How do you help someone get over being abused

[kikmosa]

Hidden Emotions

Don't show, don't say
Don't let them know
Keep it light and happy
Don't let the pain show

They watch for signs
That I'm losing control
So they can take over
And own my soul

I can't let them know
How much pain I'm in
For that is when
The torture begins

They try to beat down
My walls every day
I can't let them in
Wish they'd go away

Just one glimpse of
The way I really feel
They'd lock me away
They'd say to heal

But my freedom is mine
And that's how it will stay
So I hide my emotions
Til at last they go away

 

[BrownEyes26]

BLACKBITCH & BROWN EYES thanks for your thoughts & for stepping up to help you both make this thread easier to run with well thought out comments.



THANKYOU BOTH very much.

You're welcome Gil. I am very busy with work and would like to be able to read everyone's posts. Take care all.

 

[Bandit58]

Hidden Emotions

Don't show, don't say
Don't let them know
Keep it light and happy
Don't let the pain show

They watch for signs
That I'm losing control
So they can take over
And own my soul

I can't let them know
How much pain I'm in
For that is when
The torture begins

They try to beat down
My walls every day
I can't let them in
Wish they'd go away

Just one glimpse of
The way I really feel
They'd lock me away
They'd say to heal

But my freedom is mine
And that's how it will stay
So I hide my emotions
Til at last they go away

I've shared some things both on this board and in r/l with a couple of wonderful ladies and also two lovers. The times my ex made me feel so bad about myself I thought I had no alternative but to stay with him.....how he made me think there was something wrong with me because I didn't enjoy sex (it turns out that it was sex with HIM I hated, there's definitely nothing wrong with the way I respond to the other people I share my body with).

Certain things will bring back the bad memories......last weekend for example a group of us were at the club having a few drinks and some of them started singing. It was ok for a while, until one of the guys started singing a certain song......which I just cannot listen to because it brings back some fairly unpleasant memories. I just felt my skin crawl......I had to leave. Just little things will trigger it off, like a TV programme one night not long after I left made old memories of being date raped come back to me. I still remember the horrible feelings of shame, even though it was close to 25 years ago that it happened. I had never dealt with it properly, and he never mentioned it, ever (he was so drunk he probably doesn't even remember, or if he does he thinks I consented because I was in the bed "waiting" for him to get back from the bar 3 hours later ) I am ok most of the time, but now and then it will "flash" into my mind (not sure why). I tell myself that all this is behind me now and I am making a new and better life for myself, but still it comes back at me.......I suppose I lived with it all for so many years I can't expect it to go away overnight.

It helps that I have supportive female friends to talk to, and a couple of very open minded lovers have helped me so much in my healing and enabled me to find pleasure in my body and in the giving of pleasure to them. My lifeis better, I'm free now and no longer walking on eggshells, afraid and alone. I've come to terms with my sexuality, and have had the chance to experience making love with a woman and will do so again in a few weeks. I guess I am lucky, I know what I need now and I'll not settle for anything less ever again........

 

[Gil_T2]

I've shared some things both on this board and in r/l with a couple of wonderful ladies and also two lovers. The times my ex made me feel so bad about myself I thought I had no alternative but to stay with him.....how he made me think there was something wrong with me because I didn't enjoy sex (it turns out that it was sex with HIM I hated, there's definitely nothing wrong with the way I respond to the other people I share my body with).

Certain things will bring back the bad memories......last weekend for example a group of us were at the club having a few drinks and some of them started singing. It was ok for a while, until one of the guys started singing a certain song......which I just cannot listen to because it brings back some fairly unpleasant memories. I just felt my skin crawl......I had to leave. Just little things will trigger it off, like a TV programme one night not long after I left made old memories of being date raped come back to me. I still remember the horrible feelings of shame, even though it was close to 25 years ago that it happened. I had never dealt with it properly, and he never mentioned it, ever (he was so drunk he probably doesn't even remember, or if he does he thinks I consented because I was in the bed "waiting" for him to get back from the bar 3 hours later ) I am ok most of the time, but now and then it will "flash" into my mind (not sure why). I tell myself that all this is behind me now and I am making a new and better life for myself, but still it comes back at me.......I suppose I lived with it all for so many years I can't expect it to go away overnight.

