Career and Children

[lavender]

 

[BBD]

I'm stalking you on the GB until I find something else to do or I give up and go home for the day, whichever comes first.

I've never really wanted kids, but then I wouldn't have to worry about it in the same way even if I had any.

 

[sunstruck]

I agree 100%. Working to survive is one thing. When parents are working to maintain a career or a lifestyle at the expence of their children I get angry.

 

[lavender]

 

[BBD]

That's ok. I stalked you first.

Nobody told me about this...secretive bastards.

I always wanted to be a house-husband with a very successful businesswoman wife. Those are hard to come by though, and even when you find 'em they seem to think that's just lazy for some reason.

 

[lovetoread]

Well,from my point of view...

Since the exit of Mr LTR,I have no money.

300 a month for 3 kids is not enough to live on.

So I am going to school to get a job so that I can support my children.

Do I feel bad about that?

Nope. It will show them that I can make things better for them.

 

[brokenbrainwave]

here here, there are ways to earn a decent living and yet someone managing to be home with the children at all times. Fine, you probably cant have the new Lexus, and a 10,000 dollar tv, but whats more important, keeping up with the neighbors or your kids knowing whom you are?

and to comment to LTR, there are exceptions to every situation hun.

 

[MissTaken]

We make adjustments for children.

Some choose different priorities than others.

I did the "career woman" thing and worked 70 hour weeks. My son had trouble in school. Both children were very unhappy and at their young ages, acted out their anger by being disrespectful and nasty to dear old mom.

It wasn't easy. AT the time, I felt it was what I had to do.

Then, I quit the "power" position and took a job. A job that pays a quarter of what I made before. My children are much better off for it, happier and successful. Meanwhile, I get stressed and exhausted by the constant money juggle.

It is what is important to you. Hopefully, lavey, you would have two meaningful incomes to rely on and be able to take shorter days etc.

Good luck and don't let those thoughts freak you out.
Kids are resilient, Thank God!
Adults are able to screw up and then fix it.

 

[lavender]

 

[brokenbrainwave]

Actually, that kind of ideal. The only problem is men who are comfortable doing that are few and far between.

umm, I am very comfortable in my role of house hubby

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

When we had our first child and started going to parks I began to notice that certian kids always came with Nannies, either bored teenagers or tired looking old ladies who preferred chatting with the other Nannies to actually engaging the children in any sort of stimulating way. We became so annoyed at that that we rarely even went out because we hated the whole idea of baby-sitters. We raise our children. Even when one or the other is working, we make a point of staying involved, daily.

We do have two baby-sitters we love and trust, and they engage the kids, and we feel fine leaving them alone. It's the boring "bring a book" baby-sitter I couldn't stand.

I video-taped a new baby-sitter once, because I didn't know her all that well, and I'm paranoid about my kids, and I wanted to make sure there was nothing weird going on. There wasn't, but I noticed on the tape that she barely talked to my son. She did her homework while he fell asleep watching TV. She didn't play with him, ask him about his day, look at his toys -- nothing. We never used her again.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

One of the reasons when we had our children I decided to have a business I could work from home so I could do the before and after school thing and have school holidays with them.... It is still hard during holidays working with them around. But during holidays I work only half days and then in the evening when they are in bed to keep up.

When my youngest was only 18 months old I wa offered a good business to buy but it was a 6 days a week thing to run. I went and looked at day care but I just could not do it...

Most of my clients know I run my business from a studio attached to my home and it does not bother them at all. Most of my client contact is email and phone, so they don't know if I have kids here after school etc or not.

Everyone in life has to do what they do.

 

[Ishmael]

For my whole life thoughts of a career were foremost on my brain. I never felt close to children, never really even wanted one. When I met former Mr. Lavender it didn't bother me at all that he didn't want children. In fact, it fit in perfectly with my life goals. I knew I couldn't be a stay at home mom. I knew that wouldn't please me.

This summer, my perspective is not so black and white. I watched female attorneys in large firms as they sacrificed, at what I believe is the expense of their children. Women have babies, take 6-12 weeks off, and then are working insane hours all over again.

