How do you help someone get over being abused

[omahaman2]

Hope the friends i know here
and the friends i dont know yet
feel they are winning over this
the feelings that have been inflicted
This song by santana
gives me motivation
thought Id shareSantana - Zebop - Winning lyrics:
Credits
Music/ Lyrics: Leo Ballard


Lyrics
One day I was on the ground
When I needed a hand
And it couldn't be found
I was so far down
That I couldn't get up
You know and
One day I was one of life's losers
Even my friends were my ac-cus-ers
And in my head
Lost before I'd begun


I had a dream
But it turned to dust
What I thought was love
That must have been lust
I was living in style
When the walls fell in
When I played my hand
I looked like a joker
Turn around
Fate must have woke her
'Cause lady luck she was
Waiting outside the door


Chorus:


I'm winning
I'm winning
I'm winning
And I don't intend on losing again


Too bad it belonged to me
It was the wrong time
And I meant to be
It took a long time
And I knew for now
I can see the day
That I breath for
Friends agree there's a need
To play the game
And to win again


Chorus:
(repeat first line 5x's)
(repeat last line 4x's)


Repeat Verse II


Chorus:
(repeat first line 5x's)

 

[Gil_T2]

THANKS for your wonderful post I'm sure itwill help atleast one person &IF IT DOES THAT it will be fantastic.

THANKYOU

 

[Gil_T2]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

10/12/02 Istarted this thread to help just onelady who was in the depths of depression but she has survived & grows stronger every day &her strangth inspires me.

Others who have also posted of their growth since escaping abuse also give me joy too.

KIKI continue to grow stronger with each day& I hope you memories lessen too.

Big hugsto you all.

 

[Annvalery]

Thanks

Ladybird and everybody,

Thanks for all your kind words. When you are abused for so long, you get to believe that somehow you deserve it. But here, getting to know that there are actually more people like me, and that they are OK now, that they won the battle, makes me already feel better. I am still here, but little by little trying to get stronger and brave to make this stop for good. And now i know I will.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Thanks

Ladybird and everybody,

Thanks for all your kind words. When you are abused for so long, you get to believe that somehow you deserve it. But here, getting to know that there are actually more people like me, and that they are OK now, that they won the battle, makes me already feel better. I am still here, but little by little trying to get stronger and brave to make this stop for good. And now i know I will.

Yes it's very pleasing to hear VICTIMS are reclaiming their life & now know that they are NOT what they were continually told they were.

The saddest thing is the numbers who emails & PM'd me who didn't want others to know what they had been through.

 

[Bandit58]

Re: Re: Thanks

Yes it's very pleasing to hear VICTIMS are reclaiming their life & now know that they are NOT what they were continually told they were.

The saddest thing is the numbers who emails & PM'd me who didn't want others to know what they had been through.

I live in a small community, very conservative. No one but my best friend in r/l knows what I went through. I was ashamed and I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't respond to my husband. Now I know that I never was loved and cared about. The way he emotionally abused me made me think it was all my fault. He made me feel guilty that I didn't like sex......

The man I am in a relationship with now......there's no comparison. I am loved and I know it, and I love him right back. Even though we're not together yet we both know this is so right.......and we are prepared to wait until the time is right for us. He makes me feel alive and when we're together we're so happy. He lets me be ME......he knows I am bi and is in no way threatened by that, he's so open minded and accepting and wants me to experience that side of me that I kept hidden for my whole life. And making love with him is fantastic.....he's so gentle and loving and patient. He's taught me so much.......and he reckons I've taught him some things too

We just have to wait until he gets up the courage to end his own bad relationship.....

 

[Annvalery]

It is not easy to accept what happens to you... in my case nobody in RL knows what is going on. I am ashamed to accept I made a mistake, i already know what they are going to say and maybe I don't want to be confronted. In the past when a friend was going through a similar situation I couldn't see why she was acting as she was acting... you never know how you are going to react until you are in the situation.

The support and advice of you guys and everybody that can understand and give a few nice words to me and all other victims of any kind of abuse are unvaluable... thanks again.

