"Night Night"

[someplace]

That is the BEST story. I'm putting it in my scrapbook. Thank you for sharing!

 

[cloudy]

Good to see you back, Art. You've been missed.

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite

Nite Nite...
it's late but a little tail never hurt
anybody...I mean't tale......<snicker>
Been backsliding on my nite nites...
but like the yin and yang sometimes slow
sometimes busy...gotta play like the ant
and save for winter....grasshopper...hehehehe

"Once upon a time..."

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his
office.

This is how their conversation went:

"Sister, I want to show you something."

"What is it, Father?

"Come into my private room & close the blinds."

"WHAT?!"

"I said....."

"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying
it!"

"Well, I really need you to come in."

Curious, the nun does as she is told.

"Here, sit on the bed beside me."

"I have to get out of here."

"Aren't you the least bit curious?"

Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.

"Get under the covers."

"WHAT?????!!!!!"

The nun was really freaking out.

"It doesn't work otherwise!"

After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.

He whispers: "Come closer."

Nervously, she does get closer.

" See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch
does glow in the
dark!!!!"
=============================================
SOUTHERN ACCENT REQUIRED

An Outsider in a small Alabama town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity
Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation,
he left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter
about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your
Bibles!"

The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some pages,
and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three
wise men came from afar.'"
===========================================

Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southern Republican? With
elections coming up, we should all decide. Here is a little test that
may help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between a Democrat, a
Republican and a Southern Republican?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises
the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an
expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would in spire him to attack?
Could
we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing
the
gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound
me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while
he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends
for a
few days and try to come to a consensus.

Jim

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer: BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter's voice, "Nice
grouping,
Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(""Oh My" wasn't there only one man and one knife...lol)


Nightly comment...
What is monosexual???
unmarried..and sex is self induced???
or one on one as in married?
Or only one sexual preference?

Night Night read: Annora's Red Doors ch 11 Each chapter in a tale in it's self, wonderfull work L~

Night Night" Turns out the light

 

[My Erotic Tail]

nite

Nite Nite...
it's late but a little tail never hurt
anybody...I mean't tale......<snicker>
Been backsliding on my nite nites...
but like the yin and yang sometimes slow
sometimes busy...gotta play like the ant
and save for winter....grasshopper...hehehehe

"Once upon a time..."

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his
office.

This is how their conversation went:

"Sister, I want to show you something."

"What is it, Father?

"Come into my private room & close the blinds."

"WHAT?!"

"I said....."

"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying
it!"

"Well, I really need you to come in."

Curious, the nun does as she is told.

"Here, sit on the bed beside me."

"I have to get out of here."

"Aren't you the least bit curious?"

Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.

"Get under the covers."

"WHAT?????!!!!!"

The nun was really freaking out.

"It doesn't work otherwise!"

After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.

He whispers: "Come closer."

Nervously, she does get closer.

" See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch
does glow in the
dark!!!!"
=============================================
SOUTHERN ACCENT REQUIRED

An Outsider in a small Alabama town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity
Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation,
he left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter
about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your
Bibles!"

The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some pages,
and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three
wise men came from afar.'"
===========================================

Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southern Republican? With
elections coming up, we should all decide. Here is a little test that
may help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between a Democrat, a
Republican and a Southern Republican?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises
the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an
expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would in spire him to attack?
Could
we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing
the
gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound
me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while
he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends
for a
few days and try to come to a consensus.

Jim

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer: BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter's voice, "Nice
grouping,
Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(""Oh My" wasn't there only one man and one knife...lol)


Nightly comment...
What is monosexual???
unmarried..and sex is self induced???
or one on one as in married?
Or only one sexual preference?

Night Night read: Annora's Red Doors ch 11 Each chapter in a tale in it's self, wonderfull work L~

Night Night" Turns out the light

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Night Night

Its Sunday night...
and all is calm...
The sun sinks slowly
as the eyes lids will soon follow...
Curl up into a nightly membane expansion.
Or chuckle...depending on who you are...
<snicker>

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain,
Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said,
"Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We no longer call it the cock pit.
Now it's the box office."
..............................................................................................................................
CORPORATE LESSON #1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell,
the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor.

Before she could say a word, Bob says,

"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.
" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune,
the woman wraps towel and runs back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks
from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says,
"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and
risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.

