How do you help someone get over being abused

[mortalwombat]

Wow. All these great responses, and I, with only a moment to answer.

(Hurricane Katrina's coming in soon, and I still have so much to wrap up...I wanted to do it yesterday, but was so drained)

We are seeing some nasty pics and hearing nastier stories about Katrina down here-assuming you evacuated and can get to a computer, how did you fare?

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks to everyone who has bumped the thread as it should be locked on the front page anyway sadly to many have suffered abuse for it not to be on LIT.

There is never an excuse for abuse.

 

[bertrande]

And two very fine bumps those were.

Bumping again, lol.

why thank you very much

 

[kikmosa]

why thank you very much

Your very welcome.

 

[kikmosa]

Thanks to everyone who has bumped the thread as it should be locked on the front page anyway sadly to many have suffered abuse for it not to be on LIT.

There is never an excuse for abuse.

Always "bumping" for you, Gil. Give Bandit a hug for me.

 

[Gil_T2]

Always "bumping" for you, Gil. Give Bandit a hug for me.

Thankyou dear KIKI One from each of us & I'll give BANDIT an extra special hug just from you.

 

[sweet_marie]

Not new, but my first 'fession

Hello to all

Well, I'm Marie. I've been following this awesome thread for about a year. Now I think I need to share my story and I am asking for some serious help, if anyone can give it.

First, I am the oldest sister of 7 children. My mother is a schizo/bipolar, my father dying of a terminal illness. Because of this, you can just hear the "dysfunctional" violins playing in the background, huh!

Well, my family believed in isolation, my parents did, after I turned 11, at which time I was personally responsible for raising the kids. When this happened, my mother turned into a drunk, and when she is a drunk she is a lesbian...and she hit on me a lot. I was very sexually mishandled by her after the age of 16 on top of raising her kids (ps. I don't think I'm having any of my own..."mine" are in middle school now and I'm done).

So by the time I was 16, I had the social understanding of a 10 year old. Well, we starved for much of my childhood, no running water or electricity, no formal schooling. During this time, a family friend, posturing deacon of the church, came around and helped us out by getting food and etc and running us to town and taking us to the food bank. Well after a bit, I was sent alone with him. Within two weeks, he had me in bed with him. Two weeks after that the blush went off the rose and I told him (he was 32) that this felt icky, so he got upset and quit. Quit coming. For two weeks. Meanwhile we again went hungry, and this time the kids screamed in panic/hunger because they thought it was happening all over again, just when there was a "light" at the end of the tunnel. After that, he came again, looked at me, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had to sleep with him or we wouldn't be fed. This went on for 8 months. The only thing that stopped it was that I grew curves.

I was molested by him in that he used me...I literally had the value of a blow up dolly. He would talk at me like I was other women he really wanted to screw but was too dorkie to do. he rubbed my buttocks, but never went inside me exactly since he was a good Catholic and didn't believe in birth control and didn't want to support a child. So, in my mind, not only was I worthless enough to get molested, I wasn't worth acutally fucking. How terrible is that? After he got tired of me, my mother started to get drunk and went after me, pulling my tits, tearing my shirt off, trying to make me dance for her naked, massage her intimately, etc. yeah.

After that, I survived until I turned 18, left and joined the Navy, got hurt and medically discharged. I've been going to school, CNA and now trying for nursing school for Hospice. I've bought and sold my first house, in a dump now but trying to get higher up, started two businesses...Mary Kay and refinances/purchase mortgages...and I also work at hospice while I go to school.

So, here's the part where I need help.

First, please feel free to comment on any of the above.

Second, I can't be the only survivor (I am not a victim anymore! I survived it! Now I'm trying to live again!!!!!)....anyway, I can't be the only survivor that is a social retard. Any help and advice is so welcomed.

Third, how does one date intelligently, given one wants to crawl in a hole and die when someone looks at you. How do you start dating? Really...it seems to come so naturally so everyone I know, but I'm such a dork. I can get a first date...but I think I come off way to something, because unless they want to get fucked the first date, there is never a second date. And I don't sleep around.

Fourth, how do you get to feel comfy in your own body again? I am 5'9, natural red head, green eyes, nice enough face I guess, size 8, bubble butt. Please tell me what you think. Also, please someone say you like bubble butts. I'm so damn self counscious about mine

Fifth how do you present yourself...how do you be socially acceptable to people again?

Sixth...how do you start feeling comfortable with sex? I tried it once. My lips never quit going numb and when he entered, I went into the fetal for 15 minutes. Help!

Ok, thanks guys. If nothing else...well I got it out. Sorry for the staccato voice here, I'm not so comfy telling it.

hugs
Marie

 

[Bandit58]

Hi marie, first of all congratulations on posting here - it really does help to put things down in writing.

The only thing I can really suggest is finding a support group or maybe go to a counsellor. A site I was recommended is:

www.rainn.org

I'm sure there are helplines in your local phone book too.

