Should men expect monogamy from women?

[LMWM321]

I certainly wouldn't want to agree to only once per person... any maximum times per year... only while traveling... or limitation on sleeping together.

Do you believe in marriage? ..Do you believe in two people making each other the most important person in their life and promising to do all they can to protect the primacy of their relationship? ..If you do, then I don't believe your version of non-monogamy - which is basically a free-for-all - is tenable, at least not for most people.

For example, if you're having all the sex you want with other people, how to you remain sexually available for your husband?

I don't mind the idea of my wife having sex with other men, but if it's happening so much that when I ask for sex and she says, "Sorry, honey.... but I'm worn out from having sex with two co-workers this week.." Then I think the marriage is being negatively impacted..

 

[LMWM321]

I certainly wouldn't want to agree to only once per person... any maximum times per year... only while traveling... or limitation on sleeping together.

Those aren't my rules (for my wife) either, but I certainly can see them existing for other couples.

The alternative to having rules is NO rules and, for some, that is going too far. For example, most people don't want family and friends seeing their husband or wife making out with another person at a local bar or having a quiet romantic dinner at a local restaurant.. Or their young children seeing mom hugging and kissing a man who "isn't Daddy" at the community pool... That could be quite disorienting for children. I totally get that. So "do it while traveling so it won't be seen by family and friends" is a very sensible rule for some.

 

[GoodnessO]

I can agree with "be discreet". I forgot about that as a possible rule. Even though we have no children, & don't have family in town to easily run into... I automatically put discreet on myself. Mostly discreet, that is. I'm not making out at our familiar neighborhood bars.

 

[tristantrotsky]

Should anybody expect monogamy from anybody?

Such expectations are rarely realised.
Simpler to just enjoy each other.

 

[fitguy930]

I can agree with "be discreet". I forgot about that as a possible rule. Even though we have no children, & don't have family in town to easily run into... I automatically put discreet on myself. Mostly discreet, that is. I'm not making out at our familiar neighborhood bars.

Love this thread and your comments!

 

[muycurioso]

There is no single person who can fill every need another person has.

You can choose to be monogamous and always be deprived.
You can choose to cheat.
You can choose to enter into an ethically non-monogamous relationship.

I chose monogamy for over 30 years. When my ex had a 22 yr old female friend, who he spent more time with than he did me, situations changed over time.

He cheated emotionally had an intimate relationship.
I cheated physically. Pure intimacy.

Ethically non-monogamous was my suggestion.

my ex had an emo affair. I would have not been as bummed out if she had a sex affair. I pretty much told her she could have some fun on the side. I just said don't humiliate or embarrass me and keep it secret (she can tell me). I thing she was to busy yelling at me to even hear it.

 

[Representingmyhotwife]

I can’t speak for other couples, but in our case, we were completely monogamous at first. Over time, we chose to explore and understand each other more deeply. It’s not that we’re no longer monogamous — we still value and practice it — and we’re absolutely in love with one another. That love includes accepting all parts of each other. She embraces my interest in voyeurism, and I accept her strong attraction to older men. So, from time to time, we do explore these aspects a little, but we always set boundaries and stop if it feels like too much. Despite this, our love and respect for each other remain unwavering, and I would never betray her trust.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

my ex had an emo affair. I would have not been as bummed out if she had a sex affair. I pretty much told her she could have some fun on the side. I just said don't humiliate or embarrass me and keep it secret (she can tell me). I thing she was to busy yelling at me to even hear it.

My ex couldn't admit to his emo affair.
When I didn't like something he did or time he spent, he would use phrases like "I just wanted to make her happy" "she deserves to have something good".
For her birthday, he got her a gift card to a higher end makeup store. He said "she ran out of Mink eyelashes, and had to run to CVS to get some. She shouldn't have to wear drug store eyelashes." I had never been to that makeup store and all my makeup came from the same CVS she ran to.

But I also questioned a physical affair.
I caught him looking down her top. She was bending over repeatedly, pulling her shirt up as she stood.
Admittedly, she had on a sports bra, but he told her "either stop fiddling or take off the shirt. It's not like I haven't seen it already."

She was 22, he was 54 at the time.

 

[LMWM321]

So a woman’s value is measured by how well she keeps her legs closed and only lets the right ones in. The town mattress that everyone’s already had is worthless, and no decent man who knows her past wants to marry her.

Hard to read beyond this, sorry.

And I suggest you edit it for concision. This isn’t a podcast.

