question about the emotional aspect of D/s relation

[indiandomme]

..

 

[Shadowsdream]

In a true and well balanced D/s relationship the Dominant MUST be capable of knowing when hard and soft must interact.

Dominant does NOT equal BITCH no matter how many web sites will tell You it does...no matter how many subs fantasize that it is so.

To be constantly hard, cruel, bitchy and arrogant would simply become boring to the Dominant very quickly. We all need laughter and light moments of caring and joy.

In scene the hard Bitch mode has a very valuable place, BUT not all of the time. Out of scene and in the day to day decisions being firm can be loving and caring.

To ALWAYS be hard You will strip away the subs self esteem after awhile and You will also become like a comic book carricature of a Dominant. he will most likely become bored with You over time and You will most likely become bored with him.

 

[SierraMoon]

In a true and well balanced D/s relationship the Dominant MUST be capable of knowing when hard and soft must interact.

Dominant does NOT equal BITCH no matter how many web sites will tell You it does...no matter how many subs fantasize that it is so.

To be constantly hard, cruel, bitchy and arrogant would simply become boring to the Dominant very quickly. We all need laughter and light moments of caring and joy.

In scene the hard Bitch mode has a very valuable place, BUT not all of the time. Out of scene and in the day to day decisions being firm can be loving and caring.

To ALWAYS be hard You will strip away the subs self esteem after awhile and You will also become like a comic book carricature of a Dominant. he will most likely become bored with You over time and You will most likely become bored with him.

May i say how awesome i think you are, Shadowsdream???

 

[Shadowsdream]

SierraMoon...O yes you may ~~~grin~~

But not to often as I have been thinking of buying a leather cap and one size bigger might be more expensive!

 

[Justina123]

Submissive I maintenance

I was collared last month by a Dominant who for me feels like a near perfect match... He is intelligent, humorous, firm, loves ritual, and is a kind of "moderate" sadist and I am a kind of "moderate" masochist.

One thing He does to help maintain the d/s relationship is a regular (monthly or so) "maintenance spanking." This differs from both an "erotic" or a "punishment" spanking, both of which also have their place and use. I had a maintenance spanking this weekend; it was neither erotic nor extremely painful, but combined with his verbal lecture about his place, my place, etc. it is a very effective tool, at least for me. This way he does not have to be nasty or harsh or whatever.

Anyway, just another variance of "style"!

 

[indiandomme]

??

...

 

[Shadowsdream]

~disobedience so early in a relationship seems very much like Topping from the bottom to Me. I almost get the feeling that he is the one in control of how hard or soft You are.

Only You can know what is right for YOU, the Dominant..You must find the right combination of gentle firmness that works in Your relationship.

Personally I would be bored to death if the one that wanted My Domination found it so difficult to obey and complained about missing the softer side of Me.

You can't have it both ways baby would be My comment..UNLESS I want it both ways!

 

[MsWorthy]

Not everyone is suited for a lifestyle relationship, Indiandomme. In fact, most people do not need nor want a 24/7 bdsm lifestyle. Perhaps your bf is not comfortable being in "role" all of the time and needs more downtime.

You can certainly have as much (or as little) downtime as each of you need. It seems, based on the sketchy information that you have offered, that you didn't discuss this lifestyle completely before you made the decision to enter it.

I would recommend that you have have a lengthy discussion, out of "role," to see if the two of you want the same things from bdsm. Perhaps re-negotiation is in order.

 

[Ebonyfire]

~disobedience so early in a relationship seems very much like Topping from the bottom to Me. I almost get the feeling that he is the one in control of how hard or soft You are.

Only You can know what is right for YOU, the Dominant..You must find the right combination of gentle firmness that works in Your relationship.

Personally I would be bored to death if the one that wanted My Domination found it so difficult to obey and complained about missing the softer side of Me.

You can't have it both ways baby would be My comment..UNLESS I want it both ways!

I am finding that to be an issue when interviewing new subs and or my 24/7. They say they want to serve, but they want this, they want that, I can't do this! I tell them that I believe they need to go elsewhere. I am the driver of this bus, and it stops where I say it stops.

But I am not trying to Domme a lover.

