Some Jokes To Make Ya Smile

[carrie-on]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir,Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps
you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is:Some things in life are certain ...

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. And being screwed by a lawyer

 

[KyleW]

A Marine Aviator was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures of herself back.
So the Aviator does what any squared away aviator would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

 

[NightMoves]

Little Johnny!!!

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Little Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."

 

[NightMoves]

Those Canadian guys....

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, down 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Osama paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", Osama asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

Osama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Osama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "Mr. Laden! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

 

[NightMoves]

I was flying to San Francisco this weekend, and the stewardess reading the flight safety information had the entire planeload of passengers looking at each other like "what the hell?"

So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.

Before Takeoff....

Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing - not a pushy thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, and let me check what it is.......... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you?
After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens.

 

[NightMoves]

Terms For Female Masturbation:

5 Digit Disco

Buzzing the honey hole

Backslappin' Betty

Bailing out the Gravy Boat

Beaver bashin'

Bouncing the bearded clam

Buffing the box

Buffing the jewel

Butter schlopping

Buttering up the whisker biscuit

Clam twiddlin' jamboree

Critter crammin'

Damming the beaver

Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone

Diddling miss daisy

Diggin' for clams

Digitis Erectus

Drillin' for oil

Fingering the fountain

Flicking the minnow

Friday night lip service

Frosting the muffin of love

Giving yourself the finger

Going for the gooey duct

Impeaching Bush

Juicing the clam

Let your fingers do the walking

Lip smacking

Making tartar sauce for the fish sticks

Menage a'moi

Performing a Pearl Jam

Petting the kitty

Piddly Diddler

Playin' the slots

Playing the squeezebox

Pokin' the pie

Polishing the little pink pearl

Pumping the kooter

Punchin' the chipmunk

Reading in Braille

Riding the clitoris-sauras

Romancing thy own

Roughing up the suspect

Scrubbin' the Cake Pan

Self-guided tuna boat tour

Slopping the hog

Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose

Smacking the clam

Spanking Lucy

Stirring the cauldron

Stroking the newt

Ticklin' the taco

Tippin' the Indian

Tissue tickling

Twiddlin' the bean

Twirling the pearl

Unbuttoning the fur coat

Warming the wrist rocket

 

[NightMoves]

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking _ directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the _other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
______
Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
______

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. ______

JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. ________

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI ______
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
______

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
________

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have _ been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
________
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili
an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER ____
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshley ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. ____

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. ______

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY ____

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers._

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN ASS CHILI ______

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence. ______

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili...

 

[NightMoves]

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom

How do you know when you're really
ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

Say, "Nice Dick"

How do you know when you're leading a sad life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls

Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday

Why is being in the Military like a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel

What do you call a 90 year old man
who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?

Her Navel

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A Bingo Machine

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside

Why did God create alcohol?

So ugly people could have sex too

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck

What three two-letter words mean small?

"Is It In?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you

If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?

Divorce proceedings most likely

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?

Men miss them all

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future either

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo"

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A Pimp

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck?

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo"

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row row row your boat

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time"

A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit"

 

[NightMoves]

Redneck Letter

Dear Billy joe Bob,

I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

 

[sarahuk4]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?'

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

 

[sarahuk4]

There was a city cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep" the little boy said, "he sure did." The cop looked over the bike and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation, he said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young boy looked at the cop and said, "nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little boy looked at the cop and said, "next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

 

[sarahuk4]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange adate but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out
the night before and shoot the fox.

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
pull a fast one".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".

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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to
pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic converter.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",he said "Not you again".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

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Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

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And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
he's bisatchel.

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So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?".

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So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

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Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't
want your type in here"

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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything"

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A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is
this some kind of joke?"

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Dyslexic man walks into a bra

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A seal walks into a club...

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says:"Pint please, and one for the road."

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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[sarahuk4]

Subject: the diary of a viagra wife
>
> Day 1.
>
> Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to
> celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night,
>he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
>
> Day 2.
>
> Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent,
>he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he
>tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't
>noticed.
>
> Day 3.
>
> This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I
>saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
>
> Day 4.
>
> A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that
>will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he
>takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding
>night. I think this will work.I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra,
>hoping to lift something other than his mood.
>
> Day 5.
>
> What absolute bliss!!.
>
> Day 6.
>
> Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's
>doing that.
>
> Day 7.
>
> This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
>Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a
>Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit
>it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
>
> Day 8.
>
> I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead
>of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.
>I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
>
> Day 9.
>
> No time to write. He might catch me.
>
> Day 10.
>
> Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so
>much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with
>neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
>
> Day 11.
>
> I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a
>Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.
>Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
>
> Day 12.
>
> I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my
>teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even
>yawning has become dangerous ...
>
> Day 13.
>
> Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like
>going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries
>that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
>
> Day 14.
>
> I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I
>even
> started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him
>more horny. Help me.
>
> Day 15.
>
> I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to
>everything I
> sit on.
> The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come
>over any more.
> Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did.
>
> Day 16.
>
> The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope
>the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the
>Viagra and going back on Prozac.
>
> Day 17.
>
> Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
> difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.
>
> Day 18.
>
> He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of
>the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me
>to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.
>

 

[NightMoves]

Little Johnny!!!

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good. He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them.

As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, Little Johnny, who was standing there said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them."

The lineman tried to ignore Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it.

So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough Little Johnny was still standing there. He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down."

