Gaming vs Relationships

[njlauren]

What Christopher is doing is jerking us all off, because in reality, he doesn't want to help himself. He knows he has mental health issues (the fact that he equates what he has with someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic says despite being a Phd in Pharm, which doesn't impress me all that much, guy who works for me with a Phd in aeronautical engineering impresses me, says he doesn't know jack, mental health issues are on a continuum, and social anxiety and depression are not on the same scale as bipolar and schizophrenia), but then spends all this time telling us how there is nothing he can do, that the mental health practitioners suck, how he is an alcoholic, etc.......he can't even think rationally, when he said he stopped taking xanax and booze, and his hands shook, didn't dawn on him that if he wanted to try testing, you don't drop multiple things then assume it was all of them...I wonder what colleges he went to when he doesn't even know how to test an hypothesis?

And then the whole "Oh, I am so weak, I shouldn't be allowed to live" is the biggest cop out of them all, it is wallowing in misery and saying 'woebetide me, feel sorry for me, etc"......yeah, some people are more resilient then others, but what Christopher is looking for is people to pity him, tell him poor baby, I understand..well, guess what, Chris, no fucking way am I going to do that. No, you don't yell at a person with one leg missing because they can't walk, but you do tell them it isn't the end of the world, either, that they have alternatives, that they can't grow another leg but can get an artificial leg that will allow them to walk, I have sympathy for someone who is struggling, I have no sympathy for someone who reaches out for help but then gets their jollies off in self pitying ooze and using what passes for a brain to justify what they are doing. Unfortunately, having a good brain doesn't make for someone able to help themselves, and Chris is a good example, his mind is using every fucking trick it can find to justify not doing anything, claiming it is the system, HR, other people, mental illness, etc, when the answer is quite honestly his brain is the biggest problem, because it can generate a million reasons not to do things, to keep justifying being someone not actually living in this world....

First of all, Christopher, for someone who claims to know about substances and substance abuse, you seem to ignore something obvious, that substance abuse is common among those with mental illness trying to self med their pain. Your addiction to videogames and alcohol (and yes, I think he is addicted to both), are not about getting needs met, that is bullshit, what videogames and alcohol do is the one thing you crave, it takes away the pain of dealing with your issues, it is a crutch, both are in effect elaborate fantasies to keep from actually having a life.....you aren't an alcoholic because your body craves alcohol, you are an alcoholic because with booze, you don't have to deal with reality. Games don't give you emotional support, they basically separate from real life, so you don't have to deal with it....you don't enjoy gaming because you enjoy it, you enjoy it because it isn't real, it is pretend reality, it is why cyber relationships and such are a pale comparison to the real thing, they are proxies to what you can do for real. Your weakness isn't that you are a weak person, your weakness is that you have learned to wallow in your own misery and pretend like no one else knows what you misery is..well, chief, that is crap. People writing on here have lived life, and while they might not be bipolar (which you prob aren't, either, you don't take xanax for that, or schizo), they have faced all kinds of things, as I have, and we all have been where you are I would bet, feeling paralyzed, etc......I can't speak for others, but what got me getting help was when I realized what I was going to lose if I didn't get help, and when that happened, things cascaded and a lot of things came to light, it rarely is one thing....and among other things, it means that a charming young man, my child, will not have had put on him the bs I had put on me by my family and so forth...

You obviously realize something is wrong, because you wouldn't be writing here if it didn't, yet you don't want to do anything about it. If I had a friend that was in a wheelchair, I wouldn't yell at him for not walking, but I would point out all the things he was denying himself out of self pity, I would do everything I could to support him but I wouldn't let him wallow, either, as I would expect him to do for me. I have faced some tough life choices, including cutting off basically who I am, because of circumstances, and what friends did for me when I was down was to point out that I made decisions based on what I felt I needed to do, and that I still had a lot of living to do, they wouldn't let me do it.....

You can live in your addled world, Chris, of games and booze, but you are justifying it with all kinds of utter bullshit, you are claiming handicaps you don't have, you are claiming there is nothing that can be done, yet you keep asking people what can be done....and want to know what the biggest one is? Shut that magnificent brain of yours off, tell your Phd in Pharm to do something useful and act as liner in a bird cage, and actually listen to what people tell you. Go find a therapist, and instead of using your brain to say it is all bullshit, listen to them; if you are taking Xanax take it without the booze, and see what happens (hate to tell you, Mr. Phd, but alcohol is a depressant, and more importantly, it undermines what Xanax does, or for that matter what any Dopamine or serotonin based med does, it blocks the effects and also fouls up neurotransmitters that both act upon)....if a hot girl asks you over, instead of ignoring her, say "not this week, but maybe we could get together another time" if you panic).

