Obedience and transparency

[Lizzie_Borden]

So do you have a way of explaining why the crazy is mandatory? Because I'm having issues explaining why an orange is an orange instead of a kumquat to someone who's never seen either.

Not really. We've pretty much just learned to accept that it just *is* and try to work around it. Usually I just need time to work through the gamut of emotional responses, particularly to things I don't really care for. He knows now to just let me have that time, and that when I'm ready, he'll have what he wants.

Because I can be stubborn, forcing me when I'm not ready will never work, but I'm quite open to some subtle (and occasionally not so subtle) manipulation.

I still have the occasional freak out, and he'll break the tension by laughing at me. LAUGHING AT ME. Because I'm being silly. It actually makes me feel better, when I realise he's not taking it too seriously and throwing his hands up in dispair and running away.

 

[VelvetSin]

I know how that goes. Sometimes I get what I ask for, sometimes no. Either way it's all good.

He'll also occasionally ask if I'm happy with things overall, or if there's anything I'd like to change. However he's quick to mention that it may or may not change things, he just likes to know how I'm travelling.

That's exactly it. If I get what I ask for, yay! If not, things roll right along and there's usually a yay! in there still.

Communication is the other white meat.

 

[chy_girl]

Not really. We've pretty much just learned to accept that it just *is* and try to work around it. Usually I just need time to work through the gamut of emotional responses, particularly to things I don't really care for. He knows now to just let me have that time, and that when I'm ready, he'll have what he wants.

Because I can be stubborn, forcing me when I'm not ready will never work, but I'm quite open to some subtle (and occasionally not so subtle) manipulation.

I still have the occasional freak out, and he'll break the tension by laughing at me. LAUGHING AT ME. Because I'm being silly. It actually makes me feel better, when I realise he's not taking it too seriously and throwing his hands up in dispair and running away.

That part is an amazing feeling isn't it? And a sign of a very good PYL, IMHO.

And we really need the damned like button!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

That part is an amazing feeling isn't it? And a sign of a very good PYL, IMHO.

And we really need the damned like button!

Yeah, it's good to not feel like you're being chucked in the 'too hard' basket, that you're worth working for.

But, and I tried explaining this to him recently, and failed cos I couldn't find the words, but no matter how much I worry, or panic, or get scared, I know I'll be alright, because there's just this aura about him, the air of self assuredness, this sense of ease, that tells me even if the world ended, he'd be alright. And by default, I will be.

And that, that feeling, is the one that makes me love him, and want to do anything he asks.

 

[chy_girl]

Yeah, it's good to not feel like you're being chucked in the 'too hard' basket, that you're worth working for.

But, and I tried explaining this to him recently, and failed cos I couldn't find the words, but no matter how much I worry, or panic, or get scared, I know I'll be alright, because there's just this aura about him, the air of self assuredness, this sense of ease, that tells me even if the world ended, he'd be alright. And by default, I will be.

And that, that feeling, is the one that makes me love him, and want to do anything he asks.

For me it's like turning a spinning top loose in a box. No matter how fast I go, no matter how much I bounce around, no matter how long it takes me to slow down, there is a part of me that knows they won't let me out. They'll box me in and keep me safe till I can see straight again.

The hardest thing I ever did for them was to truly be myself. To let them see all the insecurities, the needs, the deepest wants. To let them see *me*. To keep letting them see me as I grow as a person and as their submissive. Even in the times when I grumble and hiss and snarl because it's so terrifying at such a soul deep level, they just wait patiently for me to finish licking my wounds and show them the scar that managed to get ripped open. They let me have my own growing pains in my own ways without persecution, punishment, or retribution. Excellent concepts, IMO. And very useful with that whole relationship thing.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

For me it's like turning a spinning top loose in a box. No matter how fast I go, no matter how much I bounce around, no matter how long it takes me to slow down, there is a part of me that knows they won't let me out. They'll box me in and keep me safe till I can see straight again.

The hardest thing I ever did for them was to truly be myself. To let them see all the insecurities, the needs, the deepest wants. To let them see *me*. To keep letting them see me as I grow as a person and as their submissive. Even in the times when I grumble and hiss and snarl because it's so terrifying at such a soul deep level, they just wait patiently for me to finish licking my wounds and show them the scar that managed to get ripped open. They let me have my own growing pains in my own ways without persecution, punishment, or retribution. Excellent concepts, IMO. And very useful with that whole relationship thing.

It is the scariest thing, letting someone in to see you on the very inside.

For some of us anyways, I'm sure others don't find it as difficult.

