Cyber sex...what's your take?

[rgraham666]

Will you talk in code as you do it?

Ik fhyes.

Gkes dhe klwq ed, jfiors!

 

[angelicminx]

But I want to get drunk.

Nobody will sell me any booze though.

Umm... thinking I should offer... but I don't think you'd be interested anyway...

 

[tolyk]

After a bit of talking I found he was happily married, then he hit me up for some "cyber love". I asked how a happily married man could be looking for a cyber lover and he then said that his wife didn't have the sex drive he did. So he would have "online experiences" to satiate his libedo.

Solitary masterabtion can work just as well, not nearly as interesting though.

We then launched into a debate on whether cyber sex was really cheating or not.

To me it is. It's sex without the fluid transfer. Maybe that's a bit prudish from someone who writes smut, but to me my stories are my creations and I'm not talking my way to an orgasm with anyone else.

For me, as an exhibitionist, it is a bit more than that. I'm sure voyeurs and other exhibitionists would understand what I mean. Any and all cyber sex is cheating, unless of course you and your partner have an understanding..

Other than that.. I think cybersex is great *grin* But not even in the same classification as real sex.. Phone & Cyber really is, as someone else termed it, assisted masterbation.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

Ik fhyes.

Gkes dhe klwq ed, jfiors!

Sorry it took me a while to reply, but I needed two hours to recover after that. No post-coital chatting that time.

 

[rgraham666]

Sorry it took me a while to reply, but I needed two hours to recover after that. No post-coital chatting that time.

You weren't the only one. You're one hell of a handful.

Just as well, my post-coital chat is usually in tongues. I want you happy, not catatonic.

 

[Pure]

mab said (agreed by Lady J., yui, and others),

//"Cheating" isn't a specific act. It's a betrayal of trust.

If you or your SO believe that cybersex is cheating, then it is. If you or your SO believe that thinking about sex with someone else is cheating, then it is. It's the betrayal of what you've committed to that consitutes cheating, not legalisms about bodily fluids or hot electrons or intent.//

what must be added, as evidenced in this thread, is that many or most [spousal] 'commitments' are not feasible, that is, likely to be carried out (on one or both sides).

therefore there will be 'cheating,' as night follows day. it is the 'supplement' either in the sex or love department.

face it: if you are a woman, and the relationship is more than a couple years old, it's likely your partner would 'take up' the opportunity for 'supplementary' sex.

if you are a man who's undemonstrative, unexpressive (leaving aside the extremes of coldness and indifference) or even 'taking for granted', then is not unlikely your partner would take the opportunity for supplemetary 'love', that is esteem, appreciation, 'you're beautiful.'

the pledges and ceremonies of yesteryear fail to bind.

as angela, for one, pointed out, the ethics underlying the question may well be questioned: we are trying to define {postulate; set up for discussion} something inviolable; then we are asking, 'is it ok to violate it?'

 

[Erlikkhan]

This is all boo-shit. Cyber is merely a medium for masturbation, not sex with someone else. I never tell when I jerk off or what I jerk off to cause I am quite sure my woman doesn't want to know. So it it okay to jerk-off sitting in the bathroom fantasizing about having anal sex? How about watching a porno flick? How is that different from reading words someone typed on a computer or muttered over a phone? Or do we have to stop jerking off altogether unless we are willing to share it with our partner?

Even in a good relationship we sometimes need our privacy!

 

[Star of Penumbra]

I had a co-worker and close friend point out that if you do something (kiss, fondle, cyber...whatever) that you can't tell your S/O about then it's cheating.

That made sense to me.

That sounds like an excellent yardstick to me.

 

[Lilin Penn]

as angela, for one, pointed out, the ethics underlying the question may well be questioned: we are trying to define {postulate; set up for discussion} something inviolable; then we are asking, 'is it ok to violate it?'

In all honesty I was just wondering what people thought about it. It was on my mind due to my conversation with someone the night before.

The intent behind it was NOT to sling pooh back and forth, just to get an idea of what other people thought.

 

[Pure]

I'm not questioning your intent, Lilin, merely pointing out that, regardless of it, the question has presuppositions, a bit like asking, 'do you think the penalty for performing an abortion should be like that of an assault or that of a murder?'

All these 'guilt' tests have similar bases:

Lilin I had a co-worker and close friend point out that if you do something (kiss, fondle, cyber...whatever) that you can't tell your S/O about then it's cheating.

That made sense to me.

I, and I'm sure a number of others keep all kinds of thoughts from my spouse, e.g, about every shapely 16 yr old. Similarly I can think of actions I don't want to talk about. Again, in many relationships, it's not 'let it all hang out.' That is some kind of Romeo and Juliet idea. Maybe it's suitable for 14 year old, but for older persons, details of old sexual encounters may well be held back. Details of a 'pass' someone made at you.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Ummmm...I used to be into cyber, but the more it went on, the older it got. Yeah, as long as you aren't hiding it from other parties involved, you do what you wanna do.

