How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

THANKS UCE for your thoughts and for posting here. I agree that there willbe upheavels in the recovery of an abuse sufferer.

Unfortunately I have dealt with a fewin R/L as well as on the net and I say unfortunately becuse they had to go through what they have suffered.

I just wish there were more I could do to show that there are nice people in this world who respect their lovers,patners and people in general.

MY WISH ISTHAT EVERY PERSON WILL TREAT EVERYONG LIKE THEY WANT TO BE TREATED THEM SELVES and not to misstreat the onesthey are meant to love.

 

[sluttygirl4u22]

I'm not sure if this has been said before or not and I appologise if it has, but respect is a big one for me. I was sexually abused by my first real b/f and even though that was years ago I still need to be respected in that I can't be pushed into sex. I need to decide when it will happen, the first time with a new person. If he respects me and doesn't bug me about sex, doesn't try to trick me into it, that is when I give it to him. Otherwise its see ya later.
on a side note I'm no longer a virgin (on Lit)

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm not sure if this has been said before or not and I appologise if it has, but respect is a big one for me. I was sexually abused by my first real b/f and even though that was years ago I still need to be respected in that I can't be pushed into sex. I need to decide when it will happen, the first time with a new person. If he respects me and doesn't bug me about sex, doesn't try to trick me into it, that is when I give it to him. Otherwise its see ya later.
on a side note I'm no longer a virgin (on Lit)

RESPECT is the key to all relationships we have in life be it sexual,
lover or a committed relationship but above all RESPECT for yourself.

Thankyou for dropping by to this thread and feel free to drop in and contribute anytime.

 

[BrownEyes26]

*BUMP DE BUMP*

 

[Gil_T2]

*BUMP DE BUMP*

WHAT browneyes said

 

[Guest]

I was abused from an early age ... and it affected everything else like a ripple in a pool. My relationships ... especially. I can tell you this , respect and support go a long way . Don't be pushy . Don't judge . If someone is truly in love with the other , it's going to be for the long haul , through the BAD times , and they can be very bad, as well as the very good and not so good. An abused person can be guarded , but when they give you their heart , it's truly because they have come to trust you . With regards to making love , sex ... I have come to want to fully explore everything ...and in time with loving support and kindness and respect , the person you are with may as well. It just takes time , trust , and lots of love.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thankyou for your open thoughts on this very tough subject and you like ALL the special people who have come out the other side of abuse to try to regain some NORMALITY to their lives.I know it's not an easy journey to return to the real world of being able to love and trust again.

It really saddens me to realise how many have been put through the horrors of abuse by people who were meant to LOVE you, there have been lots of people who have posted on this thread but think it true that there are so many more who have looked this thread over but haven't been able to post because of the mental torture they still suffer be they in an abusive relationship or have escaped one, it all such a long slow haul just to be able to trust anyone to even understand the pain they have been through and continue to suffer through.


LOVE,RESPECT,TRUST,HONESTY

 

[babydoll_73]

