How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

I have to thank you all for your responses to my very genuine question.

Kiki, knowing what you've come thru your answers are very important to me.

Don, thank you my friend for what I know is your genuine interest, I shall take the time to read thru the link and absorb what I can.

It's just so hard to trust another when my experience has been other wise. I'm sure I'll get there, but I'm so afraid.

Thank you.

LADTBIRD...I was in the same boat as you before BANDIT
& I met then it all fell into place for us BUT these feeling were still very much alive but pushed to the rear & even now with all my loverly lady has done for me it still arises from time to time even though BANDIT assures me it's in the past, I know too it does concern her as her past hasn't been great either but we are making it. PLEASE try to push it to the rear so you can at least try to find happiness with this man.

 

[Gil_T2]

I've learned that i need to trust myself and the life decisions i make.


The other day hubby and I were laying together on the couch and our almost 2 yr old climbed up on us, he was mostly on hubby and he(hubby) put his arm up to keep him from falling off of us. The arm that was under my neck......of course it "had" to go right across my neck and some of my face. NO reaction. NONE.


Then, today i was getting both the kids off the playset in the backyard and my oldest son's shoulder went right into my neck. NO reaction, no freakin out. No panic attack.


I'm finally beginning to understand the whole idea that i *have* to take care of myself first and foremost before i can take care of anyone else even if that includes my family.

This post pleases me as it is you taking control.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: just stopping by

Just wanted to stop in and say "HI" and give a big HUG to everyone while I'm still able to sit wide awake. Still dealing with some other medical problem, pain and awaiting surgery. It's very frustrating but I take things one at a time and very slowly. Life sure looks different when one moves slower than normal, lol.

Aloha to all who joined the thread. Gil hope you have better days ahead. Take care everyone and until next time....


((((((((HUUUUGGGSSS TO ALL!))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{SHADOW_DREAMER}}}}}}}}}}}}

I hope your wait for surgery isn't much longer.

 

[Don K Dyck]

<BUMpitty BUMP BUMP BUMP>

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

<BUMpitty BUMP BUMP BUMP>

Hey there Don. How was your weekend?

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hey there Don. How was your weekend?

Great . . . went down the road 160km to the Bellingen Jazz Festival, one of those "can't miss" events . . . then after doing the beautiful Bellingen Markets in the Park went up th road another 160km to Grafton to see the Archibald Prize winners and entrants.

The weather was beautiful, classic spring, woke up late at 7am to a room filled with streaming golden sunlight and clear crisp air.

For all the non-art people, the Archibald Prize is the ultimate non-acquitive art prize in Australia, worth I think about $A35,000. It has been going for about 80 years, and there is frequently controversy about the winner, including many notorious legal cases challenging the winner on technical grounds. This year was no exception. One disgruntled entrant challenged the use of charcoal rather tha traditional "paint", but was quickly tossed out.

Generally the Packing Room boys can pick the winner, but didn't this year.

The winning painting of David Guripinglu (Sp?) was fabulous . . . huge size about 10 feet by 7 feet, painted on wallpaper stuck to masonite board supported by 2x1 strips behind.

It was a simple head and shoulders portrait done in charcoal (well, he is an Aborigine from Arnhem Land NT and movie star) and the eyes caught you, everywhere you moved in the room, his eyes followed you around.

There were some great portraits, Peter Brock, Jana Wendt won the Packing Room Prize, Tom Hughes QC and a great self portrait by a guy whose name I can't remember.

But the winner stood head and shoulders above a strong field. It said, "I am the best painting here" and it simply was.

 

[Gil_T2]

Great . . . went down the road 160km to the Bellingen Jazz Festival, one of those "can't miss" events . . . then after doing the beautiful Bellingen Markets in the Park went up th road another 160km to Grafton to see the Archibald Prize winners and entrants.

The weather was beautiful, classic spring, woke up late at 7am to a room filled with streaming golden sunlight and clear crisp air.

For all the non-art people, the Archibald Prize is the ultimate non-acquitive art prize in Australia, worth I think about $A35,000. It has been going for about 80 years, and there is frequently controversy about the winner, including many notorious legal cases challenging the winner on technical grounds. This year was no exception. One disgruntled entrant challenged the use of charcoal rather tha traditional "paint", but was quickly tossed out.

Generally the Packing Room boys can pick the winner, but didn't this year.

The winning painting of David Guripinglu (Sp?) was fabulous . . . huge size about 10 feet by 7 feet, painted on wallpaper stuck to masonite board supported by 2x1 strips behind.

