How do you help someone get over being abused

[Noor]

Trice-
you should get out the the situation FOR your youngest son as well as yourself. Growing up in an environment of abuse skews your understanding of what is real, normal, and acceptable in relationships between people.
I moved an average of every 5 yrs as a child and to me it was always a new adventure. My parents always let me phone and visit my old friends and in many ways it strengthen my friendships since they became ones of want rather than convenience.
Decades later (actually at least a quarter century later), I am still in touch with many of them and almost all of them I would feel comfortable turning to in times of trouble.

Noor

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Re: Thank You

Thank you kikmosa, and yes this is all scary, even harder when I feel so lost and don't know where to turn. Everyone here is so caring and true. I wish I could just get up and move, but this is the only place I have ever known. My three son's. I have talked to my youngest who is only 11, and he begs me not to take him away from his school and friends. He is still the only one that worships his Dad. My oldest two hates their Dad for what he has done to us and is still doing. I guess I don't have anywhere to go. All my Family is here, but has a life of their own. My Parents both died when I was 18 and it has only been this man I have known. How can one walk away from everything? I am too scared to even leave this house. I am sorry if I sound pathetic, I try to be strong yet still let him run my life? I don't understand it . Thanks for your kind words......also the HUG...I needed that

Hi Trice . . . I know the feeling . . . went through it in 91 . . . and survived . . . it can be done, if you want to do it. We tend to cling to places and things we know because they are comfortable and reassuring . . . but in the situation you describe, let me play Devil's Advocate for a moment . . . what EXACTLY have you got??

AS you describe it . . . an ex who is harassing you, who is distant from two sons but close to the youngest . . . no family interacting with your immediate family . . . an isolated existence that many people would find intolerable . . . is THAT all YOU want from life??

The alternative is a whole new world where YOU can seek the life and happiness that YOU want . . .

But the important questions . . . can you get a job somewhere else in your field? Kids are resilient, and e-mail has shrunk the world to the size of a marble, so your youngest will still be able to keep in touch with his mates from literallly anywhere.

The kids, all of them, are a consideration . . . but not THE consideration . . . the main things are

1. "Do you need to be hassled by your ex for the rest of your life?"

2. "Do you want to enjoy life more and be happier than you are at present?"

Only YOU can answer those questions and make the decisions that flow from them. [[[[[[[trice]]]]]]]

Great post Kiki

 

[kikmosa]

Sending out a hug for everyone, especially Trice and Chittylove.

((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))


(I'll bet Gil is getting lots of hugs from Bandit )

 

[Gil_T2]

Sending out a hug for everyone, especially Trice and Chittylove.

((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))


(I'll bet Gil is getting lots of hugs from Bandit )

Yes KIKI we do lots of cuddling & lay there talking about the ppl here as everyone who has ever come here is still important as they were seeking help many have moved on but others like your good self turn round to give such good advice with all the knowing as a former victim

It's very early am here (2.15 am) so my brain isn't functioning to ggod but will return soon.

 

[kikmosa]

Bumping this to keep it where it belongs, on the first page.

 

[Sapphiregem]

Dearest Bandit, Gil, Don, Kikmosa, Noor, Shadow,


Also anyone I have missed. I haven't posted in a while for I did call in the law, I have been a nervious reck. Things got pretty ugly, and I just hid myself in my bedroom, not wanting to face the world. Feeling alone, and just wishing not to live anymore. I would come on here every night and read all posts over and over. Then I started to think? I have not been living for a long time? Now is my chance, once and for all, and this time sticking with it. Not backing down. I am attending meetings with other abused Woman. I guess it was nice seeing and talking openly, with other's that we all are going through the same, I was sitting there and my heart went out to everyone of them. Not feeling my own pain but their pain. I don't know what lies ahead for me, but for now I am not looking ahead or back, just taking one day at a time. I was told that I could get my Ex, deported, for he is not a citizen of the US. So many things are going through my mind, should I take away my son's Father? Oh well for now I have to think of me, taking care of me. I have two great sister's that are always here, and helping me fight this way overdue battle. I need to start being a better Mom to my three boys, for they are all that matters to me. I need to start living again, I know it will happen some day, but for now all I want is to get my own mind back. So I really wanted to thank each and everyone of you for all your kind words and to make me know I am not alone.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Dearest Bandit, Gil, Don, Kikmosa, Noor, Shadow,