CORPORATE LESSON #2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of
the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she
accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a
look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
Changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized,
"Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said,

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

CORPORATE LESSON #3
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub
it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says,
"I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

CORPORATE LESSON #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

CORPORATE LESSON #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull."I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy"

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

CORPORATE LESSON #6
In Africa , every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must
outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive.

Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

Moral of the story:
It makes no difference if you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun
comes up, you had better be hauling ass
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightly comment: I made the first submission
of my 20 chapter story...
Numchucks, The Legend
(A true story of a Labrador Retriever)
It's one of my best of the best...
which may not be saying much <grin>
The Halloween story contest for 2004 is
right around the corner so I expect every one to
come up with some groulsome erotic tails...I meant
tales. <snicker>

Nightly read: Carmallita's Stallions
It's had potential for more but the difficulty it
gave me trying to make it my non-english story
I finally submitted it as is. Its still got a tale to tell. (~_*)

"Night Night" Turns out the light....

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Nite Nite

Heres a chuckle I had to share...
Thanks bama...laughed my ass off
with this charactor....now go nite nite...<grin>


The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an
afternoon on the Potomac sailing on the presidential yacht, the
Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat
blows off his headand out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying,"Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's hat, bends over and picks it up. He walks back across the water to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats on the Hill, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

"Bush Can't Swim."

.............................................................................................................
If ya gotta pee...go first...lots of laughs.



My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch
this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
tickled. I had gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun.

So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.~

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference,
pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her ZZZhead cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy F**king Shit!
DAMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I (had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, night
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Numchucks" is coming...."Numchcucks" is coming...
soemthing to hold you over till then...<smile>

River Boat: Day 6

"Night Night" turns out the light....

 

[someplace]

Oh my! You need to be a little more careful with yourself there! *giggles* Glad you're all right!

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Zapped~

Oh my! You need to be a little more careful with yourself there! *giggles* Glad you're all right!

Hey someplace...
yep I'm fine...that was sent to me
so I shared it...

But ...
I use to view security tapes for convenience stores
and watched a bored night clerk zap himself
to the floor playing with the one offered for
employees now that was bad...but the ...guy...
zapped himself again ...can you believe that...hehehe

gotta go ...someplace
nite nite (~_*) Art

 

[someplace]

I figured as much, which is what the *wink* was for. Thanks for sharing. *grin*

 

[My Erotic Tail]

someplace

I figured as much, which is what the *wink* was for. Thanks for sharing. *grin*

hey ...

I love your Sigline...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Duh!!!!

Heres a night night read.
something to curl up into
and drift into a smile...
or stitches~(hopefully)
I aim to please...
so let me throw this at you~ (send)

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.


TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to
me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."


FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.


SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!


Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let me know if anyone has a story/poem
they want read or commented on...
I've been busy and haven't been
looking very often lately.

But I found this...
Nightly read: The Ubar and the Scribe Sci Fi by Elizabetht~

"Night Night" turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

sun nite

This was cute so I send it to you...
maybe a smile before bed time will do...
go nite nite...

Thanks Bamagirl.
THE LITTLE HOUSE BEHIND THE HOUSE



One of my bygone recollections,
As I recall the days of yore
Is the little house behind the house,
With the crescent over the door.



Twas a place to sit and ponder
With your head bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there,
If you didn't have to go.



Ours was a three-holer,
With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better,
After your usual job was done.



You had to make these frequent trips
Whether snow, rain, sleet or fog
To the little house where you usually
Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog.



Oft times in dead of winter,
The seat was covered with snow.
Twas then with much reluctance,
To the little house you'd go.



With a swish you'd clear the seat,
Bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth
As you settled on your rear.



I recall the day Granddad,
Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip to the shanty
Which proved to be a bummer.



Twas the same day my Dad
Finished painting the Kitchen green,
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made
With rags and gasoline.



He tossed the rags in the shanty hole
And went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so
He would eventually ruin the day.



Now Granddad had an urgent call,
I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house
Lingers in my memory yet.



He sat down on the shanty seat,
With both feet on the floor
Then filled his pipe with tobacco
And struck a match on the outhouse door.



After the tobacco began to glow,
He slowly raised his rear
Tossed the flaming match in the open hole,
With not a sign of fear.



