How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Stopping by to gently "BUMP, BUMP, BUMPITY, BUMP". Not doing so well so I won't be around much. If you want to find out what's going on you can PM or e-mail me and I'll share with you the happening.

Big caring hugs to a wonderful lady & hope the problems ease for you very soon,you are in our thoughts.

 

[bertrande]

bumpity bump - up you go

 

[Gil_T2]

bumpity bump - up you go

BUMPING with ya.

 

[Gil_T2]

Found some sites on abuse that i hope can help.

A Women's Guide to Emotional Abuse
Information and resources regarding abusive relationships, abusers,
victims, and healing.
http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/

ABUSE - What Is Abuse
http://www.toddlertime.com/abuse/index.htm

Abusive Relationships FAQ
FAQ on Abusive Relationships
http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/FAQ/1880

Rape Recovery Help & Info Page Hope for Healing
Find information & healing at Hope for Healing.org. The #1 website
for victims of rape, sexual assault or domestic violence.
http://www.hopeforhealing.org/

Reclaim Your Self
Recovery from the effects of sexual victimization is possible. This
manual has proven itself to be a valuable source of support and assistance
to many people. We are endeavoring to make it accessible and
affordable. We have strived to make it practical, easily read and respectful.
http://spaz.ca/aaron/billious/RCYS/

Resources for Sexual, Physical, Mental and Verbal Abuse
Resources for victims and survivors of sexual, physical, verbal,
emotional, mental, psychological and other forms of abuse.
http://open-mind.org/Directory/index.php?ax=list⊂=7&cat_id=7

Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Verbal Abuse
For sufferers, survivors of physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional
abuse. Expert information, support groups, chat, journals
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Abuse/Site/

 

[mortalwombat]

compliments

This is a wonderful thread Gil-I'm very impressed. Obviously it has helped and is helping alot of people out there-and you have alot of good advice to give as well. I've known alot of people that have been abused in one way or another over the years (myself included although until Don mentioned it on the aussie thread,I hadn't even thought of myself as abused-he's right though I was) and have always found the best way to deal with it is to listen compasionately to them and give a shoulder to cry on. Which is why my shoulder and ears ( and inbox and messenger)are always available to any of my friends, new or old. And also why I'll be following this thread and bumping it from time to time-like this! Once again well done and I look forward to meeting you and Bandit if i make it to Sydney.

 

[Gil_T2]

This is a wonderful thread Gil-I'm very impressed. Obviously it has helped and is helping alot of people out there-and you have alot of good advice to give as well. I've known alot of people that have been abused in one way or another over the years (myself included although until Don mentioned it on the aussie thread,I hadn't even thought of myself as abused-he's right though I was) and have always found the best way to deal with it is to listen compasionately to them and give a shoulder to cry on. Which is why my shoulder and ears ( and inbox and messenger)are always available to any of my friends, new or old. And also why I'll be following this thread and bumping it from time to time-like this! Once again well done and I look forward to meeting you and Bandit if i make it to Sydney.

WOMBAT it isn't so much me as it is everyone who jumps in to help like DON & we too look forward to meeting you in Sinful Sydney.

 

[mortalwombat]

this thread should be up near the top so *bump*

 

[Wolf_Song]

Havent been around in a while and passing through to give thread a bump and wish every one helping and being helped.. the best always

( grins and hugs for those wishing them )

 

[Gil_T2]

Havent been around in a while and passing through to give thread a bump and wish every one helping and being helped.. the best always

( grins and hugs for those wishing them )

Thanks for the bump & also to Wombat too, it would be nice to think this thread could die due to not being needed but sad to say not likely so hope anyone wanting to vent or post please come in.

 

[Bandit58]

I received a text message from my 17 year old daughter tonight...."Why did you marry Dad he's a bastard".....I'm going to phone her tomorrow morning I'm a little worried as to what's going on.

She knows he is a control freak, or she should she's lived with him for the past 3 years I haven't gone into details with her why I left and have tried not to say anything bad about him but maybe the scales are starting to fall off her eyes.......

 

[Bandit58]

LOL I made the phone call this morning - apparently Dad is seeing a woman that my daughter does not approve of

He was seeing her a few months ago and then he found out she was cheating so it ended. But now it's started up again and J is so not happy Jan!! This woman still has the other guy hanging around too and J's Dad has been seeing her quite often and talking about her and to top it all off she's coming out to the farm for the weekend......daughter is upset because Dad suddenly doesn't have as much time for her as he used to.

I told her to just let it go......her father will make his own mistakes as we all do, and if she is upset that the woman is coming out for the weekend perhaps she should go and stay with a friend. But my daughter is stubborn (now where does she get that from ) She's staying she says, she won't be pushed out of her own home I can just imagine her playing gooseberry.....

 

[Lyrical Fool]

*Takes a Deep Breath*

Wow. I just finished a 79 page thread on a porn site that may have very well changed my life.

I first discovered it three days ago, and couldn't get away from it.

And my head's so full now, I don't even know where to start. Yeah, I do. Thanks, Gil for starting the thread so long ago. Never know how the things you put in motion today will affect those in the future, eh? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen alike, for your stories, your progress reports, and your kind words to everyone. Every bit of it had an impact on me. (And, I have to admit, it was kind of cool seeing Gil's and Bandit's relationship progress)

And timing, well, I believe that nothing is coincidental. Everything happens as its meant to (even the horrible shit I can't explain). I've been in a mental storm the past couple of weeks, stuck back in my parents' house to be cared for after surgery, etc. and here I find myself today.

(I have no idea how this will turn out, or if it'll even be coherent...)

First of all, I'm 31 and female. Not sure if that's relevant at this point, but who knows. I never considered myself an abuse victim. That was something that happened "to other people." I work in an ER as a grunt, and I've seen horrible, horrible cases of abuse, sexual and physical in addition to other emergency horrors. I've been there long enough, on third shift, to while not be numb to it, to be able to tolerate the visuals of it. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't go home and cry every night.

