The Limits We Thought We Had...Forever?!!

[serijules]

I don't have any limit changes to tell about, but I do have a question. Has it happened to anyone here that things you considered well inside your limits changed to being limits? If yes, was there any outside reason for this, or 'just' psychology? Are those things you thought in fantasy as no limits, or things you practised often and then they became limits?

I used to love the canes, with a passion. A very bad experience with a very huge idiot made canes become a near hard limit. It took a lot of years and a lot of small steps and setbacks to be able to enjoy the cane again. I'm happy to say that I am now well over that hurdle and no longer have the issues I used to have regarding canes. It felt very good to reclaim that.

 

[SexyNastyDom]

My limits, as a Dom, are virtually gone with 1 exception -

1) NO MINORS

Of course, there are things that I choose not to do for lack of interest, but things that I said, "ewwwwww, I would NEVER do that to a sub" I look forward to doing now!

peace

 

[shy slave]

Some limits we mutally agree on, they may change in tim,e but for now we are both aware of certain places neither of us want to go.

However I had other limits when we met and I had some untried fantasies which felt good in fantasy but how do you know if you actually like them until you try?

We discussed my limits, I am wary of the cane; its not a limit but I have had bad experiences with it.
I had other soft limits, these limits did not exclude that type of play (for example pain sessions) but I was aware of how far I felt comfortable with and we talked about this.

One soft limit I had was anal sex, its not something I had enjoyed and had very limited painful experience of it.

With all these limits, with patience, talking and including them in fantsy thoughts they have gradually diminished.

He is very patient and for those soft limits has allowed me a degree of control.

By giving me some control it enables me to take a breath and push through that mental barrier.

My one hard limit is blindfolds/hoods. I am scared of anything that covers his or my eyes. I have always had this fear but I have not had a traumatic incident at anytime to trigger it.

He brought a blindfold with him on visit, we talked about it alot and I said I wanted to try it. It was too big for me and I don't think I had it on for long but I did wear it.
He talked to me from the moment my eyes were covered and he ensured his hand was on my arm, in my hand or on my back the entire time. Not a sexual hold, but a reminder he was there and I was ok.

It wasn't the best experience but it was not the worst either. In one sense I will be happy not to do that again, in another I want to overcome it as I dislike being ruled by an irrational fear that has no basis.

I hate failing, when he first took my ass, he knew I was struggling mentally and physically and I talked to him and myself through the whole process; I was very sure I was going to achieve his wishes.
It wasn't erotic or sexy but it did eradicate it as a soft limit.

The other aspects to eradicating limits are his patience and our joint communication.

He has taken me to new places, sometimes I am not as willing as he is(I have disagreed, got mad, called him horrible names but never said NO or used a safe word) but he takes his time and I am always so happy to get there, achieving his wishes, with him.

 

[chris9]

In a way, yes, though they became limits he imposed more so than I asked for as we are in a 'no limits' relationship. The main one was bondage and seemed to be a psychological subconscious reaction to my father's suicide.....my reactions were off the wall for awhile so he gave it a wide berth, then began to gently lead me back to feeling OK with what had previously never been a problem. I am happy to say it seems to be in the past now with no panic attacks etc., being triggered.

Catalina

Thank you for sharing this.
I'm not sure limits are only those a pyl brings into the relationship because they don't WANT to do this. IMO they are something that should not be done due to the emotional/psychological/physical dangers involved for the two in the relationship. And if one may not say that something is off limits, it's important that the other does see the problems there are and is careful about it.

 

[serijules]

And if one may not say that something is off limits, it's important that the other does see the problems there are and is careful about it.

Yes!


One thing about not having limits; it doesn't mean that there are not places that should and will just damn well be left alone.

When I'm questioned about my limits, or the lack of them, I often just simply tell people that having no limits doesn't necessarily mean your dom/me is going to choose to do certain things. No limits really is as simple, at least to me, as the fact that I've given the CHOICE of what happens and what is done, to her. If she decides to take me somewhere that may very well be mentally and/or physically uncomfortable, humiliating, distasteful and unwanted...I'm ok with that and will find a way to deal with that and take it for her rather than worry about how hard its going to be and how traumatic I think it is. Keeping my focus on my submission and owned status enables me to go places and take things I never could do otherwise. So I may very well have limits, but one would have to ask her, because they are not my choice to be making and other than restrictions and rules, I'm really not sure what they are. I'm on a need to know basis, and I don't need to know I'm well aware of her tendancy for evil, but I also trust her ability to use her common sense.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes!


