How do you help someone get over being abused

[sweet_marie]

Confession

heheheheh . . . my favourite is applying green emasculation rings to the appropriate parts . . .

. . . but as you say, violence begets violence . . . and herein lies the root of many relationship problems.

Individuals grow up in families where the first correction by an adult for a perceived error by the child is a whack, accompanied by verbal abuse rather than a quiet explanation and a demonstration of the correct thing to do.

I agree totally with the importance of your supportive approach.

I have to agree with both points.
When I first got my puppy, she was 5 weeks old, I had a really really hard time not doing the whack thing! I am so ashamed to say that one time, she had just bitten my ankle and it bled a bit, but it was in play...well I bopped her a good one out of instinct and broke her nose...she was about 3 months. Well, I just about died right there....I'm not a violent person, but that's all I knew! So I got right on my own ass about it, went to a forum, for writers actually, and pleaded with help...found a dear writer friend whose husband raised dogs...and we've been ok. And my "parenting" issues and methods have been drastically changed! One job, last year, was taking care of and tutoring a little boy, about 4, with autism. What a trial! But, it forced me to find other means and methods of making peramaters, establishing boundries and making sure that he knew I was the adult of the relationship and no, we weren't going to make that a point of discussion.

My dog, Sara, though suffered no ill effects from my BS. However, she, and her puppy Jack, have suffered from my being a student and not having the time to get them as socialized as I might. So that's the next project.

Also, the support. That's exactly what I/we need. Get it hammered into our heads that we are good people and we're not wierd, just approach things a little different, and if we keep working on it, we'll get the wrinkles straightened out. I know some awesome women, just met them, who've been through the banks of Hell and back again, and they've put time and effort into themselves to straighten out. They are the kind of people others look up to and want to be, they have that much character. So, light at the end of the tunnel!

I guess moral of the story: raise puppies who are more forgiving/carry less grudge and practice on them. Unless you're a compulsive abuser rather than someone who just doesn't know better. Then leave the animals alone!

K, off soap box
hugs to all
Marie

 

[sweet_marie]

I forgot belly dance!!! Belly dancing is very good for getting in touch with your body, feeling more comfortable being sexual, its good exercise, makes sex better and its fun!

Ah, I've considered that! I wanted to do that this semester, but it won't work yet, timewise....darn it!
Thanks again
Marie

 

[The Neon Wolf]

Marie: You sound like a great person and compared to some coffee shop creatures I call friends you are far from weird .

Cheers and Good luck on the midterms.

 

[mortalwombat]

I agree with wolf marie-you dont sound weird to me either-in fact is sounds like your screen name suits you. good luck on the mid terms and i hope you are feeling a bit better than when you first posted

 

[sweet_marie]

Marie: You sound like a great person and compared to some coffee shop creatures I call friends you are far from weird .

Cheers and Good luck on the midterms.

Thanks!

 

[sweet_marie]

I agree with wolf marie-you dont sound weird to me either-in fact is sounds like your screen name suits you. good luck on the mid terms and i hope you are feeling a bit better than when you first posted

Thanks....I almost am. Have an update though.

Get this....my mother (the witch) decided that she was going to "fix things."

1. She wanted attention.
2. The asshole in question is not only aspiring decon. But also highly involved in all the children activities. And his father is the head of the men group. And his mother is the head of the women group.
3. Small town.

So she decided to give him my phone number. I could not fu***'n believe it!

So, that's the update, just happened Monday. I'm just focusing on school for now and trying to keep calm and study and writing my stories. I told her never to get in my personal life again. She said she could because she's my mother!

ahhhhhh!!!!

So, I have decided (drums roll) to feel sorry for her. Because a lot of people think I'm perfectly nice. And I'm trying to go forward. No. I am going forward.

But you guys have helped to keep this in perspective, just by being yourselves.

So thanks!!!

Marie

 

[mortalwombat]

Thanks....I almost am. Have an update though.

Get this....my mother (the witch) decided that she was going to "fix things."

1. She wanted attention.
2. The asshole in question is not only aspiring decon. But also highly involved in all the children activities. And his father is the head of the men group. And his mother is the head of the women group.
3. Small town.

So she decided to give him my phone number. I could not fu***'n believe it!

So, that's the update, just happened Monday. I'm just focusing on school for now and trying to keep calm and study and writing my stories. I told her never to get in my personal life again. She said she could because she's my mother!

ahhhhhh!!!!

