How do you help someone get over being abused

[shadow_dreamer]

Thanks Gil......but I don't feel very confident or brave right now...... I know I have to pick myself up and dust myself off and get on with life and find another future but all I can think of is what I don't have anymore.........I wanna yell and scream and throw stuff......I HURT!!!

I guess that's a healthy reaction......all the times I pushed my feelings down and never showed how much I hurt when I was married, I was on autopilot. When ex lover and I got together, emotions and feelings I'd never felt before came up and overwhelmed me. He made me feel special and loved which I never had before. Now it's over and it's like the rug's been pulled out from under. Everything hurts......I threw a hairbrush across the room the other night and I've never felt that angry before........

When you're in a marriage or relationship that is abusive somehow we do go into autopilot. It's because we know what would, could happen and our hearts harden, so to speak. We become numb until one day something wakes us up and we realize we need to do something and get the hell out of the situation. Scary as it may be we find the courage and strength to do so (and in my case by then I cared not if he retaliated and I did not care if I lived or died).

A previous relationship was just as bad if not worse. To summarize it the guy who I found out was married and I broke things off, threatened to kill me, said "if I can't have you no one can or will". Thanks to the cops who came to my house to catch the guy I was able to get away from the guy...for awhile that is until he found out where I was living on the mainland. He had the nerve to go to my house, luckily I was at work, and my neighbor knew what had happened with me and recognized the guy so being a CHP he told the guy to leave and go back to Hawaii or get arrested for stalking. The guy from what I was told hung around for a few days watching and waiting for me...luckily my biker friends escorted me to and from work and stayed with me to keep me safe.

There are many steps to healing or getting over an abusive relationship but alas there will the things (songs, words, actions, etc.) that may trigger off bad memories. I've learned to not let it get to me and remind myself it is the past. I've gone through and still go through periods of anger, sadness, desolation, depression and then some. I have someone to talk to and have spoken to doctors and that helps. What needs to be worked on is one's self esteem. We are robbed of that in an abusive relationship and we need to make ourselves realize and feel good about ourselves.

We are not what the abusers said we were...it was their way of controlling things and that is what drives them the ability to dominate, control and to make us feel worthless.

I'm glad you are letting your anger out; just don't take it out on others or turn your back on the world. I scream, throw things, go off to sit at a beach to listen to the waves and to think and cry my heart out. Let the anguish out and tell yourself "I'm now a better, stronger person. The past may haunt me now and again but I will survive. My life is mine to live the way I choose to and that is to be happy as a person!"

Lots of love to you all...

 

[Bandit58]

Blackbich.......thank you hon I am coping, in my own way.....I play loud music in my car, I keep busy at work, I went to see my son today and gave him a hug (he's 20 and over 6ft tall and slim with it, so he looks down on me ). I rang my daughter and talked to her yesterday and she made me laugh. Online friends help too (thanks Oz ), and r/l ones are great......two lovely ladies have let me bend their ears and cry on their shoulders and it's helped so much.

I went shopping this afternoon.....a bit of retail therapy, spent far too much money but hey it's mine to do what I like with, no more guilty feelings about buying CDs or clothes like when I was with my ex. That's another thing about being free that I'm getting used to......

shadow_dreamer Thank you too, for putting into words about the numbness I felt when I was married. It got to the stage where I just didn't care anymore. I let him have sex with me and went somewhere else in my mind......and when he'd get frustrated with me because I didn't respond, I just lay there dry eyed where once there would have been tears. The housework suffered because I didn't care about the place, there was food on the table and clean clothes but that's all. I'd get on the computer and escape the only way I could, through talking to people who shared my interests and who I had much more in common with than the person I was married to. A special online friend helped me realise that this couldn't go on......and so one day 16 months ago, after one putdown too many, I voiced what I'd been thinking for years........and he was gobsmacked that I had the guts to leave, after him thinking that I never would. He's still like a little boy who hasn't grown up, he hardly talks to me unless he has to which suits me fine because he still makes me a bit uncomfortable even though I stand up to him now......I laugh inside, because he doesn't know how to handle it

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi guys and gals,

Just a friendly open arms and words to say "if you're even planning to come to Hawaii, especially the island of Oahu, let me know...send me an e-mail before you come to the isle and perhaps I can meet up with you and take you around...you know spread the aloha.

I don't know about the warm weather (we complain about the humidity being so bad) but the beaches are a great way to cool off and get a tan). Will eventually be moving to the mainland when I or rather we, me and the bf, retire in a couple of years. Somehow I guess one doesn't appreciate paradise when one lives there and deals with the high cost of living. It's a beautiful place but most folks here have to work 2 jobs to be able to enjoy some fun (that's if there is time and energy left after working, lol).

