How do you help someone get over being abused

[kikmosa]

Well, two and a half weeks have gone by and I haven't gone to see him. He's sent several messages for me to come over but I've resisted. I'm still lonely but I know this is the best for me and I sticking to it. Maybe one day I'll meet someone that will be better for me. But before that happens I need to learn to say no. And know that saying it won't get me hurt. Day by day, things are getting better.

Thank you to all of you that have stood by me in this. Without your support I wouldn't be doing this well.

 

[babydoll_73]

Kiki that is great that you are being so strong. I am proud of you.

Update on my brother:


He tried to come over last week but the neighbor called me and told me that he was there so I called the cops and now he is in for violating the restraining order.

 

[Noor]

Kiki- You are doing great. Keep being strong, you are worth so much more than anything he has to offer.


wow babydoll !, your brother does not learn. I am glad you were warned and able to get the police to remove him.

Have the locks been changed? might want to get locks on the windows too, lighted motion detectors, anything to make you safer.

I keep a large flashlight, 5 battery maglite next to my bed as well as a spray bottle of vinegar and water, cell phone and regular non portable phone near me, chimes on my doors and clutter beneath the windows. It has been years since I was stalked but still I do it. I used to have a guinea pig who served as a back up warning system too.

 

[kikmosa]

Kiki that is great that you are being so strong. I am proud of you.

Update on my brother:


He tried to come over last week but the neighbor called me and told me that he was there so I called the cops and now he is in for violating the restraining order.

That's the thing to do BD. Keep reporting him. Maybe enough time in jail will teach him something. And keep a record of everything. Everytime he calls you, what he says (try to record it if you can), everytime he violates the restraining order, all of it.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Well, two and a half weeks have gone by and I haven't gone to see him. He's sent several messages for me to come over but I've resisted. I'm still lonely but I know this is the best for me and I sticking to it. Maybe one day I'll meet someone that will be better for me. But before that happens I need to learn to say no. And know that saying it won't get me hurt. Day by day, things are getting better.

Thank you to all of you that have stood by me in this. Without your support I wouldn't be doing this well.

Hey Kiki . . . you're doin' great!!

Just keep telling yourself that "I deserve THE BEST!! . . . and I won't settle for anything less!!"

The last thing you need is a drop-kick who can't get his act together . . . You are a wonderful person . . . you deserve a wonderful person . . . it will take time for you to unlearn old tricks and learn new things, but that will happen. Hang in there!!

 

[Don K Dyck]

Kiki that is great that you are being so strong. I am proud of you.

Update on my brother:


He tried to come over last week but the neighbor called me and told me that he was there so I called the cops and now he is in for violating the restraining order.

Hi Babydoll . . . great news about your brother!! Keep it up!!

Every time he tries to invade your space, hit him with the law. His past behaviour has adequately demonstrated that he will listen to nothing else. Indeed, he may start to realise that being on the bottom of the kicking heap is somewhat unpleasant . . . not to mention expensive . . . Does your State have the"three strikes" policy for recalcitrant offenders?

Always remember . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL VIOLENCE!! EVER!!

 

[babydoll_73]

Hi Babydoll . . . great news about your brother!! Keep it up!!

Every time he tries to invade your space, hit him with the law. His past behaviour has adequately demonstrated that he will listen to nothing else. Indeed, he may start to realise that being on the bottom of the kicking heap is somewhat unpleasant . . . not to mention expensive . . . Does your State have the"three strikes" policy for recalcitrant offenders?

Always remember . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL VIOLENCE!! EVER!!

There is no three strikes law here that I am aware of. But everytime he violates the restraining order will kick him in the ass when we go to court. He will end up serving more time in a prison instead of a few nights in a local jail cell. Then he will be on probation and if he fucks up on that he will end up back in jail.

 

[Blackbich]

Well, two and a half weeks have gone by and I haven't gone to see him. He's sent several messages for me to come over but I've resisted. I'm still lonely but I know this is the best for me and I sticking to it. Maybe one day I'll meet someone that will be better for me. But before that happens I need to learn to say no. And know that saying it won't get me hurt. Day by day, things are getting better.

