Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

So, I did the Google search as suggested and I did find some lovely images and quotes that were nice. If I search BDSM romance I get mostly info on novels, which was cool too because I like reading stories in that category. But if you change the search to videos instead of images, I still get the same type of "hardcore stuff". I'm sure it's out there somewhere but I haven't seen a loving type D/s video. Maybe it's not a popular viewing preference...maybe that's why 50 Shades was popular? Although I still haven't seen those movies yet either. I'll put them on my watch list for the next rainy day

better make it a very rainy, very snowy, cold and blustery day when you absolutely have nothing better to do.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

better make it a very rainy, very snowy, cold and blustery day when you absolutely have nothing better to do.

That bad, huh? So, my next mission will be to shop for videos at the "adult warehouse" next time I'm in that area cuz I think most internet porn sucks...

 

[SilverBass]

So, I did the Google search as suggested and I did find some lovely images and quotes that were nice. If I search BDSM romance I get mostly info on novels, which was cool too because I like reading stories in that category. But if you change the search to videos instead of images, I still get the same type of "hardcore stuff". I'm sure it's out there somewhere but I haven't seen a loving type D/s video. Maybe it's not a popular viewing preference...maybe that's why 50 Shades was popular? Although I still haven't seen those movies yet either. I'll put them on my watch list for the next rainy day

I watched both 50 Shades movies and enjoyed them both. The BDSM element I'd consider light as they really are typical romance movies with a side dish of D/s themes. I'd say the movies are mediocre, not bad, but not Oscar worthy either. If you want to view films focusing on the softer or romantic side of BDSM then avoid anything that has to do with porn. You'll probably want to stick with the normal mostly lower budget feature films. You can look up the 50 Shades movies on Amazon and then look below where they advertise other similar movies or movies that others have purchased who also purchased the 50 Shades movies. There are all kinds of BDSM themed regular movies out there, some better than others. Just don't bother with porn or video clips if you want to enjoy the softer or romantic side of this theme.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I watched both 50 Shades movies and enjoyed them both. The BDSM element I'd consider light as they really are typical romance movies with a side dish of D/s themes. I'd say the movies are mediocre, not bad, but not Oscar worthy either. If you want to view films focusing on the softer or romantic side of BDSM then avoid anything that has to do with porn. You'll probably want to stick with the normal mostly lower budget feature films. You can look up the 50 Shades movies on Amazon and then look below where they advertise other similar movies or movies that others have purchased who also purchased the 50 Shades movies. There are all kinds of BDSM themed regular movies out there, some better than others. Just don't bother with porn or video clips if you want to enjoy the softer or romantic side of this theme.

Ok, good advice...I'll check it out.

 

[Primalex]

Nobody said 'Secretary' yet?



WTF is wrong with this world.

 

[SilverBass]

Ok, good advice...I'll check it out.

Plus there are lists like this out there which focus more on the older films.

https://amp.theguardian.com/film/2015/feb/10/bdsm-film-top-10-fifty-shades-grey

 

[MeekMe]

Try putting "for women" at the end of your search phrase. You'll still find lots of the porn you don't want, but there will be more of the options you do want. Porn caters to the people that will likely pay for it. It also focuses more on the things you wouldn't typically care about in an actual encounter like the odd angles they have sex at just so you can see what's going in where.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Nobody said 'Secretary' yet?



WTF is wrong with this world.

I've seen this mentioned on other boards...apparently it's a must see. I'll add it to the top of my list and report back

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Try putting "for women" at the end of your search phrase. You'll still find lots of the porn you don't want, but there will be more of the options you do want. Porn caters to the people that will likely pay for it. It also focuses more on the things you wouldn't typically care about in an actual encounter like the odd angles they have sex at just so you can see what's going in where.

Interesting...I took a quick look and adding "for women" at the end did yield better results. Thanks!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[debsintrouble]

When I embarked with my online relationship I never realised how it would make me feel, do I struggle with it Yes I do, I have never felt what I feel.
I feel so free and yes I do feel better about myself. This though doesn't stop all my doubts that I feel.