It was a simple head and shoulders portrait done in charcoal (well, he is an Aborigine from Arnhem Land NT and movie star) and the eyes caught you, everywhere you moved in the room, his eyes followed you around.

There were some great portraits, Peter Brock, Jana Wendt won the Packing Room Prize, Tom Hughes QC and a great self portrait by a guy whose name I can't remember.

But the winner stood head and shoulders above a strong field. It said, "I am the best painting here" and it simply was.

Sounds like a fun weekend DON.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

Great . . . went down the road 160km to the Bellingen Jazz Festival, one of those "can't miss" events . . . then after doing the beautiful Bellingen Markets in the Park went up th road another 160km to Grafton to see the Archibald Prize winners and entrants.

The weather was beautiful, classic spring, woke up late at 7am to a room filled with streaming golden sunlight and clear crisp air.

For all the non-art people, the Archibald Prize is the ultimate non-acquitive art prize in Australia, worth I think about $A35,000. It has been going for about 80 years, and there is frequently controversy about the winner, including many notorious legal cases challenging the winner on technical grounds. This year was no exception. One disgruntled entrant challenged the use of charcoal rather tha traditional "paint", but was quickly tossed out.

Generally the Packing Room boys can pick the winner, but didn't this year.

The winning painting of David Guripinglu (Sp?) was fabulous . . . huge size about 10 feet by 7 feet, painted on wallpaper stuck to masonite board supported by 2x1 strips behind.

It was a simple head and shoulders portrait done in charcoal (well, he is an Aborigine from Arnhem Land NT and movie star) and the eyes caught you, everywhere you moved in the room, his eyes followed you around.

There were some great portraits, Peter Brock, Jana Wendt won the Packing Room Prize, Tom Hughes QC and a great self portrait by a guy whose name I can't remember.

But the winner stood head and shoulders above a strong field. It said, "I am the best painting here" and it simply was.

I'm glad you had a good weekend. It really sounds like it was a lot of fun. I absolutely love work done in charcoal.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMPBUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMPBUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMPBUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP.

 

[sharpchick]

All the things that have been mentioned are good to use in helping someone get over being abused, but ultimately (for me, at least) the thing that helped me land on my feet was to step out of the role of "victim." That was a conscious decision I had to make on my own, and while the support, encouragment and comfort of some very special people was critical to my recovery, in the end, the most important work was mine to do for myself.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

Ok so something really strange and frustrating happend to me last week. I came home from my inlaws last sunday and there was a number on my caller id that I didn't recognize. I did recognize the area the number was from and thought it may be my family so I called. It was my grandmother that I had not heard from in years. We honestly haven't had much to do with each other since I was 9. It was her husband that molested me and she didn't leave him. She was the one that caught him and neither her or my mom did anything about it.
Anyway she was calling to see how I was, or so she says. Mainly it was just to absolve herself of guilt I think. She apologized for not pursing charges against him and even said that she had divorced him because of it (lies of course but I didn't bother correcting her.) The only thing that I heard new from her was that my mother didn't call the police because she was afriad my father would try and get custody of us. At first I wanted to think my grandmother was lying about this, but I couldn't. My mom is just that type of person and it was still in that time where these things happend and you just didn't talk about it. I have spent most of my life with my mom telling me she didn't pursue it because she didn't want me to have to deal with the stress.
Here is where my problem is. I can deal with my grandmother. I'm fairly sure I won't hear from her until she starts feeling guilty again. It's how she is. What I'm having a problem with is my mother. I haven't been able to think about her for the past week without getting sick to my stomach and angry. I hate this because I thought I was past it and now it's all back here again.

Sorry this was such a long post. I guess I just needed to get it all out. It really helps having somewhere to do that.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Ok so something really strange and frustrating happend to me last week. I came home from my inlaws last sunday and there was a number on my caller id that I didn't recognize. I did recognize the area the number was from and thought it may be my family so I called. It was my grandmother that I had not heard from in years. We honestly haven't had much to do with each other since I was 9. It was her husband that molested me and she didn't leave him. She was the one that caught him and neither her or my mom did anything about it.
Anyway she was calling to see how I was, or so she says. Mainly it was just to absolve herself of guilt I think. She apologized for not pursing charges against him and even said that she had divorced him because of it (lies of course but I didn't bother correcting her.) The only thing that I heard new from her was that my mother didn't call the police because she was afriad my father would try and get custody of us. At first I wanted to think my grandmother was lying about this, but I couldn't. My mom is just that type of person and it was still in that time where these things happend and you just didn't talk about it. I have spent most of my life with my mom telling me she didn't pursue it because she didn't want me to have to deal with the stress.
Here is where my problem is. I can deal with my grandmother. I'm fairly sure I won't hear from her until she starts feeling guilty again. It's how she is. What I'm having a problem with is my mother. I haven't been able to think about her for the past week without getting sick to my stomach and angry. I hate this because I thought I was past it and now it's all back here again.