Also anyone I have missed. I haven't posted in a while for I did call in the law, I have been a nervious reck. Things got pretty ugly, and I just hid myself in my bedroom, not wanting to face the world. Feeling alone, and just wishing not to live anymore. I would come on here every night and read all posts over and over. Then I started to think? I have not been living for a long time? Now is my chance, once and for all, and this time sticking with it. Not backing down. I am attending meetings with other abused Woman. I guess it was nice seeing and talking openly, with other's that we all are going through the same, I was sitting there and my heart went out to everyone of them. Not feeling my own pain but their pain. I don't know what lies ahead for me, but for now I am not looking ahead or back, just taking one day at a time. I was told that I could get my Ex, deported, for he is not a citizen of the US. So many things are going through my mind, should I take away my son's Father? Oh well for now I have to think of me, taking care of me. I have two great sister's that are always here, and helping me fight this way overdue battle. I need to start being a better Mom to my three boys, for they are all that matters to me. I need to start living again, I know it will happen some day, but for now all I want is to get my own mind back. So I really wanted to thank each and everyone of you for all your kind words and to make me know I am not alone.

Congratulations!! Well done!! You have taken a stand and want something better for yourself and your kids. The support group is a wonderful idea . . . try to do at least six meetings before you decide to give it up . . . better still, don't give it up because the other group members gain strength from your progress.

Deportation sounds good . . . it removes the problem to a manageable distance . . . far away . . . you need about 18 months of hassle free living to re-establish yourself . . . and this is a matter of you putting yourself first, because until you are strong in yourself you cannot successfully help your family.

 

[kikmosa]

Dearest Bandit, Gil, Don, Kikmosa, Noor, Shadow,


Also anyone I have missed. I haven't posted in a while for I did call in the law, I have been a nervious reck. Things got pretty ugly, and I just hid myself in my bedroom, not wanting to face the world. Feeling alone, and just wishing not to live anymore. I would come on here every night and read all posts over and over. Then I started to think? I have not been living for a long time? Now is my chance, once and for all, and this time sticking with it. Not backing down. I am attending meetings with other abused Woman. I guess it was nice seeing and talking openly, with other's that we all are going through the same, I was sitting there and my heart went out to everyone of them. Not feeling my own pain but their pain. I don't know what lies ahead for me, but for now I am not looking ahead or back, just taking one day at a time. I was told that I could get my Ex, deported, for he is not a citizen of the US. So many things are going through my mind, should I take away my son's Father? Oh well for now I have to think of me, taking care of me. I have two great sister's that are always here, and helping me fight this way overdue battle. I need to start being a better Mom to my three boys, for they are all that matters to me. I need to start living again, I know it will happen some day, but for now all I want is to get my own mind back. So I really wanted to thank each and everyone of you for all your kind words and to make me know I am not alone.

I'm so happy to hear that you told the police. That's the first step in your new life. Now the hard part. Have him deported. Yes it will hurt your son for awhile but things will be so much better once he sees how much happier everyone is. Bless your sisters for standing up for you. Mine woouldn't so you are very lucky.
Yes, you have to think of you now. Step by step you have to rebuild your life. Each step will seem so hard but soon you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've come. And things will get easier as you gain self-confidance.
Please take care of you and keep reaching for that next step. We all want to see you happy and healthy.
(((((Trice)))))
Kiki

 

[Gil_T2]