You are functioning, but want to know the reality, Chris? You may function like this for a while,maybe years, but eventually games and booze are going to destroy you, and want to know something? It is going to destroy the one thing you do treasure, your career as a pharmacist and all the work you put into it, I will lay good money I don't have that within the next X years, your job will go into the shitter, too....yeah, people function for years as functioning alcoholics, as drug addicts, and so forth, but eventually, it gets them, and the fallout isn't pleasant. If that isn't enough to get you to help yourself, well, then I wish you luck. If you really want help, I think there are a lot of nice people on here (along with some jerks), who will tell you what they think and be supportive, but if you don't want help, then continue on this path, but don't bother people on here with it, if you decide it is a lost cause, if there is nothing that can be done, that this is the best you can be, than live with it, but don't bother others with questions or ask help when you get your jollies off on telling them they don't know anything, how you are hopeless, etc,....that is you playing games with people, rather than asking for help, and quite honestly I think you get off on fucking with people to a certain extent, that your responses and such aren't just trying to duck actually doing something, you get satisfaction out of using your 'superior' brain to fuck with people, and that is pathetic....

 

[Christopher2012]

What Christopher is doing is jerking us all off, because in reality, he doesn't want to help himself. He knows he has mental health issues (the fact that he equates what he has with someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic says despite being a Phd in Pharm, which doesn't impress me all that much, guy who works for me with a Phd in aeronautical engineering impresses me, says he doesn't know jack, mental health issues are on a continuum, and social anxiety and depression are not on the same scale as bipolar and schizophrenia), but then spends all this time telling us how there is nothing he can do, that the mental health practitioners suck, how he is an alcoholic, etc.......he can't even think rationally, when he said he stopped taking xanax and booze, and his hands shook, didn't dawn on him that if he wanted to try testing, you don't drop multiple things then assume it was all of them...I wonder what colleges he went to when he doesn't even know how to test an hypothesis?

And then the whole "Oh, I am so weak, I shouldn't be allowed to live" is the biggest cop out of them all, it is wallowing in misery and saying 'woebetide me, feel sorry for me, etc"......yeah, some people are more resilient then others, but what Christopher is looking for is people to pity him, tell him poor baby, I understand..well, guess what, Chris, no fucking way am I going to do that. No, you don't yell at a person with one leg missing because they can't walk, but you do tell them it isn't the end of the world, either, that they have alternatives, that they can't grow another leg but can get an artificial leg that will allow them to walk, I have sympathy for someone who is struggling, I have no sympathy for someone who reaches out for help but then gets their jollies off in self pitying ooze and using what passes for a brain to justify what they are doing. Unfortunately, having a good brain doesn't make for someone able to help themselves, and Chris is a good example, his mind is using every fucking trick it can find to justify not doing anything, claiming it is the system, HR, other people, mental illness, etc, when the answer is quite honestly his brain is the biggest problem, because it can generate a million reasons not to do things, to keep justifying being someone not actually living in this world....

First of all, Christopher, for someone who claims to know about substances and substance abuse, you seem to ignore something obvious, that substance abuse is common among those with mental illness trying to self med their pain. Your addiction to videogames and alcohol (and yes, I think he is addicted to both), are not about getting needs met, that is bullshit, what videogames and alcohol do is the one thing you crave, it takes away the pain of dealing with your issues, it is a crutch, both are in effect elaborate fantasies to keep from actually having a life.....you aren't an alcoholic because your body craves alcohol, you are an alcoholic because with booze, you don't have to deal with reality. Games don't give you emotional support, they basically separate from real life, so you don't have to deal with it....you don't enjoy gaming because you enjoy it, you enjoy it because it isn't real, it is pretend reality, it is why cyber relationships and such are a pale comparison to the real thing, they are proxies to what you can do for real. Your weakness isn't that you are a weak person, your weakness is that you have learned to wallow in your own misery and pretend like no one else knows what you misery is..well, chief, that is crap. People writing on here have lived life, and while they might not be bipolar (which you prob aren't, either, you don't take xanax for that, or schizo), they have faced all kinds of things, as I have, and we all have been where you are I would bet, feeling paralyzed, etc......I can't speak for others, but what got me getting help was when I realized what I was going to lose if I didn't get help, and when that happened, things cascaded and a lot of things came to light, it rarely is one thing....and among other things, it means that a charming young man, my child, will not have had put on him the bs I had put on me by my family and so forth...

You obviously realize something is wrong, because you wouldn't be writing here if it didn't, yet you don't want to do anything about it. If I had a friend that was in a wheelchair, I wouldn't yell at him for not walking, but I would point out all the things he was denying himself out of self pity, I would do everything I could to support him but I wouldn't let him wallow, either, as I would expect him to do for me. I have faced some tough life choices, including cutting off basically who I am, because of circumstances, and what friends did for me when I was down was to point out that I made decisions based on what I felt I needed to do, and that I still had a lot of living to do, they wouldn't let me do it.....

You can live in your addled world, Chris, of games and booze, but you are justifying it with all kinds of utter bullshit, you are claiming handicaps you don't have, you are claiming there is nothing that can be done, yet you keep asking people what can be done....and want to know what the biggest one is? Shut that magnificent brain of yours off, tell your Phd in Pharm to do something useful and act as liner in a bird cage, and actually listen to what people tell you. Go find a therapist, and instead of using your brain to say it is all bullshit, listen to them; if you are taking Xanax take it without the booze, and see what happens (hate to tell you, Mr. Phd, but alcohol is a depressant, and more importantly, it undermines what Xanax does, or for that matter what any Dopamine or serotonin based med does, it blocks the effects and also fouls up neurotransmitters that both act upon)....if a hot girl asks you over, instead of ignoring her, say "not this week, but maybe we could get together another time" if you panic).

