Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[Wild_Honey_66]

I am thankful to have the option of online available to me.

Sometimes it is the best option, sometimes it is the only option.

 

[The_gladiator]

I am thankful to have the option of online available to me.

Sometimes it is the best option, sometimes it is the only option.

I agree, its enabled me to find things I cannot in real life, or at least haven't found.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Deleted member 861104]

An interesting thread. As one with Dominant tendencies, I enjoyed a short online relationship which for me became too much to handle. Perhaps it was the inexperience in which we did not set a practical set of guidelines. Being married and trying to keep up with my sub's needs on an almost daily (sometimes many times daily) basis was just overwhelming.

I now know that in the future both of us need to talk about what is practical and meaningful.

It sure was a great two weeks for both of us though!!

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I am thankful to have the option of online available to me.

Sometimes it is the best option, sometimes it is the only option.

(((hugs)))
I wish it could have worked for me. I'm happy that you get some satisfaction from it.

The best option is not always a "good" option for some of us.

 

[The_gladiator]

I balance two possibilities equally in most cases.

In the first possibility someone could be absolutely sincere, maybe putting a certain perspective of themselves forward, but totally sincere. In the other case they could be one of those odd people who are totally misrepresentative/ an alt/ whatever.

I am me, I am always me; ( if my husband used the account he makes it clear and he does check my pms but it's a true representation of the aspect of me appropriate for this venue, so it doesn't matter who the other pretends to be so long as I keep safe.

Sometimes you just get a feeling some one is 'right' or a 'good'un'. It's happened before that friends have parted ways and I keep their information, such little as I have. Private, and hope they do the same.

I think one of the difficulties in distinguishing on line from 'real life' with that term 'real life' is we can forget that it's not just Us impacted but the other party. A bad fit/ different outlook/ expectations doesn't equal 'fake' 'lunatic' 'unreal'.

And the feelings generated online ARE real, or can be. One of my best local real life friends I met on another forum, I just returned from a holiday where I met a few listers, including some I consider very dear 'real life' friends who I met here and don't see because they don't live locally. This is no different to family in the same position or friends from say, college, who live on the other side of the world. Why should meeting someone to have other type of relationship outlet be considered not 'real life' because it initiates mainly conducts in this media? Across time zones, for example, it's very convenient to use messages/email/ Skype.

Yes as someone who has fallen in love with someone online I agree with you and some of my online friends are no less real to me than any other I just have not seen them in person for one reason or another. Not every internet interaction ends up like that, there are others I hold a distance from, there is in a sense an internet persona I use, is it a lie or inaccurate, no, but sometimes it is a way to enjoy online things without getting too sucked into the computer, but it really depends on the venue. I deeply value the connections especially bdsm ones which have gone that level deeper, that are true friends, not just internet passers bye. That being said having been in internet relationships of one sort or another for many many years it is important to sometimes approach them differently than in person interactions. I have had many internet friends and lovers drop off the face of the map, computer issues, rw problems interfering and sometimes you have to find a way to accept those things more easily, so with some people I can become just as attached but I have to be more prepared for them to fade from my life more suddenly than I would expect a in person friend to do.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Men pretend to be women online for different reasons. Some are just trying to explore their options and pretending to be a woman is easier for them. Some just want attention. Many men want the kind of attention women get online, and women often dislike that same attention. If a woman says, "I'm so tired of men contacting me and telling me what they want to do to my body!" At least one dude pops up to say, "omg! What's wrong with you?! I'd LOVE it if a woman contacted me and told me what she wanted to do to my body!" Pretending to be a woman gets them messages and men talking to them about all the things they want to do to them. That's just in a general situation too.

Submissive men are in even less demand in some cases. Of course, I think it's usually the approach that takes them out of the running. :shrugs: A lot of women want to be treated like people and a lot of men want to be treated like sexy pieces of meat. Wonder why that came about?

I get what youre saying, but still...that attention isn't really meant for them if they're pretending to be someone they're not. (It's kinda like stealing your neighbors mail) I guess, to each their own though. Maybe there is less demand for sub men but from what I've seen you can pretty much find whatever you're looking for out there...not really gonna find it if you're being something you're not though. Eh, whatever!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

An interesting thread. As one with Dominant tendencies, I enjoyed a short online relationship which for me became too much to handle. Perhaps it was the inexperience in which we did not set a practical set of guidelines. Being married and trying to keep up with my sub's needs on an almost daily (sometimes many times daily) basis was just overwhelming.

I now know that in the future both of us need to talk about what is practical and meaningful.

It sure was a great two weeks for both of us though!!

I can relate in that, as someone inexperienced in online relationships, I found that it does take up a lot more of my time than I originally expected. But the 'need' for regular contact was much stronger than I expected too. If I had more RL things that took priority, I would find it hard to maintain this level of online interaction too. It can definitely be overwhelming at times (but I'm liking that )

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I am thankful to have the option of online available to me.