The blast that followed, I am sure
Was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Granddad
Just sitting on the ground.



The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth,
His suspenders he held tight;
The celebrated three-holer
Was blown clear out of sight.



When we asked him what had happened,
His answer I'll never forget,
He thought it must be something
That he had recently et!



Next day we had a new one
Which my Dad built with ease.
With a sign on the entrance door
Which read: NO SMOKING PLEASE!



Now that's the end of the story,
With memories of long agf the little house, behind the house
Where we went cause we had to go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anelephant walked up to the camel and asked..

"You look silly with your breasts on your back..."

The camel replied...

"Thats funny coming from someone who wears
their willy on their nose."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Numchucks is here...Numchucks is here...
Nightly read: Numchucks The Legend A true story of a Black Lab

"Night Night" turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

"Night"

Night is here
and so is something to read...
<grin>

A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native american turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper
management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave
mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
...................................................................................................................................
Uh - Oh... Little Bobby & The Maxi Pads
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.I read the box in the cabinet.



I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen??? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions".


Now fast forward a few months...
It's Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.


When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.


Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
.......................................................................................

Back in the colonial days a man wanted to grow hair on his chest to impress his new girlfriend.

So he went up to George Washington and asked "Hey George how do I get hair on my chest to impress my woman while we make love?"

George Washington said "man, I don't know, you are talking to the wrong man, why don't you talk to one of the other great fathers of this country like John Adams"

So he went to John Adams, and asked, "Hey John how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love?

John Adams said "my son you are talking to the wrong person, you need to talk to Abe Lincoln"

So he went to Abe Lincoln. he said "Sir, how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love???"

Abe said "that is easy, every night before you make love, go down there and rub your chest all over it, this will help fertilize it!" so with the advice from Abe he did.

About 3 months later, while walking down the street, he saw Abe, he hollered at him and ripped his shirt open exposing a chest full of hair, and said "it works, it works!!!!"

Abe reached up and stroked his beard twice and said, "I KNOW, I
KNOW!!!!!!!!!!"
=============================
The Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual.....

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon have a teenage daughter....

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.

Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more
makeup & less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth.
(except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of di rty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break- In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teen-aged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my Mom and Dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called 'parents'.

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because "it is like so disgusting." S he doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents". Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "Ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly,
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE

Teenaged daughters requ ire one or two levels of maintenance: "high," and "ultra high." Of course, YOUR daughter is "ultra high". This means that what-ever you do won't be enough, and whatever you try, won't work.

WARRANTY

This product is without defect because she has "your" genes, for
heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, and as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might find her!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Numchucks: The Legend

"Night Night" Turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

A Night Night~

Huddle for a cuddle tale,
its time for Night Night...
covers ya up and open's my
book of tales...<grin> "Ready?"

I heard on a National radio station
yesterday... Dr. Phils outlook on the
dog at the beach...

for those who didn't catch it I'll try and
explain...A family rented a beach house...
they had several dogs and at the beach
house they let the dogs run at will, they
went by the neigbors yard witch had a
golden retriever that ran to the edge of the yard
and all along the boundries but never left
the yard.

The next day the renters complimented the owners
of the Retriever how well the invisible fence
worked. The owners replied that the fence
hadn't been activated in months...a long time.
But the dog didn't know this.

Dr Phils take on theis was that sometimes we
get hurt or dont do things any more because
we weren't able to for so long or told not to.
That we should try and love again if hurt before.

My interpritation would add that if we at "Lit"
are told we couldn't write and didn't because of
this I'm here to tell ya the invisible fence is
turned off so go for it...hehehehehehe
there is also the Halloween story contest
going on...hint hint...

I'm sure I didn't do the tale as well as the program
but hopefully the point was understood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were
unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house... and left it there all night

South Carolina ALLIGATORS...

Two South Carolina alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understandhow you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids ... I just don't get it."

"Well, " said the big 'gator, "what you been eatin' boy?"

"Democrats, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do ya catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the Black Water swamp near the parkin' lot ."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus SUV's and waits fer some one to unlock the door. Then I jumps out, grabs 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eats 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a SC Democrat, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."