Much of what you're asking will take a heap of time to get through. Try finding a group of people who share any interests you might have. It would be a way of making friends before trying out the dating thing.

We are not qualified therapists just people who want to help, and lend a friendly and supportive ear. Feel free to PM me any time

 

[mortalwombat]

Hello to all


So, here's the part where I need help.Ok, thanks guys. If nothing else...well I got it out. Sorry for the staccato voice here, I'm not so comfy telling it.

hugs
Marie

Hi Marie-I'm not much good at this but i'll do my best!

First, please feel free to comment on any of the above.

I think you've made a great step in posting here-It cant have been easy. Your's is a terrible and sad story and I really admire anyone who can bring it all out into the open like you have. It takes courage to do that and face up to your past and survive for the future.

Second, I can't be the only survivor (I am not a victim anymore! I survived it! Now I'm trying to live again!!!!!)....anyway, I can't be the only survivor that is a social retard. Any help and advice is so welcomed.

No doubt there are others like you out there-I'm a bit of a social retard myself-I am shy in a group of people I dont know and awkward in social situations unless i'm around people i know well. I worry too much over what other people think of me, when i know it doesn't really matter. i have a very low opinion of myself i'm afraid. I haven't worked out how to get around it yet-but chatting online helps-you learn how to hold a conversation with strangers who later become friends, which is pretty much what you want to do in real life. A cyber affair or 2 doesn't hurt either!

Third, how does one date intelligently, given one wants to crawl in a hole and die when someone looks at you. How do you start dating? Really...it seems to come so naturally so everyone I know, but I'm such a dork. I can get a first date...but I think I come off way to something, because unless they want to get fucked the first date, there is never a second date. And I don't sleep around.

If all a guy wants from you is sex then he's not worth it. I am a typical male, always horny, but much as i'd like sex on a first date i would never expect it-or the second or third. I believe sex is one of those things that just happens when both of you are ready. As for dating being natural, i have never made the first move on a woman-i dont have the self confidence for that. I didn't start dating untill i was almost 18, and she started it not me. i'm not in the " i want to crawl in a hole and die" catorgry but i dont see myself as attractive and can never work out why anyone else would see me that way. Maybe for you the idea is to have a few first dates and get some experience just on a social level-who knows maybe you'll find the guy who wants a second date.

Fourth, how do you get to feel comfy in your own body again? I am 5'9, natural red head, green eyes, nice enough face I guess, size 8, bubble butt. Please tell me what you think. Also, please someone say you like bubble butts. I'm so damn self counscious about mine

you sound pretty damn gorgeous to me-and i love bubble butts!

Fifth how do you present yourself...how do you be socially acceptable to people again?

I used to try to fit in with what other people expect but found it to hard. so now i'm me-and while i do worry still about what people think, i dont change who or what i am for them-it's too hard and if someone cant accept you the way you are then thats their loss. you may find that you are only socially unacceptable in your own mind-get out and live a little.

Sixth...how do you start feeling comfortable with sex? I tried it once. My lips never quit going numb and when he entered, I went into the fetal for 15 minutes. Help!

This one i really cant help you much with-my lust has always overwhelmed my nervousness and discomfort. All I can suggest is wait for a guy you're really comfortable with and go from there. Sorry I have no advice here!

Well thats me done. i think you've made some really big steps in that you have started your businesses and are working to get some education. Self improvement is a great way to increase your self worth. From what I've read here (yes i did go and read some of your other posts) you seem like a really nice person-someone who'd be welcome in any social situation. I really admire your courage to come out and tell us about all this and only hope you get some comfort and good advice from it. I dare say you feel better just getting it of your chest! Feel free to message me(either here or on yahoo-my id is wombatoutofhell) if you want to chat or a shoulder or whatever-i'm sure that goes for anyone on this thread.
Like i said at the start, i'm not much good at this-but hopefully i said something that helps! *hugs*

 

[Don K Dyck]

HI Marie . . . welcome to the thread run by survivors. WE're not academically qualifed psychologists or doctor trained psychiatrists, just uncomon folk dealing with the extraordinary circumstances of our lives. Only from your courageous post, it appears that you have had many similar experiences to the others who post here.

1. Family Situation.

This is difficult for me.

Sometimes for our own survival we have to cut ourselves off from family so that we as individuals survive and prosper. I speak here as an only child and so am not aware of the bonds that form between siblings; but the words and sentiments of He ain't heavy, he's my Brother spring to mind.

Mothers who have large families and pass the responsibility for raising those families off onto one of the off-spring don't rank very highly in my system of values.

Then terminal illness is terminal illness; is it stll YOUR responsibility to care for your father when simultaneously your mother chooses to violate YOU? I think not.

Your description of "family life" reeks of abuse and neglect; joining the Navy must have been a great relief.

Ask yourself, "Do I deserve abuse and neglect?" The answer is, of course, "NO!!!"

There comes a time when every person must join the adult world and take responsibility for themselves. You have done that by leaving home and staying away regardless of the homesick pangs.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE!! EVER!!


