"Night Night"

[My Erotic Tail]

nite nite

Hump night..."Ready?'...hehehe

well it was hotter than a happy lab today
rained frogs and
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Do Teens Show Too Much Skin?

A teenage granddaughter comes
downstairs for her date with a see through
blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother
just pitched a fit, telling her not to
dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times. You got let
your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.


The next day the teenager comes downstairs,
and the grandmother is sitting
here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.


She explainsto her grandmother that
she has friends coming over and that it
is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GRANDPARENTS & GRANDKIDS

An elderly woman and her little grandson,
whose face was sprinkled

>with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of children were waiting in line to get their
cheeks painted by a local artist who was
decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's
no place to paint!" a girl in
the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His
grandmother knelt down next to him.
"I love your freckles. When I was
a little girl I always wanted freckles,
she said, while tracing her
finger across the child's cheek.
"Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment,
peered intensely into his
grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Computer Errors

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold the computer guy,
to come over. Harold clicked a couple of
buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a
minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid,
but nonetheless inquired,
"An, ID ten T error? What's that,
in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten Terror before?"
"No," I replied.
Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightly comment:
Worry, uses todays strength on tomorrows
problems....

Nightly read:Superstitions Ch 7
Owls give a 'Hoot'..

"Night Night"...turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite thurs

Another day gone and on...
comes the urge to yawn...
curl up and ..."Ready?"

If only life could be like a computer

If you messed up your life,
you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start
all over!

To get your daily exercise,
just click on "run"! If you needed a break from
life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors,
turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life,
click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance,
just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover
from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW"
and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

Nightly read:````````````````

The pickle jar...
...as far back as I can
remember sat on the floor beside the
dresser in my parents' bedroom.
When he got ready for bed, Dad would empty
his pockets and toss his coins into the jar.
As a small boy I was always
fascinated at the sounds the coins
made as they were dropped into the jar.

They landed with a merry jingle when
the jar was almost empty. Then the
tones gradually muted to a dull thud
as the jar was filled. I used to squat
on the floor in front of the jar and
admire the copper and silver circles
that glinted like a pirate's treasure
when the sun poured through the
bedroom window.

When the jar was filled, Dad would
sit at the kitchen table and roll the
coins before taking them to the bank.
Taking the coins to the bank was
always a big production. Stacked
neatly in a small cardboard box, the coins
were placed between Dad and me on
the seat of his old truck.

Each and every time, as we drove to the
bank, Dad would look at me
hopefully. "Those coins are going to
keep you out of the textile mill, son.
You're going to do better than me.
This old mill town's not going to hold
you back."

Also, each and every time, as he slid
the box of rolled coins across the
counter at the bank toward the cashier,
he would grin proudly. "These are
for my son's college fund. He'll never
work at the mill all his life like me."

We would always celebrate each
deposit by stopping for an ice cream cone. I
always got chocolate. Dad always got vanilla.
When the clerk at the ice cream parlor handed
Dad his change, he would show me the
few coins nestled in his palm.
"When we get home, we'll start filling the jar again."

He always let me drop the first coins into
the empty jar. As they rattled
around with a brief, happy jingle,
we grinned at each other. "You'll get to
college on pennies, nickels, dimes and
quarters," he said. "But you'll get
there. I'll see to that."

The years passed, and I finished college
and took a job in another town.
Once, while visiting my parents,
I used the phone in their bedroom, and
noticed that the pickle jar was gone.
It had served its purpose and had been
removed. A lump rose in my throat as
I stared at the spot beside the dresser
where the jar had always stood.
My dad was a man of few words, and never
lectured me on the values of determination,
perseverance, and faith. The
pickle jar had taught me all these virtues
far more eloquently than the most
flowery of words could have done.

When I married, I told my wife Susan
about the significant part the lowly
pickle jar had played in my life as a boy.
In my mind, it defined, more than
anything else, how much my dad had
loved me. No matter how rough things got
at home, Dad continued to doggedly
drop his coins into the jar.

Even the summer when Dad got laid
off from the mill, and Mama had to serve
dried beans several times a week,
not a single dime was taken from the jar.
To the contrary, as Dad looked across
the table at me, pouring catsup over
my beans to make them more palatable,
he became more determined than ever to
make a way out for me.

"When you finish college, Son,"
he told me, his eyes glistening, "You'll
never have to eat beans again...unless you want to."

The first Christmas after our daughter
Jessica was born, we spent the
holiday with my parents. After dinner,
Mom and Dad sat next to each other on
the sofa, taking turns cuddling their
first grandchild. Jessica began to
whimper softly, and Susan took her
from Dad's arms. "She probably needs to
be changed," she said, carrying the
baby into my parents' bedroom to diaper her.

When Susan came back into the living room,
there was a strange mist in her
eyes. She handed Jessica back to Dad before
taking my hand and leading me
into the room. "Look," she said softly,
her eyes directing me to a spot on
the floor beside the dresser. To my
amazement, there, as if it had never
been removed, stood the old pickle jar,
the bottom already covered with
coins. I walked over to the pickle jar,
dug down into my pocket, and pulled
out a fistful of coins. With a gamut
of emotions choking me, I dropped the
coins into the jar.

I looked up and saw that Dad, carrying
Jessica, had slipped quietly into the
room. Our eyes locked, and I knew he
was feeling the same emotions I felt.
Neither one of us could speak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
nightly comment:
putting coins in my pickle jar...Thanks Deb~

"Night Night" Turns out the light...

 

[someplace]

Have a good weekend everyone!

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Friday night~

"Night Night Time," ...smiles...
opens my book of tales,
"Ready?"...(~_*)


I wake up in the morning, And can hardly wait to see If I've received a mailing, addressed from you to me. I get my putter running And much to my delight, Your poems, jokes and other things Come quickly into sight. Please keep those emails coming, They are so enjoyable you see Funny things, friendly things Those things you mail to me. But most of all the fun of it, Is knowing that they came. From you my friend, The one I need not name. This is a test of the Emergency Friendship System.

