Should men expect monogamy from women?

[tristantrotsky]

I do not think monogamy is natural to most people, men or women. You can suppress your desires for variety but I do not think that is healthy.

We only get to ride this carousel of life once. It's only right to taste everything that living has to offer, as long as it is safe and as long as you are not placing yourself in a hazardous situation where you may come to harm. And absolute gender equal opportunities must be taken for granted.

 

[Saint_Ann]

Rules aren’t made to be broken.
Clearly it happens but that’s not the rationale behind them.

You must be a sheeple.

 

[stxjimmy]

You must be a sheeple.

How so Einstein?

 

[Saint_Ann]

How so Einstein?

I bet you color 'within the lines.'

 

[stxjimmy]

I bet you color 'within the lines.'

“Rules aren’t made to be broken.
Clearly it happens but that’s not the rationale behind them.”
Are you just being spiteful or can you not read?”

 

[Saint_Ann]

“Rules aren’t made to be broken.
Clearly it happens but that’s not the rationale behind them.”
Are you just being spiteful or can you not read?”

Do you break the speed limit?

 

[stxjimmy]

Do you break the speed limit?

It’s like conversing with a gate post.

 

[Saint_Ann]

It’s like conversing with a gate post.

You do that often?

 

[Britva415]

If she hasn’t clearly stated one way or the other then no

If you're quote "in a relationship" unquote, and haven't talked about it, then it is reasonable to presume — to expect — that you're each going to be monogamous with each other. That's what the default presumption is when it is not clearly stated one way or the other. It is totally reasonable to expect it if nobody has talked about it one way or the other.

But it is reasonable for her to express the contrary. You can take it or leave it, if she does, or, you can both be nonmonogamous, if you agree to it. It is not reasonable for her to go out there and be nonmonogamous without talking to you about it. That's just cheating. To say "yeah but I never said I would be monogamous with you" is just deliberately playing dumb. If she never said she wouldn't, that's deceptive.

I'm not one of these guys who think "all nonmonogamy is cheating" or that it is wrong to agree to nonmonogamy. But for anyone (man, woman or otherwise) to expect nonmonogamy without talking about it, that isn't operating in good faith because the conventional default is that your partner is going to expect monogamy. Everyone knows this. If you want something different, you have to say something.

If you don't want monogamy, you aren't wrong to talk to them about an alternative. If they don't like it, they don't owe you a relationship. If they're OK with it, you can have that relationship. But they aren't wrong to expect the monogamy default if that conversation never comes up.

 

[PFWilly]

The average woman, currently attached or not, turns down sex far more than the average man. They are simply more desired for sex.

Most men have to put quite a bit more effort into getting sex elsewhere, and if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should, it's not hard for him to stay "faithful".

When women give in to man's advances, or purposefully seek it out, the majority of men they are attached to can't deal with it and end the relationship. This results in divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative things.

I wish my Dad would have stayed with my mother and his kids when she had an affair. Moving out of the home, visitations, being a latch-key kid, and all kinds of troubles resulted. She married her affair partner, who turned out to be an alcoholic, so I got to live with that. That led to another affair, divorce, and another marriage. All before I moved out as an adult.

When I consider what I went through and other people I know with similar stories, alot of heartache and struggle would have been prevented if our Dads would have just stayed married and worked on themselves and relationship with their wives than just bailing on the family.

Watching and reading videos and comments / discussions regarding this on YT and such It seems to me men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out. I think the "zero tolerance" many men have for women having sex with anyone but them for their entire lives is ridiculous and unrealistic. The issue is more minimized when there are no children involved.

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

Not really.

Expectations are rooted in misogyny and cultural ‘norms’.

 

[Celand]

This is ridiculous, you are ridiculous.

https://i0.wp.com/www.mixedmetaphorsohmy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Dropping-the-mic.jpg?ssl=1

 

[Islander55]

We only get to ride this carousel of life once. It's only right to taste everything that living has to offer, as long as it is safe and as long as you are not placing yourself in a hazardous situation where you may come to harm. And absolute gender equal opportunities must be taken for granted.

I would only add that one should be respectful of their partners wants and needs.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

Well, this certainly has been an interesting read. It's a controversial POV and the discussion has largely stayed civil.

As has been said, good communication is essential and if they truly love each other, it shouldn't be difficult to talk about it.

I'm in the camp of those with the expectation that unless explicitly stated otherwise, there is no sex with other people. I think this is partly because that's what I've been taught growing up. We, as a society, expect our partner to have exclusive sex with us and anyone else we both agree can join in.

After reading this thread, I'm re-examining how important it is to me that my partner be monogamous as long as my own desires are being sated.

 

[Wylie3]

If the lady needs more than you can give, then if in agreement she should be able to play and vise-versa.

 

[LMWM321]

If you don't want monogamy, you aren't wrong to talk to them about an alternative. If they don't like it, they don't owe you a relationship. If they're OK with it, you can have that relationship. But they aren't wrong to expect the monogamy default if that conversation never comes up.

This is true, of course. The only time it wouldn't be is after two single people hookup and one person presumes they are now in a serious (ie., monogamous) relationship while the other thinks, "Um, no..., we just hooked up for a night." This happened all the time in college. So use your words and ask, "Are we in a sexually exclusive relationship?" And if the answer is yes, then both should abide by the agreement. ..Simple enough.

