I'd appreciate some serious advice from the women, please.

[YogiBare]

Most of you know that I am the divorced father of a not-quite-eleven-year-old daughter whom I totally adore. She is going through puberty and could get her period at any time now. It could start while she is at my apartment. (She spends numerous overnights here.) It could come while her mother is out of town. She is very sensitive about her bodily changes and has told her mother that she is worried that it would start at my place.

I've lived with women for much of my life and am not at all uncomfortable with the biological stuff. I'm working on coming to terms emotionally with the reality that my little girl is becoming a woman. I know the obvious stuff about what to do and what NOT to do if her period starts while she is with me, like be sure to have sanitary napkins, give positive messages about it to her, etc. What I'm wondering is, what was the experience of getting your menses for the first time like for you? What were your emotions? Did any of you have any interactions about it with your fathers when it happened? If so, what did your father do and say and how did it make you feel? Any advice???? I usually feel pretty surefooted as a father, but on this one I need
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Guest]

My father sent me flowers.

It's such a scary yet exciting age. The key is to give her attention without overdoing it. She's embarking upon grand adventures but she isn't gonna want Daddy watching her every move.

Celebrate with her. I don't know you or your daughter well enough as to what to suggest. My guess is that you may already have some ideas.

She's a lucky little lady.

 

[QuickDuck]

I have to admitt i don;t envy you.

On the other hand, I have to agree that she is a lucky girl to have a father like yourself who is concerned about doing the right thing and not making her uncomfortable about it.

Good luck mate.

/wave
QuickDuck

 

[Calamity Jane]

I think you'll be fine, Yogi. My mother didn't even know I'd started mine until my second or third one when I told her we were out of tampons. I'm the middle of 5 girls, so when I started, I was pretty sure what was going on, and what to do.

You're on the right track... have everything available, talk to her, maybe take her out to dinner at a 'grown-up' restaurant... something 'womanly'.

 

[YogiBare]

Thanks, raindancer!

Flowers are a great idea! She loves them.

(jotting down note, "Send flowers."

second note, "Stay cool.")

 

[KillerMuffin]

Talk to your ex and find out if she's covered the bases. Girls would rather hear about this from mom.

Find out what your ex intends to introduce her to and then make sure it's a pad. 11 year olds should not be inserting things. Get some pads, medium flow unobtrusive sized bag, and store them next to or on top of the toilet paper then let the tp run out. She'll find them herself.

Or stick them under the sink and take her aside. Tell her that you are aware that she's growing up to be a young woman and that in case any accidents happen you've got something for her under the sink. Tell her she can keep it there or put it in her private area. Tell her to let you know if she runs out and needs more. You've gotten your point across and you never mentioned the embarrassing things. Anyway, a little embarrassment isn't going to hurt anything even though she'll carry on as if it does.

Ah, after the big announcement, if she's the shy type, give her the space she needs to face you again and then never bring it up.

 

[KillerMuffin]

"Embarking on grand adventures..."

I've never considered my menstrual cycle in quite that light, but it's insanely appropriate, all things considered. Though it's not I who is embarking, but those who have to put up with me.

 

[Cheyenne]

32 years ago and I still remember it well. I got my first period about an hour before we left to take me to church camp for a week. Really. Emotionally I was ready for it since I knew from my body changes that I was likely to get it at any time.

I told my mom and she got out the supplies. Back then it was sanitary belts and pads you hooked in both in front and in back- no adhesive strips! I didn't want to miss swimming for the whole camp so I begged my mom to show me how to insert a tampon. She actually inserted the first one for me to show me how.

I was doing fine until my mom told my dad. He tried to crack a joke about what it must be like to have to walk with a diaper between your legs and did a funny little walk to show me. Whatever you do, please don't joke with your daughter about it. It wasn't funny at all, and I remember it this many years later.

You may want to show your daughter where the supplies are at your house in your bathroom before she gets her period so she doesn't have to come ask you for them if she does need them.

Another suggestion- have some midol or something on hand for her in case she needs it. My first few periods were very painful with bad cramps.

