How do you help someone get over being abused

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I have to say this thread is absolutely amazing. The support that comes from just asking a question. Thank you for starting this thread.
I have been sexually abused both as a child and as an adult. Before I was married I was living with a man who abused me emotionally and then eventually sexually. When I was finally getting out I was very afraid that he was going to start hitting on me too. I lived in fear of him for a very long time and I have to say that I don't know how my husband was able to deal with the emotional mess I was. I do know that he was very patient and understanding. He let me find myself and helped me to understand that not all men were complete jerks.
Thank you to all the men out there that take the time to actually care and show love.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
I do tend to stress more than most with my poor health & because of seeing so many who have had ops & recieved STAF infections which further complicate things, every op has it's risks & I guess I just hate hospitals.I also stress becuse this is not how I wanted my life to be with BANDIT who has had more than her fair share to deal with.

How alike we are Gil. I stress out quietly within myself about my health and having to find I have other issues which I had a bad reaction to one of the meds. Now I have to change my diet and try to do more things. How the heck am I suppose to move about and exercise when I can barely stand, walk, sit or do anything without painful consequences? I swear sometimes the people in the medical field need to get their heads out of their butts and look at the overall picture of the patient!

Yes I know how you must feel wishing life with BANDIT was better and less stress on her as well as you. I have often told my IsleMaster that he got ripped off with me. In the beginning I was a bundle of energy, although emotionally I was a wreck, but in the past 3 years he has had to deal with my health problems and see me suffer which tears him apart and makees him angry because the docs don't get their act together and "fix me" as he says. Luckily he is loving and caring and accepts me for who I am and not what I was and "will not trade me in for anyone else".

You and I are truly blessed to have someone in our lives who loves us unconditionally. Maybe that's why I try my best to do whatever I can to make my SO happy in anyway I can.

This is a test of one's love I suppose and we all pass with flying colors despite our desires for things to be less stressful and for things to be better healthwise. I have a few things I have to seriously think about after surgery but with my dear SO I know I won't be alone and will have the support and encouragement to take one step at a time.

Take care Gil and give BANDIT a big hug from me and ask her to give one to you from me, please.

 

[Gil_T2]

I have to say this thread is absolutely amazing. The support that comes from just asking a question. Thank you for starting this thread.
I have been sexually abused both as a child and as an adult. Before I was married I was living with a man who abused me emotionally and then eventually sexually. When I was finally getting out I was very afraid that he was going to start hitting on me too. I lived in fear of him for a very long time and I have to say that I don't know how my husband was able to deal with the emotional mess I was. I do know that he was very patient and understanding. He let me find myself and helped me to understand that not all men were complete jerks.
Thank you to all the men out there that take the time to actually care and show love.

Yes finding the right person at any time is so difficult but after a person gets abused the demons remain & make finding that special person so hard but as I've found it does happen as it has for me, alas it was more than 10 years of letting possible partners slip away that I accepted BANDIT into my life

 

[Gil_T2]

How alike we are Gil. I stress out quietly within myself about my health and having to find I have other issues which I had a bad reaction to one of the meds. Now I have to change my diet and try to do more things. How the heck am I suppose to move about and exercise when I can barely stand, walk, sit or do anything without painful consequences? I swear sometimes the people in the medical field need to get their heads out of their butts and look at the overall picture of the patient!

Yes I know how you must feel wishing life with BANDIT was better and less stress on her as well as you. I have often told my IsleMaster that he got ripped off with me. In the beginning I was a bundle of energy, although emotionally I was a wreck, but in the past 3 years he has had to deal with my health problems and see me suffer which tears him apart and makees him angry because the docs don't get their act together and "fix me" as he says. Luckily he is loving and caring and accepts me for who I am and not what I was and "will not trade me in for anyone else".

You and I are truly blessed to have someone in our lives who loves us unconditionally. Maybe that's why I try my best to do whatever I can to make my SO happy in anyway I can.

This is a test of one's love I suppose and we all pass with flying colors despite our desires for things to be less stressful and for things to be better healthwise. I have a few things I have to seriously think about after surgery but with my dear SO I know I won't be alone and will have the support and encouragement to take one step at a time.

Take care Gil and give BANDIT a big hug from me and ask her to give one to you from me, please.

BANDIT had a giggle at the bit about IsleMaster getting ripped off as these were my words to her, as for the problems with meds, I know that all to well also as I attended the pain clinic in an attempt to get past the pain or to cope with it but in the end it was just learn to put up with it as the pain killers that used to ease the pain (take the edge off) started affecting my stomach so much I had to stop taking anything except while in hospital because they gave me morphine shots every 4 hours, this being the only times I got any easing of the pain.

I hope IsleMaster will give you a big caring hug from both of us.