The ultimate need, for someone to love you the way you are.

The ultimate transparency.

 

[chy_girl]

It is the scariest thing, letting someone in to see you on the very inside.

For some of us anyways, I'm sure others don't find it as difficult.

The ultimate need, for someone to love you the way you are.

The ultimate transparency.

Very much so, on all counts.

It can also be the ultimate obedience.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I've noticed I have a terrible tendency to get over analytical when trying something new, which in turn becomes a barrier to "subspace," and/or submission.

I find myself critiquing when I should be keeping my mouth shut, or answering questions like "are you comfortable," a little to analytically, and not from a submissive frame of mind.

Unforetunately; more than one would be PYL has thrown up her hands and quit on me at that point. Having been left in the "too hard basket," over things that seemed trivial, at least has the effect of sending me to a sort of subspace when I dwell on those memories overly much.

In retrospect, and perhaps as a note for future relationships (if that ever occurs), would be that in those times; rather than walking out, a simple slap in the face, or biting remark such as "shut up," or "I don't care," would suffice much better to put me in my place for the moment.

It's a trick, to know yourself and work with it. Now that you've recognised this behaviour, would it be worth discussing with the next potential partner, and letting them know what you might need if you start acting like that? They can then understand and incorporate it, instead of things coming to an end.

And if you do want to eliminate it, then by all means, go for it. But in the mean time, working with a behaviour set while trying to modify it, rather than trying to stamp it out from the get go, seems to work better. For me, anyways. YMMV.

 

[rinka]

Yeah, it's good to not feel like you're being chucked in the 'too hard' basket, that you're worth working for.

(...)

I can have a lot of resistance needing to be overcome. A huge thing is this, needing to feel that I'm worth working for. Needing to test that.

(...)

The hardest thing I ever did for them was to truly be myself. To let them see all the insecurities, the needs, the deepest wants. To let them see *me*. To keep letting them see me as I grow as a person and as their submissive. Even in the times when I grumble and hiss and snarl because it's so terrifying at such a soul deep level, they just wait patiently for me to finish licking my wounds and show them the scar that managed to get ripped open. They let me have my own growing pains in my own ways without persecution, punishment, or retribution. Excellent concepts, IMO. And very useful with that whole relationship thing.

That's beautiful, chy!

It is the scariest thing, letting someone in to see you on the very inside.

For some of us anyways, I'm sure others don't find it as difficult.

The ultimate need, for someone to love you the way you are.

The ultimate transparency.

Yes, very scary. And going there for me puts me in a very vulnerable, skinless state, where I feel pretty little. That in turn is also scary...

But what I crave most.

I've noticed I have a terrible tendency to get over analytical when trying something new, which in turn becomes a barrier to "subspace," and/or submission.

I find myself critiquing when I should be keeping my mouth shut, or answering questions like "are you comfortable," a little to analytically, and not from a submissive frame of mind.

Unforetunately; more than one would be PYL has thrown up her hands and quit on me at that point. Having been left in the "too hard basket," over things that seemed trivial, at least has the effect of sending me to a sort of subspace when I dwell on those memories overly much.

In retrospect, and perhaps as a note for future relationships (if that ever occurs), would be that in those times; rather than walking out, a simple slap in the face, or biting remark such as "shut up," or "I don't care," would suffice much better to put me in my place for the moment.

These sound a lot like my defense mechanisms. Analysis, diversion, questioning. It does get in the way.

But somewhere there should be people who appreciate a lively, critical mind and can say "shut up". Or just make you.

 

[YourCaptor]

As told

I don't care what shes flapping about as long as she shuts up when I say so.

 

[Netzach]

I can see how making someone do stuff they hate for you can have a huge appeal for a PYL. But do you want him to show you if he hates it, enjoys it or is just ok with it? Do you feed a lot off that response or more off of your plan being carried out?

Do it, then give me the in-depth when I ask about it, or if you really have some kind of issue with it - but this should be an exception and not a rule. If it's a rule then you're probably not cut out for this like you think you are and I am not a therapist, and you can come back when your head is on right and you're ready to you know - obey.

I'm not adverse to communication, but I am adverse to a relationship where every single thing I want is a dramatic uphill climb. I'd have had children by now if I wanted that. I know this probably gives the impression that nothing is negotiable and everything is "shut up" and it's not like that at all - it's because I'm a massively reasonable person that my boundaries around this are very hard. It's too easy for people to derail me with sympathy.

