How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

I have not been on this thread for about two years
my loss!
But i wanted to return and say thank you
the few posts i made and the encouragement i recieved gave me the courage to go an see someone and i fell so much more confident in myself and about myself
so i just wanted to say thank you to all the lovely lovely people who helped me find the courage to talk.

for everyone
THANK YOU

ElvenAngel your post has lifted my heart to know that we have helped you.

The sad part for me with this thread is the posters that just vanish leaving me wondering if they are OK so your post means so much to me & I'm sure all who offer their thoughts & ideas.

 

[Gil_T2]

hello

please forgive me for not reading the entire thread to get an understanding of it all so far but it is incredibly long. I've recently discovered someone close to me has been abused before. She has begun opening up to me about what happened in detail and her feelings about it and everything. She is getting professional help for it and I believe she is actually getting some of the best you can get.

I guess the reason I'm posting here is that I find it very hard to hear about what has happened to her. I want to listen and hear all she has to say as It does mean alot to me that she can open up about this to me but It really hurts me to hear it. I've been crying a lot recently trying to understand how someone could do that to another human being.. especially her of all people. I just don't know how to be around her anymore. I feel very akward and useless, I don't know what to say and when she is having a bad day I feel her pain too and I end up being upset also. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? how did you help your loved one get through it yet keep your own sanity at the same time?

Any help or advise would be appreciated.

Jenn

Jenn by just being a friend is a lot to do for an abuse victim & it would be great if abusers had some identifying mark but the saddest bit is there isn't any pointer to abusers as they come from every walk of life,every educational standard & even sex isn't a pointer so all any of can do is offer a kind heart to assist in anyway to help the abuse victim know that they are a good person who NEVER deserved their abuse.
The fact she is getting professional help will help her know & deal better with the memories but you too may need some help in dealing with what you have been told by her & the fact that you have shed tears isn't a bad thing as it only shows your a caring person.
Feel free to post or PM any of us if you like.

 

[sexyjenn]

thanks for the replies, I'm doing all I can for her. I've just kept trying to show her a good time and most of the time it does work. I've tried to stay at a distance from the situation as a observer but my feelings always get in the way. I'm trying to deal with that, while trying to sort out in my own mind what is going on. I'm in over my head and I think I might be leading us both into a lot of pain in the long term.

Life is so tricky..

 

[Gil_T2]

thanks for the replies, I'm doing all I can for her. I've just kept trying to show her a good time and most of the time it does work. I've tried to stay at a distance from the situation as a observer but my feelings always get in the way. I'm trying to deal with that, while trying to sort out in my own mind what is going on. I'm in over my head and I think I might be leading us both into a lot of pain in the long term.

Life is so tricky..

JENN it might well be time you had a chat with her to let her know that you are there for her but can't deal with the emotions your feeling with the details of her abuse & that the professionals are the best ones to help her deal with that side of it because you are having trouble coping but your there for all the support she needs, I think once she knows how your getting upset by it she can take any of the abuse issues she will accept this.

It's great that you have tried so far but you have to care for you as well.

 

[sexyjenn]

JENN it might well be time you had a chat with her to let her know that you are there for her but can't deal with the emotions your feeling with the details of her abuse & that the professionals are the best ones to help her deal with that side of it because you are having trouble coping but your there for all the support she needs, I think once she knows how your getting upset by it she can take any of the abuse issues she will accept this.

It's great that you have tried so far but you have to care for you as well.

I think I'm more confused about my complicated relationship with her actually. Whole other topic then and there.

I just thought you'd like to know that I was so happy yesturday, I was spending the day with her and we had an awesome time together. She was sad when I first saw her, However usually when shes sad it goes like this. I ask her if shes okays? she says shes fine and tries to smile. I ask if shes sure, she says Yeeeeeees changes the subject so I go along to not put her on the spot or anything and then later when she is ready she'll tell me whats on her mind. Well yesturday I asked if she was okay and she came out and just told me everything after she got it off her chest we had a really good time together. I'm feeling proud that she is being a little more open with me and happy that I was able to listen and give some advice yet still cheer her up.

It will probably take the rest of her life to get over it and come to terms with what happened, but I'm sure with more support around here she'll get over it sooner

 

[Gil_T2]

I think I'm more confused about my complicated relationship with her actually. Whole other topic then and there.

