G
Guest
Guest
this may have been posted before.. but it's the first time i've seen it 
http://www.imgmag.com/images/jasmine/add-on.jpg
http://www.imgmag.com/images/jasmine/add-on.jpg
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
xx--jasmine--xx said:this may have been posted before.. but it's the first time i've seen it
http://www.imgmag.com/images/jasmine/add-on.jpg
that is so funny and very true for some lol hehehehehhhe
thank you jasmine for making me smile
G
Guest
Guest
it was my pleasure, bear 
Hi bear...CJ gave me this joke...
A fly hovered above a lily pad about 3". Thinking, if I dropped 3", it would be cool
a fish noticed the fly and thought, if the fly dropped 3" I could eat it!
a bear in the forest noticed the fish and the fly and thought, if the fly dropped 3", the fish would jump and eat the fly. I could run out and catch the fish!
a hunter eating a sandwich, noticed the bear, fish and fly. If that fly dropped 3", the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will run out the catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear!
a mouse sitting next to the hunter noticed the sandwich, if the fly drops, the fish will catch it, the bear will catch the fish and the hunter will drop the sandwich to shoot the bear and I get the sandwich
a kitty cat noticed the mouse and thought if the fly drops, the fish will eat it. the bear will eat the fish. the hunter will drop his sandwich to shoot the bear. the mouse will eat the sandwich and I will get the mouse!
All of a sudden the fly dropped. the fish jumped. the bear caught the fish. the hunter dropped the sandwich and shot the bear. the mouse got the sandwich and the cat pounced on the mouse, the slipped and rolled down the mountain and fell in the lake and drowned!
Moral to story!
If a fly drops 3", somewhere in the world a pussy is in trouble!
A fly hovered above a lily pad about 3". Thinking, if I dropped 3", it would be cool
a fish noticed the fly and thought, if the fly dropped 3" I could eat it!
a bear in the forest noticed the fish and the fly and thought, if the fly dropped 3", the fish would jump and eat the fly. I could run out and catch the fish!
a hunter eating a sandwich, noticed the bear, fish and fly. If that fly dropped 3", the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will run out the catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear!
a mouse sitting next to the hunter noticed the sandwich, if the fly drops, the fish will catch it, the bear will catch the fish and the hunter will drop the sandwich to shoot the bear and I get the sandwich
a kitty cat noticed the mouse and thought if the fly drops, the fish will eat it. the bear will eat the fish. the hunter will drop his sandwich to shoot the bear. the mouse will eat the sandwich and I will get the mouse!
All of a sudden the fly dropped. the fish jumped. the bear caught the fish. the hunter dropped the sandwich and shot the bear. the mouse got the sandwich and the cat pounced on the mouse, the slipped and rolled down the mountain and fell in the lake and drowned!
Moral to story!
If a fly drops 3", somewhere in the world a pussy is in trouble!
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
cookiejar said:Hi bear...CJ gave me this joke...
A fly hovered above a lily pad about 3". Thinking, if I dropped 3", it would be cool
a fish noticed the fly and thought, if the fly dropped 3" I could eat it!
a bear in the forest noticed the fish and the fly and thought, if the fly dropped 3", the fish would jump and eat the fly. I could run out and catch the fish!
a hunter eating a sandwich, noticed the bear, fish and fly. If that fly dropped 3", the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will run out the catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear!
a mouse sitting next to the hunter noticed the sandwich, if the fly drops, the fish will catch it, the bear will catch the fish and the hunter will drop the sandwich to shoot the bear and I get the sandwich
a kitty cat noticed the mouse and thought if the fly drops, the fish will eat it. the bear will eat the fish. the hunter will drop his sandwich to shoot the bear. the mouse will eat the sandwich and I will get the mouse!
All of a sudden the fly dropped. the fish jumped. the bear caught the fish. the hunter dropped the sandwich and shot the bear. the mouse got the sandwich and the cat pounced on the mouse, the slipped and rolled down the mountain and fell in the lake and drowned!
Moral to story!
If a fly drops 3", somewhere in the world a pussy is in trouble!
OMG THAT IS TO MUCH ROFLOMA ......................................................... THATS GOOD
G
Guest
Guest
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend for a bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up, having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.
The brunette says, "What's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up, having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.
The brunette says, "What's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Icey*Fire
PG #36
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,667
Encountering another cockroach dining under the sink, and insect says," Have you heard about the new restaurant down the street? It's really something-- the shelves are all spotless, the silverware is burnished to a high gloss, the appliances gleam....
"Please," the other roach says, holding up a leg, "not while I am eating.!"
"Please," the other roach says, holding up a leg, "not while I am eating.!"
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Subject: Every Little Girl's Dream
> > >A teacher asked her class: > > "Do you know want you want out of
life?"
> > > A little girl in the back raised her hand and said: > > "All I
want
>out of life is four animals." > > The teacher asked, "Really, and what
four
>animals would that be?" > > The little girl said, > > "A mink on my
back, a
>jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed . . . > and a jackass to pay for
it
>all."
> > >A teacher asked her class: > > "Do you know want you want out of
life?"