 

[Nellie60]

First of all, there’s a fundamental difference between men and women:

To be a stud that many women desire, a man needs a lot of skill and charm, plus biological traits that you either have or you don’t—like height, a deep voice, etc. So it’s relatively hard for the average man to sleep with a lot of women.

To be a slut, on the other hand, takes absolutely nothing. There are tons of men out there who just want to have sex without any standards, so an average woman can pick and choose who she sleeps with.

A lot of men are such pathetic simps, they line up just to have sex. It costs women absolutely no effort to find a man for a one-night stand.

In any bar in the world, a woman can sit down at the counter and if she wants, she’ll find at least one—more likely several—guys who want to spend the night with her within minutes, even if she’s below average looking.

The reverse, though, is not true. Even if a man is objectively good looking, has a solid job, and is intelligent—it still takes way more for him to get laid than it does for a woman to find someone willing to sleep with her.

That’s why there’s this fundamental difference: men who seduce many women are respected, because it takes skill and effort, while women who do the same are shamed as sluts—because for them, it’s no challenge at all.

So a woman’s value is measured by how well she keeps her legs closed and only lets the right ones in. The town mattress that everyone’s already had is worthless, and no decent man who knows her past wants to marry her. A woman with a reputation as a slut will significantly ruin her chances of being married by a decent man or finding a man who is willing to commit long-term to her.
Women may be the gatekeepers of sex, but men are the gatekeepers of marriage and commitment.

I’m just stating how it is and why it is that way.

Now back to your initial statement:
The fact that you seriously judge your father for leaving your mother after she made a series of terrible life decisions with zero accountability... I wonder if this is real.

Your father did the right thing by leaving your cheating mother, even with kids involved.
He preserved his dignity by walking away—especially after your mother showed she wasn’t worthy of him by sleeping with an alcoholic, then marrying that individual and dragging him into her children’s lives.

From what you describe, your mother clearly didn’t have good judgment when it came to partners—neither with the affair nor after. Your unstable childhood, with little security and a string of replacement daddies, is entirely your mother’s doing, not your biological father’s.

The crazy part is that you deny women the ability to be faithful, yet it’s clear that everyone is responsible for their own life choices—and your mother made a lot of bad ones.

Maybe you should take a more critical look at your mother instead of defending her completely. I don’t know your father, or why things didn’t work out between him and your mother—after all, you haven’t told us anything about that.

But I can only judge based on what you say, not what you’re withholding from us. And what you’ve written makes your mother look really bad, not your father, objectively speaking.

Anyway you can criticize monogamy, sure—but open relationships very often don’t work either. They fall apart due to suppressed jealousy and emotional pain, especially when your partner is having intimate experiences with someone else. There’s always one person in polyamorous relationships who suffers more, creating an imbalance, which eventually becomes insufferable. That’s not necessarily the happier or more stable lifestyle and most normal people won't tolerate that.

For some, one model works, and for others, it’s the opposite.

But it’s wrong to say monogamy is forced upon us. It became the norm because it’s the model of living that best supports stable child-rearing. Monogamous relationships contribute to a more stable society—that’s why our ancestors chose to establish this lifestyle as the standard.

That kind of stability usually doesn’t work reliably in patchwork or polyamorous situations. Although it can, but that's more the exception of the rule.

Despite high divorce rates in the West, there are still plenty of examples of monogamous relationships that work—couples who grow old together and live happily. You just have to choose very carefully who you want to spend your life with.

And that’s exactly where the problem lies. A lot of people make miserable, immature choices and end up with the completely wrong partner. You can’t blame monogamy for that.
So yes, in general, both partners in a marriage should be able to expect fidelity—unless something else has been mutually agreed upon. The one who breaks that promise should be held accountable, not the one who chooses to walk away after being betrayed.

By the way, there’s a very interesting study on the happiness of women. It can be said that Western women today are largely legally equal, have all the freedoms, participate in the workforce, can choose a lifestyle without men, and so on. And yet, modern women today are far unhappier than women in earlier times. Apparently, feminism, sexual liberation, being part of the workforce and many other modern freedoms are not the key to happiness for many women...

It is very long...but well written and you have broken in down with clear reasoning.

In the end of the day the majority of men would not like the thought of their spouse being intimate with another man yet alone being sexually engaging with that person.

However a small minority and guys here on Lit actually thrive on that idea but the key here is consent and trust. You may like the thought of her having an affair but may not like the idea of her keeping it to herself. So consent if you aware of what is happening otherwise its hard fir mist to remain together.