Ebony

 

[Shadowsdream]

Domming a lover and Domming a sub are an entire different ballgame

 

[Ebonyfire]

Yep

Domming a lover and Domming a sub are an entire different ballgame

and I found that out the hard way!

Eb

 

[spankableBelle]

Domming a lover and Domming a sub are an entire different ballgame

How is the difference defined?

 

[Ebonyfire]

How is the difference defined?

I think being in a romantic relationship make it primary, and the dynamics are different. Many people find it hard to dominate their beloved.

I prefer to have a primary D/s relationship. You care and like Shadow says it is best if there is magic, but you cannot be manipulated by love.

Love does not take over the D/s part. Shadow probably can articulate her feeling better than I can. I just know I am a better Domme to my boy sissy because I am not romantically involved with him. We are close, but not in love.

Ebony

 

[indiandomme]

i'm confused..

...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: i'm confused..

i'm confused about what exactly he wants and what exactly i give him... its been abt 4 months... before that we talked a lot abt D/s lifestyle.. read a lot but nevr tried... i think he's finding this all more hard than he thought it would. as i never told him abt my fantasies... i found my fantasies not very feminine before. but being a dominant partner i love this lifestyle.

okay.. as i read what all of you sugessted... i had a long discussion abt this. this time i open up my mind and told him what i want... he was a bit feared when i told him now everything will work the way i want... yeah i admit that before last day i was being soft ad hard on the basis of his needs... but after the conversation its all cleared now... at least i hope so..

but its very true that dominating a lover is hard... for both of the sides...

thank you all for suggestions...
INDIAN D

I have a question for you? How can your fantasies "not be very feminine"? You are a female, and you had the fantasy.

This is how I see it; they may not be traditional, but as for being feminine, that is not under question.

Calling non-traditional thinking among females unfeminine is a way of discounting our right to be an individual or to be different.

Ebony

 

[Hecate]

A thought or two about love and D/s

How many times have we had discussions about how to make your partner accept a BDSM / kinky part in your relation that you want him/her to take?

Nice to see that there is indeed the one or other 'nlla relation going swinging that way, since both parties complement each other in their desires.

... or so it seems.

Now we see it happen - and it is obviously not easy at all.

I have not a too clear understanding indiandomme, as how you want your future 24/7 relation to go, or how your lover hoped it would go, but I will nevertheless throw in a few (more general) thoughts - which in your case may be totally missing the point. But maybe there is the one or other though worth pondering ...


from 'nilla to BDSM - quite a step, and as you may have discovered the perception of BDSM even amongst "lifestylers" is so uterly fundamentally different that I can easily imagine how a couple may agree on "going BDSM" without ever having the same idea behind it. You read and talked about it - GOOD! And you took the first steps together - even better!

Now make sure you keep at the same pace with things! Usually one or other of you may be more enthusiastic, quicker in picking up new ideas and kinks .. but make sure you don't "loose" the other on the way of your exploration!

Wishing, fantasizing for something and getting it may be VERY VERY DIFFERNT! Stay tuned into your partner to see if maybe he is changing his mind on it after getting a first taste. Somehow I get the feeling that his and your take on the whole D/s 24/7 TPE thing wasn't after all so much the same. Remeber, just because he agreed to give it a go doesn't mean he can't change his mind again - then you will have to make a choice as well, to either return to where you came from (or at least considerably tune down the activities for now) or to persue this D/s notion further, in the worst of cases without him.

When taking the steps on the way into BDSM wonderland, be carefull to not try to take "too big a bite". Even you have to find your new place and role in this, and one of the traps many novice and eager Dommes seem to fall into is that they think putting on a harsh bitchy behaviour is now totally cool and even wanted. Trust me, it is NOT: A bitch is a bitch and not a Domme! Observe yourself sharply, thoroughly, cruelly hnest to catch fost signs of "using him" in the bad way, of excusing "lazyness" on your part with being the Domme (I am not sure if that makes sense but I can't seem to find a better description - Shadowsdream, Ebony, you understand what I mean? maybe you can put it a bit more straight forward) There is enough room in your position of strength to fit in romance, cuddles, laughter and just loving little tender gestures and words. Don't ask too much from yourself - don't try and get from "Equals" to "Mistress and slave" in one leap.