....a Friend does most or all of these...
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And
now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.


2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life....
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.


3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll
probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep
your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
.``````````````````````````````````
A man is sitting reading his newspaper
when the wife sneaks up behind him
and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"'What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your
trouser pockets with the name
Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says. "Two weeks ago
when I went to the races,
Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the
horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and at this apologises.

Three days later he's again sitting in
his chair reading when she nails him
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking
him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again

"what was that for?!"


"Your f---king horse phoned."
.............................

hehehe (Mrs. Ed)...lmao
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:
When you have one eye on your destination..
that only leaves one eye to watch your way.

Nightly read: Weekend at the lake
a Nude day contest story...by Joseki ko

"Night Night...this friday night...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite nite 4th

The Night of the Fourth of July is upon us.
"Ready for the fire works of tales?"
curl up and absorb some humor.

Happy July 4th to everyone...
Fire works is a celebration but it is also a
reminder of the sounds of gun fire and
cannons that played the crucial part in
delivering us to freedom. So enjoy and
remember our fore fathers who heard
the sounds of battle...not celebration
but I saw some fire works last night...
they tend to bring the forth of july alive
in a pleasant way. Have a great day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas!"
thanks D~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is another one i just had to share, it sounds Sooo much like something i would have said too lol

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age,the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
thanks S~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a fo! olish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach
out and tell someone what they mean
to you. Because when you decide that it is
the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most
importantly, stay close to your friends and family,
for they have helped make you the person that you are
today. Thanks S~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20 Rules of Wisdom
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
------------------------------------------------------
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's me.
------------------------------------------------------
3. Growing old is inevitable, growing UP is optional.
-------------------------------------------------------
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always
open.
-----------------------------------------------------
5. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never
misquoted.
------------------------------------------------------
6.You do the math. Count your blessings.
-----------------------------------------------------
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
-----------------------------------------------------
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
-----------------------------------------------------
9. If you worry, don't pray. If you pray...don't
worry.
------------------------------------------------------
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling
home everyday.
-----------------------------------------------------
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be
bent out of shape.
-----------------------------------------------------
12. THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR HOME ARE THE
PEOPLE!
----------------------------------------------------
13. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still;
God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
----------------------------------------------------
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry
--------------------------------------------------
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
---------------------------------------------------
16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life is
moving too fast - so enjoy your precious moments.
----------------------------------------------------
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it,
otherwise it's just
hearsay.
--------------------------------------------------
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now
and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
--------------------------------------------------------
19. Surviving and living your life successfully
requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking
require courage and risk taking. Learn from the
turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its
neck.
-----------------------------------------------------
20. Be more concerned with your character than your
reputation, because your character is what you really
are, while your reputation is merely what others think
you are.
Thanks D~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nightly comment:
Arm your self for the daily war zone...the battle
of words and wit...heres some ammo...

*Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating
concepts into your blighted and retarded world-view.

*I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's
hard to pronounce.

*Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.

*I can see your point, but I still think you're full
of it.

*I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and
stupid.

*What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

*I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

*I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go
away.

*I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.

*I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I
had about you.

*It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to
burn off.

*Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.

*How about never? Is never good for you?

*I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to worship me.

*You sound reasonable... time to up my medication.

*You're just jealous because the little voices talk to
ME.

*I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

*I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message...

*I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

*Who me? I just wander from room to room.

*I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed
person.

Nightly read: Annora's Red Doors ch 08
Let the fire works begin...Sam and Abbey are back
together in this sizzling love story, behind red doors.

"Night Night" ...and happy forth of July to you...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

mONDAY nITE

nITE nITE TIME...grab a snack and
curl up let me tuck ya in and open...
my fly...I meant book of tales...

I saw a wasp carry a Bee today...
I try to learn something from everything,
but this one aludes me. I don't know if the
Bee was alive but it wasn't moving. The
wasp carried it about eye level across the
drive off into the woods. The bee hive is
on the other side of the building. Not sure if
the wasp opened up a taxi service for tired
working bees? But I doub't it...

Dr. Visit

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
^a Tube of K-Y jelly; ^^ a rubber glove; ^^^and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RULES OF LIFE

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch,' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:
I took my "T" time today...have you?
When the british sit to relax its with Tea!
a subtle gesture of a moment to reflect, socialize
or converse. The umpire or referee will make the
'T" sign for time out. Hince "T" time...its a moment when
things start to swirl and a flood of thoughts and
events overwelm you slightly. You take a moment
to check the vitals so to speak. Deep breath and
try to relax...I roll my neck and check for tension.
Recall who what and where I am. Of course Zen
will be directed once If evaluated the problems and
found which objective to achieve first. Then back to
playing life....hehehehe...time out over back in the
game coach....hehehehe

Nightly read:
Found this while hunting a nightly read...
a great poem...The Loons by Tristesse
I love the call of the loons across the river on
a sun setting evening. Tranquility at its best then
the call of the loon, a distinct and heart felt sound.

"Night Night" Turns out the light....

 

[bamagirl]

Art is having some computer problems and sent this to my email to post for him.

Night has come and I am ready...are you?
curl up and read youeself to nite nite...

I had to make a repair run to Eagle Pass TX
on the mexican Texas border...it was a very
long drive and thats why their was no nite nite
the last two nights....but I'm back.

My co-worker/ rider for this all day drive there
and all day drive back told me a story I thought
I would share...now "Randy" like me...loves to
hunt...we were swapping hunting stories when
we fell into a conversation about pets. My lab
was a great retriever and he told me about his pet
and how he came to be the owner.

He said he was out hunting in bedias, tx. out in the
middle of no where, he was loading his truck to leave
when a calico cat ran up and jumped in his truck.
well he tried to coax the cat out then decided to drive
around and see if there was a house around someplace
but there wasn't the cat curled up in his lap and rode
home with him. It was house broke...would go to the
door and meow...he let it out and it would go for a bit
come back and meow wanting back in.

