How do you help someone get over being abused

[Bandit58]

That was the whole point of what I was saying earlier. It is a direct consequence of the abuse he suffered. He did not purposely go against what I was saying, he just did not interpret things correctly.

Now, in one incident, he did knowingly ignore my saying the safe word. He acknowledged that what he did was wrong. However, it was also a fullfillment of a sexual fantasy of his. Something done once never to be done again. Most of the time I understand. Sometimes I feel angry about it. The fantasy could not have come true any other way. It had to be real, not enacted or roleplayed.

Anything that happened occured in bed when we were already involved in sexual activity. What you don't seem to understand is that our relationship is not limited to the bedroom. Primarily, we are people, very good friends, and very intimate emotionally. There is a big difference between being abused in a *relationship* and having a few fuck-ups in bed. You can have a relationship without sex. Easily. If you are being controlled or abused in a *relationship*, it is difficult to work around. If the problem is disrespect in bed, you can choose not go to bed until you feel you have resolved the problem.

Regardless of the status of the relationship in or out of bed, the words "no" and "stop" are pretty universal and not liable to misinterpretation. What he did to you was abuse. He raped you. He can be sweet and loving outside the bedroom but the minute you tell him to stop and he doesn't, that violates everything. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who I couldn't trust to respect me by stopping everything the second I told him to.

I've learned that the hard way. I was raped by the man I spent 23 years married to. If I had had the guts to break it off with him the minute he didn't stop when I said to, I wouldn't have gone through so much crap in my life. I also broke off another relationship with an older man (before I got together with Gil) who thought it was his right to do things to me that hurt, because "that was nothing beside what your new Master will be doing to you". HA little did he know that Master treats me with love and respect. I know that as soon as my safe word is uttered everything will STOP.

And was it absolutely essential that he enact that particular fantasy?? I mean, I have fantasies that will be staying as fantasies, because I know that I couldn't handle them happening in real life. And to hurt someone that he professes to love and care for, just to get a fantasy out of his system......I'm sorry but it all sounds very wrong to me.......

 

[calantha]

Being there for the person just to listen.. cause a lot of the time that's what they need the most, is some one who will just sit and listen..

 

[Bandit58]

Being there for the person just to listen.. cause a lot of the time that's what they need the most, is some one who will just sit and listen..

Hi calantha Thanks for posting! Listening and being a friend is one of the most important things you can do for someone. I had a wonderful friend back in NZ who I had so many coffees and drinks with and talked all night with.....she had been through a similar experience to mine.

I also posted on this thread......it really did help to put things in perspective and to get feedback and support from others. It is also one of the threads where Gil and I met here on Lit, and now we live together in Sydney Australia

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Bandit58
Regardless of the status of the relationship in or out of bed, the words "no" and "stop" are pretty universal and not liable to misinterpretation. What he did to you was abuse. He raped you. He can be sweet and loving outside the bedroom but the minute you tell him to stop and he doesn't, that violates everything. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who I couldn't trust to respect me by stopping everything the second I told him to.

I've learned that the hard way. I was raped by the man I spent 23 years married to. If I had had the guts to break it off with him the minute he didn't stop when I said to, I wouldn't have gone through so much crap in my life. I also broke off another relationship with an older man (before I got together with Gil) who thought it was his right to do things to me that hurt, because "that was nothing beside what your new Master will be doing to you". HA little did he know that Master treats me with love and respect. I know that as soon as my safe word is uttered everything will STOP.

And was it absolutely essential that he enact that particular fantasy?? I mean, I have fantasies that will be staying as fantasies, because I know that I couldn't handle them happening in real life. And to hurt someone that he professes to love and care for, just to get a fantasy out of his system......I'm sorry but it all sounds very wrong to me.......

This is concerning Ava's post...
I agree with you BANDIT! "NO" & "STIOP" means it is something you are not in agreement with and if the person continues, no matter what the reason may be for continuing, it is a violation of you as a person and your well being (mental, emotional and physical) which equals to RAPE!