But stuff would come up all the time...stuff that would tear my heart out. There were other issues, too, such as a friend who had "come out" as having been sexually abused as a kid. People cornering me, harrassing me, even touching me at work (a drunk patient, not a co-worker). All of these little things were happening and I couldn't fit it all together. I would go into a rage over the injustice, I would hold my friend's hand and mutter words of wisdom. And I felt so damn proud. I was helping people.

I had come out of a bad marriage, but that wasn't a big deal, right? Lots of people had "bad marriages." It's probably the norm these days, statistically wise. He didn't hit me; he didn't rape me. It was just a bad marriage. I had hit rock bottom when I left (or more accurately, was pushed out by a husband who wanted my parents to "fix me" and "return me" back to him) and I had begun the process of rebuilding myself. Losing weight, exploring spirituality, trying to overall take care of myself.

And I was so proud. I had survived a beneficial relationship that had ended; I was going on with my life, conquoring my fears, figuring out who I was. I had lived alone (my biggest fear at the time) for over 2 years and I had gotten to the point where I was *happy*. Not utterly fulfilled, still have so much I want to accomplish. But at peace in my aloneness. Accepting, maybe.

But then I had to come home to my parents' house for a couple of weeks while I recuperated from foot surgery. I was on percocet for three days...as soon as I wasn't hurting bad enough to take them, my head cleared, and I looked around me...how much I hated being there, in that house. How much I hated they way they were, how I hated myself when I was with them. And for a brief moment, I considered calling the pharmacy, saying I lost my prescription, and requesting a refill just so I could take them all at one time. In the span of a week, I had gone from happy with my purpose/place/progress in life to suicidal.

And then I started working on getting out of there. I came back to my house, painfully (it has stairs, which was the original argument for my staying there), and this thread caught my eye. And I started reading it. I read the entire thing.

And I started thinking about patterns. I started with my exhusband. My mother had always told me that he "abused" me mentally, but I never believed her. In truth, I always thought that she and my father had treated me much worse, so he couldn't have abused me, right? I look through the links at emotional blackmail, etc...and I realized, belatedly, she was right.

And then I thought about home. As a kid, I didn't "deserve" privacy, so as punishment, my parents would take my door off the hinges. They'd read my stuff (I've always been a writer, even when it was doodling), they'd throw away my stuff. Belittle me, nag me, play fucking mind games with me, it never, ever ended. Not so bad in itself, I guess, had it not set up a pattern for the next couple of decades of my life.

My first sexual experience at 17 was non-consensual. There's a lot of haziness around it (I don't remember everything, just his cock in me, getting rug burn on my ass, freezing, crying in the bathroom as I saw the blood on my thigh). I was so ashamed, so angry, hateful. I tried to tell my mother about it about a week later when she cornered me on my anti-social behavior
and she called me a whore and told me I got exactly what I deserved.

And I fucking believed her.

The next year I was almost raped at a party. I was trying out my flirting skills, wanted to kiss, and next thing I knew I was thrown on a bed with a big, big guy on top of me. I was so shocked, I froze, and couldn't call out. My best friend saved me by continually coming in the room, eventually reading the Bible outloud about hell and damnation. The guy finally got up and left, mad.

By an odd twist of fate, I met a very sweet, gentle man who was my first love. He went into the Army and came out a monster. He was home on leave and put a gun to my head to see if I'd piss my pants (which I did.) Sex after that was embarrassing, unresponsive on my part. But I kept doing it because it was my boyfriend and I "had to."

I had a relationship with a guy who anally raped me ("Oops wrong hole") coerced me into having a threesome I didn't want, and played mind games like crazy. It ended when his grandmother died, and I stood up for myself.

I had another relationship with a decent guy who couldn't tell me he loved me. He was too normal, didn't play games, wouldn't put up with my shit. But because he didn't say "I love you," I left him.

Another guy who "didn't mean to put it in" while messing around.

Another guy who fucked me while I was passed out drunk. I came to with his dick in me, a washcloth to my face as he wiped vomit from the night before off.

Another guy who harrassed me at work for over a year...word games, mind games, damn near stalking. Talking about S&M, how I needed a "Master." I froze, ran from him, hid.

Another guy, a patient, who put his hands on my breasts and I froze. Again.

And my last incident, in March of this year, with someone who emotionally blackmailed me into having sex with him.

And I finally connect the dots, realize the pattern, etc. and I'm lost. It seems like everything I knew about myself was false, but I know (logically) that's not true. I had started recognizing patterns, tried to change them, but this one is so damn obvious that it takes my breath away.

How could I not have seen this before? I'm 31 years old and I just NOW see it?? How stupid could I have been? I considered myself self aware, and this just blew that whole theory out of the water.

Even now, I feel stupid, and ashamed, and moronic for putting myself in those situations. It's simply cause and effect. Maybe "abuse" is a label I'm holding onto because I don't want to take personal responsibility. Even now it doesn't seem to fit me. I don't know what fits me.

I don't know where I am, just that my whole foundation seemed to be taken out from under me.

I've read the stories...hell, I've SEEN the stories. And what I've "been through" is nothing compared to that...how can I even think it's nearly the same thing?

I'm so sorry this is so long, and I've been mostly rambling through it all. Just had to get it out after reading all of this.

I'm lost. But I'll find myself sooner or later. I always do.

 

[Quoll]

Lyrical, what a courageous thing you have done.
Abuse is abuse, it's how you feel, don't compare it to others, don't think it is any less, simply because others have had worse, You were abused and badly, on many occassions, and nobody has the right to do that to another peson.