I asked him what he named the cat...he said he
named it "Rover" for it was a dog in drag...a transvestite
in the canine world. Said this cat acted more liks a
dog than a cat...so he treats it like his other dogs
and they all get along fine....hehehehe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is long...but too funny not to share!!

Rudy the Adventure Cat

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck
in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be
funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine.

Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home
remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case
of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband Rich and I had just returned from a 5 day vacation in the Cayman
Islands--where I had been sick as a dog the whole time. We arrived home at 9
p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems.
I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had
not been able to prepare for the class I was supposed to teach
at 8:40 the next morning.

I sat down at my desk to think about William Carlos Williams, and around ten
o'clock I heard Rich hollering from the kitchen.

I raced over to see what was wrong and spied Rich frantically rooting around
under the kitchen sink and Rudy--or, rather, Rudy's headless body--scrambling
around in the sink, his claws clicking in panic on the metal and his head
stuck in the garbage disposal. Rich had just ground up the skin of some smoked
salmon in the disposal, and when he left the room,
Rudy (who always was a pinhead) had gone in after it.

It is very disturbing to see the headless body of your cat in the sink. This
is an animal that I have slept with nightly for ten years, who burrows under
the covers and purrs against my side, and who now looked like a fur-covered
turkey carcass, defrosting in the sink while it's still alive and kicking. It
was also disturbing to see Rich, Mr. Calm-in-any-Emergency, at his wit's end,
trying to simultaneously soothe Rudy and undo the garbage disposal, and failing
at both, and basically freaking out.

Adding to the chaos was Rudy's twin brother Lowell, also upset, racing around
in circles, jumping onto the kitchen counter and alternately licking Rudy's
butt for comfort and biting it out of fear. Clearly, I had to do something.

First we tried to ease Rudy out of the disposal by lubricating his head and
neck with Johnson's baby shampoo (kept on hand for my nieces' visits) and
butter-flavored Crisco. Both failed, and a now-greasy Rudy kept struggling.
Rich
then decided to take apart the garbage disposal, which was a good idea, but he
couldn't do it. Turns out, the thing is constructed like a metal onion: you
peel off one layer and another one appears, with Rudy's head
still buried deep inside, stuck in a hard plastic collar.

My job during this process was to sit on the kitchen counter petting Rudy,
trying to calm him, with the room spinning (vertigo), Lowell howling (he's part
Siamese), and Rich clattering around under the sink with his tools.

When all our efforts failed, we sought professional help. I called our
regular plumber, who actually called me back quickly, even at 11 o'clock at
night
(thanks, Dave). He talked Rich through further layers of disposal dismantling,
but still we couldn't reach Rudy.

I called the 1-800 number for Insinkerator (no response), a pest removal
service that advertises 24-hour service (no response), an all-night emergency
veterinary clinic (who had no experience in this matter), and finally, in
desperation, 9-1-1. I could see that Rudy's normally pink paw pads were
turning
blue. The fire department, I figured, gets cats out of trees; maybe they could
get one out of a garbage disposal.

The dispatcher had other ideas and offered to send over two policemen. The
cops arrived close to midnight and turned out to be quite nice. More
importantly, they were also able to think rationally, which we were not. They
were, of
course, astonished by the situation.

"I've never seen anything like this," Officer Mike kept saying. (The unusual
circumstances helped us get quickly on a first- name basis with our cops.)
Officer Tom, who expressed immediate sympathy for our plight ("I've had cats
all my life," he said), also had an idea. Evidently we needed a certain
tool, a tiny, circular rotating saw, that could cut through the heavy plastic
flange encircling Rudy's neck without hurting Rudy. Officer Tom happened to own
one. "I live just five minutes from here," he said. "I'll go get it."

He soon returned, and the three of them--Rich and the two policemen--got
under the sink together to cut through the garbage disposal. I sat on the
counter, holding Rudy and trying not to succumb to the surreal-ness of the
scene,
with the weird middle-of-the-night lighting, the room's occasional spinning,
Lowell's spooky sound effects, an apparently headless cat in my
sink and six disembodied legs poking out from under it.

One good thing came of this: the guys did manage to get the bottom off the
disposal, so we could now see Rudy's face and knew he could breathe. But they
couldn't cut the flange without risking the cat. Stumped.

Officer Tom had another idea. "You know," he said, "I think the reason we
can't get him out is the angle of his head and body. (you can see where this is
going, can't you?) "If we could just get the sink out," he continued, "and
lay it on its side, I'll bet we could slip him out."

That sounded like a good idea--at this point, ANYTHING would have sounded
like a good idea--and as it turned out, Officer Mike runs a plumbing business on
weekends; he knew how to take out the sink! Again they went to work, the
three pairs of legs sticking out from under the sink, surrounded by an
ever-increasing pile of tools and sink parts.

They cut the electrical supply, capped off the plumbing lines, unfastened the
metal clamps, unscrewed all the pipes, and about an hour later, voila! The
sink was lifted gently out of the countertop, with one guy holding the garbage
disposal which contained Rudy's head) up close to the sink (which
contained Rudy's body). We laid the sink on its side, but even at this more
favorable angle, Rudy stayed stuck. Officer Tom's radio beeped, calling him
away on some kind of real police business. As he was leaving, though, he
had another good idea. "You know," he said, "I don't think we can get
him out while he's struggling so much. We need to get the cat sedated. If
he were limp, we could slide him out."

And off he went, regretfully, a cat lover still worried about Rudy. The
remaining three of us decided that getting Rudy sedated was a good idea, but
Rich
and I were new to the area. We knew that the overnight emergency veterinary
clinic was only a few minutes away, but we didn't know exactly how to get there.
"I know where it is!" declared Officer Mike. "Follow me!"

So Mike got into his patrol car, Rich got into the driver's seat of our car,
and I got into the back, carrying the kitchen sink, what was left of the
garbage disposal, and Rudy. It was now about 2:00 a.m. We followed Officer
Mike
for a few blocks when I decided to put my hand into the garbage disposal to pet
Rudy's face, hoping I could comfort him.