 

[Gil_T2]

It is not easy to accept what happens to you... in my case nobody in RL knows what is going on. I am ashamed to accept I made a mistake, i already know what they are going to say and maybe I don't want to be confronted. In the past when a friend was going through a similar situation I couldn't see why she was acting as she was acting... you never know how you are going to react until you are in the situation.

The support and advice of you guys and everybody that can understand and give a few nice words to me and all other victims of any kind of abuse are unvaluable... thanks again.

A long term buddy of mine was a police officer & wasmy BEST MAN
he dealt with abused ladies every day but he called in one day while I was reading this thread & asked what was up so I told him to sit down and read through the thread while I made him a coffee, when I came back he had a look of shock on his face & told me he(& other officer) had only gotten a very brief run down on how to deal with cases when called but how he would be thinking of the ppl who posted here as he always took it as being
a mutual thing between partners.So there will be more care & understanding going to victims in his area.

ANNEVALERY & BANDIT plus ALL the others KEEP GROWING STRONG & I hope the painful memories fade rapidly.

 

[Noor]

My experience when you are leaving abuse you really need a babysitter of sorts to be there when times are hard so you don't choose the evil you know over the perceive evil of homelessness, helpless, and fear of the unknown.

Do you ever feel the same way again? Like you did before the abuse? I don't think so; you never completely surrender no matter how hard you try or how much you want to. I am 43 and I haven't experienced any physical abuse in 20+ years but I still never sit with my back to a door. In a room with someone who I don't trust completely I am always closer to the door, never cornered. This is very hard in work environment.

I plan escape routes with new people and new environments. The defensive positioning of Feng Shui is how I have live since I was young. I don't like to be touched, if someone reaches out and touches me, I touch them back so I have a chance to defend myself if needed. When you are so worried about avoiding physical abuse, emotional abuse can sneak up on you, that's been 13 years and I find it hard to trust absolutely, to let people get close to me.

I can see and hear abuse in other people like me, the way they move, position themselves, talk or even chat on line. Once you know it, you see it in others and you want to help them and protect them because no one did that for you until you were permanently damaged by it.

So how can you help any of us? By being there, by accepting that we are doing our best, by sleeping on the side of the bed near the window, sitting next to us in the aisle of the theater. Understand when our desire to trust you overwhelms us causing us back away from you. Realize while some things may seems incredibly funny to you, they may be terrorizing to us, don't laugh, we are not going to get over it by your trying to force us to see the humor of it. It is not personal, we have become conditioned by circumstances beyond our control, and we did it to survive. We are survivors if nothing else. Somehow we find ways to continue our lives, even enjoy them, to find people we can trust and love.

 

[Gil_T2]

My experience when you are leaving abuse you really need a babysitter of sorts to be there when times are hard so you don't choose the evil you know over the perceive evil of homelessness, helpless, and fear of the unknown.

Do you ever feel the same way again? Like you did before the abuse? I don't think so; you never completely surrender no matter how hard you try or how much you want to. I am 43 and I haven't experienced any physical abuse in 20+ years but I still never sit with my back to a door. In a room with someone who I don't trust completely I am always closer to the door, never cornered. This is very hard in work environment.

I plan escape routes with new people and new environments. The defensive positioning of Feng Shui is how I have live since I was young. I don't like to be touched, if someone reaches out and touches me, I touch them back so I have a chance to defend myself if needed. When you are so worried about avoiding physical abuse, emotional abuse can sneak up on you, that's been 13 years and I find it hard to trust absolutely, to let people get close to me.

I can see and hear abuse in other people like me, the way they move, position themselves, talk or even chat on line. Once you know it, you see it in others and you want to help them and protect them because no one did that for you until you were permanently damaged by it.