Abuse is something that is done to you, you did not invite it, it is impossible to put yourself in a position where abuse wont happen.
Abuse is an act perpetrated on you by someone who chooses to inflict pain, physical or mental on another person, don't blame yourself for their actions.
That seems to be something most abusers are very good at, shifting the blame from themselves onto their victims.
Please remember abuse was their choice not yours.
You have taken a huge step by pouring out your feelings on this thread.
Please don't give up on yourself.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

Thank you so much. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, even after having read the responses that folks had to others' stories.

What's so damn ironic about the whole situation is that I have COUNSELLED abused men and women. Not in a professional capacity, but as a friend who has always had a very strong interest in psychology. All of the things I've told them don't seem to fit me. They don't seem right, seem honest. Now I wonder how they felt when I said them.

Suddenly I'm scared. Scared at who will find out (since I use this posting name on a couple of other boards), scared of...I don't know. Scared of people who will see through me. Maybe it's been apparent to everyone all along?

How much does it really change, anyway? My behavior was the same before and after this realization...I just have more insight into the why of it.

I just feel like a fraud. I have progressed so much since I left my husband...so much. Did things I never thought I'd be able to...but now I feel like I'm 17 again, crying in the bathroom, right after the fact.

I have a "friend" (one of those special, and yet, long distanced friends) who asked me why on earth I browsed a porn board. I don't get into "describe this sexual thing" threads, and, in truth, have posted very little although I read a lot. I told him I didn't know.

I guess now I do.

God moves in mysterious ways, even on a porn board.

 

[Quoll]

Thank you so much. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, even after having read the responses that folks had to others' stories.

What's so damn ironic about the whole situation is that I have COUNSELLED abused men and women. Not in a professional capacity, but as a friend who has always had a very strong interest in psychology. All of the things I've told them don't seem to fit me. They don't seem right, seem honest. Now I wonder how they felt when I said them.

Suddenly I'm scared. Scared at who will find out (since I use this posting name on a couple of other boards), scared of...I don't know. Scared of people who will see through me. Maybe it's been apparent to everyone all along?

How much does it really change, anyway? My behavior was the same before and after this realization...I just have more insight into the why of it.

I just feel like a fraud. I have progressed so much since I left my husband...so much. Did things I never thought I'd be able to...but now I feel like I'm 17 again, crying in the bathroom, right after the fact.

I have a "friend" (one of those special, and yet, long distanced friends) who asked me why on earth I browsed a porn board. I don't get into "describe this sexual thing" threads, and, in truth, have posted very little although I read a lot. I told him I didn't know.

I guess now I do.

God moves in mysterious ways, even on a porn board.

If you have worked with abuse victims you KNOW that self blame is one of the hardest hurdles to overcome and it definitely applies to you too.
It doesn't matter where you were or what you were doing, it doesn't give anyone the right to inflict harm on you.

I think as a porn board lit sucks pretty bad as a helping community it is great.

Another thread that has lots of info particularly on how abuse affects your life and feelings is the "pondering serious thoughts" one in my sig, although after spending three days reading this thread perhaps a break might be needed.

I'll quote myself from that thread.

Does abuse in childhood shape our sexuality.
I think anything in childhood can shape our sexuality/personality.
This is something that cannot be escaped, we are a product of our environment and our psyche.

We all have our likes and dislikes, they all come from somewhere, whether they be out there or the norm, (if someone can explain the difference of these terms in relation to the people living them I`d be much obliged)
(okay, one persons kink is another persons normal)

The real problem as I see it, is how we deal with these feelings, whether we accept that they are part of us regardless of where they come from, or whether we try to fight them because of where we think they came from.

My opinion, you are you, if you enjoy something that causes no harm, then it is your right. If you think these feelings came from a bad place, embrace them, make them yours, make them a good place, don`t let the bastards win.

One of the biggest crimes from abuse (and there are so many) to me is the feeling of betrayal towards your own body. "What was done to me was so wrong, how could I have enjoyed that." "Why did it feel so nice" " I must be to blame, my body responded with pleasure"

Now read back over some of these posts and see how many said " I just shut off" "I wasn`t there when it happened " " I just closed my eyes and pretended it wasn`t happening" and so much more.

The body and mind are seperate. The body is designed to respond to stimuli whether the mind wants to or not.

Try holding your hand over a candle and demand with your mind not to feel pain.

Try eating your favourite food and tell yourself not to enjoy it.

Try pleasuring yourself sexually without enjoying it.

The body responds exactly the way it should, your body did not betray you.
Your mind said stop, you did not betray yourself.

The betrayal lies wholly with the abuser, any sort of abuse. This is a choice they make. A choice to destroy, violate, demean or just plain hate.

If just once, even for a second, you did not want any of this, then you are not to blame..

Keep posting, you are not alone there are many here that will do whatever they can to help you.

 

[Bandit58]

Wow. I just finished a 79 page thread on a porn site that may have very well changed my life.

I first discovered it three days ago, and couldn't get away from it.

And my head's so full now, I don't even know where to start. Yeah, I do. Thanks, Gil for starting the thread so long ago. Never know how the things you put in motion today will affect those in the future, eh? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen alike, for your stories, your progress reports, and your kind words to everyone. Every bit of it had an impact on me. (And, I have to admit, it was kind of cool seeing Gil's and Bandit's relationship progress)

And timing, well, I believe that nothing is coincidental. Everything happens as its meant to (even the horrible shit I can't explain). I've been in a mental storm the past couple of weeks, stuck back in my parents' house to be cared for after surgery, etc. and here I find myself today.

(I have no idea how this will turn out, or if it'll even be coherent...)

First of all, I'm 31 and female. Not sure if that's relevant at this point, but who knows. I never considered myself an abuse victim. That was something that happened "to other people." I work in an ER as a grunt, and I've seen horrible, horrible cases of abuse, sexual and physical in addition to other emergency horrors. I've been there long enough, on third shift, to while not be numb to it, to be able to tolerate the visuals of it. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't go home and cry every night.