OK I found this thread and it seems close to what I went through growing up. I was not abused by a spouse or boyfriend or even my parents. I was abused by my brother. We are 5 years apart and we got along when we were younger. I don't really remember anything before the age of 6, but I remember we still got along. When I was 7 we moved from the city of Chicago to a suburb of Chicago. I remember the first time he hit me was when I was almost 8. He got mad at me for losing his baseball and threw a rock at my head. From then on whenever he got mad he would hit me and scare me into not telling our parents. I never told because I was young and believed that he would hurt me worse if I told. I told one once when I was 12 and he got grounded and his car was taken away. He waited till my parents were out and killed my turtle. I told from then on but they didn't really do much but yell at him. I don't bruise easy so I couldn't show them how much he hurt me. But then he turned 18. One day I was cooking dinner and he tried to eat some of it. I told him he couldn't because we were all going to sit down and eat together. Well he didn't like that so he picked up a frying pan. It was one of those non stick ones thank God. And he smacked me in the head with it. If it had been cast iron I would have died. Everything went shaky but I stayed up and I ran to the cordless phone and dialed 911. He unplugged the phone to diconnect the call and plugged it back in. When the cops called back he told them I was joking but they made him put me on the phone. I told them the story and they sent a few cars. My brothe being a big shot thought that he would get off the hook cuz he was a security guard but they arrested him. I didn't press charges. My dad got mad at me for calling the cops and him and my mom fought about it. She was on my side. The only way that he could continue living in the house is if he took anger management classes. He started but dropped out. He has moved out of the house now but he is still violent like that. We just got into an arguement recently where he shoved me into the railing for the stairs and smacked my finger really hard into my ear while I was itching my ear. I have long nails so it started bleeding and I had to go to the hospital. I grabbed his arm at one point and pulled my nails through his skin. He had to go and get 6 stitches. I don't even feel bad. My dad has taken his key away. I have lived with this abuse and I notice that I tend to put up with people always putting me down. I have never had a boyfriend abuse me. But I have only had one serious boyfriend and all the others were just short little distractions in my life. I don't know if this really belongs here but it was the closest I could find. The weird thing was that my brother hit me a few times in front of people. One time was a "friend" she laughed while I ran to get tissue for my bloody nose. The other was a complete stranger who chuckled and walked away. I know that if I saw someone getting hit I would call the cops or something. Nobody deserves to be beat. I don't know where these people get it into their heads that they are so superiour that they can beat someone. Oh well that is my piece for now I will be back later to check it out.

es babydoll

 

[kikmosa]

OK I found this thread and it seems close to what I went through growing up..................Oh well that is my piece for now I will be back later to check it out.

es babydoll

Yes, Babydoll, that is abuse and does belong here. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Your brother needs serious help. It's not anything you have done or can do for or to him. He has to do it himself or he never will really change. You need to protect you. If you ever need to talk just im me and I'll send you my e-mail addy. Anytime.

 

[Don K Dyck]

It is Bullying and Abuse

OK I found this thread and it seems close to what I went through growing up. I was not abused by a spouse or boyfriend or even my parents. I was abused by my brother. We are 5 years apart and we got along when we were younger. I don't really remember anything before the age of 6, but I remember we still got along. When I was 7 we moved from the city of Chicago to a suburb of Chicago. I remember the first time he hit me was when I was almost 8. He got mad at me for losing his baseball and threw a rock at my head. From then on whenever he got mad he would hit me and scare me into not telling our parents. I never told because I was young and believed that he would hurt me worse if I told. I told one once when I was 12 and he got grounded and his car was taken away. He waited till my parents were out and killed my turtle. I told from then on but they didn't really do much but yell at him. I don't bruise easy so I couldn't show them how much he hurt me. But then he turned 18. One day I was cooking dinner and he tried to eat some of it. I told him he couldn't because we were all going to sit down and eat together. Well he didn't like that so he picked up a frying pan. It was one of those non stick ones thank God. And he smacked me in the head with it. If it had been cast iron I would have died. Everything went shaky but I stayed up and I ran to the cordless phone and dialed 911. He unplugged the phone to diconnect the call and plugged it back in. When the cops called back he told them I was joking but they made him put me on the phone. I told them the story and they sent a few cars. My brothe being a big shot thought that he would get off the hook cuz he was a security guard but they arrested him. I didn't press charges. My dad got mad at me for calling the cops and him and my mom fought about it. She was on my side. The only way that he could continue living in the house is if he took anger management classes. He started but dropped out. He has moved out of the house now but he is still violent like that. We just got into an arguement recently where he shoved me into the railing for the stairs and smacked my finger really hard into my ear while I was itching my ear. I have long nails so it started bleeding and I had to go to the hospital. I grabbed his arm at one point and pulled my nails through his skin. He had to go and get 6 stitches. I don't even feel bad. My dad has taken his key away. I have lived with this abuse and I notice that I tend to put up with people always putting me down. I have never had a boyfriend abuse me. But I have only had one serious boyfriend and all the others were just short little distractions in my life. I don't know if this really belongs here but it was the closest I could find. The weird thing was that my brother hit me a few times in front of people. One time was a "friend" she laughed while I ran to get tissue for my bloody nose. The other was a complete stranger who chuckled and walked away. I know that if I saw someone getting hit I would call the cops or something. Nobody deserves to be beat. I don't know where these people get it into their heads that they are so superiour that they can beat someone. Oh well that is my piece for now I will be back later to check it out.