Instead, my sweet, gentle bedfellow chomped down on my finger really hard and
wouldn't let go. My scream reflex kicked into gear. Rich slammed on
the brakes, hollering "What? What happened? Should I stop?"

"No," I managed to get out between screams, "just keep driving. Rudy's
biting me, but we've got to get to the vet. Just go!" Rich turned his attention
back to the road, where Officer Mike took a turn we hadn't expected, and we
followed. After a few minutes Rudy let go, and as I stopped screaming, I looked
up to discover that we were wandering aimlessly through an industrial park, in
and out of empty parking lots, past little streets that didn't look at all
familiar.

"Where's he taking us?" I asked. "We should have been there ten minutes
ago!" Rich was as mystified as I was, but all we knew to do was follow the
police
car until, finally, he pulled into a church parking lot and we pulled up next
to him. As Rich rolled down the window to ask Officer Mike, where are were
going, the cop, who was not Mike, rolled down his window and asked,
"Why are you following me?"

Once Rich and I recovered from our shock at having tailed the wrong cop car
and the policeman from his pique at being stalked, he led us quickly to the
emergency vet, where Mike greeted us by holding open the door, exclaiming "Where
were you guys???"

It was lucky that Mike got to the vet's ahead of us, because we hadn't
thought to call and warn them about what was coming. (Clearly, by this time we
weren't really thinking at all.) We brought in the kitchen sink containing
Rudy,
and the garbage disposal containing his head, and the clinic staff was ready.
They took his temperature (which was down 10 degrees) and his oxygen level
(which was half of normal), and the vet declared, "This cat is in serious shock.
We've got to sedate him and get him out of there immediately." When I asked
if it was OK to sedate a cat in shock, the vet said grimly, "We don't have a
choice."

With that, he injected the cat. Rudy went limp and the vet squeezed about
half a tube of K-Y jelly onto the cat's neck and pulled him free. Then the
whole team jumped into "code blue" mode. (I know this from watching a lot of
ER.)
They laid Rudy on a cart where one person hooked up IV fluids, another put
little socks on his paws ("You'd be amazed how much heat they
lose through their footpads," she said), one covered him with hot water
bottles and a blanket, and another took a blow-dryer to warm up Rudy's now very
gunky head.

The fur on his head dried in stiff little spikes, making him look
pathetically punk as he lay there, limp and motionless. At this point they
sent Rich, Mike, and me to sit in the waiting room while they tried to bring
Rudy back to life. I told Mike he didn't have to stay, but he just stood there,
shaking his head. "I've never seen anything like this," he said again and
again.

At about 3 a.m., the vet came in to tell us that the prognosis was good for
a full recovery. They needed to keep Rudy overnight to re-hydrate him and
give him something for the brain swelling they assumed he had, but if all went
well, we could take him home the following night. Just in time to hear the
good news, Officer Tom rushed in, finished with his real police work and
concerned about Rudy.

Rich and I got back home about 3:30. We hadn't unpacked from our trip, I was
still intermittently dizzy, and I still hadn't prepared for my 8:40 class.
"I need a vacation," I said, and while I called the office to leave a message
canceling my class, Rich made us a pitcher of martinis.

I slept late the next day and then badgered the vet about Rudy's condition
until he said that Rudy could come home later that day. I was working on the
suitcases when the phone rang. "Hi, this is Steve Huskey from the Norristown
Times-Herald," a voice said. "Listen, I was just going through the police
blotter from last night. Um, do you have a cat?"

So I told Steve the whole story, which interested him immensely. A couple
hours later he called back to say that his editor was interested, too; did I
have a picture of Rudy? The next day Rudy was front-page news, under the
ridiculous headline "Catch of the Day Lands Cat in Hot Water."

There were some noteworthy repercussions to the newspaper article. Mr.
Huskey had somehow inferred that I called 9-1-1 because I thought Rich, my
husband,
was going into shock, although how he concluded this from my comment that
"his pads were turning blue," I don't quite understand. So the
first thing I had to do was call Rich at work--Rich, who had worked
tirelessly to free Rudy--and swear that I had been misquoted.

When I arrived at work myself, I was famous; people had been calling my
secretary all morning to inquire about Rudy's health. When I called our regular
vet (whom I had met only once) to make a follow-up appointment for Rudy, the
receptionist asked, "Is this the famous Rudy's mother?" When I took my car in
for routine maintenance a few days later, Dave, my mechanic,
said, "We read about your cat. Is he OK?" When I called a tree surgeon
about my dying red oak, he asked if I knew the person on that street whose cat
had
been in the garbage disposal. And when I went to get my hair cut, the
shampoo person told me the funny story her grandma had read in the paper, about
a
cat that got stuck in the garbage disposal.

Even today, over a year later, people ask about Rudy, which a 9-year-old
neighbor had always called "the Adventure Cat" because he used to climb on the
roof of her house and peer in the second-story window at her.

I don't know what the moral of this story is, but I do know that this
"adventure" cost me $1,100 in emergency vet bills, follow-up vet care, new sink,
new
plumbing, new electrical wiring, and new garbage disposal--one with a cover.
The vet can no longer say he's seen everything but the kitchen sink.

I wanted to thank Officers Tom and Mike by giving them gift certificates to
the local hardware store, but was told that they couldn't accept gifts, that I
would put them in a bad position if I tried. So I wrote a letter to the
Police Chief praising their good deeds and sent individual thank you notes to
Tom
and Mike, complete with pictures of Rudy, so they could see what he looks like
with his head on.

And Rudy, whom we originally got for free (or so we thought), still sleeps
with me-under the covers on cold nights, and, unaccountably, still sometimes
prowls the sink, hoping for fish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is such a magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are announced



Darwin Awards are out for 2004 ...

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner
was
the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him
as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year
in reverse order are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in
his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing
both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed
225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle
shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the
filter
canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the
hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown,
and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.