But stuff would come up all the time...stuff that would tear my heart out. There were other issues, too, such as a friend who had "come out" as having been sexually abused as a kid. People cornering me, harrassing me, even touching me at work (a drunk patient, not a co-worker). All of these little things were happening and I couldn't fit it all together. I would go into a rage over the injustice, I would hold my friend's hand and mutter words of wisdom. And I felt so damn proud. I was helping people.

I had come out of a bad marriage, but that wasn't a big deal, right? Lots of people had "bad marriages." It's probably the norm these days, statistically wise. He didn't hit me; he didn't rape me. It was just a bad marriage. I had hit rock bottom when I left (or more accurately, was pushed out by a husband who wanted my parents to "fix me" and "return me" back to him) and I had begun the process of rebuilding myself. Losing weight, exploring spirituality, trying to overall take care of myself.

And I was so proud. I had survived a beneficial relationship that had ended; I was going on with my life, conquoring my fears, figuring out who I was. I had lived alone (my biggest fear at the time) for over 2 years and I had gotten to the point where I was *happy*. Not utterly fulfilled, still have so much I want to accomplish. But at peace in my aloneness. Accepting, maybe.

But then I had to come home to my parents' house for a couple of weeks while I recuperated from foot surgery. I was on percocet for three days...as soon as I wasn't hurting bad enough to take them, my head cleared, and I looked around me...how much I hated being there, in that house. How much I hated they way they were, how I hated myself when I was with them. And for a brief moment, I considered calling the pharmacy, saying I lost my prescription, and requesting a refill just so I could take them all at one time. In the span of a week, I had gone from happy with my purpose/place/progress in life to suicidal.

And then I started working on getting out of there. I came back to my house, painfully (it has stairs, which was the original argument for my staying there), and this thread caught my eye. And I started reading it. I read the entire thing.

And I started thinking about patterns. I started with my exhusband. My mother had always told me that he "abused" me mentally, but I never believed her. In truth, I always thought that she and my father had treated me much worse, so he couldn't have abused me, right? I look through the links at emotional blackmail, etc...and I realized, belatedly, she was right.

And then I thought about home. As a kid, I didn't "deserve" privacy, so as punishment, my parents would take my door off the hinges. They'd read my stuff (I've always been a writer, even when it was doodling), they'd throw away my stuff. Belittle me, nag me, play fucking mind games with me, it never, ever ended. Not so bad in itself, I guess, had it not set up a pattern for the next couple of decades of my life.

My first sexual experience at 17 was non-consensual. There's a lot of haziness around it (I don't remember everything, just his cock in me, getting rug burn on my ass, freezing, crying in the bathroom as I saw the blood on my thigh). I was so ashamed, so angry, hateful. I tried to tell my mother about it about a week later when she cornered me on my anti-social behavior
and she called me a whore and told me I got exactly what I deserved.

And I fucking believed her.

The next year I was almost raped at a party. I was trying out my flirting skills, wanted to kiss, and next thing I knew I was thrown on a bed with a big, big guy on top of me. I was so shocked, I froze, and couldn't call out. My best friend saved me by continually coming in the room, eventually reading the Bible outloud about hell and damnation. The guy finally got up and left, mad.

By an odd twist of fate, I met a very sweet, gentle man who was my first love. He went into the Army and came out a monster. He was home on leave and put a gun to my head to see if I'd piss my pants (which I did.) Sex after that was embarrassing, unresponsive on my part. But I kept doing it because it was my boyfriend and I "had to."

I had a relationship with a guy who anally raped me ("Oops wrong hole") coerced me into having a threesome I didn't want, and played mind games like crazy. It ended when his grandmother died, and I stood up for myself.

I had another relationship with a decent guy who couldn't tell me he loved me. He was too normal, didn't play games, wouldn't put up with my shit. But because he didn't say "I love you," I left him.

Another guy who "didn't mean to put it in" while messing around.

Another guy who fucked me while I was passed out drunk. I came to with his dick in me, a washcloth to my face as he wiped vomit from the night before off.

Another guy who harrassed me at work for over a year...word games, mind games, damn near stalking. Talking about S&M, how I needed a "Master." I froze, ran from him, hid.

Another guy, a patient, who put his hands on my breasts and I froze. Again.

And my last incident, in March of this year, with someone who emotionally blackmailed me into having sex with him.

And I finally connect the dots, realize the pattern, etc. and I'm lost. It seems like everything I knew about myself was false, but I know (logically) that's not true. I had started recognizing patterns, tried to change them, but this one is so damn obvious that it takes my breath away.

How could I not have seen this before? I'm 31 years old and I just NOW see it?? How stupid could I have been? I considered myself self aware, and this just blew that whole theory out of the water.

Even now, I feel stupid, and ashamed, and moronic for putting myself in those situations. It's simply cause and effect. Maybe "abuse" is a label I'm holding onto because I don't want to take personal responsibility. Even now it doesn't seem to fit me. I don't know what fits me.

I don't know where I am, just that my whole foundation seemed to be taken out from under me.

I've read the stories...hell, I've SEEN the stories. And what I've "been through" is nothing compared to that...how can I even think it's nearly the same thing?

I'm so sorry this is so long, and I've been mostly rambling through it all. Just had to get it out after reading all of this.

I'm lost. But I'll find myself sooner or later. I always do.

I never thought I was being abused either, it took someone online to point it out to me, someone who I'd never met but who opened my eyes to what was damaging me both mentally and physically. My ex husband never hit me but he tore down what little self esteem I had and I'm still having problems with it. I'm not a very confident person sometimes.

I did heaps of reading when I was on my own and had time to think. I used to wonder what made him do it, why nothing I did seemed to be good enough, why he felt that the things I liked to do weren't important. Why did he put me down, why did he not seem to care?