Dearest Bandit, Gil, Don, Kikmosa, Noor, Shadow,


Also anyone I have missed. I haven't posted in a while for I did call in the law, I have been a nervious reck. Things got pretty ugly, and I just hid myself in my bedroom, not wanting to face the world. Feeling alone, and just wishing not to live anymore. I would come on here every night and read all posts over and over. Then I started to think? I have not been living for a long time? Now is my chance, once and for all, and this time sticking with it. Not backing down. I am attending meetings with other abused Woman. I guess it was nice seeing and talking openly, with other's that we all are going through the same, I was sitting there and my heart went out to everyone of them. Not feeling my own pain but their pain. I don't know what lies ahead for me, but for now I am not looking ahead or back, just taking one day at a time. I was told that I could get my Ex, deported, for he is not a citizen of the US. So many things are going through my mind, should I take away my son's Father? Oh well for now I have to think of me, taking care of me. I have two great sister's that are always here, and helping me fight this way overdue battle. I need to start being a better Mom to my three boys, for they are all that matters to me. I need to start living again, I know it will happen some day, but for now all I want is to get my own mind back. So I really wanted to thank each and everyone of you for all your kind words and to make me know I am not alone.

First of all YOU need to live for those 3 boys who love you regardless of lifes ups & downs, I'm 50 & still chat daily to my mum.I'm glad that you are attending meetings this will help you more than you'll realise & later on you'll look back & know it has, as for your heart going out to the others at the meeting this is how this thread has grown as everyone has had their own private hell but freely come to offer support to others who need it, it's because we are caring ppl.As for the ex I think the youngest might miss him for some time but even he will be much better off without his dads influence leading him up his dads abusive ways....EXPORTATION is the safest way for you & the kids to be safe from him.

As you say it's now YOUR time to grow to the lady your had to hide because of the fears held in the past don't those 3 words sound good .... IN THE PAST !!!!!!!!

REMEMBER we are here for you to vent on or to use our shoulders to prop up on.

It's you time to live free

 

[Gil_T2]

TRICE....When your finding the lady within I hope to see a bright AV & a bright location too.

Draw on the strength your shown so far & progress to grow stronger day by day.

Are you going to seek professional counciling to help battle the DEMONS of the past ?

 

[Sapphiregem]

TRICE....When your finding the lady within I hope to see a bright AV & a bright location too.

Draw on the strength your shown so far & progress to grow stronger day by day.

Are you going to seek professional counciling to help battle the DEMONS of the past ?

Thanxs ((((((((Gil))))))))). I want to find that lady within more then anything. I am going back to my councilor twice a week.
She help me three years ago but then I thought I was strong enought to fight my own Demons and stopped? As for now I am taking it one day at a time. Where it leads me I am not sure, one thing I do know and hope for is it will be much better & happier then I am now................Thank You, everyone......Trice

 

[Bandit58]

Thanxs ((((((((Gil))))))))). I want to find that lady within more then anything. I am going back to my councilor twice a week.
She help me three years ago but then I thought I was strong enought to fight my own Demons and stopped? As for now I am taking it one day at a time. Where it leads me I am not sure, one thing I do know and hope for is it will be much better & happier then I am now................Thank You, everyone......Trice

Wishing you all the happiness you deserve and more hon I got out of my marriage nearly 2 years ago and I remember how scared and alone I felt, even though I had friends both online and off to support me in my decision. It also helped that I had a part time job to go to which kept my mind focused. But the main thing I remember was that a great weight had suddenly seemed to come off my shoulders, I was free of his emotional bullying and I hadn't realised how much it had brought me down until then

Now I am with Gil and have a new and much better life.....the last two years have been a wonderful journey finding the real ME after all this time.....and that I can finally BE myself with a man who loves me is a wonderful thing I never thought I'd have. I'm so glad that you found the strength to do something to rid your life of this person for good. I know it's hard when he is the father of your children I only have contact with my ex when it is to do with them now and mostly I talk with the kids only. Actually I'm glad there is an ocean between me and him......he can't ring me up and abuse me now (he might get Gil answer the phone plus he wouldn't spend the money he's so tight ).