I, too, was in an abusive relationship (17 1/2 years of hell and I didn't realize it until the years had gone by) and it took a lot of time alone, talking with a very close friend and coming to grips with my own needs and finding happiness beyond a life wondering if I'll live through the next day. To my ex "NO" and "STOP" meant the complete opposite and he raped me a number of times and yet when I went to the authorites (both military since he was medically retired and the civilian authorities) after seeing and hearing ads about women needing to come forth and make it known that the men in their lives are abusing them, taking them against their will, I was shuffled and lost among the paperwork and sad to say nothing was done. Well, except for the military whose mentality is stuck in the neanderthal days where they believed "a woman deserves what she gets" and a woman has to accept the actions of her husband/man and understand men have more stress in their lives. Yeah, right!

I found the courage to step forward and end that relationship. I have to admit, I also was at my wits end and seriously thought about suicide (which I had tried twice unsuccessfully during the latter 7 years of that marriage) but something inside of me woke up when I was introduced to a man I only thought was a dream; he's caring, loving, knows, listens and abides whenever I say "No", "Stop" or other safe words.

Trust is a major component of a relationship and if there is any doubt then it must be addressed and taken care of even if it means going your own separate ways. Like BANDIT, I would not want to be in a relationship without trust. Respect goes hand in hand with trust and the two (Trust and Respect) equals love in my books!

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by calantha
Being there for the person just to listen.. cause a lot of the time that's what they need the most, is some one who will just sit and listen..

Having someone there who would sit and listen is a breath of fresh air for many. It takes just one person who they can turn to without feeling pressured into answering questions or being judged.

I had a friend, a male friend, whose looks intimidated everyone (he was very tall, large and a true biker) except me. Once we got to know each other we grew close and were able to share things and listen to one another. We cried, laughed, talked and became so close we could sense what the other person was feeling or thinking without speaking a word. Now that is close...soul mates I'd say.

Anyway, the last time we sat together and talked he said "Shortie babe, you'll know when it's time to walk away and when you do you won't turn back. Life will get better and you won't regret your decision." He passed away a year before I decided to file for a divorce and live life withouut fear. When I attended his funeral I felt lost because my best friend was taken from me but I soon realized despite his not being physically here for me he will always be with me in my heart and memories. That helped me go through the divorce and deal with the aftermath of moving on with my life and learning to trust and love someone else whom I'm happy to say loves and cares for me with all of his heart and reminds me of my friend in some ways. I never thoought I'd be able to love or trust another man again but I thought wrong.

My friend sat and listened as I did with him and it helped in more ways than one. We shared our thoughts without judgement and it was a truly unique relationship with a man everyone feared to sit next to or talk to (hmmm, somehow some people react the same with my SO, lol).

It is rare these days to find people who won't go around and "talk" about what you shared with him/her much less have someone who would truly sit and listen. If you find someone like that you are lucky...I know I am; happy, too.


Through my friend I realized also that our lives didn't have to center around the other person who you can sit and talk to; getting together, spending time perhaps once a month or more is fine but being there when that someone needs to talk is priceless.

 

[babydoll_73]

This is officially the worst time of my life. After being without a job for 3 years I finally got one. I was driving a school bus and I was really happy. Not the fake happy that I was playing to most people but honestly happy. I had the man I love, great friends, and a job. That lasted about a week. There was a mechanical problem on the bus and the gas pedal stuck down and I got in an accident with a tree. It was completely not my fault but because I was within my probationary period they had to fire me. I was so depressed. Then I thought I had good friends but it turns out that they are all backstabbing assholes who wanna talk shit about me. My one "friend" is cheating on her husband and a few of us know. Yet she sticks her nose in shit that doesn't concern her and lies about shit. Then the girl who is supposed to be my best friend listens to her lies and believes them. Now she is pissed at me. I should be pissed at her and I am. So now it is me and Brian. At least I have him. We are going to be moving to Florida. We are staying with my mother until we get jobs and a house. I just need to get away from these people and start somewhere else. I don't need this shit in my life. Constantly wondering who is my real friend and getting depressed over all this shit. In the past 2 weeks I have contemplated suicide. Thank God for Brian. But I have resorted back to my cutting. Which is really bad. I haven't done it too bad but a few cuts. I feel bad about it now but then it felt soo good. I am back seeing my therapist. Maybe she can help me. All this right around the year anniversary of when my dad died. Well I didn't mean to bring everybody done. Please conitue with you normal conversation