 

[amelia]

my dad actually raised me..along with my step mom(my "real" mom abandoned me when i was three..but that's another thread) so he played a big role when it came to things like that...he was very accepting when it happened..he made sure i had everything i needed..and then he didn't mention it again for a while...

i'd just like to second what the others have already said..

be ready..don't make to big of a deal..understand that it is a big deal

 

[Silverluna]

DON'T PANIC...oh too late....um...*my*First time...was a bit disturbing...I was 11 like your daughter...I had it over night...I just thought I well you know...pooped! (it was DARK DARK RED) ....so i showered and cleaned up the stain...then later i told mom...i was so scared...she wasnt mad though...
After that...I had to carry a purse!!! But all I can say is...just um...hang in there? Its only like 7 out of 30 something days....

 

[His_kitty]

I believe I was eleven when mine occurred.

While in the restroom I discovered that the 'curse' had paid me a visit. My mother had prepared me for this however, I calmly called for her to come and show me where she kept the sanitary napkins, tidied up and went back to the living room to finish watching a program with my father.

He asked what was going on, why I needed my mother to come to the bathroom. Because I didn't see it as a big deal, something to be ashamed or embarrassed about, I simply told him what had happened. He gave me a hug and said something like I wasn't a little girl anylonger. (When your a kid, you love hearing something like that)


Now mind you this was my father, any other male and I would have been mortified. Even at 28, I would be. I have never asked my spouse to run to the store and pick up my items for me.


Guess the best thing to do, if she hasn't already, is for your ex-wife to explain everything to her, even show her how to use a sanitary napkin.

Having the sanitary napkins on hand is a great idea .... that way she'll not worry about having to ask you to run and pick some up, and if she doesn't wish to tell you right away she 'got it' she won't have to. At least not until she's comfortable doing so.


I think it's great that your so concerned, most wouldn't be. She's a lucky kid, and your a lucky Daddy.



kitty

 

[Kitte]

Preperation is the key, have a long talk with your ex about exactly how they are planning on handling it. And as the above posters said, in a 'hey im cool with this' kind of way let her know where the supplies are and that if she wants to talk you are comfortable with it but you also understand if she isn't.

Just to share the horror. I got mine when I was almost 10 and my aunt who was raising me with my father told him at the dinner table I was mortified. I still think of it every time I get my period before dinner. Off to another year of therapy for me

 

[YogiBare]

Thanks for the great advice, everyone.

QuickDuck, thanks for the complement and good wishes.

pcg - It sounds like you really took it in stride. That's great! My daughter's an "only" and won't have an older sister to help her through. I wish she did, but also believe that she'll do just fine. (jots note: "Nice dinner out - no McDonald's.")

KM - Great ideas. And thanks for being so specific. Her mother has done a great job of preparing her for the big event. I think that you're suggesting that I set everything up in advance and clue her into what is available to her so that, if she wants to, she can handle it without even telling me that it has started. I like that a whole lot - it allows her to choose whatever degree of privacy that she wants. As for raindancer's comment about grand adventure, I'd imagine that it must be insane to have to go through menarche and generic adolescence at the same time. It gives me a new respect for the survival abilities of teenage girls - and their parents! Thanks again.

 

[TN_Vixen]

well, my Dad pretty much stayed out of our personal issues growing up. He left that all up to my Mom... but, my Mom never really discussed my period with me, I learned all about it from my best friend - who got her period 2 years before I did and never let me forget she was a "woman" before me. heh.. we were very competitive. btw.. I was 13 before I got my period.

Anyway, I remember being painfully aware of the changes in my body and too shy to even wear a bathing suit at the swimming pool without wearing a t-shirt over it because I didn't want my growing breasts to be seen. I hid the fact I started my period from everyone in my family... my Mom only found out because she saw stains in my underwear doing the laundry.

Whatever you do, please approach it with caution. Girls at that age are extremely sensitive about the changes in their body.

 

[cherrylips_au]

Yogibare I think it's great that you have approached this in the way you have.

My first time was scary, exciting, embarrasing but I knew just another part of growing up. My father wasn't involved at all and he wouldn't have wanted to be.

Be there for your daughter, let her have her own space so she can adjust to her emotions about it as well. I think the idea of the flowers and the dinner are good ideas that even if she doesn't start her periods at your place, it could give you both away of accepting that she is growing into a young lady but will always be your little girl.