I just thought you'd like to know that I was so happy yesturday, I was spending the day with her and we had an awesome time together. She was sad when I first saw her, However usually when shes sad it goes like this. I ask her if shes okays? she says shes fine and tries to smile. I ask if shes sure, she says Yeeeeeees changes the subject so I go along to not put her on the spot or anything and then later when she is ready she'll tell me whats on her mind. Well yesturday I asked if she was okay and she came out and just told me everything after she got it off her chest we had a really good time together. I'm feeling proud that she is being a little more open with me and happy that I was able to listen and give some advice yet still cheer her up.

It will probably take the rest of her life to get over it and come to terms with what happened, but I'm sure with more support around here she'll get over it sooner

JENN abuse of any kind (physical,mental or both) does take a lot of time to learn to deal with & never really goes away but it does get a lot easier & all will vary in how long it takes, around 14 years ago was my escape yet even this past week I had a momentary laps.

OPEN & HONESTY is always the best way to deal with it as the abused must learn that you can be trusted.

Enjoy the growing relationship you 2 have devoloped.

 

[sexyjenn]

bumping a wonderfull thread,

I've been spending more and more time with her. She is still having a hard time. Although her abuser is in jail now her abuser's extended family is being a real pain. Makes it much harder for her. But I'm really glad that she actually reached out to me and asked to talk and got it all off her chest.

 

[Don K Dyck]

bumping a wonderfull thread,

I've been spending more and more time with her. She is still having a hard time. Although her abuser is in jail now her abuser's extended family is being a real pain. Makes it much harder for her. But I'm really glad that she actually reached out to me and asked to talk and got it all off her chest.

Hi Jenn . . . in Oz the solutiuon for the abuser's family would be simple . . . get an Anti-Violence Order ("AVO") that prevents those family members from approaching your friend, on pain of contempt of court . . . there will be an American equivalent, probably in a State court jurisdiction . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

bumping a wonderfull thread,

I've been spending more and more time with her. She is still having a hard time. Although her abuser is in jail now her abuser's extended family is being a real pain. Makes it much harder for her. But I'm really glad that she actually reached out to me and asked to talk and got it all off her chest.

First of all Jenn make the local law enforcement aware of the situation & stress the fear that she faces so it is on record & every time they approach her document it & if serious enough again report it next is enquire about an AVO of it's equivilant in you area.

Big caring hugs for you Jenn for being there for her.

 

[Gil_T2]

bump,

Bump,


Bump,


Bump,

 

[owterspace]

the only way I know

Be there and listen .....not with your ears ,but with your heart and try to put your self in their shoes....NEVER PRY.....when they are ready to open up they will......I have found that ofering a shoulder to cry on helps.
i took my over 10 years to open up to my wife.......it takes time.
main thing....... dont be a GUY...... be a human being and be there even when it gets bad....and it will.....but then it will get better.
good luck helping others.
This is why we are here on this spinning ball of dirt and water.....wer need more people who want to help....and trully mean it.

 

[Gil_T2]

Be there and listen .....not with your ears ,but with your heart and try to put your self in their shoes....NEVER PRY.....when they are ready to open up they will......I have found that ofering a shoulder to cry on helps.
i took my over 10 years to open up to my wife.......it takes time.
main thing....... dont be a GUY...... be a human being and be there even when it gets bad....and it will.....but then it will get better.
good luck helping others.
This is why we are here on this spinning ball of dirt and water.....wer need more people who want to help....and trully mean it.

Thanks for your post & yes a caring heart is upper most in the helping stage & why this thread was started & we have been so lucky that many of the ppl both male & female have jumped in to help others as the came here to post.

ABUSE has had victims of both sexes & the figures are about even betwwen the guy & gal.

 

[bertrande]

I have seen the title of this thread a few times and finally decided to read it (half so far) and have it to be the most amazing place.

As a 12 year old I was abused by a doctor who was hypnotising me as treatment for a condition where my eye or lip used to swell and they couldn't find and allergic reaction to anything. One day I didn't hypnotise properly and knew what he did to me. I have no idea what he did to me most of the time or how many times he did it, just what happened in that last session. I told my mum and she reported it, he ended up committing suicide.