2. The Deacon


This "delightful" chap needs a bloody good kick in the balls, or marking with a green ring <which is very painful for about three days, THEN THE TESTICLES DROP OFF>.

I think that he would qualify for at least a court case and possible prison sentence in Oz, especially given the withholding of state sponsored food resources.

So an early Christmas present could readily be indictment on charges of sexual molestation of a minor which in Oz is a statutory rape.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE!! EVER!!


3. Your Achievements

Oh dear . . . another person who has proved that formal schooling is little indication of financial success in real life. Well done!!


4. Social Retard.

Uhmmm . . . it is difficult being raised in a family with few, if any, of the social skills that most people learn by osmosis from other family members. A natural response in any social situation is to "look after Number 1" and bugger anybody else. But this generally terminates frienships that the person is trying to establish.

I guess the answer is "Be yourself".

DO:

(i) be true to yourself; <then you canst be false to any man>
(ii) speak your piece softly and with the necessary passion,
(iii) refuse to be abused verbally or physically by anybody, partners in particular; <when the abuse starts the relationship has ended>
(iv) continue with your education, it will broaden your mind and open you up to all sorts of exciting economic possibilities;
(v) believe that you are worthy of a loving relationship with a person who shares your dreams and desires;
(vi) believe that you are capable of learning the interpersonal and social skills to promote yourself to whatever you want to achieve.


DON'T:

(i) don't try to please anybody;
(ii) don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable;
(iii) don't tolerate fools or the people who will try to rip you off;
(iv) don't rush off into a relationship simply to be in a relationship. This course will often perpetuate the hell that you grew up in <and I doubt that you want that!>.

Rather, take the time to determine what it is that I want. Write it down and stick it on the fridge where you will see it every day. The mind, and the world are unusual things . . . pretty soon you will find people coming out of the woodwork to help you achieve your goals.


5. Dating

In Oz I think it is still the custom for bed to follow after more than one date. If bed is the agenda, then do you really want that person for your friend, let alone partner? Don' t rush into relationships, and don't let yourself be rushed into a relationship. There are always more fish in the sea than the one on your line.


6. REDHEADS

As any connessieur of women will tell you, redheads are very special . . . intelligent, sensual, articulate, fun and very, very imaginative . . . all the guy has to do is be able to keep up!! <That right Gil??>

From your description of yourself there appears to be few problems . . . let's see . . . size 8 means slim, svelt and sexy . . . with well rounded buttocks . . . add some intelligent conversation and a good red wine over a Chateau Briand medium rare with vegetables glace followed by strawberries dipped in Belgian chocolate and a Drambuie, and there are the makings of a delightful evening. Whatever follows follows whatever . . .


7. Sex

Best done with somebody you care for or about. Take your time, there is a lot to learn and experience is the only way that you can learn it.

The baggage from your family experience may impact upon your reaction to any partner, so if that happens just back off, and explain why. If your partner of that moment understands, they won't mind. If they don't understand, then you probably don't need them.

The trauma that you experienced during your childhood will have impacted upon your response to sexual advances. It may be necessary for you to unlearn your teenage responses . . . but there is too little detail here, and I don't really want any more . . . THAT is the realm of a professional counsellor.

If a partner suggests anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, then don't do it!!

Finally . . . congratulations for getting it all out . . . you have taken another step along the road to your "recovery" or better put, creating the life that YOU want.

PM me if you think it would help . . . some things are better left off a board . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

HI Marie . . . welcome to the thread run by survivors. WE're not academically qualifed psychologists or doctor trained psychiatrists, just uncomon folk dealing with the extraordinary circumstances of our lives. Only from your courageous post, it appears that you have had many similar experiences to the others who post here.

1. Family Situation.

This is difficult for me.

Sometimes for our own survival we have to cut ourselves off from family so that we as individuals survive and prosper. I speak here as an only child and so am not aware of the bonds that form between siblings; but the words and sentiments of He ain't heavy, he's my Brother spring to mind.

Mothers who have large families and pass the responsibility for raising those families off onto one of the off-spring don't rank very highly in my system of values.

Then terminal illness is terminal illness; is it stll YOUR responsibility to care for your father when simultaneously your mother chooses to violate YOU? I think not.

Your description of "family life" reeks of abuse and neglect; joining the Navy must have been a great relief.

Ask yourself, "Do I deserve abuse and neglect?" The answer is, of course, "NO!!!"

There comes a time when every person must join the adult world and take responsibility for themselves. You have done that by leaving home and staying away regardless of the homesick pangs.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE!! EVER!!


2. The Deacon


This "delightful" chap needs a bloody good kick in the balls, or marking with a green ring <which is very painful for about three days, THEN THE TESTICLES DROP OFF>.

I think that he would qualify for at least a court case and possible prison sentence in Oz, especially given the withholding of state sponsored food resources.

So an early Christmas present could readily be indictment on charges of sexual molestation of a minor which in Oz is a statutory rape.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE!! EVER!!