So how can you help any of us? By being there, by accepting that we are doing our best, by sleeping on the side of the bed near the window, sitting next to us in the aisle of the theater. Understand when our desire to trust you overwhelms us causing us back away from you. Realize while some things may seems incredibly funny to you, they may be terrorizing to us, don't laugh, we are not going to get over it by your trying to force us to see the humor of it. It is not personal, we have become conditioned by circumstances beyond our control, and we did it to survive. We are survivors if nothing else. Somehow we find ways to continue our lives, even enjoy them, to find people we can trust and love.

Noor thanks for your post & from both R/L &LIT friends who are true hero's for surviving their own horrors.I served as deputy chair man of a public housing Co-Op for many years & put in as much time as I could assisting with jobs around the office part of this included helping new ppl wanting housing to fill in their forms
& was told over & over of abusive relationship, ages from 16 to 94 yo,rich,poor &all in between race, religion etc had absolutely nothing to do with who got abused.
The only common thing they all had was feeling worthless & no one else would ever want them.

These scum(abusers) know if they destroy their victims selfesteem
they have their victim for as long as they like.

Just escaping physically isn't enough because of the mental damage like that still haunts NOOR, continue your recovery dear lady.

Big hugs to you all......

 

[Noor]

I wrote my previous post on this thread several weeks ago and didn't post it, I needed the distance, I guess. Maybe I am a little different than most, I always knew the abuse was wrong, I always fought it. I never felt worthless, I felt trapped. Physical abuse was easier to deal with because you have physical evidence. Emotional abuse is harder because it can be very subtle, you can tell yourself they didn't mean it that way, you are over sensitive and so on. One of the things that helped me was listening to an interview with Jeremy Irons where they asked about the success of his long term marriage and he said "I am married to a very difficult woman" and I thought I want to be difficult, I am tired of walking on egg shells, even being responsible, I should be in relationships where that is possible, not ones where I am always good, reasonable & responsible.

I think I am recovered, I am just extremely careful ; ) I always evaluate men's physical & physiological vulnerabilities, in musicians it is usually their hands, their fingers, same with magicians, I check out their center of gravity too. I don't think about this consciously I just do it.

A majority women killed in the US, are murdered by their boyfriends or husbands, unfortunately that is reality. People do all sorts of things to cope in the long run. I notice that on the BDSM boards many of the people talk about having been abused, I suspect this is a method of forcing themselves to overcome it. I do not like to be tied up or contained in anyway, sometimes even being beneath a guy who is larger than I am takes a tremendous amount of mind control not to go into defensive "I am trapped, I need to get away" thinking. I know it is not reality, I know I am safe but occasionally something will set it off, it even happen in cyber once. My lovers know this and are very good about it. I have had more men in my life that would never abuse me than those who would, in a way that has always kept me aware that abuse is wrong and and not normal. That is one way to help to be an example for someone that relationships can have problems and not be abusive. One thing intentional abusers do is limit the abused outside contacts by not giving messages, alienating family, discouraging friends, sometimes even home schooling kids so that there is no independent contact with the outside world. If you think someone is being abused, stay in their life somehow, it lets the abuser know that someone is noticing and the abused that they are not alone.

Some women get heavier, wear baggy clothes in an attempt to not attract abusers, I do this, although for me I think it is in response to being stalked a few times. Being heavier gives you more body mass to fight back with as well. This society is very cruel to overweight people, the assumption is that they are lazy and have no control, rarely do people think about why a person might have gotten that way or that in some ways this makes their life is easier.

When I see little girls with long blond hair, dressed like little barbies, I cringe, to me they are potential victims. If friends of mine do that, I tell them, but they don't always hear me. I firmly believe that women should be armed and dangerous, at least have self defense skills. I think title 9 will eventually help women, I just love seeing young girl soccer players rough housing around. They will give potential abusers pause when they grow up.

Things I have done to try and help others in a general way, I have volunteer on medical vans that worked with street kids who are often victims of abuse, not sure I have met one who isn't come to think of it. I am one of the founders and a board member of a non profit that counsels and trains women about money and financial control. We found that many of the women in shelters who kept going back to their abusers had very little understanding and/or experience with finances, some didn't even know how to write a check. Often these women were from generations of abuse. We teach coping skills such as how to set aside and hide money until you are able to leave the situation, as well financial planning and budgeting (and check writing!). Currently we work with shelters, eventually we hope to work with girls in high school especially young mothers. We realize that men are also abused, we are just starting here.