I thought and thought and thought about this and realized. If I had children, my career would be put on hold. It would be. I might still work, but minimal hours. I would want to find a way I could be with the child as much as possible.

This realization weirded me the fuck out.

Welcome to the real world Lavy. I've only been harping on this for, what, months?

I don't see it as this nightmarish decision though. Career, or taking care of your own flesh and blood. Either decision is right, if it's what you want to do.

Men have made the same trade-offs in a different way for years. A nine to five dead end job and home with the family each evening, or corporate fast tracker with lots of travel and long hours.

I think that it all hits us at some point that we just aren't going to have it all, no matter what we do. That pace of life ended with the jet age and cheap air fares.

Ishmael

 

[BBD]

Actually, that kind of ideal. The only problem is men who are comfortable doing that are few and far between.

Too late for me now anyway. I went and got motivated.

 

[sunstruck]

I video-taped a new baby-sitter once, because I didn't know her all that well, and I'm paranoid about my kids, and I wanted to make sure there was nothing weird going on. There wasn't, but I noticed on the tape that she barely talked to my son. She did her homework while he fell asleep watching TV. She didn't play with him, ask him about his day, look at his toys -- nothing. We never used her again.

My sister-in-law did this with three sitters. The same result every time. They were always on the phone or the net, they barely paid any attention to the kids. When one read the boys a bedtime story she skipped the entire middle and when they complained she told them if they went to sleep now next time she'd bring them candy.

There was no next time.

You can't be there 24/7, but you can, to an extent, know what's going on when you're not. I see too many parents that don't talk to their kids. They distract them.

 

[deliciea]

hope i may give my oppion here

when my daughter was born she was three weeks old when i went to work i missed all the important years in her life and all the mile stones that can never be replaced after a bitter divorce my son telling me he did not have a mom and all his attitude my soon to be ex dies and now i have desided that there is more important things in life than what i can buy and how nice they are i need to spend some quality time with my kids and get back to the basics of life my new theme song in list of things i have to do today and i figured they aint all that important if i aint living life to the fullest so back to school for me and a 9 to 5 job or nothing else hope it works

 

[morninggirl5]

I thought and thought and thought about this and realized. If I had children, my career would be put on hold. It would be. I might still work, but minimal hours. I would want to find a way I could be with the child as much as possible.

This realization weirded me the fuck out.

A realization that you would care enough about your children to be the type of mother that puts their needs first weirded you out?

Reading this post just confirmed to me the type of person i believed you to be.


I've always known that if i have children, i would stop teaching until they were in school. As much as being a teacher is a part of me, it would be meaningless if my own children missed out on my being their mother.

 

[Reverie]

My thoughts:

Personally, I know that I can't do it all. I can barely manage a job and home; throw in a husband and kids and I'd be in overload and the husband and kids would probably suffer. I've decided that I will either be a woman who works or a stay at home mom. I won't do both. Having a child is a full time job in and of itself. If my future husband and I decide to have a child/children then it is non negotiable that I will NOT work. I personally see no reason to have a child if I'm only going to be with it a few hours at night and on the weekends when their not busy with activities like soccer practice or dance recitals. That's just me though, other people probably feel differently.

I've worked day care, I've been a nanny. I was excellent at both but I can still say that no baby sitter or nanny, no matter how devouted, will ever love your child as much as you do or care for them the way that you would. People like to believe that they've found the perfect nanny or care giver, and they may have found one that IS wonderful but at the end of the day your child is still just their job. Often times, if you can afford to hire a full time baby sitter or nanny that is really good at their jobs, then you can probably afford to stay home if you just downsize your lifestyle a little. I've seen children who have wonderful care givers yet they still sit and cry because they want to be with their parents. I've also seen the reverse where the child would rather be with their paid caregiver than with their own parent because they've grown more use to or attacht the baby sitter. I wouldn't want a child of mine to have to go through either feeling.