I have had two former girlfriends have affairs on me. At those moments I was tormented with jealous and anger. But I would be lying if by my own admission I was turned on particularly now that time has passed. The majority won't be so accepting.

 

[Nellie60]

It is very long...but well written and you have broken in down with clear reasoning.

In the end of the day the majority of men would not like the thought of their spouse being intimate with another man yet alone being sexually engaging with that person.

However a small minority and guys here on Lit actually thrive on that idea but the key here is consent and trust. You may like the thought of her having an affair but may not like the idea of her keeping it to herself. So consent if you aware of what is happening otherwise its hard fir mist to remain together.

I have had two former girlfriends have affairs on me. At those moments I was tormented with jealous and anger. But I would be lying if by my own admission I was turned on particularly now that time has passed. The majority won't be so accepting.

"I had two former girlfriends have affairs on me. At those moments I was tormented with jealous and anger. But I would be lying if by my own admission I wasn't slightly turned on, particularly now that time has passed. The majority won't be so accepting" Correction!

 

[LMWM321]

That’s why there’s this fundamental difference: men who seduce many women are respected, because it takes skill and effort, while women who do the same are shamed as sluts—because for them, it’s no challenge at all.

So THIS is why a woman who has had 8 sex partners in college is criticized while a man who's had 15, is congratulated? That's ridiculous. And how are these "respected" men seducing all these women? Are they being truthful about their relationship status? ..Are they pretending to be interest in full-fledged relationship? ..Or are they lying their way into so many women's beds?

We live in a male-dominated world (do you doubt that?) where men rationalize having multiple partners ("It's just men doing what comes naturally!") while denigrating women for doing the same. ..Why is this? Well, for one, men want to marry sexually inexperienced women so their own prowess isn't compared to previous lovers.

So a woman’s value is measured by how well she keeps her legs closed and only lets the right ones in. The town mattress that everyone’s already had is worthless, and no decent man who knows her past wants to marry her. A woman with a reputation as a slut will significantly ruin her chances of being married by a decent man or finding a man who is willing to commit long-term to her.
Women may be the gatekeepers of sex, but men are the gatekeepers of marriage and commitment.

This is beyond grotesque. And nowadays, men are NOT the gatekeepers of marriage and commitment. Thankfully, job and income equality are allowing women to enjoy their sexual freedom for as long as they care to be before choosing a life partner. And for some, it won't be until their late 30's. I see this as progress. I don't want my daughters to EVER be financially captive to a husband. ..Today, women can marry for love and only love. ..It's not about hitching your wagon to a guy simply for financial security.

Your father did the right thing by leaving your cheating mother, even with kids involved.
He preserved his dignity by walking away—especially after your mother showed she wasn’t worthy of him by sleeping with an alcoholic, then marrying that individual and dragging him into her children’s lives.

The reasons people cheat are many. My mother never cheated on my father... but she should have. Though my father never cheated, he was awful to my mom. On daily basis my dad made her feel unloved, unappealing, and insignificant beyond raising kids and supporting his career. To outsiders, he looked like a perfect provider; he was handsome, charismatic and smart as hell. So if my mom was ever caught cheating, she alone would have been blamed by everyone around her - except her kids, who knew the truth. And with four kids she was financially captive, so she could not leave him. Plus, he quashed her self-esteem to the point that she couldn’t even imagine holding down a decent job, much less starting a new a career. My mom never cheated - but my siblings and I sure wish she did. Knowing she had someone who made her feel loved and desirable would give me some peace.

As to your claim that women are largely equal and yet are less happy than decades ago. That's bullshit. You seem to ignore the fact that sexual assault, spousal abuse and workplace sexual harassment is STILL an almost exclusively a male-on-female occurrence. So, no.. things are NOT equal. And in case you haven't noticed young men are also far less happy than they used to be. If you don't believe me, ask the parent of a 30 year old son who is still living at home. I know 5 such parents. The truth is YOUNG PEOPLE in general are less happy and the reasons for that are many.

 

[LMWM321]

why men earn admiration and women get shamed for having too many sexual partners

Woman going through a 'hoe phase? ..Becoming dog moms? ..Cat moms? Your whole diatribe sounds like a Christian Ministers sermon to young girls about why they should become Trad wives. You don't kick field goals for the Kansas City Chiefs, by chance?

