Polyamory

[nh23]

Well aware. The point was that loss can be face easier when you have someone. So while poly allows for greater exposure to heartache, at least you're not necessarily single like you would be with heartbreak arising from monogamy.

I'll buy that to a point. You're not alone. You still have someone to hold at night..etc. But..it doesn't hurt any less. Believe me. It's basically the same feeling as having your heart broken when you're alone.

 

[ecstaticsub]

For what ever reason this is one thing my husband will not put up with. If I am having any difficulties with my Daddy I am not to complain to my husband. He doesn't want to hear about it, he will not help me through it. I usually tell him just so he knows that my less-than-happy mood has nothing to do with him, but that's it. Fortunately difficulties are very rare, and that's what friends are for.

(on the other side of the coin, Daddy does want to know about difficulties I am having with my husband, obviously especially if those difficulties have anything to do with him)

 

[BiBunny]

I'm sorta like Netz. I really try my best not to pour my heart out about Partner A to Partner B. Oh, I'm guilty of it, for sure. But I try not to fall into self-absorption too often.

 

[Homburg]

Sounds an awful lot like most one-on-one, actually. Oh you mean....

well I find the temptation to pour out romantic heartache to the other partner kind of the ultimate in self-absorption. I won't say I've never done it, but I hate myself doing it. It feels really wrong.

This is the kind of thing I save for shrink, other friends. I mean if my Bull is making me sad, I'll tell M, but I won't do the destabilizing thing of crying all over him like my world is over.

I agree on self-absorption. The bottom line is that there is someone there. Well, more chance that there is someone there at least. You know what I mean.

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I'll buy that to a point. You're not alone. You still have someone to hold at night..etc. But..it doesn't hurt any less. Believe me. It's basically the same feeling as having your heart broken when you're alone.

Nope, not saying it feels any different. All I know is that it was easier to deal with when "w" and I broke it off, because my gal was there to help keep my folded ass together.

To an extent, it prevents excessive self-absorption on my end. I still have to be functional for her, so I can't wallow in self-pity, etc.

 

[Netzach]

I agree on self-absorption. The bottom line is that there is someone there. Well, more chance that there is someone there at least. You know what I mean.

Yeah, although being as good at guilt as I am, it's easier to be alone and give in to self-pity for a while than feel like "oh no, this wonderful person loves me and I'm such an asshole for being unhappy about something else." Just a different set of problems for me, really.

Alone is easier for me, always was. Not better, but definitely definitely easier.

 

[DeservingBitch]

The bottom line is that there is someone there. Well, more chance that there is someone there at least. You know what I mean.

Yes, but it's not the person who's causing the heartache. People are not interchangeable.

Having another partner there also mean that you still have to cater to their own needs and to the relationship, when very often you'd much rather just sulk and focus on your own pain guilt-free.

 

[Homburg]

Yeah, although being as good at guilt as I am, it's easier to be alone and give in to self-pity for a while than feel like "oh no, this wonderful person loves me and I'm such an asshole for being unhappy about something else." Just a different set of problems for me, really.

Alone is easier for me, always was. Not better, but definitely definitely easier.

I spin my wheels quietly in place until I explode. Usually it takes someone prodding into some sort of motion to get me to begin recovery. If I don't get prodded, I'll eventually just explode. Rash, excessive, and frequently injurious activity follows.

So while I may seek solitude in such times, it is just not a good idea.

 

[Homburg]

Yes, but it's not the person who's causing the heartache. People are not interchangeable.

I'm not getting this. This comes from where? I was celebrating the idea of having someone around that can help keep me from self-destructing.

Having another partner there also mean that you still have to cater to their own needs and to the relationship, when very often you'd much rather just sulk and focus on your own pain guilt-free.

Exact opposite effect for me. As I said above, alone can be bad. Better to have somebody around when I'm in those moods, and concern over someone else's needs is what I would call a positive distraction.

 

[nh23]

Nope, not saying it feels any different. All I know is that it was easier to deal with when "w" and I broke it off, because my gal was there to help keep my folded ass together.

To an extent, it prevents excessive self-absorption on my end. I still have to be functional for her, so I can't wallow in self-pity, etc.

Oh, I was reading you wrong I think. I thought the point you were making was that heartbreak was easier for people in more than one relationship. It's not. It's the same pain everyone else feels. But, I get what you're saying now. For me when I was in really bad shape once it helped to have my hubby around because he took care of what needed to be done in the home and with the kids for a few days while I was crying in bed feeling sorry for myself..lol

 

[Caitlynne]

[...]and concern over someone else's needs is what I would call a positive distraction.

