Should men expect monogamy from women?

[Helpme01]

It should always be expected unless both have agreed on not.

 

[Helpme01]

Yes and no. I think in general sex needs to be discussed way more between couples and partners as an open topic. I think most people here would agree it can be a huge issue when things don't align between two people sexually as much as any other believe and value. Simply taking the time to answer some questions honestly and openly can let you know so much about someone when it comes to sex and from there you can decide how things are going to go moving forward or not such as monogamy.

You are 100% correct I would add that it has to be revisited as the relationship goes through its ups and downs and when one of their sex drive drastically lowers.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I think, yes.
I was very promiscuous prior to my marriage. Maybe it was society, maybe it was that I loved him so much... But I did not have any affairs when I was married for 12 years.
(When we separated, I went back to my old ways)
He wasnt great at providing financially, but I felt it my choice to stay committed, despite other hardships.

 

[VamPal1]

I appreciate men who are monogamous.

 

[EasyBrad59]

Every couple should communicate with each other about being monogamous. Both should be on board from the beginning as to the parameters of the relationship, whether monogamous or ENM. Dishonesty is the worst.

 

[saintcero]

I expected monogamy but I didn’t get it. It hurt initially but I am past that now, for the most part.

 

[SmokingFap]

I think this question is more nuanced than just expectations. It's also about whether or not we should forgive affairs, cheating and a breakdown in trust in a relationship.

I fundamentally believe humans don't instinctively "mate for life" like other animals. In fact I'm not sure any mammal does. I do think that people are more likely to build a deeper bond with one partner than they can with multiple (due to the time and intimacy it requires to build that deep bond). As for sexually, I think it's a pretty well documented fact that most humans still feel sexual attraction and desires to others outside of their emotional bonds.

I think monogamy became the default due to society being built on religious values, a patriachal hierarchy, and misogyny (men 'owning' the women they're in a relationship with.) Obviously, society has evolved exponentially over the course of history, as has religion and progressive rights, but most religions are still rooted in monogamy and patriarchal beliefs and despite the preachings of a separation of church and state, most cultures still align their moral values to whichever religion the majority of its populace believes in.

When a couple enter a relationship, that relationship defaults to what the couplegrew up to believe a typical relationship is. That includes a set of 'rules' and 'values.'. Loyalty, honesty, compassion etc... it usually takes several discussions between the couple as the relationship grows to then establish what each of those values means to the other and where their boundaries are on those values.

If a couple doesn't establish an open relationship, regardless of human nature, it's fair to expect someone to prioritise that relationship and the boundaries of it. Including being monogamous. It's a sign of loyalty and it shows the person actually cares about the relationship. It's what trust is built on.

It's like a contract, if one person can't trust the other to fulfill their end of the bargain, then nothing in this world could ever have been built, because trust is key to every relationship; whether working, emotional, sexual or platonic.

So to answer the question you asked, yes men should expect monogamy from women unless discussed otherwise, and vice versa.

Theres a million arguments on each side as to whether society has it wrong (and it certainly does in some ways), but that's not important when it comes to a relationship and trust.

But there's also nuance to it, such as the situation with your parents. (My husband and I divorced after he had an affair and broke every boundary of our open relationship so I have a particular emotional investment in this.)

I think it's personal as to whether someone should attempt reconciliation after an affair or someone cheats. I personally did, although my ex-husband eventually chose a new life with his affair partner anyway. But just because I did doesn't mean people automatically should.

Betraying someone's trust is very deep and emotionally complicated. When people do attempt reconciliation, it can take years to get that trust back and for others it never comes back at all so the cheating always weighs on the relationship. Not being willing to give someone that time and effort when they chose to prioritise sex over your relationship is completely understandable. Everyone is allowed to have their limits and deal breakers in a relationship. With cheating as well, there's an added layer of always questioning if you were enough for the other person. It's painful.

On the other hand, I think a minority of men forgive less easily than women because they hold deeper misogynistic values about women and sex.

Forgiveness is personal and shouldn't be forced, even when there's kids involved. I know a lot of women do try to reconcile because they consider the affect a divorce would have on the kids and their image but in my opinion it's better to be happy and raise your family single than miserable and in a nuclear family.

At first I thought this post was TL;DR. Then I decided to read the whole thing and I couldn't agree with all of it more.

 

[Islander55]

Personally I do not believe monogamy is natural for humans. While I do believe that one should honor contacts and commitments, in this day and age, it is just too easy to stray. Perhaps we would all be better off if we condone our spouse giving in to temptation or even encourage it. Having sex with someone different once in awhile could relieve the stress and strengthen the marital bond. I think especially for a woman, realizing that you are sexually attractive to another man boosts your confidence and might make you a better lover with your partner.