 

[BrownEyes26]

I helped a friend

Hey all
Just wanted to let you know that I helped a friend get into counseling. He is divorced, and what he was telling me about his behaviour was raising some red flags with me. He behaved in a lot of the ways that I sometimes do, which is to hurt the people that you love. For those that have been abused or neglected, somtimes the only way to know that someone loves you is if they come back after you have hurt them.

Once I heard his story and revealed a part of my own, he told me that he started to talk to a pastor, and it has been helping him. Just wanted to let you know that this thread has helped me to have the guts to speak up from time to time.

Hope everyone is well....

Take care,
BE26

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: I helped a friend

Hey all
Just wanted to let you know that I helped a friend get into counseling. He is divorced, and what he was telling me about his behaviour was raising some red flags with me. He behaved in a lot of the ways that I sometimes do, which is to hurt the people that you love. For those that have been abused or neglected, somtimes the only way to know that someone loves you is if they come back after you have hurt them.

Once I heard his story and revealed a part of my own, he told me that he started to talk to a pastor, and it has been helping him. Just wanted to let you know that this thread has helped me to have the guts to speak up from time to time.

Hope everyone is well....

Take care,
BE26

Well done BrownEyes!!

Often helping others assists us to recognise our own dself-destructuve behaviours and provides the strength and direction to further grow ourselves.

Don't be a stranger . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: I helped a friend

Hey all
Just wanted to let you know that I helped a friend get into counseling. He is divorced, and what he was telling me about his behaviour was raising some red flags with me. He behaved in a lot of the ways that I sometimes do, which is to hurt the people that you love. For those that have been abused or neglected, somtimes the only way to know that someone loves you is if they come back after you have hurt them.

Once I heard his story and revealed a part of my own, he told me that he started to talk to a pastor, and it has been helping him. Just wanted to let you know that this thread has helped me to have the guts to speak up from time to time.

Hope everyone is well....

Take care,
BE26

Well done BE & I am pleased that we have helped but the bit about hurting those that are close worries me as with feelings ppl get hurt & may not return meaning you loose someone special from your life ( I know I've done it too).It really pleases me to know the thread I started in desperation to help someone has grown to help many & my loverly lady who is with me know was one of the ppl who came here & for any trolls no I had no intention in hitting on her but we did grow with emails,chat & PM's.I just hope all who come here can find the joy in life I have.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: I helped a friend

Well done BrownEyes!!

Often helping others assists us to recognise our own dself-destructuve behaviours and provides the strength and direction to further grow ourselves.

Don't be a stranger . . .

DITTO to DON's post.

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Re: I helped a friend

Well done BE & I am pleased that we have helped but the bit about hurting those that are close worries me as with feelings ppl get hurt & may not return meaning you loose someone special from your life ( I know I've done it too).It really pleases me to know the thread I started in desperation to help someone has grown to help many & my loverly lady who is with me know was one of the ppl who came here & for any trolls no I had no intention in hitting on her but we did grow with emails,chat & PM's.I just hope all who come here can find the joy in life I have.

Sometimes Gil, if something is meant to be then it will happen no matter what. You and Bandit were meant to be. It's that simple.

 

[BrownEyes26]

Thanks for the support guys. Gil, I realize what I do within relationships and am trying to change it. It took me 25 years to develop these behaviours and will take time to change. Hope everybody is doing well.

BE26

 

[kinkybrat]

Wow,


Just posting this question is helping the person/people who have been abused.



I was physically and emotionally abused by an exbf. I knew it was going to happen, I mistakenly thought i could change him. He watched his father abuse his mother and his siblings. He grew up thinking that that was the way men are supposed to treat women. He didn't get abusive with me till we were already 1 yr into being together.


I didn't get out of it till he almost took my life while on vacation in CA. It takes realizing that your *own* life is much more important then the person who's abusing you is.


I am currently married and he does know everything that happened in the past and i've told him several times that i have serious issues with anyone putting their hands in my face or arms around my neck tightly, it doesn't matter if i trust the person with my life....i am still going to have issues with someone doing that to me. It brings everything back, and totally freaks me out....to the point where i have to push the person away quickly or i will go into a panic attack. It doesn't matter how many times hubby tells me "i'm not him" "i would never hit you" ......he does either of those and i can't help(or stand) the reaction it creates from me. Our minds are made to block out traumatic experiences after they happen because if we didn't we would surely hurt ourselves or others.


I have started to question if i was sexually abused as child by a family member and i'm just to scared to even let myself look into it.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I am currently married and he does know everything that happened in the past and i've told him several times that i have serious issues with anyone putting their hands in my face or arms around my neck tightly, it doesn't matter if i trust the person with my life....i am still going to have issues with someone doing that to me. It brings everything back, and totally freaks me out....to the point where i have to push the person away quickly or i will go into a panic attack. It doesn't matter how many times hubby tells me "i'm not him" "i would never hit you" ......he does either of those and i can't help(or stand) the reaction it creates from me. Our minds are made to block out traumatic experiences after they happen because if we didn't we would surely hurt ourselves or others.

