Some Jokes To Make Ya Smile

[carrie-on]

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus, and she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins Are Coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment Will Reduce The Swelling' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did The Trick' and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident... I just lost it."

 

[NightMoves]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes -- massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq -- ruled by a dick.

 

[cookiejar]

Hey NightMoves.....Here is a great link for everyone!!!


http://sickjokes.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.fu-fme.com/


Cookie

 

[carrie-on]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed.

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Damn!
{DD} Double damn!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me -- I've fallen and can't get up!

 

[amiss]

*wonders... Does nightmoves know any jokes that DON'T involve farts???*

 

[tonitits]

This website was sent to me from a co worker. It is pretty cool. Give it a try!!!

http://mr.31238.mr.valuehost.co.uk/assets/flash/psychic.swf

 

[tonitits]

This website was sent to me from a co worker. It is pretty cool. Give it a try!!!

http://mr.31238.mr.valuehost.co.uk/assets/flash/psychic.swf

it is supposed to be mr.31238.mr.valuehost.co.uk/assets/Flash/phychic.swf and when I try to edit it is there but when save the Fl is missing!mr.31238.mr.valuehost.co.uk./assets/Flash/pyschic.swf

 

[tonitits]

Ole, Lena, Lars and Sven



Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."



**********



The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."



**********



Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.



**********



Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.' " The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "



***********



Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly? "No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"



***********



Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."



***********



And dot's enough !!

 

[alwaysawake]

I thought this was amusing...and TRUE! AA

Send in the Mothers

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!

How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! They can't find the dirty clothes hamper. They can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? They probably couldn't find them if they were lying in the middle of a dusty street with a picture of Saddam aiming a rifle in the air taped on the side

I keep wondering why groups of women weren't sent in---preferably mothers. After all, mothers know that their boys can't find their socks or underwear when they're neatly folded in their dresser drawers, so how could they be expected to find hidden biological weapons? On the other hand, mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.

What we need over there are women like my mother.

My mother could find the old olive bottles filled with dimes that dad stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. She could sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. She always knew when the lid of the cookie jar had been disturbed, and I swear she must have dusted for prints on the roll of salami that was always in the refrigerator. She knew if a slice had been removed and by whom.

I developed her ability to stalk out criminal activity when my kids were at home. They couldn't get away with much that I didn't know about. They still think they got away with a lot, but actually I always knew what they were doing, and if I decided that what they were doing was not too important or dangerous, I allowed them to think they were getting away with it. It was important for them to think they have an uncanny ability to pull the wool over mom's eyes occasionally.

But male inspectors?

Going after Saddam?

Now I know that our country has gone mad. Those inspectors will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats. They will try to use science to find chemicals. These men, dressed in their pretentious jumpsuits, carrying their bulging briefcases, will barge into palaces and hovels, look around and then officiously announce, "all clear".

But if mothers were sent in they wouldn't need body suits, briefcases or science. Mothers would go in, charge up to Saddam and, with their hands on their hips, demand, "do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And they could tell in an instant whether he was lying or telling the truth.

And mothers would be quite capable of finding his cache no matter how cleverly he thought it was hidden.

God help him once it was found; he would be chastised until he begged for mercy. He wouldn't be given a "time-out"; he would get an old fashioned butt-kicking by women who are adept at butt-kicking. And by the time these women finished with Saddam, he would be sitting in the middle of a dusty road with a limp rifle and a stunned look on his evil face.

 

[tonitits]

I thought this was amusing...and TRUE! AA

Send in the Mothers

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!

How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! They can't find the dirty clothes hamper. They can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? They probably couldn't find them if they were lying in the middle of a dusty street with a picture of Saddam aiming a rifle in the air taped on the side

I keep wondering why groups of women weren't sent in---preferably mothers. After all, mothers know that their boys can't find their socks or underwear when they're neatly folded in their dresser drawers, so how could they be expected to find hidden biological weapons? On the other hand, mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.

What we need over there are women like my mother.

My mother could find the old olive bottles filled with dimes that dad stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. She could sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. She always knew when the lid of the cookie jar had been disturbed, and I swear she must have dusted for prints on the roll of salami that was always in the refrigerator. She knew if a slice had been removed and by whom.

I developed her ability to stalk out criminal activity when my kids were at home. They couldn't get away with much that I didn't know about. They still think they got away with a lot, but actually I always knew what they were doing, and if I decided that what they were doing was not too important or dangerous, I allowed them to think they were getting away with it. It was important for them to think they have an uncanny ability to pull the wool over mom's eyes occasionally.

But male inspectors?

Going after Saddam?

