El Sol Hereby Bans ...

[BlackShanglan]

Sorry for stealing it El Sol, but while I enjoyed the Dadaist freestyling that occurred on the original thread, I did also like your idea of a banned phrases thread (similar to but distinct from the "backclicks" thread) and wanted to add some and see what others might add. So, the original post, by El Sol:

I hereby ban ...

An ass you could bounce a quarter off of

All in favor?

ps. Uh... I don't ban asses you can bounce a quarter off of... but the description 'an ass you could bounce a quarter off of' in a story.

Sincerely,
ElSol

Agreed. That's a perfect example of George Orwell's point about people writing down images without ever bothering to visualize them and see if they make sense. Not only is the phrase over-used, but it suggests that someone oggling an attractive posterior then immediately leaps to thinking bouncing quarters off of the buttocks in question. That leads to a mental image that is hardly conducive to an erotic story - unless you're Sub Joe, in which case you might turn it into a comic masterpiece in which the evening is actually spent bouncing quarters off said ass.

I would add:

• Anything - legs, tits, ass - that "won't quit." Quit doing what, exactly?
• Eyes described in terms of gemstones - sapphires, emeralds, amethysts. It's screaming cliche and inevitably makes me think I'm reading a 15-year-old's fantasy about an Elf queen.
• "Cock-sucking lips." There was a time when this was fresh, hot, and delightfully dirty. That was about 1953. Now it's too overused to have power. Alas, the best writing in the world is killed through simple repetition.

What have the rest of you got?

Shanglan

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

Can we also ban "shopping list" descriptions? Things like "she was 5'7" 105 lbs, 36D-22-32, blue eyed blonde witha athletic physique". To me they are like reading a police APB. Cold clinical facts but say nothing of why that person is attractive.

Personally leave teh details out and let me insert my dream characters in for the actors, unless a physical description is absolutely necessary for the story to make sense.

 

[Guest]

DECLARATION:

"I, Tatelou, who is of sound mind, do hereby declare that I will not say another word in this thread."

 

[impressive]

I'll add ...

"She had legs up to her neck."

"cumming buckets" (hell, just "cumming")

"... the best/biggest/nicest name-your-body-part I had ever seen ..."



(And I don't believe Lou!)

 

[BlackShanglan]

Can we also ban "shopping list" descriptions? Things like "she was 5'7" 105 lbs, 36D-22-32, blue eyed blonde witha athletic physique". To me they are like reading a police APB. Cold clinical facts but say nothing of why that person is attractive.

Personally leave teh details out and let me insert my dream characters in for the actors, unless a physical description is absolutely necessary for the story to make sense.

Amen. And thank you, now in the future I can at least salve my annoyance with the amusement of imagining the descriptions on the police blotter.

Shanglan

 

[BlackShanglan]

I'll add ...

"She had legs up to her neck."

Yes. There's another badly-thought-out visual image. And I'll throw in "legs all the way to the floor," which has always just been stupid.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

Yes. There's another badly-thought-out visual image. And I'll throw in "legs all the way to the floor," which has always just been stupid.

sorry but I do am a graphic thinker, in that whatever I read or hear I "see" in my head and the idea of "legs all the way to the floor" just conjures up a gorgeous torso and upper body on tiny stubby 8 inch legs, making her the sexiest looking penguin around.

 

[BlackShanglan]

sorry but I do am a graphic thinker, in that whatever I read or hear I "see" in my head and the idea of "legs all the way to the floor" just conjures up a gorgeous torso and upper body on tiny stubby 8 inch legs, making her the sexiest looking penguin around.

Very well. We'll give you a special dispensation for use in penguin porn only.

Shanglan

 

[oggbashan]

My contributions

"Trussed up like a chicken"

"Hung like a stallion"

"six-pack"

"rounded mounds"

"perky tits"

females that produce floods (except for 'golden showers' - ugh!)

"drunk as a skunk, lord, judge..."

"golden tresses" or any tresses

Og

 

[minsue]

• Eyes described in terms of gemstones - sapphires, emeralds, amethysts. It's screaming cliche and inevitably makes me think I'm reading a 15-year-old's fantasy about an Elf queen.

Can't

Stop

Laughing

Dammit!

 

[BlackShanglan]

Can't

Stop

Laughing

Dammit!

As long as it's not musical, tinkling, or bell-like. Otherwise, you're off to bat your gemstones at some other horsey. Probably the Elf-queen's unicorn.