It helps that I have supportive female friends to talk to, and a couple of very open minded lovers have helped me so much in my healing and enabled me to find pleasure in my body and in the giving of pleasure to them. My lifeis better, I'm free now and no longer walking on eggshells, afraid and alone. I've come to terms with my sexuality, and have had the chance to experience making love with a woman and will do so again in a few weeks. I guess I am lucky, I know what I need now and I'll not settle for anything less ever again........

Dear BANDIT....I don't think these things ever go away but you need to see it for what it was & know you were taken advatage of & it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT IT HAPPENED flashes will be sparked from time to time but your strength will grow to help rid them quicker & quicker as time goes on, dealing with it will get easier in time.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hidden Emotions

Don't show, don't say
Don't let them know
Keep it light and happy
Don't let the pain show

They watch for signs
That I'm losing control
So they can take over
And own my soul

I can't let them know
How much pain I'm in
For that is when
The torture begins

They try to beat down
My walls every day
I can't let them in
Wish they'd go away

Just one glimpse of
The way I really feel
They'd lock me away
They'd say to heal

But my freedom is mine
And that's how it will stay
So I hide my emotions
Til at last they go away

DRAK SOUL & location...the VOID do concern me my dear friend and that poem is also a worry as you say your keeping your emotions hidden, PLEASE talk them out so that they are known so they can be beaten back to a place where they are in the void & not you.

You are very special to me & I'm sure others who have taken the time to get to know you as a wonderful lady.

 

[Bandit58]

Dear BANDIT....I don't think these things ever go away but you need to see it for what it was & know you were taken advatage of & it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT IT HAPPENED flashes will be sparked from time to time but your strength will grow to help rid them quicker & quicker as time goes on, dealing with it will get easier in time.

((((((((GIL))))))))
Thank you my friend The events of the last week may have had something to do with the morbid thoughts which were plaguing me when I wrote that post. I am okay most of the time.......I'm missing a certain special someone too, next Tuesday is the anniversary of our first time together and we seem to be no closer to realising our dreams. It could be a very long time to wait still....... Sometimes (like today) I wonder if it will ever really happen.......

I know what happened wasn't my fault....I was a very naive 18 years old at the time and I didn't know how to handle it so I chose to try to forget and tell myself he didn't mean it......and I'm probably still making excuses for him here but he didn't and still doesn't know how to love. In all the years I knew his family not once did I see his parents hug each other. I'm only hoping that our own children don't carry that on, because I didn't hug their father either I hug them though......every time I see them I hold them and tell them I love them no matter what.......

((((((((KIKI)))))))) Thank you for posting the poem, it strikes a chord for me. I hid things for years.......but now I've let people into my life, good people who care.......

 

[Gil_T2]

((((((((GIL))))))))
Thank you my friend The events of the last week may have had something to do with the morbid thoughts which were plaguing me when I wrote that post. I am okay most of the time.......I'm missing a certain special someone too, next Tuesday is the anniversary of our first time together and we seem to be no closer to realising our dreams. It could be a very long time to wait still....... Sometimes (like today) I wonder if it will ever really happen.......

I know what happened wasn't my fault....I was a very naive 18 years old at the time and I didn't know how to handle it so I chose to try to forget and tell myself he didn't mean it......and I'm probably still making excuses for him here but he didn't and still doesn't know how to love. In all the years I knew his family not once did I see his parents hug each other. I'm only hoping that our own children don't carry that on, because I didn't hug their father either I hug them though......every time I see them I hold them and tell them I love them no matter what.......

((((((((KIKI)))))))) Thank you for posting the poem, it strikes a chord for me. I hid things for years.......but now I've let people into my life, good people who care.......

