Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[Primalex]

no malice intended, I'm not saying that's how it always works..Just my take on it.

Your take is moronic.

I don't like oysters, either, but by saying oysters are gross doesn't mean others can't eat oysters without deriving pleasure from them..

It simply means I don't like oysters, much how I don't like extreme degredation.

Nice try, but you didn't say "humiliation is gross" - that would be indeed an opinion.

You wrote:
"But, I suppose if you've never been called "pig" then you don't really know what it's like to be degraded in a real context, and therefore " playing" at being degraded could be a turn on"

which is not even about humiliation, it is about the people who enjoy humiliation and the analogy would be something along the line of:"I suppose, people who have no taste, might be able to find oysters enjoyable."

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Your take is moronic.



Nice try, but you didn't say "humiliation is gross" - that would be indeed an opinion.

You wrote:
"But, I suppose if you've never been called "pig" then you don't really know what it's like to be degraded in a real context, and therefore " playing" at being degraded could be a turn on"

which is not even about humiliation, it is about the people who enjoy humiliation and the analogy would be something along the line of:"I suppose, people who have no taste, might be able to find oysters enjoyable."

fair enough..
It still doesn't change that my opinion is that if one has not experienced real degredation, as in the type of humiliation that is intended to hurt,
the likelihood that they'd understand why the engagement in such an activity could be viewed as offensive and damaging is slim to none.

I might add that I do not expect you (or anyone else for that matter) to agree with me. Efforts to discredit my personal expression of said opinions will not change the opinion itself, only the manner in which I express it next time.... Maybe.

Case in point.. You often have something of value to add to the discussion. Not always do you make your points clear without sounding like an ass, but, nonetheless, you continue to post with the rare gem of a thought... And that's a good thing.


Allow me to continue to post my thoughts in the manner I see fit and I promise not to nit pick yours.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Personally I am always interested in the "why". That is not to judge as I do not judge, I am just interested in the reasoning as best anyone can explain it. I like getting to know how people's minds work and what is behind a specific desire or act in which they like to engage. It helps me get to know the person more intimately when I know and understand the "whys".

I think everyone "judges" people whether they realize it or not. When your brain processes something you've learned about someone, you are in fact forming some kind of opinion about that person. Maybe you are accepting of everyone regardless of the opinions you formed, but to say you don't judge is hard to believe.

You know how when someone says, "I'm not a racist, but..." That "but" is almost always followed by a racist statement. We all like to think of ourselves as non judgemental and openminded, but how else do you choose a partner, make friends, or avoid the child molester that lives in your neighborhood. We make judgements using the information we have. (Not that you can't be friends with people that have differing opinions and interests than you...you can because you accept them for who they are. But you probably wouldn't find yourself hanging out with the guy that gets off on torturing kittens if that went against your morals.)

But please don't think that I'm "judging" you!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Case in point.. You often have something of value to add to the discussion. Not always do you make your points clear without sounding like an ass, but, nonetheless, you continue to post with the rare gem of a thought... And that's a good thing.

^That is true...sometimes Primalex does sound like an ass, probably intentionally, but I still enjoy his posts

Allow me to continue to post my thoughts in the manner I see fit and I promise not to nit pick yours.

please do continue to post your thoughts...I appreciate them

...And let's all try not to judge each other.

 

[SilverBass]

I think everyone "judges" people whether they realize it or not. When your brain processes something you've learned about someone, you are in fact forming some kind of opinion about that person. Maybe you are accepting of everyone regardless of the opinions you formed, but to say you don't judge is hard to believe.

You know how when someone says, "I'm not a racist, but..." That "but" is almost always followed by a racist statement. We all like to think of ourselves as non judgemental and openminded, but how else do you choose a partner, make friends, or avoid the child molester that lives in your neighborhood. We make judgements using the information we have. (Not that you can't be friends with people that have differing opinions and interests than you...you can because you accept them for who they are. But you probably wouldn't find yourself hanging out with the guy that gets off on torturing kittens if that went against your morals.)

But please don't think that I'm "judging" you!

Well I both agree and disagree with you. Some people are very judgmental and critical of others and some others are extremely accepting, even of differences we completely disagree with or don't understand. I would be one of the latter and I say that with all seriousness. That is why so many trust me with their secrets and infidelities and things in which they don't feel so good about, because they know I am extremely understanding and not critical of others. Now of course there is always a line and being a cat lover (I have four) I would most certainly not approve and judge someone very harshly who tortured kittens. But when I say I am non-judgmental, I mean that quite literally based on all of the so easily cast judgment of others flown around these days. Now granted this forum as a whole is of a generally more accepting crowd than many other groups. Of course I would draw the line at intentional cruelty, but I am surprisingly accepting to quite a lot as opposed to all of the rush to judgment I see out in society. Really it is a matter of putting yourself in another's shoes and understanding things from the other person's point of view, rather than looking at someone else from your own point of view and how it may affect you personally.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MeekMe]

fair enough..
It still doesn't change that my opinion is that if one has not experienced real degredation, as in the type of humiliation that is intended to hurt,
the likelihood that they'd understand why the engagement in such an activity could be viewed as offensive and damaging is slim to none.