BIG HUGS to you trice It does get better, and you have that strength you've shown already

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by trice247
Dearest Bandit, Gil, Don, Kikmosa, Noor, Shadow,


Also anyone I have missed. I haven't posted in a while for I did call in the law, I have been a nervious reck. Things got pretty ugly, and I just hid myself in my bedroom, not wanting to face the world. Feeling alone, and just wishing not to live anymore. I would come on here every night and read all posts over and over. Then I started to think? I have not been living for a long time? Now is my chance, once and for all, and this time sticking with it. Not backing down. I am attending meetings with other abused Woman. I guess it was nice seeing and talking openly, with other's that we all are going through the same, I was sitting there and my heart went out to everyone of them. Not feeling my own pain but their pain. I don't know what lies ahead for me, but for now I am not looking ahead or back, just taking one day at a time. I was told that I could get my Ex, deported, for he is not a citizen of the US. So many things are going through my mind, should I take away my son's Father? Oh well for now I have to think of me, taking care of me. I have two great sister's that are always here, and helping me fight this way overdue battle. I need to start being a better Mom to my three boys, for they are all that matters to me. I need to start living again, I know it will happen some day, but for now all I want is to get my own mind back. So I really wanted to thank each and everyone of you for all your kind words and to make me know I am not alone.

Congratulations Trice Like everyone before me said it's the first step and a step that is leading you in the right direction.

Deportation may be the only way to go...nothing comes easy when we are trying to emerge from an abusive relationship but with inner strength and courage you will succeed. Remember we are here for you to talk to and put your head on our shoulder.

We've all gone through some form of abuse and like you I wanted to give up but with time, finding someone, inner strength, courage, taking things one day at a time and most of all having everyone here (Gil, Bandit, Noor, Don, Kiki and others I can't all name - it would take up too much space) who made me realize I was not alone and I did not/do not deserve to be abused physically, mentally and/or emotionally.

Take care of yourself and your sons and keep moving forward - the past will be the past before you know it!

 

[shadow_dreamer]

SENDING EVERYONE A BIG HUGGGG , and ..


.HAPPY VALENTIN'E'S DAY TO ALL!!!!

 

[Ravishing]

Just another page in history

Everyone at some stage has a tale to tell. In the hope that their experience in sharing it will help another find the courage. I've read a few pages from here, and each one was just another tear in my heart.

I of cause have my own. Like some it's long, it's hard and it's ever so painful to spill out. But due to the nature of when it began I don't feel it right to burden these boards with it. Except to say it ended 10 years ago, and I'm 26 now. Before that, well I lost in some ways 11 1/2 years.

It's for those reasons I wont go into the sordid details, no matter the nature of this thread, some tales are just too horrifing to grace into words. Any can of cause ask via PM about it. It may take, many, many conversations, but it's a long tale to tell.

To all who've written here in the last two years, may the godess and selune watch you.

Blessed Be,
~ Ravishing ~

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Just another page in history

Everyone at some stage has a tale to tell. In the hope that their experience in sharing it will help another find the courage. I've read a few pages from here, and each one was just another tear in my heart.

I of cause have my own. Like some it's long, it's hard and it's ever so painful to spill out. But due to the nature of when it began I don't feel it right to burden these boards with it. Except to say it ended 10 years ago, and I'm 26 now. Before that, well I lost in some ways 11 1/2 years.

It's for those reasons I wont go into the sordid details, no matter the nature of this thread, some tales are just too horrifing to grace into words. Any can of cause ask via PM about it. It may take, many, many conversations, but it's a long tale to tell.

To all who've written here in the last two years, may the godess and selune watch you.

Blessed Be,
~ Ravishing ~

RAVISHING...Thanks for comming in & posting & unless you want to tell more as a method of venting the past your post has said volumes already of what horrors your had in a very young life, the good part of reading ppl's early post is the positive of their later posts here & the growth & strength they have.

You might not get a PM from anyof us but it's not because we don't care, your decisions to post or not are yours alone BUT do feel free to PM any of us if you wish to talk, there are no professionals here just survivers & ppl who care.