You are functioning, but want to know the reality, Chris? You may function like this for a while,maybe years, but eventually games and booze are going to destroy you, and want to know something? It is going to destroy the one thing you do treasure, your career as a pharmacist and all the work you put into it, I will lay good money I don't have that within the next X years, your job will go into the shitter, too....yeah, people function for years as functioning alcoholics, as drug addicts, and so forth, but eventually, it gets them, and the fallout isn't pleasant. If that isn't enough to get you to help yourself, well, then I wish you luck. If you really want help, I think there are a lot of nice people on here (along with some jerks), who will tell you what they think and be supportive, but if you don't want help, then continue on this path, but don't bother people on here with it, if you decide it is a lost cause, if there is nothing that can be done, that this is the best you can be, than live with it, but don't bother others with questions or ask help when you get your jollies off on telling them they don't know anything, how you are hopeless, etc,....that is you playing games with people, rather than asking for help, and quite honestly I think you get off on fucking with people to a certain extent, that your responses and such aren't just trying to duck actually doing something, you get satisfaction out of using your 'superior' brain to fuck with people, and that is pathetic....

Understood. Thanks.

 

[Lord Pmann]

See the guidelines, asshole. Done here... You guys win. Way to go.

You poor martyr. Should we stop picking on you? Should we stop begging you to come here, begging you to post threads asking for help and forcing our advice on you? Do you need an advice rape whistle?

I am so sorry we all care enough about you to post advice for a question YOU asked, even after your history of being a dickwad time and time again. You are your own worst enemy. We are offering advice to you because we actually want to see you get better. But your know it all "I've got a PhD in pharmacy" attitude is annoying as fuck. You've been a pharmacist for one fucking year. You don't know everything. God you're like those nitwit engineers I see who come out of engineering school with an MBA and they think they know it all because they have degrees. You have a pharmacy degree. That's a fantastic job. But it doesn't mean you know shit. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. But all the degrees and knowledge in the world are as useless as tits on a bull if you don't put it to use. You know you have addictions. You know you've got the social skills of a piranha. You know you're destroying your life. So, there's a heap of knowledge that doesn't mean shit.

I'll tell you something someone told me long ago and it has changed the way I react and interact with people. I know you won't listen, but here it is anyway. When I was being a total dickhoe in an argument, someone said the following:

"You might be the smartest person in the room, but you're not smarter than everyone in the room."

Maybe you have a more advanced degree than most, but compared to the collective life experiences of everyone here, you don't know shit. So maybe, you should listen.

There are always a group of people here who will offer advice to your questions. But most people aren't going to take your disrespectful shit, Chris. It's one thing to have your own problems. It's another to be a complete shithead and blame it on your brain. You're just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole.

 

[Christopher2012]

You poor martyr. Should we stop picking on you? Should we stop begging you to come here, begging you to post threads asking for help and forcing our advice on you? Do you need an advice rape whistle?

I am so sorry we all care enough about you to post advice for a question YOU asked, even after your history of being a dickwad time and time again. You are your own worst enemy. We are offering advice to you because we actually want to see you get better. But your know it all "I've got a PhD in pharmacy" attitude is annoying as fuck. You've been a pharmacist for one fucking year. You don't know everything. God you're like those nitwit engineers I see who come out of engineering school with an MBA and they think they know it all because they have degrees. You have a pharmacy degree. That's a fantastic job. But it doesn't mean you know shit. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. But all the degrees and knowledge in the world are as useless as tits on a bull if you don't put it to use. You know you have addictions. You know you've got the social skills of a piranha. You know you're destroying your life. So, there's a heap of knowledge that doesn't mean shit.

I'll tell you something someone told me long ago and it has changed the way I react and interact with people. I know you won't listen, but here it is anyway. When I was being a total dickhoe in an argument, someone said the following:

"You might be the smartest person in the room, but you're not smarter than everyone in the room."

Maybe you have a more advanced degree than most, but compared to the collective life experiences of everyone here, you don't know shit. So maybe, you should listen.

There are always a group of people here who will offer advice to your questions. But most people aren't going to take your disrespectful shit, Chris. It's one thing to have your own problems. It's another to be a complete shithead and blame it on your brain. You're just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole.

Understood. Thanks.

 

[Christopher2012]

On a serious note, I'm seriously sorry that you guys are having to deal with this. Just like my IRL friends, I think its best for me to isolate myself from everybody on Lit. I have lost pretty much everybody that is my friend. So I totally understand that you guys are frustrated with me, feel that my logic is ridiculous, and feel that I insult you 100%. I'm genuinely sorry. I think you are best to completely block me from your lives just like I told my female friend. I hurt her in so many ways. I dunno....

I will continue to question why I'm in this situation. I will continue to push towards help even though it may seem like I'm delving deeper into my addictions and problems. I truly do not realize the consequences of my actions at this point...