Of course, no one can say what will happen in the future. I could marry, decide to have a child and stay home with it and then end up in a nasty divorce and be forced by economics to return to work. I'm just saying that given the slightest opportunity, I would choose to stay home with my child or not have children at all, rather than leave them to be raised mainly by paid caregivers.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[perks]

the career I chose isn't amicable to parenting. So, I gave it up. The man is still in the industry, so I get a taste of it now and then, but the hours are insane. There is no way I'll ever be able to go back to it. The duckling is more important than I am.

I'm quite lucky that I don't have to work. However I do have a part time job that I can do from the house on my own time. I don't need it, but it gives me something that is mine, so I don't go insane in the world of diapers and Spongebobsqarepants.

It's a choice every parent has to make. I based my choice on my childhood. My parents weren't around, they worked their asses off so I could have. Unfortunately I didn't have much of them. In this day and age of children going missing I just wouldn't be comfortable farming my duckling out.

 

[kotori]

My older daughter was nine months old when I went to grad school (to learn a 'trade', as my undergrad degree wasn't getting me hired). My wife went to work fulltime, and the baby went to daycare. She's grown up to be an intelligent, independent, self-reliant, self-motivated person who would charm the sox off the lot of you, and impress the hell out of most (I say with all the parental pride I'm entitled to).

When my younger daughter was born, my wife quit her job and began to work out of the house, so that she could devote the majority of her time to the baby. While she's still very young, I find her to be an intelligent, independent, self-reliant, self-motivated person who would charm the sox off the lot of you, and impress the hell out of most (I say with all the parental pride I'm entitled to).

Two different methods, very similar results. Go figure.

 

[Reverie]

Most of the time, the kids turn out wonderful either way!!

I'm curious though Kotori, which method has given your wife the most satisfaction?

 

[kotori]

Most of the time, the kids turn out wonderful either way!!

I'm curious though Kotori, which method has given your wife the most satisfaction?

I'm sure she'd say the latter; the former was more out of neccessity than choice. She had the more marketable skills, and the goal was to bring me up to parity.

 

[hornylady]

After our first child, I went back to work full-time and it worked for us. She went to a childminder who has since become a friend of the family, and she was treated like another daughter - the childminder just looked after her youngest and my daughter at the time, so it was great.

After our second daughter was born, I decided that work just wasn't as important anymore, compared to being with the kids, so we juggled things, sold the car, and I stayed home and loved it. I went back to school part-time and did my professional translator qualifications, and now I freelance from home. We now have a third (and last!), and it's worked perfectly - I'm always around during the day and for school runs, I fit the assignments round the kids, my husband helps out in the evenings if I need to work, and we're all happy.

At the end of the day, you have to make the choices that are right for you and your family.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I worked full-time when I had my first. She went to daycare starting at 6 weeks old. I hated it, but it was a question of economics. We could have a house to live in, or I could stay at home in the cardboard box and care for her. So, I worked 60 hour weeks, took care of the house, did all the housewifely things (dinner, laundry, dry cleaner, shopping, etc) and I was exhausted all the time.

Thankfully, when I had my second, things had changed and I could stay home. My oldest started kindergarten yesterday, so she's gone all day. My youngest will start pre-school next week, and will be gone most of the day. I've loved staying home, most of the time, but I'm really looking forward to having some time to myself for the first time in almost 3 years.

I'm enrolling in school in January, thanks to someone who said "College is fun, you should try it some time." This will be my 4th 'try'. Hopefully I can find a way to pass algebra, or convince the powers that be that it's just not that important to know why a+b=x.

I don't think that daycare is 'farming out'. Obviously, it varies, but my kids loved attending daycare part time and spending the rest of the day with me. We live in the middle of nowhere, so if they weren't attending daycare/preschool, they wouldn't be around other kids at all. The social stuff is important to me.

It was actually interesting yesterday when the parents were at the school walking the kids to classes. The children who had attended pre-school were so ready for kindergarten, they almost didn't need their parents there. The kids who had never been away from mommy were kicking and screaming and bawling their eyes out at the thought that they were going to have to stay at school all day long.

There is no 'right' decision for everyone.