My personal view is that all marriages would benefit from a lonnnnggg period of monogamy - perhaps lasting many years. Then, once the cement of the relationship has fully cured to the point where neither partner could even conceive of a life without the other, then go ahead... begin enjoying NSA sex with others, but with agreed upon rules. Possible rules might include: Only a few times per year; Only once with the same person; Just sex, no sleeping together; Informing partner beforehand; Only when traveling; Only with other married people whose spouse approves, etc.. etc.. Whatever rules each feels will help protect the primary relationship. ..If you stick to 'em, you're being faithful, but if you break them, you're cheating.

 

[Chilllax]

This is true, of course. The only time it wouldn't be is after two single people hookup and one person presumes they are now in a serious (ie., monogamous) relationship while the other thinks, "Um, no..., we just hooked up for a night." This happened all the time in college. So use your words and ask, "Are we in a sexually exclusive relationship?" And if the answer is yes, then both should abide by the agreement. ..Simple enough.

My personal view is that all marriages would benefit from a lonnnnggg period of monogamy - perhaps lasting many years. Then, once the cement of the relationship has fully cured to the point where neither partner could even conceive of a life without the other, then go ahead... begin enjoying NSA sex with others, but with agreed upon rules. Possible rules might include: Only a few times per year; Only once with the same person; Just sex, no sleeping together; Informing partner beforehand; Only when traveling; Only with other married people whose spouse approves, etc.. etc.. Whatever rules each feels will help protect the primary relationship. ..If you stick to 'em, you're being faithful, but if you break them, you're cheating.

In theory it sounds great but when the vagaries of human emotions kick in, all the rules go out the window. People change over time and that's what makes this so complicated. People who thought would be cool with it could end up being very selfish and jealous and vice versa. Just based on my own experiences.
They don't say life is a bitch for nothing

 

[LMWM321]

In theory it sounds great but when the vagaries of human emotions kick in, all the rules go out the window. People change over time and that's what makes this so complicated. People who thought would be cool with it could end up being very selfish and jealous and vice versa. Just based on my own experiences.
They don't say life is a bitch for nothing

Opening a marriage to outside sex is not for everyone and it certainly shouldn't be entered into lightly. But if there is an untenable desire discrepancy within the marriage, show me a better alternative.

Clearly, times are changing. Opening a marriage to extracurricular sex was unthinkable 50 years ago. Nowadays, we probably all have friends who allow it. ..Fast forward another 50 years and it will probably be considered a normal, healthy thing that all (or most) people do to ensure their partner is wringing as much joy as she or he can from their short time on earth. ..But there will be rules and guidelines that we will have learned along the way that help to protect the primary relationship. So I don’t expect it will be a boundry-less free-for-all like the end of the Roman Empire.

 

[DemimondeDenizen]

It is genetics and nature... Males are polygamous across all species, females monogamo

It is genetics and nature... Males are polygamous across all species, females monogamous.

Polygamy is more common for sure but “all” is an overstatement. Check out the term for one female with multiple males; polyandry.

Women in hardscrabble, remote areas of Tibet practiced polyandry by marrying brothers (keeping the population low with one pregnancy at a time to multiple husbands and also keeping land divisions via inheritance to a minimum). About 1% of birds are polyandrous, and many social insects like bees and ants are polyandrous with a queen surrounded by many males.

 

[James2008]

Surely you gest.

Lol he must be

It’s only religion doing the ‘hard wiring’…and that’s a whole other topic.

Two people meet & like each other. And then they discuss and agree what they want and need from each other.it will help of course if both of them are emotionally mature.

Its not rocket science is it…

 

[LMWM321]

It’s only religion doing the ‘hard wiring’…and that’s a whole other topic.

Exactly... Every other species under the sun does exactly what nature instructs them to do - except humans. And while that's generally a good thing as it serves to maintain peace and civility, we take it too far. ..Expecting couples to have sex with only one another for 60 years is such an example.

 

[GoodnessO]

The fact that people are living much longer may also reduce monogamy. Historically it wasn't uncommon for women to die during child birth... giving them much less time to become non-monogamous after marriage.

 

[jehoram]

Should anybody expect monogamy from anybody?

 

[SPARTAN047]

In today's world, no. Just do your thing and sleep around.

If you discuss monogamy, make absolutely sure that she is actually not even hinting at attention from anyone else, and don't do it yourself if she behaves like she wants monogamy.

If not, break all the rules.

 

[GoodnessO]

This is true, of course. The only time it wouldn't be is after two single people hookup and one person presumes they are now in a serious (ie., monogamous) relationship while the other thinks, "Um, no..., we just hooked up for a night." This happened all the time in college. So use your words and ask, "Are we in a sexually exclusive relationship?" And if the answer is yes, then both should abide by the agreement. ..Simple enough.

My personal view is that all marriages would benefit from a lonnnnggg period of monogamy - perhaps lasting many years. Then, once the cement of the relationship has fully cured to the point where neither partner could even conceive of a life without the other, then go ahead... begin enjoying NSA sex with others, but with agreed upon rules. Possible rules might include: Only a few times per year; Only once with the same person; Just sex, no sleeping together; Informing partner beforehand; Only when traveling; Only with other married people whose spouse approves, etc.. etc.. Whatever rules each feels will help protect the primary relationship. ..If you stick to 'em, you're being faithful, but if you break them, you're cheating.

1 of the 1st things men ask about my recently opened marriage: "What are the rules?" And I've replied, "Rules? There are no rules."

 

[GoodnessO]

1 of the 1st things men ask about my recently opened marriage: "What are the rules?" And I've replied, "Rules? There are no rules."

I certainly wouldn't want to agree to only once per person... any maximum times per year... only while traveling... or limitation on sleeping together.