Now I know that our country has gone mad. Those inspectors will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats. They will try to use science to find chemicals. These men, dressed in their pretentious jumpsuits, carrying their bulging briefcases, will barge into palaces and hovels, look around and then officiously announce, "all clear".

But if mothers were sent in they wouldn't need body suits, briefcases or science. Mothers would go in, charge up to Saddam and, with their hands on their hips, demand, "do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And they could tell in an instant whether he was lying or telling the truth.

And mothers would be quite capable of finding his cache no matter how cleverly he thought it was hidden.

God help him once it was found; he would be chastised until he begged for mercy. He wouldn't be given a "time-out"; he would get an old fashioned butt-kicking by women who are adept at butt-kicking. And by the time these women finished with Saddam, he would be sitting in the middle of a dusty road with a limp rifle and a stunned look on his evil face.

that's good. I like that !

 

[NightMoves]

I Need To Get This Topic Going Again!

YOU MIGHT BE IN A REDNECK CHURCH IF.......

~*~ People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

~*~ The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," then five guys and two women stand up.

~*~ Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

~*~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

~*~ The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

~*~ Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

~*~ In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

~*~ Baptism is referred to as "branding".

~*~ There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.

~*~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

~*~ High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

~*~ People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

~*~ The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?

 

[cookiejar]

A small, balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest
whiskey you got! I'm so upset I can't even see straight!"

The bartender, noticing that the little man was a bit the worse for wear, poured him a double of
Southern Comfort. The man swilled down the drink and said, "Gimme another!"

The bartender poured the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little
steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So the man began his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blond
sauntered in, and actually sat beside me at the bar. I thought, Wow! This has never happened
before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I felt this
hand moving around in my lap, and the blond leaned over, licked my ear, and asked if I was
interested! I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head, so she grabbed my
hand, and started walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to
be true! She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut
the door she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me
much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys
jingling, and someone started fumbling with the door. The blond said, 'Oh my gosh, it's my
boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad! Quick, hide!' So
I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide
there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he was bound to look there too. By now I
could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging
there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender said, "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but the guy finally got the door open and he yelled out, 'Who you been sleeping with
now, bitch?' The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' Well, the guy
started tearing up the room. I heard him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I
was thinking, Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there. Then I heard him lift up the bed and throw it
across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that
over there by the window?' I thought, Oh crap, I'm dead meat now. But the blond by now was
trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I heard the guy go into the
bathroom, and I heard water running for a long time, and I figured maybe he was gonna take a bath
or something, when all of a sudden the bastard poured a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the
window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second- degree burns all over my scalp
and shoulders!"

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have enraged me for sure."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy started slamming the window shut over and over on
my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looked at the guy's hands and said, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so
upset."

"No, that wasn't what really ticked me off."

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, what did finally tick you off?"

"Well, I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about six inches
off the ground!"

 

[NightMoves]

Big Son Of A Bitch

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled
"Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent.

The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.

The Pope sat silent in disbelief.

And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face. "You fuckers are alright!!"

 

[NightMoves]

Let's See...

*wonders... Does nightmoves know any jokes that DON'T involve farts???*

There are FIVE fuckin pages of jokes here, and you're gonna go apeshit over ONE or TWO pages of fart jokes? Damn, you've obviously not read the entire fuckin thread, otherwise you'd see that I have not told a joke that involved farting, for a long fuckin time! Get your head out of your ass, and read the whole fuckin thread!

 

[cookiejar]

