Diving into bdsm whithout damaging a relationship

[Maxwell237]

Hi there!
I am a man in my twenties, in a pretty serious relationship whith my girlfriend. We have been exploring bdsm as of recently, more specifically Femdom, as it has always been a deep fantasy of mine, and she is liking it more and more.
One concern we do have however is how can we make sure this dom/sub play in the bedroom dosent come and negatively affect our relationship? While I am open to the idea of an FLR, it doesn’t seem right for us, and she has mentioned her worries that she wants to keep our relationship the way it is. Any advice, suggestion, insight and personal experience to help me have a clear view of it? Anything is appreciated , no judgment here!

 

[IrisAlthea]

One concern we do have however is how can we make sure this dom/sub play in the bedroom dosent come and negatively affect our relationship?

In short, you can’t.

The thing is, you can’t make sure the relationship doesn’t deteriorate by not going down this path either.

Panta Rei - the only thing we know for sure about life and relationship is that there is going to be change and not doing something is a choice with consequences just as doing something is.

Compare it with having kids - something that will change your life and relationship for sure. Choosing not to have any, doesn’t mean that your life stays the same though.

While I am open to the idea of an FLR, it doesn’t seem right for us, and she has mentioned her worries that she wants to keep our relationship the way it is

This is more specific and if neither of you think this is the right path, it seems reasonable and unproblematic to not take it. There are two things that can complicate it though, I think.

If this is something you are actually more than just open to, but going along with not doing it for the sake of the relationship/love, there are again going to be consequences that will impact you and the relationship.
Not saying it isn’t possible to sacrifice things you really want or never to do such a thing - what a hypocrite I’d be!
It is not the easy road though and I do think there is a difference between wants and needs, that can blow things up rather badly.

The other concern is that dynamics that are hot in ”the bedroom” don’t always stay there and vice versa.
Again, this is fine as long as it is fine.
What you don’t want is things creeping into daily life to a point where either one or both of you don’t enjoy it, because it can be rather difficult to walk it back to a point where yo want it to be.
It basically turns into rebuilding it from scratch in my experience and it is painful with no guarantee of success.

Awareness, introspection and communication are really valuable I think, but while objectively and fairly disecting your emotions and your relationship comes easier to some than others and you do get better at it with practice, I don’t know that there is a way to make this human interaction thingy come with a guaranteed positive outcome.

 

[LasTime]

So you're open to an FLR but you haven't said whether you'd like/dislike it, or be neural about it. What does an FLR have to do with anything anyway? If a FLR doesn't seem right for you two, just make sure to keep the activities in the bedroom. Being dominated by a woman outside the bedroom is a completely different thing. I wonder if her worries might be that she suspects that she'll view you differently after seeing you in such positions (whatever those positions were / will be).

Put yourself in a woman's shoes. Would you be more likely to justify cheating on your man (after knowing this about him) at some point in the future, if you got the urge? Sorry if that was blunt. I must also admit I have little experience in relationships.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Put yourself in a woman's shoes. Would you be more likely to justify cheating on your man (after knowing this about him) at some point in the future, if you got the urge?

I am wearing women’s shoes and have a full set of x-chromosomes and I have no idea why a relationship dynamic that I consented to (or even one that just kind of snuck up on us actually), would make me more or less prone to cheating?

 

[Maxwell237]

In short, you can’t.

The thing is, you can’t make sure the relationship doesn’t deteriorate by not going down this path either.

Panta Rei - the only thing we know for sure about life and relationship is that there is going to be change and not doing something is a choice with consequences just as doing something is.

Compare it with having kids - something that will change your life and relationship for sure. Choosing not to have any, doesn’t mean that your life stays the same though.


This is more specific and if neither of you think this is the right path, it seems reasonable and unproblematic to not take it. There are two things that can complicate it though, I think.

If this is something you are actually more than just open to, but going along with not doing it for the sake of the relationship/love, there are again going to be consequences that will impact you and the relationship.
Not saying it isn’t possible to sacrifice things you really want or never to do such a thing - what a hypocrite I’d be!
It is not the easy road though and I do think there is a difference between wants and needs, that can blow things up rather badly.

The other concern is that dynamics that are hot in ”the bedroom” don’t always stay there and vice versa.
Again, this is fine as long as it is fine.
What you don’t want is things creeping into daily life to a point where either one or both of you don’t enjoy it, because it can be rather difficult to walk it back to a point where yo want it to be.
It basically turns into rebuilding it from scratch in my experience and it is painful with no guarantee of success.

Awareness, introspection and communication are really valuable I think, but while objectively and fairly disecting your emotions and your relationship comes easier to some than others and you do get better at it with practice, I don’t know that there is a way to make this human interaction thingy come with a guaranteed positive outcome.

Thank you for this very detailed msg!
What you are saying makes a lot is sense, everything we do together will affect our relationship, wether or not that is damaging or not is our responsibility to deal with.

I’m not sure I get what u mean in ur second part. Are u saying that I need to think more about what she wants, be more receptive and not force anything on her? I really though u wasent but if the tone of my msg made it seem so maybe i did. But otherwise yes I agree that this is something we do together and that we need to both feel comfortable in.

