How do you help someone get over being abused

[sweet_marie]

Hi Marie,

You must have found leaving your family to be a great relief.

But as devil's Advocate for your uncle . . . did you actually tell him what was happening at the time?? Otherwise, he will sweep it under the carpet because it is just too hard . . .

So, have you considered telling him, even at this late stage?? . . .

It is a good idea to see the agency and your local police for advice . . . community figures are well known for their picadilloes . . .

. . . we had a "pillar of the church" with a taste for primary school kids, male and female . . . but a contribution to the chuch ensured that he was made a Papal knight . . .

Always remember that there is no excuse for physical or emotional abuse!! ever!!

Belly dancing is fabulous!! . . . when do we get the video of you performing in the fancy gear??

umm, we'll work on it. Give me a performance to look forward to

My uncle didn't know about it, but it was the fact that he was my uncle and the chief of police that even the dept of health and welfare didn't really do a whole lot to find out why we weren't in school, seen in town etc. I mean, there was a lot to it, and I shouldn't oversimplify it, but there's the political side too.

Isn't it interesting how money speaks volumes? Wow. I've studied 3 things for the last 15 years (I'm 23 now...so you can tell how much I wanted to learn).....

1. World trade
2. Religion
3. Sex (not just positions, but the whole spectrum from different cultural attitudes, to how it affects a person, to how it won't, to how it can control or make a war or whatever...very interesting study)

and in all these cases, money and the quest/search for God/purpose is huge. I'm not preaching here, its just struck me funny....
as to the papal knight....well, think about the Vatican bank and what they get away with. Ick.

Marie

 

[Gil_T2]

Which is exactly why I did it. It works on my dogs too. Glad you'd like to see me dance. Once I figure out why I have two left feet, maybe be doable! Lol
Marie

HeHeHeHe I don't know if I've got 2 left feet or that there is a severed nerve that controls the movement of my feet but i do understand what you mean.

 

[The Neon Wolf]

HeHeHeHe I don't know if I've got 2 left feet or that there is a severed nerve that controls the movement of my feet but i do understand what you mean.

Eight years of martial arts, and I can't two step to save my life....I know what you mean

 

[sweet_marie]

i have no idea how to respond to this-your mothers insane! My mother tried to rewrite history a few years ago, telling me i didn't remember how things really happened. like that would work! I actually got my files ( child protection, ward of the state, police reports etc) thru the freedom on information act ( i dont know if you have a similar thing over there) and they pretty much said she was a looney-and copies of some letters hand written my her were interesting as well. i didn't read it all-was over an inch and a half thick, but my wife did and i almost had to physically restrain her from going over to mums and having it out with her. I dont dwell much on the past and hate bringing it up so it didn;'t go down to well. anyway-once again i have answered someone elses post and turned it into being about me. sorry. I think people feel guilty as they get older and, rightly or wrongly, try to fix things that are often beyond fixing. Yours seems to be trying to mend bridges between the abuser and you and mine is inventing history. neither of us should let them get away with it-we are both trying to move on and this sort of thing brings it back to the front. To be honest i'm surprised you even talk to your mother. still-i guess i talk to mine too

I'm not talking to her. Its hurting the brothers and sisters, and I don't know how to bridge that gap, because time can heal but it can also scar. Urrg. I hate not knowing what to do.
Don't feel alone. My mother tried to have me commited to an assylum when I was 18. My crime? I was enlisting into the US Navy. Go figure.
But yeah, there are things that cannot be fixed. More's the pity.
hugs
Marie

 

[sweet_marie]

MARIE my feelings are that if you "BLOW IT OFF" they only see this as more reason they can do what they do to them it's a sign that you accept it although in fact your just in hope that it will go away.

A friend in Aussie recently had to make the stand as their abuser had become the legal gardian of a child, he took the step up & has stopped this preditor from getting his hands on another to abuse & all of us have stood firmly in support of him although he is a long way from us we do hold him as a very brave person for this massive effort he has made & this too is in a smallish community where everyone knows everyone.

Powerful story. No pressure right?

 

[Gil_T2]

umm, we'll work on it. Give me a performance to look forward to

My uncle didn't know about it, but it was the fact that he was my uncle and the chief of police that even the dept of health and welfare didn't really do a whole lot to find out why we weren't in school, seen in town etc. I mean, there was a lot to it, and I shouldn't oversimplify it, but there's the political side too.

Isn't it interesting how money speaks volumes? Wow. I've studied 3 things for the last 15 years (I'm 23 now...so you can tell how much I wanted to learn).....