 

[A Valentine]

Congratulations!! Well done!! You have taken a stand and want something better for yourself and your kids. The support group is a wonderful idea . . . try to do at least six meetings before you decide to give it up . . . better still, don't give it up because the other group members gain strength from your progress.

Deportation sounds good . . . it removes the problem to a manageable distance . . . far away . . . you need about 18 months of hassle free living to re-establish yourself . . . and this is a matter of you putting yourself first, because until you are strong in yourself you cannot successfully help your family.

BELATED HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYBODY! X 2


THE VALENTINE DAY PRANK THAT MISFIRED

Well, Valentine’s Day was approaching . . . what could I do on Lit to make it a good day for somebody special? The essence of Valentine’s Day was that the recipient did not know who had sent the greeting, but was given sufficient clues to be able to work it out. There was no malicious intent. Just the opportunity to spread a little cheer and good will.

The plan crystallized on Thursday night . . . send a Valentine’s Day PM to the lovely ladies that I frequently enjoy meeting on Lit. A little good fun sharing of the spirit of the Day . . . but given the necessity of handles on PMs, the essence of sender secrecy was necessarily lost. I mean “Be My Valentine” with a sender tag “Don K Dyck” somehow doesn’t have the same excitement as,
say,

“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Good looking guys go for
Sensuous girls like you.

“Happy Valentine’s Day”

Then the traditional dozen roses sent as the Lit limits require, six singles x 2 on the bottom, and hopefully, a warm fuzzy glow would be created for the recipient.

The only problem was the PM nic tag . . . how to overcome? . . .

Brainwave!!! I would start a new subscription for the day . . . something with a Valentine’s Day message built in . . . say, A Valentine . . . then the PM nic tag would be part of the message . . . you know, “Hi” sender “A Valentine” . . . a simply brilliant solution!!! WRONG!!!

In the excitement I completely overlooked the “Unregistered” wars of late 2003 on the GB when Manu had quite correctly limited one membership to one address. Now not being any sort of computer expert, I didn’t know how Manu somewhere in the depths of darkest U$A could discover how one little subscriber high in the hills of SE Australia had started a second thread . . . for the innocent Valentine’s Day prank, or any other reason. Uhm . . . well, Manu can do all that and more . . .

It was difficult . . . Lit refused to accept a second subscription from an existing address . . . (that should have been a warning . . . it wasn’t) . . . simple solution . . . start a whole new Internet identity. Off to Hotmail for a long interaction establishing that new identity, and back to Lit to subscribe . . . AND WIPE OUT THE WHOLE DETAIL OF DON K DYCK AS IF HE HAD NEVER EXISTED!!!

Now does anybody have any ideas for how I recover Don K Dyck from the WPB of LIterotica?? <Help!!! >

 

[Don K Dyck]

He's Back!!!

I'm Back!! I don't quite know how . . . but I'm back!!

No more A Valantine . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: He's Back!!!

I'm Back!! I don't quite know how . . . but I'm back!!

No more A Valantine . . .

Well now your got the secret to double ID on LIT you might try again next year for VALENTINES DAY

 

[lizzie anne]

how?

How do you help someone get over being abused
I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

===========
yep'r.......same feeling here.....i hate what others do,.....and i get judged for it.
i have zero patent answers.......but then?,,,,,,who do you know.....lives in a textbook? not me for sure.
i have had a long lonely road......from my childhood abuses.
no mentor like people.......just a few odd friends that say.....well if it were me-----
i have had to do some deep reflections. and no i do not like what i became.....but i didn't know.....
now i am feeling better a little more each day....
but i have had-to.......do it alone.....
the shrinks will tell you anyway......YOU make YOUR decisions....
its ALL in YOUR hands.
and i got even more p.o.'ed......
now i do see a different world......one i didn't know existed except fairy tales and soap operas.
i wish everyone well on their path through the darkness,,,,,,trying to find their own personal beam of light.....
lawdy 'chile......hard to see heaven when you are in a ditch 8 feet down,......w/o any help.......

lizzie

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: how?