 

[rida]

I've been dwelling on this thread for a couple of days, and sorry for an answer a bit all over the place.
It is very easy to answer the obedience part. The transparency one ... not so much.

With the Sadist obedience is paramount. It was the first thing he said in his e-mail and when we met: "your absolute obedience will be required". And I have no problem with that. It does not mean that I like everything I'm ordered to do, nor that it is easy, but voicing my refusal or showing defiance is not acceptable. (Safety concerns are always ok, of course). Struggling, and even failing, if the effort are honest though is fine. But as we are not a "couple" and he does not have any interest in controlling the time we do not spend together, it probably makes it easier to do.

Transparency, if meant as to express my thoughts is, of course welcomed, but at the appropriate time. That means after and not during, unless we have hit an emotional landmine.

While struggling to write about transparency with the Sadist, I'm realizing that we both are actually pretty reserved when it comes to talk about our innermost working. Of course we cannot hide what we are feeling during an intense scene (although I bet we would both be pretty good at "acting" if we needed to), but we tend not to talk about it much.

There is a simplicity in our interactions that I really love: he orders, I obey, nothing else matters.


Now with Hubby ... it is a totally different ball game.
The fact that we are married, a couple and that we share also the mundane part of life makes things much more complicated.

Obedience is yes important, but it has to be waited against the unwanted consequences and emotional risks. Honesty is ultimately very important, but transparency has to take, at times, a back seat to balance and stability.

What I mean is that there have been many cases in which the best course of action for me as the pyl was to go along with Hubby's "script", holding my real reactions and emotions in check, to be discussed on a later time (if I just could not do that, I safeword ). Due to a higher degree of "nakedness" and vulnerability, it is much harder to discuss issues while arising and it is much better to wait when the emotions have calmed down. At the same time though, due to a broader spectrum of repercussions, issues need to be addressed and cannot be left to fix themselves. And as such there is much more analyzing and talking and, yes, struggles that goes on.

Simplicity would be the last word I'd use to describe my interactions with Hubby.

 

[eastern sun]

Without obedience there is no submission, in our view. So the expectation of obedience is the defining factor in our relationship. Transparency is only required because it is what he wants. The ownership rights he asserts include my internal world as well as my physical self.

I am not always obedient though, for many reasons. And there are usually consequences. I have always embraced the identity of "slave" because submission is coerced rather than gifted.

Our world is most harmonious, though, when I am not fomenting rebellion or trying to escape. (Or when those efforts are neatly woven into the relationship.)

 

[Ravenwind]

For myself and my Husband, transparency is takes priority over obedience. If we can fix why I don't want to obey, then obedience and submission will come soon after, and the problem will not arise again (unless it's about the laundry...). If it were the other way around, we'd both be pretty miserable every time it comes up.

 

[rinka]

Do it, then give me the in-depth when I ask about it, or if you really have some kind of issue with it - but this should be an exception and not a rule. If it's a rule then you're probably not cut out for this like you think you are and I am not a therapist, and you can come back when your head is on right and you're ready to you know - obey.

I'm not adverse to communication, but I am adverse to a relationship where every single thing I want is a dramatic uphill climb. I'd have had children by now if I wanted that. I know this probably gives the impression that nothing is negotiable and everything is "shut up" and it's not like that at all - it's because I'm a massively reasonable person that my boundaries around this are very hard. It's too easy for people to derail me with sympathy.

I understand. I am thinking that transparency often does get in the way of obedience. In my previous relationship I often felt that I controlled things with my emotions. Emotionally topping from the bottom and I longed for boundaries around that. I didn't mean to manipulate (well, sometimes probably) but I constantly felt that I did. Tears, silence, pouting, questions, thoughts I expressed, it affected the way he treated me and that made me selfconscious which made it even worse.

It's wonderful to be treated with so much consideration, but it's not always conducive to the power exchange. There needs to be a balance, and I'm interested in how those boudaries are set up in different relationships.

 

[dicky911]

I understand. I am thinking that transparency often does get in the way of obedience. In my previous relationship I often felt that I controlled things with my emotions. Emotionally topping from the bottom and I longed for boundaries around that. I didn't mean to manipulate (well, sometimes probably) but I constantly felt that I did. Tears, silence, pouting, questions, thoughts I expressed, it affected the way he treated me and that made me selfconscious which made it even worse.

It's wonderful to be treated with so much consideration, but it's not always conducive to the power exchange. There needs to be a balance, and I'm interested in how those boudaries are set up in different relationships.

It is not a question of transparency, rinka, it is a question of too much freedom. If you are not allowed to express your emotions - if there are clear restrictions - then you will find obedience much less difficult.