Thank you to all of you that have stood by me in this. Without your support I wouldn't be doing this well.

{{{kiki}}}

You are doing GREAT, lady! There will soon be a day when you will be able to say, "dickhead who??"

Kiki that is great that you are being so strong. I am proud of you.

Update on my brother:


He tried to come over last week but the neighbor called me and told me that he was there so I called the cops and now he is in for violating the restraining order.

That is GREAT news, babydoll, not just that the butthead is learning there will be consequences for his actions but also that you have wonderfully observant neighbors who are willing to get involved!!

 

[kikmosa]

bump

 

[Gil_T2]

B

U

M

P

 

[Don K Dyck]

B

U

M

P

'Bout bloody time . . . Hi Gil . . . your many fans over on the 40s thread are a little anxious about your health and whereabouts . . . welcome back, I hope things are going OK . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks Don & yes my health has been the cause of me being missing.

I will go let the 40+ thread know now.

 

[BrownEyes26]

*waves* Hi everyone, hope you are all well

 

[kikmosa]

Bump

 

[Gil_T2]

Bump

Hi KIKI I was wondering how the results were at the doctor's...
PLEASE email me to let me know as I am worried.



Oh and a bump too

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi KIKI I was wondering how the results were at the doctor's...
PLEASE email me to let me know as I am worried.



Oh and a bump too

G'day Gil . . . good to see you're back on Lit . . . hope things are progressing satisfactorily . . .

 

[Ginger_grl]

Hello

I haven't posted here before. I was wandering about the threads and this one caught my eye.

I just wanted to offer support or guidance for anyone here that might need it. I am a qualified counsellor in the UK and specialised with survivors of abuse. Both of childhood sexual abuse and partner abuse.

I was a survivor myself, however healed many years ago.

Can I just offer some words for now for anyone that might find them useful.

Healing is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, reliving some of the agonies you experienced, again in therapy can feel like you are suffering yet again at the hands of your abusers. Use the support of people you trust and believe that the faint light at the end of the tunnel you catch a glimpse of every now and then is real and growing.

It may sound patronising to say the worst is behind you because as you may well know, the healing is even harder. All you can do is believe without a shadow of a doubt that you are a gift to the world and by overcoming the trauma's you experienced you are offering freedom to someone else who may still be suffering.

One day you WILL be able to look back without feeling pain. One day you WILL feel that you are who you want to be and not a victim any more.

My love and blessings to anyone who was brave enough to share their pain on this thread.

 

[PerceivedAsReal]

This looks like a place where I can tell my story.

But it will have to wait, because I have to go to work.

I'll say this, though: my story is proof that all the love and kindness and support in the world cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped...

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Hello

I haven't posted here before. I was wandering about the threads and this one caught my eye.

I just wanted to offer support or guidance for anyone here that might need it. I am a qualified counsellor in the UK and specialised with survivors of abuse. Both of childhood sexual abuse and partner abuse.

I was a survivor myself, however healed many years ago.

Can I just offer some words for now for anyone that might find them useful.

Healing is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, reliving some of the agonies you experienced, again in therapy can feel like you are suffering yet again at the hands of your abusers. Use the support of people you trust and believe that the faint light at the end of the tunnel you catch a glimpse of every now and then is real and growing.

It may sound patronising to say the worst is behind you because as you may well know, the healing is even harder. All you can do is believe without a shadow of a doubt that you are a gift to the world and by overcoming the trauma's you experienced you are offering freedom to someone else who may still be suffering.

One day you WILL be able to look back without feeling pain. One day you WILL feel that you are who you want to be and not a victim any more.

My love and blessings to anyone who was brave enough to share their pain on this thread.

Thankyou for your words & offer to help here I'm sure you will be a valued thread member & please drop by often.

 

[Gil_T2]

This looks like a place where I can tell my story.

But it will have to wait, because I have to go to work.

I'll say this, though: my story is proof that all the love and kindness and support in the world cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped...

You as is anyone are welcome here & be assured that we do care for all who come here.

Your bit about kindness & support is noted too as the abusers often can't see their wrong doing no matter how clear it is to the outsiders.

