How do you help someone get over being abused
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Don K Dyck
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THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE - EVER!!
Hhmmmm . . . Mona is correct, he is beating you down . . . and beating you up . . .
THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE - EVER!!
Frequently this sort of behaviour is founded within him and his personal history . . . but that is no excuse for it . . . I have very firm personal opinions about violence of any sort . . .
WHEN THE VIOLENCE STARTS, THE RELATIONSHIP STOPS
and the time to make some very hard decisions has arrived . . .
Every relationship builds up what is called "emotional capital", that accummulation of feelings between individuals that we sometimes call "love" becomes an issue . . . I may not have much, but can I survive without any?? The answer is very definitely "YES!!"
As this thread shows, there will be times when the going gets tough . . . but you have survived worse, and as YOU build YOUR life the way YOU want it, then YOU will understand the wisdom of YOUR decisions. You will find reserves of strength that you never even knew were there. You will become emotionally stronger during any time that you spend alone. You will find yourself making achievements for yourself that you never dreamed were possible.
Frequently counselling either from a good friend or professionally, will help with the tough times, but rushing back into a "new" relationship without going through the evaluation of the previous relationship, will just about guarantee a repetition of the previous abusive relationship . . . because YOUR thinking and YOUR standards will not have changed!! We have to learn to expect and demand better behaviour from others . . .
We learn our behaviours from our family structure and surrounding society. If you have an abusive family it is likely that you will accept abuse as the social norm . . . remember, we get the behaviour from other people that we are prepared to accept . . . so why accept abuse . . . decide you want something better and DO NOT ACCEPT ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR from the people around you . . . even to the extent of breaking off the friendship or moving to another location . . .
SPEAK OUT AGAINST ABUSE . . . LOUDLY, so that everybody can hear . . . abusive people are generally bullies with deep emotional problems of their own that they transpose onto others at every available opportunity to make themselves feel better (for a short time).
From a distance and with incomplete information about your personal situation (unneccessary) . . . either he shapes up to your new non-negotiable behaviour requirements, or you ship out to a new abuse free life somewhere else . . . ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness, so why not start being happy . . . and with someone else who will appreciate your many fine loving qualities . . . it works, many of us have done it . . . just have faith in your own overwhelming value as a loving person . . .
A happy relationship does not require abuse . . . you NEVER have to accept abuse . . . from anyone!! . . . EVER!!
Annvalery said:
Hhmmmm . . . Mona is correct, he is beating you down . . . and beating you up . . .
THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE - EVER!!
Frequently this sort of behaviour is founded within him and his personal history . . . but that is no excuse for it . . . I have very firm personal opinions about violence of any sort . . .
WHEN THE VIOLENCE STARTS, THE RELATIONSHIP STOPS
and the time to make some very hard decisions has arrived . . .
Every relationship builds up what is called "emotional capital", that accummulation of feelings between individuals that we sometimes call "love" becomes an issue . . . I may not have much, but can I survive without any?? The answer is very definitely "YES!!"
As this thread shows, there will be times when the going gets tough . . . but you have survived worse, and as YOU build YOUR life the way YOU want it, then YOU will understand the wisdom of YOUR decisions. You will find reserves of strength that you never even knew were there. You will become emotionally stronger during any time that you spend alone. You will find yourself making achievements for yourself that you never dreamed were possible.
Frequently counselling either from a good friend or professionally, will help with the tough times, but rushing back into a "new" relationship without going through the evaluation of the previous relationship, will just about guarantee a repetition of the previous abusive relationship . . . because YOUR thinking and YOUR standards will not have changed!! We have to learn to expect and demand better behaviour from others . . .
We learn our behaviours from our family structure and surrounding society. If you have an abusive family it is likely that you will accept abuse as the social norm . . . remember, we get the behaviour from other people that we are prepared to accept . . . so why accept abuse . . . decide you want something better and DO NOT ACCEPT ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR from the people around you . . . even to the extent of breaking off the friendship or moving to another location . . .
SPEAK OUT AGAINST ABUSE . . . LOUDLY, so that everybody can hear . . . abusive people are generally bullies with deep emotional problems of their own that they transpose onto others at every available opportunity to make themselves feel better (for a short time).
From a distance and with incomplete information about your personal situation (unneccessary) . . . either he shapes up to your new non-negotiable behaviour requirements, or you ship out to a new abuse free life somewhere else . . . ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness, so why not start being happy . . . and with someone else who will appreciate your many fine loving qualities . . . it works, many of us have done it . . . just have faith in your own overwhelming value as a loving person . . .
