Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[Iamsubmissive]

It's more a grey area of personal preference. Things we like to do are not bad. Humans have a fairly flexible morale.

yeah, I meant a grey area for me...it would depend on the circumstances


What if he knew that person already before he met you?

Anytime I enter a serious relationship, it's with someone that I could potentially stay with forever. If he already had an online love like that, and I knew ahead of time, I wouldnt have entered a serious relationship with him. If I found out after...my previous answer is the same.


Fun fact - my wife thinks I'm not jealous enough. It seriously annoys her.

I've had boyfriends that also got annoyed at my lack of jealousy, but most appreciate it. Not being jealous in no way correlates with how much you love someone, or your level of commitment to them. It just means I'm comfortable and assured in what we have

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Fun fact - my wife thinks I'm not jealous enough. It seriously annoys her.

Does she do things that 'should' make you jealous? Flirt with other guys...or purposely exaggerate an interaction with another man to get a reaction from you? You should totally freak out once in a while just to give her that satisfaction

 

[Primalex]

Does she do things that 'should' make you jealous? Flirt with other guys...or purposely exaggerate an interaction with another man to get a reaction from you? You should totally freak out once in a while just to give her that satisfaction

I have worse acting skills than Nicolas Cage.

 

[SilverBass]

This whole entire area of "what is cheating", the gray area and where is the line is going to be defined differently by everyone. Heck, I have heard extreme cases of where some people think if his or her partner watches porn then that is cheating. Even that masturbation is cheating! To each their own I guess. I think for anyone of us who has needs for interactions with another (secretly without our partner's knowledge or approval) what we often do is justify our actions so that we can feel all right about it. Or we'll just accept the guilt and continue anyway. I've done it. And I'm never one to judge where someone else draws the line. We all have our own reasons. But the partner that does not satisfy all of our needs is always a biggie. Some people have an easier time living without than others.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I have worse acting skills than Nicolas Cage.

'Nuff said...

 

[Iamsubmissive]

This whole entire area of "what is cheating", the gray area and where is the line is going to be defined differently by everyone. Heck, I have heard extreme cases of where some people think if his or her partner watches porn then that is cheating. Even that masturbation is cheating! To each their own I guess. I think for anyone of us who has needs for interactions with another (secretly without our partner's knowledge or approval) what we often do is justify our actions so that we can feel all right about it. Or we'll just accept the guilt and continue anyway. I've done it. And I'm never one to judge where someone else draws the line. We all have our own reasons. But the partner that does not satisfy all of our needs is always a biggie. Some people have an easier time living without than others.

With so many different kinks, fetishes, preferences, likes and dislikes, absolute must-haves, and hard limits...I don't think it's realistic to expect to find the one person that is exactly like you. Relationships are about compromising on the things you are willing to compromise on in order to find a balance that works for both. If you are not willing to compromise on anything...and can't find that one person that ticks all your boxes...then you probably aren't cut out for a monogamous relationship. "Not satisfying all your needs" is NOT an excuse for "cheating". It may be an excuse for ending the relationship if it's something you can't live without. That still brings us back to 'what is considered cheating?' I know everyone has a different opinion on what constitutes cheating, so I'm going to simplify my explanation and say...Cheating is a betrayal of the agreed upon expectations of behavior in a specified relationship.

 

[SilverBass]

With so many different kinks, fetishes, preferences, likes and dislikes, absolute must-haves, and hard limits...I don't think it's realistic to expect to find the one person that is exactly like you. Relationships are about compromising on the things you are willing to compromise on in order to find a balance that works for both. If you are not willing to compromise on anything...and can't find that one person that ticks all your boxes...then you probably aren't cut out for a monogamous relationship. "Not satisfying all your needs" is NOT an excuse for "cheating". It may be an excuse for ending the relationship if it's something you can't live without. That still brings us back to 'what is considered cheating?' I know everyone has a different opinion on what constitutes cheating, so I'm going to simplify my explanation and say...Cheating is a betrayal of the agreed upon expectations of behavior in a specified relationship.