1. World trade
2. Religion
3. Sex (not just positions, but the whole spectrum from different cultural attitudes, to how it affects a person, to how it won't, to how it can control or make a war or whatever...very interesting study)

and in all these cases, money and the quest/search for God/purpose is huge. I'm not preaching here, its just struck me funny....
as to the papal knight....well, think about the Vatican bank and what they get away with. Ick.

Marie

For me organised religion makes organised crime look like choir boys with the atrocities,abuse & killings all in the name of god I personally have no time at all for any of the organised religions although I do live by a christian attitude.

 

[Gil_T2]

Powerful story. No pressure right?

my only point was that these things don't go away by ignoring them & please do not think i'm trying to pressure you & sorry you took it that way.

 

[sweet_marie]

For me organised religion makes organised crime look like choir boys with the atrocities,abuse & killings all in the name of god I personally have no time at all for any of the organised religions although I do live by a christian attitude.

Well lets see.

Spanish Inquisition
Slaughter of Aztecs (at first)
9-1-1
Good christian friend of mine made of with a car and $4000 because she's really good at being needy (long story, lesson learned...)

Yeah, I'd agree with that. Be careful getting me started though. I don't think there are enough bumps to get the thread back on track. PM me sometime though for thoughts if you'd like...its one of my favorite soap boxes

Yeah for a christian attitude. I go to a church, but you don't have to.

 

[sweet_marie]

my only point was that these things don't go away by ignoring them & please do not think i'm trying to pressure you & sorry you took it that way.

no, no, i didn't. You're right about what needs to be done...totally. I just have the hardest time not dragging my feet about it. I'll just have to grow a new set of ballocks and do it. yeah. that's me after a beer. oh well, we're all characters here

Hey one other thing while you're on here.....good for you to start this thread.


hugs
Marie

 

[Don K Dyck]

I'm not talking to her. Its hurting the brothers and sisters, and I don't know how to bridge that gap, because time can heal but it can also scar. Urrg. I hate not knowing what to do.
Don't feel alone. My mother tried to have me commited to an assylum when I was 18. My crime? I was enlisting into the US Navy. Go figure.
But yeah, there are things that cannot be fixed. More's the pity.
hugs
Marie

The communication with siblings is a difficult one.

Your first responsibility is to yourself, then to them.

If you can remember their birthdays and Christmas with a card or something small that will speak volumes. However, be aware that such communication may be intercepted by mother without siblings getting to see it.

At some time in the future you will find that the siblings will come looking for you to explain to them why you "abandoned them to their fate".

Only from your evidence above, it is likely that mother is now filling their head with venomous comments and spite. They will only take so much of that, especially if you had a good relationship with them before you left.

When they come to find you, sit down somewhere quiet and tell them your story with all the gory details. Answer their questions without fear or favour. Just tell it like it is. Given time, they will come to understand.

I must say for a person who claims to have had limited schooling you have a good command of the written English language.

 

[mortalwombat]

You're such a fighter! I usually am too, but with this one I just want to let it lie. I have tried in the past to discover what legal angles I might be able to follow, and what I have found is that

1. Even though I was isolated (ie never gone to any kind of public school or had any kind of socialization) so had the scocial conditioning of a 10 year old, I was 16 years old, and that puts it down to sexual battery. Only. In this country its easier to bring charges and get results for a suspected meth lab than it is to get someone to do something about something as "insignificant as sexual battery" unless you are Paris Hilton.

2. I was born on the "wrong side of the tracks"...yes even in N. Idaho there is that stigma. Has nothing to do with me, really, and a lot to do with my mother, but there it is. He is/was a pillar of the community. Bi-sexual as all get out, as I guessed from seeing him about 4 years ago passing at a graduation, but bi...and still a community figure. ug.

3. My uncle was the chief of police for 18 years up there (with only 1 drug bust in his career I'm aware of).....so needless to say that this whole thing happened while he was in office....the molesting asshole knew about it...and nothing was done for the sake of keeping everything quiet. Basically, my last name just jacks it up, through no fault of my own.

4. But I will talk to Alternatives to Violence, an agency down here, and see what they say and what might be done. And I'll talk to a couple police officeres in THIS state and see what they can do for a restraining order/harassment stuff.

So, I'm not blowing this off (ok, if I had the choice, I would) but its been so hopeless so far, its .....well. I 'll look into it. And that's all anyone can do, right?