Like I said, my logic is completely flawed. I get that. I will leave you guys ALONE 100%. Hopefully, I will be strengthened by this situation. My outlook is grim but maybe I will overcome this obstacle. I realize that there is a serious problem and I am desperately seeking help in any way possible. I fight each one of you but I know that I am FUCKED up in the mind. My cousin shot himself in the chest with a shotgun. My step-sister was a prostitute druggy who died at less than 40-years-old, my aunt is addicted to pain meds, and I am trying my best to understand and avoid the same fate. So... my fate is decided by MYSELF. Will I decide to give all up? Will I decide to come clean? Who knows? I am flawed. Sucks. Oh well.

We will see what happens... or maybe I will see what will happen. Or maybe I will die trying. Who the hell knows?

Thanks for the advice. Of course, you guys should give up! WTF were you thinking answering me? lol You knew this would happen! It has been happening for YEARS! This is not some new revolution for you. So quit answering if you feel as though I'm not worth it.... It's THAT easy.

 

[njlauren]

Just as a final word, in case you decide to take a run off powder from here, families with history of issues tend to be caused either by fucked up dynamics, or genetic issues. One thought for you, out of the blue, some families cannot tolerate sugars and grains well, and your drinking may be adding to this. Mariel Hemingway has written a lot about her famous family (grandfather committed suicide, sister committed suicide, uncle was tortured by being transgender and drank a lot to cope, etc), and she said she believes part of it was genetic, that intolerance for grains and sugar had a large role, and she seems so far to have avoided the curse...I am no expert, but you could be making it worse with the drinking, if you want to try an experiment, limit your exposure to wheat products and sugar as much as possible (refined sugar, fruit is okay), stop the drinking, stick with the Xanax and see what happens, how you feel. Worth a shot, it can't be worse than what you claim is going on......

 

[bailadora]

I will continue to push towards help even though it may seem like I'm delving deeper into my addictions and problems.

This is really all that people were/are exhorting you to do. I'm sure that there are others who will think I'm insane for saying this, but I don't think you should stop asking questions here, if it's somehow going to help you find the impetuous you need, or help point you in the right direction.

BUT....here's another thing to consider: you ever hear of the saying "Don't try to bullshit a bullshitter"? Yeah, that. Those of us who have danced, fought, battled, wrestled or whatever verb we chose to describe what we have been through with depression, addiction, mental illness or other catastrophes that have we've had to deal with in our lives, are intimately acquainted with the lies and excuses we tell ourselves in order to justify our inaction or giving up. First and foremost of which is " It's just too haaaarrrrd! No one else understaaaaands me." So if you do come back and you start that up again, you know those of us who have been there are going to call you out.

Lastly - to your point that those who have the courage to fight through have always had it. That's also a bullshit. It's ok to be scared out of your mind, it's ok to be unsure of where you're going, or what you should do next, it's ok to not know how you're going to find the strength to take your next breath, let alone keep it up for the next minute, hour, day, month. It's ok to make mistakes. But it is not OK to give up.

When I found the following quote, I was going to post it here until I saw how belligerent you were getting with people, so I put it in the quote thread. I don't know whether or not you'll allow it to take hold and give you hope, but it's worth a shot, so here goes:

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

But sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life.

That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”

To reiterate: It's ok to be scared. But don't give up!

 

[NightL]

Burying yourself in "why - why me?", no matter what analytical bull-shit you attach to it, continues to be more avoidance of just "doing". The effort you put into avoidance is massive - doing takes far far less work - but the outcome is unknown I admit - you just have no idea of what level of good you will feel compared to the total known of destructive avoidance.

How are the skin ulcers? Excessive gaming and all... and now that we cleared up the substance abuse issue.

Actually I apologise, while dependence on Xanax as a prescribed treatment is not substance abuse, misrepresenting your usage of it is abusive to the medical and psychiatry professions and to just about everyone else - Oh, and also to the Pharmacy Guild.

Tell us your positive steps you are going to take Chris - start with something small - then write about that. We all dare you Chris - just write about one positive thing you are going to do (and when you are going to do it) - then write up how you felt with the accomplishment of it.

My apologies to Em (and myself) on not following very sound advice

 

[Lord Pmann]

On a serious note, I'm seriously sorry that you guys are having to deal with this. Just like my IRL friends, I think its best for me to isolate myself from everybody on Lit. I have lost pretty much everybody that is my friend. So I totally understand that you guys are frustrated with me, feel that my logic is ridiculous, and feel that I insult you 100%. I'm genuinely sorry. I think you are best to completely block me from your lives just like I told my female friend. I hurt her in so many ways. I dunno....

I will continue to question why I'm in this situation. I will continue to push towards help even though it may seem like I'm delving deeper into my addictions and problems. I truly do not realize the consequences of my actions at this point...

Like I said, my logic is completely flawed. I get that. I will leave you guys ALONE 100%. Hopefully, I will be strengthened by this situation. My outlook is grim but maybe I will overcome this obstacle. I realize that there is a serious problem and I am desperately seeking help in any way possible. I fight each one of you but I know that I am FUCKED up in the mind. My cousin shot himself in the chest with a shotgun. My step-sister was a prostitute druggy who died at less than 40-years-old, my aunt is addicted to pain meds, and I am trying my best to understand and avoid the same fate. So... my fate is decided by MYSELF. Will I decide to give all up? Will I decide to come clean? Who knows? I am flawed. Sucks. Oh well.