 

[rinka]

I've been dwelling on this thread for a couple of days, and sorry for an answer a bit all over the place.
It is very easy to answer the obedience part. The transparency one ... not so much.

With the Sadist obedience is paramount. It was the first thing he said in his e-mail and when we met: "your absolute obedience will be required". And I have no problem with that. It does not mean that I like everything I'm ordered to do, nor that it is easy, but voicing my refusal or showing defiance is not acceptable. (Safety concerns are always ok, of course). Struggling, and even failing, if the effort are honest though is fine. But as we are not a "couple" and he does not have any interest in controlling the time we do not spend together, it probably makes it easier to do.

Transparency, if meant as to express my thoughts is, of course welcomed, but at the appropriate time. That means after and not during, unless we have hit an emotional landmine.

While struggling to write about transparency with the Sadist, I'm realizing that we both are actually pretty reserved when it comes to talk about our innermost working. Of course we cannot hide what we are feeling during an intense scene (although I bet we would both be pretty good at "acting" if we needed to), but we tend not to talk about it much.

There is a simplicity in our interactions that I really love: he orders, I obey, nothing else matters.


Now with Hubby ... it is a totally different ball game.
The fact that we are married, a couple and that we share also the mundane part of life makes things much more complicated.

Obedience is yes important, but it has to be waited against the unwanted consequences and emotional risks. Honesty is ultimately very important, but transparency has to take, at times, a back seat to balance and stability.

What I mean is that there have been many cases in which the best course of action for me as the pyl was to go along with Hubby's "script", holding my real reactions and emotions in check, to be discussed on a later time (if I just could not do that, I safeword ). Due to a higher degree of "nakedness" and vulnerability, it is much harder to discuss issues while arising and it is much better to wait when the emotions have calmed down. At the same time though, due to a broader spectrum of repercussions, issues need to be addressed and cannot be left to fix themselves. And as such there is much more analyzing and talking and, yes, struggles that goes on.

Simplicity would be the last word I'd use to describe my interactions with Hubby.

It makes sense that it's easier to have clearer boundaries in a more strictly play relationship. Less love-related complications and other relationship entanglements.

What made me really think in your post is what I bolded. Holding back. Is this something your husband has asked you to do?

Of course it's a shared responsibilty like most things in a relationship, but maybe there are two ways to share the responsibility.

pyl holds back or postpones reactions or showing emotions and needs if they might disturb.

Or PYL powers through, like chy described, regardless.

I'm not very clear on what I mean yet, I'll keep processing.
Or PYL

 

[rida]

It makes sense that it's easier to have clearer boundaries in a more strictly play relationship. Less love-related complications and other relationship entanglements.

What made me really think in your post is what I bolded. Holding back. Is this something your husband has asked you to do?

Of course it's a shared responsibilty like most things in a relationship, but maybe there are two ways to share the responsibility.

pyl holds back or postpones reactions or showing emotions and needs if they might disturb.

Or PYL powers through, like chy described, regardless.

I'm not very clear on what I mean yet, I'll keep processing.
Or PYL

No. Hubby has not asked me to hold back. It is just one of those things that I've learned is better to do at certain times. I consider it part of my service as a pyl.

It goes back to what I bolded in your post.

With Hubby, in spite of knowing him for a long time, the fact that we have added the D/s dynamic later in the marriage, and the fact that it was the first time for the both of us, it meant that there was and is still a lot of learning that we are doing, both about ourselves and about each-other. And one of the things I learned is that for Hubby, the "script" in his mind is very important.

As the pyl, I do not get pleasure if my PYL doesn't. So for me to make sure that I follow the script, even if it means holding back on the real emotions, is part of giving my PYL the experience he wants.

There will be time later to discuss. But even there I've learned that dissecting things too much only leads to more inner "rebellions". Just obeying, at the end, seems to be the simplifying secret.

ETA: I just noticed a curious correlation between obedience and transparency for me: if on the moment transparency is allowed, intended as being allowed to show whatever emotions I'm feeling, obedience is easy. However too much in-depth dissection of meanings, intentions and emotions, leads instead toward rebellion and lack of obedience.

 

[rinka]

Without obedience there is no submission, in our view. So the expectation of obedience is the defining factor in our relationship. Transparency is only required because it is what he wants. The ownership rights he asserts include my internal world as well as my physical self.

I am not always obedient though, for many reasons. And there are usually consequences. I have always embraced the identity of "slave" because submission is coerced rather than gifted.