 

[NewSubQuestions]

Sorry guys have not been on in awhile. This is still my favorite thread. It's nice to know that I'm not like the only sub looking for a real relationship online. I actually found someone of interest again. And like the person who relplayed to my last post said there was a time I was feeling rather used. I learned that just like in real life not everyone is nice and real and will say whatever they need to say to get what they want and then just leave you. It's easy to hide behide a keyboard and never even show your face. What I have found most helpful and I need to remind myself of this daily is to take it slow and test them with time. Someone can easily tell you for 6 weeks what you won't to hear right? Not so much 6 months! And anything worth having is worth worth the work. Unfortountly when I first started out I honestly felt like I needed to prove I was a sub lol. That submission was proving my worth. Now I know better and made more then enough mistakes along the way. If anything maybe this thread will help someone just new to this to know to watch out for that kind of stuff!! Again love love love hearing all you guys talk and seeing the continued support to each other

 

[Farawyn]

Sorry guys have not been on in awhile. This is still my favorite thread. It's nice to know that I'm not like the only sub looking for a real relationship online. I actually found someone of interest again. And like the person who relplayed to my last post said there was a time I was feeling rather used. I learned that just like in real life not everyone is nice and real and will say whatever they need to say to get what they want and then just leave you. It's easy to hide behide a keyboard and never even show your face. What I have found most helpful and I need to remind myself of this daily is to take it slow and test them with time. Someone can easily tell you for 6 weeks what you won't to hear right? Not so much 6 months! And anything worth having is worth worth the work. Unfortountly when I first started out I honestly felt like I needed to prove I was a sub lol. That submission was proving my worth. Now I know better and made more then enough mistakes along the way. If anything maybe this thread will help someone just new to this to know to watch out for that kind of stuff!! Again love love love hearing all you guys talk and seeing the continued support to each other

That's funny you said "prove you are a sub."
I found myself trying to prove I wasn't. If I acted "subby" I would resist.
It's only when I gave into my feelings that I didn't give a shit what I am anymore. I'm me.

 

[NewSubQuestions]

Farawyn I guess in the end we both got the same result we just found it on different roads. I don't feel like I need to prove who I am anymore and I don't believe a sub has to submit to prove anything. I submit when it earned not because just anyone tells me I should. And your right labels are sometimes difficult to identify with because we are individuals and we each have different needs. I so love the snowflakes reference someone made on here because even in our submission each of us feels it differently and reacts to it differently. Online is difficult because there are so many trust issues and I find that even some Doms themselves are reluctant to trust. Many don't show their face or anything about their identities. And for me it feels like I give trust first in order to gain their trust. It's a fine line between submission and trust and faith. I will say I am much much much wiser now

 

[Iamsubmissive]

When I embarked with my online relationship I never realised how it would make me feel, do I struggle with it Yes I do, I have never felt what I feel.
I feel so free and yes I do feel better about myself. This though doesn't stop all my doubts that I feel.

Hi, Deb! Glad you joined us! I'm with ya on those never felt before feelings. It makes it exciting and scary at the same time. Try not to let your doubts cause you too much worry though. (I know, it's easier said than done.)

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Online is difficult because there are so many trust issues and I find that even some Doms themselves are reluctant to trust. Many don't show their face or anything about their identities. And for me it feels like I give trust first in order to gain their trust. It's a fine line between submission and trust and faith. I will say I am much much much wiser now

I found that to be true also...the untrusting Dom thing. I've heard a lot of Doms requiring a specific pic, or voice or skype as 'proof' that you're a girl...because there are a lot of guys pretending to be girls? I don't know how true that is but when you're new and nervous already, it sucks that you have to be the one to step out of your comfort zone to prove who you are to a 'stranger' on the other end. I avoid those types completely! If they have no problem demanding something you are uncomfortable with right off the bat, chances are they won't be very good at respecting other things you're uncomfortable with further down the line.

Also, WHY would a guy pretend to be a girl to get a Dom? I don't understand that...even if a guy wanted to submit to another guy, wouldn't he want to be recognized as a guy? I mean, if a Dom is treating them like a girl...and giving 'girl instructions', how would they fulfill them without the female parts required? How would that be fun for them? I just...don't get it.

 

[SilverBass]

Also, WHY would a guy pretend to be a girl to get a Dom? I don't understand that...even if a guy wanted to submit to another guy, wouldn't he want to be recognized as a guy? I mean, if a Dom is treating them like a girl...and giving 'girl instructions', how would they fulfill them without the female parts required? How would that be fun for them? I just...don't get it.