Aloha from Hawaii

I have been in Hawaii 4 times but only saw the insides of the terminal as I was IN FLIGHT every time & I knew I'd regret never staying even a few days on those flights & now travel is impossible for me, if LIT had of been a part of my life like now & this offer had been around I would have reconsidered my original plans for sure.

I hope that BABYDOLL & SHADOW DREAMER can hook up for a chat in R/L.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMPING

THIS

THREAD

BACK

UP

TO

KEEP

IT

AROUND

 

[shadow_dreamer]

shadow_dreamer Thank you too, for putting into words about the numbness I felt when I was married. It got to the stage where I just didn't care anymore. I let him have sex with me and went somewhere else in my mind......and when he'd get frustrated with me because I didn't respond, I just lay there dry eyed where once there would have been tears. The housework suffered because I didn't care about the place, there was food on the table and clean clothes but that's all. I'd get on the computer and escape the only way I could, through talking to people who shared my interests and who I had much more in common with than the person I was married to. A special online friend helped me realise that this couldn't go on......and so one day 16 months ago, after one putdown too many, I voiced what I'd been thinking for years........and he was gobsmacked that I had the guts to leave, after him thinking that I never would. He's still like a little boy who hasn't grown up, he hardly talks to me unless he has to which suits me fine because he still makes me a bit uncomfortable even though I stand up to him now......I laugh inside, because he doesn't know how to handle it [/B]

It's difficult to stand up to someone who treats us badly because we don't know what or how they would react but when you throw them a curve ball they can't handle a strange feeling overcomes you. When I told my ex he was not only dumbfounded but he went numb for quite awhile.

It's strange how the characteristics of the people that have hurt us are similar. Just be thankful we were able to take the step forward. Now we have to keep walking forward and not turn back.

I'm still battling with bad memories but they are subsiding. They return, however, whenever I see my ex. Lately he's been looking very angry and it makes me shiver.

Take care and I'm glad to have made new friends although it began on a subject that is so close to the heart.

Aloha everyone!

 

[Gil_T2]

It's difficult to stand up to someone who treats us badly because we don't know what or how they would react but when you throw them a curve ball they can't handle a strange feeling overcomes you. When I told my ex he was not only dumbfounded but he went numb for quite awhile.

It's strange how the characteristics of the people that have hurt us are similar. Just be thankful we were able to take the step forward. Now we have to keep walking forward and not turn back.

I'm still battling with bad memories but they are subsiding. They return, however, whenever I see my ex. Lately he's been looking very angry and it makes me shiver.

Take care and I'm glad to have made new friends although it began on a subject that is so close to the heart.

Aloha everyone!

Yes we have all met here but I think it gives a special bond between us all as we know & face similar demons.

As for your ex I pray you remain safe & well.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Yes we have all met here but I think it gives a special bond between us all as we know & face similar demons.

As for your ex I pray you remain safe & well.

Thanks Gi...Tomorrow unfortunately I am going to a graduation pary (my family) and he (my ex) is going to be there, Luckily my bf will be with me and he always stays with me or makes sure I'm not left alone when he has to do something. Wish me luck...it's sad and upsetting that my family still invites him to parties. I guess they pity him since he has no siblings and nowhere really to go that he has true friends. They think it doesn't upset me, although I've made it known many times how uncovfortable I feel but I guess they are on a different planet from me or are just deaf.

Love to you all from Hawaii (we're expecting rain this weekend...bummer!)

 

[Don K Dyck]

Thanks Gi...Tomorrow unfortunately I am going to a graduation pary (my family) and he (my ex) is going to be there, Luckily my bf will be with me and he always stays with me or makes sure I'm not left alone when he has to do something. Wish me luck...it's sad and upsetting that my family still invites him to parties. I guess they pity him since he has no siblings and nowhere really to go that he has true friends. They think it doesn't upset me, although I've made it known many times how uncovfortable I feel but I guess they are on a different planet from me or are just deaf.

Love to you all from Hawaii (we're expecting rain this weekend...bummer!)

Hi Shadow Dreamer . . . sometimes avoidance is the best strategy . . . is it REALLY necessaryfor you to go to the party? I mean, there is no great benefit in making yourself unhappy or uncomfortable, and by NOT attending, then you would be making a very strong p[oint with your "deaf" family . . . in fact, you could even ring them as the party starts and tell them why you are doing somethingelse because they have invited your ex . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Shadow Dreamer . . . sometimes avoidance is the best strategy . . . is it REALLY necessaryfor you to go to the party? I mean, there is no great benefit in making yourself unhappy or uncomfortable, and by NOT attending, then you would be making a very strong p[oint with your "deaf" family . . . in fact, you could even ring them as the party starts and tell them why you are doing somethingelse because they have invited your ex . . .