Then I realised it wasn't me. I was blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault. I married the wrong person and paid for it for 23 years. Hell murderers don't stay in prison that long sometimes! I read some sites on emotional abuse and the lights came on. I had been emotionally abused for years and did not realise it.

I'd switched my emotions off years ago. He would never show me affection even though I tried early on to hold his hand or be close to him in public he would pull away. He'd only touch me when he wanted sex. Which to me was a total waste of time because he'd just go for the boobs, a few gropes between the legs and then in he'd go, thrust for a few mins and that was it. When he found out I masturbated he was angry because he thought I should wait to have sex with him if I was horny My god the arrogance..... This man was my first sexual partner and I didn't know what sex should be or could be with the right partner..... He even raped me once when he was drunk.....gee if I'd only had the courage to get rid of him then!

I used to cry when he accused me of being frigid, and I'd give in because I wanted security and love and that seemed to be the way to get it. But over the years the tears dried up and I stopped caring.....I had fantasies hoping he'd have an accident and be killed and I'd be rid of him. Sounds awful and callous but that's the way I was then. I wanted someone to take it all out of my hands.

Now I can't believe I did not see it before, because I know now what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and cares about me

{{{{{{{Gil }}}}}}}

I'm glad the thread has helped you I came close to deleting my story when I first posted it - but turned the computer off before I chickened out I'm glad I left it now, if my story has helped just one person change their life I'm happy. It certainly changed mine for the better

 

[mortalwombat]

Wow. I just finished a 79 page thread on a porn site that may have very well changed my life.



I'm lost. But I'll find myself sooner or later. I always do.

I have to admire you lyrical-you are a brave woman to make a post as honest as this. I have realised recently that sometimes you dont recognise abuse for what it is or was at the time. not being as courageous as you i didn't post my story and not many people know it as i tend to keep to myself, but it's only a week or 2 since the penny droped that i was a victim of abuse (although nothing like as bad as what you've lived through), physical and mental (and a little sexual which i didn't mention in my first post on this thread), for most of my teen years. I always knew it was a difficult childhood but hadn't actually linked it to abuse. my point is i understand why you took so long for the penny to drop. i've always said i'm over all that and it didn't affect me later but i was wrong on both counts-i've been watching my behavior and alot of the negative stuff can be traced back to then. still-now we have both admitted the problem we can try to deal with it. still-i do have some positive attributes to my personality that can be linked from back then. like you i am there for when people need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to-i actually enjoy it when people talk to me about their problems, it gives me a feeling of self worth that i dont usually have. there are other things-but i think the best way to look at it is your envirement and history helps mould you into the person you are today-i've had a long hard look at myself and generally i think i turned out ok. i'm not going to try to give you any advice on how you should deal with it all except this-while you have to learn to deal with the negatives, look at yourself and find what you like about you. you've already said you act as a counsellor to people-that would be 1 good thing i'm guessing-there's bound to be more. feel free to pm myself or i'm sure anyone else on this thread if you need a friendly ear.
David

 

[Private_Label]

Suddenly I'm scared. Scared at who will find out (since I use this posting name on a couple of other boards), scared of...I don't know. Scared of people who will see through me. Maybe it's been apparent to everyone all along?

You would be surprised how much even the people closest to us miss of our inner emotions. I don't think any of my family understand how close to a suicide statistic I once was at 15. Even if I told them, I don't think they would actually believe me - they have difficulty enough trying to understand my chronic depression.

There are thousands of screen names and yours could very well be used by other people in other places. Because it is not your "name" but a nickname, a handle, and there is no picture of your face, you have denyability - plus the fact that what person would ask a coworker or casual aquaintance if they post on a "porn board?" Think about that for a moment then laugh. Even if they recognise you they would never in a million years admit to anyone that they saw you here. Your secret identity is safe with us!

How much does it really change, anyway? My behavior was the same before and after this realization...I just have more insight into the why of it.

The changes are all in subtile ways. Because I understand the emotions that pushed me to taking a lot of pills when I was 15 (I shudder to think of how close I actually came to taking a lethal dose of asprin) I will NEVER EVER scrap that low in the depression barrel again. I will never have the impulse to kill myself again. Does it affect how I live the rest of my life - not really, but it is an important change none the less. I have learned how to recognize the start of my depression and get treatment for it right away, instead of letting it build up. I still react to events and things in a similar - it's the way my personality is wired I guess. At least I understand my reactions and can direct the effects a little bit better.

I just feel like a fraud. I have progressed so much since I left my husband...so much. Did things I never thought I'd be able to...but now I feel like I'm 17 again, crying in the bathroom, right after the fact.

((hugs)) ((pats your hair)) Ssshhh... You have accomplished so much - including this recent revelation. If you hadn't come so far, you would have never realized your own hurt. This too is forward progress, even if it does not look like it at this time.

I have a "friend" (one of those special, and yet, long distanced friends) who asked me why on earth I browsed a porn board. I don't get into "describe this sexual thing" threads, and, in truth, have posted very little although I read a lot. I told him I didn't know.

I guess now I do.

God moves in mysterious ways, even on a porn board.

Everyone is curious. I'm certain your friend browses porn too - just doesn't want to admit it.

 

[Gil_T2]

BANDIT told me of Lyrical Fool's post here (read it out to me) & thought I'd come in to post but reading through the caring posts of the other I'm left with little to say apart from ABUSE is never the victims fault regardless of anything your done.

One question:do you feel easier now your got it out there (for your own mind that is)
Many have said once they posted their story it lifted a their spirits a little.

As WOMBAT said if you wish please feel free to PM any of us
& we'll do all we can for you even if it's just letting you vent on us.



Warm caring hugs.

 

[bertrande]

BANDIT told me of Lyrical Fool's post here (read it out to me) & thought I'd come in to post but reading through the caring posts of the other I'm left with little to say apart from ABUSE is never the victims fault regardless of anything your done.