Shanglan

 

[minsue]

As long as it's not musical, tinkling, or bell-like. Otherwise, you're off to bat your gemstones at some other horsey. Probably the Elf-queen's unicorn.



Shanglan

No worries, Horsey. I couldn't manage a tinkling, bell-like laugh to save my life.

 

[carsonshepherd]

*squeeze*

 

[carsonshepherd]

Am I the only one who hates the term "making love"...? I mean WTF?

as in: "No Chet, I'm not going to fuck you. I'm going to make love to you."

PUKE

 

[elsol]

On the 'perky tits'...

I'll accept perky tits... as long as their not 'perky D-cup tits'.

Fucking get REAL!!!

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[BlackShanglan]

On the 'perky tits'...

I'll accept perky tits... as long as their not 'perky D-cup tits'.

Fucking get REAL!!!

Sincerely,
ElSol

Damnit. Does that mean the rock-hard 4X14" cock has to go too?

Nothing says "sexy" like a man passed out from blood deprivation to the brain ...

Shanglan

 

[sincerely_helene]

Has swollen pink nubs been spoken for? I wouldn't bannish it completely from the world of erotica, but do feel it should be limited to Gorean roleplay.

 

[Belegon]

It's not a phrase so much as a visual movie cliche, but could we get rid of the reverse Clark Kent girls? You know, they take off their glasses and suddenly we can see that they are some hot young pretty thing. Oh yeah, those fucking hornrims really hid that well....

 

[Dar~]

I hate . . . wait for it . . . .the word quim. Yeah I know I am weird. if I am reading porn, this is the exact thing to pul me out of the story.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

I hate . . . wait for it . . . .the word quim. Yeah I know I am weird. if I am reading porn, this is the exact thing to pul me out of the story.

Don't read mine! I use 'quim' sometimes. Mostly, for me, it's the repetition of a word or phrase that I find disappointing. 'His big black cock' when used ad infinitum takes the impact away from the phrase. Also, indiscriminate use of 'cunt' can lessen the shock value.
In my (very) limited experience, I find that using the right phrase in the right context takes some thinking about. Sometimes (sorry carsonshepherd) 'making love' is appropriate, and then at other times..... hehe.

 

[Alex De Kok]

I hate . . . wait for it . . . .the word quim. Yeah I know I am weird. if I am reading porn, this is the exact thing to pul me out of the story.

I've used it, but it was a period piece set around 1820. My 'Writers' Guide To Everyday Life In The 1800s' said it was used throughout the century, so . . .

Alex

 

[TheEarl]

I hate . . . wait for it . . . .the word quim. Yeah I know I am weird. if I am reading porn, this is the exact thing to pul me out of the story.

I use quim on occasions. It's one of the only words I like using instead of pussy. I'm not keen with using cunt; I don't like the word.

The Earl hereby bans: gay characters who suddenly turn to have frantic heterosexual sex because the main character is so goddamn hot. They're gay ffs!

The Earl

 

[Liar]

I use quim on occasions. It's one of the only words I like using instead of pussy. I'm not keen with using cunt; I don't like the word.

I like to use them all. However, pussy is the only one I write. The others sounds just...odd.

The Earl hereby bans: gay characters who suddenly turn to have frantic heterosexual sex because the main character is so goddamn hot. They're gay ffs!

The Earl

Or the other way around. Either way it's kind of something that requires a little more explanation. Nobody bloody turns gay of straight at the drop of a hat.


Liar hereby bans: (might have been on the menu, I can only read briefly on my breaks) "Just turned 18" characters who behave like they are thirteen. Or less. That's creepy.

 

[Liar]

I like to use them all. However, pussy is the only one I write. The others sounds just...odd.
Or the other way around. Either way it's kind of something that requires a little more explanation. Nobody bloody turns gay of straight at the drop of a hat.


Liar hereby bans: (might have been on the menu, I can only read briefly on my breaks) "Just turned 18" characters who behave like they are thirteen. Or less. That's creepy.

Oh wait. Ban the "just turned" characters alltogether while we're at it.

 

[TheEarl]

Or the other way around. Either way it's kind of something that requires a little more explanation. Nobody bloody turns gay of straight at the drop of a hat.

Ah, but the gay character turning straight shows that every gay man will turn straight if you give them a hot enough woman and vice versa. It makes sense, cause that's what men and women are supposed to fuck. Gay people are only gay because they haven't found hot enough men/women yet. Obviously.

The Earl