Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
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Guest
Guest
An elderly couple decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please." The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please." The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
"What Is A Friend?"
"The attractive man I met last night
insists he just wants to be friends."
the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now
I know what to do with a lover, but,
what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said,
"The same as with your lover, dearie,
only not quite so often."
"The attractive man I met last night
insists he just wants to be friends."
the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now
I know what to do with a lover, but,
what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said,
"The same as with your lover, dearie,
only not quite so often."
PRIESTHOOD
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor
they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads
them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied
to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She
begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of
control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal
weakness." The candidate leaves.
The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate
and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to
withstand
your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness"
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third
candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her
veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you
have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest".
Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower".
*Ting-a-ling*
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor
they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads
them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied
to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She
begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of
control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal
weakness." The candidate leaves.
The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate
and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to
withstand
your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness"
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third
candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her
veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you
have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest".
Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower".
*Ting-a-ling*
omahaman2
Here's your sign
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
A good pun is its own reword. Even bad puns are worth reading by
a groan man or woman.
A good pun is its own reword. (In case you missed the pun the first
time!)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A backward poet writes in inverse.
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Local Area Network in Australia; the LAN down under.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy your vote counts, In feudalism your count votes.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat
minor.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a
spectacle of himself.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
a groan man or woman.
A good pun is its own reword. (In case you missed the pun the first
time!)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A backward poet writes in inverse.
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Local Area Network in Australia; the LAN down under.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy your vote counts, In feudalism your count votes.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat
minor.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a
spectacle of himself.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
So how about some "Dumb Men Jokes"
What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
He said, "I loved you terribly."
She said, "You sure did."
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
What happened to Roman Polanski's last wife?
Crib death.
How can you tell if a man is ambidextrous?
He drools from both sides of his mouth.
What are the three biggest lies a woman can tell?
1) That was good. 2) I missed you. 3) It was just a wrong number.
What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
He said, "I loved you terribly."
She said, "You sure did."
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
What happened to Roman Polanski's last wife?
Crib death.
How can you tell if a man is ambidextrous?
He drools from both sides of his mouth.
What are the three biggest lies a woman can tell?
1) That was good. 2) I missed you. 3) It was just a wrong number.
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
The Cowboy and a Rattlesnake
>> >
>> >It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow
choked
>> >trails
>> >looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse
went
>> >around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself
in
>>the
>> >spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun
to
>>shoot
>> >the snake.
>> >
>> >"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot, I'm an
>> >enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me I'll give you any
>> >three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He
knew he
>>was
>> >safely out of the snake's striking range.
>> >
>> >He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable,
then,
>> >I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like
>> >sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake
said,
>> >"All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all
three
>> >wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full
speed
>>all
>> >the way to the bunk house.
>> >
>> >He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
>> >Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He
ripped
>> >the
>> >shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just
like
>>Arnold
>> >Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked
at
>>his
>> >crotch and shouted...
>> >
>> >"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!!!"
>> >
>>
>>
>> >
>> >It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow
choked
>> >trails
>> >looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse
went
>> >around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself
in
>>the
>> >spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun
to
>>shoot
>> >the snake.
>> >
>> >"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot, I'm an
>> >enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me I'll give you any
>> >three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He
knew he
>>was
>> >safely out of the snake's striking range.
>> >
>> >He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable,
then,
>> >I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like
>> >sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake
said,
>> >"All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all
three
>> >wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full
speed
>>all
>> >the way to the bunk house.
>> >
>> >He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
>> >Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He
ripped
>> >the
>> >shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just
like
>>Arnold
>> >Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked
at
>>his
>> >crotch and shouted...
>> >
>> >"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!!!"
>> >
>>
>>
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
********************************************************************************
There was a cucumber, a pickle and a penis. They were all siting around and talking about how their live was so shit.
The cucumber turns to them and says, "my life is so bad when I get big, fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "I have it so rough when I get big, fat, and juicy they put vinegar and spices on me and stick me in a jar."
The penis says, "you think that you have it rough? When I get big, fat and juicy they put a rubber trap over my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."
**********************************************************************************
Once there was a man from Boston
Who took a ride in his Austin
He had room for his ass
A gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost them.
========================
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
=========================
A kinky young girl from Nob Hill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
=========================
There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her
**********************************************************************************
Ten Rules of Bureaucracy
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the
problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time;
the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand,
expensive problem, there exists at least one short,
simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time
runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but
there's always enough time to do it over.
********************************************************************************
FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!
Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
(I hope the first thing isn't whistle!)
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...they will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say "no" to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like
that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
There was a cucumber, a pickle and a penis. They were all siting around and talking about how their live was so shit.
The cucumber turns to them and says, "my life is so bad when I get big, fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "I have it so rough when I get big, fat, and juicy they put vinegar and spices on me and stick me in a jar."
The penis says, "you think that you have it rough? When I get big, fat and juicy they put a rubber trap over my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."
**********************************************************************************
Once there was a man from Boston
Who took a ride in his Austin
He had room for his ass
A gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost them.