Sometimes it is the best option, sometimes it is the only option.

Another tally mark for the plus side!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Would setting regular boundaries work? For example no contact on certain days of week/ times of day etc being the given expectation?

It would probably be a good idea. Scheduled times of contact would help with the anxiety of wondering 'when' you are going to hear from each other too. And help keep the balance with RL. Good advice...I'll have to suggest that to my online D. Thanks!

 

[The_gladiator]

This is tough for me, because if my love language of touch cannot be filled, it gets replaced with my second quality time and if I can't touch the person I want to spend more and more time so boundaries have certainly been an issue over the years

I too agree that it is heartbreaking to lose some internet friends, but it happens so often that I find I have learned to accept it much more readily than an in person connection. I have learned to live with the fact that I will never know what happened to that person. Jaded, perhaps.

 

[MeekMe]

I get what youre saying, but still...that attention isn't really meant for them if they're pretending to be someone they're not. (It's kinda like stealing your neighbors mail) I guess, to each their own though. Maybe there is less demand for sub men but from what I've seen you can pretty much find whatever you're looking for out there...not really gonna find it if you're being something you're not though. Eh, whatever!

It's not really like stealing your neighbors mail. It's more like putting khakis and a blue polo on and then walking into Best Buy where customers constantly stop you to ask for assistance just to get some attention you otherwise wouldn't get. It's cheap thrills for most. They don't want anything more than to get attention and considering how many guys are willing to give attention to anything that has even the slightest of female sounding usernames...

That and, as I said, sometimes it's to explore options. There are men that are curious about being with other men, but they are too insecure to be a man looking for a man. So they say they're a woman and that takes some of the pressure off.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

It's not really like stealing your neighbors mail. It's more like putting khakis and a blue polo on and then walking into Best Buy where customers constantly stop you to ask for assistance just to get some attention you otherwise wouldn't get. It's cheap thrills for most. They don't want anything more than to get attention and considering how many guys are willing to give attention to anything that has even the slightest of female sounding usernames...

That and, as I said, sometimes it's to explore options. There are men that are curious about being with other men, but they are too insecure to be a man looking for a man. So they say they're a woman and that takes some of the pressure off.

LOL! Good comparison with the Best Buy example. I've had that happen to me at Target when I wore a black pants and red shirt...unintentionally of course! I didn't enjoy it, but I did help a few people find things if I knew where it was.

And I guess I can see how it would be a way to experiment without really putting yourself out there...but still, it's the internet...you could still be honest and anonymous at the same time (but maybe not get the kind of responses you're looking for, I guess).

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

LOL! Good comparison with the Best Buy example. I've had that happen to me at Target when I wore a black pants and red shirt...unintentionally of course! I didn't enjoy it, but I did help a few people find things if I knew where it was.

And I guess I can see how it would be a way to experiment without really putting yourself out there...but still, it's the internet...you could still be honest and anonymous at the same time (but maybe not get the kind of responses you're looking for, I guess).

This..
I recall a woman a few years back messaging me about politics (which was my first red flag..)
After a few relatively nice messages. "She" confesses to being a "he" and asked if I'd like to "explore"..

Absolutely not...

I get it,...but then again, I don't.
You have initiated a conversation based on a lie. I wouldn't want to explore a paper bag with you if you've lied to get my attention....much less anything as deep and emotionally draining as a D/s relationship.

But, that said, he probably knew that being upfront and honest with me about his intentions would have gotten a definitive "no" from the start. Perhaps that "warm you up into a conversation" works on some? Hoping that by the time you get around to the truth, then you've managed to vest someone into continuing the conversation?

Its deceptive at best.

Evil and sadistic at worst.

 

[MeekMe]

The deception is maddening. I am typically not very welcoming to strangers in my inbox, but I can be polite for the most part. I don't worry about men posing as women, it's sometimes very easy to tell. What really gets annoying is the man that messages with ulterior motives.

Stranger: Hi, I see you like gardening! Me, too.
Me: Yes, I try but I'm not very good. What do you grow? (Checks profile, it's a man.)
Him: I grow all kinds of stuff.
Me: oh, ok. confused
Him: what kind of panties are you wearing?
Me: (Gross.) I'm not here for that.
Him: (POOF!)

It's more annoying than guys that start off with sexual stuff. At least with those guys I can tell them right away that I'm not going to be doing anything with them. They always disappear as soon as I say I'm not going to have any sexy conversations with them.

 

[SilverBass]

I just don't get this online misrepresentation thing at all. Same with the old-style pre-internet personal ads. Misrepresentation even with photos that are old and no longer applicable. Granted most of my experience with this was in RL where you were likely to meet whoever you have connected with through letters and the phone, but it has always baffled me. So much misrepresentation. And since my experience is 100% with women, that is what I am referring to, at least in my case.