Good luck I'm sure you both will cope just fine.

 

[Aphrodisiac]

Yogi,

Every one has given excellent advice about having maxi pads @ your place and making sure your daughter knows where she can find them in case she gets her period while she is staying with you.

My advice would be treat her like you treat her every day. Don't try to go into that whole " you are a woman " speech. If she does get that speech I am sure your ex will fill her in on that topic.

My father was ever present in our every day lives and he did not shy away from such matters, because my mom worked @ night my father knew how to care for us and talk to us about every thing in our lifes. When he found out I got my period all he did was asked me if I was feeling okay and that was it.

I hope this helps a little.

 

[Allexus_TN]

I was 12, and we had just arrived at the beach. And I do mean JUST ARRIVED. I went to the bathroom and thought "Oh no, not now." My mother, meaning well, announced it to my father as if I had won first prize in the spelling bee or something. Bless his heart, he asked if I was OK, and did I need "anything." I was mortified at the time that he even knew, but now, I think he handled it like a pro.
Stay calm, act like you've had little girls start their periods before. Keep some ibuprofen handy too. Ya never know what cramps might arise. Ice cream and such also. A "little treat" to let her know she's still Daddy's Little Girl.

 

[KillerMuffin]

If you can afford it, make the dinner a dress up affair so that she has to wear really nice clothes. Then make it a yearly event. That will create some really wonderful memories both of you cherish.

I like that idea PCG, I think I'll carry it through for my son. Once he hits 11.

I'm not too sure about taking her to dinner cause she got her period, that's well, I would freak out. It depends on how practical versus melodramatic she is. You may want to take her to dinner simply because she's now a young woman and not a child and base it on her age or that she'll be in 7th grade next year or 6th or whatever.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

My father talk about things like this????? lmao.. yeah right But then he is in his 70's now and men never really talked about that type of things back then to their daughters I think.......

Even though she might know what is going to happen she still might be embrassed when it does happen. Even though you both might be close to each other and talk about evrything. The point that it "just" happened and she has told she is a woman when it happens she may be shy....

As long as you have pads on hand for her I'm sure you will do just fine..... just the fact you came and asked us all our advice on the matter shows you are a caring parent....

 

[YogiBare]

Cheyenne - Wow! How easily I could have fallen into the pit of cracking a joke to try to relieve the tension. I do that all the time. You're right, though, that any joke when she's feeling that sensitive could very easily be a disaster. Having midol on hand is another great idea that never would have occurred to me. Thanks!

amelia - Be accepting, give her space, be low key. I'm so sorry about your mom having run off when you were so young. Sounds like you had an incredible relationship with your father! He must be mighty special.

Silverluna - I guess that when I show her the supplies, I'll also say that, since it will be so new to her, I'm expecting that there will be a mess, and that I won't care about that, but will be mostly wanting her to have whatever she needs. (Whooo - what a long sentence.) Thanks.

His_kitty - Thanks. I will make a point of commenting on its being a milestone of her growing up. I told her a couple of weeks ago that I love seeing her grow into a wonderful young woman, one of whom I am very proud. I did almost all of the grocery shopping during the ten years that I was shopping. I felt a bit awkward the first time that I stood staring at all the sanitary products, trying to find the ones my wife requested. I thought that women would think that I was a pervert. It wasn't nearly as bad, though, as the horror I felt at age 17 when I went into the drug store and had to ask the clerk for condoms! (This was before they set them out in the aisles for you to get for yourself.)

Kitte - I am cool with this. Yes. I AM cool with this. I am cool with THIS. I am COOL. (OK, this needs a bit more work.)

 

[YogiBare]

Vixen (and EVERYONE) - Thanks SO much for sharing your story. It's sounding like being sensitive to her sensitivity is the key. I can do this. This is starting to give me more confidence.

cherrylips and KM - I think that I will do the flowers and dinner regardless of whether or not her period starts when she is with me. Maybe I'll wait a bit before I do the dinner to let her recover from her embarassment some, and I'll make it for all of the things that you suggest, her rite of passage into womanhood. Taking her out to a dress-up dinner annually is another excellent idea. The dress-up dinner in an elegant restaraunt will be a way to show here how a gentleman treats a woman like a lady.