I am like this. I think it's a positive to have another lover or part of a Triad or Quad too.

It's not that way when friends who love me just 'want to be there for me'. Now that can irritate me sometimes and I'd rather be alone. Usually, as much as friends want to be helpful, they end up saying the wrong things. Quite frankly they don't understand and so they say things like "you're better off without him, etc." That's not something that helps me at all because I'm still in the 'he was everything to me blah blah blah...' part.

But a lover, a person who is also or was also in the relationship, understands. They know. or they know as much as another person can know, and that helps. There is a lovers kind of language that already exists. It's intimate, soothing, and comforting. I offer the same to him or her. That always keeps me from diving into my own emotional stuff--concern for someone else.

However, it isn't easy when both people break away from the triad. That's happened to me before. I was working out of town over a summer and only got back home [we all lived together] on weekends. Over the course of the summer they both took other lovers without telling me [we had a rule that no one took a lover unless we all agreed. Balance in a triad is difficult to keep at best.] End of summer arrives, and they both sit me down and tell me they want to be monogamous with the 'other' lover. So I lost both of them at once.

**cries** LOL not really, it was a long time ago, and I'm still friends with him.

 

[Homburg]

Oh, I was reading you wrong I think. I thought the point you were making was that heartbreak was easier for people in more than one relationship. It's not. It's the same pain everyone else feels. But, I get what you're saying now. For me when I was in really bad shape once it helped to have my hubby around because he took care of what needed to be done in the home and with the kids for a few days while I was crying in bed feeling sorry for myself..lol

Pretty much, yeah. I wasn't real clear.

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I am like this. I think it's a positive to have another lover or part of a Triad or Quad too.

It's not that way when friends who love me just 'want to be there for me'. Now that can irritate me sometimes and I'd rather be alone. Usually, as much as friends want to be helpful, they end up saying the wrong things. Quite frankly they don't understand and so they say things like "you're better off without him, etc." That's not something that helps me at all because I'm still in the 'he was everything to me blah blah blah...' part.

100% agreement! Geeze, I love my friends, but I wish they would fuck straight off in situations like that. I've got a couple of friends that won't do that, and, oddly enough, they're th eones I value most.

But a lover, a person who is also or was also in the relationship, understands. They know. or they know as much as another person can know, and that helps. There is a lovers kind of language that already exists. It's intimate, soothing, and comforting. I offer the same to him or her. That always keeps me from diving into my own emotional stuff--concern for someone else.

Again, complete agreement. I say that a lot with you Caitlynne

However, it isn't easy when both people break away from the triad. That's happened to me before. I was working out of town over a summer and only got back home [we all lived together] on weekends. Over the course of the summer they both took other lovers without telling me [we had a rule that no one took a lover unless we all agreed. Balance in a triad is difficult to keep at best.] End of summer arrives, and they both sit me down and tell me they want to be monogamous with the 'other' lover. So I lost both of them at once.

**cries** LOL not really, it was a long time ago, and I'm still friends with him.

That's horrible timing!

*hugs*

Yeah, long time ago, sure, but I can still express sympathy!

 

[HottieMama]

Just a little bump.

i this thread.

 

[SubKekiLee]

well I thought I'd bump this thread... Ive been back and forth and now hubby says he is willing to take the step to be poly with me... MMMMMm i hope he can... id be the luckiest gal alive in my opinion

 

[the captians wench]

I've had my first expeirence with having to keep a certain aspect of my relationship from some one.

I'm usually a very open person, but it's very obvious that my brother just can not handle the fact that my "boyfriend" is married and his wife is completely cool with the relationship. He thought the idea of me dating more than one guy (including my long distance love) was just wrong, and the idea that all of these guys know about it and are okay just made it worse. If we added into it that my primary home town guy had the coolest wife I think his head would explode.

It's hard keeping that secret from him. Especially since I talk about them a lot. So far he hasn't picked up that when I talk about them, he is the same he that I talk about alone.

 

[Netzach]

I've had my first expeirence with having to keep a certain aspect of my relationship from some one.

