Lil_Jenni's Adventures, Past and Present...

[deft]

It's a lazy Sunday. Hubby and the kiddo are out doing Father/son things, the girls are napping, as is the dog, and I have a happy cat purring on my lap. This should be enough, right? I shouldn't be chasing after an unobtainable Brazilian goddess (with whom I have no chance); an old college frenemy; a mercurial, chaos loving stripper (yeah, I'm keeping my distance, sexually speaking, from Misty, but it's always a presence even when we're not fucking); and a relationship seeking, hot photographer whose made it clear she doesn't want casual but who keeps calling to tell me she doesn't want casual. Why the fuck is my life with my hubby and kids not enough for me? Why invite in all... This. Not to mention fantasizing about hooking up with random men, women, and/or couples on a cruise. Fuck. Something is wrong with me.

I know some people are poly, are just made that way. And I know I'm one of them. I know it doesn't diminish my love for my Hubby, who is always the most important love.

Hell, last night he even told me he knows that this isn't something I've chosen, that it is who I am, and that he always knew that being back in my life (after I cheated and broke his heart once, before we were married — and he didn't say that, but I know what I did) meant loving me as I was not an idealized version of me, because he couldn't not love me. Fuck. Why can't I do what is best for him, sacrifice for him the way he has done me? Why do I need more? i don't want to be this way anymore.

Fuck. I didn't come on here to write all that. But... I needed to say it, I guess, which is why I wrote it. Fuck.

Sorry. Don't mean to be a downer. Just my fucked up head needing an outlet.

I love you

 

[lil_jenni]

It's a lazy Sunday. Hubby and the kiddo are out doing Father/son things, the girls are napping, as is the dog, and I have a happy cat purring on my lap. This should be enough, right? I shouldn't be chasing after an unobtainable Brazilian goddess (with whom I have no chance); an old college frenemy; a mercurial, chaos loving stripper (yeah, I'm keeping my distance, sexually speaking, from Misty, but it's always a presence even when we're not fucking); and a relationship seeking, hot photographer whose made it clear she doesn't want casual but who keeps calling to tell me she doesn't want casual. Why the fuck is my life with my hubby and kids not enough for me? Why invite in all... This. Not to mention fantasizing about hooking up with random men, women, and/or couples on a cruise. Fuck. Something is wrong with me.

I know some people are poly, are just made that way. And I know I'm one of them. I know it doesn't diminish my love for my Hubby, who is always the most important love.

Hell, last night he even told me he knows that this isn't something I've chosen, that it is who I am, and that he always knew that being back in my life (after I cheated and broke his heart once, before we were married — and he didn't say that, but I know what I did) meant loving me as I was not an idealized version of me, because he couldn't not love me. Fuck. Why can't I do what is best for him, sacrifice for him the way he has done me? Why do I need more? i don't want to be this way anymore.

Fuck. I didn't come on here to write all that. But... I needed to say it, I guess, which is why I wrote it. Fuck.

Sorry. Don't mean to be a downer. Just my fucked up head needing an outlet.

Well, I went in my bathroom to clean up after a bit of a cry, and found my medicine bottle sitting open on the counter. Then I remembered I had been called away before I could take it. So... I at least know why I'm feeling so fucking worthless today. I really thought I was getting better. Turns out, it's all the meds. So... I took it. Here's hoping I feel better soon, because my mind keeps wandering to the bottles of wine we keep for company. But I am fucking stronger than the bottle. I hope.

 

[deft]

Well, I went in my bathroom to clean up after a bit of a cry, and found my medicine bottle sitting open on the counter. Then I remembered I had been called away before I could take it. So... I at least know why I'm feeling so fucking worthless today. I really thought I was getting better. Turns out, it's all the meds. So... I took it. Here's hoping I feel better soon, because my mind keeps wandering to the bottles of wine we keep for company. But I am fucking stronger than the bottle. I hope.

I love you more

 

[13Fantasies]

It's a lazy Sunday. Hubby and the kiddo are out doing Father/son things, the girls are napping, as is the dog, and I have a happy cat purring on my lap. This should be enough, right? I shouldn't be chasing after an unobtainable Brazilian goddess (with whom I have no chance); an old college frenemy; a mercurial, chaos loving stripper (yeah, I'm keeping my distance, sexually speaking, from Misty, but it's always a presence even when we're not fucking); and a relationship seeking, hot photographer whose made it clear she doesn't want casual but who keeps calling to tell me she doesn't want casual. Why the fuck is my life with my hubby and kids not enough for me? Why invite in all... This. Not to mention fantasizing about hooking up with random men, women, and/or couples on a cruise. Fuck. Something is wrong with me.