With the highlighted line, of course I agree with you. But people do it anyways and that is what I was talking about. We either justify our actions some how or some way or we just live with the guilt and indulge out of selfishness. And as I said some people are willing to live without and some are not. It is very easy to say just end a relationship in which some of your needs are not met, but often people don't, they just go elsewhere. And also we need to keep in mind with betrayal is that everyone draws the betrayal line in a different place. Is simply having a Lit account and speaking about intimate desires a kind of betrayal if kept secret from your partner? Oh yes, I'm sure many would agree that it is. I'm just being real here, some of us are simply selfish and indulge, secretly and privately. And I will NEVER judge someone because of it. As far as secrets and betrayals, we all have our own reasons and lines to cross or not cross.

Of all themes in life, my favorite is the theme or battle between good and evil. Most people are good, it is just a matter of how much "evil" (lying, betrayal, selfishness) you indulge in, and how big a piece of that pie you will allow yourself. And again, evil to one may not be evil to another.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Bringing this back around to an online D/s thing...I found another thing that is different from RL for me. I feel a little weird talking about it, but whatever. I was instructed to wear red underwear all week long. Not a big deal...simple enough right? Except I only have 1 pair of red panties (and he knows this)...so, I either go buy six more pair or wash that one pair every night. (I'm a cheap ass and I don't really need 7 pairs of red panties so...)

I've had similar instructions by my RL Dom and I just did whatever I needed to do without question, without thought really. But online...it feels a little silly. Plus, he's enjoying the fact that I have to go to the extra trouble. (I don't really get why that's fun for him. And he likes teasing me about it, which makes it even more embarrassing for me when I have to handwash them every night) Then, by this time later in the week I'm feeling ridiculous and wondering "why the hell am I still wearing this same pair of underwear?" Which according to him is how I'm supposed to feel. How did he know it would make me feel like that? Why is he happy about that? And why is it different than in RL? It's weird.

I think that's also part of the humiliation aspect of it...which I still don't really understand. I've followed one of the humiliation threads trying to understand why normal things would be humiliating...like getting a spanking(that you enjoy), or kneeling (when it's part of the routine you've established), and having your clothing choices limited. In RL those things just aren't humiliating to me, but online its...different.

 

[SilverBass]

Hmm, just a couple opinions on this, though I don't think like a sub of course! First is my guess is you do not respect your online Dom the same way you would in RL. You second guess his authority and question the validity of it. To the point that life's practicality is starting to become more important than your Dom's authority. I don't blame you if that is the case. Some things are really just silly.

If I was your Dom I would handle this a bit differently. First off I'd never make such a request, but if I did...... I realize you and he may not have exchanged RL addresses and all of that (good idea if so). What I'd have instructed you to do is create some kind of new PayPal account or something similar in which I could send you money, but without you giving away any kind of privacy. Then I'd send you the money for new red underwear. Another option would be to drop some money into an account like Victoria's Secret, OR I'd just buy them for you and send to some third party that can forward to you. All of these can be done third party to protect everyone's privacy if that was a concern. In otherwords, I'd take care of my sub and make sure you have everything you need to fulfill my requests. If a Dom has a request of his sub he should take care of her in doing so. But I realize this is a Dom-style thing and all Doms are different.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Bringing this back around to an online D/s thing...I found another thing that is different from RL for me. I feel a little weird talking about it, but whatever. I was instructed to wear red underwear all week long. Not a big deal...simple enough right? Except I only have 1 pair of red panties (and he knows this)...so, I either go buy six more pair or wash that one pair every night. (I'm a cheap ass and I don't really need 7 pairs of red panties so...)

I've had similar instructions by my RL Dom and I just did whatever I needed to do without question, without thought really. But online...it feels a little silly. Plus, he's enjoying the fact that I have to go to the extra trouble. (I don't really get why that's fun for him. And he likes teasing me about it, which makes it even more embarrassing for me when I have to handwash them every night) Then, by this time later in the week I'm feeling ridiculous and wondering "why the hell am I still wearing this same pair of underwear?" Which according to him is how I'm supposed to feel. How did he know it would make me feel like that? Why is he happy about that? And why is it different than in RL? It's weird.

I think that's also part of the humiliation aspect of it...which I still don't really understand. I've followed one of the humiliation threads trying to understand why normal things would be humiliating...like getting a spanking(that you enjoy), or kneeling (when it's part of the routine you've established), and having your clothing choices limited. In RL those things just aren't humiliating to me, but online its...different.