> > > A little girl in the back raised her hand and said: > > "All I
want
>out of life is four animals." > > The teacher asked, "Really, and what
four
>animals would that be?" > > The little girl said, > > "A mink on my
back, a
>jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed . . . > and a jackass to pay for
it
>all."
omahaman2
Here's your sign
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace
had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn,so
the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became
overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and
dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find
it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in
the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw
his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened
he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure!?
Remember, YOU WERE WARNED!
He proclaimed: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a
wrench for me!"
had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn,so
the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became
overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and
dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find
it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in
the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw
his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened
he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure!?
Remember, YOU WERE WARNED!
He proclaimed: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a
wrench for me!"
TheOverlord
Walking into the sunset
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2003
- Posts
- 8,619
xx--jasmine--xx said:
always LOVE blond Jokes!!!
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm sorry.... What was the question?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm sorry.... What was the question?
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
From another thread
An Article by Jim
Dear Friends,
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in
April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she
started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try
not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as
we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several
times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes
to bed. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she just can't make
another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as
she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday
lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or
Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until
the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do
some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or
dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to
offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know
what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I
try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I
tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is
making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break
by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a
daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become
as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was worthwhile.
Signed, Jim
JIM'S FUNERAL was on Saturday, January 25th.
NANCY was ACQUITTED Monday, January 27 th.
An Article by Jim
Dear Friends,
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in
April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she
started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try
not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as
we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several
times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes
to bed. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she just can't make
another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as
she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday
lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or
Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until
the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do
some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or
dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to
offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know
what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I
try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I
tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is
making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break
by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a
daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become
as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was worthwhile.
Signed, Jim
JIM'S FUNERAL was on Saturday, January 25th.
NANCY was ACQUITTED Monday, January 27 th.
TheOverlord
Walking into the sunset
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2003
- Posts
- 8,619
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!
wow...i'd Love that!
wow...i'd Love that!
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Roses & Hanging Baskets
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen
up
Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out
she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother
is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains
to
her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show
off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen
up
Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out
she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother
is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains
to
her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show
off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
bitch in the kitchen
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5
year old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All
of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off
now.....cause
this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down
the
tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out you may play with
your train....but I want you use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son
say........ "All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant
one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her
little
darling continue.....
"For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in
the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with
us
today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
of
you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5
year old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All
of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off
now.....cause
this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down
the
tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out you may play with
your train....but I want you use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son
say........ "All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant
one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her
little
darling continue.....
"For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in
the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with
us
today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
of
you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen.
G
Guest
Guest
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after a brief work period.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit
other areas.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You'll retire well before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious
looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after a brief work period.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit
other areas.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You'll retire well before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious
looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
British Courtesy
"An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started relieving himself on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
"An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started relieving himself on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
G
Guest
Guest
alwaysawake said:
ROFL !!
omahaman2
Here's your sign
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
Blondes are not so dumb, in spite of the jokes about them. The
following story demonstrates this point.
A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"
with Regis Philbin.
Regis: Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left:
phone-a-friend.If you get it right, the next question is worth one
million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000.
Are you ready?
Pam: Yes, I'm ready. Regis: Which of the following birds does not
build its own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush?
Pam: I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol.
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: Hello?
Regis: Hello, Carol,it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants To Be a
Millionaire?I have your friend, Pam, here, who needs your help to
answer the onemillion dollar question.
The next voice you hear will be Pam's....... Pam: Carol, which of
the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush?
Carol: Oh, Geez, Pam, that's simple. It's a cuckoo.
Pam: Are you sure?
Carol: I'm sure.
Regis: Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for
themillion?
Pam: I want to play. I'll go with C) Cuckoo.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Pam: Yes. Cuckoo.
Regis: You said C) Cuckoo, and you're RIGHT!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!
You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out
on thetown. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and
asks her,"Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that
does not build its own nest?
Carol says, laughingly, "Oh, Pam!!! That's easy!!! Everybody knows
they live in clocks!"
following story demonstrates this point.
A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"
with Regis Philbin.
Regis: Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left:
phone-a-friend.If you get it right, the next question is worth one
million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000.
Are you ready?
Pam: Yes, I'm ready. Regis: Which of the following birds does not
build its own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush?
Pam: I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol.
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: Hello?
Regis: Hello, Carol,it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants To Be a
Millionaire?I have your friend, Pam, here, who needs your help to
answer the onemillion dollar question.
The next voice you hear will be Pam's....... Pam: Carol, which of
the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush?
Carol: Oh, Geez, Pam, that's simple. It's a cuckoo.
Pam: Are you sure?
Carol: I'm sure.
Regis: Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for
themillion?
Pam: I want to play. I'll go with C) Cuckoo.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Pam: Yes. Cuckoo.
Regis: You said C) Cuckoo, and you're RIGHT!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!
You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out
on thetown. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and
asks her,"Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that
does not build its own nest?
Carol says, laughingly, "Oh, Pam!!! That's easy!!! Everybody knows
they live in clocks!"
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
Here's a series of dumb ones...
QUICK ANSWERS
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was crippled."
Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist -probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.
"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, " you're under arrest."
Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
QUICK ANSWERS
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was crippled."
Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist -probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.
"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, " you're under arrest."
Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