 

[Bandit58]

I've tended to avoid my ex in the last few months unless it's been absolutely necessary to talk to him, but I can see I'm going to have to say something even though my stomach ties itself in knots at the thought.

I was talking to my daughter on the phone tonight (she lives with him but he wasn't home at the time). He has applied to the tax department to get me to pay child support, which I am quite prepared to pay, but it is assessed on my taxable income which isn't a lot and works out to about $45 a month. From what I can gather he feels this isn't enough, even though they live on a farm and gets free meat, milk, eggs etc. He's been like a bear with a sore head much of the time which as you can imagine isn't a whole lot of fun for her who has to listen to his bitching and moaning. She's 15 years old, she shouldn't have to put up with that sort of crap. I'm worried that he's putting the same kind of emotional abuse on her that he did me.......he'll end up driving her away in the end, our son is 20 and he hates coming back home for longer than a few days because the atmosphere there isn't great.

My ex is stubborn and like a little boy who hasn't grown up, it's been over a year since the split and he's worse than ever. I really don't want to talk to him but I feel I have to, for our daughter's sake. He still can make me feel like crap, but I'm more afraid he'll take his bad mood out on her again......

God all those bad feelings are coming back at me again, does it ever get any easier......

 

[Blackbich]

I've tended to avoid my ex in the last few months unless it's been absolutely necessary to talk to him, but I can see I'm going to have to say something even though my stomach ties itself in knots at the thought.

I was talking to my daughter on the phone tonight (she lives with him but he wasn't home at the time). He has applied to the tax department to get me to pay child support, which I am quite prepared to pay, but it is assessed on my taxable income which isn't a lot and works out to about $45 a month. From what I can gather he feels this isn't enough, even though they live on a farm and gets free meat, milk, eggs etc. He's been like a bear with a sore head much of the time which as you can imagine isn't a whole lot of fun for her who has to listen to his bitching and moaning. She's 15 years old, she shouldn't have to put up with that sort of crap. I'm worried that he's putting the same kind of emotional abuse on her that he did me.......he'll end up driving her away in the end, our son is 20 and he hates coming back home for longer than a few days because the atmosphere there isn't great.

My ex is stubborn and like a little boy who hasn't grown up, it's been over a year since the split and he's worse than ever. I really don't want to talk to him but I feel I have to, for our daughter's sake. He still can make me feel like crap, but I'm more afraid he'll take his bad mood out on her again......

God all those bad feelings are coming back at me again, does it ever get any easier......

shaking head at the ignorance of assholes

Yes, my dear...it doesn't seem like it now but it will and does get better. Your ex is an ass who is trying to make you hurt every way possible; you are no longer under his thumb so he's going to start making life miserable for your daughter. He probably doesn't care but he will make an environment so horrible for her that she will leave and never come back...he will have no one to blame but himself but it sounds like he's not going to change. If child support is so damn important to him, he will take when he gets...enough said. I wish there was somewhere else for your daughter to go but, if she's anything like her mom, she will come through this one hell of a woman too!!

Perceived,
We are all interested in hearing what you have to say; you and Ginger_grl both are welcome anytime!!!

Babydoll....Oh, Babydoll...what beez going on with you and your brother, dearie???

waving
Hope everyone else is doing well!!

 

[PerceivedAsReal]

A trifle bugged.

I do want to say what I have to say, but every attempt to express it goes astray.

I have not myself been physically abused, but I just reached the end of a relationship--a cockeyed friendship, really--with a woman who was a product of severe abuse, both emotional and physical, when she was a child.

In my own case, the issue was the lack of perceived support from my parents, who--in my eyes--seemed to be all about money and very little about love. Naturally, I react to that a bit and consider money to be a whole lot less important (which is part of why I never seem to have any ).

The woman I lived with is in her 30s, but has behaved as long as I have known her, as though she were anywhere from 6 to 16, like there was this time period in which she was emotionally locked and which she had to keep repeating the patterns of.

I did what I could--for 2.5 years she lived with me and I was supportive every way I know how to be supportive. In return, she pushed me as far away as she could with one hand while still requiring my emotional and financial support.