3. Your Achievements

Oh dear . . . another person who has proved that formal schooling is little indication of financial success in real life. Well done!!


4. Social Retard.

Uhmmm . . . it is difficult being raised in a family with few, if any, of the social skills that most people learn by osmosis from other family members. A natural response in any social situation is to "look after Number 1" and bugger anybody else. But this generally terminates frienships that the person is trying to establish.

I guess the answer is "Be yourself".

DO:

(i) be true to yourself; <then you canst be false to any man>
(ii) speak your piece softly and with the necessary passion,
(iii) refuse to be abused verbally or physically by anybody, partners in particular; <when the abuse starts the relationship has ended>
(iv) continue with your education, it will broaden your mind and open you up to all sorts of exciting economic possibilities;
(v) believe that you are worthy of a loving relationship with a person who shares your dreams and desires;
(vi) believe that you are capable of learning the interpersonal and social skills to promote yourself to whatever you want to achieve.


DON'T:

(i) don't try to please anybody;
(ii) don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable;
(iii) don't tolerate fools or the people who will try to rip you off;
(iv) don't rush off into a relationship simply to be in a relationship. This course will often perpetuate the hell that you grew up in <and I doubt that you want that!>.

Rather, take the time to determine what it is that I want. Write it down and stick it on the fridge where you will see it every day. The mind, and the world are unusual things . . . pretty soon you will find people coming out of the woodwork to help you achieve your goals.


5. Dating

In Oz I think it is still the custom for bed to follow after more than one date. If bed is the agenda, then do you really want that person for your friend, let alone partner? Don' t rush into relationships, and don't let yourself be rushed into a relationship. There are always more fish in the sea than the one on your line.


6. REDHEADS

As any connessieur of women will tell you, redheads are very special . . . intelligent, sensual, articulate, fun and very, very imaginative . . . all the guy has to do is be able to keep up!! <That right Gil??>

From your description of yourself there appears to be few problems . . . let's see . . . size 8 means slim, svelt and sexy . . . with well rounded buttocks . . . add some intelligent conversation and a good red wine over a Chateau Briand medium rare with vegetables glace followed by strawberries dipped in Belgian chocolate and a Drambuie, and there are the makings of a delightful evening. Whatever follows follows whatever . . .


7. Sex

Best done with somebody you care for or about. Take your time, there is a lot to learn and experience is the only way that you can learn it.

The baggage from your family experience may impact upon your reaction to any partner, so if that happens just back off, and explain why. If your partner of that moment understands, they won't mind. If they don't understand, then you probably don't need them.

The trauma that you experienced during your childhood will have impacted upon your response to sexual advances. It may be necessary for you to unlearn your teenage responses . . . but there is too little detail here, and I don't really want any more . . . THAT is the realm of a professional counsellor.

If a partner suggests anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, then don't do it!!

Finally . . . congratulations for getting it all out . . . you have taken another step along the road to your "recovery" or better put, creating the life that YOU want.

PM me if you think it would help . . . some things are better left off a board . . .

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks DON for posting to SWEET MARIE,I normally read the posts then think & then post but MARIE's story has had me struggling for the words & you have made yet another fantastic reply hitting on many of the things I was searching for.

Marie I'm curious what is happening with you siblings? are they safe from the abuse you suffered? did they suffer any of the abuse you did?(just me wondering)

You will need to seek professional help to deal with the abuse you suffered in the past, your destroyed self esteem. Not knowing where you are (big town,city or rural look for abuse support groups they are a great place to rebuild your self as you are with others who have been through their own hell but all know what your going through, please make the effort.

Many abuse sufferers who have all survived don't bother with the step to getting professional help they need & I think you post points to you needing that bit more to get you through.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE !!!!!!!!!!

Lastly your description of your physical self is my idea of a very loverly lady without seing any pics of you & bubble butts are a favorite for me but as with all the ladies i have been with over the years looks,age body type,race were never important to me as it was the lady who attracted my attention not the physical appearance.

As with the others who have posted PM/Email or post to any of us if you need anything...to vent or a shoulder to lean on.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE !!!!!!!!!!!!

Gentle caring hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{SWEET MARIE}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[mortalwombat]

HI Marie . . . welcome to the thread run by survivors. WE're not academically qualifed psychologists or doctor trained psychiatrists, just uncomon folk dealing with the extraordinary circumstances of our lives. Only from your courageous post, it appears that you have had many similar experiences to the others who post here.

PM me if you think it would help . . . some things are better left off a board . . .

I knew don would say it all better than i would! seriously marie theres a great support base on this thread-feel free to pm any of us. bear in mind tho that don, gil, bandit and myself are in australia so due to time zones it may be a little while before you get an answer.

 

[sweet_marie]

HI Marie . . . welcome to the thread run by survivors. WE're not academically qualifed psychologists or doctor trained psychiatrists, just uncomon folk dealing with the extraordinary circumstances of our lives. Only from your courageous post, it appears that you have had many similar experiences to the others who post here.