Hey DON an added possible bonus could be the family waking up to the fact that SHADOW DREAMER dosen't want him around her.

 

[Bandit58]

I avoid my ex whenever possible, but it's difficult when our daughter lives with him. My parents still see him occasionally, for instance daughter was staying there for a couple of days and he went to pick her up and swept their chimney, and mum does baking and stuff for them. I don't mind so long as I don't have to see him.

They do not know what went on in the marriage.....as far as they are concerned I left because I didn't love him and we had nothing left in common anymore. He is the father of their grandchildren and it would make things more awkward than they already are for them to know the truth.

It did hurt earlier on when they seemed to take his side over some things, example when we were working out the separation agreement my own mother said to me that she didn't see why I should be getting such an amount of money because he did most of the work. Excuse me??? I felt like blurting out the truth right then but I restrained myself.......

Recently I seem to have distanced myself a bit from them, what with work and moving a bit further away, and they have no idea that I am bi or that I have had more than one sexual partner since the split. They knew about ex lover and totally did not approve let alone the fact that he is married I had to tell them every time I went away, because of dad's health. Now I have just said that I am entitled to a private life and sometimes I will not be at home, and if they really need me to ring my cellphone. What they don't know won't hurt them and they will be moving in the next few months anyway. We still get on and I love them but I am no longer the dutiful and obedient daughter.......

 

[Gil_T2]

I avoid my ex whenever possible, but it's difficult when our daughter lives with him. My parents still see him occasionally, for instance daughter was staying there for a couple of days and he went to pick her up and swept their chimney, and mum does baking and stuff for them. I don't mind so long as I don't have to see him.

They do not know what went on in the marriage.....as far as they are concerned I left because I didn't love him and we had nothing left in common anymore. He is the father of their grandchildren and it would make things more awkward than they already are for them to know the truth.

It did hurt earlier on when they seemed to take his side over some things, example when we were working out the separation agreement my own mother said to me that she didn't see why I should be getting such an amount of money because he did most of the work. Excuse me??? I felt like blurting out the truth right then but I restrained myself.......

Recently I seem to have distanced myself a bit from them, what with work and moving a bit further away, and they have no idea that I am bi or that I have had more than one sexual partner since the split. They knew about ex lover and totally did not approve let alone the fact that he is married I had to tell them every time I went away, because of dad's health. Now I have just said that I am entitled to a private life and sometimes I will not be at home, and if they really need me to ring my cellphone. What they don't know won't hurt them and they will be moving in the next few months anyway. We still get on and I love them but I am no longer the dutiful and obedient daughter.......

I do not understand why you haven't told your parents because they will still be pleasent to your ex wouldn't they ? Some of what you say about their thinking about you getting a settlement as the generation they are from (similar to my own parents) it was only recently when mum was telling me of how dad was saying how he has always loved her & she came out with the fact that he has abused her physically when they were younger but she stayed with him & it ended... NOW 50 years on he is dependent on her for so much because of his declining health, he also dosen't remember why my sister & I left home so young because of his strick over the top rules & mind games.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Hi Shadow Dreamer . . . sometimes avoidance is the best strategy . . . is it REALLY necessaryfor you to go to the party? I mean, there is no great benefit in making yourself unhappy or uncomfortable, and by NOT attending, then you would be making a very strong p[oint with your "deaf" family . . . in fact, you could even ring them as the party starts and tell them why you are doing somethingelse because they have invited your ex . . .

Tried that for the past 3 years and there have been many times I don't show up or call them and tell them I'm not coming because he's there. They try to talk me out of it but I tell them I'd rather spend it with my bf than to encounter my ex. Some have gotten it through their skulls others just plain forget or can't figure it out when I tell them. Go figure!

Anyway, the party is today and found out the ex cancelled out ...we shall see but I shall let you all know what comes about. I've learned to just stay away and tune him out. I just hope he doesn't drink (that's when he gets nasty and uncontrollable) but surely I won't be alone at anytime.

Love to you all!

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Hey DON an added possible bonus could be the family waking up to the fact that SHADOW DREAMER dosen't want him around her.

The family is slow on catching on (at least two of my sisters are anyway) but the rest know how I feel and they've been trying to get the others to wake up and get with reality.

And my family wonders why I don't go to parties and holiday gatherings? Duh! I guess since I'm the youngest in the family my opinion, despite the fact I'm an adult, does not matter.

Slowly but surely they know they'll be seeing less of me and wonder why others keep telling them "What's up with the ex being here? Who's related by blood?"

