Tallulah's OMD

[Apisto42]

I know, right???! I don't care if you're being sarcastic.

He is so blasé or whatever about shit, it's frustrating at times to point these things out.

"Darling, no, no-one wants to eat your sex snacks. I have no idea what state your fingers were in when you were taking a biscuit out of the pack. NO! I don't want to know the details!!!! ARGH!!"

I wasn’t being sarcastic, though I totally understand why you might have thought that!

And yeah, agree. Just no.

 

[Tallulah82]

It is time for you to have your weekend sex meet. Do you have someone in mind?

I have my first weekend away booked for the end of January with a Lit friend whom I've known for at least 3 years. We're both excited and nervous about it.

 

[hotoldrguy]

I have my first weekend away booked for the end of January with a Lit friend whom I've known for at least 3 years. We're both excited and nervous about it.

Sounds like a great time to look forward to

 

[Tallulah82]

Sounds like a great time to look forward to

It will be. Regardless of what happens, we both know that we'll enjoy each other's company and it'll be wonderful to meet in person after all this time. So even if nothing really down and dirty happens, it'll make it easier the next time because we'll have broken the big stress of meeting.

At the very least, I get to hang out and explore some of his city with him. That sounds like a wonderful weekend anyway

 

[bobb_sledd]

I never have thoughts...



Well, he went and returned so that's all ok on that front.

We haven't talked about it (as per my preference). But he did exactly what I wanted which was to leave it at the door, and return to home/family life without a fuss.

There was one tiny little issue I had (stop rolling your eyes! I know I'm hard work!!!) and that was about food. Food? You say. Yes, food I say. He was staying in a hotel. He bought snacks. Some snacks were not finished so he brought them home.

I have a bit of a cringe attitude towards the sex snacks. He's put them in the cupboard to merge with all other snacks but I'm a bit... "ew, they're snacks you've eaten naked with someone". I haven't raised this issue (yet) as I'm trying to figure out if I can get over myself about it, or if I need to say that sex snacks are either eaten before home or thrown out before home.

This can also be resolved by him learning in time how many sex snacks he actually needs to buy and not overbuying.

But, keeping focused on the positive - he returned home and got on with family shit and did not strut or swagger or anything that would make me doubt his ability to juggle both in life. Phew!!!

I'm glad for you both that it seems to be working out so far.

On the snack front -- I think it's reasonable that he not bring his sex snacks into the joint-household. Just tell him where you stand on that.

 

[dkak001]

On the snack front -- I think it's reasonable that he not bring his sex snacks into the joint-household. Just tell him where you stand on that.

Yeah, and if they smell "off", absolutely don't eat them!

 

[hotoldrguy]

I know, right???! I don't care if you're being sarcastic.

He is so blasé or whatever about shit, it's frustrating at times to point these things out.

"Darling, no, no-one wants to eat your sex snacks. I have no idea what state your fingers were in when you were taking a biscuit out of the pack. NO! I don't want to know the details!!!! ARGH!!"

Is bringing home sex snacks like bringing home her panties?

 

[MissRadiant]

It will be. Regardless of what happens, we both know that we'll enjoy each other's company and it'll be wonderful to meet in person after all this time. So even if nothing really down and dirty happens, it'll make it easier the next time because we'll have broken the big stress of meeting.

At the very least, I get to hang out and explore some of his city with him. That sounds like a wonderful weekend anyway

I love the fact you are keeping the positive even if nothing happens attitude. Enjoy the wonderful weekend.

 

[Tallulah82]

Sex Snacks Update:

We've had a little chat about the sex snacks. It hadn't occurred to him (of course) that I would cringe against what happened. We had a bit of a chuckle about it - that of all the shit we've talked about and prepared for... sex snacks were not on either of our radars before it happened.
So, it's now agreed that more care must be taken on the quantity - for less waste. And that if they're not finished/thrown out, then they are to be 'stashed' for that person to use in their next time away.

I also brought up an issue that was bugging me (WHAT? Another damned issue? FFS Tallulah!). I'd noticed on the weeks before that his car was not exactly clean... (bearing in mind that his car is our family holiday one so it gets hammered with kids and crap on a regular basis). I'd casually asked if he was going to clean the car - in case she gets in it. He was very indignant on his 'yes, of course'.