Sorry this was such a long post. I guess I just needed to get it all out. It really helps having somewhere to do that.

Hi Belle,

From hard experience in a similar matter, I found that the best way of dealing with this prior parental delinquency is to be up front about it.

Firstly, your grandmother is getting old and seems to want to settle past matters to clear her conscience. Her memory will probably recall the "easy bits" rather than the hard realities, especially after this time.

Secondly, your mother will probably remember the same way. It will be difficult for her, admitting to herself, let alone you, that she rationalised your safety and security to prevent her "dreaded former husband" from applying for custody. It seems like she may have been between a rock and a hard place.

So, the resolution. Invite your mother to lunch at a nice place that, if possible, overlooks some water views. Enjoy a nice lunch, get her relaxed and possibly a little mellow with some fine aussie white wine (Yellowtail is good). At the appropriate moment when the coffee is being served, raise the question.

It might go something like this.

"I had a call from grandma the other day."
"Oh, what did she say."
"She talked about the past, about how my grandfather had molested me. I think she may still feel guilty that she did nothing."
"It was a difficult time for all of us. (blah, blah, blah)
"Mum, why didn't you prosecute him for what he did? Did you think that I wasn't important? Did you even ask ME what I felt?"

Then really, after thrashing it out for as long as it takes, tears, emotions and everything, you have really only one sensible course of action. Accept what she says as the final word on the matter and put it all behind you, in the past.

Naturally you will tell her that you refuse to accept any responsibility for the actions of your grandfather, and refuse all guilt and shame for his actions, or the derelict inaction of your maternal relatives. Naturally you will tell her that you are still affected by this incident, all those years ago.

Then possibly you may need some time away from your mother to sort things out in your head for yourself. So take whatever time you need, because your needs are the most important at this time.

YOUR future emotional growth requires letting go and moving on. Moving on to the future that YOU want, where YOU want it, with whom YOU choose.

That does not mean that nothing happened. Rather, it means that you accept that something happened in the past, and you have resolved the situation to your satisfaction and are moving on with the life that YOU plan.

 

[Don K Dyck]

All the things that have been mentioned are good to use in helping someone get over being abused,

but ultimately (for me, at least) the thing that helped me land on my feet was to step out of the role of "victim."

That was a conscious decision I had to make on my own, and while the support, encouragment and comfort of some very special people was critical to my recovery,

in the end, the most important work was mine to do for myself.

How true sharpchick, how true.

My marriage ended after about twenty years when I deliberately refused to be "the victim". The co-dependency treadmill was broken. There could be no more emotional blackmail or subjugation.

I chose to be free, and I was free.

Oh, I stayed around for another too long on the excuse that:
I was there for the kids,
I had too much emotional capital tied up in the relationship;
the family assets required I stay;
my original plan of getting married for life was still relevant, that . . . etc, etc, etc.

Indeed, there were too many excuses to hide behind, rather than accept that the relationship was over and it was time to move on, in so many ways.

 

[Gil_T2]

All the things that have been mentioned are good to use in helping someone get over being abused, but ultimately (for me, at least) the thing that helped me land on my feet was to step out of the role of "victim." That was a conscious decision I had to make on my own, and while the support, encouragment and comfort of some very special people was critical to my recovery, in the end, the most important work was mine to do for myself.

You have hit right on it with your being no longer the victim & I don't think there is much i can say that DON dosen't cover in his usual wise ways.

Most of the ppl you see posting here were victims of some type of abuse so your idea is well shared among us.

