Jokes

[English Lady]

*LMAO*

Pick-Up Lines That Might Get You Killed


If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!!!!!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

Can I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll put my head in.

 

[barn888]

*LMAO*

Pick-Up Lines That Might Get You Killed


If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!!!!!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

Can I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll put my head in.

HAHA! Those are great, English Lady!

 

[barn888]

 

[higherlevel4u]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

 

[English Lady]

*LMAO* that made me really laugh out loud higher

 

[higherlevel4u]

These are actual Instruction Labels...


? ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
? ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
? ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
? ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
? ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
? ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
? ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
? ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
? ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
? ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
? ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
? ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
? ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
? ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
? ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
? ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

 

[English Lady]

*roflmao*

 

[English Lady]

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, ''If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' With even greater emphasis he said, ''And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' And then finally, he said, ''And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, ''For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'''

 

[Guest]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

*coffee spew*

roflmao

 

[biggbear8]

Subject: men and woman
>
>I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women
differ
>so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I
>never have figured out why men think with their head and women with
their
>heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene
gets
>thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
>
>One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
>
>Well, the passion starts to heat up, we start touching, feeling and I
am
>thinking tonight is a green light!!!! Then out of no where she says,
"I
>don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
>
>I said, "WHAT? ? "
>
>So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.
She
>explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
Woman.
>
>I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that
nothing is
>going to happen that night, so I went to bed.
>
>The very next day we went shopping at a big department store. I walked
>around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't
decide
>which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then
tells
>me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.
And
>then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond
earrings.
>Let me tell you . . . she was so excited. She must have thought that I
was
>one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think
she was
>testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't
even
>play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it
was OK.
>
>She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have
seen
>her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash
register."
>
>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't
feel
>like buying all this stuff now. " You should have seen her face . . .
it
>went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to
HOLD
>this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was
going
>to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs
as a
>Man."
>
>I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring
thaw
>2005

 

[biggbear8]

I though you might get a laugh out of this!
>
>Subject: viagra ingredients
>
>I knew it, I knew it. They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:
>
>3% Vitamin E
>
>2% Aspirin
>
>2% Ibuprofen
>
>1% Vitamin C
>
>5% Spray Starch
>
>87% Fix-A-Flat
>

 

[biggbear8]

Six stages of married life:

1:
Tri-weekly
2:
Try weekly
3:
Try weakly
4.
Try oysters
5:
Try anything
6:
Try to remember

 

[biggbear8]

just how broke are you ??????????


I'm so broke, if a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn't have enough to leave the couch!

I'm so broke that I just went into McDonalds's and put a small fry on layaway.

If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber!

"I'm so broke," just to rub two nickels together," I'd have to borrow one."

We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.

I'm so broke, if a 7 course meal cost a penny I'd have to throw-up to eat.

I'm so broke I'd have to fart in my wallet to have a sent

I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back.

I'm so broke, long distance companies don't even call me to switch!

If I stopped on a dime, I'd probably owe it to someone.

I ain't broke, but I'm severely bent.

If our father didn't cut holes in our pockets at Christmas, we wouldn't have had anything to play with.

People from the church would run over animals in front of our house to help with food.

Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "moving".

If they had 10 cent boat rides down the river, all I could do is run down the bank hollering "That's real cheap!"

I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention!

A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"

I'm so broke me and my girlfriend got married for the rice.

I'm so broke that when someone saw my mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one."

We're so broke that if someone rings our doorbell I have to yell "Ding Dong!" out the window.

I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

 

[biggbear8]

A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to
the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms
here?"

She says "Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know" he replies.

"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants,
takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom,
"EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE.
EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."

They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.

Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to
checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"

He says "Well, I don't know."

She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a
couple of tugs and then says over the intercom,
"LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE.
LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."

They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up
to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you
guys sell any condoms here?"

"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know" he says.

She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the
intercom,

"CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE.
CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."

 

[tonitits]

How to Impress a Woman:

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the ends of the earth and back for her.


How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked,
Bring food,
Don't block the TV

 

[Lordknightspoetry]

How do you confuse a man?

take him to an all you can eat buffet, but tell him there's a time limit

 

[rosylady]

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know,
last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building,
by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building
are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into
the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the
bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could
happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes
the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked
quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that
must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just
as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries
him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the
hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the
balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors
...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender
turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you
can be a real jerk."

 

[rosylady]

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she
said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and
respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach
me how to make a great lasagna."

 

[barn888]

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she
said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and
respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach
me how to make a great lasagna."

LOL.

 

[higherlevel4u]

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."

 

[higherlevel4u]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer, and women with big tits."

 

[GrittyRingo]

Heard about the new morning after pill for men?

It changes your blood group!

 

[higherlevel4u]

Heard about the new morning after pill for men?

It changes your blood group!

Nice one, Ringo!

 

[Guest]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer, and women with big tits."

lmaooo !!!
now that's a good one !!

 

[Guest]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class one day. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yelled. "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well, miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment was more severe. "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bent over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asked.

"Well, teacher, based on what I just saw, my school days are over."