One question:do you feel easier now your got it out there (for your own mind that is)
Many have said once they posted their story it lifted a their spirits a little.

As WOMBAT said if you wish please feel free to PM any of us
& we'll do all we can for you even if it's just letting you vent on us.



Warm caring hugs.

Well Done Lyrical Fool - you have done the hardest part, admitting to yourself and others.

I agree with all of the responses posted so far and as has been stated please PM if you want to.


Even though inside my head I knew about my abusive relationships (not the doctor that abused me) it took me a long time to find the inner strength to deal with it all. I truly believe that when I was strong enough something - fate, higher power, conscience (whatever you want to call it) - helped me to recognise the right time to deal with it.

Take things one step at a time - seek help in any way you need to: friends, lit members, psychs, counsellors, abuse helplines or groups - anything thay you find useful.

Take care and remember it's not your fault - and not all the world is evil. There are some wonderful people out there who will love you for who you are.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Wow. I just finished a 79 page thread on a porn site that may have very well changed my life.

I first discovered it three days ago, and couldn't get away from it.

And my head's so full now, I don't even know where to start. Yeah, I do. Thanks, Gil for starting the thread so long ago. Never know how the things you put in motion today will affect those in the future, eh? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen alike, for your stories, your progress reports, and your kind words to everyone. Every bit of it had an impact on me. (And, I have to admit, it was kind of cool seeing Gil's and Bandit's relationship progress)

And timing, well, I believe that nothing is coincidental. Everything happens as its meant to (even the horrible shit I can't explain). I've been in a mental storm the past couple of weeks, stuck back in my parents' house to be cared for after surgery, etc. and here I find myself today.

(I have no idea how this will turn out, or if it'll even be coherent...)

First of all, I'm 31 and female. Not sure if that's relevant at this point, but who knows. I never considered myself an abuse victim. That was something that happened "to other people." I work in an ER as a grunt, and I've seen horrible, horrible cases of abuse, sexual and physical in addition to other emergency horrors. I've been there long enough, on third shift, to while not be numb to it, to be able to tolerate the visuals of it. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't go home and cry every night.

But stuff would come up all the time...stuff that would tear my heart out. There were other issues, too, such as a friend who had "come out" as having been sexually abused as a kid. People cornering me, harrassing me, even touching me at work (a drunk patient, not a co-worker). All of these little things were happening and I couldn't fit it all together. I would go into a rage over the injustice, I would hold my friend's hand and mutter words of wisdom. And I felt so damn proud. I was helping people.

I had come out of a bad marriage, but that wasn't a big deal, right? Lots of people had "bad marriages." It's probably the norm these days, statistically wise. He didn't hit me; he didn't rape me. It was just a bad marriage. I had hit rock bottom when I left (or more accurately, was pushed out by a husband who wanted my parents to "fix me" and "return me" back to him) and I had begun the process of rebuilding myself. Losing weight, exploring spirituality, trying to overall take care of myself.

And I was so proud. I had survived a beneficial relationship that had ended; I was going on with my life, conquoring my fears, figuring out who I was. I had lived alone (my biggest fear at the time) for over 2 years and I had gotten to the point where I was *happy*. Not utterly fulfilled, still have so much I want to accomplish. But at peace in my aloneness. Accepting, maybe.

But then I had to come home to my parents' house for a couple of weeks while I recuperated from foot surgery. I was on percocet for three days...as soon as I wasn't hurting bad enough to take them, my head cleared, and I looked around me...how much I hated being there, in that house. How much I hated they way they were, how I hated myself when I was with them. And for a brief moment, I considered calling the pharmacy, saying I lost my prescription, and requesting a refill just so I could take them all at one time. In the span of a week, I had gone from happy with my purpose/place/progress in life to suicidal.

And then I started working on getting out of there. I came back to my house, painfully (it has stairs, which was the original argument for my staying there), and this thread caught my eye. And I started reading it. I read the entire thing.

And I started thinking about patterns. I started with my exhusband. My mother had always told me that he "abused" me mentally, but I never believed her. In truth, I always thought that she and my father had treated me much worse, so he couldn't have abused me, right? I look through the links at emotional blackmail, etc...and I realized, belatedly, she was right.

And then I thought about home. As a kid, I didn't "deserve" privacy, so as punishment, my parents would take my door off the hinges. They'd read my stuff (I've always been a writer, even when it was doodling), they'd throw away my stuff. Belittle me, nag me, play fucking mind games with me, it never, ever ended. Not so bad in itself, I guess, had it not set up a pattern for the next couple of decades of my life.

My first sexual experience at 17 was non-consensual. There's a lot of haziness around it (I don't remember everything, just his cock in me, getting rug burn on my ass, freezing, crying in the bathroom as I saw the blood on my thigh). I was so ashamed, so angry, hateful. I tried to tell my mother about it about a week later when she cornered me on my anti-social behavior
and she called me a whore and told me I got exactly what I deserved.

And I fucking believed her.

The next year I was almost raped at a party. I was trying out my flirting skills, wanted to kiss, and next thing I knew I was thrown on a bed with a big, big guy on top of me. I was so shocked, I froze, and couldn't call out. My best friend saved me by continually coming in the room, eventually reading the Bible outloud about hell and damnation. The guy finally got up and left, mad.

By an odd twist of fate, I met a very sweet, gentle man who was my first love. He went into the Army and came out a monster. He was home on leave and put a gun to my head to see if I'd piss my pants (which I did.) Sex after that was embarrassing, unresponsive on my part. But I kept doing it because it was my boyfriend and I "had to."

I had a relationship with a guy who anally raped me ("Oops wrong hole") coerced me into having a threesome I didn't want, and played mind games like crazy. It ended when his grandmother died, and I stood up for myself.

I had another relationship with a decent guy who couldn't tell me he loved me. He was too normal, didn't play games, wouldn't put up with my shit. But because he didn't say "I love you," I left him.