One thing about not having limits; it doesn't mean that there are not places that should and will just damn well be left alone.

When I'm questioned about my limits, or the lack of them, I often just simply tell people that having no limits doesn't necessarily mean your dom/me is going to choose to do certain things. No limits really is as simple, at least to me, as the fact that I've given the CHOICE of what happens and what is done, to her. If she decides to take me somewhere that may very well be mentally and/or physically uncomfortable, humiliating, distasteful and unwanted...I'm ok with that and will find a way to deal with that and take it for her rather than worry about how hard its going to be and how traumatic I think it is. Keeping my focus on my submission and owned status enables me to go places and take things I never could do otherwise. So I may very well have limits, but one would have to ask her, because they are not my choice to be making and other than restrictions and rules, I'm really not sure what they are. I'm on a need to know basis, and I don't need to know I'm well aware of her tendancy for evil, but I also trust her ability to use her common sense.

Well said...and something so many just cannot get their head around or accept as real.

Catalina

 

[BeachGurl2]

Interesting to note that as my trust deepens, my limits seem to dissipate. And I think there is a difference between something that is a limit and something you don't find arousing. Luckily, we seem to be very similar in the things we don't find arousing so that hasn't become an issue for us. And the limits I thought I had turned out to not really be limits at all once we tried them together. I'm not sure that I would have been as open with someone else, though. And I'm with Serijules on the difference between limits and crimes - why bother even mentioning them.

 

[Bandit58]

My limits, as a Dom, are virtually gone with 1 exception -

1) NO MINORS

Of course, there are things that I choose not to do for lack of interest, but things that I said, "ewwwwww, I would NEVER do that to a sub" I look forward to doing now!

peace

Most people seem to think that the subs are the ones with limits, but Doms have them too. For instance, Master won't indulge in face slapping, whipping to the point of blood, knives, scat, needles, or watersports. Which is lucky, because they're my limits too

We are not interested in breath play/choking, though face fucking is ok. If I feel too oxygen-deprived, I tap Him smartly 3 times on the leg or butt and He will pull back so I can breathe. I used to panic a bit but now I know that if I use that signal He will stop immediately.

Before we began our relationship He made sure I knew the safewords and when to use them. Even after two years together the words are still in place, but have only been used a handful of times. Because I was so new to BDSM, and to a lot of sex play even, I had no idea how I would react to anything. I admit I have gotten scared, not of Him but of myself and my own reactions and have stopped play sometimes when my body and brain got too overwhelmed with sensations!

 

[Arden]

When I look back over our first checklist, it always brings a smile to my face to see the things that I considered to be limits. We discussed each item in detail afterward, and I saved these snippets of conversation and pasted them below each item on the list.

Most of my personal limits have vanished, except for those that have been referred to above as things of an illegal nature or animals. Those are not a consideration for either of us, along with a few other mutually agreed upon items.

What I see today, when revisiting the original checklist is that my limits were based on fear. Fear of the unknown in most cases. I’ve grown to trust Him to the point where I now welcome exploration of those very things that once scared me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Bump?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Someone was asking where this thread was, so here it is.

Catalina

 

[Bredon]

Thank you for bumping, it's interesting

 

[Netzach]

Yes!


One thing about not having limits; it doesn't mean that there are not places that should and will just damn well be left alone.

When I'm questioned about my limits, or the lack of them, I often just simply tell people that having no limits doesn't necessarily mean your dom/me is going to choose to do certain things. No limits really is as simple, at least to me, as the fact that I've given the CHOICE of what happens and what is done, to her. If she decides to take me somewhere that may very well be mentally and/or physically uncomfortable, humiliating, distasteful and unwanted...I'm ok with that and will find a way to deal with that and take it for her rather than worry about how hard its going to be and how traumatic I think it is. Keeping my focus on my submission and owned status enables me to go places and take things I never could do otherwise. So I may very well have limits, but one would have to ask her, because they are not my choice to be making and other than restrictions and rules, I'm really not sure what they are. I'm on a need to know basis, and I don't need to know I'm well aware of her tendancy for evil, but I also trust her ability to use her common sense.

