Has Submission Ever Healed You? Let’s Talk About the Soul Side of BDSM

[BellaBestia]

Years ago when I was still exploring my roles and switched easily between top and bottom, I was briefly in a relationship with another switch who was more of a masochist than he claimed. During a scene at a dungeon play party after I had administered what I thought was a pretty healthy spanking and cropping to his backside, even stopped myself before getting too far, he wanted more but then wanted to switch right away without aftercare or a rest, he said he didn’t need it. I enjoyed my spanking up to a certain point where it became uncomfortable, not physically per se but emotionally. It triggered some deep seated memory for me. I started crying and safe-worded out. I tried to hug him to get some kind of emotional aftercare but he was stiff and cold and dismissive. He took me home without much conversation. Left me alone for the weekend to sort myself out. I had simultaneous sub and top drop. Stayed in bed most of the weekend. I called him for a check in, he was out, he didn’t return my call. I eventually worked out my mental and emotional state, confronted the buried memory and my reaction to it and resolved to never bottom to anyone again least of all emotionally unavailable men, and to always provide aftercare when I was the top even if the bottom claimed they didn’t need it. It cemented my top/Domme identity and my hard limits and expectations. And I dumped him.

 

[Saturn0815]

Years ago when I was still exploring my roles and switched easily between top and bottom, I was briefly in a relationship with another switch who was more of a masochist than he claimed. During a scene at a dungeon play party after I had administered what I thought was a pretty healthy spanking and cropping to his backside, even stopped myself before getting too far, he wanted more but then wanted to switch right away without aftercare or a rest, he said he didn’t need it. I enjoyed my spanking up to a certain point where it became uncomfortable, not physically per se but emotionally. It triggered some deep seated memory for me. I started crying and safe-worded out. I tried to hug him to get some kind of emotional aftercare but he was stiff and cold and dismissive. He took me home without much conversation. Left me alone for the weekend to sort myself out. I had simultaneous sub and top drop. Stayed in bed most of the weekend. I called him for a check in, he was out, he didn’t return my call. I eventually worked out my mental and emotional state, confronted the buried memory and my reaction to it and resolved to never bottom to anyone again least of all emotionally unavailable men, and to always provide aftercare when I was the top even if the bottom claimed they didn’t need it. It cemented my top/Domme identity and my hard limits and expectations. And I dumped him.

He sounded like a real asshole, who felt you spanked him too hard, he was probably too macho to use a safe word, so he took his revenge against you. I am glad that you dumped him.

 

[delphi604]

Hey beautiful kinky,

I’m curious—and opening this up to fellow submissives:

Has a BDSM experience ever healed something emotional in you or changed the way you see intimacy?
Not just pleasure, but the quiet, unexpected healing that happens when you surrender and feel truly held.

For me, there was a moment during a scene where I finally felt safe enough to fall apart. I cried—not out of pain, but release. And the way I was held, witnessed, and respected in that space… it changed everything. It taught me that submission isn’t weakness—it’s sacred strength. Sometimes it’s the place where our oldest wounds quietly melt.

Have you ever felt that?

Please share. Even a few lines. I believe these stories matter.

With curiosity,

— flameinsidesoul

I can identify. I experience subspace as dissolution of the self. That can be scary, but to me it's a release from anxiety and depression. It's been highly therapeutic.

 

[Tallcajun]

Discovering and leaning into my needs as a submissive woman has been healing for me. Many years ago I was sexually violated very violently by a group of men. It was early in my adulthood and it made me afraid of being out of control. It made me timid about my needs. I had a very loving partner at the time who helped me through it, but things we had played around with (bondage, adventurous sex, erotic play, exposure etc) all went out the window in favor of careful sweet, nurturing intimacy.

When I came to understand that I have very kinky/BDSM needs and urges and started to explore them I both resented having that stolen from me by those who hurt me and then slowly healed by reclaiming what I want and need which included embracing my nature as a kinky submissive girl. The more I lean into what really gets me going, and submit to his loving control (even when that includes mind fuck, pain, denial, humiliation and more) the more I feel empowered by my own sense of sexuality and what I need and deserve and can revel in all that I am, as my D gives me control and allows me to lean into him and that he will take care of me from lap time, to tasks and rules, to denial and funishment, pain and humiliation. The more control he exerts the more free and the more happy I feel.

What a journey! Thanks for sharing. I am so happy you’ve found your self and a partner that helps you continue the journey. To become your true self is hard to do 100%.

 

[FrenchLopBunny]

BDSM, specifically DD/lg has been a major factor in my healing process. My last relationship ended in domestic violence. Therapy was helpful in dealing with my PTS, but it wasn’t until I discovered DD/lg that my healing was accelerated. Even my therapist is impressed. My DD is a caretaker, and my refuge from the stress, the labels, and the anxiety heaped upon me by the world. With his presence I am becoming the woman who never had the chance to exist before.

He would say that it is healing him too. His last relationship also involved BDSM, but his sub wanted to expand boundaries beyond what he was comfortable with. She left him because of that.

 

[HarleyQuim]

Hey beautiful kinky,

I’m curious—and opening this up to fellow submissives:

Has a BDSM experience ever healed something emotional in you or changed the way you see intimacy?
Not just pleasure, but the quiet, unexpected healing that happens when you surrender and feel truly held.

For me, there was a moment during a scene where I finally felt safe enough to fall apart. I cried—not out of pain, but release. And the way I was held, witnessed, and respected in that space… it changed everything. It taught me that submission isn’t weakness—it’s sacred strength. Sometimes it’s the place where our oldest wounds quietly melt.

Have you ever felt that?

Please share. Even a few lines. I believe these stories matter.

With curiosity,

— flameinsidesoul

Yes! Healthy, safe/sane/consensual BDSM is so incredibly intimate. It’s was difficult when I first started this journey. Wrapping my head around the contradictions of feeling loved and valued while being humiliated and having pain inflicted on me was hard but getting to subspace sorted it all out. I was lonely and unsure of a lot of things being a sub made me feel like I fit.

Great Post!

 

[Darkfantasy20]