BOOKS I HAVEN'T READ

Flowers and Thorns by Rose Bush
The Burglar by Jimmy Locks
The Rock Star by Kenny Singh
The Outlaw by Robin Banks
Taking a Chance by Willie Duwitt
Breaking the Record by Betty Kant
Ape Man by Harry Oliver
The Wedding by June Bride
Tornado by August Storm
Spring Rain by April Showers
The Doctor by Justin Case
The Garden by May Flowers
The Picture by Ima Painter
Old Cars by Stu D. Baker
World Traveler by Ben Dare
The Cyclist by Sue Zuki
The Sunset by Scarlet Sky
The Oil Man by Tex Aco
The Bouquet by Red Flowers
The Weather Man by Sonny Day
Cakes and Cookies by I. Emma Cook
Winning by Vic Tory
Christmas Time by Carol Singer
Attacked in the Wild by Bob Katz
Track Star by Ron Quick
Money Broker by Len Mesum
Horsing Around by Tom Foolery
The Toy Maker by Dolly Dresser
The Drunk by Al Kahol
The Music Man by Sarah Nader
The Teenager by Bobby Socks
Road Kill by Ron Overum
The Tightwad by Penny Pincher
A Child’s Toy by Ted E. Bare
End of the World by Hope Knot
Australian Animals by Ken Garoo
Country Living by Dusty Rhodes
Girl Scouts by Cookie Baker
Harrassment by Fannie Patter
The Millionaire by Rich Mann
Multi-Millionaire by Rich Err
The Duplicate by Sam Ting
The Prankster by Jess Foolin
A Friend of the Groom by Bess Mann
The Fat Lady by Ada Lott
Calories by Candy Barr
Chinese Taxi by Ricky Shaw
Win the Lottery by May Knott
Minorities by I. M. Black
The Desert by Sandy Valley
The Stunt Man by Manny Bumps
Frogs by Lily Pond
Fishing by Rod Enreel
The Church by Doris Opun
Pasta by Mack A. Roney
Prison Camp by Barb Wyer
Noise by Jack Hammer
The Comic by Joe Kerr
The Wood Cutter by Tim Burr
The Squeaking Door by Rusty Hinges
The Cold Spell by Donna Jacket
The Postman Gets Through by Helen Highwater
The Military by Joy Nupp
The Bakery by Shari Pye
The Bargain by Val Yoo
Petty Crime by Miss Demeaner
Close Friends by Carol Ott
The Ballet Suit by Leo Tards
Marsupials by Wally B.
The Failure by Lou Zir
The Pickpocket by Rob M. Quick
Japanese Coffee by Tokyo Joe
A Fairy Tale by Cindy Rella
The Housewife by Kit Chen
Losing Money by Will Gamble
Killing Time by Wade A. Lott
Learning by Ed G. Kayshin
Shopping Spree by Phillip D. Cart
Strolling by Jay Walker
Whiskers by Fuzzy Chin
Disgusting by U. R. Sik
Flat Tire by Jack Upit
Living Without T.V. by Ray Deo
Long Hot Summer by Mel Ting
Off the Mark by Mister A. Mile
The Tutor by Page Turner
Midgets by Tiny Fellows
Bankrupt by Ben Rich
The Pet Box by Kitty Litter
Saint Nick by Sandy Clause
Nothing to Do by Lou Sends
A Helping Hand by Shirly Wood
The Funeral by Paul Bearer
Small For His Age by Willie Grow
That’s a Good One by Jim Dandy
Virginia by Carrie Mebak
Tired by Tucker Dout
Horn Blower by Ken Toot
The Pirate by Peg Leg
Long Cool Drink by Bev Rage
The Visit by Pop Inagen
The Holdup by Hanna Dover
The Drunk Driver by Rex A. Lott
Exercise by Ben Down
The Sunrise by Earl E. Bird
Giving Up by Chuck Itall
Cute Babies by Wanda Kissum
Religion by Sal Vation
Man’s Best Friend by Terry Err
The Funeral by Barry Debody
Making Hay by Al Falfa
Battery by Ray Ovac
Paintings by Art Dealer
The Meadow by Timothy Grass
The Lion Act by Kitty Trainer
The Horseman by Rhoda Lott
The Coming Out Party by Debby U. Tant
Condominium by Sharon Homes
Contamination by Tess D. Waters
Noël by Mary Holiday
Believe It or Not by Horace Fedders
The Forecast by Faron Colder
The Nightmare by Gladys Over
Heating Up by Luke Warm
The Ball Player by Homer Hitter
Jewelry by Ruby Ring
Sky Diving by Darrin A. Jump
Sleepless by Liza Wake
Leprechauns by Tiny Peoples
Fishing by Barry Cuda
Captivity by Bon Dage
Picking Up Leaves by Ray King
Bird Watching by Bob O. Link
Making Waves by Rock Debote
Portrait Painter by Stan Still
Communication by Meg A. Hertz
Slimy Creatures by Liz Ard
Crowning the King by Cora Nashon
Goblins by Hol Oween
Graduation by Sarah Moeny
History by Warren Peace
Blushing by Rosey Cheeks
The Error by Amos Stake
Missing by Van Isht
Making Progress by Howie Dooin
Training by Abel N. Reddy
The Vote by Allen Favor
Hunting Clams by Pearl Diver
Freedom by Don Fensmein (editor’s note: Don’t Fence-Me-In)
Funeral Director by Mort Ishen

 

[STUDDOG]

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us," she replied.




health tips
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table
of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger
and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -
Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of
mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want
a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best
feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!




Condoms and Rednecks
2 rednecks are talking...
"Yo, how do you protect yourself from AIDS?"
"I wear a condom all the time", replies the other.
"Do you ever take it off?"
"Yeah, when I go to the bathroom and during sex!"