So, I have decided (drums roll) to feel sorry for her. Because a lot of people think I'm perfectly nice. And I'm trying to go forward. No. I am going forward.

But you guys have helped to keep this in perspective, just by being yourselves.

So thanks!!!

Marie

i have no idea how to respond to this-your mothers insane! My mother tried to rewrite history a few years ago, telling me i didn't remember how things really happened. like that would work! I actually got my files ( child protection, ward of the state, police reports etc) thru the freedom on information act ( i dont know if you have a similar thing over there) and they pretty much said she was a looney-and copies of some letters hand written my her were interesting as well. i didn't read it all-was over an inch and a half thick, but my wife did and i almost had to physically restrain her from going over to mums and having it out with her. I dont dwell much on the past and hate bringing it up so it didn;'t go down to well. anyway-once again i have answered someone elses post and turned it into being about me. sorry. I think people feel guilty as they get older and, rightly or wrongly, try to fix things that are often beyond fixing. Yours seems to be trying to mend bridges between the abuser and you and mine is inventing history. neither of us should let them get away with it-we are both trying to move on and this sort of thing brings it back to the front. To be honest i'm surprised you even talk to your mother. still-i guess i talk to mine too

 

[The Neon Wolf]

That is truly messed up.

I honestly don't care who this individual is whether he's a deacon or the next president. A chump's a chump, you don't have to deal with him if you don't have to.

Second piece of advice, move.. I've noticed in small towns this sort of mentality is frustrating at best, something you don't need to deal with.

 

[sweet_marie]

That is truly messed up.

I honestly don't care who this individual is whether he's a deacon or the next president. A chump's a chump, you don't have to deal with him if you don't have to.

Second piece of advice, move.. I've noticed in small towns this sort of mentality is frustrating at best, something you don't need to deal with.

He lives in N. Idaho and I live in the southern end of a neighboring state. So its mostly that I can't see my siblings because I won't talk to her. And yeah, a chumps a chump. I'd change my phone number but that messes up with my business. Oh that woman.

Deep breath. Midterms.
Ok
hugs
Marie

 

[The Neon Wolf]

If he contacts you just explain you have more important things to do. Like study for said midterms and if he doesn't get the hint hang up. Most phone companies will block certain numbers. I'm not sure about your legal system, but I know here if you verbally state you do not want to talk with him and he continues to call you. It's harassment, keep a log, then call the cops.

 

[Gil_T2]

heheheheh . . . my favourite is applying green emasculation rings to the appropriate parts . . .

. . . but as you say, violence begets violence . . . and herein lies the root of many relationship problems.

Individuals grow up in families where the first correction by an adult for a perceived error by the child is a whack, accompanied by verbal abuse rather than a quiet explanation and a demonstration of the correct thing to do.

I agree totally with the importance of your supportive approach.

Don although i've agreed totally with everything I've seen you post I'm afraid that to a point we don't with the lack of a wack at approprate time with limited power in the wack, my view of this talk to the child when they do wrong is crap in my view as you only have to see the total lack of respect by kids these days since this whole no spanking kids thing started....SAYING that limits to amount & strength of the spanking needs to be considered.
Children of the talk to chastise the child dosen't work in my view & I think the rise in child violent crime being commited is directly in line with the changes in what is meant to be acceptable in controlling the kids at home.
As all who have followed what I think about abuse know I HATE ABUSE but a wack at the right time does wonders, my own daughter recently told me about all the few times I had to punish her did her good & had no bad effects on her but made her a better person.

 

[Gil_T2]

Ah, I've considered that! I wanted to do that this semester, but it won't work yet, timewise....darn it!
Thanks again
Marie

No excuse as you can do your own version at home, just put some music on & do the belly dance thing till you have the time to go to a propper class.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Thanks....I almost am. Have an update though.

Get this....my mother (the witch) decided that she was going to "fix things."

1. She wanted attention.
2. The asshole in question is not only aspiring decon. But also highly involved in all the children activities. And his father is the head of the men group. And his mother is the head of the women group.
3. Small town.

So she decided to give him my phone number. I could not fu***'n believe it!

So, that's the update, just happened Monday. I'm just focusing on school for now and trying to keep calm and study and writing my stories. I told her never to get in my personal life again. She said she could because she's my mother!

ahhhhhh!!!!