========================
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
=========================
A kinky young girl from Nob Hill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
=========================
There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her
**********************************************************************************
Ten Rules of Bureaucracy
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the
problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time;
the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand,
expensive problem, there exists at least one short,
simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time
runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but
there's always enough time to do it over.
********************************************************************************
FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!
Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
(I hope the first thing isn't whistle!)
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...they will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say "no" to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like
that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this
new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do,
in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new
animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this
new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut
and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who
will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The
companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know
that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit
with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this
new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do,
in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new
animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this
new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut
and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who
will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The
companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know
that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Top 20 Tips for keeping a healthy mind
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy"
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Nancy.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this
week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your! children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent
it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy"
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Nancy.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this
week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your! children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent
it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
While attending a marriage seminar on communication,
David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
TheOverlord
Walking into the sunset
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2003
- Posts
- 8,619
A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help. Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?” “No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”
G
Guest
Guest
i like that one !
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Bear Alert
>
> >>
>
> >>The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising
>
> >>hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions
>
> >>and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge,
>
> >>and Keystone area.
>
> >>
>
> >>They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little
>
> >>bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears
>
> >>unexpectedly.
>
> >>
>
> >>They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an
>
> >>encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs
>
> >>of bear activity.
>
> >>
>
> >>People should be able to recognize the difference between black
>
> >>bear and grizzly bear droppings.
>
> >>
>
> >>Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
>
> >>squirrel fur.
>
> >>
>
> >>Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper
>
> >>spray.
>
>
>
> >>
>
> >>The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising
>
> >>hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions
>
> >>and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge,
>
> >>and Keystone area.
>
> >>
>
> >>They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little
>
> >>bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears
>
> >>unexpectedly.
>
> >>
>
> >>They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an
>
> >>encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs
>
> >>of bear activity.
>
> >>
>
> >>People should be able to recognize the difference between black
>
> >>bear and grizzly bear droppings.
>
> >>
>
> >>Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
>
> >>squirrel fur.
>
> >>
>
> >>Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper
>
> >>spray.
>
>
G
Guest
Guest
{{{{ Bear }}}}
that's just too funny !!
that's just too funny !!
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
xx--jasmine--xx said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{ JASMINE }}}}}}}}}}
hugs and kisses hon glad u like it
it was very funny i loved it
how are you doing having seen you in a while , hope ur doing ok
and wow ur still as beautiful as i remember kisses babe
G
Guest
Guest
hi sweetsbiggbear8 said:
i'm doing fine.. just been keeping a low profile lately.
you doing ok ???
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
xx--jasmine--xx said:hi sweets
i'm doing fine.. just been keeping a low profile lately.
you doing ok ???
im going good getting better everyday, I understand sometimes u just need to take a step back for a little bit
hugs and kisses my beautiful lady hope you have a great evening and a wonderful sunday
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
New Dictionary
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins
14.! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins
14.! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
G
Guest
Guest
biggbear8 said:
i'm so glad you're feeling better
*soft hugs*
wishing you a wonderful sunday too !
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Subject: Bikers Bar
>>
>>
>>An obviously drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
bar, and
>>orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner
table.
>>He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,
meanest
>>looking one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house
today
>>and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is a fine looking
>>woman!"
>>
>>The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused,
>>because he is a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
>>
>>The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
>>grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
>>
>>The biker's buddies are starting to get really pissed, but the biker
still
>>says nothing.
>>
>>The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
>>something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
>>
>>At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
and
>>says, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk.......
>>Go home!"
>
>>
>>
>>An obviously drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
bar, and
>>orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner
table.
>>He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,
meanest
>>looking one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house
today
>>and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is a fine looking
>>woman!"
>>
>>The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused,
>>because he is a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
>>
>>The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
>>grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
>>
>>The biker's buddies are starting to get really pissed, but the biker
still
>>says nothing.
>>
>>The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
>>something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
>>
>>At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
and
>>says, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk.......
>>Go home!"
>
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
GOD BLESS LITTLE OLD LADIES
>>
>>
>>
>>An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City
>>building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
>>smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says
>>arrogantly, "Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another
young
>>and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly
turns
>>to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three
>>floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about
to
>>get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful
women
>>in the eye, farts, then says,................................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"Broccoli...... 49 cents a pound."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City
>>building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
>>smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says
>>arrogantly, "Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another
young
>>and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly
turns
>>to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three
>>floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about
to
>>get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful
women
>>in the eye, farts, then says,................................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"Broccoli...... 49 cents a pound."
>>
>>
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror."Don't worry!" says the driver to his friend, "Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead.Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat!And, let me do all the talking!"
They pull over to the side of the road and the copwalks up to the car.He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks."Have you been drinking?" he asks them.
"Oh no Sir," replies the driver.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway.Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!"
They pull over to the side of the road and the copwalks up to the car.He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks."Have you been drinking?" he asks them.
"Oh no Sir," replies the driver.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway.Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!"
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
The Businessman's Lucky Seat
A businessman boards a flight and is
lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies
that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies,
"Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
A businessman boards a flight and is
lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies
that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies,
"Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
