fire_breeze
Softly Seductive
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2007
- Posts
- 47,769
No no no.... "dances with depression" are NOT the same as having a deep fight with depression. Now your words don't elaborate on how far in depression you were. But if you're describing it as a "dance," I would say that you have no earthly idea what depression is... As far as destroying your marriage, well I'm solely opposed to the concept of marriage in the first place. Marriage is not how humankind is hardwired. It's a cultural thing and if you look at stats... it's a disaster based on its very foundation. Marriages get destroyed more often than not. So... yeah... that doesn't mean you had a real fight with depression.
Okay so the brain is the sole source of what our body does. It facilitates, directs, and controls all actions of what we do. The picking up the ball analogy is perfect because the person literally cannot pick up the ball because they... well... just can't. The connection to the arm is still there. It's the BRAIN that is messed up.
The same can be said with ATTITUDE, MOTIVE, and DECISION MAKING. Think of those three concepts as your ARMS or LEGS. Maybe someone has "paralysis" of attitude? Maybe somebody is making poor decisions? Maybe they lack motive? It's all the same! The brain dictates what happens.
You see, I will take a little bit of pride in the fact that I have a PROFESSIONAL degree. Though I do NOT have extensive training in the central nervous system, I will say that I understand it a little better than any Joe Schmo off the street (don't misinterpret that to say that I'm calling you nor anybody else a "Joe Schmo." I have no idea WHAT YOU KNOW about the brain. You could be a neuroscience genius!) But regardless, I was caught off guard one day when I was casually talking about dopamine one day at work and NOBODY knew what dopamine actually did in the brain. I looked around... in a pharmacy. And then I asked "Do you guys not know the mechanisms of the reward center in the brain?" I received the deer-in-the-headlights look. "What about serotonin?" Glares.
My point? I understand the brain. I GET IT. Yes, I understand that there is a HUGE problem with what's going on in my head. I understand at least on a basic level the workings and mechanics of depression, anxiety, and how the brain works. So I'm just trying to figure out how my own brain can be fixed. Saying that you would hit somebody with a 2 x 4 because they're messed up will NOT get you nor them anywhere. All that's showing is your lack of understanding, your lack of compassion, and your frustration that they cannot get over their obstacles. You don't have that same frustration with a person who is PHYSICALLY paralyzed and cannot pick up a ball because you UNDERSTAND, you have COMPASSION, and you're NOT FRUSTRATED with them. They literally cannot do it. And it's because of the brain, not because of their muscles or arms.
Now, that brings up another point. Enabling? Enabling doesn't help either. I know that. So we can't just take people who have crippling depression or addiction and just let them live a life of constantly feeding off of their poison. So what's the answer? Well, the answer goes all the way back to the topics of evolution and natural selection. We need to let those people die. And because of culture and government, we have allowed those who are weak to be dragged on to the next stage. That's wasteful. The very thing that just gets under your skin. You're so mad, so infuriated, so frustrated with somebody like me who is draining precious resources from our earth. Welp, you can think culture and government for that.
Okay so yes, you're right. I am ignorant when it comes to what HR actually does. All I know is what I've seen from those HR representatives who have given speeches at orientations for work. I've never had any run-ins with HR ever but they just all seem to have a quirky control attitude which just presses my buttons wrong. I don't really care to go any further with the topic of HR. But when you talk about your work in other threads (I've seen maybe once or twice), I got that same vibe which is really more irritating than anything. So ultimately disregard the comment about HR's contribution to inhibiting natural selection.
Let me pose another question. This is somewhat hypothetical. How did a person like me become a pharmacist? How did make it through the 8 years of school and succeeding? How DO I continually make it though the daily stresses of going to work and handling my overall situation? Pretty interesting concept... a man with terrible depression, anxiety, and fear who has succeeded in profession which would be considered a very difficult objective. Or hell... maybe I'm NOT succeeding. Maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew. Hmm... weird.
As for your question, you do realise that statistically a large number of people who went to graduate school - that is, any other intensive schooling after getting a bachelor's - suffered, either temporarily or clinically, from depression. There are a lot of articles on the fact. Not just grad students, but also medical students as well. The two are not contradictions. In fact, you seem to fit very well into the post-bachelor's dynamic. Sorry, buddy.
Furthermore, Christopher, many of us do know what you are going through because we have been there, regardless if we call it 'dancing with depression' or being 'sunk into the hole'. How one person describes what s/he went/is going through does not diminish anyone's experiences because we've been there. Let me reiterate:
Many. Of. Us. Has. Been. There.
Many of us has hit rock bottom and then had boiling shit poured over us before being danced upon. The details are inconsequential. However, you are not the only one who experiences depression. Your situation is unique because it is yours. Another person's situation is unique because it is theirs. That said, you cannot say that one's person's stumble with depression is less real than yours because one does not live in a context that you deem acceptable. For you, it threatens your ability to act as a social being. For another, it threatened a commitment that is the foundation of her being. For someone else, it becomes a danger in how he can function at work, threatening his livelihood. Depression is depression, no matter what form it takes and what it threatens. Many of us knows what it is like to literally drown, to struggle to take a breath, let alone climb out of bed as if nothing has happened.