So, I have decided (drums roll) to feel sorry for her. Because a lot of people think I'm perfectly nice. And I'm trying to go forward. No. I am going forward.

But you guys have helped to keep this in perspective, just by being yourselves.

So thanks!!!

Marie

Hi Marie,

OK . . . it is time to take the gloves off . . . with that sort of sabatage from your mother you need some state provided legal protection.

It is time for you to seriously consider reporting this low life to the state authorities and seeking a restrianing order to prevent him contacting you.

Now this will cause some ructions in your small town but he deserves them . . . his wife may or may not know of his proclivity for young underage minors . . . he may even have tried the same stunt on other unfortunate victims.

But thanks to your mother you can now go to the police and rightly claim:

1. that you have been repeatedly assaulted sexually by this man;

2. that you left your home to escape his unwanted attentions;

3. that your mother has betrayed your confidence and given him your telephone number;

4. that you rightly fear that he will contact you by telephone, or worse, attempt to revive his unwanted sexual attentions personally;

5. that you are in fear for your personal safety and sanity;

6. that you want to get a court order prohibiting him from being anywhere within 100 km (60 miles) of your now home town.

The cow manure will hit the fan and you will have some protection.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Don although i've agreed totally with everything I've seen you post I'm afraid that to a point we don't with the lack of a wack at approprate time with limited power in the wack, my view of this talk to the child when they do wrong is crap in my view as you only have to see the total lack of respect by kids these days since this whole no spanking kids thing started....SAYING that limits to amount & strength of the spanking needs to be considered.
Children of the talk to chastise the child dosen't work in my view & I think the rise in child violent crime being commited is directly in line with the changes in what is meant to be acceptable in controlling the kids at home.
As all who have followed what I think about abuse know I HATE ABUSE but a wack at the right time does wonders, my own daughter recently told me about all the few times I had to punish her did her good & had no bad effects on her but made her a better person.

R/L breaks in here Gil . . . I will respond later . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

Don although i've agreed totally with everything I've seen you post I'm afraid that to a point we don't with the lack of a wack at approprate time with limited power in the wack, my view of this talk to the child when they do wrong is crap in my view as you only have to see the total lack of respect by kids these days since this whole no spanking kids thing started....SAYING that limits to amount & strength of the spanking needs to be considered.
Children of the talk to chastise the child dosen't work in my view & I think the rise in child violent crime being commited is directly in line with the changes in what is meant to be acceptable in controlling the kids at home.
As all who have followed what I think about abuse know I HATE ABUSE but a wack at the right time does wonders, my own daughter recently told me about all the few times I had to punish her did her good & had no bad effects on her but made her a better person.

Uhmmm . . . how does it go; "Spare the rod and spoil the child". There is a lot of good sense in that.

But sadly too many parents "Apply the rod and abuse the child" or just as bad, mentally abuse the child with threats and intimidation, which has just as bad or worse effect.

I guess the other principle is "Every thing in moderation", especially when raising kids.

 

[Gil_T2]

Uhmmm . . . how does it go; "Spare the rod and spoil the child". There is a lot of good sense in that.

But sadly too many parents "Apply the rod and abuse the child" or just as bad, mentally abuse the child with threats and intimidation, which has just as bad or worse effect.

I guess the other principle is "Every thing in moderation", especially when raising kids.

Well we are back to a total agreement position now DON maybe I misinterpreted your meaning in your earlier post.
I know only to well as my father never physically did anything but his actions left me with little self esteem with constant put downs etc.
I have only been involved in raising 3 children my daughter, my Ex wife's son & neighbour/sex partner's son who all were spanked but only one wack to get the point accross & no shouting or anything threatening & abusive and non of the spar the rod as obly hand is ever acceptable.

 

[sweet_marie]

Hi Marie,

OK . . . it is time to take the gloves off . . . with that sort of sabatage from your mother you need some state provided legal protection.

It is time for you to seriously consider reporting this low life to the state authorities and seeking a restrianing order to prevent him contacting you.

Now this will cause some ructions in your small town but he deserves them . . . his wife may or may not know of his proclivity for young underage minors . . . he may even have tried the same stunt on other unfortunate victims.