We will see what happens... or maybe I will see what will happen. Or maybe I will die trying. Who the hell knows?

Thanks for the advice. Of course, you guys should give up! WTF were you thinking answering me? lol You knew this would happen! It has been happening for YEARS! This is not some new revolution for you. So quit answering if you feel as though I'm not worth it.... It's THAT easy.

I'll say this... Sorry I got frustrated and if I said anything mean. My intention truly wasn't to be mean, if any of my comments were perceived as such. You've got problems. But you're not someone that I think deserves to be deserted.

If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me. I'll listen. I'll give you advice, for whatever that's worth.

People here truly care about you Chris.

 

[fire_breeze]

On a serious note, I'm seriously sorry that you guys are having to deal with this. Just like my IRL friends, I think its best for me to isolate myself from everybody on Lit. I have lost pretty much everybody that is my friend. So I totally understand that you guys are frustrated with me, feel that my logic is ridiculous, and feel that I insult you 100%. I'm genuinely sorry. I think you are best to completely block me from your lives just like I told my female friend. I hurt her in so many ways. I dunno....

I will continue to question why I'm in this situation. I will continue to push towards help even though it may seem like I'm delving deeper into my addictions and problems. I truly do not realize the consequences of my actions at this point...

Like I said, my logic is completely flawed. I get that. I will leave you guys ALONE 100%. Hopefully, I will be strengthened by this situation. My outlook is grim but maybe I will overcome this obstacle. I realize that there is a serious problem and I am desperately seeking help in any way possible. I fight each one of you but I know that I am FUCKED up in the mind. My cousin shot himself in the chest with a shotgun. My step-sister was a prostitute druggy who died at less than 40-years-old, my aunt is addicted to pain meds, and I am trying my best to understand and avoid the same fate. So... my fate is decided by MYSELF. Will I decide to give all up? Will I decide to come clean? Who knows? I am flawed. Sucks. Oh well.

We will see what happens... or maybe I will see what will happen. Or maybe I will die trying. Who the hell knows?

Thanks for the advice. Of course, you guys should give up! WTF were you thinking answering me? lol You knew this would happen! It has been happening for YEARS! This is not some new revolution for you. So quit answering if you feel as though I'm not worth it.... It's THAT easy.

Apology accepted. You are the master of your own fate. You control and yes, you must take responsibility for your fate. But the beauty of it is that you get to decide what you want. So be a master (pun kinda intended).

People do care about you, Christopher. It is not your place to tell those who do to give up. That rests solely on those who cares. We are rooting for you.

So, instead of telling us to give up, why not take this opportunity to meet the challenge and fully tell your addiction, that very fate you are trying to avoid to fuck off? I dare you.

 

[Christopher2012]

I really wasn't expecting that... I was expecting a dead thread. Why are you guys still here? Seriously, just like my female friend from Final Fantasy, I will tell you the same. It's best to just let go. I hurt her and I'll hurt you. I have no idea what I'm capable of... You guys know this. Additionally, it's best for me for you to let go. You are, in a sense, enablers. You enable me by listening, by allowing this to continue, by answering... Burning bridges is kind of helpful. Realizing my destruction will be perhaps the one thing that helps me. If you don't block, forget, and stop, I will continue to "jerk" you guys around.

To answer a few more questions:

I stopped taking all meds at once out of pure fear. I literally woke up one day, thinking all was okay. I went to work thinking I had a full night's sleep. And then I looked through my text messages to find some INSANE texts. My heart jumped through my chest when I realized what had happened. I called my friends and asked what I did. The answers were absolutely horrible. It was so frightening. I never expected even as drunk as possible to do such stupid shit. So in fear, I quit taking all meds and drinking. The day I was at work shaking, I called a close friend who was a pharmacist and asked him to review the symptoms of deadly withdrawal from alcohol. He immediately and continuously told me to ask my mother to bring me a Xanax ASAP. I refused. He pretty much cussed me out and told me how stupid I was. He told me that I could die at any second if I didn't get treatment. (Benzos are primary treatment for alcohol withdrawal, for those who don't know). He was the brother of my female FF friend. That was the last day I ever talked to him. That was the last day I ever talked to her. They are gone from my life. They cared. I hurt them. Why? I have absolutely NO IDEA. I really don't. To this day, I wonder how they are... I wonder how they are doing. But it's in their best interest to stay away from me.

To clarify something else, pharmacy is NOT my pride. Pharmacy is my worst nightmare. Pharmacy is my misery. I hate it. I hate everything about the field. It's corporate corruption at its finest. I have no power as a practicing provider. I am a tool. I am a drug assembly line. I don't even call myself a pharmacist. I refer to my career as an "Accuracy Specialist" because all I really do is make sure the hardcopy prescriptions match the bottles that get sold. If an interaction POPS in our computer, I am subtlety encouraged to look past it. If I feel that something suspicious is happening (non-legit RX, drug seeker, etc.) I am scolded for doing the very job that I was taught to do in school. I cannot deny scripts. I cannot deny anybody anything... I worry more about customer complaints than I do getting thrown in jail because of breaking the law. My job is absolute SHIT.

