Should men expect monogamy from women?

[Helpme01]

It should always be expected unless both have agreed on not.

 

[Helpme01]

Yes and no. I think in general sex needs to be discussed way more between couples and partners as an open topic. I think most people here would agree it can be a huge issue when things don't align between two people sexually as much as any other believe and value. Simply taking the time to answer some questions honestly and openly can let you know so much about someone when it comes to sex and from there you can decide how things are going to go moving forward or not such as monogamy.

You are 100% correct I would add that it has to be revisited as the relationship goes through its ups and downs and when one of their sex drive drastically lowers.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I think, yes.
I was very promiscuous prior to my marriage. Maybe it was society, maybe it was that I loved him so much... But I did not have any affairs when I was married for 12 years.
(When we separated, I went back to my old ways)
He wasnt great at providing financially, but I felt it my choice to stay committed, despite other hardships.

 

[VamPal1]

I appreciate men who are monogamous.

 

[EasyBrad59]

Every couple should communicate with each other about being monogamous. Both should be on board from the beginning as to the parameters of the relationship, whether monogamous or ENM. Dishonesty is the worst.

 

[saintcero]

I expected monogamy but I didn’t get it. It hurt initially but I am past that now, for the most part.

 

[LipstickBunnyxo]

The average woman, currently attached or not, turns down sex far more than the average man. They are simply more desired for sex.

Most men have to put quite a bit more effort into getting sex elsewhere, and if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should, it's not hard for him to stay "faithful".

When women give in to man's advances, or purposefully seek it out, the majority of men they are attached to can't deal with it and end the relationship. This results in divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative things.

I wish my Dad would have stayed with my mother and his kids when she had an affair. Moving out of the home, visitations, being a latch-key kid, and all kinds of troubles resulted. She married her affair partner, who turned out to be an alcoholic, so I got to live with that. That led to another affair, divorce, and another marriage. All before I moved out as an adult.

When I consider what I went through and other people I know with similar stories, alot of heartache and struggle would have been prevented if our Dads would have just stayed married and worked on themselves and relationship with their wives than just bailing on the family.

Watching and reading videos and comments / discussions regarding this on YT and such It seems to me men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out. I think the "zero tolerance" many men have for women having sex with anyone but them for their entire lives is ridiculous and unrealistic. The issue is more minimized when there are no children involved.

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

I think this question is more nuanced than just expectations. It's also about whether or not we should forgive affairs, cheating and a breakdown in trust in a relationship.

I fundamentally believe humans don't instinctively "mate for life" like other animals. In fact I'm not sure any mammal does. I do think that people are more likely to build a deeper bond with one partner than they can with multiple (due to the time and intimacy it requires to build that deep bond). As for sexually, I think it's a pretty well documented fact that most humans still feel sexual attraction and desires to others outside of their emotional bonds.

I think monogamy became the default due to society being built on religious values, a patriachal hierarchy, and misogyny (men 'owning' the women they're in a relationship with.) Obviously, society has evolved exponentially over the course of history, as has religion and progressive rights, but most religions are still rooted in monogamy and patriarchal beliefs and despite the preachings of a separation of church and state, most cultures still align their moral values to whichever religion the majority of its populace believes in.

When a couple enter a relationship, that relationship defaults to what the couplegrew up to believe a typical relationship is. That includes a set of 'rules' and 'values.'. Loyalty, honesty, compassion etc... it usually takes several discussions between the couple as the relationship grows to then establish what each of those values means to the other and where their boundaries are on those values.

If a couple doesn't establish an open relationship, regardless of human nature, it's fair to expect someone to prioritise that relationship and the boundaries of it. Including being monogamous. It's a sign of loyalty and it shows the person actually cares about the relationship. It's what trust is built on.

It's like a contract, if one person can't trust the other to fulfill their end of the bargain, then nothing in this world could ever have been built, because trust is key to every relationship; whether working, emotional, sexual or platonic.

So to answer the question you asked, yes men should expect monogamy from women unless discussed otherwise, and vice versa.

Theres a million arguments on each side as to whether society has it wrong (and it certainly does in some ways), but that's not important when it comes to a relationship and trust.

But there's also nuance to it, such as the situation with your parents. (My husband and I divorced after he had an affair and broke every boundary of our open relationship so I have a particular emotional investment in this.)

I think it's personal as to whether someone should attempt reconciliation after an affair or someone cheats. I personally did, although my ex-husband eventually chose a new life with his affair partner anyway. But just because I did doesn't mean people automatically should.