How do you help someone get over being abused
I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

===========
yep'r.......same feeling here.....i hate what others do,.....and i get judged for it.
i have zero patent answers.......but then?,,,,,,who do you know.....lives in a textbook? not me for sure.
i have had a long lonely road......from my childhood abuses.
no mentor like people.......just a few odd friends that say.....well if it were me-----
i have had to do some deep reflections. and no i do not like what i became.....but i didn't know.....
now i am feeling better a little more each day....
but i have had-to.......do it alone.....
the shrinks will tell you anyway......YOU make YOUR decisions....
its ALL in YOUR hands.
and i got even more p.o.'ed......
now i do see a different world......one i didn't know existed except fairy tales and soap operas.
i wish everyone well on their path through the darkness,,,,,,trying to find their own personal beam of light.....
lawdy 'chile......hard to see heaven when you are in a ditch 8 feet down,......w/o any help.......

lizzie

LIZZIE ROSE....Each has their own story to tell of what they have suffered & the only thing I've found is to be OPEN & HONEST with each that comes here I do care for each & everyone who does come here looking for someone who cares & we have lots of ppl here who do care & if you read through the thread you will see several who have seen the BRIGHT LIGHTS OF HOPE can shine again even though the DEMONS are there they (the demons) slowly get pushed further to the rear as time goes, there are no experts here just survivers who do care.Sadly as you found the SHRINKS really don't have a clue but through the ABUSE help lines there are ppl who do know the horrors confronted by VICTIMS of Abuse, ABUSE groupes also help as it is Abused ppl talking together & as TRICE found when she attended she just jumped in to help others as they would do for her too. Talking it over with other survivers does help.... much more than SHRINKS who have no experience to draw on (Like the one who told me "Your a man get over it!").

Feel free to PM any of us as you will be most welcome as we do care & know as all have had their own DEMONS.

As BANDIT & I can verify LOVE can be found.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: how?

How do you help someone get over being abused
I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

===========
yep'r.......same feeling here.....i hate what others do,.....and i get judged for it.
i have zero patent answers.......but then?,,,,,,who do you know.....lives in a textbook? not me for sure.
i have had a long lonely road......from my childhood abuses.
no mentor like people.......just a few odd friends that say.....well if it were me-----
i have had to do some deep reflections. and no i do not like what i became.....but i didn't know.....
now i am feeling better a little more each day....
but i have had-to.......do it alone.....
the shrinks will tell you anyway......YOU make YOUR decisions....
its ALL in YOUR hands.
and i got even more p.o.'ed......
now i do see a different world......one i didn't know existed except fairy tales and soap operas.
i wish everyone well on their path through the darkness,,,,,,trying to find their own personal beam of light.....
lawdy 'chile......hard to see heaven when you are in a ditch 8 feet down,......w/o any help.......

lizzie

Hi lizzie anne . . . I guess you give support by telling your own story and how you have progressed from the day YOU decided YOU wanted something better than you had then . . . and now . . . and YOUR dreams into the future . . .

Gil started this caring thread for one lady . . . and many other people, male and female, have benefitted from the friendship and wisdom on these pages . . . myself included.

I guess you take what you like and leave the rest . . . one thing is for sure . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE ... EVER!!!

Then, as others have said:-

THE RELATIONSHIP STOPS WHEN THE ABUSE STARTS

Share what YOU want when YOU are ready . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Just a bump to keep the thread in sight if needed.

 

[autumn_moon]

Just a bump to keep the thread in sight if needed.

Still here and alive.

I was asked to PM you to let you know that, but I've turned off PMs

 

[Gil_T2]

Still here and alive.

I was asked to PM you to let you know that, but I've turned off PMs

So nice to see you drop in & hope all is well for you & those your incontact with, I/we do worry about the ppl we meet here when they don't drop by.