 

[nostress]

FROM a very early age I learn to respect ALL ladies regardless and I will never change that.

I'd be interested to hear from those that are being criticle of my views of being ashamed of my sex becase of these less than common animals who feel they have the right to MENTALLY & PHYSICALLY ABUSE anyone but believe like in real life these people are COWARDS anyway.

How any male could read the posts here and NOT feel guilty has me stumped.

Don't get me wrong....I'm no angel and have kinks of my own but only with the consent of the lady I'm with andas long as both consent (without pressure) there are no taboos in my mind.

I will start off by saying this would have to be one of the best threads I have read here on lit and I thank Gil for starting it.
but I also have to point out I am a male and I can read these posts with sorrow, sympathy, understanding, but I feel no guilt
you cant feel guilty for the action of another just because they are of the same gender we are all inderviduals we make our own choices. my Ex is an alcoholic I put up with this for many years there was no physical abuse but when it gets to the stage you are scared to come home from work as you have no idea just what will be waiting for you it can make life very hard.
I dont think all woman or all drinkers should feel guilty about that, anymore then I think all men should feel guilty about the actions of other men.
I only started to read this thread tonight and have only got as far as page 7 but will read the rest as soon as I can
It would be very hard not to read a thread with such passion and resolve to offer suport to friends in need.
To kiki and the others who have opened up about how there life has been I congratulate you on your courage and your reslolve and truly believe you have made steps towards a better life
my heart and thoughts go out to all of you

 

[Gil_T2]

I will start off by saying this would have to be one of the best threads I have read here on lit and I thank Gil for starting it.
but I also have to point out I am a male and I can read these posts with sorrow, sympathy, understanding, but I feel no guilt
you cant feel guilty for the action of another just because they are of the same gender we are all inderviduals we make our own choices. my Ex is an alcoholic I put up with this for many years there was no physical abuse but when it gets to the stage you are scared to come home from work as you have no idea just what will be waiting for you it can make life very hard.
I dont think all woman or all drinkers should feel guilty about that, anymore then I think all men should feel guilty about the actions of other men.
I only started to read this thread tonight and have only got as far as page 7 but will read the rest as soon as I can
It would be very hard not to read a thread with such passion and resolve to offer suport to friends in need.
To kiki and the others who have opened up about how there life has been I congratulate you on your courage and your reslolve and truly believe you have made steps towards a better life
my heart and thoughts go out to all of you

THANKS NOS......
Yes the ladies & guys who have opened up their individual posts here have ALL had to fight their own personal DEMONS & have entered their own level of recovery.The SAD part is many,many more didn't post,ALAS the assistance in the US differs greatly from ours & even that varies from state to state, WHAT we need world wide is for a uniform system of warning, caring,helping etc.I have recently spoken with my local member of
parliament who wants to see me after the elections to see if we can get the ball rolling in NSW.

 

[Gil_T2]

I wrote my previous post on this thread several weeks ago and didn't post it, I needed the distance, I guess. Maybe I am a little different than most, I always knew the abuse was wrong, I always fought it. I never felt worthless, I felt trapped. Physical abuse was easier to deal with because you have physical evidence. Emotional abuse is harder because it can be very subtle, you can tell yourself they didn't mean it that way, you are over sensitive and so on. One of the things that helped me was listening to an interview with Jeremy Irons where they asked about the success of his long term marriage and he said "I am married to a very difficult woman" and I thought I want to be difficult, I am tired of walking on egg shells, even being responsible, I should be in relationships where that is possible, not ones where I am always good, reasonable & responsible.

I think I am recovered, I am just extremely careful ; ) I always evaluate men's physical & physiological vulnerabilities, in musicians it is usually their hands, their fingers, same with magicians, I check out their center of gravity too. I don't think about this consciously I just do it.