es babydoll

Hi Babydoll . . . well, you said it. . . those were ALL abuse situations. As he is now an adult with a track record of successfully getting away with abusing you, he will come back and continue to do it everytime he gets frustrated with life.

POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS

1. Learn self defence like Tae Kwon Doe (TKD) or attend a Women's Self Defence Class so that you can defend yourself when necessary. These classes are good fun and in my opinion should be compulsory for all women.

2. Report each and every new attack to the police AND press charges. In Oz you could seek what is called an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) against him which keeps him at a safe physical distance on pain of further legal action for breaking (contempt of) the court order. In Oz, the State police are particularly sensitive to any written complaints of favouritism to "influencial people".

3. Bullies are scared and fearful people, but you don't have to unravel his problems, he has to sort himself out.

4. Does your brother's security licence require periodic renewal?? If so then challenge the re-issue on the grounds of uncontrollable anger problems making him psychologically unfit for security work.

5. In a playground situation between two boys, the best defence would be responding to an attack by creating more pain for the attacker. Saw my youngest attacked by a bullying kid. The so-called "bully" got a hell of a shock when his attack brought a reflex short arm jolt to the breast-bone, winding him, followed immediately by a knee hard up in the groin rattling the family jewels. My young fella had just returned from the National Tae Kwon Doe titles . . . the "bully" waddled back across the yard to his mates bent over double, in agony . . . and there was no further problem from any kid in the school from that day.

You don't have to tolerate any abuse from anybody.

 

[babydoll_73]

Thank you for the kind words. He is not a security guard anymore. He drives a school bus. Much better huh? Well, I told my dad that the next time I was going to call the cops on him and he said fine. Maybe if he spends a night in jail or loses his job he will think twice before hitting me.

KIKI I have missed you. Sorry your trip isn't going so well. I hope the next year is better for you. I you.

babydoll

 

[Bandit58]

Bullying

In a playground situation between two boys, the best defence would be responding to an attack by creating more pain for the attacker. Saw my youngest attacked by a bullying kid. The so-called "bully" got a hell of a shock when his attack brought a reflex short arm jolt to the breast-bone, winding him, followed immediately by a knee hard up in the groin rattling the family jewels. My young fella had just returned from the National Tae Kwon Doe titles . . . the "bully" waddled back across the yard to his mates bent over double, in agony . . . and there was no further problem from any kid in the school from that day.

Not just boys......girls are just as bad sometimes I was bullied at high school (aged 13) by two slightly older girls. They would sit behind me on the bus, punch me in the back and pull my hair and make catty remarks. I was a shy quiet kid, tall and thin which made me an easy target - until one day I just had enough and turned round in my seat and punched one girl in the side of the face. The fact that I actually DID it and hard enough to hurt as well, the look on her face was priceless and I must have had a look of murder in my eyes because they both left me alone after that

My son was picked on a couple of times.....tall and gawky and wearing glasses kids thought he would be an easy target...........WRONG! One boy grabbed him from behind once....and got a sharp elbow in the gut for his trouble and ended up gasping on the ground like a stranded fish. My daughter is also prepared to stick up for herself....having had trouble with a group of girls last year at school I told her to make sure she didn't throw the first punch and that there were witnesses to back her up It didn't come to that luckily but I've found that ignoring it doesn't work (which is what I was always told to do by well-meaning teachers and parents..... ) I taught my kids to stand up for themselves and not to suffer years of being picked on like I did

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank you for the kind words. He is not a security guard anymore. He drives a school bus. Much better huh? Well, I told my dad that the next time I was going to call the cops on him and he said fine. Maybe if he spends a night in jail or loses his job he will think twice before hitting me.