Look, I'm not disputing that women who don't marry as virgins right out of high school and instead go to college and pursue a career are going to find a smaller pool of possible partners. ..Yes, that is a fact. Duh... But they are also ensuring that they get to experience the same sense of joy and accomplishment from a stimulating career (hopefully) as men AND they are not as likely to be financially stuck if their marriage should fail. ..And many do! ..Nearly 1/2 here in the states. As the father of daughters and uncle of many nieces, I wholeheartedly encouraged them to strive for financial independence. They all did (or are doing so) and most are in happy, healthy committed relationships with kids planned.

And where do you get this idea that woman who have had multiple partners are unable to find husbands because of it? Where do you live, Afghanistan? Likewise, who is holding these "respect" parades for men who do the same? I know a lot of men but I don't know one who gave a rip about how many sexual partners his wife had before he met her. ..My own wife had 5 before we met at 19 and I sure as hell didn't care. I wouldn't have cared if it was 15. And I had zero previous sex partners when we started dating.

Literotica seems like a curious hangout for someone like you - someone with such hostility toward sexually active, single women. I haven't read your stories but I'm guessing there's a lot of slut shaming.

 

[rthnck]

I have a double standard in my own mind. While I am faithful in my own relationships, my view is that men (in general) can easily and without emotion bang one out. It's just sex, a means to an end, one and done. My own interactions with the fairer sex leads me to believe that the emotional facet is not easily separated from the physical act so I see non-monogamy (i.e. cheating) by women in a relationship to be much harder to forgive and more or a betrayal then if the man is cheating. Even I roll my eyes a little bit while I'm typing this but that's how it feels to me. **shrug**

 

[LMWM321]

Again, most of your post is woman-hating nonsense (women with a > 100 sex partners? C'mon..), but I do agree this quote, though I think the trend is overstated.

This isn’t about forcing anyone into a role. It’s about recognizing that some women are choosing it—and choosing it proudly.

But not my daughters, and not my nieces. ...Our daughters were encouraged from a very young age to pursue a career, rather than see marriage and child-rearing as their vocation. No fucking way would I encourage ANY woman to give up her autonomy and independence and risk being financially stuck in a marriage if it doesn't work out. And even if they do manage to divorce, say ten years later, then what?? Without a college degree or work experience their only hope may be in getting an hourly retail or service job. No thanks.

I grew up in a neighborhood of tradwifes. ..My mom and everyone of her friends married right out of high school (which is too goddam young), to a man they had known for only a scant year or so. ..And many, like my Mom, were miserable by the time I had left for college. And to my knowledge ALL of them saw to it that their own daughters went to college and pursued careers. Every damn one of them.

Yeah.. I understand that young men are pissed these days. Their dads only had to compete with other men for good paying jobs but now they also have to compete with young women. ..And since women tend to do better in college, are better at networking, and interviewing, etc. there are a lot young men without jobs who are feeling quite left behind. Hmmm... so maybe THEY should marry, then stay at home to raise kids. Come to think of it, there's five such husbands doing exactly that in my neighborhood.

 

[muycurioso]

My ex couldn't admit to his emo affair.
When I didn't like something he did or time he spent, he would use phrases like "I just wanted to make her happy" "she deserves to have something good".
For her birthday, he got her a gift card to a higher end makeup store. He said "she ran out of Mink eyelashes, and had to run to CVS to get some. She shouldn't have to wear drug store eyelashes." I had never been to that makeup store and all my makeup came from the same CVS she ran to.

But I also questioned a physical affair.
I caught him looking down her top. She was bending over repeatedly, pulling her shirt up as she stood.
Admittedly, she had on a sports bra, but he told her "either stop fiddling or take off the shirt. It's not like I haven't seen it already."

She was 22, he was 54 at the time.

my ex was hooking up the day we decided, well she, to separate for good. She should have listened to some of the things i was saying to her.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

A few years prior, I was sent to the hospital with a dangerously high blood pressure. It turned out to be a panic attack. One year after, same time of year, I called an ambulance. I thought I was having a heart attack.
Nope. Another panic attack.

All this was going on at the same time of the year. 3 yrs later, he said that while I was telling everything was "fine" he should have realized it wasn't. Instead of thinking our family was good and he could give her time, he should have realized I was spiraling.

There is no path to reconciliation.

 

[LMWM321]

There is no path to reconciliation.

Sorry to hear that BBB. Hopefully, you're living a better life now.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Sorry to hear that BBB. Hopefully, you're living a better life now.