But thanks to your mother you can now go to the police and rightly claim:

1. that you have been repeatedly assaulted sexually by this man;

2. that you left your home to escape his unwanted attentions;

3. that your mother has betrayed your confidence and given him your telephone number;

4. that you rightly fear that he will contact you by telephone, or worse, attempt to revive his unwanted sexual attentions personally;

5. that you are in fear for your personal safety and sanity;

6. that you want to get a court order prohibiting him from being anywhere within 100 km (60 miles) of your now home town.

The cow manure will hit the fan and you will have some protection.

You're such a fighter! I usually am too, but with this one I just want to let it lie. I have tried in the past to discover what legal angles I might be able to follow, and what I have found is that

1. Even though I was isolated (ie never gone to any kind of public school or had any kind of socialization) so had the scocial conditioning of a 10 year old, I was 16 years old, and that puts it down to sexual battery. Only. In this country its easier to bring charges and get results for a suspected meth lab than it is to get someone to do something about something as "insignificant as sexual battery" unless you are Paris Hilton.

2. I was born on the "wrong side of the tracks"...yes even in N. Idaho there is that stigma. Has nothing to do with me, really, and a lot to do with my mother, but there it is. He is/was a pillar of the community. Bi-sexual as all get out, as I guessed from seeing him about 4 years ago passing at a graduation, but bi...and still a community figure. ug.

3. My uncle was the chief of police for 18 years up there (with only 1 drug bust in his career I'm aware of).....so needless to say that this whole thing happened while he was in office....the molesting asshole knew about it...and nothing was done for the sake of keeping everything quiet. Basically, my last name just jacks it up, through no fault of my own.

4. But I will talk to Alternatives to Violence, an agency down here, and see what they say and what might be done. And I'll talk to a couple police officeres in THIS state and see what they can do for a restraining order/harassment stuff.

So, I'm not blowing this off (ok, if I had the choice, I would) but its been so hopeless so far, its .....well. I 'll look into it. And that's all anyone can do, right?

Big hugs
Marie

 

[sweet_marie]

Well we are back to a total agreement position now DON maybe I misinterpreted your meaning in your earlier post.
I know only to well as my father never physically did anything but his actions left me with little self esteem with constant put downs etc.
I have only been involved in raising 3 children my daughter, my Ex wife's son & neighbour/sex partner's son who all were spanked but only one wack to get the point accross & no shouting or anything threatening & abusive and non of the spar the rod as obly hand is ever acceptable.

One thing I learned to do with my austistc boy that I couldn't, by definition, whack (because I was his tutor not his mom) was to get a wooden spoon and a hard surface and, only once in a while, give a really good whack on that hard surface when he was really being a pill. It got his attention and he started to listen.

Later on, when he started doing what I told him to without whacking the surface, and he was being a stinker (after he'd eaten, had a nap, gone potty) , I would make him stay in the middle of the room, where he could look at his toys and do nothing. I had to do that maybe once a month. Worked like a charm.

But you have to develop a bond first, I found. Otherwise, no way.

Marie

 

[sweet_marie]

No excuse as you can do your own version at home, just put some music on & do the belly dance thing till you have the time to go to a propper class.

Ok. Next paycheck, I'll even get the DVD I've been drooling over...let you know how it goes.

 

[Gil_T2]

Ok. Next paycheck, I'll even get the DVD I've been drooling over...let you know how it goes.

Would love to see while you dance too I think you'd look loverly.

 

[Gil_T2]

One thing I learned to do with my austistc boy that I couldn't, by definition, whack (because I was his tutor not his mom) was to get a wooden spoon and a hard surface and, only once in a while, give a really good whack on that hard surface when he was really being a pill. It got his attention and he started to listen.

Later on, when he started doing what I told him to without whacking the surface, and he was being a stinker (after he'd eaten, had a nap, gone potty) , I would make him stay in the middle of the room, where he could look at his toys and do nothing. I had to do that maybe once a month. Worked like a charm.

But you have to develop a bond first, I found. Otherwise, no way.

Marie

The spoon on the desk would have th same effect as a wack just for the shock value not to hurt them.

 

[Don K Dyck]

You're such a fighter! I usually am too, but with this one I just want to let it lie. I have tried in the past to discover what legal angles I might be able to follow, and what I have found is that

1. Even though I was isolated (ie never gone to any kind of public school or had any kind of socialization) so had the scocial conditioning of a 10 year old, I was 16 years old, and that puts it down to sexual battery. Only. In this country its easier to bring charges and get results for a suspected meth lab than it is to get someone to do something about something as "insignificant as sexual battery" unless you are Paris Hilton.