 

[Gil_T2]

This is officially the worst time of my life. After being without a job for 3 years I finally got one. I was driving a school bus and I was really happy. Not the fake happy that I was playing to most people but honestly happy. I had the man I love, great friends, and a job. That lasted about a week. There was a mechanical problem on the bus and the gas pedal stuck down and I got in an accident with a tree. It was completely not my fault but because I was within my probationary period they had to fire me. I was so depressed. Then I thought I had good friends but it turns out that they are all backstabbing assholes who wanna talk shit about me. My one "friend" is cheating on her husband and a few of us know. Yet she sticks her nose in shit that doesn't concern her and lies about shit. Then the girl who is supposed to be my best friend listens to her lies and believes them. Now she is pissed at me. I should be pissed at her and I am. So now it is me and Brian. At least I have him. We are going to be moving to Florida. We are staying with my mother until we get jobs and a house. I just need to get away from these people and start somewhere else. I don't need this shit in my life. Constantly wondering who is my real friend and getting depressed over all this shit. In the past 2 weeks I have contemplated suicide. Thank God for Brian. But I have resorted back to my cutting. Which is really bad. I haven't done it too bad but a few cuts. I feel bad about it now but then it felt soo good. I am back seeing my therapist. Maybe she can help me. All this right around the year anniversary of when my dad died. Well I didn't mean to bring everybody done. Please conitue with you normal conversation

BABYDOLL.... like you finding a partner who loves you & you love is fantastic & poor BANDIT my loverly lady has been through so much with my health problems since June this year but she does give me strength you must draw on his love to keep you going in the right direction & please stop the cutting as it is pointless, forget the negatives & concentrate on the positives, suicide only hurts those who love you & I'm sure Brian would suffer greatly if you did.
Your so called friends seem to be a lot of very shallow ppl who you'll likely be way better off without.
I hope your plans to move go smoothly & Florida has better weather than it has had of late.

Fight for your future. & good luck.

 

[babydoll_73]

BABYDOLL.... like you finding a partner who loves you & you love is fantastic & poor BANDIT my loverly lady has been through so much with my health problems since June this year but she does give me strength you must draw on his love to keep you going in the right direction & please stop the cutting as it is pointless, forget the negatives & concentrate on the positives, suicide only hurts those who love you & I'm sure Brian would suffer greatly if you did.
Your so called friends seem to be a lot of very shallow ppl who you'll likely be way better off without.
I hope your plans to move go smoothly & Florida has better weather than it has had of late.

Fight for your future. & good luck.

He has been a great source of strength for me. He has been by my side since this whole mess started. I had a pretty good day today. Plus we are going out tonight. With some real friends. People that I lost touch with over the years that even though we haven't hung out regularly have been there through the tough times. Thank you for your kind and wise words Gil. We are not going until Chirstmas time but I hope it goes smoothly as well. Thanks for listening.

Tina

 

[Sarah Bethany]

My last boyfriend was psychologically abusive, a compulsive liar, and a cheater.

The only thing that helps is time. Time is the only thing that has helped any of the hurt go away for me. Plus having a father who respects women and treats my mom like a queen has helped a lot. I would probably have stayed with that guy if I hadn't been raised by a good man because I realized that I deserve to be with a man who treats me as well as my dad treats my mom. I think one of the most important thing that a father can teach his daughter is that there are men who do respect women.

 

[Gil_T2]

He has been a great source of strength for me. He has been by my side since this whole mess started. I had a pretty good day today. Plus we are going out tonight. With some real friends. People that I lost touch with over the years that even though we haven't hung out regularly have been there through the tough times. Thank you for your kind and wise words Gil. We are not going until Chirstmas time but I hope it goes smoothly as well. Thanks for listening.

Tina

BABYDOLL any time you want to visit please do as this is why this thread is here.

 

[Gil_T2]

My last boyfriend was psychologically abusive, a compulsive liar, and a cheater.

The only thing that helps is time. Time is the only thing that has helped any of the hurt go away for me. Plus having a father who respects women and treats my mom like a queen has helped a lot. I would probably have stayed with that guy if I hadn't been raised by a good man because I realized that I deserve to be with a man who treats me as well as my dad treats my mom. I think one of the most important thing that a father can teach his daughter is that there are men who do respect women.