Totally their loss.
I have met amazing neighbors who are now friends I call family.
They invite me to holiday meals, I go to church with them - renewing my faith.

I have a few special friends I see 4 to 5 times a year. And one I have been seeing steadily, but casual for 1 yr.

 

[Naughtylo]

My hubby doesnt. X

 

[screwher]

If monogamy was agreed upon at the start of the relationship, then yes. That goes for both men and women.

But there are a variety of different relationships. My marriage evolved in a hotwife relationship. We both enjoy her having sex with other men. But my wife would be crushed if I slept with another woman.

 

[Mike302]

First of all, there’s a fundamental difference between men and women:

To be a stud that many women desire, a man needs a lot of skill and charm, plus biological traits that you either have or you don’t—like height, a deep voice, etc. So it’s relatively hard for the average man to sleep with a lot of women.

To be a slut, on the other hand, takes absolutely nothing. There are tons of men out there who just want to have sex without any standards, so an average woman can pick and choose who she sleeps with.

A lot of men are such pathetic simps, they line up just to have sex. It costs women absolutely no effort to find a man for a one-night stand.

In any bar in the world, a woman can sit down at the counter and if she wants, she’ll find at least one—more likely several—guys who want to spend the night with her within minutes, even if she’s below average looking.

The reverse, though, is not true. Even if a man is objectively good looking, has a solid job, and is intelligent—it still takes way more for him to get laid than it does for a woman to find someone willing to sleep with her.

That’s why there’s this fundamental difference: men who seduce many women are respected, because it takes skill and effort, while women who do the same are shamed as sluts—because for them, it’s no challenge at all.

So a woman’s value is measured by how well she keeps her legs closed and only lets the right ones in. The town mattress that everyone’s already had is worthless, and no decent man who knows her past wants to marry her. A woman with a reputation as a slut will significantly ruin her chances of being married by a decent man or finding a man who is willing to commit long-term to her.
Women may be the gatekeepers of sex, but men are the gatekeepers of marriage and commitment.

I’m just stating how it is and why it is that way.

Now back to your initial statement:
The fact that you seriously judge your father for leaving your mother after she made a series of terrible life decisions with zero accountability... I wonder if this is real.

Your father did the right thing by leaving your cheating mother, even with kids involved.
He preserved his dignity by walking away—especially after your mother showed she wasn’t worthy of him by sleeping with an alcoholic, then marrying that individual and dragging him into her children’s lives.

From what you describe, your mother clearly didn’t have good judgment when it came to partners—neither with the affair nor after. Your unstable childhood, with little security and a string of replacement daddies, is entirely your mother’s doing, not your biological father’s.

The crazy part is that you deny women the ability to be faithful, yet it’s clear that everyone is responsible for their own life choices—and your mother made a lot of bad ones.

Maybe you should take a more critical look at your mother instead of defending her completely. I don’t know your father, or why things didn’t work out between him and your mother—after all, you haven’t told us anything about that.

But I can only judge based on what you say, not what you’re withholding from us. And what you’ve written makes your mother look really bad, not your father, objectively speaking.

Anyway you can criticize monogamy, sure—but open relationships very often don’t work either. They fall apart due to suppressed jealousy and emotional pain, especially when your partner is having intimate experiences with someone else. There’s always one person in polyamorous relationships who suffers more, creating an imbalance, which eventually becomes insufferable. That’s not necessarily the happier or more stable lifestyle and most normal people won't tolerate that.

For some, one model works, and for others, it’s the opposite.

But it’s wrong to say monogamy is forced upon us. It became the norm because it’s the model of living that best supports stable child-rearing. Monogamous relationships contribute to a more stable society—that’s why our ancestors chose to establish this lifestyle as the standard.

That kind of stability usually doesn’t work reliably in patchwork or polyamorous situations. Although it can, but that's more the exception of the rule.

Despite high divorce rates in the West, there are still plenty of examples of monogamous relationships that work—couples who grow old together and live happily. You just have to choose very carefully who you want to spend your life with.

And that’s exactly where the problem lies. A lot of people make miserable, immature choices and end up with the completely wrong partner. You can’t blame monogamy for that.
So yes, in general, both partners in a marriage should be able to expect fidelity—unless something else has been mutually agreed upon. The one who breaks that promise should be held accountable, not the one who chooses to walk away after being betrayed.

By the way, there’s a very interesting study on the happiness of women. It can be said that Western women today are largely legally equal, have all the freedoms, participate in the workforce, can choose a lifestyle without men, and so on. And yet, modern women today are far unhappier than women in earlier times. Apparently, feminism, sexual liberation, being part of the workforce and many other modern freedoms are not the key to happiness for many women...