1. Family Situation.

This is difficult for me.

Sometimes for our own survival we have to cut ourselves off from family so that we as individuals survive and prosper. I speak here as an only child and so am not aware of the bonds that form between siblings; but the words and sentiments of He ain't heavy, he's my Brother spring to mind.

Mothers who have large families and pass the responsibility for raising those families off onto one of the off-spring don't rank very highly in my system of values.

Then terminal illness is terminal illness; is it stll YOUR responsibility to care for your father when simultaneously your mother chooses to violate YOU? I think not.

Your description of "family life" reeks of abuse and neglect; joining the Navy must have been a great relief.

Ask yourself, "Do I deserve abuse and neglect?" The answer is, of course, "NO!!!"

There comes a time when every person must join the adult world and take responsibility for themselves. You have done that by leaving home and staying away regardless of the homesick pangs.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE!! EVER!!


2. The Deacon


This "delightful" chap needs a bloody good kick in the balls, or marking with a green ring <which is very painful for about three days, THEN THE TESTICLES DROP OFF>.

I think that he would qualify for at least a court case and possible prison sentence in Oz, especially given the withholding of state sponsored food resources.

So an early Christmas present could readily be indictment on charges of sexual molestation of a minor which in Oz is a statutory rape.

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE!! EVER!!


3. Your Achievements

Oh dear . . . another person who has proved that formal schooling is little indication of financial success in real life. Well done!!


4. Social Retard.

Uhmmm . . . it is difficult being raised in a family with few, if any, of the social skills that most people learn by osmosis from other family members. A natural response in any social situation is to "look after Number 1" and bugger anybody else. But this generally terminates frienships that the person is trying to establish.

I guess the answer is "Be yourself".

DO:

(i) be true to yourself; <then you canst be false to any man>
(ii) speak your piece softly and with the necessary passion,
(iii) refuse to be abused verbally or physically by anybody, partners in particular; <when the abuse starts the relationship has ended>
(iv) continue with your education, it will broaden your mind and open you up to all sorts of exciting economic possibilities;
(v) believe that you are worthy of a loving relationship with a person who shares your dreams and desires;
(vi) believe that you are capable of learning the interpersonal and social skills to promote yourself to whatever you want to achieve.


DON'T:

(i) don't try to please anybody;
(ii) don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable;
(iii) don't tolerate fools or the people who will try to rip you off;
(iv) don't rush off into a relationship simply to be in a relationship. This course will often perpetuate the hell that you grew up in <and I doubt that you want that!>.

Rather, take the time to determine what it is that I want. Write it down and stick it on the fridge where you will see it every day. The mind, and the world are unusual things . . . pretty soon you will find people coming out of the woodwork to help you achieve your goals.


5. Dating

In Oz I think it is still the custom for bed to follow after more than one date. If bed is the agenda, then do you really want that person for your friend, let alone partner? Don' t rush into relationships, and don't let yourself be rushed into a relationship. There are always more fish in the sea than the one on your line.


6. REDHEADS

As any connessieur of women will tell you, redheads are very special . . . intelligent, sensual, articulate, fun and very, very imaginative . . . all the guy has to do is be able to keep up!! <That right Gil??>

From your description of yourself there appears to be few problems . . . let's see . . . size 8 means slim, svelt and sexy . . . with well rounded buttocks . . . add some intelligent conversation and a good red wine over a Chateau Briand medium rare with vegetables glace followed by strawberries dipped in Belgian chocolate and a Drambuie, and there are the makings of a delightful evening. Whatever follows follows whatever . . .


7. Sex

Best done with somebody you care for or about. Take your time, there is a lot to learn and experience is the only way that you can learn it.

The baggage from your family experience may impact upon your reaction to any partner, so if that happens just back off, and explain why. If your partner of that moment understands, they won't mind. If they don't understand, then you probably don't need them.

The trauma that you experienced during your childhood will have impacted upon your response to sexual advances. It may be necessary for you to unlearn your teenage responses . . . but there is too little detail here, and I don't really want any more . . . THAT is the realm of a professional counsellor.

If a partner suggests anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, then don't do it!!

Finally . . . congratulations for getting it all out . . . you have taken another step along the road to your "recovery" or better put, creating the life that YOU want.

PM me if you think it would help . . . some things are better left off a board . . .

Wow...just....wow. Thanks so much. I really needed to hear all that...you psychic? No, I know you guys aren't trained professionals, I do have one actually...but I think that sometimes, you guys truly are the best therapy. And this post really, really helps. I have it tacked on the fridge...its hard to actually think someone thinks this good stuff about me, but that's sorta normal for me. So I just leave it there and after a period of time I get the AHA! moment..but for now, the little warm fuzzies were great. Thanks. A lot.
And for the PM invite...you rock.

Marie

 

[sweet_marie]

Hi Marie-I'm not much good at this but i'll do my best!