Interesting comment on his parents not showing their emaotions by just having a hug as my sister & I were discussing that very thing when she was in AUSSIE (she lives in CANADA) last year, My mum & dad hever ever cuddled each other or us EVER yet while I was over there in 95 my sister,nephew & neices hugged often & also included me, My own daughter & I often hugged, It was just normal for us but the generation of my parents must have been different or we had made a decision to be more open on our feeling without remembering making it.

I for one love getting hugs from friends & lovers. I have given my mum lots of hugs yet dad always pulls back from me,my sister.

 

[kikmosa]

DRAK SOUL & location...the VOID do concern me my dear friend and that poem is also a worry as you say your keeping your emotions hidden, PLEASE talk them out so that they are known so they can be beaten back to a place where they are in the void & not you.

You are very special to me & I'm sure others who have taken the time to get to know you as a wonderful lady.

Dearest Gil,

Please don't worry. The poem was written awhile back. I just felt that it would helo someone and so I posted it. As for the Void, I 'm in the middle of making some decisions and until things are settled I'm not in one place or the other, if that makes sense to you. And yes my soul is dark but no longer black. Day by day it gets better. Yes there are setbacks but I'm not giving up the fight. And I have your light shining in my life to help. I have faith that I will survive now. Even with all the problems in my life. Please, take care. My prayers are with all here.

Kiki

 

[Gil_T2]

Dearest Gil,

Please don't worry. The poem was written awhile back. I just felt that it would helo someone and so I posted it. As for the Void, I 'm in the middle of making some decisions and until things are settled I'm not in one place or the other, if that makes sense to you. And yes my soul is dark but no longer black. Day by day it gets better. Yes there are setbacks but I'm not giving up the fight. And I have your light shining in my life to help. I have faith that I will survive now. Even with all the problems in my life. Please, take care. My prayers are with all here.

Kiki

I guess I just worry because I know a lot of what you are facing these days & because I do care & worry. I also do not understand
why so many nice people have so much crap happen to them which isn't right that they have to keep facing one hassle after another & most not their fault.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

I was married for a long time to someone who didn't appreciate me, who never told me he loved me or found me attractive, who, if I attempted to say no to sex, would get angry and sulk for days and make me feel so guilty that I would give in for the sake of peace.

I know how you feel having to had experience 17 years of hell where I was treated the same. Like you I vowed not to get into a relationship but I had found someone (or raher he found me) and we've been together for 4 years now. Although my current relationship is not completely what I want it to be and have been contemplating on moving on I have learned to really think things out, weigh the good and the bad. He knows, I hope, what I have been thinking and we discussed things. He's not abusive, in fact the total opposite. Having the fear of losing what I have and getting into another relationship (all because I want more) which may turn out to be a repeat or similar to the 17 years of hell I went through made me decide to stay.
Not everyone can have everyting right?

It takes time to heal but the bad memories do return now and again. You need to talk to someone about your past and how it affects you in your life. Luckily I have someone who listens and also isn't afraid to tell me when my judgement and thinking (about ending life) isn't worth it or acutally allowed since this person is a part of my life.

E-mail me if you want to share, talk and I'll be there for you. I know what you're going through because I still have times when I want the pain to stop. Life is to be lived...live it to its fullest! Be strong and time will heal the pain and happiness will prevail.
Don't keep things bottled up, let it go!

Aloha from Hawaii!

 

[Gil_T2]

I know how you feel having to had experience 17 years of hell where I was treated the same. Like you I vowed not to get into a relationship but I had found someone (or raher he found me) and we've been together for 4 years now. Although my current relationship is not completely what I want it to be and have been contemplating on moving on I have learned to really think things out, weigh the good and the bad. He knows, I hope, what I have been thinking and we discussed things. He's not abusive, in fact the total opposite. Having the fear of losing what I have and getting into another relationship (all because I want more) which may turn out to be a repeat or similar to the 17 years of hell I went through made me decide to stay.
Not everyone can have everyting right?

It takes time to heal but the bad memories do return now and again. You need to talk to someone about your past and how it affects you in your life. Luckily I have someone who listens and also isn't afraid to tell me when my judgement and thinking (about ending life) isn't worth it or acutally allowed since this person is a part of my life.

