How do you help someone get over being abused

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspiring!

Actually my siblings are now aware of my and my sisters abuse.... however they are so very deep in their diseases that they will not hear me.... 2 siblings will not even admit our father is alcoholic... both have alcoholic/dependent wives... a sister has an alcoholic husband.... I'm sure you know the story all too well... I do talk with my neices and nephews and remind them all the time, I am here for them, that I understand whats it can be like, that they are good people, etc.... and yes... there was a time I was very much unwelcomed .... it was very difficult to say the least.... but I survived that too.... I have been beating my drum to an audience with earplugs and blindfolds.... I do accept your challenge though, I will continue to speak the truth to my family, no matter how they respond.... I feel its my duty to protect the children... even if I only have a prayer sometimes.... for when you think you only have a prayer, that exactly what you need.... many thanks Don.... again... its appreciated very much...
Cate

Hi Cathleen . . . then sometimes it is necessary to protect YOURSELF first . . . and stay away from the problem homes . . . stay in touch with your neices and nephews by phone and e-mail (it can be quite a game really) but encourage your healing by avoiding the problems created by others with the disease of alcoholism . . .

I used to worry myself sick about my alcoholic mother . . . then one day I made the decision that it was not achieving anything and I chose to stop worrying . . . BEST thing I had ever done . . . her disease was not caused by me, and I was not responsible for her consequences . . . made a HUGE difference to my thinking and equilibrium . . .

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Re: Re: Rising out of the ashes....

Hi wildrose . . . is it possible that buried away in the farthest reaches of your mind you have an incident that you consider was abusive, or that you consider that you were responsible for . . . and that you have not yet come to terms with it?

It is not far fetched, in fact it is truth and not just one incident. I suffered with emotional abuse from my father, but never realized it for what it was. When I got married the first time, it was to a man very similar to my father though I did not see it. The emotional abuse escalated, and I left when the physical abuse started. After that, I thought I had come to terms with a lot of things, and would avoid the pattern. I fell in love with someone who I thought was perfect for me.... my soul mate. In the beginning he was very good to me, but things changed after we were married around 5 years. Not sure what caused the change in him, only know the outcome was more emotional abuse. I finally got the courage to end that relationship last June. The divorce was final in Sept 2003.

I guess I find it hard to trust my judgement now. I really believe the person I care about is sincere, and would never hurt me, but I have seen firsthand how things can change. And I question my own judgement in matters of the heart. I can only pray that the time and patience this wonderful person is giving me, lead me to a sound decision.

Thanks Don!

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Re: Rising out of the ashes....

It is not far fetched, in fact it is truth and not just one incident. I suffered with emotional abuse from my father, but never realized it for what it was. When I got married the first time, it was to a man very similar to my father though I did not see it. The emotional abuse escalated, and I left when the physical abuse started. After that, I thought I had come to terms with a lot of things, and would avoid the pattern. I fell in love with someone who I thought was perfect for me.... my soul mate. In the beginning he was very good to me, but things changed after we were married around 5 years. Not sure what caused the change in him, only know the outcome was more emotional abuse. I finally got the courage to end that relationship last June. The divorce was final in Sept 2003.

I guess I find it hard to trust my judgement now. I really believe the person I care about is sincere, and would never hurt me, but I have seen firsthand how things can change. And I question my own judgement in matters of the heart. I can only pray that the time and patience this wonderful person is giving me, lead me to a sound decision.

Thanks Don!

Hi wildrose . . . sometimes parents are real bastards without realising it . . . people tend to marry a person who is similar to their opposite sex parent . . . so it would seem reasonable to marry someone with the same abusive characteristics . . . after all, for you, THAT was "normal" . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE . . . EVER!!

It was a very wise move to get out when the physical abuse started because . . .

WHEN THE ABUSE STARTS, THE RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDED . . .

Then you showed great courage to end the second relationship when the abuse started . . . why are you questioning your judgement . . . to an outsider looking in, you seem to have made all the right moves . . .

Could it be that the original abuse from your father is not fully resolved? If so, then some good professional assistance may help . . .

There is life without abuse . . . look at Gil and Bandit . . . (the lucky bastards . . . ) . . . and that life can go on as long as you work at keeping the relationship a 24/7 love affair . . . (OK Gil, tiem to let Bandit up for a breather . . . )

 

[Bandit58]

Re: Inspiring!

Bandit, reading about you and Gil is very inspiring. I am so happy for the two of you.

I am trying to allow myself to get close to this man, and to open up and share my feelings with him. I have to admit sharing my feelings, fears etc has been hard. Yes, he is truly someone very special and caring. I think if there is a chance I can heal, it will be in his arms.