Our world is most harmonious, though, when I am not fomenting rebellion or trying to escape. (Or when those efforts are neatly woven into the relationship.)

You say he requires transparency as well. Do you find that these ever collide?

For myself and my Husband, transparency is takes priority over obedience. If we can fix why I don't want to obey, then obedience and submission will come soon after, and the problem will not arise again (unless it's about the laundry...). If it were the other way around, we'd both be pretty miserable every time it comes up.

So having your emotions expressed and adressed makes you more obedient?

It is not a question of transparency, rinka, it is a question of too much freedom. If you are not allowed to express your emotions - if there are clear restrictions - then you will find obedience much less difficult.

Hmm...

Not sure I could be in a relationship where I wasn't allowed to express my emotions. Definitely not in a romantic relationship. And I have a feeling too hard restrictions in that area would create resentment and defiance in me.

 

[KoPilot]

Hmm...

Not sure I could be in a relationship where I wasn't allowed to express my emotions. Definitely not in a romantic relationship. And I have a feeling too hard restrictions in that area would create resentment and defiance in me.

I agree... being able to express myself makes me much more docile. Not allowing me to do that is tantamount to one of the greatest acts of disrespect someone can do to me, hands down. I'm not saying that I take advantage of that freedom of expression all the time (i.e. constant nagging/complaining), but knowing that I can is a source of great comfort. Not being able to fills me with bile.

 

[rinka]

No. Hubby has not asked me to hold back. It is just one of those things that I've learned is better to do at certain times. I consider it part of my service as a pyl.

It goes back to what I bolded in your post.

With Hubby, in spite of knowing him for a long time, the fact that we have added the D/s dynamic later in the marriage, and the fact that it was the first time for the both of us, it meant that there was and is still a lot of learning that we are doing, both about ourselves and about each-other. And one of the things I learned is that for Hubby, the "script" in his mind is very important.

As the pyl, I do not get pleasure if my PYL doesn't. So for me to make sure that I follow the script, even if it means holding back on the real emotions, is part of giving my PYL the experience he wants.

There will be time later to discuss. But even there I've learned that dissecting things too much only leads to more inner "rebellions". Just obeying, at the end, seems to be the simplifying secret.

ETA: I just noticed a curious correlation between obedience and transparency for me: if on the moment transparency is allowed, intended as being allowed to show whatever emotions I'm feeling, obedience is easy. However too much in-depth dissection of meanings, intentions and emotions, leads instead toward rebellion and lack of obedience.

Thanks for developing that!

It is definitely service. Putting your PYL's needs first.

One aspect of what I meant earlier by my emotions controlling in my previous relation relates to this. Maybe during an activity I would hesitate or get scared or cry. Maybe just not respond with enthusiasm or arousal. I didn't refuse or safeword or start a huge drama. At times my response or lack thereof had more to do with where I was then totally hating what we did.

Later I would realize that we never tried that activity again. When we talked about it it became clear that it was because of my negative response. It made me feel that I had failed him, that I ruined things he liked. But it also led to me not being challenged and having my boundaries pushed, which created frustration in me.

 

[eastern sun]

You say he requires transparency as well. Do you find that these ever collide?

Yes. But those collisions often fuel his interests. He gets off on the fact that he can't control my feelings and desires, while he can control my actions.

You've been mentioning in regards to yourself that negative feelings or resistance arise during certain activities, and you feel like you've failed. This happens with us too, but it's taken as par for the course, instead of as a failure. He would usually prefer for me to express pleasure and eagerness in whatever he asks, and sometimes I do, but it's not humanly possible to respond with enthusiasm every time we interact (at least for me).

I had one play relationship where I never showed negative emotions, and it was a kind of fantasy-bliss, but it had no bearing on a real life partnership. It was a little escape into an unreal world, clearly defined and definitely limited. We could leave our bad selves at the door and play at something that could never exist for longer than a matter of hours. Negative emotions that were generated by this relationship were dealt with outside of the relationship, which is tricky because they were expressed in contexts that had nothing to do with the original trigger - very problematic in my opinion when that context included my kids, for instance.

Any relationship has to include allowances for negative emotions, in both parties. There are times when I can clearly see how my reactions are obstacles, and when they are I do think I have to take responsibility for working through them. But I think it would be unreasonable of me to expect of myself that I would never express opposition or discomfort.

 

[VelvetSin]

ETA: I just noticed a curious correlation between obedience and transparency for me: if on the moment transparency is allowed, intended as being allowed to show whatever emotions I'm feeling, obedience is easy. However too much in-depth dissection of meanings, intentions and emotions, leads instead toward rebellion and lack of obedience.