A majority women killed in the US, are murdered by their boyfriends or husbands, unfortunately that is reality. People do all sorts of things to cope in the long run. I notice that on the BDSM boards many of the people talk about having been abused, I suspect this is a method of forcing themselves to overcome it. I do not like to be tied up or contained in anyway, sometimes even being beneath a guy who is larger than I am takes a tremendous amount of mind control not to go into defensive "I am trapped, I need to get away" thinking. I know it is not reality, I know I am safe but occasionally something will set it off, it even happen in cyber once. My lovers know this and are very good about it. I have had more men in my life that would never abuse me than those who would, in a way that has always kept me aware that abuse is wrong and and not normal. That is one way to help to be an example for someone that relationships can have problems and not be abusive. One thing intentional abusers do is limit the abused outside contacts by not giving messages, alienating family, discouraging friends, sometimes even home schooling kids so that there is no independent contact with the outside world. If you think someone is being abused, stay in their life somehow, it lets the abuser know that someone is noticing and the abused that they are not alone.

Some women get heavier, wear baggy clothes in an attempt to not attract abusers, I do this, although for me I think it is in response to being stalked a few times. Being heavier gives you more body mass to fight back with as well. This society is very cruel to overweight people, the assumption is that they are lazy and have no control, rarely do people think about why a person might have gotten that way or that in some ways this makes their life is easier.

When I see little girls with long blond hair, dressed like little barbies, I cringe, to me they are potential victims. If friends of mine do that, I tell them, but they don't always hear me. I firmly believe that women should be armed and dangerous, at least have self defense skills. I think title 9 will eventually help women, I just love seeing young girl soccer players rough housing around. They will give potential abusers pause when they grow up.

Things I have done to try and help others in a general way, I have volunteer on medical vans that worked with street kids who are often victims of abuse, not sure I have met one who isn't come to think of it. I am one of the founders and a board member of a non profit that counsels and trains women about money and financial control. We found that many of the women in shelters who kept going back to their abusers had very little understanding and/or experience with finances, some didn't even know how to write a check. Often these women were from generations of abuse. We teach coping skills such as how to set aside and hide money until you are able to leave the situation, as well financial planning and budgeting (and check writing!). Currently we work with shelters, eventually we hope to work with girls in high school especially young mothers. We realize that men are also abused, we are just starting here.

You say you are RECOVERED but in your posts you say that you always have your escape route,size the guys up,check body language which indicate to me you are still recovering & still have issues to overcome.....THIS IS NOT putting you down in any way as I know that I have destroyed several relationships just from the fear of being hurt again.

As for weight gain as a way to keep admirers at a distance & wearing loose cloths they haveneverbeen adeterant to me as I tend to like the lady &have proven this by the wide variety of ladies I've been with.

 

[Noor]

You say you are RECOVERED but in your posts you say that you always have your escape route,size the guys up,check body language which indicate to me you are still recovering & still have issues to overcome.....THIS IS NOT putting you down in any way as I know that I have destroyed several relationships just from the fear of being hurt again.

As for weight gain as a way to keep admirers at a distance & wearing loose cloths they haveneverbeen adeterant to me as I tend to like the lady &have proven this by the wide variety of ladies I've been with.

I wasn't serious about being recovered, I doubt I will ever be totally ok, I accept that. I don't think its possible, like soldiers who have fought in a ground war, you can never go back to innocence.

As far as relationships, yes there is fear. I am slow to get into relationships and I watch guys for a while first. I tend to argue with and push them to see how they will react before getting serious. I listen to their words and how they interact with the other people in their lives to see if they are into control games. If something happens that lets me know they are abusive, that is it, I am out of there. One guy "joking" threatened my pet and that was it, I figured if he thought it was okay to threaten a 3 pound defenseless animal he wasn't going to be in my life even as a friend. I haven't destroyed any relationships from from of being hurt again, but I am sure I miss opportunities for some. Still I would rather be safe.

weight gain doesn't stop true admirers, but it does seem to deter the ones who thought I was so small and cute they could literally just pick me up. For a long time I kept my hair short too. I try not to look like a victim.