That is kinda' funny and you have made a good point.

My guess as to why these Doms don't believe a woman is a woman, even considering the logistics as you stated above, is because in so many other online instances men can and do get away with pretending to be women all the time. Some men can fake a woman's voice and certainly it would be easy with just texting and messaging. It just happens, men fake it all the time, so I am not surprised men are cautious about fakers.

With that said, I am in total agreement with you in that if a Dom is asking for your proof of authenticity, then he should offer his as well. Matter of fact, I think the Dom has MORE responsibility to set his/her sub at ease before looking for his own comfort. That is called responsibility and leadership, and any Dom asking for a sub to be responsible for herself first, is not what I'd call a real Dom. I think you are right in avoiding these guys! Good job!

 

[NewSubQuestions]

I found that to be true also...the untrusting Dom thing. I've heard a lot of Doms requiring a specific pic, or voice or skype as 'proof' that you're a girl...because there are a lot of guys pretending to be girls? I don't know how true that is but when you're new and nervous already, it sucks that you have to be the one to step out of your comfort zone to prove who you are to a 'stranger' on the other end. I avoid those types completely! If they have no problem demanding something you are uncomfortable with right off the bat, chances are they won't be very good at respecting other things you're uncomfortable with further down the line.

Also, WHY would a guy pretend to be a girl to get a Dom? I don't understand that...even if a guy wanted to submit to another guy, wouldn't he want to be recognized as a guy? I mean, if a Dom is treating them like a girl...and giving 'girl instructions', how would they fulfill them without the female parts required? How would that be fun for them? I just...don't get it.

Iamsubmissive that is so funny that is exactly what I hear! Must be either there are a lot of men pretending to be women or a lot of women who fall for needing prove. And I completely agree to watch out for this type. I also agree with some of you that this thread should mention the positive as well as the negative and I must say that alone the way I have met some amazing doms whom I remain frinds with. We just did not match up for whatever reason. I believe in fact that I have met more wonderful people then not. And to this date I think I have only needed to block like 3 people. My "real" people commit was more because of the way I started out not knowing the things I know now and feeling well used.

Debsintrouble somehow did not notice your post until now lol I skipped right over some of the post Silly me and just wanted to also say welcome ((hugs))

 

[The_gladiator]

I think trust is something that a lot of people find difficult to embrace on the internet. I have also seen it go the other way where some will believe anything anyone on the internet says. I personally feel I've been doing this internet thing for enough years I can slice through most of the bull shit out there.

I find some difficulty online being a switch, I don't conform to most of the stereotypes for either a dom or sub, so that throws people off because sadly o much of our world is about these stereotypes.

One difficulty I have is that so much of the bdsm play I have done is online, it is difficult for me to make that transition to the real world, I find myself struggling to do things I could do without hesitation online, and maybe that's some of the appeal of being in an online relationship because of this ease.

Sorry this post got longer than I expected, but glad I found this thread

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[The_gladiator]

I agree, its vitally important to find out what bdsm means to oneself and not what it means to someone else, because it is so different for different people.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I think trust is something that a lot of people find difficult to embrace on the internet. I have also seen it go the other way where some will believe anything anyone on the internet says. I personally feel I've been doing this internet thing for enough years I can slice through most of the bull shit out there.

I find some difficulty online being a switch, I don't conform to most of the stereotypes for either a dom or sub, so that throws people off because sadly o much of our world is about these stereotypes.

One difficulty I have is that so much of the bdsm play I have done is online, it is difficult for me to make that transition to the real world, I find myself struggling to do things I could do without hesitation online, and maybe that's some of the appeal of being in an online relationship because of this ease.

Sorry this post got longer than I expected, but glad I found this thread

I'm glad you found us too! Welcome to the thread.

I think a lot of people, if not most, are less inhibited online than in RL.

The trust thing is of course some concern, but here's how I see it:
If it's a one time interaction with a stranger, it's ridiculous to expect anyone's full 'trust'. You just assume they are who they say they are and have some fun. Does it really matter if the guy was really a girl or vice versa? You enjoyed the interaction believing what you believed...mission accomplished. But for starting a 'relationship' that takes time, patience, honesty on both ends, and earned trust.