4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these
straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his
car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than
the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend,
no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a
gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of
one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast
had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER..... 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome,
Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on
the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed
and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a
normal stance, and the scrotum was the
weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
injury,
Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightly comment:
Ring tailed squirrlels to mexican cara cara EAGLES,
DOVES AND A GREAT BIG BUCK with horns in velvet
wild turkeys and horn toads...all were the hosts
of Comanche Ranch south texas...hunting resort
extrodinare. I had a great little get away...but
glad to be back...huggles ..oh brought home
some pickled quail eggs....yummy.

Nightly
read:Atlantis
Revisited Ch 01
This tales mysterious and erotic, an excellent story.

"Night Night" turns out the light

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Night Night~

The days seem long and hot...
works been busy and the computers
actin' up. But nite has cum .."Ready?"


I am passing this on to you because it works and we all could use a little calm!!! By following the simple advice I read in an article,
people can finally find inner peace. The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started
and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning
I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, the
bottles of Bailey's, Kahlua and my Jack Daniels, a package of Oreos, the Prozac Bottle, some Valium, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner peace.

he he he
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kerry the Native American


During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 for every Indian issue ever introduced.


Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential
candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle.


After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that
Running Eagle is a bird so full of shit it can't fly.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbor, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he
went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Chinese man.

"I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face.

The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, youhave to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SURVIVOR - - -TEXAS STYLE
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas
is planning to do its
own, entitled Survivor-Texas Style".
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to
Waco, Austin, San Antonio,
over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will
then proceed up to Del
Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa,
Lubbock, and Amarillo. From
there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and
finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper
stickers that read:
"I'm gay"
"I love the Dixie Chicks"
"I'm a vegetarian"
"I voted for Al Gore"
"Hillary in 2008!"
"To Hell with Lone Star drink French Wine"
"Give the Alamo back to the Mexicans"
"I saw Farenheit 9-11 32 times"
"I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive,
wins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightly comment:
In this out of the way village there was a man called "Onestone". This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because he had only one testicle.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more. Then one day a young lady forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."

Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?



"You can't kill two birds with one stone."

Nightly Read:Owls give a hoot'


"Night Night...turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Night Night

"Night Night" covers you up and tucks
ya in snug...sits down and opens my
book of tails...for a nite nite laugh.
"Ready?"

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get help.

The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched
for the farmer, but to no avail for he had gone to town with the
tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.

Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope,
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny car. He managed to get a hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him after tying the other end to the rear bumper of the car.

The chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse. Happy and proud the chicken drove the car back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented. Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his thing and he would lift him out. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him out saving his life.

The Moral Of The Story.....

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer's wife decided to kill a rooster for their dinner.
Her husband was the one who did the butchering but he was
away and the wife was too squeamish to cut the rooster's
head off so she settled on hitting it over the head with a rolling pin.

As she was pulling the last of its feather's off the rooster revived and started squawking loudly. The woman felt sorry for the rooster so shemade a little suit for it and put it back in the barnyard.

A while later the farmer came into the kitchen roaring with laughter Thewife asked the farmer what he was laughing at.

Said the farmer "I just saw the funniest sight. A rooster
was holding a hen down with one foot and trying to open his
fly with the other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry, "said the doctor. "I really am....I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the man said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:

Literary Art makes me smile...