The last part of ur message is my biggest worry! Preventing things from “unwantingly”creeping up in the daily life is something we both would like to avoid. Is there any methods of preventing this, perhaps dedicating a special room for activities, or activating word/piece of attire?
Again this is very new to me I have little idea of what I’m talking about. I just do not want to damage a relationship over these kind of practices.

 

[Maxwell237]

So you're open to an FLR but you haven't said whether you'd like/dislike it, or be neural about it. What does an FLR have to do with anything anyway? If a FLR doesn't seem right for you two, just make sure to keep the activities in the bedroom. Being dominated by a woman outside the bedroom is a completely different thing. I wonder if her worries might be that she suspects that she'll view you differently after seeing you in such positions (whatever those positions were / will be).

Put yourself in a woman's shoes. Would you be more likely to justify cheating on your man (after knowing this about him) at some point in the future, if you got the urge? Sorry if that was blunt. I must also admit I have little experience in relationships.

Hi thank u for your answer!
I do not think cheating is on the table. We have been very clear about this kind of practices, and besides these reflections are to make sure no damage is done to our relationship, and in the case of cheating we both agree would be the end of it.

Where I do see your point tho is her seeing me differently after whatever actions we may get into. Is there any actions that favor this phenomena we would be wise to avoid? Is this something that actually happen, and if so is it damaging or can it have positive impacts? And finnaly, in your conclusion u mention cheating, which is to me pretty extreme practices. Is this where bdsm eventually leads? Or is there a way to keep it more, I would say chill?
Thank you again!

 

[submissa]

Is this where bdsm eventually leads?

No.

 

[Lady2020]

I had to google flr.

 

[LasTime]

Thank you for this very detailed msg!
What you are saying makes a lot is sense, everything we do together will affect our relationship, whether or not that is damaging or not is our responsibility to deal with.

I’m not sure I get what u mean in ur second part. Are u saying that I need to think more about what she wants, be more receptive and not force anything on her? I really though u wasent but if the tone of my msg made it seem so maybe i did. But otherwise yes I agree that this is something we do together and that we need to both feel comfortable in.

The last part of ur message is my biggest worry! Preventing things from “unwantingly” creeping up in the daily life is something we both would like to avoid. Is there any methods of preventing this, perhaps dedicating a special room for activities, or activating word/piece of attire?
Again this is very new to me I have little idea of what I’m talking about. I just do not want to damage a relationship over these kind of practices.

Thanks,

I've no experience with BDSM and in spite of the turn-on it gives me I am quite conflicted about it. I'm just used to reading comments from guys over the years (on here and hipforums) who are into femdom, and I've seen quite a few mention about how they got off on knowing that their wives/GFs were cheating on them. The cuckold thing is perhaps one of the few aspects of femdom that I'm not into. Hypothetically, a woman could rationalise cheating if she was able to tell herself that her husband wouldn't mind that sort of thing anyway.

"any actions that favor this phenomena" - Well doing things like having her sit on your face, slap you, or stand on you, are relatively fine. But if she pegs you, spits in your mouth, or pees on you, then they're things she might respect you less for. That said, I've never met either of you and am speaking in terms of my own values.

What acts have you done so far?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Are u saying that I need to think more about what she wants, be more receptive and not force anything on her? I really though u wasent

No, I was saying that you should make sure that you do not make any noble sacrifice that will become untenable in the long run.
She should do the same.

The last part of ur message is my biggest worry! Preventing things from “unwantingly”creeping up in the daily life is something we both would like to avoid. Is there any methods of preventing this, perhaps dedicating a special room for activities, or activating word/piece of attire?

Those are possibilities, yes.

Also, you could schedule regular talks about where you both see yourself going next, how you feel about how things are going, if there is anything that feels off…
Do a check-in with yourself too from time to time.

 

[Broken_paladin]

I had to google flr.

yeah thats a foreign language for me lol

 

[Maxwell237]

Thanks,

I've no experience with BDSM and in spite of the turn-on it gives me I am quite conflicted about it. I'm just used to reading comments from guys over the years (on here and hipforums) who are into femdom, and I've seen quite a few mention about how they got off on knowing that their wives/GFs were cheating on them. The cuckold thing is perhaps one of the few aspects of femdom that I'm not into. Hypothetically, a woman could rationalise cheating if she was able to tell herself that her husband wouldn't mind that sort of thing anyway.

"any actions that favor this phenomena" - Well doing things like having her sit on your face, slap you, or stand on you, are relatively fine. But if she pegs you, spits in your mouth, or pees on you, then they're things she might respect you less for. That said, I've never met either of you and am speaking in terms of my own values.

What acts have you done so far?

Okay, seeing where u draw the line I think we should be fine regarding mutual respect il the relationship. Then again I don’t really think there’s a line, and it really comes up to the couple involved, but indeed some action may just be too degrading to be sustainable. We haven’t done any of the serious stuff, but I’ll keep in mind this if we ever do,

 

[Maxwell237]

No, I was saying that you should make sure that you do not make any noble sacrifice that will become untenable in the long run.
She should do the same.