I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship right before I met my husband. He knows everything that happend to me and that even though i know that he is not that man there are still times that he touches me a certain way or says something and it puts me right back to that awful time. I think in some ways it is always going to be like that, but in other ways I am so much stronger now.
Good luck to you and your husband.

I have started to question if i was sexually abused as child by a family member and i'm just to scared to even let myself look into it.

I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather. I honestly wish I had the luxury of not remembering that. Sometimes it's just better not knowing.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi Kinky Brat and Belle,

Hmmmm . . . it is a little bit of the case that you can run, but you cannot hide.

Eventually your mind says "Enough!!" and wants to dump the bad memories that it has been carrying about for decades. Frequently that occurs about age 50 when a whole lot of other stuff is being worked through.

Getting in touch with your "Inner Child" is very important to releasing these memories. I have referred frequently in the book by John Bradshaw which I found very helpful.

John Bradshaw, Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child (1990) Bantam Books, NY, pb. ISBN 0-553-35589-6.

Gil started this thread where people can talk about these matters with other Litsters who have had first-hand experience. Post here if you think it will help. There is considerable personal experience and wisdom available here.

But do not make the mistake of thinking that you are the only person in the world who has had this problem. Sadly, it is much more frequent than government statistics would have us believe, and too many children are the innocent victims.

 

[Bandit58]

There will always be those triggers that cause you to "flash" back, I know one of mine is angry raised voices. My ex had a very bad temper. He never hit me or the kids (his abuse was manipulative and emotional) but I have seen him take his bad temper out on animals and it was not a pretty sight.

Another is the smell of beer on someone's breath if they get too close. I was date raped by my husband before we were married. He was drunk at the time. The story is posted much earlier in the thread and I still occasionally have nightmares which involve him. Ah the fact that hindsight is 20/20

Sometimes something as simple as a song will do it. I have had to leave a function once because people started singing a song that brought back things I thought I had forgotten.....and all of this has happened since I have left that relationship and had time to go through and sort out my life. The mind buries things until you are strong enough to cope - or so it happened with me. It all needed to come out sooner or later. Talking to a r/l friend who had been through a similar relationship helped me realise I was not the only one this had happened to. And this thread has been a huge help with being able to come here and post things I still have not told my own parents.

 

[peaceharmony57]

woww...... Thank you Bandit.......... I am there........

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

The smell of beer is a trigger for me, but only when it is really strong. I thank you Don and Bandit for your caring kind words.
I do realize sadly that there are many victims out there and have honestly had to confront my own problems without the ability to hide from them. I think that is one of the reasons I am so much stronger now. For the most part things are much better for me, but there are still the little things. It is nice to know that when those little things surface, there will be somewhere for me to go and talk.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: I helped a friend

Sometimes Gil, if something is meant to be then it will happen no matter what. You and Bandit were meant to be. It's that simple.

Thanks KIKI you are a wonderful lady & hope it finds you too.

 

[Gil_T2]

Wow,


Just posting this question is helping the person/people who have been abused.



I was physically and emotionally abused by an exbf. I knew it was going to happen, I mistakenly thought i could change him. He watched his father abuse his mother and his siblings. He grew up thinking that that was the way men are supposed to treat women. He didn't get abusive with me till we were already 1 yr into being together.


I didn't get out of it till he almost took my life while on vacation in CA. It takes realizing that your *own* life is much more important then the person who's abusing you is.


I am currently married and he does know everything that happened in the past and i've told him several times that i have serious issues with anyone putting their hands in my face or arms around my neck tightly, it doesn't matter if i trust the person with my life....i am still going to have issues with someone doing that to me. It brings everything back, and totally freaks me out....to the point where i have to push the person away quickly or i will go into a panic attack. It doesn't matter how many times hubby tells me "i'm not him" "i would never hit you" ......he does either of those and i can't help(or stand) the reaction it creates from me. Our minds are made to block out traumatic experiences after they happen because if we didn't we would surely hurt ourselves or others.


I have started to question if i was sexually abused as child by a family member and i'm just to scared to even let myself look into it.

All who have been victims of abuse say the same thing about triggers & all I can hope is that time will lessen these events.

DON & BANDIT have covered much in their posts.

 

[Gil_T2]

I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship right before I met my husband. He knows everything that happend to me and that even though i know that he is not that man there are still times that he touches me a certain way or says something and it puts me right back to that awful time. I think in some ways it is always going to be like that, but in other ways I am so much stronger now.
Good luck to you and your husband.