..........................................................................
After being interviewed by the school administration,
the eager teaching prospect said:

"Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill
their every waking moment with a love for learning." And I'm
supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify
their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and
even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction,
and raise their self-esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,
sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote,
how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write
letters of recommendation for student employment and
scholarships, encourage respect for their elders and future
employers.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter, and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk,
a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a
big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my
family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this, and you
expect me NOT TO PRAY?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Night time read: Hallow Eve's Hallow's Eve
My Halloween story for the Halloween story contest
so please vote and or comment...thanks Art~

"Night Night" Turns out the light....

 

[someplace]

Bluesy cracked up when I read about Sarah. That's a good one ..as usual! Thanks.

 

[Annora]

Thank you

You gave some sage advice... maybe soon it will flow from my pen..

Until then though yours flow with so wonderful talents.. Keep on writing my friend in life.


Annora

 

[bamagirl]

Happy Birthday Art

May all your dreams come true sweetheart

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Nite Nite B-day

Oh yeah Saturday...
here's a night night tale or two,
curl up and humor the mind,
then get back to work...hehehe

Subject: How to Clean Your Toilet

a. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8
cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

b. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you
carry him towards the bathroom.

c. In one smooth movement, put the cat in
the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

d. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet,
the cat is actually enjoying this.

e. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. Don't worry,
the cat is safe and this provides a "power-wash"
and "rinse".

f. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the
bathroom and the front door.

g. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,
and quickly lift both lids.


h. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,
streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

i. Both the commode and the cat
will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
......................................................................
An American tourist in London decides to skip
his tour group and explore the >city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and

occasionally >stopping at a quaint pub to soak
up the local culture, chat with the lads, >and have >
a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in
a very high class neighborhood ..
big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores,
no restaurants, and worst of all
..
NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. > He really has to go,
after all that Guinness. He finds a narrow side street,
>with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to

use the >wall to solve his problem. > >
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder
by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that
here, you know." > > > >

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American,
"but I really, REALLY have
to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." > >

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie. "Just follow me."
He leads him back to a >delivery alley, then
along a wall to a gate, which he opens. > > > >
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away ..
anywhere you want." > > The fellow enters
and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever >seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary,
fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge >
beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. > > > >

Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down
and unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved. > >

As he goes back through the gate, he says
to the Bobbie, "That was really
decent of you; is that "British hospitality?" > >

"No", replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile
on his face, "that is the
French Embassy.

.......................................................................................................


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics that they would
like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava
from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and
it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely
horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my
parents, especially my mother
and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been
injuries, and even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself,
I should think we
can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and
the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the
British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons
Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said?"
......................................................................
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather
had just passed away, Katie went straight
to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, He had a
heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her
grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it
was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to
wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream
truck hadn't come along,"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joker and the Queen of Hearts
My Erotic Tale

"Night Night" turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Nite

It's sunday night and time for bed,
so before you do here's some thing to be read,
Little smiles to end the day.

"Personal" ad in local paper:

David G. Contact me soon!

Bring three rings:

Engagement, wedding, and teething.

Have news.

Debbie.
===========================

Did you see the new swimsuits at the
Miss America Pageant? Is it me or is
this gig just a brass pole and a two drink
minimum away from being a strip club?
- Jay Leno
===========================
Bubba and Harley were sitting in back
of their trailers shooting the breeze.

Bubba asked Harley, "If I snuck ovah to yore
house while you wuz out fishin an' made
love to your wife, an' she got pregnant,
would dat make us kin?"

Harley scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so.....but it
shore would make us even!"

============================

My girl friend invited me to dinner last night.
It was a romantic candlelight affair.
So when she fell backwards onto the table I
shouted: "Be careful, You'll burn your end at both candles!"
============================
Goliath was surprised when David hit him
with a stone because such a thing never
entered his head before.
============================
After telling the customs agent he had nothing
in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed
when the official decided to open them up
and check. In the very first one she opened,
cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized.
"That, madam, is my nightcap."
================================
I saw an advertisement for a school that
claimed it could teach anyone to drive a
car in five minutes or less. I called them
up and asked "How can you teach anyone
to drive in five minutes or less?" They answered
"It's a crash course."
==========================
CONFUSIOUS SAY

MAN WHO RUN IN FRONT OF CAR, GET TIRED

MAN WHO RUN BEHIND CAR, GET EXHAUSTED

PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDERS WEB -
SOON LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY

MAN WHO WALK THROUGH AIRPORT
TURNSTILE SIDEWAYS GOING TO BANGKOK

MAN WHO SCRATCHES ASS SHOULD NOT
BITE FINGERNAILS

PANTIES NOT BEST THING ON EARTH,
BUT NEXT TO IT

WAR NOT DETERMINE WHO’S RIGHT.
WAR DETERMINES WHO’S LEFT

WIFE WHO PUT HUSBAND IN DOGHOUSE
SOON FIND HIM IN CAT HOUSE

MAN WHO SLEEP IN CATHOUSE BY DAY,
SLEEP IN DOGHOUSE BY NIGHT

MAN WHO FIGHT WITH WIFE ALL DAY,
GET NO PIECE AT NIGHT

MAN WHO TELL ONE TOO MANY LIGHT BULB
JOKES SOON BURN OUT

IT TAKES MANY NAILS TO BUILD CRIB, BUT ONE
SCREW TO FILL IT

MAN WHO DRIVE LIKE HELL, BOUND TO GET THERE

MAN WHO SIT ON TACK GET POINT

MAN WHO LIVES IN GLASS HOUSE SHOULD
CHANGE IN BASEMENT

HE WHO FISHES IN OTHER MAN’S WELL OFTEN
CATCHES CRABS

BASEBALL IS WRONG, MAN WITH FOUR BALLS
CANNOT WALK

MAN WHO STAND ON TOILET, HIGH ON POT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightly read: Josh Hendersons Halloween
By My Erotic Tail...Ole josh has more trouble only this time it's with the ....gobblins.

"Night Night" turns out the light....

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Night Night

Curl up into a read...?
Ready for night night?
Here's a tale sent to me I had to share...

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season. We had not seen rain in almost a month. The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk. The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth. It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through.

Every day, my husband and his brothers would go about the arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this process had involved taking a truck to the local water rendering plant and filling it up with water. But severe rationing had cut everyone off. If we didn't see some rain soon...we would lose everything.

It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and
witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes. I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my six-year-old son, Billy, walking toward the woods. He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back.

He was obviously walking with a great effort .. trying to be as
still as possible.

Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house. I went back to making sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed.

Moments later, however! , he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods. This activity went on for an hour: walk carefully to the woods, run back to the house. Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very careful not to be seen...as he was obviously doing important work and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him) .

He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked, being very careful not to spill the water he held in them . maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands. I sneaked close as he went into the woods.

Branches and thorns slapped his little face, but he did not try to
avoid them. He had a much higher purpose.

As I leaned in to spy on him, I saw the most amazing site. Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right up to them. I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously close. But the buck did not threaten him...he didn't even move as Billy knelt down. And I saw a tiny fawn laying on the ground, obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand.

When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to run back to the house and
I hid behind a tree. I followed him back to the house to a spigot to which we had shut off the water. Billy opened it all the way up and a small trickle began to creep out. He knelt there, letting the drip, drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup," as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me: The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before. The lecture he had received about the importance of not wasting water. The reason he didn't ask me to help him.

It took almost twenty minutes for the drops to fill his hands. When he stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of him. His little eyes just filled with tears. "I'm not wasting," was all he said.

As he began his walk, I joined him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen. I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed away. It was his job. I stood on the edge of the woods watching th e most beautiful heart I have ever known working so hard to save another life. As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, they were suddenly joined by other drops...and more drops...and more. I looked up at the sky. It was as if God, himself, was weeping with pride.

Some will probably say that this was all just a huge coincidence. That miracles don't really exist. That it was bound to rain sometime. And I can't argue with that... I'm not going to try. All I can say is that the rain that came that day saved our farm...just like the actions of one little boy saved another.

I don't know if anyone will read this...but I had to send it out. To
honor the memory of my beautiful Billy, who was taken from me much too soon... But not before showing me the true face of God, in a little, sunburned body .
thanks Templeminded~
....................................................................
A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field.

Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you
but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!"
Thanks Deb~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river,
when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown."
Thanks Bambi~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Possesion by cloudy
Not just because we all know cloudy but this is an
excellent story...spooky, riviting and easily read.