I'm not picking on you when I say this, but there are those that take their past humiliations and use them for pleasure. A man that was harassed in the locker room for having a small penis later might find it a turn on and ask for small penis humiliation (SPH). There's a lot of guys into this. There are women that were made fun of for having huge tits, so they might ask to be humiliated and referred to as a cow as part of their pleasure. These people often start off saying, "People used to say this about me and it used to make me feel really bad, but lately it kind of turns me on." There are people that have probably not been humiliated in such ways "for real" but still enjoy it in their play.

They likely understand why people think it is gross or offensive. I have kinks that I know for sure people think are gross and offensive. I once watched an entire thread get piled on by negative comments towards a kink I really like. The reasonings being anywhere from "it's gross" to "this sexualizes something I have to do for my health therefore it's the worst thing in the whole universe." :shrugs: It's not for them, I don't feel badly about it. I find all kinds of kinks gross, I don't feel badly about that either.

 

[Primalex]

It still doesn't change that my opinion is that if one has not experienced real degredation, as in the type of humiliation that is intended to hurt, the likelihood that they'd understand why the engagement in such an activity could be viewed as offensive and damaging is slim to none.

You are misleading here again.

First, your premise is that there are people who have never ever experienced real degradation.

Using this method, I can make fairly bold claims about sexual harrassment, when I use as premise "women that have never ever experienced sexual harrassment". How likely it is to find such a woman and the relevance of the existence of such a woman is conveniently faded out.

Second, you make up a correlation between these people, if they exist at all, and people who enjoy humiliation.

I might add that I do not expect you (or anyone else for that matter) to agree with me. Efforts to discredit my personal expression of said opinions will not change the opinion itself, only the manner in which I express it next time.... Maybe.

First of all, you should learn what an opinion is. Using bold and underline does not make a statement an opinion. "The Earth is flat." is not an opinion, no matter how many words you use to disguise this, like "In my opinion the Earth is flat." or "I truly believe the Earth is flat."

You can believe a lie. You can propagate a lie. It does not make a lie an opinion.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'm not picking on you when I say this, but there are those that take their past humiliations and use them for pleasure. A man that was harassed in the locker room for having a small penis later might find it a turn on and ask for small penis humiliation (SPH). There's a lot of guys into this. There are women that were made fun of for having huge tits, so they might ask to be humiliated and referred to as a cow as part of their pleasure. These people often start off saying, "People used to say this about me and it used to make me feel really bad, but lately it kind of turns me on." There are people that have probably not been humiliated in such ways "for real" but still enjoy it in their play.

They likely understand why people think it is gross or offensive. I have kinks that I know for sure people think are gross and offensive. I once watched an entire thread get piled on by negative comments towards a kink I really like. The reasonings being anywhere from "it's gross" to "this sexualizes something I have to do for my health therefore it's the worst thing in the whole universe." :shrugs: It's not for them, I don't feel badly about it. I find all kinds of kinks gross, I don't feel badly about that either.

I don't consider your comment picking on me at all. I appreciate and welcome any input that makes sense.

I would wager in many of those instances you mention, the switch from negative to postive was made as some sort of coping mechanism. If the decision to turn a negative event from your life experience into a positive influence for your future works, by all means do it.

If you can make a rainbow with rain..Go for it.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

A man that was harassed in the locker room for having a small penis later might find it a turn on and ask for small penis humiliation (SPH). There's a lot of guys into this.

Small penis humiliation...I had no idea this was a thing! Huh, learn something new everyday.

 

[Farawyn]

Small penis humiliation...I had no idea this was a thing! Huh, learn something new everyday.

Well, you can make an acronym out of anything. BBH- big boob harassment.

I don't know if these are accepted acronyms, but it could be fun to play with.

I've had breasts since age 9. Hid them, zipped them up, reduced them...
I was grabbed my a childhood friend my age, and my pediatrician, and I never had boyfriends, because I figured they didn't like me, they were just after my boobs.

Now I have an obsession with them. Mine. And probably yours. And hers. And yea, hers, too.
If you've seen a bare pics of me here on lit, it's probably my boobs.
I want them touched, slapped, bitten and pinched. Put clothespins on them, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I took my own humiliation and shame and somehow my brain turned it into something really hot and pleasureable in my brain.