Big hugs
Marie

sounds to me like you're really up against it-no easy path. Maybe the best way is to move on and try to leave your past-not easy i know (it's my method of dealing with things-trith be known is i'm too much of a coward to deal with it any other way-dont tell anyone ok?) but really for your own piece of mind it might be the best way. of course it this dickhead pastor calls you that changes things-no idea what to suggest. maybe i should just sit back and let gil and don give u advice-they are better at it than me! I will give u a huuuuuuge hug tho!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((marie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[mortalwombat]

One thing I learned to do with my austistc boy that I couldn't, by definition, whack (because I was his tutor not his mom) was to get a wooden spoon and a hard surface and, only once in a while, give a really good whack on that hard surface when he was really being a pill. It got his attention and he started to listen.

Later on, when he started doing what I told him to without whacking the surface, and he was being a stinker (after he'd eaten, had a nap, gone potty) , I would make him stay in the middle of the room, where he could look at his toys and do nothing. I had to do that maybe once a month. Worked like a charm.

But you have to develop a bond first, I found. Otherwise, no way.

Marie

i like this idea-why wasn't anyone around to tell me this when i had young kids?

 

[kikmosa]

Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when it seems life is looking up, I get knocked back down. My room-mates father, an older gentleman I've been helping take care of for over two years, passed away this morning. I'm not sure if my new job is going to let me have the time off I'm going to need to go to the funeral. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, I was going today to see him. God, I am so depressed now. I'm tired of being depressed all the time. And I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying and I know that would probably help but I can't. I haven't been able to cry for anything for years now. I feel so bad inside and I can't do anything.

 

[bertrande]

Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when it seems life is looking up, I get knocked back down. My room-mates father, an older gentleman I've been helping take care of for over two years, passed away this morning. I'm not sure if my new job is going to let me have the time off I'm going to need to go to the funeral. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, I was going today to see him. God, I am so depressed now. I'm tired of being depressed all the time. And I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying and I know that would probably help but I can't. I haven't been able to cry for anything for years now. I feel so bad inside and I can't do anything.

I am sorry to hear about your pain.

Have you talked to a doctor about the depression? If you have and don't want to take medication - try taking St John's Wort, it is a natural alternative and can often help.

Hope things start to look up for you soon

 

[Quoll]

{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}
I'm so sorry you are feeling down my friend, I wish I had more than words to give you.
You truly are in my thoughts, I hope life can be better for you soon.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when it seems life is looking up, I get knocked back down. My room-mates father, an older gentleman I've been helping take care of for over two years, passed away this morning. I'm not sure if my new job is going to let me have the time off I'm going to need to go to the funeral. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, I was going today to see him. God, I am so depressed now. I'm tired of being depressed all the time. And I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying and I know that would probably help but I can't. I haven't been able to cry for anything for years now. I feel so bad inside and I can't do anything.

{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}

You can only ask if you can have time off for the funeral. They can only say Yes or No.

It is important for you to say goodbye. Try to arrange with the funeral home/whatever to have a viewing so that youcan say goodbye . . . and everything else that you think should be said . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when it seems life is looking up, I get knocked back down. My room-mates father, an older gentleman I've been helping take care of for over two years, passed away this morning. I'm not sure if my new job is going to let me have the time off I'm going to need to go to the funeral. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, I was going today to see him. God, I am so depressed now. I'm tired of being depressed all the time. And I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying and I know that would probably help but I can't. I haven't been able to cry for anything for years now. I feel so bad inside and I can't do anything.

Dear KIKI I'm so sorry that you sad but please try to think of the time you spent caring for him as I'm sure it made him a lot happier than his last years could have been if you hadn't been in his life.
I don't know what employers are like in the US but if you explain that you had spent 2 years helping car for him any boss that wouldn't give you one day off wouldn't have a heart so try explaining the situation & see.
Sadness dosen't always need tears as it's in the heart where the loss is felt.
I wish we were closer so I could be there for you sweet lady.

 

[kikmosa]

I contacted the place I work for and they are going to let me have the day off. I'm so relieved. Mark is holding up much better then I thought he would. It helps that all his friends rallied round him.

First thing I did this morning was call my father and tell him how much I love him. I also told Mark that somehow or another, I'm going back and see my dad as soon as possible. It's been over two years now. I need to see him before I lose him too.

Thank you, all of you for your thoughts and prayers. It's really helping. It's kept me going today and will through the next few days.

((((hugs)))) and kisses to all of my friends here at lit.

Kiki

 

[Bandit58]

{{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}

Both Gil and I send our love and an extra big hug from each of us

My dad died back in March and I miss him terribly, but I'm so glad I went back to see him before he passed away, and he knew how happy I was with "that Aussie bloke". I even dream about him occasionally, maybe he's keeping an eye on me

 

[sweet_marie]

{{{{{{{kiki}}}}}}

We don't know each other much but I just wanted to lend some support.