Welcome babydoll_73 and I'm so sorry that we had to meet here on a site I set up to help a very dear friend.
In my R/L I've met a lady who was married to a security guard who used his batton on her both to hit and sexually abuse her vaginally & anally,he used his cuffs so she was at his mercy,He even used the gun hewas issued with by the security co to rape her as well.
I have also heard of many others abused by security guards I wonder if this type of person isdrawn to this type of job ?????


I am not dumping on security guards as I know several GOOD GUYS who work in the job so don't go misreading my post.

KIKI I have missed you. Sorry your trip isn't going so well. I hope the next year is better for you. I you.

babydoll

DON....AVO's only work if the person decides to keep the order.There have been many cases where people have been killed,shot,disfigured etc even though they had an AVO and had called the police each and every time it got breached.
On the other hand I have seen it used to victimise the former partner because he was a male the AVOwas grantedand she called often to say he was terrorsing her, I know this is totally falseas hewas at a party with 30 police in attendance as well as non police some 80k from the ex's place and itwas the fact there was so many police who were at the party to savehis butt.

 

[babydoll_73]

Well I don't let people outside my family hit me. It is strange. I will fight anyone else to the death even if they are bigger and stronger but when it comes to my brother I just can't fight back as much.

Plus I have noticed that while I don't let other people physically abuse me I do let them mentally abuse me. I am fresh out of a 12 year friendship in which him, his sister (I was friends with her too) and her mother would constantly put me down and such. Always calling me stupid. I have broke that off but they are still trying to be a part of my life. Oh well life can't always work out.

 

[Don K Dyck]

DON'T ACCEPT ANY ABUSE!!

Well I don't let people outside my family hit me. It is strange. I will fight anyone else to the death even if they are bigger and stronger but when it comes to my brother I just can't fight back as much.

Plus I have noticed that while I don't let other people physically abuse me I do let them mentally abuse me. I am fresh out of a 12 year friendship in which him, his sister (I was friends with her too) and her mother would constantly put me down and such. Always calling me stupid. I have broke that off but they are still trying to be a part of my life. Oh well life can't always work out.

Hi Babydoll . . . do yourself one BIG favour and IMMEDIATELY tell former bf AND his bitchy family to "bugger off" and "stay out of my life FOREVER!!" You need their negative input about as much as you need an extra hole in your head!! Mental abuse can be harder to both identify and handle . . . the best alternative is to stay away from it wherever possible . . . now he is out of your life, it is very possible.

 

[Gil_T2]

How did I let this drop so far back ??????


B
U
M
P

 

[Gil_T2]

How did I let this drop so far back ??????


B
U
M
P

B
U
M
P

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad that this thread has vanished so I'll just give it one more bump because I'm sure there are more that need it it exist and I'd like to think that there are enough NICE people in this world to help turn things around and help those that come here.






To THOSE WHO HAVE SUFFERED ABUSE HANG IN THERE AND BE STRONG putting up with it isn't as hard as surviving it. BUT LIFE WILL REWARD YOU FOR YOUR SUFFERING and NEVER be afraid to ask for help........post here or PM me, I'm no expert just someone who cares.

 

[babydoll_73]

I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad that this thread has vanished so I'll just give it one more bump because I'm sure there are more that need it it exist and I'd like to think that there are enough NICE people in this world to help turn things around and help those that come here.






To THOSE WHO HAVE SUFFERED ABUSE HANG IN THERE AND BE STRONG putting up with it isn't as hard as surviving it. BUT LIFE WILL REWARD YOU FOR YOUR SUFFERING and NEVER be afraid to ask for help........post here or PM me, I'm no expert just someone who cares.