It's certainly appropriate to be cautious, but sometimes paranoia and skepticism can ruin a good thing before it even has a chance to develope...

 

[Mrtenant]

That is kinda' funny and you have made a good point.

My guess as to why these Doms don't believe a woman is a woman, even considering the logistics as you stated above, is because in so many other online instances men can and do get away with pretending to be women all the time. Some men can fake a woman's voice and certainly it would be easy with just texting and messaging. It just happens, men fake it all the time, so I am not surprised men are cautious about fakers.

With that said, I am in total agreement with you in that if a Dom is asking for your proof of authenticity, then he should offer his as well. Matter of fact, I think the Dom has MORE responsibility to set his/her sub at ease before looking for his own comfort. That is called responsibility and leadership, and any Dom asking for a sub to be responsible for herself first, is not what I'd call a real Dom. I think you are right in avoiding these guys! Good job!

Forgive me if this has already been stated elsewhere...

Seems like said Dom is jumping the gun a bit to me, so to speak. Whatever happened to the regular get to know you conversation? Do people not do this sort of thing anymore? Or do we say, hey you are pyl/PYL, screw all that conversation, let's get our freak on?

Building trust online for this sort of thing can be an extended process. I would wonder about someone that would want to shortcut the trust buiding process, unless of course, one just doesn't want to do all that and just play around a bit. I suppose then, you get what you get. Enjoy, if that's your angle.

 

[The_gladiator]

I'm glad you found us too! Welcome to the thread.

I think a lot of people, if not most, are less inhibited online than in RL.

The trust thing is of course some concern, but here's how I see it:
If it's a one time interaction with a stranger, it's ridiculous to expect anyone's full 'trust'. You just assume they are who they say they are and have some fun. Does it really matter if the guy was really a girl or vice versa? You enjoyed the interaction believing what you believed...mission accomplished. But for starting a 'relationship' that takes time, patience, honesty on both ends, and earned trust.

It's certainly appropriate to be cautious, but sometimes paranoia and skepticism can ruin a good thing before it even has a chance to develope...

I couldn't agree with you more and is pretty much how I approach online interactions.
I tend to believe you are what you say you are until you give me reason to doubt it. Like you said if its a one off does it really matter?

I see this in finding online writing partners, where individuals get real picky about proving that their partner is female, I'm like who cares, if they're writing the female role for you, they could be anyone because the character is the focus not whose writing it, I don't only read lit stories written by women just because that's my preference in real life. I'm going on a bit of a tangent here, but it speaks to the threads topic in that I see similarities in that people perhaps over analyze their partners rather than taking some things at face value.

 

[MeekMe]

I found that to be true also...the untrusting Dom thing. I've heard a lot of Doms requiring a specific pic, or voice or skype as 'proof' that you're a girl...because there are a lot of guys pretending to be girls? I don't know how true that is but when you're new and nervous already, it sucks that you have to be the one to step out of your comfort zone to prove who you are to a 'stranger' on the other end. I avoid those types completely! If they have no problem demanding something you are uncomfortable with right off the bat, chances are they won't be very good at respecting other things you're uncomfortable with further down the line.

Also, WHY would a guy pretend to be a girl to get a Dom? I don't understand that...even if a guy wanted to submit to another guy, wouldn't he want to be recognized as a guy? I mean, if a Dom is treating them like a girl...and giving 'girl instructions', how would they fulfill them without the female parts required? How would that be fun for them? I just...don't get it.

Men pretend to be women online for different reasons. Some are just trying to explore their options and pretending to be a woman is easier for them. Some just want attention. Many men want the kind of attention women get online, and women often dislike that same attention. If a woman says, "I'm so tired of men contacting me and telling me what they want to do to my body!" At least one dude pops up to say, "omg! What's wrong with you?! I'd LOVE it if a woman contacted me and told me what she wanted to do to my body!" Pretending to be a woman gets them messages and men talking to them about all the things they want to do to them. That's just in a general situation too.

Submissive men are in even less demand in some cases. Of course, I think it's usually the approach that takes them out of the running. :shrugs: A lot of women want to be treated like people and a lot of men want to be treated like sexy pieces of meat. Wonder why that came about?