I'm usually a very open person, but it's very obvious that my brother just can not handle the fact that my "boyfriend" is married and his wife is completely cool with the relationship. He thought the idea of me dating more than one guy (including my long distance love) was just wrong, and the idea that all of these guys know about it and are okay just made it worse. If we added into it that my primary home town guy had the coolest wife I think his head would explode.

It's hard keeping that secret from him. Especially since I talk about them a lot. So far he hasn't picked up that when I talk about them, he is the same he that I talk about alone.

This is about as weird as it gets for a lot of people. I'm sorry, it's an icky feeling sometimes, but it's just not on most people's radar as anything other than being in some kind of cult or a swinger or something.

 

[Homburg]

Wired article on the internet and polyamory

The internet is famous for hooking people up for everything from blind dates to political activism.

For people into polyamory -- a way of life in which participants engage in multiple intimate relationships simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved -- the internet provided a handy label for their lifestyle and a launch pad for injecting the concept into mainstream consciousness.

"Around 1990, we found this nifty name to call ourselves, instead of 'responsible, consensual nonmonogamy,'" says Dr. Kenneth Haslam, a retired anesthesiologist and curator of the Kenneth R. Haslam Collection on Polyamory at The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. "About that same time, the internet came along -- and it was at exactly the right time. The internet is a tipping point for polyamory."

From its somewhat murky etymological past to 1992's creation of the alt.polyamory Usenet newsgroup, the term has swept to mainstream acceptance: Polyamorist, polyamorous and polyamory made the Oxford English Dictionary in 2006, and these days, polyamory (poly for short) is more visible than ever.

Bit of an interesting read. Vaguely on topic, though not in response to anything posted here.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Wired article on the internet and polyamory



Bit of an interesting read. Vaguely on topic, though not in response to anything posted here.

Very good article... homburg.... thanks for the link..

 

[cherokee_dove]

bumps for Truthseek to find

 

[Essene]

Could someone help me please.

.....

 

[BiBunny]

This is going to sound kind of silly because I feel like I have the answer to my question, but it's so cryptic to me I still don't quite understand it.

History:

I'm a bisexual switch. For my needs to be met I need to have relationships with both a man and a woman, a Top and a bottom. Let's say I've found a Top that is a woman and a man that is a switch... and they're a married couple. my needs are being met,and their needs are being met. I love each of them and we're all happy. That's my version of polyamory - if your needs aren't being met, then I think folks should be able to search until their needs are met.

Let's say that my Top keeps finding people that she thinks are really interesting and gets involved with them. She's very blatant and upfront about it.

I get upset. Why? I don't understand why this bothers me, but it's intense and it's rooted in my core - I can feel it, and why does she feel the need for more partners?

So in my quest to understand what it is I am feeling so that I may articulate it better, I run into this statement:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly.html

"People who are poly by nature experience the same drive, the same need to seek out intimacy and romantic relationships, but once such a person has found a partner, that drive is not switched off. A poly person is still driven to seek out intimate romantic relationships.

This is what many poly folk mean when they say "Having one lover does not meet all my needs." It's not a way of saying that a poly person expects to have every need, no matter how trivial or transient, satisfied at once; rather, it's a way of saying that the need which is completely satisfied when a monogamous person finds a lover is not satisfied when a polyamorous person finds a partner.
Put simply: Monogamous people can be happy sharing their lives with one and only one other person. Polyamorous people can not."

So there's part of my answer right? But I'm still not quite understanding that mindset. I'm trying desperately to place myself in her shoes but I can't seem to do it.


Would anyone care to weigh in. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

-PM

I think here's where you have to draw that line between polyamory and swinging (or playing, in the kinky sense, if you prefer). Is your Top forming serious, loving relationships with these people, or is she just enjoying playing? That'll help me answer the question better.

 

[Essene]

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[HottieMama]

PM...

You and i have the same version of polyamory/polyfidelity. I don't have to continually seek out other lovers/intimate relationships if the ones i have fully satisfy me.

 

[Essene]

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[HottieMama]

Hey HM. Thanks for this. *hugs*

So what would you do or what do you do if/when one of your partners is still seeking new intimate relationships?

What are/would be your feelings on this?

Deal-breaker for me. Again, for me...any activity outside of what would be the "poly triad" has to be approved by ALL members of the triad...otherwise it doesn't happen.

Like i said above, if what i have is meeting my needs then there is no reason to look elsewhere. If it is not meeting my needs, then i need to reevaluate being part of the relationship in the first place.

 

[Essene]

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