Gil I appreciate this thread alot. It has helped me get it out and find others who have been through similar things as I have. Thank you Gil

 

[SexySparkles]

Take it from someone who HAS been abused a lot. Physically, emotionaly, and sexually. There is close to NOTHING you can do. The only thing that heald wounds like this is time. That is what I'm learning. Going to thearapy didn't help me at all. I know it does wonders for some people, but it's NOT for me.

I've been taken advantage of so much that I am actually scared of men now. Like if a guy is reacing for something by me, I have this natural reaction to duck down and cover my head so they don't hurt me. I'm getting a lot better. But it just takes lots and lots of time.

With me, the physical and emotional abuse lead to the sexual abuse. All through my childhood, I was abused by my father. Never sexually though. The closest he came to sexually abusing me was he burned my breasts. What would drive someone to do something of that nature, I don't know. But anyway, I was never accepted by him when I was young. So I started having sex young. VERY YOUNG. Just because I needed that acceptance from a male no matter what it took. Then being sexually active so young lead to me being raped soon after that. One night I actually said no, and he didn't like that. So he raped me.

So it all kinda ties together, and there's usually not much you can do to help. Let them know that you're there if they ever want to talk I guess.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Take it from someone who HAS been abused a lot. Physically, emotionaly, and sexually. There is close to NOTHING you can do. The only thing that heald wounds like this is time. That is what I'm learning. Going to thearapy didn't help me at all. I know it does wonders for some people, but it's NOT for me.

I've been taken advantage of so much that I am actually scared of men now. Like if a guy is reacing for something by me, I have this natural reaction to duck down and cover my head so they don't hurt me. I'm getting a lot better. But it just takes lots and lots of time.

With me, the physical and emotional abuse lead to the sexual abuse. All through my childhood, I was abused by my father. Never sexually though. The closest he came to sexually abusing me was he burned my breasts. What would drive someone to do something of that nature, I don't know. But anyway, I was never accepted by him when I was young. So I started having sex young. VERY YOUNG. Just because I needed that acceptance from a male no matter what it took. Then being sexually active so young lead to me being raped soon after that. One night I actually said no, and he didn't like that. So he raped me.

So it all kinda ties together, and there's usually not much you can do to help. Let them know that you're there if they ever want to talk I guess.

Hi Sparkles, congratulations for surviving . . . I guess Western society has undervalued, or simply not valued, the important role that a father figure has in the life of children of both sexes . . . for guys the father figure provides a role model almost by osmosis . . . for girls the father figure is the first person that the girl tries her "feminine wiles" upon . . . the appropriate response is deflection NOT gratification . . .

There are many ladies on this thread who have had experience in the same matters that you describe . . . far too many . . .

Talking about the hurt seems to help us overcome it and move on to the world that WE WANT TO live in . . .

 

[Noor]

My experience when you are leaving abuse you really need a babysitter of sorts to be there when times are hard so you don't choose the evil you know over the perceive evil of homelessness, helpless, and fear of the unknown.

Do you ever feel the same way again? Like you did before the abuse. I don't think so; you never completely surrender no matter how hard you try or how much you want to. I am 43 and I haven't experienced any physical abuse 20+ years but I still never sit with my back to a door. In a room with someone who I don't trust completely I am always closer to the door, never cornered. This is very hard in work environment.
I plan escape routes with new people and new environments. The defensive positioning of Feng Shui is how I have live since I was young. I don't like to be touched, if someone reaches out and touches me, I touch them back so I have a chance to defend myself if needed. When you are so worried about avoiding physical abuse, emotional abuse can sneak up on you, that's been 13 years and I find it hard to trust absolutely, to let people get close to me.

I can see and hear abuse in other people like me, the way they move, position themselves, talk or even chat on line. Once you know it, you see it in others and you want to help them and protect them because no one did that for you until you were permanently damaged by it.

So how can you help any of us? By being there, by accepting that we are doing our best, by sleeping on the side of the bed near the window, sitting next to us in the aisle of the theater. Understand when our desire to trust you overwhelms us causing us back away from you. Realize while some things may seems incredibly funny to you, they may be terrorizing to us, don't laugh, we are not going to get over it by your trying to force us to see the humor of it. It is not personal, we have become conditioned by circumstances beyond our control, and we did it to survive. We are survivors if nothing else.