That's one side.

My other side is I do like name calling and derision, but because I trust him, there is a line he won't cross, and never ever outside of intimacy.
I was NEVER called names as a kid or younger woman, and that gets me just as hot.

I've thought about why I am like this, but, really, I'm just going with it.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

My other side is I do like name calling and derision, but because I trust him, there is a line he won't cross, and never ever outside of intimacy.
I was NEVER called names as a kid or younger woman, and that gets me just as hot.

I've thought about why I am like this, but, really, I'm just going with it.

Sometimes, not always, I like being called dirty names, but I know it's not meant to be hurtful. And like you said...never outside of intimacy. I would just find that offensive.

And boobs are great...at any size. It's funny, I was just having a conversation today with someone about sex changes. And I made the comment, "I would never want to be a guy. They've got junk dangling between their legs, have to deal with testosterone, a lot more body hair...plus, they don't have boobs!" Right there is the kicker...boobs! And not manboobs...they're not the same

 

[Farawyn]

Sometimes, not always, I like being called dirty names, but I know it's not meant to be hurtful. And like you said...never outside of intimacy. I would just find that offensive.

And boobs are great...at any size. It's funny, I was just having a conversation today with someone about sex changes. And I made the comment, "I would never want to be a guy. They've got junk dangling between their legs, have to deal with testosterone, a lot more body hair...plus, they don't have boobs!" Right there is the kicker...boobs! And not manboobs...they're not the same

No. No they aren't.

***boobs in my profile pic for a few minutes.

 

[MeekMe]

SPH is a thing and the acronym is commonly used in that crowd. There's a lot of kinks out there that Lit doesn't even come close to discussing. I'm not willing to talk about them here, either.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Farawyn]

SPH is a thing and the acronym is commonly used in that crowd. There's a lot of kinks out there that Lit doesn't even come close to discussing. I'm not willing to talk about them here, either.

Well, geez, Dr. Meek, I guess I'll have to educate myself!
(But I'll take your word on the small penis... )

 

[Farawyn]

Humiliation is so not my thing. I am kind of in awe of people who have the strength to go there. It feels like a tough ride to want to get on, but for those who like them the tough rides are thrilling ! I imagine it must be kind of, cathartic, if it's a kink for someone; for me it would not be.

Your boobs are wonderful, but NOT the only reason people would want you near them far. . Nope, down the list a bit, amazing for those breasts

Awww, Elle.
Starting to realize that, but still have the boob thing. I'm okay with it.

 

[NewSubQuestions]

Can I just say as someone who has looked at countless online dom ads that when I start to believe that none of this is real and that this is just a bunch of men trying to get off I come into the BDSM talk and find you real people and suddenly being a snowflake again makes me feel ok in this blizzard of a world! So nice to see all of you peeps ((love))

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Can I just say as someone who has looked at countless online dom ads that when I start to believe that none of this is real and that this is just a bunch of men trying to get off I come into the BDSM talk and find you real people and suddenly being a snowflake again makes me feel ok in this blizzard of a world! So nice to see all of you peeps ((love))

I've had a couple guys PM me and ask to role play, even though I told them I'm not good at that. A couple of times I was bored so I tried it out thinking "I'll be nice and help them out, even if it does nothing for me." As soon as they "finished" all I got was a quick "Gotta go, thanks!" All I got out of it was some missing sleep time and a not good feeling of being used...so I can see how you would get the impression of a bunch of men trying to get off.

Let me also say, I started chatting with one guy on a friendly level...he's really nice and fun to talk to. We've had a lot of deep conversations about different topics. One day, the D/s stuff got brought up and he actually warned me against becoming "a used up cougar"! (We actually joke about it now that we cleared things up, lol) He sent me a link to a porn site that had a BDSM category. I browsed through it to see what impression he might have had of BDSM. It was all really hardcore stuff that made me cringe and want to cover my eyes...which made me rethink telling people I'm into BDSM if that was the kind of things that popped into their head at the mention of it! Maybe the B and the D part...idk, how do you portray it as something loving and special without an in depth explanation of 'how you view it'? Most of the porn I've seen shows it as kind of 'abusive and degrading'...which is fine for people who want to look at it that way, but has anyone ever seen it displayed differently? Just wondering...