For me abusers fall into two groups: those who just want power and absolute control over you and those that don't have the maturity and/or skill to deal with lifes problems. It has been my experience that only the latter can be successful counseled.

By the way, what I do is not unique. If you entered a room full of people who had been abused, those who have successfully gotten away will do something of the sort, what is unique is that I am talking about it and to an outsider.

 

[Don K Dyck]

I wasn't serious about being recovered, I doubt I will ever be totally ok, I accept that. I don't think its possible, like soldiers who have fought in a ground war, you can never go back to innocence.

As far as relationships, yes there is fear. I am slow to get into relationships and I watch guys for a while first. I tend to argue with and push them to see how they will react before getting serious. I listen to their words and how they interact with the other people in their lives to see if they are into control games. If something happens that lets me know they are abusive, that is it, I am out of there. One guy "joking" threatened my pet and that was it, I figured if he thought it was okay to threaten a 3 pound defenseless animal he wasn't going to be in my life even as a friend. I haven't destroyed any relationships from from of being hurt again, but I am sure I miss opportunities for some. Still I would rather be safe.

weight gain doesn't stop true admirers, but it does seem to deter the ones who thought I was so small and cute they could literally just pick me up. For a long time I kept my hair short too. I try not to look like a victim.

For me abusers fall into two groups: those who just want power and absolute control over you and those that don't have the maturity and/or skill to deal with lifes problems. It has been my experience that only the latter can be successful counseled.

By the way, what I do is not unique. If you entered a room full of people who had been abused, those who have successfully gotten away will do something of the sort, what is unique is that I am talking about it and to an outsider.

Hi Noor . . . thanks for having the courage to share your experiences with us.

When you say that you are "recovered" your words make me wonder a little . . . "secure" in as much as you have developed several strategies to prevent a repeat episode . . . "wary" in as much as you test people out before trying a more involved relationship . . . "safe" well, understandably . . .

But in my experience "recovered" means more than all this . . . it means "knowing" that you are all right . . . that no matter what life throws at you in ANY circumstance that you can deal with it successfully . . . possibly it is the religious "faith" thing . . . but it is a wonderful "feeling" . . .

In my case it took a week long silent retreat at the Bethel Community Centre, Coolangatta, Oz to build the foundations . . . there will be other centres following the same programme elsewhere in the world . . . but that week of facing my personal history and coming to terms with it was extraordinary . . . and wonderfully healing . . . and the healing continues long after departing the premises.

You are part way down the track to healing . . . keep looking for the "healed, healing and free spirited" consequences, they are magic!!

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Noor . . . thanks for having the courage to share your experiences with us.

When you say that you are "recovered" your words make me wonder a little . . . "secure" in as much as you have developed several strategies to prevent a repeat episode . . . "wary" in as much as you test people out before trying a more involved relationship . . . "safe" well, understandably . . .

But in my experience "recovered" means more than all this . . . it means "knowing" that you are all right . . . that no matter what life throws at you in ANY circumstance that you can deal with it successfully . . . possibly it is the religious "faith" thing . . . but it is a wonderful "feeling" . . .

In my case it took a week long silent retreat at the Bethel Community Centre, Coolangatta, Oz to build the foundations . . . there will be other centres following the same programme elsewhere in the world . . . but that week of facing my personal history and coming to terms with it was extraordinary . . . and wonderfully healing . . . and the healing continues long after departing the premises.

You are part way down the track to healing . . . keep looking for the "healed, healing and free spirited" consequences, they are magic!!

Thanks for your comments DON as you seem to find it easier than I do to put what you know into words on any subject that pops up.

I have been thinking about NOOR's testing pplby pushing them to see how they react...I see this back firing on her because others have had their own hassles in past relationships & by doing this it might destroy any chance she & the interested party might have had.I know that if a lady did it to me I'd walk away without a second chance regardless of what she had as her reason.

I'd much prefer OPEN, HONEST & Caring discussion.