Another guy who "didn't mean to put it in" while messing around.

Another guy who fucked me while I was passed out drunk. I came to with his dick in me, a washcloth to my face as he wiped vomit from the night before off.

Another guy who harrassed me at work for over a year...word games, mind games, damn near stalking. Talking about S&M, how I needed a "Master." I froze, ran from him, hid.

Another guy, a patient, who put his hands on my breasts and I froze. Again.

And my last incident, in March of this year, with someone who emotionally blackmailed me into having sex with him.

And I finally connect the dots, realize the pattern, etc. and I'm lost. It seems like everything I knew about myself was false, but I know (logically) that's not true. I had started recognizing patterns, tried to change them, but this one is so damn obvious that it takes my breath away.

How could I not have seen this before? I'm 31 years old and I just NOW see it?? How stupid could I have been? I considered myself self aware, and this just blew that whole theory out of the water.

Even now, I feel stupid, and ashamed, and moronic for putting myself in those situations. It's simply cause and effect. Maybe "abuse" is a label I'm holding onto because I don't want to take personal responsibility. Even now it doesn't seem to fit me. I don't know what fits me.

I don't know where I am, just that my whole foundation seemed to be taken out from under me.

I've read the stories...hell, I've SEEN the stories. And what I've "been through" is nothing compared to that...how can I even think it's nearly the same thing?

I'm so sorry this is so long, and I've been mostly rambling through it all. Just had to get it out after reading all of this.

I'm lost. But I'll find myself sooner or later. I always do.

Hi Lyrical . . . Congratulations on being a survivor. Winners are the ones who get up one more time than they are knocked down.

Congratulations for recognising that there has been abuse in your life, and that YOU were the target of that abuse. From parents, lovers, husbands and other unworthies.

I would only comment on your mother . . . it would be reasonable to presume, based only on your evidence above, that your mother regretted that she had lost her whipping girl to a person she felt was less capable of inflicting damage than herself.

But all THAT is behind you now . . . YOU have taken the first courageous step forward into the life that YOU want for YOU.

It is now time to start thinking about what you want in relationships with other people, especially any S/O (significant other) or partner. Then of course, ther eiare later questions and plans for career etc.

The way forward may often be "one step forward, two steps back" but believe it or not, it will be progress. This forward progression will be assisted by keeping touch with this thread and people who come into your life now that you are ready to be responsible for making your life the way that you want.

Keep up the good work!!

 

[Lyrical Fool]

Wow. All these great responses, and I, with only a moment to answer.

(Hurricane Katrina's coming in soon, and I still have so much to wrap up...I wanted to do it yesterday, but was so drained)

Don:

Hi Lyrical . . . Congratulations on being a survivor. Winners are the ones who get up one more time than they are knocked down.

Never really considered myself a winner, but I do know the getting up concept. Seems like I'm the proverbial phoenix. I just fear that one day I won't be able to get up.

Congratulations for recognising that there has been abuse in your life, and that YOU were the target of that abuse. From parents, lovers, husbands and other unworthies.

I loved that. Unworthies.

I would only comment on your mother . . . it would be reasonable to presume, based only on your evidence above, that your mother regretted that she had lost her whipping girl to a person she felt was less capable of inflicting damage than herself.

I don't think it was ever conscious on her part. I see her relationship with her dad (my grandfather) and he plays the same games, only my mother's a lot more intelligent and is far more devious. But I ran from my parents' house when I was 23 to live 1600 miles away with someone I knew wasn't all that good a match because I was that determined to get away. Good idea, wrong excecution. My dad does it to her, she does it to us. I think it's just dealing with her own pain, lashing out, trying to control things because the number of things she can actually control are few, she latches tightly onto the things she can. (And a pattern I've recently discovered in my own life).

It is now time to start thinking about what you want in relationships with other people, especially any S/O (significant other) or partner. Then of course, ther eiare later questions and plans for career etc.

I'm dealing with paying off debts and such now. I recently (well, on and off since November that was finalized in March) had a long term relationship end, and while it wasn't my "ideal," it was perfect for me at the time. There were negative aspects to it -- he, too, was emotionally manipulative. But he truly cared for me, and I can take the good parts, learn from them (and the bad parts too) and move on. I thought I'd be ready to date again, but I don't think so. Have too much other stuff that needs to be done, including expanding a basic social circle.

The way forward may often be "one step forward, two steps back" but believe it or not, it will be progress.

That's the story of my life, Don. I'm well used to that. Just gotta make sure I don't get caught up taking too many steps backwards.



Bertrande:

I truly believe that when I was strong enough something - fate, higher power, conscience (whatever you want to call it) - helped me to recognise the right time to deal with it.

Timing is everything. I was in counselnig when I first came home (Feb 2003) with the best therapist I'd ever found. TIMING is everything. Looking back, I can see how he was subtly pushing me toward this concept, but I was too stuck on how broken *I* was, how sad *I* was, etc., that I couldn't see it.

Considering that I just "let the penny drop" so to speak yesterday, I'm going to take some time to process it before I decide what to do with counseling, etc. I'm still paying off unsuccessful therapy bills from last year.


Gil:

One question:do you feel easier now your got it out there (for your own mind that is)
Many have said once they posted their story it lifted a their spirits a little.

Once the earth stopped shaking, yes. And I realize that, while it really wasn't my fault, I did keep seeking to replay old patterns, etc., by putting myself in those situations. So now I just have to figure out HOW I put myself in them (not so clear as it would seem, I think) and stop it. That's going to be the hard part.

( for starting the thread!)

Private Label:

There are thousands of screen names and yours could very well be used by other people in other places. Because it is not your "name" but a nickname, a handle, and there is no picture of your face, you have denyability - plus the fact that what person would ask a coworker or casual aquaintance if they post on a "porn board?" Think about that for a moment then laugh. Even if they recognise you they would never in a million years admit to anyone that they saw you here. Your secret identity is safe with us.