First, please feel free to comment on any of the above.

I think you've made a great step in posting here-It cant have been easy. Your's is a terrible and sad story and I really admire anyone who can bring it all out into the open like you have. It takes courage to do that and face up to your past and survive for the future.

Second, I can't be the only survivor (I am not a victim anymore! I survived it! Now I'm trying to live again!!!!!)....anyway, I can't be the only survivor that is a social retard. Any help and advice is so welcomed.

No doubt there are others like you out there-I'm a bit of a social retard myself-I am shy in a group of people I dont know and awkward in social situations unless i'm around people i know well. I worry too much over what other people think of me, when i know it doesn't really matter. i have a very low opinion of myself i'm afraid. I haven't worked out how to get around it yet-but chatting online helps-you learn how to hold a conversation with strangers who later become friends, which is pretty much what you want to do in real life. A cyber affair or 2 doesn't hurt either!

Third, how does one date intelligently, given one wants to crawl in a hole and die when someone looks at you. How do you start dating? Really...it seems to come so naturally so everyone I know, but I'm such a dork. I can get a first date...but I think I come off way to something, because unless they want to get fucked the first date, there is never a second date. And I don't sleep around.

If all a guy wants from you is sex then he's not worth it. I am a typical male, always horny, but much as i'd like sex on a first date i would never expect it-or the second or third. I believe sex is one of those things that just happens when both of you are ready. As for dating being natural, i have never made the first move on a woman-i dont have the self confidence for that. I didn't start dating untill i was almost 18, and she started it not me. i'm not in the " i want to crawl in a hole and die" catorgry but i dont see myself as attractive and can never work out why anyone else would see me that way. Maybe for you the idea is to have a few first dates and get some experience just on a social level-who knows maybe you'll find the guy who wants a second date.

Fourth, how do you get to feel comfy in your own body again? I am 5'9, natural red head, green eyes, nice enough face I guess, size 8, bubble butt. Please tell me what you think. Also, please someone say you like bubble butts. I'm so damn self counscious about mine

you sound pretty damn gorgeous to me-and i love bubble butts!

Fifth how do you present yourself...how do you be socially acceptable to people again?

I used to try to fit in with what other people expect but found it to hard. so now i'm me-and while i do worry still about what people think, i dont change who or what i am for them-it's too hard and if someone cant accept you the way you are then thats their loss. you may find that you are only socially unacceptable in your own mind-get out and live a little.

Sixth...how do you start feeling comfortable with sex? I tried it once. My lips never quit going numb and when he entered, I went into the fetal for 15 minutes. Help!

This one i really cant help you much with-my lust has always overwhelmed my nervousness and discomfort. All I can suggest is wait for a guy you're really comfortable with and go from there. Sorry I have no advice here!

Well thats me done. i think you've made some really big steps in that you have started your businesses and are working to get some education. Self improvement is a great way to increase your self worth. From what I've read here (yes i did go and read some of your other posts) you seem like a really nice person-someone who'd be welcome in any social situation. I really admire your courage to come out and tell us about all this and only hope you get some comfort and good advice from it. I dare say you feel better just getting it of your chest! Feel free to message me(either here or on yahoo-my id is wombatoutofhell) if you want to chat or a shoulder or whatever-i'm sure that goes for anyone on this thread.
Like i said at the start, i'm not much good at this-but hopefully i said something that helps! *hugs*

It helps a lot! Thanks, that is some great info, and I'll bet it wasn't the easiest to wade through (I read it this morning and went oh, my...blush! But you guys totally made it through...no wasn't drunk for the record ) I'm glad you think I'm nice. I try to be, but get me boxed in a corner and, watch out!
hugs back!!!
Marie

 

[sweet_marie]

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks DON for posting to SWEET MARIE,I normally read the posts then think & then post but MARIE's story has had me struggling for the words & you have made yet another fantastic reply hitting on many of the things I was searching for.

Marie I'm curious what is happening with you siblings? are they safe from the abuse you suffered? did they suffer any of the abuse you did?(just me wondering)

You will need to seek professional help to deal with the abuse you suffered in the past, your destroyed self esteem. Not knowing where you are (big town,city or rural look for abuse support groups they are a great place to rebuild your self as you are with others who have been through their own hell but all know what your going through, please make the effort.

Many abuse sufferers who have all survived don't bother with the step to getting professional help they need & I think you post points to you needing that bit more to get you through.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE !!!!!!!!!!

Lastly your description of your physical self is my idea of a very loverly lady without seing any pics of you & bubble butts are a favorite for me but as with all the ladies i have been with over the years looks,age body type,race were never important to me as it was the lady who attracted my attention not the physical appearance.

As with the others who have posted PM/Email or post to any of us if you need anything...to vent or a shoulder to lean on.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE !!!!!!!!!!!!