But many of us who has climbed out of the pit did it because we wanted to. It's one thing to understand what's going on, it's another to want to change. A silly comparison, but I completely understood that eating badly and not exercising was causing me to gain weight. Yet, it only took me actually wanting to be healthy for me to actually do something about it, thus losing 80lbs. Doctors could have prescribed me meds, but without the desire and the effort, it would have been futile. Similarly, you know and understand depression, and what is your brain doing, but unless you want and accept help... well.
You come on-line. You ask questions. You may frustrate us because we see your potential and so desperately want to help, and yet we can't, because you are not letting us. Then you say that maybe we should leave you alone or that you are not worth helping. That is not your call to make. It never was.
(NB, maybe YOU'RE opposed to the idea of marriage, but throughout much of homo sapiens' existence, the institute of marriage, however form it took, prospered and was/is crucial to most, if not all, societies and cultures. Furthermore, the stats you mention is centred around the Western sphere post 1990s and is not applicable historically or cross-culturally. Just a sore point with generalisation in anthropological matters with me, as I think you can understand).
With that being said, here are TWO events that happened this weekend. First of all, I had a very cute redhead ask me TO COME TO HER HOUSE on Friday. She said that she was GOING TO GET DRUNK. She wanted me to come over. She's 21 years old and she has been asking me to go out with her for about 3 months. I haven't declined but I have ignored all requests. On Thursday after work, she took me by the shoulders and said "HEY, IF YOU'RE BORED TOMORROW NIGHT, COME TO MY HOUSE. I'm GETTING DRUNK." Welp, she texted me yesterday and I ignored it. She is very nice and my friend. But I still played WoW instead.
The second instance. My good guy friend begged me to hang out tonight. He said we needed to just chill and grab some beers. He's a pharmacist and likes to hang out with me. I refused because I knew that I would be playing WoW.
Gaming vs. Relationships isn't just about sexual relationships. It's about relationships in general. I am playing WoW. I love it. I can't stop.
So... what's my deal? Am I a lost cause? I guess? If I'm not a lost cause, then what can I do to fix it? Guess nothing. I guess I have to fix it on my own.
Where am I heading? What is my ultimate destination? I dunno.... but you guys MUST realize that the brain is the most difficult organ to fight. If you have the guts, you have it. If you have the BALLS then you ALREADY ALREADY ALREADY had them. You DO NOT grow a pair. YOU ALREADY HAD THEM in the first place. You don't grow a set. You are who you are. That's it. The weak are the weak and the strong are the strong.
Why are you even fighting this? Let the weak die? Why are you fighting natural selection? Why are you saying that people "get over" stuff? NOPE, that's not true. The strong get over obstacles. The weak... die.... the weak... die.... the weak... THEY FUCKING DIE. Get over it. Don't tell ME to get over it. You let ME FUCKING DIE. Otherwise, I'll be a wasteful human who sucks the life out of the planet which will eventually burn up by the sun's death.
I am smart enough to know the truth. And the truth hurts. Even for you guys. Sorry... you have let the weak soak up your natural resources. Oops!
You realise that you have an addiction. A cute redhead asks you to come over and your best friend asks you to hang out. You ask if you are a lost cause. Many of us said no, you are not. You ask what to do to fix it. Many of us recommended many ways, not limited to a counsellor that you get along with (which takes a long time to find one that you can work with), rehab, therapy or even Gaming Anonymous. Addiction is a disease, and it's treatable (note that I said treatable, not curable). But, like any addiction, like any illness really, you have to not only acknowledge it (which you have) but also want to do something about it.
There is a reason why you went on this path of addiction. Maybe it is fear. Maybe it is low self-esteem. Maybe it's shoring up confidence. You feel safe and secure in playing WoW. Maybe you don't want to be hurt and disappointed by others. Who knows? I'm not a psychologist. But you have a disease and while there are many proven effective means to control said disease, unless you try and work at it, it ain't gonna do squat. You don't just fix it, and you certainly cannot do it alone. Sorry, bud.
You, my friend, have an illness. You are not weak. Being weak would mean not giving a flying rat's ass, not debating and defending depression as a valid illness. Being weak would mean not coming on here. Being weak would mean not acknowledging that you actually have addiction. That's what weak is.
There is no such thing as 'doctor heal thyself'. You know you should but you won't. I don't know if you are so terrified to actually change or you are terrified at letting yourself be happy.
Bottom line of this exceedingly long and rambling post? People care about you. They want to help. They are willing to spend time with you because you are you and they like you, so suck it up Princess. But while they can give you everything that you need, you are the one who actually has to reach out and grab what's offered.
Sorry, but that's the way it works.