Another thing, money. Maaaaan, please. When I had friends, one of them looked at me and told me that I act as though I don't even care about money. I never spend it. While I once dreamed of a nice house and a BMW, I now care very little about those luxuries. I don't want a big house because I don't want to take care of it. I don't want a BMW, Lexus, or any other nice care because I don't want to pay outrageous prices for something that will do little more than what I already drive. So basically, I drive a Ford Focus, I live with my parents, and I have very little. I spend money on video games, my computer, a TV, and well.... that's it. I don't have any desire to buy anything else. So money? Money isn't all its cracked up to be.

Welp, I have a full workday tomorrow. I guess in the end, let the pain continue. Hopefully, it will be my savior.

 

[NightL]

One positive step - LIST IT!!!

I hurt her and I'll hurt you. I have no idea what I'm capable of...

You are not hurting any of us - and actually we kind of know what you are up to.

So apart from never going cold turkey with your Xanax again and blaming the effects on alcohol (you goose) - what is one positive step you will take - just name one thing that has been advised by professionals or indeed us that you will try - and put a time frame on it.

One positive step - LIST IT!!!

 

[Christopher2012]

You are not hurting any of us - and actually we kind of know what you are up to.

So apart from never going cold turkey with your Xanax again and blaming the effects on alcohol (you goose) - what is one positive step you will take - just name one thing that has been advised by professionals or indeed us that you will try - and put a time frame on it.

One positive step - LIST IT!!!

Maintain Xanax and wean off the alcohol - today.

I'll give up the alcohol but I absolutely 100% refuse to give up the gaming. Gamer for life. I love it more than anything. If I die from gaming addiction, then so be it. So I'll come off the booze. That's my only compromise.

 

[NightL]

Great start.

May I suggest that you replace every second glass with pure water. That habit can also be in the holding of a glass.

Be realistic - put a time frame to it and how much you will reduce your consumption.

Since you have change jingling around in your pocket - go to a gym - you know - that exercise thing you have been told over and over again.

 

[Christopher2012]

Great start.

May I suggest that you replace every second glass with pure water. That habit can also be in the holding of a glass.

Be realistic - put a time frame to it and how much you will reduce your consumption.

Since you have change jingling around in your pocket - go to a gym - you know - that exercise thing you have been told over and over again.

Oh I drink plenty of water. I go overkill with water. Prevents terrible hangovers.

As far as timeframe, I'll go three shots daily x 1 week, then two shots daily x 2 weeks, then one shot daily x one month.

Gym? How do I reject this suggestion in a civil manner? Ah I know, I'm a lazy fatass and hate going to the gym. and I'd have to give up gaming for a few hours per day.

 

[NightL]

Oh I drink plenty of water. I go overkill with water. Prevents terrible hangovers.

Every second glass water is different than a bucket of water at the end of the night. Alternating will help keep the number of shots down.

As far as timeframe, I'll go three shots daily x 1 week, then two shots daily x 2 weeks, then one shot daily x one month.

Keep a diary - could be just dropping in here and being truthful

Gym? How do I reject this suggestion in a civil manner? Ah I know, I'm a lazy fatass and hate going to the gym. and I'd have to give up gaming for a few hours per day.

Shakes head - one hour - Chances are there will be a gym within 10 minutes of your employment or indeed home. 30 minute session. However, just go for regular walks or can you replace some of your daily commuting with walking.

Above all else, start smiling and saying hello to people. Offer something of yourself rather than being preoccupied with what you are not getting. The getting will start when the people around you see that you are making an effort.

Report back here regularly. We are very good at picking up on bull-shitting and will slam you for it - GOT IT!!!

 

[Christopher2012]

Every second glass water is different than a bucket of water at the end of the night. Alternating will help keep the number of shots down.


Keep a diary - could be just dropping in here and being truthful


Shakes head - one hour - Chances are there will be a gym within 10 minutes of your employment or indeed home. 30 minute session. However, just go for regular walks or can you replace some of your daily commuting with walking.

Above all else, start smiling and saying hello to people. Offer something of yourself rather than being preoccupied with what you are not getting. The getting will start when the people around you see that you are making an effort.

Report back here regularly. We are very good at picking up on bull-shitting and will slam you for it - GOT IT!!!

Ah man, now you're bringing work into this equation. I thought this was going somewhere. Now you flip on me and tell me that I have to do something productive. And smile at people? I don't see anybody!

....I think I like being lazy better.

On a serious note, let's just focus on one thing at a time. I'll stop drinking. I'm not about to go to the gym, meeting people, etc. Too much, too quick.

 

[NightL]

Instructions for a bad day
http://youtu.be/V7OGY1Jxp3o

 

[Christopher2012]

Instructions for a bad day
http://youtu.be/V7OGY1Jxp3o

It's coincidental that you posted that because I was at work on Monday, and it's the first Monday of the year. During the beginning of the month, pharmacies are INCREDIBLY busy. It can be pretty overwhelming. But the beginning of the year is when all the insurances change and there are constant rejected claims. And trust me, adjudication issues can make you feel like you're filling WAY more prescriptions than you actually are. My script count was probably around 300 but it felt like 600.