A happy relationship does not require abuse . . . you NEVER have to accept abuse . . . from anyone!! . . . EVER!!
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Gil_T2
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Annvalery said:
You can and must save yourself YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESSand in time you will discover this yourself these worthless scum arethe worthless ones.Kiki has had so much missery in her life but is battling back look in you local phone books and there will be a list of places to contact or even talk to your doctor or there should bean organisation you could ring anon in AUSSIE we have LIFELINE who have trained people maning the phones 24/7 and if you wish PM almostany one on hereand I'm sure we will do all we can to assist you I'll also talk to LADYBIRD who is a real lifefriend even though she lives on the otherside of the country.
and I agree with your post.
Gil_T2
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Don buddy you have a great gift of voicing your thoughts so well and with great sensetivity I wish I had you ability the use the english language so precise and clear THANKYOUso much for you help with this nasty subject and again the victim feels at fault which is totally wrong, so mant times I hear "I must deserve it" but this is just total crap no one deserves it.
Althoughmany people are into the DOM/sub thingwhich istotally different because both parties agree to it.
Althoughmany people are into the DOM/sub thingwhich istotally different because both parties agree to it.
Ladybird
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Annvalery said:
Hi sweet, you're better off than you realise. That's because you're aware of what is happening to you, and the effects. So often this kind of abusive behavour creeps up and you're not aware of it. Then one day, when you're a total dependant, you see what's been happening, and it's just so hard to break free.
But you know.. you can see, so you're miles ahead of many others hon. I'm not making light of your situation at all, I'm showing you that you haven't hit the end of the road yet.
It's easy to say, get out, but it's bloody hard to do.
Do you have any time away from him? Just a few hours in the day or the evening? If so, consider this 'your time'. That's when your thoughts belong to you, and you only. He can't get in.
If you're with him most of the time, then wait until you're in bed at night. That's what I did. While my hubby slept, I would lay there and escape. I'd take myself off to anywhere I wanted, I would visit islands, castles, you name it.. I went there. And it was great.. because I was there on my own.
The big benefit to me, was that I gained strength. I more I could get away from his influence, the stronger and more determined I became. I could also see my situation more clearly, and see just how disfunctional it was.
Then I started talking to people online, just as you are now. I talked of my situation, and was amazed at their response to what I'd always thought was a normal marriage. I don't think I could have made the move without them. Good friends here at Literotica.
Finally we had an arguement, a huge one. Mr smart arse then asked me what was I going to do... move out? And it was so simple then to just say "Yes".
Then I moved very quickly, before I chicked out. I was out of the house in a week.
So gather your strength from where ever you can. Build it up, knowing what you're working towards. And look for opportunity. If your husband threatens to throw you out, or something similar.. go. If you can't say the words, wait for him too.
Meanwhile, look around for somewhere to go, check out your options re Social Security, if that's available to you. See the police to find out how difficult a restraining order would be, if you think he may become violent. Are there any shelters nearby for women? Go there, they'll often help you find accommodation.
You have a lot of work to do, to ready yourself. Do it, and by putting in this preparation, you'll find you gain confidence and become stronger.
And if you EVER feel you need a little encouragement PM me. I say that with absolute sincerity, so please.. reach out if you need too. I will do whatever I can to keep you on track.
Lastly, I'll also keep you in my prayers.
LB
Gil_T2
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Thankyou for your post LADYBIRD and I don't understand how any MAN could treat the person he is meant to love in the manner that so many describe on this thread and just want to let you all know that there are good guys out there who will treat you with the respect everyone deserves in life, it's so simple if the guys don't like it just leave and start again but I think they are the weakest low life scum on this earth and jusy love hearing of some guy beating the living crap out of them giving them a taste of their own medicine...My personal thought on them is that they are cowards when faced with an equal opposition.
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Gil_T2
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rfshadow said:
Personally I think a dog would be better as they are more devoted to their owner and can be trained to defend their owner if ever threatened,my MUM used to walk a lot and always to our dog with her so he got the exercise they need & was never trained to defend but when a guy tried to rob MUM he regrettted it no end as the dog automatically attacked taking some large chunks out of the guy who was later found at the hospital getting stitched up and discovered that hehad robbed 17 other ladies yet this same dog used to hide and wimper while a stray cat ait his dinner.Our dog we used to say was only a treat if it was possible to lick you to death he was so placid.
A lighter moment which I hope gives you a giggle when there was a bitch on heat he would jump the yard fence and off after her well this one timehe came home with fur missing,cuts,bites etc
he was a real mess so the next day I saw him clear the fence and chased him and fell down laughing when I saw the bitch it was a great dane...... He would have needed a ladder to just get close to her and here he was taking on all the other dogs.