Nicely stated!

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I remember when My girl and I first started, she wasnt sure she could take clothespins on her nipples... well... she loves it... And so many other things we have and will continue to push and prod at...

 

[whimpering_brunette]

Limits... now where did i put those, again?

i am quickly realizing that many of the limits i stated when i first completed my checklist were stated out of fear, but even more so, a vanilla drilled-in propriety. Now when i play i need a really attentive Dom/Master Who can see on my face or hear in my voice when i should be using a safe-word for my own good. i've never uttered one yet, and am still amazed at what my Former knew almost right off; i'm a painslut. i love it, i crave it, i need it, and now the world's just not quite right without it... That, in and of itself, tells me that most of my stated limits are, were, in fact, knee-jerk answers.

lol... breast worship has dropped from a 5 to a 3 and nipple torture is up from a 1 to 5. Clamps were a big fat NO, and now i find myself pulling my clothespins apart and getting out pliers to tighten up those little springs in them. i've been sanding and sharpening edges on my guitar picks for beginner's experimentation with knife-play (exploring this on my own for now), which was a really hard limit before.

*grins* There are more, but i'm not telling all now. *s*


~ whimpering brunette

 

[MasterPhoenix]

i am quickly realizing that many of the limits i stated when i first completed my checklist were stated out of fear, but even more so, a vanilla drilled-in propriety. Now when i play i need a really attentive Dom/Master Who can see on my face or hear in my voice when i should be using a safe-word for my own good. i've never uttered one yet, and am still amazed at what my Former knew almost right off; i'm a painslut. i love it, i crave it, i need it, and now the world's just not quite right without it... That, in and of itself, tells me that most of my stated limits are, were, in fact, knee-jerk answers.

lol... breast worship has dropped from a 5 to a 3 and nipple torture is up from a 1 to 5. Clamps were a big fat NO, and now i find myself pulling my clothespins apart and getting out pliers to tighten up those little springs in them. i've been sanding and sharpening edges on my guitar picks for beginner's experimentation with knife-play (exploring this on my own for now), which was a really hard limit before.

*grins* There are more, but i'm not telling all now. *s*


~ whimpering brunette

My girl was wary of knife play, but once she tried it... she LOVES the scratching and we are working towards cutting...

 

[kat_or_kitten]

With all these limits, with patience, talking and including them in fantsy thoughts they have gradually diminished.

He is very patient and for those soft limits has allowed me a degree of control.

By giving me some control it enables me to take a breath and push through that mental barrier.

This is very true. Talking everything through and being given at least the illusion of control (i.e. respecting my fears, for both our sakes) has been enormously helpful to me as well.

I am quite new to all this so we go slow, verrrrrry slow, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. If we went faster I fear that I would panic and run away, which I don't want to do. I'm quite new to all of this and only recently started exploring my submissive, masochistic needs, and so far I'd say that the most important part has been finding the right partner.

My limits will likely expand over time, but having the right person to lead me there is what will make that even possible.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

This is very true. Talking everything through and being given at least the illusion of control (i.e. respecting my fears, for both our sakes) has been enormously helpful to me as well.

I am quite new to all this so we go slow, verrrrrry slow, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. If we went faster I fear that I would panic and run away, which I don't want to do. I'm quite new to all of this and only recently started exploring my submissive, masochistic needs, and so far I'd say that the most important part has been finding the right partner.

My limits will likely expand over time, but having the right person to lead me there is what will make that even possible.

Having the right partner is paramount. Having that one you trust who will push you right to the edge without pushing you off....

I wish you the best on your journey though this lifestyle

 

[kat_or_kitten]

Having the right partner is paramount. Having that one you trust who will push you right to the edge without pushing you off....

I wish you the best on your journey though this lifestyle

Thank you. We'll see how far I get. Even with enormous patience, I know my partner can only take me so far. Letting go of my own personal insecurities are the boundaries I'm working on first, and it frustrates me greatly. I can only imagine how he feels about it. But I'm trying... we both are.

That being said, even though my limits are ridiculously conservative so far, I do feel like I've come a long way in the last while. But there's such a long way to go.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Thank you. We'll see how far I get. Even with enormous patience, I know my partner can only take me so far. Letting go of my own personal insecurities are the boundaries I'm working on first, and it frustrates me greatly. I can only imagine how he feels about it. But I'm trying... we both are.