Anyway, the coincidental part. I was standing at work at 6pm, our queues were filling up, Walgreens had stopped accepting scripts for the night, I saw the constant flow of people and there was no end in sight. And then, I had a moment like that video where peace just came over me because I knew that eventually, I wouldn't have to endure that.

Annnnnnnnd.... The pharmacy closed at 10pm, I left at 11:15pm... :/

Or maybe that was Tuesday night... Yeah, it was Tuesday. I don't feel like going back and editing that.

Okay but yeah, the alcohol hasn't stopped. I'm not weaning myself yet. That shit is hard to quit. Oh well.... Thanks for the video. I've watched it several times.

 

[NightL]

Step by step - next time put a jug of water down near your computer - easier to fill up that glass.

To be honest I don't really like straight water - but squeeze some lemon into it and I will happily drink it between drinks.

If I have people over to socialise - I will always put out a jug of lemon water along with the wine or whatever... easy to get caught up in habit - as I mentioned the habit of drinking alcohol is sometimes just a habit of holding a glass. So put something else into the glass.

Glad you checked in.

 

[njlauren]

The key thing is one thing at a time. There is a website on nutrition I like a lot, called precision nutrition, and they stress that with any kind of lifestyle change, you have to do it a little at a time. Focusing on the drinking is good, so maybe instead of having a drink every day, try every other day. Doing it in steps stops you from being overwhelmed.

As far as the gaming goes, you don't want to give it up, but maybe, just maybe, find something you can do for an hour or two that doesn't involve gaming. maybe watching a movie, or *gasp* reading a book, do something else..go for a walk, ride a bike, do something that isn't gaming, then do your gaming.

One of the issues you also may be having is sleep deprivation, if you are gaming until 2am and then are getting up to go to work, that isn't helping you either. If you do anything, set a time to go to bed, have an alarm, whatever, so you aren't getting lost in the games.

The reason people are on this thread is because they care, and nothing you can say will hurt us....heck, you can't hurt us, and in my case, I guarantee you you can't hurt me, I have been hurt so much in real life that you couldn't if you tried.......which is good, cause I don't plan on going anywhere.

The other thing is, maybe you should think of using your degree so it isn't corporate greed and such. You are making good money and not spending it, why not save your money, and work towards opening your own pharmacy, where you can set the rules and do things your own way......***** has a lot of alternatives, and if the way it works right now doesn't work, find another path.

One of the other things to keep in mind is that your destiny is not your families, my spouse comes from a family with seriously fucked up stuff, her mother was seriously mentally ill and also was a vile person, her father was a psychopath IMO, and one of the few people on this earth that if he had come back to this country and I knew what had happened between him and my wife, I would have literally killed him with my bare hands......and yet while she has scars and quirks from her past, she also has been one hell off a mother, she is nothing like her past, and she is also one of the nicest, sweetest people ever raised by human filth......so your family is not your destiny, your destiny is in your own hands. If you don't take steps, it is because you don't want to, are afraid to, but you can do it, as hard as it is, I promise you the other side is a heck of a lot better

 

[Christopher2012]

Njlauren, I'm not going to quote your post but this a direct reply to it.

So, let's recap my time on Lit. I went from being a teenager with problems such as how-to get a girl, how to become a more outgoing person, how to date, etc. And now, years later... I'm 25 and I'm an alcoholic with only one goal - to stop drinking. Eh, life is funny like that. I surely thought I would be married with kids by now. I thought life would be different. I thought luck would save me.

Here's my theory. I was trained by our education system. In all of the schools that I had ever been to, you actually manipulate classes. You could fail all the way until the end. And then at the very last second, you could give one solid burst of studying, focusing, and drive, and pull the class out with a C. Also, instead of studying daily, you could pull all-nighters every time. Anyway, my theory is that I have been trained to think that I can just pull a last-minute fight and win. And I also have the false belief that either God or fate is helping me for each test or class. Now, I'm beginning to see that my greatest strength in school (to let shit nearly hit the fan) is my greatest weakness in adulthood. I truly do believe that some good luck will come in.... And it's almost like I'm waiting for it. Or in religious terms, I also waiting on God to save me from this.

My goal is to stop drinking. That's a pretty shitty life goal and one that I always thought I was too good for. I always saw my future self as a hard worker and dedicated husband and father. Now, I just care about playing World of Warcraft and escaping the reality of my job. That's pretty fucking lame. I did not turn out to be the man I thought I'd be. Hell, I'm no man at all, a grown child who mentally cannot stand on his own two feet. It's pathetic.

My sleep schedule is soooo weird, weirder than any I've seen before. I work 2 days on and 2 days off, 14-hour shifts. When I get off on my 2nd night of work, I go home and play WoW until 3am but I usually am so drunk that I fall asleep. So my first day off usually starts with a hangover. Then I lay in bed until late afternoon and somehow get to my computer to start gaming again. And I play all night, only drinking at the very end. And it's binge drinking. I drink one large glass of vodka and I'm done. I don't gradually drink. So anyway, day 2 starts off in the afternoon. Now this is where it gets weird.