E-mail me if you want to share, talk and I'll be there for you. I know what you're going through because I still have times when I want the pain to stop. Life is to be lived...live it to its fullest! Be strong and time will heal the pain and happiness will prevail.
Don't keep things bottled up, let it go!

Aloha from Hawaii!

It's nice to have you join our thread even though the subject isn't really one that I prefer we needed but all here have shown great courage. A relationship that is not giving you what you want may not be abusive but isn't what you should get stuck in as it will ad to your confusion about your self worth which in almost evey abused person is hard to re establish (everyone of you has worth). The large range of abuse that people have posted here does vary but all are designed to destroy their victim as a form of control which is the most unhealthy part of it all.

Saying all this I have made the decision not to even try to find
"LOVE" again but that is more for my poor health issues & not because I would not want it even though I have only been able to use the "L" word once since the end of my abusive relationship.
Fear of history repeating it's self was the main reason but I do regret my feeling because I did hurt a lady I did care about but the fears prevented me for letting her get to close to my heart, luckily we remain good friends & I have been able to explain my reasons for ending our relationship. TALKING things through with people you care about & explaining your feeling is the thing you must push through as it will make things easier....maybe not with the relationship now but the future will hold better hope.

 

[Bandit58]

Speaking of confusion.....the self esteem is taking a bit of a battering again since I found out my lover is not being honest with me. I know I did nothing wrong, in fact I probably loved him too much and he couldn't cope with it truth be known......we have yet to talk about things but he better have a good explanation We were in this same place just over 2 months ago and I thought we were back on track but it appears I have been misled. I am hurt but not as badly as I was before, I'm pissed off more than anything that he doesn't have the guts to face me and tell me the truth. I am going to phone him anyway, his other lady friend is probably just as pissed off with him as I am because he has lied to her too.....

 

[Noor]

Bandit-
I have been there, am a bit there now, deception sucks and is so confusing when you don't understand why.
Honesty and trust are the foundations of any relationship. Guys who don't realize that are fools.
Sounds like your guy was being gutless. It is best to be mad, as it was nothing you did. Being angry is a good reaction. Don't let him damage your self esteem. I don't believe you can ever love someone too much and there is nothing wrong in loving.

 

[Gil_T2]

Speaking of confusion.....the self esteem is taking a bit of a battering again since I found out my lover is not being honest with me. I know I did nothing wrong, in fact I probably loved him too much and he couldn't cope with it truth be known......we have yet to talk about things but he better have a good explanation We were in this same place just over 2 months ago and I thought we were back on track but it appears I have been misled. I am hurt but not as badly as I was before, I'm pissed off more than anything that he doesn't have the guts to face me and tell me the truth. I am going to phone him anyway, his other lady friend is probably just as pissed off with him as I am because he has lied to her too.....

Unfortunately there are to many people in this world who only think of them selves and do not consider the people they hurt with their "playing" the game. abuse of feelings have little or no consideration to them at all as long as they get their jollies which is so sad as there are those who only want the SEX with no hassles out there so using others feelings isn't needed as you have been, he has only used you as a fuck to put it bluntly & hasn't cared about your feelings at all which saddens me seeing as he knew what you have come through & he was the first person you trusted since your abusive relationship which is the saddest pat of it all.
on the up side you do now know you are a desirable lady regardless of his heartless us of you so please acceept it as alearning tool and move on with your life to growing on with knowing it was them being assholes & that you are a good person.

 

[Bandit58]

Well.....it appears I was misled......we talked on the phone this morning and he said he was sorry if he made it appear that we had a future together, he never meant to do that. I know that he has lots of issues to sort out and it could take years, but I keep remembering how we felt about each other and I didn't want to let it go so easily.