 

[Gil_T2]

Ok so something really strange and frustrating happend to me last week. I came home from my inlaws last sunday and there was a number on my caller id that I didn't recognize. I did recognize the area the number was from and thought it may be my family so I called. It was my grandmother that I had not heard from in years. We honestly haven't had much to do with each other since I was 9. It was her husband that molested me and she didn't leave him. She was the one that caught him and neither her or my mom did anything about it.
Anyway she was calling to see how I was, or so she says. Mainly it was just to absolve herself of guilt I think. She apologized for not pursing charges against him and even said that she had divorced him because of it (lies of course but I didn't bother correcting her.) The only thing that I heard new from her was that my mother didn't call the police because she was afriad my father would try and get custody of us. At first I wanted to think my grandmother was lying about this, but I couldn't. My mom is just that type of person and it was still in that time where these things happend and you just didn't talk about it. I have spent most of my life with my mom telling me she didn't pursue it because she didn't want me to have to deal with the stress.
Here is where my problem is. I can deal with my grandmother. I'm fairly sure I won't hear from her until she starts feeling guilty again. It's how she is. What I'm having a problem with is my mother. I haven't been able to think about her for the past week without getting sick to my stomach and angry. I hate this because I thought I was past it and now it's all back here again.

Sorry this was such a long post. I guess I just needed to get it all out. It really helps having somewhere to do that.

Please don't bother about the length of your post as this is exactly why this thread is here.

I can add little to DON's post (I feel so mentally inept after reading his posts) but BANDIT had an interesting thought... do you think that your mum might of also been abused by your grandad?

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

Thank You Don and Gil. It really does just feel better to get it out there sometimes.
It is very easy for me to avoid my mother (she likves about 15 hours away) and I really think that might be the best thing for now. A conversation about reality with her just leads to her telling me how awful her life really is and trying to make me feel like it's all my fault.
I am doing a lot better today and thank you both for your feedback.

Gil, I know she wasn't abused by him. He was her stepfather and her mom had only been married to him for a year or two. She was abused by her uncle and I am guessing that was still a big issue for her.

I was reading the posts about not being the victim and I really think I need to stop letting my family try and put me back there to make themselves feel better. Next time I think I will just tell her that it is in the past and for my sake it needs to stay there. If she can't let it be, then maybe I just need to go back to not having contact with her.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank You Don and Gil. It really does just feel better to get it out there sometimes.
It is very easy for me to avoid my mother (she likves about 15 hours away) and I really think that might be the best thing for now. A conversation about reality with her just leads to her telling me how awful her life really is and trying to make me feel like it's all my fault.
I am doing a lot better today and thank you both for your feedback.

Gil, I know she wasn't abused by him. He was her stepfather and her mom had only been married to him for a year or two. She was abused by her uncle and I am guessing that was still a big issue for her.

I was reading the posts about not being the victim and I really think I need to stop letting my family try and put me back there to make themselves feel better. Next time I think I will just tell her that it is in the past and for my sake it needs to stay there. If she can't let it be, then maybe I just need to go back to not having contact with her.

BANDIT read your post over my shoulder as we often do & she had the idea that your mum had been abused, I re read your post trying to pick up on anything that might have triggered her thought but guess it must be a female thing as she seems to be able to do this often.

I'm thinking back to when ppl started letting abuse not be a subject pushed under the carpet & think it is better to have the subject out there so all who have suffered abuse find that they are NOT responsible for what has happened to them.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMPBUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMPBUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMPBUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP, BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP,BUMP.

Just adding another bump so just incase there is some one needing us they can find us.

 

[AvaAdore]

And frequently abused children of both sexes have a high libido because that way they have some control over their lives. Their ultra-performance in bed means that they must "be all right", even though they feel unsettled. There may be a tendency to "shift the goal posts" when success is at their finger-tips because they have done everything right to be successsful. But success is not sufficient. The pain is still there.

How does a person, male or female, deal with this situation?

The best way undoubtedly is professional help, supportive family members and friends. Talking it out is a common technique. John Bradshaw's Reclaiming the Inner Child technique is very successful. It is a long process, years rather than months, and thankfully very slow.

So, "How do you trust your feelings in a new relationship"?

Firstly, you decide what your boundaries are. Many abused people do not have boundaries because their personal circumstances meant thatthey never learned to establish them. There are some things that are just "off limits".

What behaviours from your new partner are totally unacceptable?

How many chances will you give any partner if these new boundaries are challenged?

Secondly, the present comes in packages called "a day". These are lived one at a time. The past gives us experience. We learn from that. <No point in making the same mistake twice and getting the same stupid result and pain>.

But the future we want comes from the decisions we make today.

This describes my bf perfectly, along with the missing childhood. I posted about this in this thread before...somewhere around page 30.

"No" meant try another way to him, it was a challenge. He definately has a huge libido, and he thinks that would have been quite different had he not been abused.