 

[Noor]

I don't create a problem but when one occurs I hold my ground and watch what happens. It could back fire but so far I have been lucky I guess.

 

[ElvenAngel]

Thank you Gil and everyone else who has spoken out.
I have just read the entire thread from beging to end and i can't begin to say how moveved i have been by everyone's courage.
I would liike to thank evveryone who has been so much braver than me for giving me the courage to try this

I am going to try something I have never managed sober before, and if I fail you'll never know so it doesn't matter.

I was abused but reading all this i think i may have got off lucky.

It only hapened once

I was raped... Oh goddess you have no good it feels to just say it outloud . I was 17 and 3 men grabbed me as i was walking home
They flicked a coin ( welltwo) to see who got to use me first... when they left me I wawws bleeding in a in the alley. Even then I knew I couldn't go home as I couldn't let my parents know so i left them a msg that i was staying with a friend and booked into a hotel to sort myself out. The clerk thought i was drunk and nearly wouldn't let me have a roomit didn't help that i was bleeding and one eye was swelling closed

My mind couldn't cope and i shut it out for 6 months i didn't remember, i just presumed i had gotten to drunk to get home and put the injuries down to alcohol.

6 months later i self destructed I started getting flash backs and nightmares but i didn't understand what was happening till i got drunk with some friends and it all came back I think i just burst into tears. I couldn't even speak... My mates stil;l don't know why. i hope they think i was just drunk
it took me another 3 months befor i could even tell my best friend and to do that i had to get to tha stage of drunkeness that the mouth is not conected to the brain. I know alcohol is not the answer but i can talk about this sober.

My Family still doesn't know I couldn't bare that. I couldn't bare for them to know that i wasn't safe when i should have been...

Thanks for listening
xxx

 

[Ladybird]

Thank you Gil and everyone else who has spoken out.
I have just read the entire thread from beging to end and i can't begin to say how moveved i have been by everyone's courage.
I would liike to thank evveryone who has been so much braver than me for giving me the courage to try this

Sweetheart, you've been to hell, and need a hand to find heaven again. You can't do it on your own.

You may have read my post in the first few pages of this thread, detailing how I was mentally abused by my husband for many years. All of the abuse stemmed from the fact that he needed control. He was/is a control/power freak. He made my life hell and affected the lives of our children as well.

But get this hon. It was only AFTER we'd separated that he told me, and I was the first person he'd ever told, that for 12 months when he was 14, he was raped after school by two of his male teachers.

The first time they came to him in the showers after sport, and raped him anally. Then left him there on the floor of the shower, bleeding.

Every day after school that happened. The only variance was that sometimes they'd make him perform oral sex. He said he preferred that because it didn't hurt as much.

He was convinced by them that his parents would never believe him if he were to speak out, as it would be his word against teachers. And in the 60's teachers were very well thought of in small english country towns.

He suffered this, and kept it to himself, promising himself that he'd never again let anyone control him as those two men had.

Can you see what happened? He became a control freak, and turned me into a victim of control as he had been. If he'd spoken out, if his parents or teachers had noticed something different about him back then, how different things would be now.

So what I'm getting at sweetheart, is don't think you can deal with this yourself. You can't. My ex couldn't. Other people will be affected by this assault in some way. Most likely they will be people that you love. Find someone to talk too.. and then talk you head off as much as you can. Get the horror of it all out of your system.

And remember, it's not just for you, but for everyone that will be special to you for the rest of your life.

I want to do so much to help you, but distance won't let me. So instead, I'm going to include you in my prayers, and send warm and loving hugs to you..

 

[ElvenAngel]

Thank you

Ladybird,
Thank you for caring
i know i can't cope alone that's why i came here
i just can't talk to people face to face
i can if i am drunk but i can't rely on cant coz it is just i don't want to start to need it.

a few of my friends know and they help if they are able and i love them loads for being there but they don't understand.
that sound's really selfish- i know i am not the only one who has been through it and i know my friends want to help but sometimes i just can't face their well intentioned pity

Thanks for the prayers, i hope you don't mind if i pray for your husband despite what he did to you. i hope he can find his peace.

elven xxx

 

[Ladybird]

Re: Thank you

Ladybird,
Thanks for the prayers, i hope you don't mind if i pray for your husband despite what he did to you. i hope he can find his peace.

elven xxx

Of course I don't mind. Your prayers would join mine, I pray for him too.