I also had an emotionally abusive (occasionally physically) marriage in my late teens/early twenties. After this ended I had a period of time where I vowed only to hurt and not be hurt and just floated around from fling to fling, never staying long enough to be hurt.

I married at 25 to a 'safe' man who would never hurt me. And he didn't because he was so emotionless that he didn't seem to care about me at all. We never talked, never had sex, okay at least 3 times - 3 kids . It wasn't all bad in the early days but I realised I needed someone who wasn't an emotional stone if I was going to be in a relationship. We split again in Jan and life has been much better. Neglect is also a form of abuse and he sure neglected everything except his job. My asking him to go has forced him to face up and be an active dad and has enabled me to get on with life.

I did have a roller coaster of a relatioship this year in which the person admitted to using me, which momentarily rocked my new found confidence. I read so many stories in this thread and have sat and contemplated the different forms of abuse that people suffer.

This thread touched my heart and am grateful that it exists, I hope it stays in view for people who need it.

Nowadays things are good, I am enjoying a fulfulling liasion with a fellow litster and as for the for the future.....who knows. I am enjoying living for the moment.

 

[Gil_T2]

I have seen the title of this thread a few times and finally decided to read it (half so far) and have it to be the most amazing place.

As a 12 year old I was abused by a doctor who was hypnotising me as treatment for a condition where my eye or lip used to swell and they couldn't find and allergic reaction to anything. One day I didn't hypnotise properly and knew what he did to me. I have no idea what he did to me most of the time or how many times he did it, just what happened in that last session. I told my mum and she reported it, he ended up committing suicide.

I also had an emotionally abusive (occasionally physically) marriage in my late teens/early twenties. After this ended I had a period of time where I vowed only to hurt and not be hurt and just floated around from fling to fling, never staying long enough to be hurt.

I married at 25 to a 'safe' man who would never hurt me. And he didn't because he was so emotionless that he didn't seem to care about me at all. We never talked, never had sex, okay at least 3 times - 3 kids . It wasn't all bad in the early days but I realised I needed someone who wasn't an emotional stone if I was going to be in a relationship. We split again in Jan and life has been much better. Neglect is also a form of abuse and he sure neglected everything except his job. My asking him to go has forced him to face up and be an active dad and has enabled me to get on with life.

I did have a roller coaster of a relatioship this year in which the person admitted to using me, which momentarily rocked my new found confidence. I read so many stories in this thread and have sat and contemplated the different forms of abuse that people suffer.

This thread touched my heart and am grateful that it exists, I hope it stays in view for people who need it.

Nowadays things are good, I am enjoying a fulfulling liasion with a fellow litster and as for the for the future.....who knows. I am enjoying living for the moment.

BERTRANDE thanks for posting & the sadest abuse is that of the young where your abuse started, it's a pity your abuser took the cowards way out but abusers are cowards in my view & he is likely why you had the 2 failed marrages any way life is full of hope for you now & you do have a good man in your life who many of us know personally through meeting him several times.

Continue to prosper with you freedom to run your life your way & look forward to meeting you in October at our LIT meet in Sydney.

 

[bertrande]

BERTRANDE thanks for posting & the sadest abuse is that of the young where your abuse started, it's a pity your abuser took the cowards way out but abusers are cowards in my view & he is likely why you had the 2 failed marrages any way life is full of hope for you now & you do have a good man in your life who many of us know personally through meeting him several times.

Continue to prosper with you freedom to run your life your way & look forward to meeting you in October at our LIT meet in Sydney.

Thanks Gil for that, but I forgot to mention a disasterous (defacto) marriage at the age of 17, no abuse as such although it was heading that way. And yes the LIT meet in Sydney is something I am looking forward to.

 

[Don K Dyck]

I have seen the title of this thread a few times and finally decided to read it (half so far) and have it to be the most amazing place.

As a 12 year old I was abused by a doctor who was hypnotising me as treatment for a condition where my eye or lip used to swell and they couldn't find and allergic reaction to anything. One day I didn't hypnotise properly and knew what he did to me. I have no idea what he did to me most of the time or how many times he did it, just what happened in that last session. I told my mum and she reported it, he ended up committing suicide.