..(\ /)
(^ . ^)
..('') ('')
~~~~~~
.. (\ /)
=(*.*)=
(''') (''')
.. ( )
(''') (''')
~~~~~~~~
..__
..@.@
(( ))
..ii..ii
////
~~~~
nightly read: Drunk on Wednesdays by perdita
congradulations....great story (~_*)

"Night Night" turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite

another day gone with the sun
up comes the moon and nite nite
"Ready?"...see if this one tickles your funny bone.


Warning: Don't Step on the Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says,
"Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps
accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping
on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes on ...
very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I
did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a duck!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORDS TO LIVE BY

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look
good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that
can be recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the
decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see
that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the
same time, because then you don't
have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.


Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

(my personal favorite...
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and
all are different colors but they all
have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can
enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their
retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled
shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her
hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could
buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be
much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of
two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked,"I can't hear a word your're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."


Have an awesome night, and know that
someone has thought about you tonight....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:
words that are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk: Innovative >
Preliminary > Proliferation > Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity > British Constitution > Passive-aggressive disorder >
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When
You're Drunk: Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
Nope, no more booze for me. > Sorry, but you're not really
my type. No kebab for me, thank you. > Good evening officer,
isn't it lovely out tonight? > I'm not interested in fighting you. > Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. > No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination. > Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.

nightly read:Cathederal Grove ...by Tristesse
excellent poetry


"Night night" ...turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

sat nite

Saturday night......"Ready?"
"How ya been?"...^5

"Once upon a time"
Stacey, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial
insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show
him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the
artificial insemination man arrives. Stacey takes him down the
long row of cows, until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is
the one.

This one, right here!" . Terribly impressed, the man asks, How
did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "By the nail over it's
stall," Stacey explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
As she walks away she tells him, "I guess it's to hang your pants
on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said,"Where will you sleep tonight?"

She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."

The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."

The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt
sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and
offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk.

Without much ado, the sarge got in
and then said,
"Do you want to sleep single or married?"

The girl giggled and said,
"It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you?"

"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep
'married' then," he said turning his back on her
and fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nightly comment:
PROBLEM: Two videos are for sale - Which to buy?

Titanic or The Clinton Video?

Titanic - $9.99 on Internet
Clinton- $9.99 on Internet

Titanic: Over 3 hours long
Clinton: Over 3 hours long

Titanic: The story of Jack & Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill & Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of SEAMEN.
Clinton: Monica.... uh, never mind.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary. . . basically the same thing

Nightly read:
APARTMENT FOR RENT
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event
was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following noteear Sir,First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

"Night Night" Turns out the light....

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite mon

"Ready?"...hehehe...
curl up into a nightly read...grin


One fine summer morning in Dodge City, Chester the deputy woke up with a
huge erection. Not knowing what to do, he consulted Marshal Dillon.

"Marshal, Marshal...," said Chester, "I woke up with a hard-on and don't know what ta do!!,"

Marshal Dillon tells Chester, "Well, go out to the stables and shovel manure for a while and that should take care of it."

So Chester begins shoveling. After a while,

Miss Kitty comes walking by and asks "Chester, what are you d oing?"

"Well, Miss Kitty, I woke up with a hard-on and I didn't know what ta do wid it. Marshal Dillon told me to come out here and shovel manure for a while."

Raising her dress enough to expose herself Miss Kitty exclaims, "Why don't you just stick it in here, Chester?" Chester says, "The whole shovel full, Miss Kitty??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you,"
said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied,
"I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned
to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa.

"How else can I catch my teeth???"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The father of five children had won a
toy at a raffle. He called his
kids together to ask which one
should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his
desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was sitting in his second
grade class when he looked out
the window and saw two dogs screwing
in the school yard. He jumped up
and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said,
"Teacher, what was those two dogs
doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top
had a broken leg, and the dog on
the bottom was helping him get home.

Little Johnny then said,
"Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to
help someone out and end up getting screwed?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:
like the sands in an hour glass...
we'er either sitting waiting or
falling...he he he ...enjoy the ride!!!

nightly read:Greetings your majesty by Jo

"Night Night" ....turns out the light....

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite

huggles...curl up and read a nite nite...
"How are ya?"

"Ready?"

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman "can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

" I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph.

The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

100yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"


hehehehe...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over
his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:
the grass is green and the sun is shineing...somewhere.


nightly read:
Bathtime surprise by Dirty Angel...
love those bath time play times...hehehe

"Night Night" turns out the light....

 

[My Erotic Tail]

tgif

Tgif...bring on the week end...
its friday night and the sun's going down.
time for a night night tale...hehehe...
"ready?"

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his
name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford whathe had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in theexamining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she gave Buford a blood test,
a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford
to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what
he had. Buford said Shingles. The doctor looked at him
and asked, "Where?"

Buford said, "Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to put them?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the
doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They
bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered,
rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a
dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's
give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse
than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired
than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the
doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest
pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but
I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I
finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the
pill!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The Boudreauxs are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. Marie is behind the wheel.

Boudreaux suddenly looks across at her and speaks in his clear cajun voice.
"Darlin'," he says. "I know we ben' married for twenty years, but I
want a divorce."

Marie Says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph.

Boudreaux speaks again. "I doan want you to try to tok me out of it,"
he says, "'cause ah ben havin' anaffair wit you best friend, Tu-tutt ,
an' she's a far betta' lover den you are."

Again Marie stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck.
"I want duh house", he says insistently.

Up to 60...

"I want duh car too," he continues. Up to 65 mph...

"An'," he says. "I'll have duh bank accounts, all duh credit cards an'
duh boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
make him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her. "Isn't dere anyting' you want?"

Marie at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I' got
everyting I need," she says.

"Really?" he inquires with a smile, "so what you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, Marie turns to him and
smiles. " Duh airbag!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:
Why ENGLISH Is So Hard To Learn......


1 The bandage was wound around the wound.

2 The farm was used to produce produce.

3 The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4 We must polish the Polish furniture.

5 He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6 The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7 Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present.

8 A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9 When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10 I did not object to the object.

11 The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12 There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13 They were too close to the door to close it.

14 The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15 A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16 To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17 The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18 After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19 Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20 I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21 How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

nightly read:The Great Ship: The Sea Wolf
a short skip into a salty dogs world...very well done...
casts you into the this world and realm of the
"SEA WOLF"

"Night Night"...turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

saturday night

Curl up and get ready for a nite nite tail...
I meant tale...hehehe..."ready?"

King Arthur and the Witch

"Once upon a time..."
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?






Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mom And Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything.

We are fine.

Love,
Billy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

nightly comment:
nightly read:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving the country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I just can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the
entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.


If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.
Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in
harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers.

We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.

You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live
in low-rent housing. Make sense?

However, our own U.S. Congress just voted themselves a raise, and many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month, and most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They also do not receive
Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, you may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed you in harm's way receive a pension of $15,000 per month.
I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.

"When do we finally do something about this?" If this doesn't seem fair to you, it is time to forward this to as many people as you can. If you are interested there is more.......................

This must be a campaign issue in 2004. Keep it going.

SOCIAL SECURITY: (This is worth the read. It's short
and to the point.)

Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years. Our Senators and Congressmen do not pay into Social Security. Many years ago they voted in their own benefit plan. In more recent years, no congressperson has felt the need to change it. For all practical purposes their plan works like this:

When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay until they die, except it may increase from time to time for cost of living adjustments. For example, former Senator Byrd and Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw $7,800,000 - that's Seven Million, Eight Hundred Thousand), with their wives drawing $275,000.00 during the last years of their lives.

This is calculated on an average life span for each.

Their cost for this excellent plan is $00.00. These little perks they voted for themselves are free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan.

The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly from the General Fund--our tax dollars at work! From our own Social
Security Plan, which you and I pay (or have paid) into -- every payday until we retire (which amount is matched by our employer) --we can expect to get an average $1,000 per month after retirement. Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average of $1,000 monthly benefits for 68 years and one month to equal Senator Bill Bradley's benefits!

Social Security could be very good if only one small change were made. And that change would be to jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators an Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us and then watch how fast they would fix it.

"Night Night" turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite

nite nite..."ready?"...

or not here we go.........

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she took off her top and said,

"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook it up, and gargled. Then, she spit into the toilette and pulled the lever The angel said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She simply gargled and she got in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOSEY NEIGHBOR
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be HUNG."

I took a drink from my can of Coors, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am That's why she cuts the grass."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny replies.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Little Johnny went walking
around to check out his surroundings
and found a farmer selling chickens.
Little Johnny went over to the farmer
to see how much he was selling them for.

The farmer asked him if he wanted a
male or a female. Little Johnny asked
for both. So the farmer said, "Here you
go, one cock and one pullet."

Little Johnny got confused, and asked
him what he meant. The farmer said,
"A cock is a male chicken and a pullet
is a female chicken."

Little Johnny said, "Oh," and went on
his way with two chickens one under
each arm. A bit further down the road
he saw a donkey for sale.

He went to the man who was selling it
to find out how much it was. The
man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."

Little Johnny replied, "No, I want
the donkey out side in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

Little Johnny, new to these terms,
just said, "Oh," and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out,
"Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about
going over hills, so you have to scratch
him behind the ears to get him going
again."

So Little Johnny is going back home
and the donkey stops dead in its
tracks and he can't get it to move.
He can't scratch its ear because he
would have to drop one of the chickens
and it would run away.

So Little Johnny starts to fuss and yell
at the donkey. While he is doing this a
beautiful woman walks up and asks him
if he needs help.

(Little Johnny thinks, hey, why don't I try
to impress this beautiful woman by using
my new terms that I learned today.)

So Little Johnny turns to the woman and
says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and
pullet while I scratch my ass?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:...ever met an air thief?
yep they don't do nothing but breath...
live off welfare and others and steal our precious air.
"Share?"...so who has the rights to air?
the older cause they been around longer?
they're charging us for water...and won't be
long they'll charge us for the air we breathe...

Nightly read:
Annora's Red Doors 9 Some very well
thought out plot here...good job annora....

"Night Night" turns out the light....

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite nite

covers ya up and tucks ya in snug...
opens my book of tales..."Ready?"

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the
best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes
up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old?
You may enjoy this short story. While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 30 plus years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way
too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

>He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then the son of a b*tch asked,
"What did you teach?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were 2 male canaries just sitting in a cage, when
one day the door opened and a female canary was tossed in... She hated being in the cage and flew circles inside trying to find a way out.

One male canary looked at the other and said "Hey watch this"
He called to the female..."Hey I know how to get out of here" she flew over and and begged him to tell her... He said, "Meet me at the bottom of the cage."
So she flew down to where he was waiting and he said, "Gimme
some and I'll tell you."

Being desperate to escape she gave him some birdie sex....only to be told when they were done, "Ha!! Theres no way out of
here!!" He flew up and high winged the other male....Two days later the female was still trying to find a way out when the other male called to her and said, "Hey I feel sorry for you!! Meet me at the bottom of the cage
and I'll tell you how! to get out. So...she flew down and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya."

By this time she was distraught and willing to do anything, so she
gave him some birdie sex....only to be told, "Ha! Dummy theres no way out of here!"

That night the cage was covered and the female was still looking for escape.... The next morning the cover came off and to the astonishment of the male canaries the female was flying circles around the OUTSIDE of the cage!!!!! Do you know how she got out????...
...
......
.........


GIMME SOME AND I'LL TELL YA!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nightly comment:sail the wind and embrace the water
hold the warmth of a fire and absorb the earth...and not
exactly in that order...hehe he eh hey...lol

nightly read:Yin's Yang
an Illustrated story by Art...

"Night Night"...turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

sat nite

Hey Hey...it's saturday night ...woohoo
time for bed...hehehehe...curl up and read these.
hope you enjoy...."Ready?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After sixty years of marriage an elderly couple were enjoying the
evening, swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful
sunset. After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.
The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for, Ma?"

She replies: "That's for having such a small
pecker!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits there a minute and then asks, "What was that for, Pa?"

He replies, "That's for knowing the difference...

(well they ain't from texas....
everythings big in texas...
right "D"...hehehehehe ...lmao....lol...woohooo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners
at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery
department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the
surgeons, I passed several patients and their families
in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes
your anesthesiologist."


========================

Things that make you go Hmmm....
I know there are boy ladybugs, but what do you call them?

============================

*grin* It makes "them" wonder!

===========================
Woman - I think the poorest people are the happiest.
Man - Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
=========================

When you have to learn something in a hurry, it's best to jump in with both feet. Unless it's a wood chipper.
======================

They arrested some 200 visitors for ignoring the "Don't feed the birds sign." The charge was contributing to the delicacy of a mynah.
=========================
After I make breakfast in the morning, I usually have just pancake mix or sausages left over. This pleases my wife because I promised to take her for batter or for wurst.
===========================

They arrested the English teacher for swimming almost nude - she was wearing a skinny dip thong
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness. They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.

============================

On a beautiful sunny day, I set out with five other young women to go water-skiing on a nearby lake. After launching our boat, we skimmed around and stopped in the middle of the lake to get ready for skiing. The motor failed to start again, however, and we were stranded.

After we had drifted for a couple of hours, a fisherman finally came by and noticed our plight. He pulled alongside our boat and attached a towline. As we headed for shore, he looked back at the six of us, all clad in bikinis, and exclaimed,

"Wait till my wife sees this catch!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nightly comment:I have been having puter anonomalies...hehehe
not sure what's wrong other than out dated and
older than....well..any way thats my hold up for
not posting some nights...get in late from work
and find the pages won't open...It may be my
IP...but never the less I will continue to send
nite nites till the new computer appears...hehehe

Nightly read: '66 Fury ...by Joseki ko

"Night Night" Turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite nite

Night has come again...
Curl up into a little read...
pulls out my book of tails,
("oopps...I meant TALES!")
"Ready?"


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.."They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the
fire hydrant."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Children's Logic

Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y" to "i" and add 'es'."

(BABIES)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about
the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was
like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. at last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was
THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides.

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward ,and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned,
"Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Nightly comment:

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold on, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.

THIS IS THE BEST ONE

(3) Another Good Idea: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around
50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's
(60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

"Night Night," turns out the light....

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Night Knight

"Night Knight"
grab ya a snack and curl up into a