Don't ever feel weird about talking about something that you think is ridiculous..Or silly.

I've never gotten the reasoning behind those sort of requests, either.
In fact, I went a whole week without underwear once at a Dom's request. I think he got miffed with me because I was neither embarrassed nor emboldened sexually by going commando. (In other words, I could have cared less if I had them on or not, and going without did not make me feel any sexier than had I worn something else. ) It just seemed odd, and a bit unsanitary... but I did it because he asked, which should have been sufficient, but obviously he was angling more for some sort of reaction out of me. (Sorry?)
(And yes..I'm missing some punctuation in that helluva run on...)

If you are prone to embarrassment or tend toward the shy about having someone know what undies you're wearing, then perhaps he was playing on that fact. Again, no clue here as to why this type of "control"
is a turn on, but apparently it is.

 

[Primalex]

I've had similar instructions by my RL Dom and I just did whatever I needed to do without question, without thought really. But online...it feels a little silly.

Why? Does your real-life partner lay his hands on you to extract special underwear-wearing hormones out of your body for his enjoyment? No, he does not. It's all in the mind and there is a fair chance that an online partner has a mind, too, it's just at a different geolocation.

Plus, he's enjoying the fact that I have to go to the extra trouble. (I don't really get why that's fun for him.

Let's say it this way:
If I would tell you to breathe regularly and you follow this order - then it would not really indicate any kind of obedience even though you do exactly as told. Right?

Then, by this time later in the week I'm feeling ridiculous and wondering "why the hell am I still wearing this same pair of underwear?" Which according to him is how I'm supposed to feel. How did he know it would make me feel like that?

Let's say it this way:
If you would have felt differently, do you think he would have said that this is not how you should feel?

I think that's also part of the humiliation aspect of it...which I still don't really understand. I've followed one of the humiliation threads trying to understand why normal things would be humiliating...like getting a spanking(that you enjoy), or kneeling (when it's part of the routine you've established), and having your clothing choices limited. In RL those things just aren't humiliating to me, but online its...different.

This is why I consider humilation the second activity in BDSM that is actually more art than play (the first is Shibari). You can't just declare that spanking is humiliating if the other person does not feel that way. Your humiliation does not come from the activity itself, but from how you perceive yourself while performing tasks for some letters on a screen.

(This is of course just a wild guess as I don't know you.)

 

[Iamsubmissive]

To the point that life's practicality is starting to become more important than your Dom's authority.

That's possible...

 

[Iamsubmissive]

if you want to do this, you hand wash the red panties each evening after wearing them, they should dry by the morning

( I handwash underwear and delicates most of the time and everything else for the last month! )

Yes, I've been handwashing them and blotting them with a towel to absorb most of the water so they will dry faster. You've been handwashing everything for the past month? I feel for ya!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Don't ever feel weird about talking about something that you think is ridiculous..Or silly.

I've never gotten the reasoning behind those sort of requests, either.
In fact, I went a whole week without underwear once at a Dom's request. I think he got miffed with me because I was neither embarrassed nor emboldened sexually by going commando. (In other words, I could have cared less if I had them on or not, and going without did not make me feel any sexier than had I worn something else. ) It just seemed odd, and a bit unsanitary... but I did it because he asked, which should have been sufficient, but obviously he was angling more for some sort of reaction out of me. (Sorry?)
(And yes..I'm missing some punctuation in that helluva run on...)

If you are prone to embarrassment or tend toward the shy about having someone know what undies you're wearing, then perhaps he was playing on that fact. Again, no clue here as to why this type of "control"
is a turn on, but apparently it is.

LOL..I've done the no underwear thing too, with basically the same feelings as you. I think part of the reason I feel silly about this type of instruction is because I don't get why that type of control is a turn on either. If I'm doing it for no particular reason at all, it feels pointless, but if I knew he actuaĺly got some pleasure out of it, then okay...

Thanks for the input.

 

[SilverBass]

LOL..I've done the no underwear thing too, with basically the same feelings as you. I think part of the reason I feel silly about this type of instruction is because I don't get why that type of control is a turn on either. If I'm doing it for no particular reason at all, it feels pointless, but if I knew he actuaĺly got some pleasure out of it, then okay...

Thanks for the input.