Cats also tend to me more stand offish and only come to the owner if it suits them where as the dog is always happy to see there owners.
Well, I was abused as a child. And no one ever helped me. Mostly all you can do is leave a person cautiously alone. What I mean by this is that under no circumstances do you cut off the relationship simply because of this little bump in the road. But rather, you give them space, and when they're ready, they will come back and thank you for it. The hardest part of the whole thing is straightening the whole situation right in your mind. This is very hard to do. You actually have to wire your brain so that you know you will never let this happen to you again.
Hope I helped.
~CantSayNo~
Hope I helped.
~CantSayNo~
Gil_T2
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CantSayNo said:
I'm saddened that you didn't get helped when you were young but ABUSERS DO NOT CHANGE they may cease for a while but will return to their CONTROLING WAYS and the mental pain many suffer even once out often leads to death anyway as they have had ALL self worth destroyed.
YES give them space ....... as many miles as you can.
Realising YOUR not the ugly,useless,nobody that they pound into you day after day so it's both physical as well as mental abuse in most cases....their way of controling you and as one lady said it's even harder if they just leave you after abusing you for many years which made her feel that she was even more ugly,useless etc and this lady has shown she TALENTED,SMARTand a wonderful LADY showing great strength by battling EVERY day to try to get over it and I chat to her when I can and know the mental torture she fights every day regardless of the fact she no longer has this ANIMAL to answer to.
I hope you go read what some of these people have suffered and staying is the last thing they should ever think of as some would now be dead.
babydoll_73
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I am in therapy and it has helped alot. Plus I have good friends and family around me telling me that I am not useless and horrible. I tell myself that now and find that I am happier now that I know what I am worth. Nobody has the right to tell you that you are worthless or make you feel bad. I just wish that more people could get out of the situations once they got into them.
Gil_T2
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babydoll_73 said:
I'm hoping my friend can read this as she has escaped physically but not emotionally and living half a world away doesn't help either.
Glad to see your getting helpand realise that you are just as important as anyone else in the world.
NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO SUBMIT THE PERSON WHO THEY ARE MEANT TO LOVE TO THIS TYPE OF BULLSHIT...... Lowering their self worth,etc etc is not OK ever in a relationship.
kikmosa
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I am seeing this Gil. And reading every word. Yes I escaped but as you said, I'm still trapped in my mind. But I am trying. I no longer give in and I'm learning to stand up for myself. The people hear at Lit have made a big difference in my life. For the first time, I feel that I'm accepted, faults and all. My sense of self worth is still low but at least it exists now. Slowly, bit by bit I'm rebuilding who I am.Gil_T2 said:I'm hoping my friend can read this as she has escaped physically but not emotionally and living half a world away doesn't help either.
Glad to see your getting helpand realise that you are just as important as anyone else in the world.
NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO SUBMIT THE PERSON WHO THEY ARE MEANT TO LOVE TO THIS TYPE OF BULLSHIT...... Lowering their self worth,etc etc is not OK ever in a relationship.
Please, all of you out there, don't give up. There is hope in this world. Yes, there are monsters out there, but as I'm learning, there are Angels also.
To Gil, my Angel.
babydoll_73
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kikmosa said:I am seeing this Gil. And reading every word. Yes I escaped but as you said, I'm still trapped in my mind. But I am trying. I no longer give in and I'm learning to stand up for myself. The people hear at Lit have made a big difference in my life. For the first time, I feel that I'm accepted, faults and all. My sense of self worth is still low but at least it exists now. Slowly, bit by bit I'm rebuilding who I am.
Please, all of you out there, don't give up. There is hope in this world. Yes, there are monsters out there, but as I'm learning, there are Angels also.
KIKI I think that you are a strong person and I love that about you. I haven't been at lit that long and you have shown so much kindness. I am glad that you are learning that you can be yourself and people will love you for who you are. If they don't then they shouldn't be in your life. That is what I am going through now. Sorting through the people who claim to love me but want me to change to fit there needs. Stay strong and don't forget you can always pm me or email me.
babydoll
Gil_T2
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THANKYOU BABYDOLL and hope you keep finding the special thing that you have inside that you hadbeen forced to bury.
KIKI is a very smart lady if you read her story you would think it was part of her lifestyle but she read up un it and produced a story that someone in that life style would write.
