NightMoves
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2003
- Posts
- 317
Well, as I told my dear friend PGE last night, I like to be silly and goofy and joke around and just have fun. So I present this thread, as exhibit one of me doing JUST THAT! 
Little Johnny!!!
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".
A Belch is but a gust of wind That cometh from the Heart, But should it take a downward trend,
Turneth into a Fart
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS
Did you hear about the old guy who went to the retirement home?
His kids had the old man in a rest home that was the best money could buy. He even had a pair of orderlies who stood by his side 24 hours a day.
The kids came to visit him and noticed that the oldster would lean to the left and the orderly on that side would straighten him up. When he leaned to the right, that orderly straightened him up.
This went on throughout their visit.
In the course of the conversation, his son asked him how he liked the home.
'The home is fine' said Dad, 'but it is these two lummoxes that give me trouble'.
'How so?' asked the son.
'How so? Every time I lean over to fart, they won't let me!'
TECHNO PRISONERS
Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and
American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb.
The American says, 'What are you doing?'
The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.'
The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart.
The Japanese man looks over at him.
'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.'
QUICKIES
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."
"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife, "let's swap positions tonight."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
A MAN WITH A PASSION
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
SILENT BUT DEADLY
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
FROM HERE TO MATERNITY
A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".
EGGS OVER EASY?
A gentleman walked into a diner and says to the waitress, "I'll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps."
This confused the waitress, but she wrote it down and went to check with the cook.
The cook replies, "That is just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs overeasy and a stack of four pancakes.
The waitress says, "I'll fix him!" and serves him a bowl of beans.
"Hey, this aint what I ordered," he bellows.
"Well, I thought while you were waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up"
MEDICAL SHOCK
A Ballerina goes to the Doctor,
"Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I fart" she cries.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible"
The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... Farts loudly.
"Thats amazing, do it again,"
Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart
"Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I may be able to help" he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end.
The ballerina starts back in alarm, "What the ~&%$*? are you going to do with that?" she asks,
"Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!"
Little Johnny!!!
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".
A Belch is but a gust of wind That cometh from the Heart, But should it take a downward trend,
Turneth into a Fart
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS
Did you hear about the old guy who went to the retirement home?
His kids had the old man in a rest home that was the best money could buy. He even had a pair of orderlies who stood by his side 24 hours a day.
The kids came to visit him and noticed that the oldster would lean to the left and the orderly on that side would straighten him up. When he leaned to the right, that orderly straightened him up.
This went on throughout their visit.
In the course of the conversation, his son asked him how he liked the home.
'The home is fine' said Dad, 'but it is these two lummoxes that give me trouble'.
'How so?' asked the son.
'How so? Every time I lean over to fart, they won't let me!'
TECHNO PRISONERS
Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and
American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb.
The American says, 'What are you doing?'
The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.'
The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart.
The Japanese man looks over at him.
'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.'
QUICKIES
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."
"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife, "let's swap positions tonight."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
A MAN WITH A PASSION
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
SILENT BUT DEADLY
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
FROM HERE TO MATERNITY
A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".
EGGS OVER EASY?
A gentleman walked into a diner and says to the waitress, "I'll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps."
This confused the waitress, but she wrote it down and went to check with the cook.
The cook replies, "That is just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs overeasy and a stack of four pancakes.
The waitress says, "I'll fix him!" and serves him a bowl of beans.
"Hey, this aint what I ordered," he bellows.
"Well, I thought while you were waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up"
MEDICAL SHOCK
A Ballerina goes to the Doctor,
"Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I fart" she cries.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible"
The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... Farts loudly.
"Thats amazing, do it again,"
Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart
"Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I may be able to help" he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end.
The ballerina starts back in alarm, "What the ~&%$*? are you going to do with that?" she asks,
"Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!"