little "TALE."..."Ready?"


I doubt the authenticity of the account... but it works for me... Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be shittin' me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead!"

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who traveled the area.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired, wet, exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."


The Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said: "I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?", the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?..."

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!", the woman exclaimed...
"You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TRENTO, Italy - An Italian man who called an erotic chat
line that promised to put him through to a "hot housewife"
got the shock of his life when his wife answered. The man,
in his 50s and living in the northern town of Trento, found
his wife was driven by boredom into working for the chat
line.
[So I wonder if she charges her husband when he
calls home now...He he he.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Gas prices are so high that when I pulled into a station and
asked for a dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed
some behind my ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightly comment:

Is it just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S.
My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country.

"Night Night," Turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

TGIF NITE

A little bedtime read?
curl up into a night night..."Ready?'

pull out my book of tales...
thru the pages my finger sails...
as I find the page I want to read...
I look at you and do my nightly deed.
"Once upon a time.' look at you and smile........
there once was a shaolin priest named Da Mo...
who ventured out from his temple in search of
enlightenment to carry back to his fellow brotherin..
and share learnings from the world.

He was traveling one night when it was raining and getting dark...
he was wet, cold and tired as he found his way along
in the dark. He came to a cave. Well the gods must be
smileing on me he thought as he made his way into
this cave out of the rain. His feet stepped and crunching
sounds came from stepping on crunchy things but made
his way in farther thinking it must be wood blown
into the entrance cause not to much farther in his feet
felt soft straw that he balled up and layed down on in
this pitch black damp cave. He fell asleep from his weary
travel thinking that the gods have taken care of him this
evening and gave him shelter.....

In the middle of the night Da Mo woke up thirsty and listened
as he heard water dripping so he felt his way over to the sound and felt
what he thought was a gobblet of liquid. The water was
dripping into some container that he quickly smelled
and tasted and quinched his thirst. the gods have truely
blessed me this night he thought as he went back to
sleep. .................The next morning he awoke to find himself in a
burial cave. And saw that the crunching was bones he had stepped across,
and the straw was hair of long dead and left. and the
container of water was a skull that he had drank from.
well Da Mo got a little ill and very upset....but he went
back to his temple enlightened from a lesson he learned.
"Know what that lesson was??????????"................
......ENEMY'S OF THE MIND..................every thing was a
blessing till his mind had told him that it was not. The
mind rejected its blessings once the mind knew what
was given to him to comfort him........and his bodies...
his needs were met...but the mind rejected them...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. "Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~`~~~~~~~

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He
spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The
members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside
and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this
woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out
what happened!"

The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a
natural occurrence ... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at
that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say
anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two male casino workers were waiting at a craps
table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and
bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the
dice.

She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she
stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered
"Yes! yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down
and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up
all the money and her clothes and departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were
watching."

Moral of the story: not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.

"Night night" ...turns out the light...

 

[bamagirl]

Art is having problems with his computer again,so I am posting this for him


Curl up into a night night tale...


On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and
wearing her beautiful robe! . The proud husband says, "My dear, we
are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman
opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he
exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes, my dear, so I can
carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes
her picture and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes
out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a
robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she
exclaims, "OH, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture." He beams and
asks, "Why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"
..............................................................................
.............................

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve
it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this
with the "Three Kick Rule.""

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second
kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now
it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the time he was a blind date. We went out with some friends of ours
who hooked us up together. We were in a bar and the place was packed. I
wasn't to thrilled about him and I was pretty cocky. He spend the whole time
talking about work and I was tired of it. I asked him if he wanted to see my
Tweety
bird tattoo. My girlfriend said "Oh yeah show him your tattoo! He'll love it."
He said okay and I said it's on my butt! The
whole place got quiet! I started to pull down my pants and asked if he
saw it.

He said, "no."

So I pulled them down a bit more. "Do you see it?"

"No"

So I pulled them down farther. (By then I had a whole room full of an
audience. They were all gathered around). He gets down off his stool and
looks really close at my butt and I ask if he sees it. By this time he
is getting a bit embarrassed and says again. "no."

So I say "Dammit my pussy must have ate it!"

He was so red! The whole place was laughing! We have now been married 6 years
with 2 kids and to this day he still buys me Tweety birds.

"Night Night" ...turns out the light

 

[bamagirl]

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
--------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out
awhile...better be a reward.
-----------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale
-------------------------------
..............................................................................
...

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubb
-------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once
-----------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
------------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE): FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set
of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month.
Wife knows everything

..............................................................................
....................................................
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the
artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my
husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want
his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
..............................................................................
................................................

Baptist Bathroom

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her
and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for
reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground
was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write
the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned
term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not
comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and
wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure
out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers,
one of whom suggested
the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was
letterhead on the paper which
referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.


Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful
grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit
of going regularly. No doubt
you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time,
and it is open on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take
their lunch and make a day of it.

The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the
quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met
her husband there.
We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats,
as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.
It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her
very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older,
it seems to be more of an effort,
especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you
the first time you go, sit with you, and
introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.

I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

"Night Night" turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite nite

curl up for nightly read:
"ready?"

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent
piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the
other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin,
the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can
simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."
..........................................................................

A woman was charged with speeding by the police. But she was
convinced she hadn't been speeding at all. When she appeared before the court, she said that she didn't trust the radar gun the police were using when they caught her.

She then suggested that the radar gun that recorded her speed be brought to court and tested. It was. It was pointed at the judge sitting at the bench and recorded him as traveling at 122 miles per hour.
==============================

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they
wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, John chimed in, "Yep silver - - to match her
hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said,
"So John, I guess you are going barefoot?
===============================

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police
officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and
I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

nightly read: Annora's Red Doors #10

"Night night" turns out the light....

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite nite

A nite nite tale?
I read this and had to share...

I been busier than a beaver in a drought.
I went by the ranch today and saw the horses.
They're fat and sassy and need rode. The love bugs
have been so bad that you would think my car is black.
Now two bugs stuck together floating around by the millions
and a car going 65 mph you get the picture, whats the last
thing to go through there minds when they hit my windshield?
Their partner....ewwwwwwwwwww


<< A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck.. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.




At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the
cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot,
"Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house"

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.

But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessings to all my crackpot friends.

Night Night....turns out the light....(~_*)