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole than he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbed from the pole and went over to the bushes to take a leak.

As he was relieving himself he saw Little Johnny watching him through the bushes. He'd had it with this kid so he said to him, "I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, but his would make two of yours."

 

[carrie-on]

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...

 

[carrie-on]

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, 25 Cents".
"Why not?", thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - 50 Cents.
The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly and, with some anticipation, stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later, it shut off and, with
trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis....... now with a button sewed on the end.

 

[NightMoves]

The "F" Word

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

#10 -- "Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!"
__- Noah 4314 BC

# 9 - "How the fuck did you work that out?"
__- Pythagorus, 126 BC

# 8 - "You want THAT on the fucking ceiling?"
__- Michelangelo, 1568

# 7 - "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?"
__- Custer, 1877

# 6 - "It does so fucking look like her!"
__- Picasso, 1926

# 5 - "Where the fuck are we?"
__- Amelia Earhard, 1937

# 4 - "Any fucking idiot could understand that!"
__- Einstein, 1938

# 3 - "What the fuck was that?"
__- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

# 2 - "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"
__- JFK.1963

# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"
__- Bill Clinton

 

[carrie-on]

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free ... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty ... do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves
completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

 

[NightMoves]

Who's In Charge?

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
_
The brain said, "I do all the thinking, so I'm the most important, and I should be in charge."
_
The eyes said, "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important, and I should be in charge."
_
The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick up anything._ So I'm the most important, and I should be in charge."
_
The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you._ Without me, we'd starve._ I'm the most important, and I should be in charge."
_
The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere._ I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
_
Then the rectum said, "I think I should be in charge."
_
All the rest of the parts said, "YOU???!!!_ You don't do anything!_ You're not important!_ You can't be in charge."
_
So the rectum closed up._ After a few days the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes all water and the brain was cloudy.
_
They all agreed that they couldn't take anymore of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
_
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

 

[STUDDOG]

Pulling Out On Time


A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother,
who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did
your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because
Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

 

[STUDDOG]

Did you recieve your tax refund yet?
Did you notice the "PENIS TAX"?

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that
40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off and
10% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Effective January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as Follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax


Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?


___________________________________________________


*WEIRD NEWS*

A witness has told a US court how staff in a Burger King spat
on food and skated on frozen hamburgers.

Daniel Musson was testifying against Scot Savino, 20.
Both worked in the Henrietta branch in New York State.

Sheriff's Deputy Gamaliel Dominguez became violently ill
after eating at the restaurant. Savino could receive up to
seven years in prison if convicted of second-degree assault
and first-degree tampering with a consumer product.

Savino is accused of putting oven cleaner in the burger.

According to the Rochester News, Musson said when customers
asked for a burger without a gherkin or sauce, staff would get annoyed.

He and Savino retaliated by lacing food with cleaning products or saliva,
he said.

He said they put frozen burgers on the floor and "skated" on them
before they were cooked. Savino also claimed to have urinated on a burger,
he said.

"I thought it'd be funny and it was a cool thing to do at the time,"
Musson told Monroe County Assistant District Attorney Jim Wolford.

Musson, 19, pleaded guilty to first-degree tampering with a consumer
product.

He faces a penalty ranging from six months of weekends in jail
to three years in prison when he is sentenced next week.

more

__________________________________________________



"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."

-- Lenny Bruce




Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything
absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of
morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He
almost died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to
give
a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one
hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" said the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to
prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


_______________________________________________



Police Nab Breast-Temptress Thieves

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - Three young Colombian women
preyed on men by smearing their breasts with a powerful drug and
luring the victims into taking a lick, before making off with their
wallets
and cars, police said on Friday.
The women stood by the side of the road near bars and restaurants
in wealthy parts of the capital Bogota, striking seductive poses to
lure men driving by to stop, a police spokeswoman told Reuters.
After licking the women's breasts, the men lost all will-power.
They came to their senses hours later to find they had lost their
wallets and cars but with no memory of what had happened.


________________________________________________-


"5 out of every 4 people has trouble with fractions"





My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll 'give' you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

 

[sarahuk4]

There were these twin sisters just turning 100 years old in St.
Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local rag, "The Cambridge
Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of
these 100-year-old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her
twin,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS
SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer. I've got to focus a little," said
the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US ?!? HOW NICE!"

 

[alwaysawake]

I got a kick out of this one...AA


SENIOR EXERCISE REGIMEN

Pass this along to your senior friends. For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.

Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next... start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

 

[tonitits]

I got a kick out of this one...AA


SENIOR EXERCISE REGIMEN

Pass this along to your senior friends. For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.

Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next... start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

Subject: Why we love kids
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher
exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No.
You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again,
I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."________________________________________________

This one is my favorite: When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said," Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied,"Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes,"he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH,is four." _________________________________________________

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for ten minutes.

 

[NightMoves]

Two Couples

Two couples were playing cards. Doug accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Doug's wife was not wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, Bill hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Bill went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Doug's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Bill admitted that, well, yes he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you
$100."

After a minute or two, Bill indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Doug works Friday afternoons and Bill doesn't, Bill should come to her house around 2:00pm on Friday.

Friday came and Bill went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then Bill left. Doug came home about 6:00pm.

He asked his wife, "Did Bill come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Doug asked, "Did Bill give you $100?"

His wife thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Doug says. "Bill came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.