How did you know it was right with Gil? That you were not running down the same path to destruction? I never saw it coming before, and now wonder if I would see the signs in the future.

I don't know, maybe the bottom line is caring enough to risk the pain; caring enough to make yourself that vulnerable again. But it is so hard to hand someone the most delicate part of yourself, especially when you know firsthand how easily it can be crushed.

Thank you all for your inspiration and for sharing! I feel this is the one place I can truly open up and share my thoughts and fears. You are special people who have created a very special place!

LOL now you've put me on the spot here Wildrose (just kidding hon ), because I know Gil will read this post.

I don't know how to put it into words exactly, how I just knew what Gil and I had was so right. We had gotten to know each other through several threads here at Lit, most notably this one, and I found myself looking forward to reading his posts, and if he happened to post to me or mention my name I got a little flutter inside He was there for me when my first lover pulled the rug out from under me.......and we just seemed to grow closer over the weeks that followed.

I was hesitant about letting someone get close to me again, but when the offer came to go to Australia for a visit I thought why not.....the flight was booked at the end of July and we had 4 months to wait which was time well spent getting to know each other better. We both knew it was becoming much more than a close friendship by then but admitting it was something else again! We'd both been hurt before.....but chances at happiness don't come along every day and even though it was such a big step, knowing I'd have to sell up and move to a new country and leave my family and friends behind, when I met him and was in his arms I just knew this was real, and special, and after 3 days I'd decided yes yes yes

It's 5 weeks tomorrow and it just keeps getting better "I love you" is said every day, and truly meant, with lots of cuddles and kisses and caring which is something I have been starved of in my life. Don I don't need a breather I'd be perfectly happy to snuggle in his arms all day!

I don't know, maybe the bottom line is caring enough to risk the pain; caring enough to make yourself that vulnerable again. But it is so hard to hand someone the most delicate part of yourself, especially when you know firsthand how easily it can be crushed.

That is so true......but the risks can be so worth it in the end

I love you Gil

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Once again....

let me say thanks to Don and Bandit. I had the courage yesterday to point my special person to this thread; to let him read the words and feelings I have been sharing with you. He was touched that I was willing to share this with him.

I think I am moving in the right direction.

 

[Cathleen]

I am gladend to read Bandits post... and WildRose too... I am not feeling as secure of late.... but those posts help me to know that with love will come a range of emotions.... its hard not to go back to old habits ..... to the safety of isolation... to using substance as distraction or replacement... thanks for the words... I will do my best to take them into my heart so that maybe my dang head will shut up!!! I'm glad I finally found the courage to post here.... lots of inspiration
Cate

 

[glassman69]

don't despair. It is possible to find someone to share with who will treat you with the dignity, love and caring that you deserve.

I can attest to that, in the fact that I have found a wonderfull woman that does just that for/to Me...the very least I can do is to return the favor....thank you wildrose from the very innermost reaches of my spirit, I shall not fail you

 

[Wolf_Song]

Just wandering through, with wishing each and all the best.. always.

( and hugs and/ or grins for any whom wish or need them )

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Once again....

let me say thanks to Don and Bandit. I had the courage yesterday to point my special person to this thread; to let him read the words and feelings I have been sharing with you. He was touched that I was willing to share this with him.

I think I am moving in the right direction.

Be open & honest with him about your worries & fears then judge by his response to you & trust your feelings to guide you.... there are no guarantees that it will work but it won't if you don't try & both put the effort in to keep it alive, My loverly lady BANDIT & I both tell each other many times every day that we LOVE each other with meaning.

This lady has relit the fires of love I thought were gone in my life & I do truely love her for being the wonderful lady I met on LIT.

BANDIT

 

[Don K Dyck]

I am gladend to read Bandits post... and WildRose too... I am not feeling as secure of late.... but those posts help me to know that with love will come a range of emotions.... its hard not to go back to old habits ..... to the safety of isolation... to using substance as distraction or replacement... thanks for the words... I will do my best to take them into my heart so that maybe my dang head will shut up!!! I'm glad I finally found the courage to post here.... lots of inspiration
Cate

Hi Cathleen . . . the old voices in the head thinggy . . . been there, done that . . . I found telling them to shut up worked . . . that I refused to listen to their cacophony of babble because it was confusing me, and that I was going to have calm in my life . . .

How did I do it? . . . well, there are some well known slogans . . . "Day at a time" . . . which often became "hour at a time" and even "minute at a time" as I strove to be calm . . . it wasn't an instant success, I had to work at it . . . and on several occasions . . . but gradually and eventually I achieved a calm state . . .