Gentle caring hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{SWEET MARIE}}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh Gil, thanks so much! You and Don have been my images of Batman and the Punisher for about as long as I've been here (that is a huge compliment, hopefully no cultural faux pas here...those are my favorite hero's that ever lasted ) . I do have a professional, she's ok, but it wierd. Sometimes, at least for me, I can handle only so much therapy and then I have to go out in the real world and apply it, otherwise it makes no sense. The problem is, as book smart as she is, its the practicle application that aren't so easily...um...suggested. So last night a simple little thing happened and I was absolutely at my wits end...and wrote that very complex post. Sorry if I put way too much on there, at the time it was either write it or don't and I knew if I edited, I'd just never post it.

So, about the kids. I had them in foster care for a year, and they've maintained some close ties to that home (we lucked out in that the couple took all 6 of them in, acutally took a liking to one of my brothers and kinda kept him for good, and it was a good healthy place to go). They are all in school, making good grades and into sports. Their little hearts don't get nurtured, but there isn't a lot of abuse that I can tell. There was when they were first re-united, and I made such a stink about it I think my egg donor was a little afraid and watched her peas and q's...now they are all mostly physically bigger and so the only (!!!) abuse would be mental and emotional.

Don is right in that I haven't really gotten close to the old stomping grounds again. It hurts not to see the kids, but when I do visit, I get so drained that I refuse to go again for months. The kids don't understand, but I'm just trying to take the path that keeps us in contact, and then hope in adult hood when they are in college we can get that sorted out and they might understand a little bit better...and even start to realize a little bit where they have a few boo-boo's to heal too. (Putting psych classes to work!)


I have the oddest support group. I hate telling my story, but I swear God (I believe in him, no offense to anyone who doesn't...and no, I'm not an evanglist so don't run away!) just has it spit out and each time, that woman I was speaking to identified a little and even started healing a little bit...they don't usually hang around long, but just being able to help someone realize even for a moment and then face it...you know its a good sign. Well you guys do know!

And then Hospice is also really good. We are all trained in not only grief counselling but family dynamics...so I get to do some of that stuff at home and feel better. And then the library is a great haunt and I check out the neatest stuff. From training your dog to the cultural history of the penis and everything in between. Yeah. I'm a nut...no. Eclectic. And I've earned it.

So, the kids are ok, I'm getting there. Self-esteem is definately the problem, but I'm working on it. It takes time though.

Big hugs back! And thanks again....
will be in touch
Marie

 

[mortalwombat]

It helps a lot! Thanks, that is some great info, and I'll bet it wasn't the easiest to wade through (I read it this morning and went oh, my...blush! But you guys totally made it through...no wasn't drunk for the record ) I'm glad you think I'm nice. I try to be, but get me boxed in a corner and, watch out!
hugs back!!!
Marie

anytime-have a good day! (((((((((((marie))))))))))))))

 

[Don K Dyck]

. So last night a simple little thing happened and I was absolutely at my wits end...and wrote that very complex post. Sorry if I put way too much on there, at the time it was either write it or don't and I knew if I edited, I'd just never post it.

A very wise decision.

. So, about the kids. I had them in foster care for a year, and they've maintained some close ties to that home (we lucked out in that the couple took all 6 of them in, acutally took a liking to one of my brothers and kinda kept him for good, and it was a good healthy place to go). They are all in school, making good grades and into sports. Their little hearts don't get nurtured, but there isn't a lot of abuse that I can tell. There was when they were first re-united, and I made such a stink about it I think my egg donor was a little afraid and watched her peas and q's...now they are all mostly physically bigger and so the only (!!!) abuse would be mental and emotional.

Don is right in that I haven't really gotten close to the old stomping grounds again. It hurts not to see the kids, but when I do visit, I get so drained that I refuse to go again for months. The kids don't understand, but I'm just trying to take the path that keeps us in contact, and then hope in adult hood when they are in college we can get that sorted out and they might understand a little bit better...and even start to realize a little bit where they have a few boo-boo's to heal too. (Putting psych classes to work!)

A good strategy here for displaced "parents" is to keep the communication lines open. Remember birthdays and Christmas etc without fail for each "child".

Kids naturally take an ego-centric view of the world, and probably won't understand what is happening until long into adulthood, sometimes if then.

When it comes the time to "justify" your strategy to them, do not hold back on the reasons . . . spell it out in all its gory detail. THEN they will understand.

. I have the oddest support group. I hate telling my story, but I swear God (I believe in him, no offense to anyone who doesn't...and no, I'm not an evanglist so don't run away!) just has it spit out and each time, that woman I was speaking to identified a little and even started healing a little bit...they don't usually hang around long, but just being able to help someone realize even for a moment and then face it...you know its a good sign. Well you guys do know!

So change support groups.

. And then Hospice is also really good. We are all trained in not only grief counselling but family dynamics...so I get to do some of that stuff at home and feel better. And then the library is a great haunt and I check out the neatest stuff. From training your dog to the cultural history of the penis and everything in between. Yeah. I'm a nut...no. Eclectic. And I've earned it.