I know some people are poly, are just made that way. And I know I'm one of them. I know it doesn't diminish my love for my Hubby, who is always the most important love.

Hell, last night he even told me he knows that this isn't something I've chosen, that it is who I am, and that he always knew that being back in my life (after I cheated and broke his heart once, before we were married — and he didn't say that, but I know what I did) meant loving me as I was not an idealized version of me, because he couldn't not love me. Fuck. Why can't I do what is best for him, sacrifice for him the way he has done me? Why do I need more? i don't want to be this way anymore.

Fuck. I didn't come on here to write all that. But... I needed to say it, I guess, which is why I wrote it. Fuck.

Sorry. Don't mean to be a downer. Just my fucked up head needing an outlet.

Maybe you being free to be yourself is exactly what you both need. He gets you and your honesty; you get your freedom to explore. At the crux, the love you both share

 

[13Fantasies]

Well, I went in my bathroom to clean up after a bit of a cry, and found my medicine bottle sitting open on the counter. Then I remembered I had been called away before I could take it. So... I at least know why I'm feeling so fucking worthless today. I really thought I was getting better. Turns out, it's all the meds. So... I took it. Here's hoping I feel better soon, because my mind keeps wandering to the bottles of wine we keep for company. But I am fucking stronger than the bottle. I hope.

You can do this. The medicine is a way to help you cope, but it is NOT stronger than you

 

[dkak001]

He obviously loves you. Unconditionally. Period. The fact that you wish you could change for him says volumes about your feelings for him.

Knowing that, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Hopefully you had a better day after you wrote what you did earlier.

 

[lil_jenni]

I'm feeling much better today. I just got overwhelmed and lost in my own head yesterday. Probably a combination of not taking my meds and my long awaited meet up with Dimples being about a week away.

Hubby knew something was wrong when he got home, even though I had started to even out by then. We talked a little, although I didn't go into the details. And I made sure he knows how much he means to me, both with words and with other actions that also involved my mouth. And my pussy. Then finished up with my mouth again.

Selina (I typed Selma, which I was going to use for the hot photographer, but that name is not sexy to me, despite Selma Hayek being sexy as fuck, so I'm going with Selina) didn't call or text yesterday. I'm disappointed, but I've not yet ruled out something happening. This might sound conceited, but I know she's into me. I've talked myself about of enough shit to recognize when someone else is trying to talk herself out of something.

And an unexpected Misty update. Seems she's been kinda seeing this older guy she met at the club. No, she's not more into guys now. She said they only have oral sex, and that is only if there is another woman involved, or I guess in one case two other women. He also likes to jack off to her describing what she does with other women or the dances she gave men at the club. He's bought her several pricey gifts too. Oh, and she asked if I would want to be the third sometime. I politely declined. That does not sound like my scene at all.

 

[13Fantasies]

Im glad you and your husband were able to talk. Even though i have no doubts about him understanding your love and devotion to him, it IS nice to be reaffirmed at times. So kudos for you!

And I hate how lucky he is.


Im sure Selina will come around.

Enjoy Dimples.

 

[smtst5]

For what it’s worth, there’s a full moon tonight. I see lots of craziness going on, including myself. Chin up boobs out or however that saying goes.

 

[JerseyJade]

Hubby knew something was wrong when he got home, even though I had started to even out by then. We talked a little, although I didn't go into the details. And I made sure he knows how much he means to me, both with words and with other actions that also involved my mouth. And my pussy. Then finished up with my mouth again.

Mmmm. You go girl!

 

[lil_jenni]

Mmmm. You go girl!

Almost no matter the funk I'm in, fucking takes me out of it.

 

[JerseyJade]

Almost no matter the funk I'm in, fucking takes me out of it.

I can relate to that.

 

[13Fantasies]

I can relate to that.

I can't, but im always willing to learn...

 

[JerseyJade]

I can't, but im always willing to learn...

Well... I'm not a teacher, so there's that.

 

[lil_jenni]

I've realized that maybe there is another reason for my mood yesterday. I'm drying up... milkwise, that is. It's been harder and harder to express any quantity the last couple of weeks, but Twin A was still able to nurse (Twin B's not interested anymore). Yesterday was very little, and there was even less today. She got almost nothing. So, maybe it's hormonal changes, or maybe it just being sad that nursing is winding down. It was about the same for my son. I nursed for about a year, then bye-bye milk.