After the conversation earlier in the thread, I thought a bit about why some of us must know everything and flourish when given the freedom to speak our thoughts or minds. I can only speak for me, but personally, I'm prone to over-analysing and in-depth dissection, but that usually only comes up in situations where boundaries are not clearly defined, or it's a new situation (which I guess is the same thing). If boundaries are fuzzy or I'm in unfamiliar territory, wheels just keep spinning until I figure it out and it makes sense, or he makes it make sense. I think it ultimately comes from a place of wanting to please him. I don't like making mistakes (mild perfectionist flaw) and I want to do things right for him. Partial instructions, new territory, etc. leave me feeling off-balance. If I'm unsure, I want to be sure so I can do it right. It doesn't mean constant reassurance over every decision or situation is needed, new situations don't come up too often. Clarifying instructions or a simple "don't worry about it, just do it" fix it all just fine.

That also doesn't mean that every minor thing is questioned, or that questions are asked the instant the thought pops in mind. I'm a huge advocate of "choose your battles" and "choose your battleground." Not every little thing is worth comment. Most aren't, at least not right then. Big issues deserve mention immediately, but bringing up every minor annoyance would easily fall under the realm of nagging. We share a journal, and after a few hours or a day or two (I don't write in it every night), only the things that are still in mind when I sit down and start writing go in there. Probably 98% of things don't make the cut. If he asks, I'll share my thoughts, but usually after a bit of time, I'm unsure why I was even annoyed at the time and chalk it up to me being in a bad mood just then, not something that needs addressing in any way other than to remind myself, "don't be a bitch/paranoid/brat/lazy/whatever."

 

[rida]

Thanks for developing that!

It is definitely service. Putting your PYL's needs first.

One aspect of what I meant earlier by my emotions controlling in my previous relation relates to this. Maybe during an activity I would hesitate or get scared or cry. Maybe just not respond with enthusiasm or arousal. I didn't refuse or safeword or start a huge drama. At times my response or lack thereof had more to do with where I was then totally hating what we did.

Later I would realize that we never tried that activity again. When we talked about it it became clear that it was because of my negative response. It made me feel that I had failed him, that I ruined things he liked. But it also led to me not being challenged and having my boundaries pushed, which created frustration in me.

Been there, suffered that. Had a fight over it, learned my lesson, LOL.
(Hence the following the script).

I too find it easier to be the "perfect pyl" in my external D/s relationship than in my marriage. And I bet the Sadist finds it easier to be the "perfect PYL" in our relationship than in his own marriage (his marriage is D/s as well).

It is not the lack of emotional entanglement, or commitment, or submission.
It is the fact that having a time/distance buffer for when emotions run high, allows me not to lose sight of the big picture and I get to work my own end of the struggle, before bringing forth only what really needs to be discussed (and more often than not there is really nothing to discuss.)

I'm trying to bring the delayed approach within the marriage as well. It is much harder to do though when living together and trying not to let any struggle "leak" into the mundane and daily necessary interactions.

But as eastern sun said it much better below:

*snip*
Any relationship has to include allowances for negative emotions, in both parties. There are times when I can clearly see how my reactions are obstacles, and when they are I do think I have to take responsibility for working through them. But I think it would be unreasonable of me to expect of myself that I would never express opposition or discomfort.

 

[rida]

After the conversation earlier in the thread, I thought a bit about why some of us must know everything and flourish when given the freedom to speak our thoughts or minds. I can only speak for me, but personally, I'm prone to over-analysing and in-depth dissection, but that usually only comes up in situations where boundaries are not clearly defined, or it's a new situation (which I guess is the same thing). If boundaries are fuzzy or I'm in unfamiliar territory, wheels just keep spinning until I figure it out and it makes sense, or he makes it make sense. I think it ultimately comes from a place of wanting to please him. I don't like making mistakes (mild perfectionist flaw) and I want to do things right for him. Partial instructions, new territory, etc. leave me feeling off-balance. If I'm unsure, I want to be sure so I can do it right. It doesn't mean constant reassurance over every decision or situation is needed, new situations don't come up too often. Clarifying instructions or a simple "don't worry about it, just do it" fix it all just fine.
*snip*

I totally hate not knowing what it is expected from me. I think as pyl we often get hung up on "doing it right" instead of just "doing it". Hence "Just do it" is the best way to shut up my mind and for the PYL to get my obedience.