It turned into a huge mess because she didn't trust that I didn't expect anything in return for the effort I made, and I really didn't beyond, perhaps, a little respect for me for having done it.

But I didn't get that. I got to be the bad guy, and I finally put my finger on why: if I was the bad guy, she could justify anything--absolutely anything--she did to me, and the way she treated me, which amounted to emotional neglect at best and abuse at worst...

More later, as it develops...I want to talk about this, but I don't want to target her as being at fault for a situation I invited for myself and in which I did everything I could do to reach her, including overextending myself in many ways.

A lot of people have told me that it was a codependent relationship, and I don't buy that, because even though she's gone now--about 2 weeks--and I do miss her terribly, it hasn't stopped me from functioning: I get up in the morning, go to work, do my work, and clean the house...just a bit slower than usual. That seems to be the only impact. No part of my mind is saying "come back, I need you," and I honestly believe that I would not allow things to be the same if she did call and wanted to come back (which she won't).

In the 2.5 years that we lived together, I talked to many, many people about the situation, so, truly, I've heard all the angles. That's not to say I won't entertain them again if people want to discuss my story from the same angles, but please understand if I'm a bit short or curt in my dismissals: none of it will be new to me, I promise. And if it is, I'll let you know, and probably do cartwheels because it will give me a new angle to explore the situation from.

 

[BrownEyes26]

Hi Preceived

From what I know from colleagues and some courses, (please feel free to correct me anybody), persons who were abused or neglected as children do not continue ego development after the age of the start of the abuse. So your friend had actually stopped development somewhere between the ages of 2.5-16 years. Also, trauma can cause regression.

Pearlman, Laurie Anne and Saakvitne, Karen (1995) write in Trauma and the Therapist: "Understanding the developmental level of the child at the time of the traumatic event is crucial to understanding and developing effective interventions for the later manifestations of trauma" (p. 362).

The reenactment is also common in persons who have undergone trauma. Pearlman and Saakvitne state: "As clients struggle to communicate and to master their earlier experiences, they will engage us as victim, perpatrator, and bystander in a variety of painful and sometimes traumatic reenactments" (p. 385).

I am sure that you have heard this before, but it sounds like she needs some therapy . There are a lot of good feminist therapists out there, and a lot of books that you can read.
BE26.

 

[PerceivedAsReal]

I am sure that you have heard this before, but it sounds like she needs some therapy .

I absolutely agree, and so does she, but she puts strict limits on what she believes a relationship with a therapist should be and--for my money--those limits work against the process of therapy.

Specifically, she says she would want her therapist to be someone that she knew nothing about outside of the therapist's office. She wanted to be able to discuss things with him/her without thinking of him/her as a person with a life outside the room. If she ever finds a therapist like that, I believe she's doomed to years of therapy with no progress.

I subscribe to the M. Scott Peck "spiritual therapy" approach that he introduces and espouses in The Road Less Traveled. Just as we can easily be our own worst enemies, he suggests that we are also our own best therapists by dint of the fact that no one can fix us but us. As she was unwilling (and couldn't afford) to see a therapist, I did my best to simply be there and be supportive and encourage and love her as a friend.

Being human, well, I made mistakes. The most important thing to do was to recognize the mistakes as mistakes, take responsibility for them, and do my best to correct them. In the first year we lived together, I did 4 things that I considered reprehensible, but I apologized for all of them, explained the thinking that went into making the mistakes (when there was any) and promised to do my best not to make the same mistakes again.

Ultimately, though, it wasn't enough. She essentially cast me as a father figure, ascribing all the bad traits her father had to me, even though I didn't actually exhibit any of them short of raising my voice a bit when I got angry (and while she gave me plenty of reasons to get angry, I managed to strictly limit those incidences of loud expression to perhaps 5 events in more than 2 years).

I suppose to tackle it properly, I really need to tell the story, and tell it from the beginning. I think I've laid enough groundwork in a couple of posts to get started...just let me let it simmer a bit more and I'll share from the beginning. If all goes well, it will be, at the very least, a cathartic experience.