 

[13Fantasies]

Well... I'm not a teacher, so there's that.

Thats because you cam still DO clearly..

 

[13Fantasies]

I've realized that maybe there is another reason for my mood yesterday. I'm drying up... milkwise, that is. It's been harder and harder to express any quantity the last couple of weeks, but Twin A was still able to nurse (Twin B's not interested anymore). Yesterday was very little, and there was even less today. She got almost nothing. So, maybe it's hormonal changes, or maybe it just being sad that nursing is winding down. It was about the same for my son. I nursed for about a year, then bye-bye milk.

My wife hated this. She wanted the kids to dictate when they were done, not her supply.

So she started doing Mother's Milk tea, etc and it did help

 

[JerseyJade]

I've realized that maybe there is another reason for my mood yesterday. I'm drying up... milkwise, that is. It's been harder and harder to express any quantity the last couple of weeks, but Twin A was still able to nurse (Twin B's not interested anymore). Yesterday was very little, and there was even less today. She got almost nothing. So, maybe it's hormonal changes, or maybe it just being sad that nursing is winding down. It was about the same for my son. I nursed for about a year, then bye-bye milk.

I think that happens a lot with women who are breast feeding twins. Do you alternate between bottle feeding an breast feeding?

 

[JerseyJade]

Thats because you cam still DO clearly..

i have no idea what you just said there.

 

[13Fantasies]

i have no idea what you just said there.

Suuuuure

 

[lil_jenni]

I think that happens a lot with women who are breast feeding twins. Do you alternate between bottle feeding an breast feeding?

I've been expressing for them both for bottle feeding, but I've had to start supplementing with formula. And like I said, Twin B prefers it from the bottle. She likes walking around with it. Twin A does not, but she's gonna have to start liking it.

 

[13Fantasies]

I've been expressing for them both for bottle feeding, but I've had to start supplementing with formula. And like I said, Twin B prefers it from the bottle. She likes walking around with it. Twin A does not, but she's gonna have to start liking it.

Do you want to be done? Do you have any saved?

If not, there might be options. But if you think thats best for you to be done, then it is.

 

[lil_jenni]

Do you want to be done? Do you have any saved?

If not, there might be options. But if you think thats best for you to be done, then it is.

I've saved some, but I'm trying to ration it. I started thawing some of the back supply and freezing the new when I could still express, but it's going down quicker than I would like, even with the formula.

The doctor did say formula is okay at this point.

And no, I would keep going if I could. With my son, it stopped rather abruptly too and nothing worked to get it going again. So, I'm kinda resigned to it now that it's here.

 

[13Fantasies]

I've saved some, but I'm trying to ration it. I started thawing some of the back supply and freezing the new when I could still express, but it's going down quicker than I would like, even with the formula.

The doctor did say formula is okay at this point.

And no, I would keep going if I could. With my son, it stopped rather abruptly too and nothing worked to get it going again. So, I'm kinda resigned to it now that it's here.

My wife recommended the following:

1. Eat more high yeast foods
2. Drink Mother's milk tea
3. Eat lactation cookies
4. Try milk thistle
5. Add in pumping sessions after Twin A is done. Make the breast think two kids are still actively eating.

We did that and we had to buy a second freezer just to store the milk she was producing. We had so much by the end that she donated some to NICUs.

She said it was probably your body adjusting from two kids to one.

Not sure if that helps or not, but know you're not alone.

 

[lil_jenni]

My wife recommended the following:

1. Eat more high yeast foods
2. Drink Mother's milk tea
3. Eat lactation cookies
4. Try milk thistle
5. Add in pumping sessions after Twin A is done. Make the breast think two kids are still actively eating.

We did that and we had to buy a second freezer just to store the milk she was producing. We had so much by the end that she donated some to NICUs.

She said it was probably your body adjusting from two kids to one.

Not sure if that helps or not, but know you're not alone.

Thank you! And would it be bad to admit I cut out the yeasty foods and the lactation cookies because of my weight issues? Probably, huh?

My husband even mentioned that it happened with our son around the time I started getting around 115, but I ignored it because, well... you know.

Okay. I'll be better. And I'll try pumping after Twin A feeds, presuming I can get milk going again.