 

[EasyBrad59]

Personally I do not believe monogamy is natural for humans. While I do believe that one should honor contacts and commitments, in this day and age, it is just too easy to stray. Perhaps we would all be better off if we condone our spouse giving in to temptation or even encourage it. Having sex with someone different once in awhile could relieve the stress and strengthen the marital bond. I think especially for a woman, realizing that you are sexually attractive to another man boosts your confidence and might make you a better lover with your partner.

I love this, Islander

 

[Bobm269]

No
I don't think we're wired for monogamy but along the way society has brainwashed us in believing that we are... and to answer the question...I don't think it's about statistics but the dynamics of the relationship...and how secure he is in the relationship

This!
I agree with this. Expectations on what someone should, or should not do, generally results in people being upset because someone else didn’t do what they wanted/expected them to do. If everyone actually accepted others for who they are and not who they want them to be, there be a lot more life enjoyment and freedom, and not just sexual. Most marriages end up struggling because the men get frustrated when the women isn’t interested in sex. As a woman, feeling that continued expectation is wearing and ick. If someone enjoys chocolate cake or thinks they might like rock climbing you support them having it or trying it. With relationships and sex, our societal expectations is that it is shameful to like something outside of their relationship so lost people don’t even feel safe sharing what may interest them or what they would like to explore.
I agree, I do not think we are created for monogamy. Everyone has had close friends or flirts at work, close friends they share things with, people they look at and desire - per societal norms even that would be considered non-monogamy.
Wow, this touched a chord.
Hey if you find someone that loves monogamy like you do, the more power to you. Treat the well, trust them, respect them, abs allow them to be who they are and you will be rewarded back with the same and more.

 

[LMWM321]

Personally I do not believe monogamy is natural for humans.

I truly believe that in as little as 25 years, having sex outside of one's primary relationship will be viewed as just a normal, healthy activity - one that helps people live longer and healthier and actually HELPS to keep the primary relationship secure by basically decriminalizing what is for so many people, a very normal need.

For that to happen "fidelity" needs to be redefined and that will take at least a generation to achieve. "No sex with others - ever!" needs to evolve into "Sex with someone else is fine, IF..." and what follows will be sensible rules a couple agrees upon that serve to minimize the risk sex with others poses to the primary relationship. For example, having a one-night stand with someone you'll never see again will no longer be considered cheating, but forming attachments and conspiring to grow a relationship with someone other than your spouse will be continue to be considered cheating.

If you think I'm crazy, think of how homosexuality, bi-sexuality, and transgenderism were perceived just 25-30 years ago. Thankfully, we've evolved and come to realize that these are normal, healthy people who are living their lives as authentically and happily as they can.

I think the same will happen with non-monogamy.

 

[EasyBrad59]

This!
I agree with this. Expectations on what someone should, or should not do, generally results in people being upset because someone else didn’t do what they wanted/expected them to do. If everyone actually accepted others for who they are and not who they want them to be, there be a lot more life enjoyment and freedom, and not just sexual. Most marriages end up struggling because the men get frustrated when the women isn’t interested in sex. As a woman, feeling that continued expectation is wearing and ick. If someone enjoys chocolate cake or thinks they might like rock climbing you support them having it or trying it. With relationships and sex, our societal expectations is that it is shameful to like something outside of their relationship so lost people don’t even feel safe sharing what may interest them or what they would like to explore.
I agree, I do not think we are created for monogamy. Everyone has had close friends or flirts at work, close friends they share things with, people they look at and desire - per societal norms even that would be considered non-monogamy.
Wow, this touched a chord.
Hey if you find someone that loves monogamy like you do, the more power to you. Treat the well, trust them, respect them, abs allow them to be who they are and you will be rewarded back with the same and more.

Well said, too!

 

[Soccerfanpen21]

Personally I do not believe monogamy is natural for humans. While I do believe that one should honor contacts and commitments, in this day and age, it is just too easy to stray. Perhaps we would all be better off if we condone our spouse giving in to temptation or even encourage it. Having sex with someone different once in awhile could relieve the stress and strengthen the marital bond. I think especially for a woman, realizing that you are sexually attractive to another man boosts your confidence and might make you a better lover with your partner.

After seeing the mess of my family when my sperm donor/father walked out when I was 5 and I agree that commitments should be honored. I'm not ready to settle down yet with anyone.

Having FWBs is easier if the parameters are set with such friends after honest talks before handing out the benefits.