 

[Gil_T2]

My experience when you are leaving abuse you really need a babysitter of sorts to be there when times are hard so you don't choose the evil you know over the perceive evil of homelessness, helpless, and fear of the unknown.

Do you ever feel the same way again? Like you did before the abuse. I don't think so; you never completely surrender no matter how hard you try or how much you want to. I am 43 and I haven't experienced any physical abuse 20+ years but I still never sit with my back to a door. In a room with someone who I don't trust completely I am always closer to the door, never cornered. This is very hard in work environment.
I plan escape routes with new people and new environments. The defensive positioning of Feng Shui is how I have live since I was young. I don't like to be touched, if someone reaches out and touches me, I touch them back so I have a chance to defend myself if needed. When you are so worried about avoiding physical abuse, emotional abuse can sneak up on you, that's been 13 years and I find it hard to trust absolutely, to let people get close to me.

I can see and hear abuse in other people like me, the way they move, position themselves, talk or even chat on line. Once you know it, you see it in others and you want to help them and protect them because no one did that for you until you were permanently damaged by it.

So how can you help any of us? By being there, by accepting that we are doing our best, by sleeping on the side of the bed near the window, sitting next to us in the aisle of the theater. Understand when our desire to trust you overwhelms us causing us back away from you. Realize while some things may seems incredibly funny to you, they may be terrorizing to us, don't laugh, we are not going to get over it by your trying to force us to see the humor of it. It is not personal, we have become conditioned by circumstances beyond our control, and we did it to survive. We are survivors if nothing else.

Thankyou for your trust in my thread which I set up to help one LIT friend who was suffering deep depression even though she had escaped the abuse it was still haunting her & still does but I'm sure with help from the many friends she has here she will see that life can & will be much better but as another post said it all takes time ( to much time in my opinion and think there must be more done to help these people realise there worth in life).

I truely admire ALL those who have survived and have gone on to find happiness and acceptance of their self worth.ALL survivers
are strong by continued existance.

 

[Gil_T2]

Take it from someone who HAS been abused a lot. Physically, emotionaly, and sexually. There is close to NOTHING you can do. The only thing that heald wounds like this is time. That is what I'm learning. Going to thearapy didn't help me at all. I know it does wonders for some people, but it's NOT for me.

I've been taken advantage of so much that I am actually scared of men now. Like if a guy is reacing for something by me, I have this natural reaction to duck down and cover my head so they don't hurt me. I'm getting a lot better. But it just takes lots and lots of time.

With me, the physical and emotional abuse lead to the sexual abuse. All through my childhood, I was abused by my father. Never sexually though. The closest he came to sexually abusing me was he burned my breasts. What would drive someone to do something of that nature, I don't know. But anyway, I was never accepted by him when I was young. So I started having sex young. VERY YOUNG. Just because I needed that acceptance from a male no matter what it took. Then being sexually active so young lead to me being raped soon after that. One night I actually said no, and he didn't like that. So he raped me.

So it all kinda ties together, and there's usually not much you can do to help. Let them know that you're there if they ever want to talk I guess.

SS I have sent you a PM be strong and prove to the abusers that you are STRONGER & a true surviver and hope that ALL the abuse
know it wasn't their fault and that there are goodpeople who do care for each and everyone of you.

 

[Annvalery]

Ladybird:

I am now in a situation like the one you described... my husband abuses me psicologically, and it is destroying me. He keeps saying I am stupid, I am a bitch, pig, he just shows annoyment at me. He has been phisically abusive as well, but very seldom and not like Kiki's or the other stories. Although sometimes I would prefer a little violence just to show me he cares...he can ignore me for weeks.

We have been married for 7 years, and haven't had sex for the last 3... and I can not get out of this... I have tried but I can't. I feel sometimes that what he says is true and I am worthless. Please guys, help me out...