 

[NoJo]

Ummmm...I used to be into cyber, but the more it went on, the older it got. Yeah, as long as you aren't hiding it from other parties involved, you do what you wanna do.

I think there should be a book about how to do it well. I just feel stupid doing it. Any tips?

 

[Pure]

don't stop
go to sleep right after
use a splash guard for the keyboard

 

[Pure]

Hey, this is a fine thread, and Lilin I hope you are not put off by the banter and argument. Lots of opinions have been aired and if some kind Muse will just give Joe Sub a few of the 'basics', that would be great!

Is anyone ever unsure of the sex of the person they 'pick up' and cyber with?

 

[dreampilot79]

Been watching this post.. but I'm too sweet and inocent to know anything about it!

damn I wish my nose would quit growing!!!

 

[Lilin Penn]

Hey, this is a fine thread, and Lilin I hope you are not put off by the banter and argument. Lots of opinions have been aired and if some kind Muse will just give Joe Sub a few of the 'basics', that would be great!

Is anyone ever unsure of the sex of the person they 'pick up' and cyber with?

Thanks Pure!

I wouldn't say that I am put off, maybe was a bit confused about somethings but I believe I understand that now.

I love to hear other people's opinion's on almost any topic! And I'm glad I'm open minded enough to appreciate them all whether I agree with them or not. I understood everyone's point of view of this topic.

 

[English Lady]

Hey, this is a fine thread, and Lilin I hope you are not put off by the banter and argument. Lots of opinions have been aired and if some kind Muse will just give Joe Sub a few of the 'basics', that would be great!

Is anyone ever unsure of the sex of the person they 'pick up' and cyber with?

Well I never cybered with him, but the guy i have my first ccyber relationship could have been a girl. to this day i'll never know but i'll always have the doubt in my mind.

And on the other hand I once cybered a lady whilst my husband had to go out for a while...apparently I was the best sex she ever had

 

[dreampilot79]

Well I never cybered with him, but the guy i have my first ccyber relationship could have been a girl. to this day i'll never know but i'll always have the doubt in my mind.

And on the other hand I once cybered a lady whilst my husband had to go out for a while...apparently I was the best sex she ever had

EL... if ya ever need a second opinion.. ya know where to find me....

hmmm... new name? cyber virgin?

 

[FurryFury]

Is cyber cheating? It can be imho.

A few months ago I didn't know cyber existed. I am very happily married and have been for um, let's see, 13 years. Wow! Doesn't seem that long.

Anyway I was online to do role playing games, because my regular group of players have just gotten too busy in RL and we are not playing enough to suit me.

One night while doing a real time chat scene I got physically excited. There was no sex in the scene that night, just my character, restraining and dominating a man in her law enforcement profession. She cuffed him, kicked his legs apart, them patted him down. I got very hot. It surprised the hell out of me.

So I met up with the other player's character again and this time he restrained my character. Again, no sex was involved but again, I got incredibly turned on. At this point it was like a drug, I was all hyped up and loving it while being slightly confused.

The third meeting of characters (who were vampires, btw.) Things got rather sexual. I was not sure how far I wanted to go or if I was cheating. I kept doing little things to slow down or turn the scene until finally I just asked out of character, what he thought we were doing here. Was it feeding, sex, romance, all of the above? And ringing in my mind was the question, "Am I cheating."

I waited till my husband woke up and then talked it out with him. I expected him to say he didn't want me doing that sort of thing and I was willing to stop for him even though I was intensely drawn to it. I thought we might come to an agreement that I could do it only in character if it made sense and was within the context of role play.

He stunned me by being totally cool with it and giving me free reign. Since then I have done a great deal of cybering and I have been very pleased that the result has been very positive in our relationship. We are talking about a lot of things now that we both had not been sure the other one wanted to hear or accept. We are experiment frequently with a bunch of new and wonderful things and ideas. My libido which was already pretty healthy has become even more so. If fact for several months there, I was so constantly fevered, I was a little frightened by it, but I loved it too. I tend to do things obsessively. I had some sexual hang ups from a prior relationship and now those have finally been exorcised. My husband is a very happy man.

I completely understand when people do not tell their SO's though. I think this likely demonstrates that they either don't trust in the acceptance of their SO and/or are not will to abide by their SO's wishes. I can understand that and don't judge it. Frankly it's not my job to keep others clean. Every relationship is up to the two people or more that is in it. It's their job to keep it healthy and communication open, not mine.

When I first started cybering, it was all new and a thrill, all of it was fun. I didn't want to cyber with married men because I naively didn't want to help them cheat or cause a problem in their marriages.