No one gets hurt.

 

[Islander55]

I love this, Islander

I think this is true or at least it is true for me.

 

[AnomalyLady]

If it is a monogamous relationship and both parties agree, yes.

 

[Islander55]

I truly believe that in as little as 25 years, having sex outside of one's primary relationship will be viewed as just a normal, healthy activity - one that helps people live longer and healthier and actually HELPS to keep the primary relationship secure by basically decriminalizing what is for so many people, a very normal need.

For that to happen "fidelity" needs to be redefined and that will take at least a generation to achieve. "No sex with others - ever!" needs to evolve into "Sex with someone else is fine, IF..." and what follows will be sensible rules a couple agrees upon that serve to minimize the risk sex with others poses to the primary relationship. For example, having a one-night stand with someone you'll never see again will no longer be considered cheating, but forming attachments and conspiring to grow a relationship with someone other than your spouse will be continue to be considered cheating.

If you think I'm crazy, think of how homosexuality, bi-sexuality, and transgenderism were perceived just 25-30 years ago. Thankfully, we've evolved and come to realize that these are normal, healthy people who are living their lives as authentically and happily as they can.

I think the same will happen with non-monogamy.

I agree with you. This monogamy thing is mostly about men owning their wives.

 

[Islander55]

After seeing the mess of my family when my sperm donor/father walked out when I was 5 and I agree that commitments should be honored. I'm not ready to settle down yet with anyone.

Having FWBs is easier if the parameters are set with such friends after honest talks before handing out the benefits.

No one gets hurt.

Setting parameters and boundaries is always the way to go.

 

[Soccerfanpen21]

Setting parameters and boundaries is always the way to go.

It's also wise to have more mature friends with the wisdom and experience to have these talks and understand the reasons for boundaries.

 

[Islander55]

It's also wise to have more mature friends with the wisdom and experience to have these talks and understand the reasons for boundaries.

You are absolutely right, I certainly would not want to embark on an intimate relationship unless the other person showed reasonable maturity

 

[Mittering]

Not powerless, but one can understand. Could you imagine how it must be for guys who are adored as much as the average woman? Kinda hard for Keanu Reeve types to stick with one woman. He could bed a different woman every hour of the day if he wanted.

The average woman, without the fame, looks, or money could do the same with guys. It makes sense to not do that takes far more willpower.

I would suggest that if was about willpower then maybe they weren't ready for a relationship or a relationship with that person.

 

[LMWM321]

Those contemplating opening their marriage to non-monogamy need to consider this...

It will be WAY easier for a woman to find guys interested in NSA sex than for a man to find women who are interested. ..LIke, WAAYYY easier. And because there are so many willing guys, she may be hooking up with men who are way more attractive than you. So, be aware.

Our sex therapist told us about a 40-something couple who - mainly because the guy wanted to do so - agreed to allow each other to have sex with others. Within the first month, she had sex with 5 different guys while he didn't have a single hookup. And the therapist described the guy as reasonably attractive and appealing. Not surprisingly, their "new" arrangement was now a friction point for them.

So, be sure you don't expect the hookup count to be anywhere near equal before embarking on this...

 

[oconnor1111]

Those contemplating opening their marriage to non-monogamy need to consider this...

It will be WAY easier for a woman to find a guy interested in an NSA hookup than for a man to find a woman. ..LIke WAAYYY easier. Our sex therapist told us about a 40-something couple who decided to do allow each other to have sex with others and she had 5 hookups within their first month while he had not had a single one. ..And she described the guy as attractive and appealing.

So be sure you don't have some equity expectation before going into this...

my wife would love it lol

 

[lifeis2short2b]

As long as it's a two way street

 

[LMWM321]

As long as it's a two way street

Even if what's agreed upon is a 2-way street, what will end up happening may not be. ..That's all I'm saying.

 

[lc69hunter]

Communication is key. I have never considered monogamy as a standalone issue. It comes down to the emotional bond between the spouses. Physical "cheating", ie random hookup is one thing. Emotional cheating is totally different. One is a threat to the relationship, and one is not.

Women step out of the bounds of the marriage for a variety of reasons, some good and some bad, some with husband's knowledge and permission, and some without.
I know. I am a male with a body count of 32, and 14 of those have been with married women. The aftercare with them is so important, about tossing the guilt, and going home to hubby and reigniting the spark in their marriage.

I have always maintained that a random one-off can actually be good for a marriage, so my second wife had a standing hall pass when she was on the road or when opportunity knocked. It recharged her sexual energy, and brought it home to the marital bed.

These are just my thoughts