 

[Cathleen]

duplicate post

 

[Cathleen]

Hi Cathleen . . . the old voices in the head thinggy . . . been there, done that . . . I found telling them to shut up worked . . . that I refused to listen to their cacophony of babble because it was confusing me, and that I was going to have calm in my life . . .

How did I do it? . . . well, there are some well known slogans . . . "Day at a time" . . . which often became "hour at a time" and even "minute at a time" as I strove to be calm . . . it wasn't an instant success, I had to work at it . . . and on several occasions . . . but gradually and eventually I achieved a calm state . . .

Hi Don.... man my head can be such a bad neighborhood.... I know those slogans so very well... the words most often on my mind these days are... communicate... practice... think...reflect.... I know well that new behavoirs take time to become mine... I always expect that I'll get it right the first time... well not anymore... I am communicating much more and although some of the topics are difficult, like revealing my secrets, I am just taking a deep breath and my time .... plus knowing who to share these things with is a major key... life is sure interesting and never dull but I agree with you ... calm is best... having lived in chaos it seems to be so foreign but as I move forward I can not only live it, I can feel it as well.... thanks for sharing, its appreciated...
Cate

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Cate

Hi Don.... man my head can be such a bad neighborhood.... I know those slogans so very well... the words most often on my mind these days are... communicate... practice... think...reflect.... I know well that new behavoirs take time to become mine... I always expect that I'll get it right the first time... well not anymore... I am communicating much more and although some of the topics are difficult, like revealing my secrets, I am just taking a deep breath and my time .... plus knowing who to share these things with is a major key... life is sure interesting and never dull but I agree with you ... calm is best... having lived in chaos it seems to be so foreign but as I move forward I can not only live it, I can feel it as well.... thanks for sharing, its appreciated...
Cate

Communicating is probably the key! I know how difficult it is to share your secrets, and to confide in someone. It is letting someone get close to a very vulnerable part of us when we confide in them. But, as I am slowly figuring out....sharing makes the load lighter....makes it easier to keep going. Don't give up Cate....I know I won't.

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Re: Re: Once again....

Be open & honest with him about your worries & fears then judge by his response to you & trust your feelings to guide you.... there are no guarantees that it will work but it won't if you don't try....

Thank you for your inspiration Gil. I think the best thing I did was steer him out here to this thread. He has been wonderful and supportive........and has not pressured me. I haven't spoken the words (I love you) yet....but I am beginning to hear them in my heart. It is spontaneous and catches me off guard.....I am hoping that soon I will be confident enough to speak the words my heart is saying.

 

[BrownEyes26]

I love this thread!!!!

Just had to say that.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

 

[Gil_T2]

I am gladend to read Bandits post... and WildRose too... I am not feeling as secure of late.... but those posts help me to know that with love will come a range of emotions.... its hard not to go back to old habits ..... to the safety of isolation... to using substance as distraction or replacement... thanks for the words... I will do my best to take them into my heart so that maybe my dang head will shut up!!! I'm glad I finally found the courage to post here.... lots of inspiration
Cate

I think the range of emotions I & I'm sure all go through with opening up to love is so very similar Highs, lows, fears, stress, guilt etc etc etc.... Why simply our past experiences, Bandit & I ducked around using the dreaded L--- word for quite some time & then once it was used it felt so good to recieve it back & now it's used several times a day along with kisses & cuddles or just a look & smile.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: I love this thread!!!!

Just had to say that.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Thanks for dropping by BROWNEYES & I hope your feeling the highs that I get seeing ppl getting their DEMONS under control & now all we need to do is help CATHLEEN silence those voices.

 

[Cathleen]

Re: Re: I love this thread!!!!

Thanks for dropping by BROWNEYES & I hope your feeling the highs that I get seeing ppl getting their DEMONS under control & now all we need to do is help CATHLEEN silence those voices.

Thanks Gil..... for so many years I didn't hear anything in my head... just didn't make sense to...I was told what I saw really didn't happen... what I felt wasn't right...and on and on.... then as a young adult I started to feel all this fears, doubts and insecurities... hell, I didn't want any of that, so I started to use various substances... it wasn't until I entered therapy that I realized that I actually started to use food as a little girl to cope with the trauma of abuses... after I was thru with drugs I went back to food, unknowing it was just another addiction... i would also self abuse physically, the physical pain was a major distraction from the emotional pain.... when I think about that statement, I feel sad, as I realize just how much pain I was in emotionally.... to prefer self abuse over emotional pain???? wow... glad to say I'm done with that now too.... I am grateful to so many people in my life who have helped me to grow past all the shit... to accept that I am who I am.... like WildRose I have found someone who accepts me as I am.... he will not accept that I believe myself to be damaged goods.... the patience and kindness he has given me lets me peek out of the darkness.... he is a gift to me... truely believe he was sent to me... WildRose has given me inspiration to follow my gut, even if my head is fighting it.... thanks for this thread Gil .... and to ALL those who post and share.... I am lucky that I find lessons everywhere I go....
all the best to everyone.... be well...
Cate

 

[Cathleen]

Re: Re: Re: Once again....