What hurt the most was he was telling her that he loved her, when he used to tell me that all the time. That he spent time with her because she's right in the same town, that he used to spend online with me. Now I sound like a jealous bitch I know......it didn't matter that he was having sex with her, because he said he loved me. I trusted him with my love and my heart, the first person I ever did that with, and it wasn't enough for him to overcome his problems. I've moved on so much from the scared insecure woman I used to be, and it's because of him and the way I felt about him, still do if the truth be known.

I will cope with this and go out and find someone who is free to love me back the way I deserve. I swore I wasn't going to let anyone treat me like crap ever again, and I won't. I'll let him go now, for good this time. I hope he can be happy one day, but it won't be with me......

 

[Gil_T2]

Well.....it appears I was misled......we talked on the phone this morning and he said he was sorry if he made it appear that we had a future together, he never meant to do that. I know that he has lots of issues to sort out and it could take years, but I keep remembering how we felt about each other and I didn't want to let it go so easily.

What hurt the most was he was telling her that he loved her, when he used to tell me that all the time. That he spent time with her because she's right in the same town, that he used to spend online with me. Now I sound like a jealous bitch I know......it didn't matter that he was having sex with her, because he said he loved me. I trusted him with my love and my heart, the first person I ever did that with, and it wasn't enough for him to overcome his problems. I've moved on so much from the scared insecure woman I used to be, and it's because of him and the way I felt about him, still do if the truth be known.

I will cope with this and go out and find someone who is free to love me back the way I deserve. I swore I wasn't going to let anyone treat me like crap ever again, and I won't. I'll let him go now, for good this time. I hope he can be happy one day, but it won't be with me......

REGARDLESS of his words he lied & used you even though he knew what you had been through, people like this do not deserve forgiveness.

Am I being to hard on him ? I don't think I am as you gave him your trust which he abused. People who lie I can NOT tolerate as I said before there are plenty of people who just want sex without complications out there if they are not to lazy to go look for them.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just giving the thread a little bump on.

 

[babydoll_73]

Hi all just wanted to stop in and let everyone know what is going on. I got my cast off the other day and went and took a shower as soon as I got home. It was great. Had to sit on the bench thingy but it was still great. Have been going to therapy and swimming my ass off. Can't wait to get on the plane to Hawaii and leave the bullshit behind.

Hope everyone is doing good.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi all just wanted to stop in and let everyone know what is going on. I got my cast off the other day and went and took a shower as soon as I got home. It was great. Had to sit on the bench thingy but it was still great. Have been going to therapy and swimming my ass off. Can't wait to get on the plane to Hawaii and leave the bullshit behind.

Hope everyone is doing good.

Hi babydoll glad you're feeling better Think of me when you're in Hawaii, *envious*
It's midnight saturday night here and it's very frosty and I can't sleep.......had a visit from my lovely best girlfriend and it helped a lot just to have coffee and talk, she's been a rock for me many times over the past couple of years since I've known her. We've both been in abusive relationships, the difference is she had the courage to get out of hers long before I got out of mine. She's a wonderful lady and I love her to death.......pity she's straight though

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi all just wanted to stop in and let everyone know what is going on. I got my cast off the other day and went and took a shower as soon as I got home. It was great. Had to sit on the bench thingy but it was still great. Have been going to therapy and swimming my ass off. Can't wait to get on the plane to Hawaii and leave the bullshit behind.

Hope everyone is doing good.

TAKE US WITH YOU as it's damn cold here & the thought of being on the warm sands there have me wishing I could travel .

I'm sure BANDIT feels the same as in NZ they have had a cold spell too.

Have a wonderful time BABYDOLL

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi babydoll glad you're feeling better Think of me when you're in Hawaii, *envious*
It's midnight saturday night here and it's very frosty and I can't sleep.......had a visit from my lovely best girlfriend and it helped a lot just to have coffee and talk, she's been a rock for me many times over the past couple of years since I've known her. We've both been in abusive relationships, the difference is she had the courage to get out of hers long before I got out of mine. She's a wonderful lady and I love her to death.......pity she's straight though

BANDIT you too have shown your courage here & the way you have grown in self confidence is to be admired greatly.