I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather. I honestly wish I had the luxury of not remembering that. Sometimes it's just better not knowing.

BELLE one big thing I've noticed by the abused ppl who have posted here is that they have a strength that shows through.

 

[Gil_T2]

woww...... Thank you Bandit.......... I am there........

Nice to see you drop in PEACEHARMONY.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

KB: How sad but true..."It doesn't matter how many times hubby tells me "i'm not him" "i would never hit you" ......he does either of those and i can't help(or stand) the reaction it creates from me. Our minds are made to block out traumatic experiences after they happen because if we didn't we would surely hurt ourselves or others. "

It has been 5 years since I've divorced and at times there will be little things that makes people, who were abused, react a certain way. It takes time but at least you know what the "triggers" are and perhaps down the road you will truly be able to find a way to stop the reactions.

Whenever I "react" my bf says the same things ("i'm not him" "i would never hit you") and passionately apologizes. In the beginning I would keep to myself and/or distanced myself from him and everyone else by going off into the night driving and finding a place to be alone (which was stupid and unsafe of me to do) until I calmed or felt safe again. He now knows what makes me "react" and doesn't shield me from it...he helps me deal with it and go through it and I've begun to realize it's grown lesser and lesser with time.

This thread and everyone here has helped me in a big way and I hope it will for you too, Everyone here is willing to listen and to offer suggestions without passing judgement (which drew me here from the beginning).

We react to protect ourselves emotionally and physically but if it means hurting ourselves or others then do what I did and find someone you can talk to, perhaps counseling, and/or come here to express yourself.

 

[kinkybrat]

Hi Kinky Brat and Belle,

Hmmmm . . . it is a little bit of the case that you can run, but you cannot hide.

Eventually your mind says "Enough!!" and wants to dump the bad memories that it has been carrying about for decades. Frequently that occurs about age 50 when a whole lot of other stuff is being worked through.

Getting in touch with your "Inner Child" is very important to releasing these memories. I have referred frequently in the book by John Bradshaw which I found very helpful.

John Bradshaw, Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child (1990) Bantam Books, NY, pb. ISBN 0-553-35589-6.

Gil started this thread where people can talk about these matters with other Litsters who have had first-hand experience. Post here if you think it will help. There is considerable personal experience and wisdom available here.

But do not make the mistake of thinking that you are the only person in the world who has had this problem. Sadly, it is much more frequent than government statistics would have us believe, and too many children are the innocent victims.

Thank You Don,

I know a few things (that i've read) from my childhood. I have a learning disablity and had to do evaulations all the time. A few yrs ago i went and took all that paperwork out and read through everything, there were points in some of it that mentioned the people who were evaluating me thought i had been abused by my own father. My HUGE issue with this is that i even went and talked to my mother about it, she thinks nothing happened and went on to admit to me that she had been abused herself by a family member so thats why when we were children she always wanted to know where we were going, who with, how long. I remember NOTHING from before we moved here to MA (i was in the 4th grade).....and sit and wonder why the hell don't i even remember my own childhood? It just all beginning to add up.

When i was going through an extremely hard time (and sometimes still) i've always used sex with people i barely know or who i know will be just awful for me as a way to kill whatever pain i'm feeling at that time. Hurts alot less then suicide.

I will definately get that book, that you for the suggestion.

Oh, i know.....it happens to so many children. In the past month i've heard about it happening to at least 3-4 peoples kids that i know and they were all hurt by close family members.

 

[kinkybrat]

There will always be those triggers that cause you to "flash" back, I know one of mine is angry raised voices. My ex had a very bad temper. He never hit me or the kids (his abuse was manipulative and emotional) but I have seen him take his bad temper out on animals and it was not a pretty sight.

Another is the smell of beer on someone's breath if they get too close. I was date raped by my husband before we were married. He was drunk at the time. The story is posted much earlier in the thread and I still occasionally have nightmares which involve him. Ah the fact that hindsight is 20/20

Sometimes something as simple as a song will do it. I have had to leave a function once because people started singing a song that brought back things I thought I had forgotten.....and all of this has happened since I have left that relationship and had time to go through and sort out my life. The mind buries things until you are strong enough to cope - or so it happened with me. It all needed to come out sooner or later. Talking to a r/l friend who had been through a similar relationship helped me realise I was not the only one this had happened to. And this thread has been a huge help with being able to come here and post things I still have not told my own parents.

Bandit,

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's truelly unnerving figuring out what triggers are. I'm sure i have more that i haven't even discovered yet.

 

[kinkybrat]

All who have been victims of abuse say the same thing about triggers & all I can hope is that time will lessen these events.

DON & BANDIT have covered much in their posts.

Thank You Gil

 

[peaceharmony57]

triggers???

anger... people directly in my face... belittlement... Humilation... embarassment... There are some triggers.................