Betraying someone's trust is very deep and emotionally complicated. When people do attempt reconciliation, it can take years to get that trust back and for others it never comes back at all so the cheating always weighs on the relationship. Not being willing to give someone that time and effort when they chose to prioritise sex over your relationship is completely understandable. Everyone is allowed to have their limits and deal breakers in a relationship. With cheating as well, there's an added layer of always questioning if you were enough for the other person. It's painful.

On the other hand, I think a minority of men forgive less easily than women because they hold deeper misogynistic values about women and sex.

Forgiveness is personal and shouldn't be forced, even when there's kids involved. I know a lot of women do try to reconcile because they consider the affect a divorce would have on the kids and their image but in my opinion it's better to be happy and raise your family single than miserable and in a nuclear family.

 

[SmokingFap]

I think this question is more nuanced than just expectations. It's also about whether or not we should forgive affairs, cheating and a breakdown in trust in a relationship.

I fundamentally believe humans don't instinctively "mate for life" like other animals. In fact I'm not sure any mammal does. I do think that people are more likely to build a deeper bond with one partner than they can with multiple (due to the time and intimacy it requires to build that deep bond). As for sexually, I think it's a pretty well documented fact that most humans still feel sexual attraction and desires to others outside of their emotional bonds.

I think monogamy became the default due to society being built on religious values, a patriachal hierarchy, and misogyny (men 'owning' the women they're in a relationship with.) Obviously, society has evolved exponentially over the course of history, as has religion and progressive rights, but most religions are still rooted in monogamy and patriarchal beliefs and despite the preachings of a separation of church and state, most cultures still align their moral values to whichever religion the majority of its populace believes in.

When a couple enter a relationship, that relationship defaults to what the couplegrew up to believe a typical relationship is. That includes a set of 'rules' and 'values.'. Loyalty, honesty, compassion etc... it usually takes several discussions between the couple as the relationship grows to then establish what each of those values means to the other and where their boundaries are on those values.

If a couple doesn't establish an open relationship, regardless of human nature, it's fair to expect someone to prioritise that relationship and the boundaries of it. Including being monogamous. It's a sign of loyalty and it shows the person actually cares about the relationship. It's what trust is built on.

It's like a contract, if one person can't trust the other to fulfill their end of the bargain, then nothing in this world could ever have been built, because trust is key to every relationship; whether working, emotional, sexual or platonic.

So to answer the question you asked, yes men should expect monogamy from women unless discussed otherwise, and vice versa.

Theres a million arguments on each side as to whether society has it wrong (and it certainly does in some ways), but that's not important when it comes to a relationship and trust.

But there's also nuance to it, such as the situation with your parents. (My husband and I divorced after he had an affair and broke every boundary of our open relationship so I have a particular emotional investment in this.)

I think it's personal as to whether someone should attempt reconciliation after an affair or someone cheats. I personally did, although my ex-husband eventually chose a new life with his affair partner anyway. But just because I did doesn't mean people automatically should.

Betraying someone's trust is very deep and emotionally complicated. When people do attempt reconciliation, it can take years to get that trust back and for others it never comes back at all so the cheating always weighs on the relationship. Not being willing to give someone that time and effort when they chose to prioritise sex over your relationship is completely understandable. Everyone is allowed to have their limits and deal breakers in a relationship. With cheating as well, there's an added layer of always questioning if you were enough for the other person. It's painful.

On the other hand, I think a minority of men forgive less easily than women because they hold deeper misogynistic values about women and sex.

Forgiveness is personal and shouldn't be forced, even when there's kids involved. I know a lot of women do try to reconcile because they consider the affect a divorce would have on the kids and their image but in my opinion it's better to be happy and raise your family single than miserable and in a nuclear family.

At first I thought this post was TL;DR. Then I decided to read the whole thing and I couldn't agree with all of it more.

 

[Islander55]

Personally I do not believe monogamy is natural for humans. While I do believe that one should honor contacts and commitments, in this day and age, it is just too easy to stray. Perhaps we would all be better off if we condone our spouse giving in to temptation or even encourage it. Having sex with someone different once in awhile could relieve the stress and strengthen the marital bond. I think especially for a woman, realizing that you are sexually attractive to another man boosts your confidence and might make you a better lover with your partner.

 

[EasyBrad59]

Personally I do not believe monogamy is natural for humans. While I do believe that one should honor contacts and commitments, in this day and age, it is just too easy to stray. Perhaps we would all be better off if we condone our spouse giving in to temptation or even encourage it. Having sex with someone different once in awhile could relieve the stress and strengthen the marital bond. I think especially for a woman, realizing that you are sexually attractive to another man boosts your confidence and might make you a better lover with your partner.

I love this, Islander