I also had an emotionally abusive (occasionally physically) marriage in my late teens/early twenties. After this ended I had a period of time where I vowed only to hurt and not be hurt and just floated around from fling to fling, never staying long enough to be hurt.

I married at 25 to a 'safe' man who would never hurt me. And he didn't because he was so emotionless that he didn't seem to care about me at all. We never talked, never had sex, okay at least 3 times - 3 kids . It wasn't all bad in the early days but I realised I needed someone who wasn't an emotional stone if I was going to be in a relationship. We split again in Jan and life has been much better. Neglect is also a form of abuse and he sure neglected everything except his job. My asking him to go has forced him to face up and be an active dad and has enabled me to get on with life.

I did have a roller coaster of a relatioship this year in which the person admitted to using me, which momentarily rocked my new found confidence. I read so many stories in this thread and have sat and contemplated the different forms of abuse that people suffer.

This thread touched my heart and am grateful that it exists, I hope it stays in view for people who need it.

Nowadays things are good, I am enjoying a fulfulling liasion with a fellow litster and as for the for the future.....who knows. I am enjoying living for the moment.

Hi bertrande . . . congratulations on getting up after every knockdown, that is the mark of a winner!! . . .

Firstly, you are in no way responsible for that doctor committing suicide. He chose the coward's way out rather than face the legal and social consequences of his breach of trust.

Second, people tend to re-create the family structure that they had as children. Based only on your post . . . your three "failed/terminated" long term relationships suggest that there may be some dysfunctionality in your own early life. The extreme choice of emotional partners and the the roller coaster may be further evidence. However, there is insufficient information posted to guess, but consider that possibility.

Third, it takes time to recover from the ending of a long term relationship. The rough guide is about one month for every year that the relationship existed, and 18 months to three years is quite common. However, this is just a rough guide because recovery time is a personal thing.

A word of caution about any new relationships. It takes a person some time, again often 18 months to three years for individuals to come to terms with themselves about themselves and what THEY require in and from a relationship. There is always the urge to rush into a relationship to prove to ourselves that we are loved. However, this can be disastrous and perpetuate the problem.

Take some time out for yourself and decide EXACTLY what YOU want in and from a relationship, then settle for nothing less. This process won't happen overnight, it will take some time. But committing to another "permanent" relationship without such a period of reflection often means that the cycle of disasters is continued . . . mainly because "I do NOT know where I want to be".

Take care of yourself, you are a valuable person.

 

[bertrande]

Hi bertrande . . . congratulations on getting up after every knockdown, that is the mark of a winner!! . . .

Firstly, you are in no way responsible for that doctor committing suicide. He chose the coward's way out rather than face the legal and social consequences of his breach of trust.

Second, people tend to re-create the family structure that they had as children. Based only on your post . . . your three "failed/terminated" long term relationships suggest that there may be some dysfunctionality in your own early life. The extreme choice of emotional partners and the the roller coaster may be further evidence. However, there is insufficient information posted to guess, but consider that possibility.

Third, it takes time to recover from the ending of a long term relationship. The rough guide is about one month for every year that the relationship existed, and 18 months to three years is quite common. However, this is just a rough guide because recovery time is a personal thing.

A word of caution about any new relationships. It takes a person some time, again often 18 months to three years for individuals to come to terms with themselves about themselves and what THEY require in and from a relationship. There is always the urge to rush into a relationship to prove to ourselves that we are loved. However, this can be disastrous and perpetuate the problem.

Take some time out for yourself and decide EXACTLY what YOU want in and from a relationship, then settle for nothing less. This process won't happen overnight, it will take some time. But committing to another "permanent" relationship without such a period of reflection often means that the cycle of disasters is continued . . . mainly because "I do NOT know where I want to be".

Take care of yourself, you are a valuable person.

You make some very valid points here Don.....As a child my family life was quite functional - I have always felt like the one who didn't belong though. My sister was ill from birth so received a lot of attention, all quite necessary. People would ask my mum how my sister was and ignore me standing beside here, but my parents did what they could and have a reasonable marriage still - after 44 or so years. Perhaps my mum overcompensated for me 'missing out' on attention - but I don't think so. The only thing that is unusual about my childhood is the fact that my family are not that close to there families i.e. hardly knew dad's parents, never met mum's father and when I was an adult my mum and her mum stopped talking. But we were a 'normal' family.