On day 2, I drink heavily early in the day to prevent a hangover while I'm at work. So what ends up happening is that I drink and pass out at 5pm, wake up at 10pm-2am, then can't sleep until 4-6am. That's usually when you'll see me post a lot. Like right now.

This is going to be one hellava battle. I've tried AA. I volunteered to go without legal intervention, believe it or not. It's too religious focused. And there's a part of the class where it's open discussion, but they expect only positive testimony that is helpful and uplifting. But me being naive and new, I asked a question. They immediately shot me down and said that I needed to reread the rules of AA. So I was like "Okay guess this isn't like normal school..." But that one situation isn't why I quit. But AA seems to be more for addicts who have already quit not those who are trying but can't. Eh I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's just an excuse.

My life... is a destroyed canvas.

 

[NightL]

My life... is a destroyed canvas.

Self pitying again - not good...

The school student you used to be would see 25 as a statement of being well an truly into adulthood. The 40 you will be in the future will look back upon 25 as still being a time of reckless youth.

You have claimed money is not a priority for you - so change jobs, even if it a salary cut. Find a job you can be happy in. Find a job that is five days a week - not the regular two days off. Change careers - retrain.

Buy an apartment - take on some responsibilities in life - move out of home - give your parents a break - do your own cooking and laundry. Use you money for a big holiday (away from your parents house) - go overseas - back pack around South America. Go to Europe - travel - work abroad. DO SOMETHING EXCITING beyond your bedroom and computer!!!

 

[Christopher2012]

Self pitying again - not good...

The school student you used to be would see 25 as a statement of being well an truly into adulthood. The 40 you will be in the future will look back upon 25 as still being a time of reckless youth.

You have claimed money is not a priority for you - so change jobs, even if it a salary cut. Find a job you can be happy in. Find a job that is five days a week - not the regular two days off. Change careers - retrain.

Buy an apartment - take on some responsibilities in life - move out of home - give your parents a break - do your own cooking and laundry. Use you money for a big holiday (away from your parents house) - go overseas - back pack around South America. Go to Europe - travel - work abroad. DO SOMETHING EXCITING beyond your bedroom and computer!!!

When is it self-pitying vs. Truth? I've always been confused by that. And why are you labeling it "self-pity"? Maybe self-defeating or self-demeaning, but pity? Maybe it's the way I come off... I dunno.

Anyway, I actually do live at home for a reason. My money goes into my parents' pocket instead of an apartment complex's. And besides, I'm still $175,000 in debt. And though I don't care about money, I do care about paying that off. And with my salary, it will take about 6-8 years to pay off depending on how much I spend on myself.

I don't like to travel... But I am somewhat interested in learning Japanese though that's only because I had friends who hyped it so much. They always talked about. So maybe I'll check that out. I also hear that Australia has the hottest women in the world. (Haha Here's looking at you, Rainshine). Actually, at one point when I was a teenager (before I ever knew of Rainshine), me and my best friend swore that we were going to move to Australia. And then I had my obsession with Alaska. I wanted to move there, buy an Alaskan Husky, and watch the night sky light up. And then I had a tornado chasing phase. Lol okay I'm getting a little absurd but anyway... Those were my potential options for travel. I just don't really want to do it. I dunno. We'll see.

 

[SweetErika]

This is going to be one hellava battle. I've tried AA. I volunteered to go without legal intervention, believe it or not. It's too religious focused. And there's a part of the class where it's open discussion, but they expect only positive testimony that is helpful and uplifting. But me being naive and new, I asked a question. They immediately shot me down and said that I needed to reread the rules of AA. So I was like "Okay guess this isn't like normal school..." But that one situation isn't why I quit. But AA seems to be more for addicts who have already quit not those who are trying but can't. Eh I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's just an excuse.

My life... is a destroyed canvas.

I put you on mental iggy after that truly awful PM you sent me last year, but I will respond to this one thing.

Just because you didn't like one AA group/meeting doesn't mean all groups or meetings are the same. Each group has its own dynamic and way of doing things. Some groups are more focused on the religious/spiritual aspect of the program, whereas others are better for folks who are agnostic and atheists. Some meetings are more focused on sharing success stories, whereas others welcome people to talk about whatever it is that relates to their addiction. If you don't like one group, I'd encourage you to give others a try. You may have to check out a lot of different meetings to find one that's a better fit.

Then again, maybe AA isn't a great fit for you in general, at least at this point in your life. It works for the vast majority of people who are invested in their sobriety and working the steps, but it's not the right fit for every single addict. Before you determine that, you owe it to yourself to try your damnedest to find a group that's the best fit for you, but if you do that and then decide it's not your best treatment option at this time, you should explore other options. If getting clean and sober on your own isn't working for you, look at really good treatment centers. Like you said, you make a good living, and I presume you have health insurance that will cover treatment. Honestly, I think a month or more of intensive treatment would be great for you because it would force you to stay away from the things that are causing you problems, work on the root causes and establish healthier routines. If you have a problem with substance abuse and you can't trust yourself to do the things you must (e.g. abstaining, therapy, healthy lifestyle choices) do independently to get well, your best bet is to force yourself to get help.

Do your parents know the full extent of your addictions? And why have they allowed you to remain in their home at 25 when you have the means to support yourself and are engaging in destructive behaviors?