SARAH it's pleasing to see that your dad was such a positive male in your life, it does amaze me how so many of the abusers are liars & cheats.

Love = honesty & respect.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMPING THE THREAD ALONG.......

 

[kikmosa]

Now, in one incident, he did knowingly ignore my saying the safe word. He acknowledged that what he did was wrong. However, it was also a fullfillment of a sexual fantasy of his. Something done once never to be done again. Most of the time I understand. Sometimes I feel angry about it. The fantasy could not have come true any other way. It had to be real, not enacted or roleplayed.

In doing this he took away your right to chose. He used you. In my book, that's rape. No matter how important a persons fantasy is to them, they do NOT have the right to force another to enact them. I'm sorry if you disagree and I respect your right to chose to stay but I will never agree that he had the right to do that to you.

 

[Gil_T2]

Dropping in to say HI to KIKI

&

to

give

the

thread

a

BUMP

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Bumpety, bumpety, bump...just giving the thread a little nudge and popping in to say "Happy Hump Day" and "Aloha".

Dang, it's the first day of Autumn but feels like the dog days of summer!

 

[kikmosa]

Bump

's to all.

 

[Gil_T2]

Dropping in to say HI to KIKI

&

to

give

the

thread

a

BUMP.

 

[kikmosa]

Dropping in to say HI to KIKI

&

to

give

the

thread

a

BUMP.

Hi'ya Gil. How are you doing, Hun?

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi'ya Gil. How are you doing, Hun?

{{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}}
I'm doing OK .....just recovering from the 3rd annual LIT meet we had on the weekend & what a great time we all had catching up with friends we have made at other meets as well as new friends who turned up for the first time.

So that is what is happening here ..... what are things like for you as the seasons change to the cooler months?

 

[kikmosa]

{{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}}
I'm doing OK .....just recovering from the 3rd annual LIT meet we had on the weekend & what a great time we all had catching up with friends we have made at other meets as well as new friends who turned up for the first time.

So that is what is happening here ..... what are things like for you as the seasons change to the cooler months?

Cold and wet, lol. Temp's going down and the rain keeps coming. Don't get out much to see it though. I go to work and I come home. That's it for me. Just too tired to do anything else. Doctor says I'm anemic. Leaves me wrung out all the time.

 

[Gil_T2]

Cold and wet, lol. Temp's going down and the rain keeps coming. Don't get out much to see it though. I go to work and I come home. That's it for me. Just too tired to do anything else. Doctor says I'm anemic. Leaves me wrung out all the time.

KIKI get your self onto some IRON tablets as these will help, I get so wrung out at times & it is the same reason anaemia.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.

He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked!.

Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting
his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!

That's how Creator deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend,
or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when Creator picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for Creator or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

Please pass some of this love on to others....suppose one morning you were called to Step Over; do all your friends know you love them?

I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your
friends that you love them. Even if you think they
don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.

Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!

 

[kikmosa]

KIKI get your self onto some IRON tablets as these will help, I get so wrung out at times & it is the same reason anaemia.

Got to get a problem fixed first. Then it should go away. May have to make it a permanent fix. I'm having a lot of trouble with my cycles because of some of the damage inside. They may have to take everything out to fix the problem.

 

[kikmosa]

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. ..............
Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!

That's beautiful. I love ya too. And everyone here.

 

[Bandit58]

Got to get a problem fixed first. Then it should go away. May have to make it a permanent fix. I'm having a lot of trouble with my cycles because of some of the damage inside. They may have to take everything out to fix the problem.

Hi Kiki *smooch*
I'd try the iron tablets anyway, it can't hurt. Gil has had iron transfusions a couple of times and it's helped a little, and he's on EPO (steroid) injections to help build up the red blood cells.

Hope they don't have to do anything too drastic I've been having trouble with flooding and skipping cycles in the last 18 months (dang perimenopause ). I'm back on the contraceptive pill now which has helped dramatically, but my doctor did say there was a procedure in which they laser the lining of the uterus, "burn" it off in fact, so that periods are very light or non existent. Hope that info helps, it's a lot less traumatic than major surgery *HUGS*