The couple visited a sex clinic to complain that their sex life had become a
bore.
Each night, the man would arrive home. His wife would prepare supper. After
supper, they'd watch two hours of television. Immediately afterwards, they would
go to bed. From that point on, every move was routine.
"No wonder," the sex therapist said. "You've made sex monotonous. Stop living on
a schedule. Get into sex whenever you feel like it. Don't wait until bedtime
each night to do it. Do it whenever you get into the mood."
The couple agreed to try the advice. They returned the following week.
"How did things work out?" the sex therapist asked.
The man and his wife were beaming. "It worked! It worked great!!!"
"Tell me about it," said the therapist.
"Well, two nights after we saw you last, we were eating supper when I noticed
that although it was only seven o'clock, I had this huge erection that was
unstoppable. Sweetie pie here was staring at it with longing eyes. So I didn't
wait for any shower or any news broadcast. Instead, I reached out, ripped off
her blouse and bra. Then I tore off her panties. I flung her right onto the
table, spilling all the wine and soup in the process. Then I unzipped and we had
sex like we've never had it before!!"
"That's wonderful!!" said the sex therapist. "I told you it would work if you
did it when the spirit moved you!"
"Only one thing," said the man a little sadly. "They're not ever going to let us
go back to that restaurant."

 

[Whispered_Promises]

This is sick... but funny......
Children's Books That Didn't Make It


> You are Different and That's Bad


> The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables


> Dad's New Wife Robert


> Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share


> Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I can Do It Book


> The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking


> Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her


> Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence


> All Cats Go to Hell


> The Little Sissy Who Snitched


> Some Kittens Can Fly


> That's It--I'm Putting You Up for Adoption


> Grandpa Gets a Casket


> The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator


> Garfields Gets Feline Leukemia


> The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy


> Strangers Have the Best Candy


> Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way


> You Were an Accident


> Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will


> Pop! Goes the Hamster And Other Great Microwave Games


> The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan


> Your Nightmares Are Real


> Where Would You Like to Be Buried?


> Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet Be Friends?


> Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

 

[Whispered_Promises]

Subject: The Genie


While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in a cave and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama though a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

 

[alwaysawake]

Tacky ones...AA

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both can look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their air force.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-2 ... F-16 ... B-52 ... A-10

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: What is the Iraqi air force motto?
A: I came, I saw, Iran.

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
A: Two days.

 

[alwaysawake]

I think 'Baghdad Bob' needs to host SNL!

Actual Quotes From the Iraqi Information Minister
(AKA 'Baghdad Bob')

"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"

"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"

"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"

"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"

"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."

'We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."

"Surrender or be burned in their tanks."

"No I am not scared and neither should you be!"

"We have them surrounded in their tanks"

Britain "is not worth an old shoe."

Of U.S. troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."

"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."

"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire"

"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"

"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion."

"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"

"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."

"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."

"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."

"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"

"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."

"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."

"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."

"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"

"We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium."

"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."

"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them"

"We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked"

"Desperate Americans"

"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."

"Their casualties and bodies are many."

[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"

"Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame Al-Jazeera before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role."

"Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport."

"You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay."

"This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra....Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there."

"By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them....Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled."

"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any longer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."

"Blair...is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."

"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."

"The louts of colonialism."

"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."

"W. Bush, this man is a war criminal, and we will see that he is brought to trial"

"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow [Blair]."

"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans."

"They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65 tanks into center of city. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind."

"They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone."

"Iraqi fighters in Umm Qasr are giving the hordes of American and Brtish mercenaries the taste of definite death. We have drawn them into a quagmire and they will never get out of it."

"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."

"Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds. ... The battle is very fierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues."

"Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them."

"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"

When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves"

About Bush: "the leader of the international criminal gang of bastards."

About Bush and Rumsfeld: "Those only deserve to be hit with shoes."

 

[carrie-on]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY There is a new study out about women and how they
feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting. 85% of
women think their ass is too big... 10% of women think their ass is too
little... The other 5% say that they don't care -they love him and would
have married him anyway

 

[carrie-on]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 4", hard bodied, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say,
"Oh My God......"

 

[NightMoves]

ON GIANT FART TO THRUST THIS THREAD UP TO THE TOP!!!! Here They Are Click For Sound!

 

[Crimson Wolf]

Bump

Some wonderful jokes... thought I'd throw in a couple! Just hope I don't offend too many people, I'm bound to though.

I found out I was god the other day when I was in the bedroom praying and realised I was talking to myself.


What's the difference between priests and acne?
Acne doesn't tend to come on your face until your thirteen.

Did you know that the vagina is the best rehabillitation centre in the world? I mean, even the most violent and hardest prick comes out humble, soft and reduced in size!