Getting ready for the party since I heard the ex cancelled out but I shall see. Won't be alone (bf will be with me) and will not give him the opportunity to get near me, especially if he drinks (that's he's really nasty).

I shall let you all know what happens. Enjoy the weekend and Aloha!

 

[Gil_T2]

The family is slow on catching on (at least two of my sisters are anyway) but the rest know how I feel and they've been trying to get the others to wake up and get with reality.

And my family wonders why I don't go to parties and holiday gatherings? Duh! I guess since I'm the youngest in the family my opinion, despite the fact I'm an adult, does not matter.

Slowly but surely they know they'll be seeing less of me and wonder why others keep telling them "What's up with the ex being here? Who's related by blood?"

Getting ready for the party since I heard the ex cancelled out but I shall see. Won't be alone (bf will be with me) and will not give him the opportunity to get near me, especially if he drinks (that's he's really nasty).

I shall let you all know what happens. Enjoy the weekend and Aloha!

We all hope it is a trouble free time for you & your B/F.

Stay safe & well.

 

[wicked woman]

I haven't read all of this thread... but I've read enough to say how honoured I am to be a part of a forum with people who contribute to a thread like this.....both the survivors and those people interested in supporting and caring for them. Give yourself a group hug. This is absolutely beautiful.

 

[Gil_T2]

I haven't read all of this thread... but I've read enough to say how honoured I am to be a part of a forum with people who contribute to a thread like this.....both the survivors and those people interested in supporting and caring for them. Give yourself a group hug. This is absolutely beautiful.

Thankyou WICKED WOMAN it pleases me as the starter of the thread to say many of our abused both ladies & guys are getting on top of their demons, but if you do find the time to read all you'll see most have had some type of abuse in their lives.

We are NOT experts just people who care about others.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
Thankyou WICKED WOMAN it pleases me as the starter of the thread to say many of our abused both ladies & guys are getting on top of their demons, but if you do find the time to read all you'll see most have had some type of abuse in their lives.

We are NOT experts just people who care about others.

Gil I've read enough (probably half of this thread.. and I will read it all...it's just difficult for me to read as you can imagine) to know both that too many of the posters have been abused and that they are indeed dealing with their demons.

Many years ago I volunteered at a Sexual Assault Crisis Centre...I understand a tiny bit...I'll never profess to fully understand.

Sometimes it's more important that people truly care than that they are experts. The depth of caring here (including yours) is obvious to anyone that visits.

WW

 

[kikmosa]

Gil I've read enough (probably half of this thread.. and I will read it all...it's just difficult for me to read as you can imagine) to know both that too many of the posters have been abused and that they are indeed dealing with their demons.

Many years ago I volunteered at a Sexual Assault Crisis Centre...I understand a tiny bit...I'll never profess to fully understand.

Sometimes it's more important that people truly care than that they are experts. The depth of caring here (including yours) is obvious to anyone that visits.

WW

I agree, understanding means a lot more to us. I've talked to several counslers now, on-line, phone, and one in person. Yes they help and yes they care. But despite all of their schooling and practice, They never will truly understand where we're coming from because they haven't been there. They can surmised how it felt but they will never really know. They can walk into a room and feel comfortable with thier backs to a door, surrounded by people they don't know. They will never know what it's like to need to stand against the wall so no one can get behind you or to shrink back when someone reaches out to touch your shoulder because you fear a striking hand.To be afraid to even say hello because speaking got you punished. Only those who have been there know how it feels to live in constant fear. So yes, a place like this means so much to us. To know that someone here understands. To know we're not alone. For us, this is home.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by kikmosa
I agree, understanding means a lot more to us. I've talked to several counslers now, on-line, phone, and one in person. Yes they help and yes they care. But despite all of their schooling and practice, They never will truly understand where we're coming from because they haven't been there. They can surmised how it felt but they will never really know. They can walk into a room and feel comfortable with thier backs to a door, surrounded by people they don't know. They will never know what it's like to need to stand against the wall so no one can get behind you or to shrink back when someone reaches out to touch your shoulder because you fear a striking hand.To be afraid to even say hello because speaking got you punished. Only those who have been there know how it feels to live in constant fear. So yes, a place like this means so much to us. To know that someone here understands. To know we're not alone. For us, this is home.

You describe how you feel well enough that even the little bit I can empathize scares me. As I said I certainly don't profess to understand. I know I don't but I'm glad there are others here that do ...to help support each of you.

On the other hand please don't minimize someone who truly cares for you even though they may not understand fully because they haven't walked in your shoes. Feel free to take all of the support that is offered to you.