KIKI is a very smart lady if you read her story you would think it was part of her lifestyle but she read up un it and produced a story that someone in that life style would write.
kikmosa
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Main thing I want to show with that story is that you have to have an absolute trust in your partner. It would be very easy for them to lose their control and really hurt you. You have to be careful and totally certain that they can control not you, but themselves.Gil_T2 said:
Gil_T2
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kikmosa said:
ANYONE going into this life style MUST talk to each other setting your limits,what is OK and WHAT IS TOTALLY unacceptable.
MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL - SAFE WORDS and/or signals.
Yes I have been into it with some ladies & was introduced by an ex G/F who showed me how to do it at first I didn't like it but found that my respect for her hadn't changed and even though it had never interested me before.....I liked it sincethat time I have had both BDSM & VANILLA and it is totally the ladies choice, I do not seek the total 24/7 DOM/sub thing but it does give me joy when I do get to play.
Some of the fantastic ladies I PM and EMAIL have since tried with people they trust & found they enjoy it too, but you do have to talk,trust & enjoy for the whole thing to be a pleasure but it isn't for everyone so do as KIKI did search out sites on the subject and read all you can before starting.
Bandit58
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safe/code words
Due to having been in a relationship for years where I hated having sex, I find myself doing things to subconsciously protect myself. For example, even though I completely and utterly trust my lover I tend to hold my arm up between us, or pull away slightly if things get too intense. He is aware of what happened to me, and we have a couple of "safe words" we use, one is to make me aware of what I'm doing and reassure me, and the second is for me to use if I ever start feeling uncomfortable with anything, so he knows to just stop and cuddle me. We are taking things slowly and we haven't had to use them very much lately
Due to having been in a relationship for years where I hated having sex, I find myself doing things to subconsciously protect myself. For example, even though I completely and utterly trust my lover I tend to hold my arm up between us, or pull away slightly if things get too intense. He is aware of what happened to me, and we have a couple of "safe words" we use, one is to make me aware of what I'm doing and reassure me, and the second is for me to use if I ever start feeling uncomfortable with anything, so he knows to just stop and cuddle me. We are taking things slowly and we haven't had to use them very much lately
Gil_T2
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Re: safe/code words
TOTALLY understandable BANDIT and so glad that you now have a kind & caring man in your life, trying to put myself in the abused shoes I can't see being able to ever trust a male again so you like many others who have survived show your STRENGTH that you can even show any trust, I had a PMfrom a lady who went through it many years ago and shenow says that with the patienceof her partner can trust him to do anything with her like sneek up behind her and throw his arms around her which she said would have had a knife in him earlier or had her breaking down so I guess time& trust are the way to go and lots of open honest talking.
Continued JOY to you.
Bandit58 said:Due to having been in a relationship for years where I hated having sex, I find myself doing things to subconsciously protect myself. For example, even though I completely and utterly trust my lover I tend to hold my arm up between us, or pull away slightly if things get too intense. He is aware of what happened to me, and we have a couple of "safe words" we use, one is to make me aware of what I'm doing and reassure me, and the second is for me to use if I ever start feeling uncomfortable with anything, so he knows to just stop and cuddle me. We are taking things slowly and we haven't had to use them very much lately
TOTALLY understandable BANDIT and so glad that you now have a kind & caring man in your life, trying to put myself in the abused shoes I can't see being able to ever trust a male again so you like many others who have survived show your STRENGTH that you can even show any trust, I had a PMfrom a lady who went through it many years ago and shenow says that with the patienceof her partner can trust him to do anything with her like sneek up behind her and throw his arms around her which she said would have had a knife in him earlier or had her breaking down so I guess time& trust are the way to go and lots of open honest talking.
Continued JOY to you.
kikmosa
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The main reason I started researching it was pure curiousity. I needed to know how some people could do for fun, what I was forced to endure for years. It didn't take me long to find out that it wasn't the same thing at all. Not even close. In a D/s lifestyle the 'sub' has MORE control over the situation then the Dom does. The sub decides the limits, when to stop and how much they can take. The Dom has only as much control as the sub gives them and a lot more responsability. The sub Chooses to give control to the Dom, willingly, out of a need inside to serve. And I don't mean as a slave although some so go that far. It's more the desire to be needed and wanted and to please his/her Dom/me. I don't know if I could ever do that but for a lot of people, it's a way of life. That has to be each person's choice.Gil_T2 said:
Gil_T2
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kikmosa said:
You are so right about the sub being in control & respect,trust & talking prior to even starting along with the safe words, I think the best is the "TRAFFIC LIGHTS" RED for STOP NOW, YELLOW for slow it up or go a bit easier, & no need for green except for thats it just right.