2. I was born on the "wrong side of the tracks"...yes even in N. Idaho there is that stigma. Has nothing to do with me, really, and a lot to do with my mother, but there it is. He is/was a pillar of the community. Bi-sexual as all get out, as I guessed from seeing him about 4 years ago passing at a graduation, but bi...and still a community figure. ug.

3. My uncle was the chief of police for 18 years up there (with only 1 drug bust in his career I'm aware of).....so needless to say that this whole thing happened while he was in office....the molesting asshole knew about it...and nothing was done for the sake of keeping everything quiet. Basically, my last name just jacks it up, through no fault of my own.

4. But I will talk to Alternatives to Violence, an agency down here, and see what they say and what might be done. And I'll talk to a couple police officeres in THIS state and see what they can do for a restraining order/harassment stuff.

So, I'm not blowing this off (ok, if I had the choice, I would) but its been so hopeless so far, its .....well. I 'll look into it. And that's all anyone can do, right?

Big hugs
Marie

Hi Marie,

You must have found leaving your family to be a great relief.

But as devil's Advocate for your uncle . . . did you actually tell him what was happening at the time?? Otherwise, he will sweep it under the carpet because it is just too hard . . .

So, have you considered telling him, even at this late stage?? . . .

It is a good idea to see the agency and your local police for advice . . . community figures are well known for their picadilloes . . .

. . . we had a "pillar of the church" with a taste for primary school kids, male and female . . . but a contribution to the chuch ensured that he was made a Papal knight . . .

Always remember that there is no excuse for physical or emotional abuse!! ever!!

Belly dancing is fabulous!! . . . when do we get the video of you performing in the fancy gear??

 

[Gil_T2]

You're such a fighter! I usually am too, but with this one I just want to let it lie. I have tried in the past to discover what legal angles I might be able to follow, and what I have found is that

1. Even though I was isolated (ie never gone to any kind of public school or had any kind of socialization) so had the scocial conditioning of a 10 year old, I was 16 years old, and that puts it down to sexual battery. Only. In this country its easier to bring charges and get results for a suspected meth lab than it is to get someone to do something about something as "insignificant as sexual battery" unless you are Paris Hilton.

2. I was born on the "wrong side of the tracks"...yes even in N. Idaho there is that stigma. Has nothing to do with me, really, and a lot to do with my mother, but there it is. He is/was a pillar of the community. Bi-sexual as all get out, as I guessed from seeing him about 4 years ago passing at a graduation, but bi...and still a community figure. ug.

3. My uncle was the chief of police for 18 years up there (with only 1 drug bust in his career I'm aware of).....so needless to say that this whole thing happened while he was in office....the molesting asshole knew about it...and nothing was done for the sake of keeping everything quiet. Basically, my last name just jacks it up, through no fault of my own.

4. But I will talk to Alternatives to Violence, an agency down here, and see what they say and what might be done. And I'll talk to a couple police officeres in THIS state and see what they can do for a restraining order/harassment stuff.

So, I'm not blowing this off (ok, if I had the choice, I would) but its been so hopeless so far, its .....well. I 'll look into it. And that's all anyone can do, right?

Big hugs
Marie

MARIE my feelings are that if you "BLOW IT OFF" they only see this as more reason they can do what they do to them it's a sign that you accept it although in fact your just in hope that it will go away.

A friend in Aussie recently had to make the stand as their abuser had become the legal gardian of a child, he took the step up & has stopped this preditor from getting his hands on another to abuse & all of us have stood firmly in support of him although he is a long way from us we do hold him as a very brave person for this massive effort he has made & this too is in a smallish community where everyone knows everyone.

 

[The Neon Wolf]

Marie: Don't let sleeping dragons lie in this case. If you just try to blow it off you won't be rid of this prick. I don't know about the police in your state but I know the local law enforcement around here is pretty good with restraining orders.

I know you can get through this hope all goes well, and if worse comes to worse, I have two vehicles I can get my hands on for a trip

 

[sweet_marie]

The spoon on the desk would have th same effect as a wack just for the shock value not to hurt them.

Which is exactly why I did it. It works on my dogs too. Glad you'd like to see me dance. Once I figure out why I have two left feet, maybe be doable! Lol
Marie