Are you able to ask him why? I explain the whys to my pet all the time. I have her wearing some piece of clothing or jewelry I have purchased for her at all times 24/7 to act as a sort of collar. Wearing a real collar is not practical but wearing one of these other items serves the same purpose for us. It represents my ownership of her, and all of these items are styles and colors that she likes. If he has a reason behind his request for the red underwear then hopefully he'll give it to you, as otherwise wouldn't the request feel empty? Do this, just because? A Dom, in my opinion should never abuse his power or ask something of his sub just because he can. There should always be some reason behind it known to the sub. At least that's how I see it.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Let's say it this way:
If I would tell you to breathe regularly and you follow this order - then it would not really indicate any kind of obedience even though you do exactly as told. Right?

ok, I get that

Let's say it this way:
If you would have felt differently, do you think he would have said that this is not how you should feel?

probably not. Good point.

This is why I consider humilation the second activity in BDSM that is actually more art than play (the first is Shibari). You can't just declare that spanking is humiliating if the other person does not feel that way. Your humiliation does not come from the activity itself, but from how you perceive yourself while performing tasks for some letters on a screen.

that makes sense too.

(This is of course just a wild guess as I don't know you.)

But the humiliation thing is something I don't think I'll ever really understand. Ok, I just looked up the definition...to cause shame.

Definition of shame: The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable,improper,ridiculous,etc.,done by oneself or another:

So, I'm gonna have to say this is not something that turns me on. I would want to avoid being humiliated in private, public, sexually or otherwise.

Here's a story that's not sexually related, but...
I use to work in a mall when I was younger. One day an attractive, well-groomed man, probably in his late 20s, walked up to the counter to ask for directions. He was wearing an expensive looking suit, with the jacket hung across his arm. When he walked away I noticed he had one of those paper toilet seat covers hanging from the waist of his pants...still outlining his ass as if he was sitting on the toilet. It looked so comical I couldn't stop myself from laughing, but at the same time I felt bad for him. I debated on calling him back to let him know (and maybe I should have) but I decided it would be too embarrassing for both of us, so he just walked on down the mall like that! I'm sure that would have been humiliating for anyone...just not in a sexual kind of way.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Are you able to ask him why? I explain the whys to my pet all the time. I have her wearing some piece of clothing or jewelry I have purchased for her at all times 24/7 to act as a sort of collar. Wearing a real collar is not practical but wearing one of these other items serves the same purpose for us. It represents my ownership of her, and all of these items are styles and colors that she likes. If he has a reason behind his request for the red underwear then hopefully he'll give it to you, as otherwise wouldn't the request feel empty? Do this, just because? A Dom, in my opinion should never abuse his power or ask something of his sub just because he can. There should always be some reason behind it known to the sub. At least that's how I see it.

No, I didn't ask why. It was a simple request and it didn't bother me to do it, so I just complied. Sometimes random requests are "just because"...I guess just to exercise control. If it had been something I would have had a hard time doing or felt really uncomfortable with we would have talked about it and maybe modify or cancel it.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

But the humiliation thing is something I don't think I'll ever really understand. Ok, I just looked up the definition...to cause shame.

Definition of shame: The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable,improper,ridiculous,etc.,done by oneself or another:

So, I'm gonna have to say this is not something that turns me on. I would want to avoid being humiliated in private, public, sexually or otherwise.

Here's a story that's not sexually related, but...
I use to work in a mall when I was younger. One day an attractive, well-groomed man, probably in his late 20s, walked up to the counter to ask for directions. He was wearing an expensive looking suit, with the jacket hung across his arm. When he walked away I noticed he had one of those paper toilet seat covers hanging from the waist of his pants...still outlining his ass as if he was sitting on the toilet. It looked so comical I couldn't stop myself from laughing, but at the same time I felt bad for him. I debated on calling him back to let him know (and maybe I should have) but I decided it would be too embarrassing for both of us, so he just walked on down the mall like that! I'm sure that would have been humiliating for anyone...just not in a sexual kind of way.

I'm with you on the humiliation. Seems mean spirited and spiteful ..But, I suppose if you've never been called "pig" then you don't really know what it's like to be degraded in a real context, and therefore " playing" at being degraded could be a turn on...

I over developed my sense of humor to deflect the asswads and douche nozzles who did that shit growing up. "Disarm your attacker" so to speak.