I may not know much about understanding what you've been through but I do know about caring for a survior. One of my best friends was sexually assaulted by her father. I knew it before she could even admit it to herself...when she was far enough removed and out of the house that she could deny it...let alone admit it to me. She eventually confronted and then worked through her demons. I got to hold her close while she did.

Hugs

WW

 

[Wolf_Song]

Just read through what has been shared herein since having last posted. Wanted to compliment and wish the best to all you wonderful people. Though not here as much as most.. always believing in and hoping the best for each.

PS, I believe in you !

( hugs for any whom wish them )

 

[shadow_dreamer]

We all hope it is a trouble free time for you & your B/F.

Stay safe & well.

Party went well considering the ex didn't show up despite the rain and wind dampened the festivities a bit. Found out the ex is visiting in Arizona with his new girlfriend (I hope she doesn't end up being treated the way I was).

I still can't believe how many of us are out there and that we have a place to come to to share our past experiences and to offer what help or advice we can. I tried with the local authorities/agencies but their logic is "we have to see it happening" or "did you do anything to bring this on?" Plus the shelters are not so safe considering the abusers either find out or know where it is.

Keep strong everyone and remember there's a place we all can gather and let our voices be heard. Others may not believe us but we know better.

 

[kikmosa]

You describe how you feel well enough that even the little bit I can empathize scares me. As I said I certainly don't profess to understand. I know I don't but I'm glad there are others here that do ...to help support each of you.

On the other hand please don't minimize someone who truly cares for you even though they may not understand fully because they haven't walked in your shoes. Feel free to take all of the support that is offered to you.

I may not know much about understanding what you've been through but I do know about caring for a survior. One of my best friends was sexually assaulted by her father. I knew it before she could even admit it to herself...when she was far enough removed and out of the house that she could deny it...let alone admit it to me. She eventually confronted and then worked through her demons. I got to hold her close while she did.

Hugs

WW

I never meant to minimize the effort and caring extended by those who haven't suffered abuse. That caring and support is very important to all of us. Just knowing that people are willing to stand up for us even without that experience is comforting. If enough people stand up then maybe we can stop this terrible thing from ever happening again. I don't want to discourge anyone from trying to help. I want to encourge more people to extend a helping hand. Even if it's just calling the police when they supect or hear something. Only by all of us, abused and non-abused, standing together can we make a difference.

 

[hbcacouple]

a realstic view

RUN LIKE HELL.
Do you want a life or a role in a never ending soap opera where something negative can and probably will be read into everything you do. If you have any doubts read the preceeding posts.
Save yourself. If they are worth saving, they can do it themselves.

 

[Gil_T2]

I never meant to minimize the effort and caring extended by those who haven't suffered abuse. That caring and support is very important to all of us. Just knowing that people are willing to stand up for us even without that experience is comforting. If enough people stand up then maybe we can stop this terrible thing from ever happening again. I don't want to discourge anyone from trying to help. I want to encourge more people to extend a helping hand. Even if it's just calling the police when they supect or hear something. Only by all of us, abused and non-abused, standing together can we make a difference.

I went looking for help to cope with the depression & distruction of my selfesteem but after pouring my deepest feeling ou got told "BUT YOUR A GUY SO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE" I never asked again.

In the time this thread has been up I have had much of my ego/esteem restored by my friends here as here is the only comfy plave I know where I can be totally honest...even though I keep a lot inside.

 

[BamaBelle]

When I was in highschool, I had a VERY good friend Annette that was my soul mate best friend.
Her father raped her and abused her, her mother, her other sister. Annette one day acted very strange. I asked another friend of ours what was going on. She didnt know. Through the grapevine I heard that Annette was suffering from multiple personalities.
Not long after that I had an "encounter" with one of her personalities. I froze I was so scared I didnt know how to help or what to say or do to her or for her. In essence I ran from her emotionally. I could not bring myself to reach out to her and offer some help.
One of our mutual friends referred her to a counselor at the school. This wonderful woman helped Annette. She moved out of her house and in with another family. Annette soon found a wonderful man that she married, I was the maid of honor. I was dumbstruck that she would even ask me after I had abandoned her in her time of need.
This is one of those times in my life that I truly regret. I didnt deserve for her to be so nice to me when I bailed on her.
Later after we both graduated high school, we ran into each other. She told me that the day I bailed on her, she could feel herself screaming for me to help and knew I couldnt do anything because she couldnt tell me HOW to help her. She forgave me.
I havent seen Annette in years, because I dont live in the same city. I just hope that who ever reads this will know, that if you dont know the words, or HOW to help, find someone who does. If only I could take back that awful day and do it over again...