Thank you for your inspiration Gil. I think the best thing I did was steer him out here to this thread. He has been wonderful and supportive........and has not pressured me. I haven't spoken the words (I love you) yet....but I am beginning to hear them in my heart. It is spontaneous and catches me off guard.....I am hoping that soon I will be confident enough to speak the words my heart is saying.

Hi WildRose.... just wondering if you could share just how you brought up Lit to your friend.... I've been thinking about maybe sharing this place with him.... not sure...will think for a long time perhaps.... but wondering how you were able to share this with him..... I think it took great courage and I admire that.... thanks...
Cate

 

[sultresweetie]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Rising out of the ashes....

Hi wildrose . . . sometimes parents are real bastards without realising it . . . people tend to marry a person who is similar to their opposite sex parent . . . so it would seem reasonable to marry someone with the same abusive characteristics . . . after all, for you, THAT was "normal" . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE . . . EVER!!

It was a very wise move to get out when the physical abuse started because . . .

WHEN THE ABUSE STARTS, THE RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDED . . .

Then you showed great courage to end the second relationship when the abuse started . . . why are you questioning your judgement . . . to an outsider looking in, you seem to have made all the right moves . . .

Could it be that the original abuse from your father is not fully resolved? If so, then some good professional assistance may help . . .

There is life without abuse . . . look at Gil and Bandit . . . (the lucky bastards . . . ) . . . and that life can go on as long as you work at keeping the relationship a 24/7 love affair . . . (OK Gil, tiem to let Bandit up for a breather . . . )

I always believed this idea about "marrying your father", but my pops is the best and I would be blessed to find a man with as much character and integrity. However, the majority of men that I have had relationships with have been real cuntrags. Interesting enough, my parents have also been faithfully married for 35 years, and I can't commit worth shit. I have had a couple of relationships that lasted 2 and 3 years, but other than that, I think the men I have met have been virtually worthless.

 

[Cathleen]

so just how do I silence the over analytical side of me.... reading into things too much... a note, a sigh, a period of silence, ..... I can take everything wrong..... what the hell is wrong with me?? I want to be free of this....
Cate

 

[manofsteel52]

so just how do I silence the over analytical side of me.... reading into things too much... a note, a sigh, a period of silence, ..... I can take everything wrong..... what the hell is wrong with me?? I want to be free of this....
Cate

Let people love you. Accept the love they offer. Not hollow words, real love. Family, friends. Present, or future.

 

[Cathleen]

Let people love you. Accept the love they offer. Not hollow words, real love. Family, friends. Present, or future.

I'm trying MOS, I just hate that the old beliefs jump back in my head.... sometimes right into my heart and soul..... I've made alot of progress.... and am certainly on the other side .... perhaps its just that this side is so unfamilar it will take some getting use too..... it is so much nicer here than back in the darkness.....
thank you so much for your words.... I will keep them in my head and heart....
Cate

 

[sultresweetie]

Do you ever really pay attention to your dreams? I think if you really focus, you are able to self-analyze your troubles thru your dreams. It helps to realize that just the nature of being human is to feel "fucked up". So being fucked up is quite normal and perfectly ok. If it weren't, daytime TV wouldn't exist, and Dr. Phil would be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
But, seriously, I had a deep-seated issue that had been causing me a lot of problems for years, and had been seeing a therapist for about a year without much progress. One night I had a dream about the past in a most absurd way, and it all just fell into place. Changed my life for the better.
If you haven't all ready, start writing down your dreams and really listen to what they are telling you. You might just find that piece that feels like it is missing or undefined.

Take care, peeps...Sultresweetie

 

[Gil_T2]

so just how do I silence the over analytical side of me.... reading into things too much... a note, a sigh, a period of silence, ..... I can take everything wrong..... what the hell is wrong with me?? I want to be free of this....
Cate

CATE.... Alas I have no ideas on this as I too have to battle the voices saying all the negatives that might be & now unlike in the past I've managed to ignore them totally & give all my efforts to making this the ONE TRUE love of my life, the voices still visit.