Don't get frustrated with yourself at what you should feel or what you cannot feel.

Its all about knowing where your heart is at this moment. That is the important thing, indenify with what you are feeling.

I work for Hospice and I thought I'd pass a grief oriented web page to you...take it for what you can and no more.
http://www.whitmanhospice.org/websites.html

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew."
– Saint Francis de Sales


"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only for wallowing in."
-Katherine Mansfield

 

[sweet_marie]

oops!

My other attachment got bumped off....its a handout we give out and I find it very helpful in any life changing situation.

More hugs....please don't forget to have patience with yourself. Take it one hour at a time and breathe

Marie


CHANGE SURVIVAL KIT

~Recognize your rituals and honor them.

~Keep active and busy. Making every minute count can keep your sanity intact.

~Find something “old” that is safe to hang onto and enjoy.
Old Sitcoms, movies, radio stations, clothes, shoes

~List all the changes you have successfully made in the past: graduations, moves, marriage, children, losses, separations, births
ponder them for a while. Remember the struggles. We tend to minimize the
transition after we have made the change.

~Work hard to separate old baggage from current wounds.

~Practice all the stress management techniques you know
Eat right (ie: good chocolate and wine), exercise, meditate, listen to music you relate to at any given mood

~List your options to remind yourself you are not stuck. Get a dry erase board and make it your “war board”. Write down anything that comes to mind and when its full, write down on paper what is there, erase and start over.
~Build quiet times into your daily routine. You need escape from the chaos. Don’t feel guilty when you do that either!

~Laugh hard and laugh often

~Keep aware of the developments going on outside your field. Then the changes won’t take you by surprise when you poke your head into society again.

~Don’t isolate yourself. Find your support systems outside of work and use them.

~Become a never ending learner. It is the only way you will adapt yourself to ever increasing amounts of change.

~Know your own values, boundaries and know thyself. Otherwise, who else can?

~Tend your “career” not your job. Employability security, not job security.
With a business, make it secure and the least of your worries.

~Admit your mistakes. Learn from them. Then apologize if needed and move on.

~Tell the truth.

~Read a good book.

~Tend your spiritual side. We all have one, we are all spiritual beings. Part of the fun of finding yourself is figuring out how your spirit works. Then nurture it.

~Journal what you have learned or are learning from the transitions you are undergoing. Be honest about your own losses. Allow yourself to grieve and be familiar with that process. People who don’t grieve their losses are the victims.

~Be aware of where you are at in your own transition. You may be at a different place from the people around you. If those around you are starting to look at you funny or tend to shy away, help make them aware of what is going on with you. Chances are, they will be able to relate and might be able to help you cope.

~The survivor’s life jacket is made of imperishable items with which he surrounds himself or herself: books, music, spiritual faith, a sense of purpose, a dream and awesome friends who are aware and supportive in their own individual and unique ways.

 

[Don K Dyck]

My other attachment got bumped off....its a handout we give out and I find it very helpful in any life changing situation.

More hugs....please don't forget to have patience with yourself. Take it one hour at a time and breathe

Marie


CHANGE SURVIVAL KIT

~Recognize your rituals and honor them.

~Keep active and busy. Making every minute count can keep your sanity intact.

~Find something “old” that is safe to hang onto and enjoy.
Old Sitcoms, movies, radio stations, clothes, shoes

~List all the changes you have successfully made in the past: graduations, moves, marriage, children, losses, separations, births
ponder them for a while. Remember the struggles. We tend to minimize the
transition after we have made the change.

~Work hard to separate old baggage from current wounds.

~Practice all the stress management techniques you know
Eat right (ie: good chocolate and wine), exercise, meditate, listen to music you relate to at any given mood

~List your options to remind yourself you are not stuck. Get a dry erase board and make it your “war board”. Write down anything that comes to mind and when its full, write down on paper what is there, erase and start over.
~Build quiet times into your daily routine. You need escape from the chaos. Don’t feel guilty when you do that either!

~Laugh hard and laugh often

~Keep aware of the developments going on outside your field. Then the changes won’t take you by surprise when you poke your head into society again.

~Don’t isolate yourself. Find your support systems outside of work and use them.

~Become a never ending learner. It is the only way you will adapt yourself to ever increasing amounts of change.

~Know your own values, boundaries and know thyself. Otherwise, who else can?