Aphrodesiac - Thanks. I get your point about not rushing into the "You are a Woman now" speech. I'll really need to guage how she is feeling and what she is needing (and when). This is what I try to do normally, and really the only thing that would prevent me from doing this here would be my own anxiety. This is helping.

Allexus - You know, that's an excellent point about doing something to reassure her that she's still my little girl. In some ways, she will ALWAYS be just that. I don't want to have her worry that she will lose that, because I do know that it is very important to her. And to me.

T.H. - I suppose that I need to expect her to feel shy and embarassed - and that this is a very normal reaction for her to have. We are very close and we do talk about everything, but she may very well not be ready to talk right when it happens. I've already told her that, if she feels like she needs her mother when her period starts, I will support her going to spend that time with her, even if it is my scheduled time to be with her. No objections or anger.

 

[cymbidia]

You've gotten some really fine advice, Yogi, as you know. I have nothing to add to but a simple recounting of my experiences with this.

My mother the nurse was always quite open and natural about matters pertaining to bodies, consequently i knew i what was coming my way long before it happened. When it did, it was overnight. A girl when i went to sleep, a young woman when i awoke. In the next hour, i learned how to wear a pad and how to get blood-soaked underwear into cold (not hot) water right away to try get the stains out. (Hydrogen peroxide works, too.) I can't remember any angst at all about the subject. My mom told my dad and he gave me a big grin and a thumb's up - that was all. However, he'd grown up as the only brother to six sisters. In my house there was my mother, me, and two younger sisters. I'm pretty sure periods didn't bother my dad at all.

My daughter, well, that's another story. She was in the hospital dying of anorexia-related stuff before she ever had a first period. Through the agonizing slowness of her recovery, her doctors and therapists and nutritionists and relatives and family friends and neighbors and everyone in our lives knew that the final benchmark of her return to health would be the onset of her menses. When that happened for the first time in her life, we would all know her body was turned back on, it was working normally again, and we could all rejoice then in the fact that she would recover.

So everyone was just kinda sittting around, twiddling our thumbs, waiting for her to get her first period. She knew it and hated it, being the naturally shy kinda girl that she is. I'd told her all the salient facts long ago. She knew what to expect. She had supplies. We were all (many many people scattered over three continents) simply waiting for her to get that first period.

When it finally occured (12.5 years old), she told me very shyly. I told everyone else in the world, as i had to. Calls came in, congratulating her, us, on the joyousness of the occasion. She was DEATHLY embarassed by all the attention at what she felt should have been a far more private moment, but she knew, too, what this meant to all of us, all who had worked so hard for so long to get her up and running again, so to speak. I'm sure she'll never forget the story of her first period and will do everything in her power to insure her daughter has a more private time of it.

(No expressions of "hope she continues to get better" are necessary. She's almost 14 now and the anorexia is completely behind her. I thank you for the impulse, though. Anorexia is something i had to learn a lot about, sadly. It's a silent killer of almost epidemic proportions of young teenaged girls in our society today. No one really gives a flying fuck, either. Young teenaged girls are a segment of the population who are largely powerless and moneyless; why throw money at a disease affecting them?)

 

[YogiBare]

cym - Thanks so much for sharing your stories. That's quite the dramatic story about your daughter's first menses. I'm sorry for both of you that it had to be that way. I think that anorexia is viewed by society today much like schizophrenia was 100 years ago, Shame, blame, guilt, hide it, and don't talk about it. It's a problem that effects at least 5% of girls and young women, has been with us throughout history, and occurs across cultures throughout the world. What a damned shame. I'm so happy that your daughter has recovered.

 

[Bindii]

I was working part time on weekends in a bakery when my first period came...I had to call home to ask if someone could please bring some clean underwear and pads into work for me. My mother was out - and my father was mortified. He just didn't talk about things like that.... Needless to say he arrived at work with a huge brown paper bag, he somehow managed to walk in, hand me the bag and ask if I was ok without actually taking his eyes off the floor!

What a great father you are Yogi, your daughter should be proud!

 

[IA951]

This reminds me of that King of the Hill episode where connie get's her first period and hank wraps her up in a blanket and takes her to the hospital after trying to call peggy at work and after he hangs up on his own mother.