And I'll pray that you are helped and don't let things go and let your life be as affected as my husband did.

 

[Annvalery]

Re: Thank you

[
a few of my friends know and they help if they are able and i love them loads for being there but they don't understand.
that sound's really selfish- i know i am not the only one who has been through it and i know my friends want to help but sometimes i just can't face their well intentioned pity

Angel,

I am very moved by what you had to say. I think that you feel a little guilty or ashamed for what happened, but you are not, you may know this rationally, but sometimes you just feel different. I was raped by a boyfriend ... he was the first man I ever had sex with, and after making love one day, he tried to perform anal sex on me, but I was too young, and completely unexperienced, so I freaked out, but he got violent and did it anyway. I never told anyone, he was my teacher and I was very scared it would have a consequence in my career... but now I realise it wasn't that important, even if I had been expelled or anything, we can't cope with this things alone, we need professional help. I received therapy and I think I recovered from that, but then again, here I am in a destructive relationship, may be a consequence still.

So my advice is, get some professional help, heal yourself and get ready to enjoy your life, you are a precious human being that deserves to be happy. I hope I helped...

 

[Gil_T2]

ElvenAngel

THANKYOU LADYBIRD for your reply in my absence.

ElvenAngel
First of all YOU must realise you did nothing wrong & nothing to be ashamed of YOU are a VICTIM.I hopeby putting your story up has also helped your battle with the DEMONS that haunt you.You mention that you pray do you have a help line available where you can remain unknown to relate your experience ? We have several here in Australia where the can give you a kind ear and links to help & advice.
I will PM you with my email addy so you can contact me direct if you wish as getting it out in the open does help set the healing in motion.

PLEASE feel free to lean on me if I can help in any way.



SOFT GENTLE CARING HUGS JUST FOR YOU....

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Thank you

Ladybird,
Thank you for caring
i know i can't cope alone that's why i came here
i just can't talk to people face to face
i can if i am drunk but i can't rely on cant coz it is just i don't want to start to need it.

a few of my friends know and they help if they are able and i love them loads for being there but they don't understand.
that sound's really selfish- i know i am not the only one who has been through it and i know my friends want to help but sometimes i just can't face their well intentioned pity

Thanks for the prayers, i hope you don't mind if i pray for your husband despite what he did to you. i hope he can find his peace.

elven xxx

No, they can't understand. No one can understand a person's own personal hell. No one else has been through exactly what you have. Yes others have been raped, beaten down and beaten. But for each one of us it's different. Who we are and how we deal makes it that way. But just because they don't understand doesn't mean that they don't care. They do. They may not know how to deal with it in a way that would help you most but they can be there and give you an anchor to hold on to. Without an anchor, we would all of us be swept away and drown in the horrors of our own hell. No they don't have to understand it all. Only that you need them and they are there for you.
I know how you feel about not wanting your family to know. I was married and abused for almost 16 years before I escaped. I never said anything to my family because he threatened them with harm. I've been free just over 4 years now and I just started to try to tell my brother. But only after making him swear not to tell anyone else. And I've only told him little things. I'm not sure I'll ever get the courage to tell the rest to him. But at least I could tell that much.
Before this I would have never told anything. This place has given me the courage to stand up and say "I was abused. I've been hurt and crushed. But I survived and I will keep on surviving." I thank God everyday for the people on here. They've shown me that others do care and are there to anchor me in the river. I will not drown in this hell. And God willing, one day I will be an anchor for another.

To all of my anchors, Gil, LB, Don, SS, Red, NG,DoS, all of you. Thank you for being there for me and all the others who have come here. God bless everyone of you.