The other day - after the event - I got in his car and noticed there was still a fine sheen of dust on the dashboard. I commented on it (because I'm a big mouth) and he said he'd cleaned it but what he meant was he'd vacuumed it. Yes, he had. But not even a cloth over the dashboard.

SO... I said to him that I'm absolutely torn about this.
On one side, I am not going to make this yet another issue that I have to push him on... and if she gets in his car and judges him to be a slob etc, then that's on him if he's not going to help himself on portraying this image of a man who's got his shit together.
On the other side, he is a reflection of me (in the most vain way). I am not happy that my husband appears to be a scruffy ass. I mean, he is - but I don't want her to think I'm ok with that. So, basically, this is her opinion of me through him.

I've told him I'm absolutely 50/50 on this and so I'm going to let him be the scruffy ass and tough luck if that turns her off. But I thought I'd give him that heads up that women may judge him for his cleanliness (he himself is well groomed but damn, he's blind to his surroundings).

Overall, I feel like we've turned a corner. I know I still have my first weekend away to come, but it feels good to have broken through that big hurdle of 'The First'.

(And I praised him for his behaviour when he came home - in a non-patronising, non-domme way, calm down )

 

[bobb_sledd]

I'm very much out of the loop, so I really need to ask... Is that term a euphemism?

In leu of reading the thread from the beginning, refer to post #175.

 

[Tallulah82]

A Surprise Moment:

Today I've discovered that my husband has groomed himself in ways that he's *never* done so before.

Here's how it went...

He said he was going to off to groom (beard etc that he does weekly) and did the stroking beard action, which then I said "I'm glad you did the beard thing because otherwise I'd have thought you meant" - and then I did the crotch action, to which he replied "I did that the other day."

I was joking, and this caught me 100% off guard because never ever in our 25+ marriage has he ever manscaped his body. Ever.

I confess that I didn't react well. I kind of closed up and said 'ok' and he picked up on it, and tried to explain the whys. I shut him down and said "you've done it for other women, I get it." He tried to argue that wasn't the case - but I was more insistent and said "Stop - you've never ever done this and suddenly you are- you are doing it for other people - that's it."

He went quiet and left to do his beard. And I spent half an hour thinking about this and my reaction.

When he came back, I apologised. I said that I didn't actually have a problem with it but I was blindsided by it. And I'm still getting used to him being different to whom I've known all these years. It smarts to feel like he's putting effort in for other people and but never thought me worthy of the effort - but he's explained that being in a sex based community now, he's been encouraged by others (men and women) to put this effort in as a general thing.

He in turn apologised to me for not doing these things "for me" (his words) before, and for shutting down more adventurous sex ideas when I tried to make changes in years gone by. He has spent his life being 'conservative' in the bedroom and is still learning how to be more open minded.

It's still small steps, and being surprised by things I wasn't expecting. I should try to handle being blindsided better instead of shutting down. But all is good.

 

[hotoldrguy]

A Surprise Moment:

Today I've discovered that my husband has groomed himself in ways that he's *never* done so before.

Here's how it went...

He said he was going to off to groom (beard etc that he does weekly) and did the stroking beard action, which then I said "I'm glad you did the beard thing because otherwise I'd have thought you meant" - and then I did the crotch action, to which he replied "I did that the other day."

I was joking, and this caught me 100% off guard because never ever in our 25+ marriage has he ever manscaped his body. Ever.

I confess that I didn't react well. I kind of closed up and said 'ok' and he picked up on it, and tried to explain the whys. I shut him down and said "you've done it for other women, I get it." He tried to argue that wasn't the case - but I was more insistent and said "Stop - you've never ever done this and suddenly you are- you are doing it for other people - that's it."

He went quiet and left to do his beard. And I spent half an hour thinking about this and my reaction.

