Some Jokes To Make Ya Smile

[NightMoves]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with his mother. He gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

Little Johnny quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, Little Johnny grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out on the sofa, she says, "you know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there."

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth there."

"Yes there are," he says, "my mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists.

"Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No, I'm sorry," he says. "I don't have to look because my mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for Goodness sake!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

Little Johnny takes a good long look, then replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised."

 

[sueanninct]

Thanks for the jokes, everyone. Definitely needed a laugh today.

 

[prettygrneyes]

Stumpy and Martha...

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[NightMoves]

Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup from her thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'
The voice answered, 'NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.'

 

[NightMoves]

Bumper Stickers For Women

Bumper Stickers For Women:

~*~ A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

~*~ BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

~*~ OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

~*~ I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

~*~ SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

~*~ COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

~*~ DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

~*~ I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

~*~ WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

~*~ ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

~*~ I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

~*~ OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
And that old but fabulous:

~*~ GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

. . . . . . . . . . . And last but not least:

~*~ IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

 

[NightMoves]

The Fucking Jew

A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respect- ful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the fucking Jew."

 

[NightMoves]

Aliens Encounter Earthling

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling! Take me to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain:

"Report." "I contacted an earthling - he would not cooperate."

"Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself."

"Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble."
The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump.

"Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader."

The gas pump remained unresponsive.
"Very well." The captain drew his blaster.

"If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. ..... One. Two. Three!" ZZZZZT!

WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over tea kettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him.

"Quickly! Make ready to depart!"

"Yes sir. What happened sir?"

"I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully."

"Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."

"How did you know that there would be trouble?"

"Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around his feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one mean bastard."

 

[NightMoves]

Embarrassing Moments

Lady Golfer_

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."_

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You_

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a Variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget._

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

Strip Mall_

My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers._

Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA

Curl Up and Die_

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"_

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please!_

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest._

Kathy Newman,_ 46,Winston-Salem, NC
_
Ho, Ho, Ho_

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!_

Name withheld


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter._
Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia

Surprise!_

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the phone ring. I decided to give my girlfriend a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity._ Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again._

Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York

Priceless!_

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,_ scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

[sarahuk4]

Too honest!!!!!...

People can be a little bit TOO honest!


If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something
wrong with you... :-

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random
yet highly personal questions. The person is
also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
verification. If their partner answers those
same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular
game, however, several months ago made the City
of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put
Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to
this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to
the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

 

[sarahuk4]

Falling off ...

Things Just Fallin' Off

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

 

[sarahuk4]

Farmers!!!!

The farmer and his wife were in bed, he was reading brochures about new tractors, she, bored, feeling neglected, wanting sex was trying to keep awake and was flicking through the pages of "farmers weekly" , "well i never" she said, pointedly! " it says here that a good bull can service a cow every day! that's 365 times a year!" , "ah yes," says the farmer, without raising so much as an eyebrow, "but he don't have to shag the same old cow every day does he?"

 

[sarahuk4]

One for the girls !!!!

Whats the difference between divorce and circumcision?

With divorce U get rid of the whole prick!!

 

[sarahuk4]

Freezer food ..

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a
> conversation.
>
> "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
>
> "I froze to death," says the second.
>
> "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to
> freeze to death?"
>
> "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man.
> "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your
> fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to
> go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're
> sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
>
> "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I
> knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up
> at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found
> her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no
> one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second
> floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast
> as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a
> massive heart attack and died."
>
> The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he
> says.
>
> "What do you mean?" asks the first man.
>
> "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd
> both still be alive."
>
>

 

[Native Alien]

we all need more of these please...

something to make us smile is important in these trying times.

 

[Curious_Fem]

Three Little Words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20---on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied: You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully whispered......

Clean my house.



Good morning everyone, hope you have the best of days!

 

[whislebriches]

Hello all!

Just saw your thread NightMoves! Wanted to stop in and say hi! What a good idea too! Now I know where to come when I need a smile! Thanks!

 

[Curious_Fem]

Re: One for the girls !!!!

Whats the difference between divorce and circumcision?

With divorce U get rid of the whole prick!!

Hahahahaha!!!!!! Very cute sarah!!!

 

[Native Alien]

i like that one sarah...

 

[1sexylady]

HERES YOUR SIGN....

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."_

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a Ridgeways truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey,_ you moving?"_ "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."_

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big string of whiting and this idiot on the ramp goes,__ "Hey, you catch all them fish?"_ "Nope. Talked 'em into getting in the boat with me. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.__ "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."_

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my car into a gas station. The
attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and
those_other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house; he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Shit, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could
have stopped him._

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok...no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"_ I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge ... here's your sign."_

I stayed late at work one night and a coworker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."_

NOW I KNOW A FEW LIT PEOPLE WHO NEED A SIGN...

 

[tonitits]

HERES YOUR SIGN....

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."_

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a Ridgeways truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey,_ you moving?"_ "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."_

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big string of whiting and this idiot on the ramp goes,__ "Hey, you catch all them fish?"_ "Nope. Talked 'em into getting in the boat with me. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.__ "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."_

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my car into a gas station. The
attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and
those_other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house; he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Shit, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could
have stopped him._

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok...no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"_ I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge ... here's your sign."_

I stayed late at work one night and a coworker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."_

NOW I KNOW A FEW LIT PEOPLE WHO NEED A SIGN...

Here is a joke that was emailed to me. I did not write it and I like blondes so don't get made at me!

Blondes in Heaven

Two blondes are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are
comparing
Stories on how they had died.
First blonde: "I froze to death."
Second blonde: "Froze to death ... how horrible!"
First blonde: "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?"
Second blonde: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."
First blonde: "So what happened?"
Second blonde: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, That I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
First blonde: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ... we'd both still be alive."

 

[alwaysawake]

Here's one that came from a friend in Jersey--AA

This is why lots of guys have two dogs and not two wives.........

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

[tonitits]

MEN JUST CAN'T WIN
------------------------------------------------
-If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
-If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
-If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
-If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism,
-If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
-If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
-If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
-If you cry, you're a wimp.
-If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
-If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a
chauvinist.
-If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she's a liberated woman.
-If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
-If you don't, you're a slob.
-If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
-If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
-If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
-If you don't, you're not ambitious.
-If she has a headache, she's tired.
-If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

 

[alwaysawake]

This one is actually true!

Just remember, when you have an "I hate my job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-Tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

 

[tonitits]

These are from George Carlin:

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 a piece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

[alwaysawake]

I'll quit after this one...

Terminology between man and woman

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I
feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of
the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and
planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A
Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."