Actually, you underestimate the freaky nature of hospital staff. But yes, your point is taken. I'm anonymous here on the huge web, and yet...I have those people who have similar interests (including erotica) who might know...and it still makes my heart flutter. I actually run my own general message board and I'm panicking at the thought of any one of those people finding out. And I'm not sure why.

Because I understand the emotions that pushed me to taking a lot of pills when I was 15 (I shudder to think of how close I actually came to taking a lethal dose of asprin) I will NEVER EVER scrap that low in the depression barrel again. I will never have the impulse to kill myself again.

The final straw in my exhusband's decision to ship me off was when he found me on the bathroom floor having tried to kill myself with some pain medicine. I swore I'd never be to that point again. And I guess I haven't, really, seeing as I've never acted on it. But I was that low two weeks ago, give or take, and that scares me, because I thought I had long, long passed the stage where it was even a thought.

This too is forward progress, even if it does not look like it at this time.

Very little of my progress has been pain-free. But the winds of change are rarely gentle, and are more often of hurricane-force

Speaking of which, I so need to wind this up. Spent more time than I intended to, but I hate not responding to everyone who took the time to reply.

MortalWombat: Yes, I need to be needed, and hate when it's gone. I'm not sure if it's co-dependency or what. I'm trying to cure my need to be a hero as we speak, since I've often done it to the point of self-sabotaging.

Bandit: I'm so very glad you didn't delete your story. I've watched your progress in three days (*laugh*) and you've come incredibly far. It's inspiring.

Quoll: I read the other thread...and loved the part you quoted. Thank you, thank you.

Looks like the storm's going to hit pretty hard, and we're right in target range for it, so I'm going to run for now. Thanks to Cate, this is a subscribed thread, and I will be back.

(( Everyone ))

 

[Gil_T2]

Wow. All these great responses, and I, with only a moment to answer.

(Hurricane Katrina's coming in soon, and I still have so much to wrap up...I wanted to do it yesterday, but was so drained)

Don:

Never really considered myself a winner, but I do know the getting up concept. Seems like I'm the proverbial phoenix. I just fear that one day I won't be able to get up.



I loved that. Unworthies.



I don't think it was ever conscious on her part. I see her relationship with her dad (my grandfather) and he plays the same games, only my mother's a lot more intelligent and is far more devious. But I ran from my parents' house when I was 23 to live 1600 miles away with someone I knew wasn't all that good a match because I was that determined to get away. Good idea, wrong excecution. My dad does it to her, she does it to us. I think it's just dealing with her own pain, lashing out, trying to control things because the number of things she can actually control are few, she latches tightly onto the things she can. (And a pattern I've recently discovered in my own life).



I'm dealing with paying off debts and such now. I recently (well, on and off since November that was finalized in March) had a long term relationship end, and while it wasn't my "ideal," it was perfect for me at the time. There were negative aspects to it -- he, too, was emotionally manipulative. But he truly cared for me, and I can take the good parts, learn from them (and the bad parts too) and move on. I thought I'd be ready to date again, but I don't think so. Have too much other stuff that needs to be done, including expanding a basic social circle.



That's the story of my life, Don. I'm well used to that. Just gotta make sure I don't get caught up taking too many steps backwards.



Bertrande:

Timing is everything. I was in counselnig when I first came home (Feb 2003) with the best therapist I'd ever found. TIMING is everything. Looking back, I can see how he was subtly pushing me toward this concept, but I was too stuck on how broken *I* was, how sad *I* was, etc., that I couldn't see it.

Considering that I just "let the penny drop" so to speak yesterday, I'm going to take some time to process it before I decide what to do with counseling, etc. I'm still paying off unsuccessful therapy bills from last year.


Gil:

Once the earth stopped shaking, yes. And I realize that, while it really wasn't my fault, I did keep seeking to replay old patterns, etc., by putting myself in those situations. So now I just have to figure out HOW I put myself in them (not so clear as it would seem, I think) and stop it. That's going to be the hard part.

( for starting the thread!)

Private Label:

Actually, you underestimate the freaky nature of hospital staff. But yes, your point is taken. I'm anonymous here on the huge web, and yet...I have those people who have similar interests (including erotica) who might know...and it still makes my heart flutter. I actually run my own general message board and I'm panicking at the thought of any one of those people finding out. And I'm not sure why.



The final straw in my exhusband's decision to ship me off was when he found me on the bathroom floor having tried to kill myself with some pain medicine. I swore I'd never be to that point again. And I guess I haven't, really, seeing as I've never acted on it. But I was that low two weeks ago, give or take, and that scares me, because I thought I had long, long passed the stage where it was even a thought.



Very little of my progress has been pain-free. But the winds of change are rarely gentle, and are more often of hurricane-force

Speaking of which, I so need to wind this up. Spent more time than I intended to, but I hate not responding to everyone who took the time to reply.

MortalWombat: Yes, I need to be needed, and hate when it's gone. I'm not sure if it's co-dependency or what. I'm trying to cure my need to be a hero as we speak, since I've often done it to the point of self-sabotaging.

Bandit: I'm so very glad you didn't delete your story. I've watched your progress in three days (*laugh*) and you've come incredibly far. It's inspiring.

Quoll: I read the other thread...and loved the part you quoted. Thank you, thank you.

Looks like the storm's going to hit pretty hard, and we're right in target range for it, so I'm going to run for now. Thanks to Cate, this is a subscribed thread, and I will be back.

(( Everyone ))

We look forward to your return after the storm & to hear that your safe & well.

You'll be in our thoughts.

 

[bertrande]

Just bumping a really great thread.

 

[kikmosa]

Just bumping a really great thread.

And two very fine bumps those were.

Bumping again, lol.