Some Jokes To Make Ya Smile

[sarahuk4]

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

The nurses went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined: no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked."

 

[alwaysawake]

I loved this one...it was a r/l story from what I hear--AA

Anger Management


For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone--don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man
answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with
Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I
couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an
asshole!" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word
'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and
said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just
calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He
yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the grocery-store, getting ready to pull into
a parking spot. Some kid in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I
had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen,"he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1: "Hello"

"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my
black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.

"Hello Asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are.."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now." Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw
two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six
squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel better...

 

[tonitits]

This was sent to me. I thought ya'll might like it.


A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim
exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replies, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's
shortening!"

 

[alwaysawake]

Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were lost in the conflagration. More poignantly, the President, due to his hectic schedule, had not found time to color in the second one.

 

[alwaysawake]

And one more...

Moses and Bush

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush...... I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

 

[tonitits]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much
he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and then once he's out in the open, the Marines could blow him away!"

 

[alwaysawake]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband-"It's three o'clock in the
morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't-it's three in the morning and raining out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello-are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.

 

[Arden]

Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were lost in the conflagration. More poignantly, the President, due to his hectic schedule, had not found time to color in the second one.

I like this one!

Thanks for the giggles, AA & Toni!

 

[tonitits]

Future Quotes from Grandparents


"Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels of
mind-numbing crap to watch!"

"You call that *dancing*? Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring
that 'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL
dancing."

"Stop laughing! Canada really used to be a separate country!"

"When I was your age, we didn't have surgically implanted
telepathy microchips! When we wanted to talk to our
friends, we had to use a CELL PHONE!"

"Senility, my ass! I'm telling you President Hasselhoff used
to have a talking car!"

"When I was your age, we didn't admire the grace and beauty
of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank! No, sirree.
We *ate* the bastards -- right out of the can!"

"In my day, Ozzy was scary and Anna Nicole was sexy."

"Back in the day, we couldn't get sex whenever we wanted from
perfectly lifelike robots. 'The day' sucked, to be honest."

"When I was your age, we could only pee in one color --
and that was plenty!"

"We didn't have rap music. If someone talked while the
music was playing, we beat the snot out of 'em."

"You kids today will never know the warm feeling a fully
soaked adult undergarment will give you."

"When I was your age, there wasn't any Internet. I had to
walk barefoot in the snow to the Quicky Mart and sneak my
porn home in brown paper bags the way God intended."

"Your generation doesn't understand the importance of
supporting your president. Just you wait and see, President
Bush will get that bastard Saddam Hussein -- even if her
father and grandfather couldn't."

"Did I ever tell you about the time I got my pole waxed in
the Oval Office, Bill Jr.?"

"You kids have it so easy today! I made the trip every day.
10 miles, uphill, in the snow -- in an old-fashioned
2004 Lincoln Navigator."

"Aliens from another galaxy -- big deal! When I was young,
we had Michael Jackson!"

 

[tonitits]

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you."
I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape,
so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Whew!
What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!

 

[tonitits]

Another exercise program

Here's an exercise program I am endeavoring to stay in shape for the new year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.

**WARNING - THIS EXERCISE MAY BE TOO STRENUOUS FOR SOME PEOPLE. ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.**

NOW SCROLL DOWN...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

NOW SCROLL UP... Feel the burn?

 

[alwaysawake]

Three Ducks in a Bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the Bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try make some conversation.

"What's your name?" he says to the first duck. "Huey," said the duck. "How's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. Don't ask about my damn day!"

 

[tonitits]

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a
bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...gonna be a bear!

 

[tonitits]

The End of the Rope

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off; otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

 

[tonitits]

Oil Shortage
> >There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
> >shortage here in theUSA. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody
> >bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
> >
> >The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Alaska,
> >Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc.
> >
> >All the dipsticks are in Washington , D.C.

 

[carrie-on]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

 

[carrie-on]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. So,
how is everything going?" inquired God. It is all so beautiful, God,"
she replied. "The sun rises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells,
the sights -- everything is wonderful."

But I have just this one problem. It is these three
breasts that you have given me.

The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly
knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging
them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body
(such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she
felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced", as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first
shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so
'I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that
you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed
it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"

Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on
your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe
has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a
mate except me." I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are
right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate
and I will immediately create a man from a part of you....Now
let's see..''.Where did I put that useless boob?".

 

[carrie-on]

A pregnant woman with triplets was walking down the street, when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.Luckily the babies are okay! The surgeon decides to leave bullets in because it was too risky to operate... The woman had two healthy girls and a healthy son.

All went fine for 16 years, until one day, one of the daughter busted in her room in tears. "What's wrong?", asks the mother. "I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out.", replied the daughter. The mother tells her that its okay, and explain to her what happened sixteen years ago.

A week later, the second daughter runs into her room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her daughter not to worry and explains what happened sixteen years ago.

A week later, her son came into her room in tears."Its okay!", says the Mom. "I know what happened,...you were taking a pee, and a bullet came out."
"No.", says the boy. "I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog.

 

[carrie-on]

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh!
Immediately he turned ninety!!! Ya gotta love that fairy!

 

[carrie-on]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.


"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,.... "Those little bastards."

 

[carrie-on]

A guy is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here,try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow,these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."

 

[carrie-on]

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the! staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

[carrie-on]

OK I'm done someone else's turn now...I have to go to work!

 

[NightMoves]

Sex Therapy

Bob and his wife Laura are having marital problems and decide to see sex therapist for help.

The first thing the therapist says is "Drop your pants. Let's have a look".
The couple does as they're told and therapist looks them up and down. After a careful
examination
of them both he says "OK. I can help get that spark back in your marriage. Here's what you do:
On
your way home stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of grapes and a box of doughnuts. When you
get home, take off all of your clothes and sit on the floor across the room from each other and
facing each other. Now, Bob, you take the grapes, roll them across the floor one by one and try
to
get one in your wife's vagina. When you get one in, crawl along the floor to her and retrieve
the
grape with your tongue. Laura, you take the doughnuts and play "ring-toss" with Bob. When you
get
one over his penis, crawl along the floor and slowly eat the doughnut. When you're done that,
you'll have that spark you thought you'd lost."

Bob and Laura go home and try this therapy. To their surprise they have the best sex they've had
in years!


The next day Bob's friend Tom confides in him that he and his wife are having marital problems.

Immediately Bob speaks up and says "Tom, you have to go to this therapist.
Guaranteed he can help you! He helped Laura and me."

So Tom takes his wife and goes to see the therapist. The first thing the therapist says is "Ok.
Drop your pants. Let's have a look at you both." Tom and his wife do as they're told and the
therapist looks them up and down. The therapist frowns and says "I'm sorry but there's nothing I
can do for you."

"What?" yells Tom. "But my friend said that you could help us...guaranteed! Isn't there anything
you can do for us?"

"Well," says the therapist, "Ok. Here's what you do. On your way home, stop at the grocery store
and pick up a bag of grapefruit and a box of Cheerios..."

 

[STUDDOG]

A cocky 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual
checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling and the 86-year-old
says, "I've never
felt better. I now have a 23 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my second
child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then
begins. "I have a
75 year old friend, much like yourself, who is an avid
trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out
hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting
beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?"
The 86-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the
bullets into that
beaver."
The doctor replied... "My point exactly."




How To Wash The Cat !
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as
his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash
and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there
are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG





health tips
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table
of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger
and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -
Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of
mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want
a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best
feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!