 

[Bandit58]

BANDIT you too have shown your courage here & the way you have grown in self confidence is to be admired greatly.

Thanks Gil......but I don't feel very confident or brave right now...... I know I have to pick myself up and dust myself off and get on with life and find another future but all I can think of is what I don't have anymore.........I wanna yell and scream and throw stuff......I HURT!!!

I guess that's a healthy reaction......all the times I pushed my feelings down and never showed how much I hurt when I was married, I was on autopilot. When ex lover and I got together, emotions and feelings I'd never felt before came up and overwhelmed me. He made me feel special and loved which I never had before. Now it's over and it's like the rug's been pulled out from under. Everything hurts......I threw a hairbrush across the room the other night and I've never felt that angry before........

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks Gil......but I don't feel very confident or brave right now...... I know I have to pick myself up and dust myself off and get on with life and find another future but all I can think of is what I don't have anymore.........I wanna yell and scream and throw stuff......I HURT!!!

I guess that's a healthy reaction......all the times I pushed my feelings down and never showed how much I hurt when I was married, I was on autopilot. When ex lover and I got together, emotions and feelings I'd never felt before came up and overwhelmed me. He made me feel special and loved which I never had before. Now it's over and it's like the rug's been pulled out from under. Everything hurts......I threw a hairbrush across the room the other night and I've never felt that angry before........

Dear BANDIT...It all boils down to the fact you are now able to express what you are feel & the frustraion of it not happening as you desired. It is totally healthy as long as it is a controled situation. I'm sure others understand exactly what your saying too. I doubt there is anyone on any thread here or else where that hasn't had exactly the same feelings, I know I have many times over the years.

Here's hoping that things will fall into place soon & it is all you wish for.

 

[Blackbich]

Hi all just wanted to stop in and let everyone know what is going on. I got my cast off the other day and went and took a shower as soon as I got home. It was great. Had to sit on the bench thingy but it was still great. Have been going to therapy and swimming my ass off. Can't wait to get on the plane to Hawaii and leave the bullshit behind.

Hope everyone is doing good.

Jealous blackbich here!

Have a wonderful time, babydoll, you deserve it!!

[Originally posted by Bandit58
Well.....it appears I was misled......we talked on the phone this morning and he said he was sorry if he made it appear that we had a future together, he never meant to do that. I know that he has lots of issues to sort out and it could take years, but I keep remembering how we felt about each other and I didn't want to let it go so easily.

What hurt the most was he was telling her that he loved her, when he used to tell me that all the time. That he spent time with her because she's right in the same town, that he used to spend online with me. Now I sound like a jealous bitch I know......it didn't matter that he was having sex with her, because he said he loved me. I trusted him with my love and my heart, the first person I ever did that with, and it wasn't enough for him to overcome his problems. I've moved on so much from the scared insecure woman I used to be, and it's because of him and the way I felt about him, still do if the truth be known.

You don't sound jealous to me, you sound like you're hurting. You have been betrayed by someone you gave yourself completely to. Anger is part of the healing process.

I will cope with this and go out and find someone who is free to love me back the way I deserve. I swore I wasn't going to let anyone treat me like crap ever again, and I won't. I'll let him go now, for good this time. I hope he can be happy one day, but it won't be with me......

Yes you will cope and find someone who's more deserving of you because you are one hell of a strong woman. You've proven it time and time again.

{{{Bandit}}}

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Hi guys and gals,

Just a friendly open arms and words to say "if you're even planning to come to Hawaii, especially the island of Oahu, let me know...send me an e-mail before you come to the isle and perhaps I can meet up with you and take you around...you know spread the aloha.

I don't know about the warm weather (we complain about the humidity being so bad) but the beaches are a great way to cool off and get a tan). Will eventually be moving to the mainland when I or rather we, me and the bf, retire in a couple of years. Somehow I guess one doesn't appreciate paradise when one lives there and deals with the high cost of living. It's a beautiful place but most folks here have to work 2 jobs to be able to enjoy some fun (that's if there is time and energy left after working, lol).

Aloha from Hawaii