I was always really open with the other person about what I would and wouldn't do. The fact that I was happily married, wasn't looking for a real life relationship and such.

I have found it sad that many people can't just take what is fun and freely offered and simply be happy to enjoy it. Far too many look for that which they can't have and then harp on it.

I have been asked by people to cyber exclusively with them. WTF? Why? I'm married and limited enough. Though the limits are being removed more everyday through mutual consent! Frankly I wish I had found out about all this years ago.

I have found young single men, with no other sexual outlet, to be of particular trouble. Some even claim to be suicidal cause they can't have me in RL. *shakes head.*

So now I prefer men who are a little more mature and can get some sex on at least a semi regular basis, married or not. Though if married I do prefer those that at least say they are doing it with their wife's consent.

Now, however, I am a bit bored with a lot of the cyber out there. It really has to have certain elements to keep me interested. I have a few folks who are perfectly nice I'm sure, but we just don't click. They don't seem to understand that we don't. It's sad. I hope they find someone they click with soon but they don't seem to be able to take no for an answer.

I like the words. I can come from reading the words alone and no physical touch if they are really good and under the right set of circumstances. Great writing with imagination, detail and often, some BMSD elements tend to work well for me. Everyone likes different things. I like a lot of different things.

I have found that a lot of folks who think they know what BMSD embodies just don't hit where I want to go. They tend to just use the scene to let out their brutal tendencies. Some might enjoy that more than I do. Depending on the writing that sort of thing often leaves me cold.

I want there to be a "relationship" between the Sub and the Dom. I want the Dom to give a crap at the end of the day/play. I think the Dom has to know the Sub well enough to give them what they are really seeking deep down, and that is not something done easily. In fact, I see the Dom role as very close to care taking in a way. The way I see it, it's a lot of responsibility. I've played both the Domme and the Sub and I like both, though I do have a clear preference. I just like to play, period, though. I could be way off base about the Dom/Sub dynamic, I'm new to all this.

I haven't really wondered or cared if the other person is a female or not. It's just words. If they can write what do I care? Then again I am also drawn to females a bit so, it's not a problem for me.

I have played a lot of different things from vanilla to even a full out stabbing scene and enjoyed them all. I have played straight, bi and even a male before, at the request of my cyber partners. I like to try different things. I am happy to try just about anything once. If I like it? Well I won't stop.

A few things still left to do on my wish list are, to cyber with multiple people in real time chat, to cyber with a female that I know is female and to cyber with someone I know and will be face to face with in my RL, other than my husband. I'm sure there is more, there is always more right?

I am very happy that my husband happens to be so open minded and secure. All this has only made our relationship better, more experimental and stronger.

Guess I've rambled on long enough and I've probably said far too much.

 

[fifty5]

... Guess I've rambled on long enough and I've probably said far too much.

More power to your elbow, FF. You've got good things going on.

Thanks for the post, especially for the full explanations.

 

[ellie_knows]

I'm not married, so I haven't experienced any of the cheating parts of cyber sex, but it seems like sex is sex, no matter what form it is. Whether you consider it cheating depends on your relationship, I guess.

 

[hmmnmm]

I am waiting for a beloved to come be with me. She is far away. More than anything I hope for reunion, and soon. She knows I am studying the writing of erotica. She knows I spend time on the internet. If I tell her I thought about her and that I masturbated, she sort of ho-hums it. She is not surprised that I masturbate, but she would prefer that she could share the experience. So she would rather not hear about it. The last couple months I have sampled some of the thrills that cyber sex can offer and I can say that it is quite fun. I have not and do not plan to tell my beloved about this. Would she be surprised to discover that I have done this? I think not. She would simply rather not know of it. My heart is dedicated to her. Cyber sex is simple recreation. This is not to demean the minds and hearts of those who I have met, but we do understand where lines are drawn and we have respected those lines. And I hope that through these experiences, I have learned what may or may not succeed in reaching a potential reader of any given written work of erotic intent.
Also, this goes the other way. Under the circumstances it would not surprise me that she has utilized methods to help tide her over. Maybe not. I could almost assume it and easily forgive. I'd just rather not know about it.

 

[sweetnpetite]

"Cheating" is breaking the rules. So it depends on what the rules are in the relationship.

The important thing however, is not to do something that you feel uncomfortable with regardless. If it seems like cheating to you (and you don't want to be involved in cheating) then it doesn't matter if he has signed permisision from his wife, his miistress and his mother. Its not for you.

Beyond that it doesn't matter much what we think of other people's relationship. That's for them to work out.

 

[dreampilot79]

as for me... I think that it depends on the rules of the relationship.. and it depends on what you put into it emotionally.

My relationship is my problem.. not anyone else's...

that said.. how come I never get no cyber?

how bout phone.. call me at 1-800-OLD-FART