Assure your partner that just becasue you take control you are not respecting him less, that you are not caring less, that you know how precious he is. Make sure you are not stripping his self esteem from him. (all this may be topic of play waaaayyy down the road for the two of you, but for now please be carefull).

You are coming from an equal (so it seems) partnership. You can't "sit down and talk it away", like flipping a switch and all falls into BDSM routine immediately.

Dominating the ones you love is challenging in the best of cases - I would guess it is an even meaner feat to do it when starting out as equals. I wish you the best of luck - and always remember that you are not jumping fom a cliff here - you can at ANY TIME, at any point decide it is not for the two of you affter all, keep the kinky sex and the bits that worked and without "shame" let go of all that didn't. There is no regulation that says you have to go for the full package or none at all!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: A thought or two about love and D/s

How many times have we had discussions about how to make your partner accept a BDSM / kinky part in your relation that you want him/her to take?

Nice to see that there is indeed the one or other 'nlla relation going swinging that way, since both parties complement each other in their desires.

... or so it seems.

Now we see it happen - and it is obviously not easy at all.

I have not a too clear understanding indiandomme, as how you want your future 24/7 relation to go, or how your lover hoped it would go, but I will nevertheless throw in a few (more general) thoughts - which in your case may be totally missing the point. But maybe there is the one or other though worth pondering ...


from 'nilla to BDSM - quite a step, and as you may have discovered the perception of BDSM even amongst "lifestylers" is so uterly fundamentally different that I can easily imagine how a couple may agree on "going BDSM" without ever having the same idea behind it. You read and talked about it - GOOD! And you took the first steps together - even better!

Now make sure you keep at the same pace with things! Usually one or other of you may be more enthusiastic, quicker in picking up new ideas and kinks .. but make sure you don't "loose" the other on the way of your exploration!

Wishing, fantasizing for something and getting it may be VERY VERY DIFFERNT! Stay tuned into your partner to see if maybe he is changing his mind on it after getting a first taste. Somehow I get the feeling that his and your take on the whole D/s 24/7 TPE thing wasn't after all so much the same. Remeber, just because he agreed to give it a go doesn't mean he can't change his mind again - then you will have to make a choice as well, to either return to where you came from (or at least considerably tune down the activities for now) or to persue this D/s notion further, in the worst of cases without him.

When taking the steps on the way into BDSM wonderland, be carefull to not try to take "too big a bite". Even you have to find your new place and role in this, and one of the traps many novice and eager Dommes seem to fall into is that they think putting on a harsh bitchy behaviour is now totally cool and even wanted. Trust me, it is NOT: A bitch is a bitch and not a Domme! Observe yourself sharply, thoroughly, cruelly hnest to catch fost signs of "using him" in the bad way, of excusing "lazyness" on your part with being the Domme (I am not sure if that makes sense but I can't seem to find a better description - Shadowsdream, Ebony, you understand what I mean? maybe you can put it a bit more straight forward) There is enough room in your position of strength to fit in romance, cuddles, laughter and just loving little tender gestures and words. Don't ask too much from yourself - don't try and get from "Equals" to "Mistress and slave" in one leap.

Assure your partner that just becasue you take control you are not respecting him less, that you are not caring less, that you know how precious he is. Make sure you are not stripping his self esteem from him. (all this may be topic of play waaaayyy down the road for the two of you, but for now please be carefull).

You are coming from an equal (so it seems) partnership. You can't "sit down and talk it away", like flipping a switch and all falls into BDSM routine immediately.

Dominating the ones you love is challenging in the best of cases - I would guess it is an even meaner feat to do it when starting out as equals. I wish you the best of luck - and always remember that you are not jumping fom a cliff here - you can at ANY TIME, at any point decide it is not for the two of you affter all, keep the kinky sex and the bits that worked and without "shame" let go of all that didn't. There is no regulation that says you have to go for the full package or none at all!

Another wonderful post, Hecate!

Ebony

 

[indiandomme]

thanks hecate...

thank you,


i found many things about a D/s relation that i never thought before.. okay.. i'll take them in mind before i make another move... was a owesome post.

indianD