His whole life, he blocked his emotions out. When he left home to go to university, it was like a dam broke. He was completely emotionally out of control. He had to catch up on 10 years of growing emotionally in a very short time. There were many things he had to learn, one of them being that people are not objects and cannot be treated as such.

Unfortunately, I was (and still am when it shows) on the receiving end of what the abuse did to him. It wasn't pleasant and I still get angry about it sometimes. However, I still care about him and love him a lot, and in the almost 2 years we've been together, he has made enourmous progress.

I knew he would probably be trouble when we first got together, but part of me wanted it. I guess it was an urge to help, to be the hero in some way. Of course, I love him very much as a person and I was quite attracted to him before I knew his history. I'm glad I stayed with him through the tough parts because we have a very good relationship that seems to be getting quite serious.

 

[Don K Dyck]

This describes my bf perfectly, along with the missing childhood. I posted about this in this thread before...somewhere around page 30.

"No" meant try another way to him, it was a challenge. He definately has a huge libido, and he thinks that would have been quite different had he not been abused.

His whole life, he blocked his emotions out. When he left home to go to university, it was like a dam broke. He was completely emotionally out of control. He had to catch up on 10 years of growing emotionally in a very short time. There were many things he had to learn, one of them being that people are not objects and cannot be treated as such.

Unfortunately, I was (and still am when it shows) on the receiving end of what the abuse did to him. It wasn't pleasant and I still get angry about it sometimes. However, I still care about him and love him a lot, and in the almost 2 years we've been together, he has made enourmous progress.

I knew he would probably be trouble when we first got together, but part of me wanted it. I guess it was an urge to help, to be the hero in some way. Of course, I love him very much as a person and I was quite attracted to him before I knew his history. I'm glad I stayed with him through the tough parts because we have a very good relationship that seems to be getting quite serious.

Hi Ava, escaping from a dysfunctional or abusive childhood by going to uni is a common way that people find out about themselves. As you say, it just all falls out, and frequently the person is a real mess, physically and emotionally.

My best mate at uni was one of these people. Gifted with ADD (like the rest of us) and a photographic memory, he under-achieved throughout his undergraduate academic degree. But he scored well in Colleges I, II, and III before being tossed out for being caught in bed with his gf (This was mid-60s, loco parentis wowsers, you know . . . they could ship us off to fight America's war in Vietnam, but we were not allowed to drink on campus or drive a car or visit the opposite sex in their studies.)

Then he dropped out of the Honours programme because he did not feel that he could be successful . . . lack of self confidence.

But more importantly, there is absolutely no reason for you to take any abuse of any kind from your bf. It is his problem, he has to deal with it.

Your devotion to your bf is commendable, but also worrying because it suggests, without further evidence, that you have a skeleton in the cupboard somewhere.

You accept his behaviour, why? Is it because you experienced similar behaviour from your father, or brother(s) or another male family member of friend and so it must be OK behaviour?

Can a relationship be "very good" when you are "on the receiving end of what the abuse did to him"?

Have you set your boundaries with your bf about what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour?

ALWAYS REMEMBER, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE . . . EVER!!!

 

[Gil_T2]

This describes my bf perfectly, along with the missing childhood. I posted about this in this thread before...somewhere around page 30.

"No" meant try another way to him, it was a challenge. He definately has a huge libido, and he thinks that would have been quite different had he not been abused.

His whole life, he blocked his emotions out. When he left home to go to university, it was like a dam broke. He was completely emotionally out of control. He had to catch up on 10 years of growing emotionally in a very short time. There were many things he had to learn, one of them being that people are not objects and cannot be treated as such.

Unfortunately, I was (and still am when it shows) on the receiving end of what the abuse did to him. It wasn't pleasant and I still get angry about it sometimes. However, I still care about him and love him a lot, and in the almost 2 years we've been together, he has made enourmous progress.

I knew he would probably be trouble when we first got together, but part of me wanted it. I guess it was an urge to help, to be the hero in some way. Of course, I love him very much as a person and I was quite attracted to him before I knew his history. I'm glad I stayed with him through the tough parts because we have a very good relationship that seems to be getting quite serious.

WOW what can I add to DON's reply except to say that even though you love someone getting the rough end of the deal isn't right for anyone regardless of their past & YOUR ground rules must be set & respected.

 

[AvaAdore]

But more importantly, there is absolutely no reason for you to take any abuse of any kind from your bf. It is his problem, he has to deal with it.