I could never see myself enjoying that and it literally breaks my heart when I see how people get off on it.. I admit, I'll never understand it, and quite frankly, don't want to. I just try not to associate with them.

Separation of a person's desire to engage in that kind of behavior and the person himself is hard for me. I have difficulty reconciling the two.

Of course, I want to strangle my management on most days, so, by my own definition.. I'm a serial killer, and therefore not suitable for society.

 

[Primalex]

But the humiliation thing is something I don't think I'll ever really understand.

That's true for most kinks that we don't share - or rather most feelings. If you have never felt how it is like to burn your finger, your empathy with someone who has burnt his/her finger will be shallow and driven by logic, not emotion.

And while you understand humiliation, as your example indicates, you don't understand that this can generate sexual pleasure or tension for some. And...this will never change if you don't share these feelings, you can only accept what those people say as truth.

 

[Primalex]

I'm with you on the humiliation. Seems mean spirited and spiteful ..But, I suppose if you've never been called "pig" then you don't really know what it's like to be degraded in a real context, and therefore " playing" at being degraded could be a turn on...

That's not how it works and this is actually degrading those who have this kink.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

That's not how it works and this is actually degrading those who have this kink.

no malice intended, I'm not saying that's how it always works..Just my take on it.

I don't like oysters, either, but by saying oysters are gross doesn't mean others can't eat oysters without deriving pleasure from them..

It simply means I don't like oysters, much how I don't like extreme degredation.

Accept my opinion or don't, it's your choice. But it's my opinion, and I'll likely not diverge from it.

 

[SilverBass]

no malice intended, I'm not saying that's how it always works..Just my take on it.

I don't like oysters, either, but by saying oysters are gross doesn't mean others can't eat oysters without deriving pleasure from them..

It simply means I don't like oysters, much how I don't like extreme degredation.

Accept my opinion or don't, it's your choice. But it's my opinion, and I'll likely not diverge from it.

Well said!!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

That's true for most kinks that we don't share - or rather most feelings. If you have never felt how it is like to burn your finger, your empathy with someone who has burnt his/her finger will be shallow and driven by logic, not emotion.

And while you understand humiliation, as your example indicates, you don't understand that this can generate sexual pleasure or tension for some. And...this will never change if you don't share these feelings, you can only accept what those people say as truth.

Humiliation as a fetish was a tricky one for me to understand because I wasn't really clear on what constitutes humiliation...if it's something you like or enjoy, how is that humiliating? But Primalex explanation of humiliation not coming from the act itself but how you perceive yourself doing that act...that helps me get it. I wasn't really concerned with "why" people like it, but more of "what exactly it was". I don't have any issues with people liking it or not.

I also don't like "playing with poop" ...or pee...or breath play...or electricity...etc. But I knew what those things were about. Some people like it and that's okay. I don't need to know "why".

 

[SilverBass]

Humiliation as a fetish was a tricky one for me to understand because I wasn't really clear on what constitutes humiliation...if it's something you like or enjoy, how is that humiliating? But Primalex explanation of humiliation not coming from the act itself but how you perceive yourself doing that act...that helps me get it. I wasn't really concerned with "why" people like it, but more of "what exactly it was". I don't have any issues with people liking it or not.

I also don't like "playing with poop" ...or pee...or breath play...or electricity...etc. But I knew what those things were about. Some people like it and that's okay. I don't need to know "why".

Personally I am always interested in the "why". That is not to judge as I do not judge, I am just interested in the reasoning as best anyone can explain it. I like getting to know how people's minds work and what is behind a specific desire or act in which they like to engage. It helps me get to know the person more intimately when I know and understand the "whys". Also I do understand the turn on in being humiliated as often feeling any strong emotion, even if a negative one, can be stimulating. I do however see that one can develop a callus from being humiliated, so that the feeling of humiliation wears off unless it becomes stronger and stronger. At some point there is just no humiliation left. But this Dom has no sadistic impulses at all. I could not and would not ever inflict any kind of humiliation on my sub or any sub. It is just not in my nature. It does not appeal to me sexually or in any other way. With that said I wouldn't be the right fit for a sub who enjoys this kind of activity. I just don't find it appealing, but more power to those who do!