 

[FriendlyCuriousGuy]

I just wanted to interject to thank the original poster and all the contributors for an interesting thread. I have recently ventured online to explore whether I might have a fulfilling online relationship. Like at least one other contributor I have a single-parent home life situation that prevents real life relationships. Reading this thread I feel there is a lot I hadn't considered, a lot of landmines to avoid. I also had a significant real-life relationship with D/s elements. Primarily D/s of the emotional and mental variety. Nothing of the "hardcore" depictions referred to above. And so I had wondered whether a genuine online relationship was possible, and whether such a relationship could include D/s. It seems it can although I am certainly going to be going slowly here.

Again, thank you all for the food for thought. I'm stuffed.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I just wanted to interject to thank the original poster and all the contributors for an interesting thread. I have recently ventured online to explore whether I might have a fulfilling online relationship. Like at least one other contributor I have a single-parent home life situation that prevents real life relationships. Reading this thread I feel there is a lot I hadn't considered, a lot of landmines to avoid. I also had a significant real-life relationship with D/s elements. Primarily D/s of the emotional and mental variety. Nothing of the "hardcore" depictions referred to above. And so I had wondered whether a genuine online relationship was possible, and whether such a relationship could include D/s. It seems it can although I am certainly going to be going slowly here.

Again, thank you all for the food for thought. I'm stuffed.

Welcome! Even though there have been some negative aspects mentioned, along with a few warnings, I am currently still in favor of giving it a try. I think there has been some great advice listed in this thread...and with the right approach the potential for finding something meaningful and great is promising.

Hope you saved room for dessert cuz I hope there will be more interesting and helpful posts on here

 

[debsintrouble]

thank you i have found this thread really helpful it has helped me a lot over the last few days

 

[SilverBass]

Let me also say, I started chatting with one guy on a friendly level...he's really nice and fun to talk to. We've had a lot of deep conversations about different topics. One day, the D/s stuff got brought up and he actually warned me against becoming "a used up cougar"! (We actually joke about it now that we cleared things up, lol) He sent me a link to a porn site that had a BDSM category. I browsed through it to see what impression he might have had of BDSM. It was all really hardcore stuff that made me cringe and want to cover my eyes...which made me rethink telling people I'm into BDSM if that was the kind of things that popped into their head at the mention of it! Maybe the B and the D part...idk, how do you portray it as something loving and special without an in depth explanation of 'how you view it'? Most of the porn I've seen shows it as kind of 'abusive and degrading'...which is fine for people who want to look at it that way, but has anyone ever seen it displayed differently? Just wondering...

There is such a wide range as to "what BDSM is". Just like what is kinky sex? Some people think doggie style is kinky sex, or that oral sex is kinky, whereas others think that is the most vanilla of vanilla. To find BDSM images of all kinds I always go to Google Images first. Of course you need to make sure you don't have a filter on your search to see the good stuff. With that said, you'll see everything from hardcore, such as all limbs bound, spread eagle pose, gagged and you name it inserted into wherever. Then there are the images with a woman on her knees with handcuffs behind her back and her Dom offering her a rose, or Dom and his/her sub in a comforting embrace. The BDSM images can be very sensual, soft, romantic all the way up to hardcore scary (to some people). Everyone is going to have a pre-conceived image of what BDSM or kinky sex is, or even what romance is, so when it comes to hooking up with a partner it is up to them to see where each others heads are at, and possibly to expose one another to what else is out there, because certainly many have no idea. Even coming here a few weeks ago, in hanging out in the Fetish and Sexuality corner, well wow, there are some kinks and desires and things I never knew existed. Some I find exciting, others I'm thinking for me, no possible way. I often categorize my and my partner's style as BDSM-lite as we are really not into any of that hardcore stuff (only light bondage and no sadism) however we still maintain a strict D/s relationship.

So your question about has anyone seen BDSM displayed differently, just go to Google Images and search around. You'll also find some really nice quotes as well. Type in "BDSM" and then add romance or hardcore or bondage or any other descriptor to help narrow down the search.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

thank you i have found this thread really helpful it has helped me a lot over the last few days

Thanks for the comment and for hanging out here with us. I'm glad you've found it helpful. And don't be too shy to post your own opinions or questions...even if your new to this, your thoughts and feelings are relevant too.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

So your question about has anyone seen BDSM displayed differently, just go to Google Images and search around. You'll also find some really nice quotes as well. Type in "BDSM" and then add romance or hardcore or bondage or any other descriptor to help narrow down the search.

So, I did the Google search as suggested and I did find some lovely images and quotes that were nice. If I search BDSM romance I get mostly info on novels, which was cool too because I like reading stories in that category. But if you change the search to videos instead of images, I still get the same type of "hardcore stuff". I'm sure it's out there somewhere but I haven't seen a loving type D/s video. Maybe it's not a popular viewing preference...maybe that's why 50 Shades was popular? Although I still haven't seen those movies yet either. I'll put them on my watch list for the next rainy day