Your devotion to your bf is commendable, but also worrying because it suggests, without further evidence, that you have a skeleton in the cupboard somewhere.

You accept his behaviour, why? Is it because you experienced similar behaviour from your father, or brother(s) or another male family member of friend and so it must be OK behaviour?

Can a relationship be "very good" when you are "on the receiving end of what the abuse did to him"?

Have you set your boundaries with your bf about what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour?

ALWAYS REMEMBER, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE . . . EVER!!!

hehe, I actually had a perfectly normal childhood. I don't mean *perfect*, but just average. No abuse or anything really bad.

My bf never intentionally hurt me. It was a case (or a few cases) of him not knowing when to stop, and then following that, the lack of emotional maturity to handle the situation. I would get upset, and he would freak out because he didn't know what to do. He always felt terrible about the few times he hurt me. He never meant to.

If I knew he was intentionally trying to make me miserable and hurt me, of course I wouldn't stay in the relationship. He really cares about me, he's romantic, we are quite compatible sexually (except he does have a bigger sex drive than me), and he loves me!

 

[Gil_T2]

hehe, I actually had a perfectly normal childhood. I don't mean *perfect*, but just average. No abuse or anything really bad.

My bf never intentionally hurt me. It was a case (or a few cases) of him not knowing when to stop, and then following that, the lack of emotional maturity to handle the situation. I would get upset, and he would freak out because he didn't know what to do. He always felt terrible about the few times he hurt me. He never meant to.

If I knew he was intentionally trying to make me miserable and hurt me, of course I wouldn't stay in the relationship. He really cares about me, he's romantic, we are quite compatible sexually (except he does have a bigger sex drive than me), and he loves me!

You say "Him not knowing when to stop" I'm still having trouble with this part of your post as even in the BDSM world "SAFE WORDS" are used & in the vanilla world NO or STOP should be all that is needed or even no please I don't want to ...or I don't like that should be all that's needed to someone who is meant to care if not it is abuse of you!

 

[AvaAdore]

You say "Him not knowing when to stop" I'm still having trouble with this part of your post as even in the BDSM world "SAFE WORDS" are used & in the vanilla world NO or STOP should be all that is needed or even no please I don't want to ...or I don't like that should be all that's needed to someone who is meant to care if not it is abuse of you!

That was the whole point of what I was saying earlier. It is a direct consequence of the abuse he suffered. He did not purposely go against what I was saying, he just did not interpret things correctly.

Now, in one incident, he did knowingly ignore my saying the safe word. He acknowledged that what he did was wrong. However, it was also a fullfillment of a sexual fantasy of his. Something done once never to be done again. Most of the time I understand. Sometimes I feel angry about it. The fantasy could not have come true any other way. It had to be real, not enacted or roleplayed.

Anything that happened occured in bed when we were already involved in sexual activity. What you don't seem to understand is that our relationship is not limited to the bedroom. Primarily, we are people, very good friends, and very intimate emotionally. There is a big difference between being abused in a *relationship* and having a few fuck-ups in bed. You can have a relationship without sex. Easily. If you are being controlled or abused in a *relationship*, it is difficult to work around. If the problem is disrespect in bed, you can choose not go to bed until you feel you have resolved the problem.

 

[Gil_T2]

That was the whole point of what I was saying earlier. It is a direct consequence of the abuse he suffered. He did not purposely go against what I was saying, he just did not interpret things correctly.

Now, in one incident, he did knowingly ignore my saying the safe word. He acknowledged that what he did was wrong. However, it was also a fullfillment of a sexual fantasy of his. Something done once never to be done again. Most of the time I understand. Sometimes I feel angry about it. The fantasy could not have come true any other way. It had to be real, not enacted or roleplayed.

Anything that happened occured in bed when we were already involved in sexual activity. What you don't seem to understand is that our relationship is not limited to the bedroom. Primarily, we are people, very good friends, and very intimate emotionally. There is a big difference between being abused in a *relationship* and having a few fuck-ups in bed. You can have a relationship without sex. Easily. If you are being controlled or abused in a *relationship*, it is difficult to work around. If the problem is disrespect in bed, you can choose not go to bed until you feel you have resolved the problem.

Filling his sexual fantasy can & must be within YOUR limits & remembering your original post about him ignoring your SAFE word there could easily have been done without what he did & would have not been the problem it was for you as regardless of his past YOU must be the one who he RESPECTS & HONOURS.