Those are possibilities, yes.

Also, you could schedule regular talks about where you both see yourself going next, how you feel about how things are going, if there is anything that feels off…
Do a check-in with yourself too from time to time.

I see I see.
I mean like any form of relationship communication is key anyways. I was worried out dynamic would hinder conversation, but it is really unlikely as, well idk we talk everyday and are both aware and considerate of the other’s feelings.
Noblé sacrifices, I’m not sure I agree. There’s things I’m not willing to try, there’s things she isn’t willing to try, and I feel like forcing each other into it might cause more damage than repressing fantasies? Besides if the fantasy is special enough for the other to disagree, there’s little chance for it to be a big fetish, and more a specific thing one would be willing to try, but if not we’ll wtv!
Not sure if I got my msg across, and if my msg is wrong. Again we could see it as « gotta try everything once » mentality and such explore more and more, but idk it dosent sit right to make your partner do something they are uncomfortable with

 

[Showmewhatchugot84]

Hi there!
I am a man in my twenties, in a pretty serious relationship whith my girlfriend. We have been exploring bdsm as of recently, more specifically Femdom, as it has always been a deep fantasy of mine, and she is liking it more and more.
One concern we do have however is how can we make sure this dom/sub play in the bedroom dosent come and negatively affect our relationship? While I am open to the idea of an FLR, it doesn’t seem right for us, and she has mentioned her worries that she wants to keep our relationship the way it is. Any advice, suggestion, insight and personal experience to help me have a clear view of it? Anything is appreciated , no judgment here!

If you love her and see yourself spending your life with her. I'd let her know your thoughts on it but dont push it too hard. Then wait a while and bring it up again. Feel her out if she gets irrated drop it. I first brought up the idea of femdom in our twenties. She had no interest. Were pushing 40 now and were starting to ease into the FLR lifestyle. Maybe she gets the urge to later in life, maybe your interest change.

 

[Bella857Donna]

Successful relationships always involve compromise. It's unfair and unrealistic to demand or expect a particular dynamic. People and relationships change over time, and the relationships that last are those that are capable of adapting to those changes. Those that are rigid and fixed, will shatter like glass.

The O.P. is really asking about how far he and his partner should compromise regarding their sometimes conflicting needs and wants. That's impossible to say. What might be okay today could become a red line later on. The best advice I can give is to try to understand yourself as fully as possible, and learn your own limits, desires, and core values. And to remember that everything you believe about yourself today is always subject to revision.

 

[eroticspank]

I suggest you be open and continue to talk to your girlfriend. If you like your D/s play in the bedroom, then keep it that way for now. No D/s play outside of the bedroom. Try that for a while and see how it affects your relationship. Then work your way to an FLR, but I suggest mini steps.
ES

 

[Boonerboy]

Hi there!
I am a man in my twenties, in a pretty serious relationship whith my girlfriend. We have been exploring bdsm as of recently, more specifically Femdom, as it has always been a deep fantasy of mine, and she is liking it more and more.
One concern we do have however is how can we make sure this dom/sub play in the bedroom dosent come and negatively affect our relationship? While I am open to the idea of an FLR, it doesn’t seem right for us, and she has mentioned her worries that she wants to keep our relationship the way it is. Any advice, suggestion, insight and personal experience to help me have a clear view of it? Anything is appreciated , no judgment here!

You have gotten some great advice already. But the question “how do we make sure it doesn’t negatively affect our relationship?”
Not to be super cliche, but any relationship involves work. Since I don’t know either of you, I would just say really work on communication and keep it open. If something I was doing with my partner started upsetting them down the road, I’d stop the minute they brought it up. But they do have to bring it up, never assume someone will know.

I hope it all works out for the two of you, and remember Femdom is a spectrum, you don’t have to be all in or nothing

 

[eroticspank]

Maybe talk about your fears. I saw a similar conversation on another thread and I think that is a great idea. You need to be able to talk openly to each other and discussing your fears might be a big help. Example: "I fear that if I spank you hard I may hurt you!" or "I fear that if I take charge in the bedroom you may not like what I choose to do."

ES

 

[lowcollar]

Femdom has only deepened our relationship. We don't bring it out of the bedroom unless it's part of a role play. We have consciously talked about our likes, dislikes, fears and continue to do so.

 

[kinky_older_guy]

Just some random thoughts on this ...

What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Try sticking with that and experiment. Talk to her about it and take baby steps.

One of the first things to suggest her is to tie you up to the bed frame with scarves, sit on top of you and ride you slowly. That will give her some kind of control, which she can experience. Most women will like that.

In the next step you can involve a feather, ice cubes on your nipples or maybe you can buy her a riding crop to tease you, along with handcuffs and a mask. And so on ..

From there things may evolve into many different things. From more serious BDSM stuff towards a full-time D/S relationship, which extends outside your bedroom into every aspect of your life. That latter thing is, however, a completely separate story. I've never tried it, even though I'm sub-ish ...

Now, will all that have some impact on your relationship? Well, yes it will. A relationship is a game for two. And your girlfriend is a human being too.