Ahhh . . . I thought that we had a book nut . . . us bibliophiles and bibliomaniacs are such nice people . . .

. So, the kids are ok, I'm getting there. Self-esteem is definately the problem, but I'm working on it. It takes time though.

Marie

Self esteem is built by doing things successfully, and patting yourself on the back for doing them. If somebody else can pat you on the back then that is a real bonus.

Hang in there Marie . . . you are making good progress in your life journey . . . always remember that we are only given a load that we can carry . . .

 

[bertrande]

Bumpity Bump

Up you go

 

[Quoll]

Looks like the storm's going to hit pretty hard, and we're right in target range for it, so I'm going to run for now. Thanks to Cate, this is a subscribed thread, and I will be back.

(( Everyone ))

Just noticed Lyrical is back and posting, glad you made it.

 

[Noor]

Sweet Marie

You asked how you date-I think the answer is that you don't date in the traditional manner, you can't. You make friends, close friends you trust and can talk to, you set up a support network and eventually you find someone within your friends, or someone who is willing to be a friend first.

Regarding body issues- I think lit helps, I think having serious cyber partners can help too. getting massage helps, there are massage therapist who deal with body issues.

as for your bubble butt-take a look at some of the pictures on lit, all sorts of people and other people like them. A few years ago, I saw an exhibit of about 20 of the late Princess Diana's dresses, they were inside Plexiglas cases, you could see all around them. I was surprised by 3 things- the zippers on her dresses were either invisible zippers with a space at the top or hand picked zippers that were knotted between each pick, she was very hard on her clothes and she had a bubble butt!

sex- I like waiting until I can't possible not have sex with my partner, that it is all I think about and then I have sex, partner permitting of course. Any guy who can't wait knows where the door is.
Also so the first time I am in control, so he is not entering me, I am engulfing him. It is all a matter of perception and control. This can get a little tricky if you are involved with a man who also has those issues, but its do able.
Also first time sex does not have to include intercourse, sometimes hands only, then hands and mouths next is a good start.
I always try and be as relaxed as possible. A nice warm shower, having my hair washed is very nice and intimate for me, maybe a massage, things to work up to sex.

 

[bertrande]

another well deserved bump

 

[Noor]

I forgot belly dance!!! Belly dancing is very good for getting in touch with your body, feeling more comfortable being sexual, its good exercise, makes sex better and its fun!

 

[The Neon Wolf]

Personally, I'd say find the abusive bugger, get two vehicles, tie each leg to a car and make a wish...

I have no tolerance for people like that but violence begets violence.

I've seen a few people deal with abusive relationships, the best thing you can do is be there for them. Always listen and remind them that they are wonderful people who deserve alot better.

Just be a friend for them, best thing to do. Make sure they don't have to deal with it on their own.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Personally, I'd say find the abusive bugger, get two vehicles, tie each leg to a car and make a wish...

I have no tolerance for people like that but violence begets violence.

I've seen a few people deal with abusive relationships, the best thing you can do is be there for them. Always listen and remind them that they are wonderful people who deserve alot better.

Just be a friend for them, best thing to do. Make sure they don't have to deal with it on their own.

heheheheh . . . my favourite is applying green emasculation rings to the appropriate parts . . .

. . . but as you say, violence begets violence . . . and herein lies the root of many relationship problems.

Individuals grow up in families where the first correction by an adult for a perceived error by the child is a whack, accompanied by verbal abuse rather than a quiet explanation and a demonstration of the correct thing to do.

I agree totally with the importance of your supportive approach.

 

[sweet_marie]

Sweet Marie

You asked how you date-I think the answer is that you don't date in the traditional manner, you can't. You make friends, close friends you trust and can talk to, you set up a support network and eventually you find someone within your friends, or someone who is willing to be a friend first.

Regarding body issues- I think lit helps, I think having serious cyber partners can help too. getting massage helps, there are massage therapist who deal with body issues.

as for your bubble butt-take a look at some of the pictures on lit, all sorts of people and other people like them. A few years ago, I saw an exhibit of about 20 of the late Princess Diana's dresses, they were inside Plexiglas cases, you could see all around them. I was surprised by 3 things- the zippers on her dresses were either invisible zippers with a space at the top or hand picked zippers that were knotted between each pick, she was very hard on her clothes and she had a bubble butt!

sex- I like waiting until I can't possible not have sex with my partner, that it is all I think about and then I have sex, partner permitting of course. Any guy who can't wait knows where the door is.
Also so the first time I am in control, so he is not entering me, I am engulfing him. It is all a matter of perception and control. This can get a little tricky if you are involved with a man who also has those issues, but its do able.
Also first time sex does not have to include intercourse, sometimes hands only, then hands and mouths next is a good start.
I always try and be as relaxed as possible. A nice warm shower, having my hair washed is very nice and intimate for me, maybe a massage, things to work up to sex.

Wow, thanks so much. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I'm gearing up for midterms...

I really appreciate this. And I'll try all of this. Slowly. Thanks again!
Marie