My Dad was a good provider. Mom didn't work. She's said he didn't adore her, praise her, etc. Basically, he was a bit cold, as was his family. Hers was just the opposite. She felt lonely and ignored. I'm sure he felt he was "providing" and that should have been enough. She was providing, too. She took care of two kids as well as him. No days off from that. Eventually another man started paying attention to her and she liked it.

As for husband #2, she started working but had two kids, needed the extra income, security, and a companion. Turned out he was a poor companion and didn't offer security, either. She took care of him, the kids, herself, worked, went to college, and advanced her career. Finally, after putting up with #2 for years and able to financially care for herself, she kicked the functioning drunk out. Soon after she met a family friend and they were married for about 20 years. Good guy. When / where he let her make the decisions, things went well.

Dad remarried too, still is for over 40 years. Good woman. Kinda cold, like him, but they've always seemed very pleased with eachother, hehe.

I hear what you're saying, monogamy can work out or not.

What I witnessed growing up (in aunts and cousins and friends, too) was 95% women running the show, but half the time had to fight with the husband because they refused to be "lead" by a woman. I saw men as sometimes a net gain for the family but with a high cost. Mom probably would have been better off with a woman or her and her sister dropping the husbands and living together with all of us kids in one house. That would have been cool. But I digress.

If Dad had stuck it out with mom, worked on his problems, and worked with her on their problems, they could have stayed together happily. I do not believe she'd have strayed on any of them were she satisfied in the relationship she had. But, that was a long time ago and things were different back then.

Today, I don't see single mother as fools. (Of course, some are!) I see them as victims of men. Men who fail to take care of their kids and / or fail to recognize that despite a government-corporate sponsored patriarchal system women are doing more of the work inside and outside of the house and going their own way. I don't blame women for seeing some men as a friend / housemate / father and others as simply romantic partners. It's hard to get everything you want from one person. Men don't have to accept this. They are free to be single, live with other men, or be the guy hooking up with woman who wants that intimacy / romance.

 

[KimHeart]

The average woman, currently attached or not, turns down sex far more than the average man. They are simply more desired for sex.

Most men have to put quite a bit more effort into getting sex elsewhere, and if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should, it's not hard for him to stay "faithful".

When women give in to man's advances, or purposefully seek it out, the majority of men they are attached to can't deal with it and end the relationship. This results in divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative things.

I wish my Dad would have stayed with my mother and his kids when she had an affair. Moving out of the home, visitations, being a latch-key kid, and all kinds of troubles resulted. She married her affair partner, who turned out to be an alcoholic, so I got to live with that. That led to another affair, divorce, and another marriage. All before I moved out as an adult.

When I consider what I went through and other people I know with similar stories, alot of heartache and struggle would have been prevented if our Dads would have just stayed married and worked on themselves and relationship with their wives than just bailing on the family.

Watching and reading videos and comments / discussions regarding this on YT and such It seems to me men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out. I think the "zero tolerance" many men have for women having sex with anyone but them for their entire lives is ridiculous and unrealistic. The issue is more minimized when there are no children involved.

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

Yes and no. I think in general sex needs to be discussed way more between couples and partners as an open topic. I think most people here would agree it can be a huge issue when things don't align between two people sexually as much as any other believe and value. Simply taking the time to answer some questions honestly and openly can let you know so much about someone when it comes to sex and from there you can decide how things are going to go moving forward or not such as monogamy.

 

[Britva415]

If monogamy was agreed upon at the start of the relationship, then yes.

Some couples never say anything out loud one way or the other about it.

Can they be said to have agreed to monogamy? Can they be said to have not agreed to monogamy?

In my opinion, being nonmonogamous and then saying to your partner that you never promised them monogamy is playing dumb in bad faith. There is no reason to believe that they aren’t going to take “the start of the relationship” as synonymous with “the start of exclusivity.”

It may be true that it happens that they don’t, but, if they don’t say it, then one has to assume a conventional expectation of what “fidelity” means. To do otherwise is a real mistake at best, and abusive and dishonest at worst.

It’s fine for people to be nonmonogamous. But nobody can just expect that without talking about it.

 

[LMWM321]

Are there really that many couples out there who haven’t discussed whether or not they are sexually exclusive?

It’s hard to imagine that not coming up after the first or second time they have had sex.