Are people just being salesmen and saleswomen? Saying whatever you can to make the sale (or to get a vote)? OK, I can understand that when making a sale of a product (buyer beware) but when trying to "sell" yourself as a lover/friend/online/partner I just don't get the whole thing. Sure you can misrepresent yourself to gain more attention, but how can that attention feel good if it is not really for you but rather for a character you have created? As others have said, sure if you are looking for a one-off to get your kicks and if fantasy play is your thing then fine, but as someone who does not even enjoy role-playing, I just don't get it. I have never role played nor requested a partner to, and I'm talking RL. Because the way I see it there is nothing more intimate and satisfying that being truly everything that you are, flaws and all, and for someone accepting you for exactly that. But to each their own and I respect everyone's own creative ways. But really they only work in a satisfying manner for all, at least for anything over the short term, when being true to not only your partner, but to yourself as well.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Isn't it funny...the things that confuse us? ..."You like to dress up in slutty clothes and pee with your bathroom window open? That's cool." "Oh, you like carving dicks out of potatoes and fucking yourself with them? I can see how that would be fun."..."Wait...you're really a guy but you said you were a girl? What???"

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SilverBass]

I think IF you are using the site or similar as a 'shop window' even if you know and feel this it might be hard to 'feel' this.

I am totally upfront that I am not looking for any connection here, that I am not attractive and all that jazz and I still get PMs. However, you see people having happy times, putting avs ( real or not) that rarely show people at their worst I presume, and I think some people do feel despairing that the truth might not get them a 'bite'. And without that first bite what hope for revealing. Much like the 'face book' idea of everyone having s happier life than them ....when it's only what people show. No one posts pictures of emptying the cat litter box I guess. Or doing washing up. People forget we all see edits of life

I get that, and I'm all up for presenting ourselves at our best, but that best should at least be accurate. Because of my profession I have all kinds of photos taken of me, some terrible and some good, and of course I will only post or share the good ones, but they are an accurate representation of myself. I am bald now (shaved head) but I used to always wear a hat to cover it up as that was my sensitive area. I mean I ALWAYS wore a hat because I just didn't feel good being so exposed. Friends who knew me for years had never seen me without some kind of hat on. But I also felt like a faker and that bugged me. Finally I thought I'll go for broke, shave off what is left and be free and have a head that looks like the white ball on a pool table. Really it feels great! Even slight misrepresentations, even if not even technically inaccurate (like when I wore a hat to cover my baldness) didn't feel right.

Now I do understand the dilemma of someone who does not feel attractive and does not feel as if his/her actual self can garner the attention he/she desires, but in falsifying your appearance/personality/gender does that somehow fix the reality and feel good? I do realize for certain that some have it easier than others, but truly there is someone for everyone, and often there is ALOT of people for everyone, but yes it can take a bit longer to find them for some, as everyone's pool is not the same size. To each their own and we all know what is best for ourselves, I just don't like it when we purposely offer misrepresented versions of ourselves to others, as this is simply not fair.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MeekMe]

Oh, I am with you entirely.

But I SEE the temptation. It's ok for 'me' in a happy domestic situation to say 'be yourself' because I am where I want to be situationally. But I can also see the temptation of other. Not for me, but I can 'see it through others' eyes'. Even if I do not share the mindset I can have understanding for the motivation.

This is it. It may not fix the situation for that person but it could give them a nice ego boost to temporarily make them feel better. Also, after so many rejections one might start "trying on" some new things to get more approval.

 

[The_gladiator]

I think the internet offers a unique opertunity to be something we are not to some extent or present an image of ourselves that we might not always get to see.

I myself in rl have a disability, I cannot hide it, it is instantly visible. When someone dates me in the real world they will instantly know. When I am online especially here, I don't talk about it, I don't mention it. Is that being dishonest, no, its not. I don't deny it, and in fact if someone hunts up my back catalogue of posts I have even talked about it on the open forum, though generally I talk about it only in private with those I trust and who I feel need to know. But for that one moment I can be thought of as something other than my disability. Its so easy for people to say that there is someone for everyone and someone will accept you for who you are, but I sometimes feel these people have not lived for example with a disability, been of a minority group or really had people judge them for one thing or another, sometimes the pull to escape that is strong.

that doesn't even get to the fact that I am a roleplayer, so the persona on lit that I play in the RP forums is far different than the one I'd present here or on the playground. As people can see from my av I have an affinity for elvenkind but that's not who I really am, but it in general is a accurate interpretation of myself but maybe with different aspects emphasized than some see. I think this is a unique aspect of online relationships because I have had internet relationships wherein I myself have been in a relationship with someone no characters and then I have had relationships wherein the "glad" persona that people see on the srp board has been involved with another litster, its similar, but not exactly the same thing and appeals to different aspects of myself, allows me to meet different needs.