~Tend your “career” not your job. Employability security, not job security.
With a business, make it secure and the least of your worries.

~Admit your mistakes. Learn from them. Then apologize if needed and move on.

~Tell the truth.

~Read a good book.

~Tend your spiritual side. We all have one, we are all spiritual beings. Part of the fun of finding yourself is figuring out how your spirit works. Then nurture it.

~Journal what you have learned or are learning from the transitions you are undergoing. Be honest about your own losses. Allow yourself to grieve and be familiar with that process. People who don’t grieve their losses are the victims.

~Be aware of where you are at in your own transition. You may be at a different place from the people around you. If those around you are starting to look at you funny or tend to shy away, help make them aware of what is going on with you. Chances are, they will be able to relate and might be able to help you cope.

~The survivor’s life jacket is made of imperishable items with which he surrounds himself or herself: books, music, spiritual faith, a sense of purpose, a dream and awesome friends who are aware and supportive in their own individual and unique ways.

Geez Marie, that is a great list for every day use. Thanks.

 

[Gil_T2]

I contacted the place I work for and they are going to let me have the day off. I'm so relieved. Mark is holding up much better then I thought he would. It helps that all his friends rallied round him.

First thing I did this morning was call my father and tell him how much I love him. I also told Mark that somehow or another, I'm going back and see my dad as soon as possible. It's been over two years now. I need to see him before I lose him too.

Thank you, all of you for your thoughts and prayers. It's really helping. It's kept me going today and will through the next few days.

((((hugs)))) and kisses to all of my friends here at lit.

Kiki

Dear KIKI I'm so glad that things are looking up there at this sad time for you & apologise for taking time to post but I have the 4th bout of peritonitis since April this year making me very ill.

Always know you are in our thoughts, you are a very special lady.

 

[Gil_T2]

My other attachment got bumped off....its a handout we give out and I find it very helpful in any life changing situation.

More hugs....please don't forget to have patience with yourself. Take it one hour at a time and breathe

Marie


CHANGE SURVIVAL KIT

~Recognize your rituals and honor them.

~Keep active and busy. Making every minute count can keep your sanity intact.

~Find something “old” that is safe to hang onto and enjoy.
Old Sitcoms, movies, radio stations, clothes, shoes

~List all the changes you have successfully made in the past: graduations, moves, marriage, children, losses, separations, births
ponder them for a while. Remember the struggles. We tend to minimize the
transition after we have made the change.

~Work hard to separate old baggage from current wounds.

~Practice all the stress management techniques you know
Eat right (ie: good chocolate and wine), exercise, meditate, listen to music you relate to at any given mood

~List your options to remind yourself you are not stuck. Get a dry erase board and make it your “war board”. Write down anything that comes to mind and when its full, write down on paper what is there, erase and start over.
~Build quiet times into your daily routine. You need escape from the chaos. Don’t feel guilty when you do that either!

~Laugh hard and laugh often

~Keep aware of the developments going on outside your field. Then the changes won’t take you by surprise when you poke your head into society again.

~Don’t isolate yourself. Find your support systems outside of work and use them.

~Become a never ending learner. It is the only way you will adapt yourself to ever increasing amounts of change.

~Know your own values, boundaries and know thyself. Otherwise, who else can?

~Tend your “career” not your job. Employability security, not job security.
With a business, make it secure and the least of your worries.

~Admit your mistakes. Learn from them. Then apologize if needed and move on.

~Tell the truth.

~Read a good book.

~Tend your spiritual side. We all have one, we are all spiritual beings. Part of the fun of finding yourself is figuring out how your spirit works. Then nurture it.

~Journal what you have learned or are learning from the transitions you are undergoing. Be honest about your own losses. Allow yourself to grieve and be familiar with that process. People who don’t grieve their losses are the victims.

~Be aware of where you are at in your own transition. You may be at a different place from the people around you. If those around you are starting to look at you funny or tend to shy away, help make them aware of what is going on with you. Chances are, they will be able to relate and might be able to help you cope.

~The survivor’s life jacket is made of imperishable items with which he surrounds himself or herself: books, music, spiritual faith, a sense of purpose, a dream and awesome friends who are aware and supportive in their own individual and unique ways.

MARIE this has been posted at a good time as a friend is going through a bad time & think this might help.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just posting some links that might help abuse victims.

http://www.rainn.org/

http://www.ndvh.org/

http://www.ncadv.org/

http://www.nsvrc.org/

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo/

http://www.malesurvivor.org/

http://www.vaw.umn.edu/

http://www.voices-action.org/