I agree with the time to get over relationships stuff, in my early days I just stumbled from one to the other. MY ex husband and I split in 2001 and lived in different states for a while then we shared parenting from around 2003 by sharing a home but we were never together in any substantial way once I got to Vic - in fact we knew not long after I got here that there was no hope for a reconciliation even if we wanted one.....we did ask ourselves if it was possible but knew it wasn't from the moment I got here. We finally ended our shared parenting in Jan of this year. Apart from my disastarous dalliance with 'youknowwho' I have been alone for quite some time - over four years in fact.

And nowadays I know what it is that I want from a relationship!!!!!

 

[Don K Dyck]

You make some very valid points here Don.....As a child my family life was quite functional - I have always felt like the one who didn't belong though. My sister was ill from birth so received a lot of attention, all quite necessary. People would ask my mum how my sister was and ignore me standing beside here, but my parents did what they could and have a reasonable marriage still - after 44 or so years. Perhaps my mum overcompensated for me 'missing out' on attention - but I don't think so. The only thing that is unusual about my childhood is the fact that my family are not that close to there families i.e. hardly knew dad's parents, never met mum's father and when I was an adult my mum and her mum stopped talking. But we were a 'normal' family.

I agree with the time to get over relationships stuff, in my early days I just stumbled from one to the other. MY ex husband and I split in 2001 and lived in different states for a while then we shared parenting from around 2003 by sharing a home but we were never together in any substantial way once I got to Vic - in fact we knew not long after I got here that there was no hope for a reconciliation even if we wanted one.....we did ask ourselves if it was possible but knew it wasn't from the moment I got here. We finally ended our shared parenting in Jan of this year. Apart from my disastarous dalliance with 'youknowwho' I have been alone for quite some time - over four years in fact.

And nowadays I know what it is that I want from a relationship!!!!!

Hi bertrande . . . based only on your last two posts.

The "odd person out" reaction that you felt is, from a child's perspective, quite reasonable given the circumstances that you describe <see highlights above>.

The overlooking would an unintentional gaff between communicatiung adults, who almost naturally ignore children as irrelevant appendages to the other adult in the discussion.

From the child's point of view, this rudeness may reduce self-esteem for a person seeking/requiring the emotional support in a stress situation where a sibling is getting most of the parental attention at home. Consequently, the child may think that "nobody takes any notice of me, so I must be unimportant". Subsequently, over time, self-esteem takes a battering and "irrational" behaviour may result as a cry for help.

In education we have seen some horrible examples of such adult "neglect" of the "other" healthy/normal child, or simply a parent favouring one sibling over the other.

What you have described is really a version of this "favoured child" syndrome. Your sick sister took up so much time and emotional concern that the parental well was dry when it came to satisfying your needs.

Your final statement is very impressive ans shows that you have put, or are putting, your childhood past behind you while YOU create the world that YOU want. Well done!! Keep going!!

 

[kikmosa]

bump

 

[Gil_T2]

bump

Sweet lovely lady KIKI lotos kisses & cuddles from all your Lit friends & extra special ones from BANDIT & I.

 

[kikmosa]

Sweet lovely lady KIKI lotos kisses & cuddles from all your Lit friends & extra special ones from BANDIT & I.

Mmmmmmm.... now that's something worth waking up to. Good morning... kisses and cuddles right back atcha.

 

[Gil_T2]

Mmmmmmm.... now that's something worth waking up to. Good morning... kisses and cuddles right back atcha.

Dear friend I just love hearing from you.

 

[kikmosa]

Bump...... bump......bump!!!!!!!

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Stopping by to gently "BUMP, BUMP, BUMPITY, BUMP". Not doing so well so I won't be around much. If you want to find out what's going on you can PM or e-mail me and I'll share with you the happening.

 

[Knight_Errant]

I'll help...

God I was so afraid that it was just a new way to torture me. But it wasn't. He did leave and I packed up and ran as fast as I could. I filed for divorce and ran again. It's been four years now and I still live in fear of him. QUOTE]

Two ways.

1) I won't have sex with you, I'll just hug you a bit. I like hugs. I need em, too.

2) I'll go kill the bastard. Slowly.

That work?