"Night Night" turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Saturday night...
ready for a little tail...
I meant tale???
curl up with this...

"Cock-tale"

A farmer took his rooster to see a movie.
When he went up to the box office,
the ticket person said he couldn't take
the rooster in. The farmer walked around
the corner and decided to put it in his overhauls.

A few minutes later, he went back and
purchased his ticket. He got situated in
his seat and was waiting for the movie to start.

Across the isle, two ladies were also waiting.
One lady said to the other... "Ethel, the
man across the isle.. his thing is stickin
out of his pants!"

Ethel replied, "I've seen 'em big and small...
once you've seen one, you've seen 'em all!"

Her friend replied, " Bet you never seen
one eatin' popcorn!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I try to refrain from posting something
thats been posted on Literotica because
it may have been read already but when
I saw this at the joke thread on lit I had to share

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled
down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road
on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he
heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough,
he heard, One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back
on his bike and rode off. Just around the
bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't
believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord
are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's
hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted
though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin'
the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.
That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a
full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote
"The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family
was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This one was posted by Succulent-one

Little Johnny attended a horse auction
with his father. He watched as his father
moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horse's legs, rump,
and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying
horses, I have to make sure that they are
healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the
UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Thanks S~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman "of a certain age",
visited her doctor to ask his help in
reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said.
"He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor.
"Drop it into his coffee". "He won't even taste it".
"Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went."

A week later she rang up the doctor,
who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost
immediate. He jumped himself straight up,
with a twinkle in his eye, and with his
pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of
his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me
then and there, making wild, mad, passionate
love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare,
I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor."
Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed,
'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years.
But I'll never be able to show me
face in Starbucks again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Masquerade by Elizabetht
This tale takes you on a mental flight...
(Halloween story)

"Night Night"

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Sunday~

Night Night tail time...<grin>
Just a smile delivered with words...
"Night Night"...


The Pope arrived in England and he
was whisked away to a waiting Rolls Royce.
The driver opened the back door and saidly
quietly"Your seat your eminence"

The Pope stalled and looked deeply into the
driver's eyes said "Please let me drive today ,
no one EVER let's me drive!"

Being a good catholic , the driver obeyed and
got in the back. The Pope took the driver's
seat , left the airport and hit the motorway.
In no time he's doing 120 mph and the
driver in the back is screaming for him to slow down..

Within a mile , a cop comes , siren blaring
and the Pope pulls over.

The cop walks to the car and looks in -
he checks again and says "Er , wait here
please sir" and races to his radio.

He gets through to the Police Commissioner
and says" I got a HUGE problem sir ,
I stopped someone VERY important for doing
120 on the motorway"

"then prosecute the maniac" said the boss

"But he's REALLY important sir!" he replied

"What , like an MP?"

"No sir - even bigger!!"

"Royalty?"

"NO sir!! bigger!!!"

"Bigger than royalty?? Who you got there?"

" I think it's God sir - he's got the fucking
Pope as a chauffer!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Larry is driving 'round the farm, checking
the fences. After a few minutes he radioes
his boss, BillyBob and says,

"BillyBob, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on
the road and he's stuck under my truck.
He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

Billybob replies, "In the back of your truck there's a
shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and
when it stops wriggling you can pull it out
and throw it in a bush."

Larry agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes
later he radios back.

"BillyBob I did what you said,I shot the pig
and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother,
who was in her 50's to the gynocologist.
After dropping her mother off, she and her
daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.

While the older woman had her feet in the
stirrups, the doctor remarked,
"Don't we look pretty today", as he performed
his examination. The lady was quite shocked,
but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was
quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today",
while he was looking between my legs!
Do you think that was appropriate?

Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't
referring to your hairstyle or something?

Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate
or professional. I wonder if it
could be considered
sexual harassment. What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarassed?
Mother: I was very embarassed.
I used some of your FDS this morning, and he
may have smelled that, but I still don't think
he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can
that was on back of the toilet.
I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: Grandma! That's my
Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the hospital the relatives gathered
in the waiting room where their
family member lay gravely ill.

_
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber. "I'm afraid I'm
the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces.

__
"The only hope left for your loved one
at this time is a brain transplant."

_
"It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky
and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

_
After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

__
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a
male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the r
oom tried not to smile avoiding eye contact
with the women, but some actually smirked.