When he came back, I apologised. I said that I didn't actually have a problem with it but I was blindsided by it. And I'm still getting used to him being different to whom I've known all these years. It smarts to feel like he's putting effort in for other people and but never thought me worthy of the effort - but he's explained that being in a sex based community now, he's been encouraged by others (men and women) to put this effort in as a general thing.

He in turn apologised to me for not doing these things "for me" (his words) before, and for shutting down more adventurous sex ideas when I tried to make changes in years gone by. He has spent his life being 'conservative' in the bedroom and is still learning how to be more open minded.

It's still small steps, and being surprised by things I wasn't expecting. I should try to handle being blindsided better instead of shutting down. But all is good.

as long as it is all good

 

[dkak001]

He said he was going to off to groom (beard etc that he does weekly) and did the stroking beard action, which then I said "I'm glad you did the beard thing because otherwise I'd have thought you meant" - and then I did the crotch action, to which he replied "I did that the other day."

It's not too surprising that you reacted to this. Your feelings on the situation are fair and reasonable. Even your followup response and communication with him are good.

After 25 years (I know, I'm exactly there too...) it's easy to become complacent in our relationships. Not that complacent means lazy, many times it just means comfortable. That contentment doesn't mean lack of caring, it just means we can let our guard down and be comfortable in who we are. In many respects, I think this is a good sign. It means you're not "on guard" at home, and that home is welcoming space.

As for future surprises, keep in mind that you are both growing. (Maybe him, more than you, IMO). Change will happen, and as you have suggested it may even be surprising. But this change isn't because he's cheating on you, you two are progressing this path together. You KNOW why he's making changes, and you are up front with each other about it.

Maybe next time it happens, even if you're shocked, try to have fun with it. A response like "Show me!" would probably get you both laughing about it. Especially if you're in the middle of the kitchen or the like.

You're both in this to explore and have fun. It doesn't mean you can't have fun with each other.

 

[Apisto42]

A Surprise Moment:

Today I've discovered that my husband has groomed himself in ways that he's *never* done so before.

Here's how it went...

He said he was going to off to groom (beard etc that he does weekly) and did the stroking beard action, which then I said "I'm glad you did the beard thing because otherwise I'd have thought you meant" - and then I did the crotch action, to which he replied "I did that the other day."

I was joking, and this caught me 100% off guard because never ever in our 25+ marriage has he ever manscaped his body. Ever.

I confess that I didn't react well. I kind of closed up and said 'ok' and he picked up on it, and tried to explain the whys. I shut him down and said "you've done it for other women, I get it." He tried to argue that wasn't the case - but I was more insistent and said "Stop - you've never ever done this and suddenly you are- you are doing it for other people - that's it."

He went quiet and left to do his beard. And I spent half an hour thinking about this and my reaction.

When he came back, I apologised. I said that I didn't actually have a problem with it but I was blindsided by it. And I'm still getting used to him being different to whom I've known all these years. It smarts to feel like he's putting effort in for other people and but never thought me worthy of the effort - but he's explained that being in a sex based community now, he's been encouraged by others (men and women) to put this effort in as a general thing.

He in turn apologised to me for not doing these things "for me" (his words) before, and for shutting down more adventurous sex ideas when I tried to make changes in years gone by. He has spent his life being 'conservative' in the bedroom and is still learning how to be more open minded.

It's still small steps, and being surprised by things I wasn't expecting. I should try to handle being blindsided better instead of shutting down. But all is good.

You handled that really well. As did he when he came back to the room.

Thanks for sharing your journey.

 

[LeSabreur]

Tallulah, I love this thread, and I very much appreciate you sharing this intimate journey with us. I have benefitted so much from others who share such thoughts and feelings, and I want you to know how much this resonates with me in my own life...you could be my wife's sister and I your husband's brother.

I have just read the thread in its entirety and have smiled all the way through it at your incredible recounting of the little things that sneak up on you...the dusty dashboard, the sex snacks, the manscaping. Seeing your feelings emerge and evolve is fascinating and illuminating.

If you haven't already seen this brilliant little video, it may tickle you:

 

[Peter_Out]

How are things going, @Tallulah82?

 

[hotoldrguy]

How are things going, @Tallulah82?

Good question. Did you have your date this weekend?