higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2003
- Posts
- 137,532
Nice one!! Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
Nice one!! 
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Alcohol Consumption Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an
idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an
idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2003
- Posts
- 137,532
I'm going to do a "Stupid Quotes" series . . . hope you all like them as much as me
"Outside consultants sought for test of gas chamber."
- Ad in Arizona Republic
"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm
"FOR RENT: CONDOM... ONLY US$650."
- Ad in Jakarta Post, should have read Condo
"I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song."
- Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor's breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas
"I invented the internet".
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President
"I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple."
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President when asked about his illegal fundraising activities that took place in a Buddhist temple.
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress
"See the New York Jets play the Cinncinnati Bagels this Sunday on NBC."
- Announcer on WNBC station
"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer
"Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier."
- Anonymous Traffic Report
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."
- Arab News report
"Outside consultants sought for test of gas chamber."
- Ad in Arizona Republic
"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm
"FOR RENT: CONDOM... ONLY US$650."
- Ad in Jakarta Post, should have read Condo
"I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song."
- Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor's breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas
"I invented the internet".
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President
"I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple."
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President when asked about his illegal fundraising activities that took place in a Buddhist temple.
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress
"See the New York Jets play the Cinncinnati Bagels this Sunday on NBC."
- Announcer on WNBC station
"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer
"Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier."
- Anonymous Traffic Report
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."
- Arab News report
higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2003
- Posts
- 137,532
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his pecker and gives the trucker a blowjob.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his pecker and gives the trucker a blowjob.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
G
Guest
Guest
Corrective surgery
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty
inches and was close to dragging on the ground. Ralph became
quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the
couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through
corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen
Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty
inches and was close to dragging on the ground. Ralph became
quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the
couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through
corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen
Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
TheOverlord
Walking into the sunset
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2003
- Posts
- 8,619
xx--jasmine--xx said:Corrective surgery
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty
inches and was close to dragging on the ground. Ralph became
quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the
couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through
corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen
Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
lol
GrittyRingo
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2002
- Posts
- 553
Man walks into the doctor's surgery with a load of strawberrys on his head.
Doctor says: I'll give you some cream to put on it!
Boom Boom
Doctor says: I'll give you some cream to put on it!
Boom Boom
G
Guest
Guest
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
A voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
barn888
Pussy lickin fool!
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2003
- Posts
- 14,465
xx--jasmine--xx said:Corrective surgery
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty
inches and was close to dragging on the ground. Ralph became
quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the
couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through
corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen
Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
HAHA!
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
LdyBGemini
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2002
- Posts
- 1,927
New Drink...
>Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon
>be available in liquid form and will be marketed by
>Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
>mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
>pour himself a stiff one.
>Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
>drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
> "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned
>"stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
> of:
>
>"MOUNT & DO."
>Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon
>be available in liquid form and will be marketed by
>Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
>mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
>pour himself a stiff one.
>Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
>drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
> "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned
>"stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
> of:
>
>"MOUNT & DO."
G
Guest
Guest
Re: New Drink...
LdyBGemini said:
LdyBGemini
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2002
- Posts
- 1,927
Truly PROFOUND
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of
jalapeños --you never know what's going to burn your ass.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat
you with experience.
13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
15) The more Shit you put up with, the more Shit you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home .. . . Adjust!
18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
22) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
a boner, make him a sandwich!
23) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show
him how to work it!
24) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap!
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of
jalapeños --you never know what's going to burn your ass.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat
you with experience.
13) Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
15) The more Shit you put up with, the more Shit you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home .. . . Adjust!
18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
22) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
a boner, make him a sandwich!
23) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show
him how to work it!
24) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap!
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you
doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I
have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."
"Why?" said his father.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think
he wants to buy Mom."
father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you
doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I
have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."
"Why?" said his father.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think
he wants to buy Mom."
Kidnapped Wife
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.
She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.
She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
Sunbathing
A rather well proportioned young lady,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist,
she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."
A rather well proportioned young lady,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist,
she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."
BREAKING OFF
Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their
engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"...Sue me for child support."
Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their
engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"...Sue me for child support."