_
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted
out the question everyone wanted to ask.
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
_
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and so to the entire group said,
"It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've
actually been used."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Demonic Downfall...by cookiejar
A Halloween tale That's sure to move you!!!

"Night Night" Turns out the light...

 

[My Erotic Tail]

TGIF....
Now go night night...he he he
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse
in school and asks his father what it means.
His father is quite shocked, and replies,
"Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he
wants to go there, too, but his father insists
that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's
dad and a few of his friends
head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front,
Poker In The Rear! -- Our
Customers Come
First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been
safely inside for some
time, Little Johnny knocks on the door.
The madame opens the door.
"Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but,
being a kind-hearted soul, invites
Little Johnny inside. She gives him
three donuts and
then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic.
(Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.)
"Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!"
Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched.
"Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any
problem, but I just licked the third one!
=====================================


Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q.What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to
me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep wit h a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration
===================================


There was a redneck father and son who were always in
competition with each other. One day the son left to
take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to
major in medicine.

A week later he returned from his trip looking very
down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his father.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing
letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a
score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted,"
the boy replied.

"Well in that case I better take that exam myself,"
the father said.

So off to the university he went. A week later the
father returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his son.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing
letter' questions about first aid and I got them all
wrong but one."

"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"

"The question was...", started the father, "What do
you do when you come across a lady which has fainted.
You feel her pu_s_?"

"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is
pulse."

"Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as
well."
================================

The Great Britain edition of Good Housekeeping reports
one out of four English women prefer housecleaning to
sex with men. Well, vacuum cleaners have eight
attachments. Men only have one. - Jay Leno
=================================
I'm Hoping I made the deadline but I submitted
a story called Lit-Ville Halloween Trolls <snicker>
but here's a dilly to hold ya over....
Do You still love me?...
A halloween tale.

"Night Night" turns out the light...

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I'm so tired my eyes are falling down. G'night!

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Good Night~

Saturday night Ho-down
(how many ducked?)<snicker>
curl up into this for a nightly read...

Dear are easy to lure...
just hard to mount...

No speaka da engls


A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses,
they come together again
. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,"
retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud
in public places about our sex
lives........."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man..........
"Who talkin' abouta sexa?..... I'm a justa tellin'
my frienda,
how to spella 'Mississippi!"

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN !!

....................................................................
A man walks into a drug store with his
8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the
condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?" To which the man
matter-of -factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son...
Men use them to have safe sex.

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over
the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies,
"Those are for high school boys. One
for Friday, one for Saturday and one
for Sunday." "Cool, says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks,
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men."
the Dad answers,
"Two for Friday, Two for Saturday
and Two for Sunday.

"WOW!" Exclaimed the boy,
"then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up the 12 pack. With a sigh,
the Dad replied,
"Those are for married men,
One for January, one for February, One for
March...............................


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will survive... the song...different version LOL!!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches,
Lord I almost died,
But I'd spent oh so many years just
waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, And I knew that
I could take you on. . .



But there you are,
Another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've
bought me a French fry,
I should have known that it was bullsh*t,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no
anaconda lurking in those jeans.



Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then
turn up with only 4, Weren't you a prat to
think that I wouldn't catch you out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we
say size doesn't count.



(Chorus)

I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My s*x life is gonna thrive,
I will always have good s*x, with a handful of lat*x,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey



It took all my self control not to laugh
out loud, When I saw your little weiner
standing tall and proud, But to hell with all
your ego's and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed,

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
Cos I'll always throw them back,
The only thing that I could do with a pr*ck as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick and dip it in tomato sauce.

Go on now Go!
....................................................................
Okay with all the presidential publicity...
this is
How bizarre is this......
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both
Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the
head. Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Southerners assassinated both.
Southerners named Johnson succeeded both.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car
called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his
assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse
and his assassin ran and hid in a
theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland and a week before

Kennedy was shot, and he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Is THAT bizarre or what ??

Now we have had two George Bushs...
as President both sent troops to Iraq ????
Both were in the military and
both are related to mrs. Bush
both have been in a bush...facts: they reproduced...
both republican...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deb's Devilish Day
This Tail...I meant tale needs played with
<snicker>...By My Erotic Tail...he he he

"Night Night" Turns out the light....