That being said, even though my limits are ridiculously conservative so far, I do feel like I've come a long way in the last while. But there's such a long way to go.

there is a long way to go, but you'd be surprised at how fast it actually changes. i've been doing this with Master for 3 years, and i look back now at my 'hard limits' and go wow, i used to have clothes pins as a HARD limit..i said NEVER could i do that.now..i CRAVE them. i also used to say i did not want Him to leave marks on me (from a flogger ect..) again, i now crave that. obviously those are sexual limits and other limits have been pushed and taken away as well. this journey is an awesome one, and i wish you well with it. it's great that your partner is as well taking their time and being patient with you as this is what you need most to overcome those 'limits'

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Thank you. We'll see how far I get. Even with enormous patience, I know my partner can only take me so far. Letting go of my own personal insecurities are the boundaries I'm working on first, and it frustrates me greatly. I can only imagine how he feels about it. But I'm trying... we both are.

That being said, even though my limits are ridiculously conservative so far, I do feel like I've come a long way in the last while. But there's such a long way to go.

Well, I view this lifestyle as a lifetime journey, not a sprint. So let it happen and you will find that today's limits may well be something you crave next month.

As for the personal insecurities, that is something that a Dominant will likley help you with. I know that I have and will continue to work on those which My baby carries with her.

I wish you the best as you enjoy your journey.

 

[kat_or_kitten]

there is a long way to go, but you'd be surprised at how fast it actually changes. i've been doing this with Master for 3 years, and i look back now at my 'hard limits' and go wow, i used to have clothes pins as a HARD limit..i said NEVER could i do that.now..i CRAVE them. i also used to say i did not want Him to leave marks on me (from a flogger ect..) again, i now crave that. obviously those are sexual limits and other limits have been pushed and taken away as well. this journey is an awesome one, and i wish you well with it. it's great that your partner is as well taking their time and being patient with you as this is what you need most to overcome those 'limits'

Well, I view this lifestyle as a lifetime journey, not a sprint. So let it happen and you will find that today's limits may well be something you crave next month.

As for the personal insecurities, that is something that a Dominant will likley help you with. I know that I have and will continue to work on those which My baby carries with her.

Thank you both. I do appreciate the patience my partner shows, believe me. I had one other very brief relationship with someone before who pushed and pushed and pushed, never aware of (or interested in) my limits. The result was emotionally traumatic, and it nearly scared me away from ever trying again.

Fortunately I met my current partner who allows me more space, and teaches me as well, and we learn about ourselves and each other as we go.

But I do think that Doms like my first one could probably cause a great deal of psychological damage, pushing subs to go to their limits and beyond too quickly.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Thank you both. I do appreciate the patience my partner shows, believe me. I had one other very brief relationship with someone before who pushed and pushed and pushed, never aware of (or interested in) my limits. The result was emotionally traumatic, and it nearly scared me away from ever trying again.

Fortunately I met my current partner who allows me more space, and teaches me as well, and we learn about ourselves and each other as we go.

But I do think that Doms like my first one could probably cause a great deal of psychological damage, pushing subs to go to their limits and beyond too quickly.

Doms like that can do psychological as well as physiological harm, especially to a submissive newly in the lifestyle.

I am glad that you have one who is patient and is letting you progress, and doing some pushing and proding I am sure. When the Dom sub combination is right... magick happens.

 

[Auraka6669]

Thank you. We'll see how far I get. Even with enormous patience, I know my partner can only take me so far. Letting go of my own personal insecurities are the boundaries I'm working on first, and it frustrates me greatly. I can only imagine how he feels about it. But I'm trying... we both are.

That being said, even though my limits are ridiculously conservative so far, I do feel like I've come a long way in the last while. But there's such a long way to go.

Just bolded out some key points from my PoV.

You can't let go til you know what you're holding on to. To that end, I think I have helped And with that being said, we are doing a great job IMO.

We've come a long way, and we're still walking strong. Time, the illusion that it is... is our friend.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Just bolded out some key points from my PoV.

You can't let go til you know what you're holding on to. To that end, I think I have helped And with that being said, we are doing a great job IMO.

We've come a long way, and we're still walking strong. Time, the illusion that it is... is our friend.

Very lovely sentiment.

I wish you both much happiness.