BDSM: Questions and Answers

[WriterDom]

Got this in a newsgroup email this morning. Never thought about bell play before, but it sounds fun.


The Bell

(Amsterdam News Desk) - One of the most powerful humiliating
signals, a dominant man can use is a simple bell and they
come in many different forms: attached to a collar, to
(nipple) clamps or to a gag. If there is anything, that is
frustrating, it is this very simple audio-signal.

The sound of the bell will - usually even more intens than
the worst pain or deepest humiliation - remind her of her
slave status with every move she makes. Most slaves will do
their utmost to try and NOT ring the bell, regardless if
they have been told to do so or not. The frustration of the
ringing sound often is just about the maximum, any slave can
bear.

Ordering her not to make a sound will only make things
worse for her since - no matter where the bell is positioned
- that is something hardly any slave will be able to do to
perfection. So, no matter how hard she tries there will
almost always be the occasional tingle. And punishment is
hardly ever needed - the audio signal of her inabaility to
comply is usually more than enough.

Source: POWERotics Private Dungeon

 

[P. B. Walker]

Love your avatar RisiaSkye.

- PBW

 

[bi_now2001]

hmmmm....????

I've always wanted to participate in BDSM, but have never had the opportunity. I have this fantasy (I prefer women, but....) where my girlfriend(whoever she might be at the time) ties me up and forces me to watch her have sex with another man.....then when she's done asks me If I felt left out and I say yes(as if I wanted her), then she brings another man in and guides me through giving him head and then having him screw me..........

Anyone ever done this or can suggest how to act this out???

 

[chatbug]

Getting Started

I've always wanted to participate in BDSM, but have never had the opportunity. I have this fantasy (I prefer women, but....) where my girlfriend(whoever she might be at the time) ties me up and forces me to watch her have sex with another man.....then when she's done asks me If I felt left out and I say yes(as if I wanted her), then she brings another man in and guides me through giving him head and then having him screw me..........

Anyone ever done this or can suggest how to act this out???

This advice depends on how you feel about doing any of these things you fantasize about. Reality is usually not as erotic or sexy as fantasy, but sometimes it can be better.

You could start by having your girlfriend tie you up and tease you sexually. See how this feels to you. Some time later, you could have her tie you up and watch while she masturbates. The idea here is to start simple and add one thing at a time, to see if you enjoy the reality as much as the fantasy.

Your girlfriend would want to do things or include things that would arouse her as well as you. You'd need to be open to this, and that the reality might not exactly match your fantasy.

Your fantasy requires the cooperation of three other individuals, with their own desires and needs. It's possible, but it would take some work, trust, and communication for the four of you to work it out.

Good luck, and let us know how it all works out.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Love your avatar RisiaSkye.

- PBW

Thanks. I can't seem to settle on one for long. I get tired of looking at them!

But, every time I take down the naked smoking one, Cheffie complains.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Thanks. I can't seem to settle on one for long. I get tired of looking at them!

But, every time I take down the naked smoking one, Cheffie complains.

Mmm... well my vote is for this one. For some reason it makes me feel submissive and wanting to have a domineering woman take charge of me... which is weird since I'm usually the dominate one...

anyhoo... still loving that avatar...

- PBW

 

[Hecate]

Mhhh – damn damn – looks like I have quite a few pages to catch up again …

Oh well – time for some unstructured rambling … you have been warned!

Gags:
I personally find them intriguing but am not really feeling “save” with them… so I prefer “gag-like” things like scarf and leather strings or such to create the “effect” of a gag but without seriously inhibiting the ability to breath or in emergency situations be able to make my pet heard in some way. A good and “kinky” alternative for those who are into it are pony-play harnesses, you know .. the strap - thingies with a (often) rubber bar or leather strap or at times even a metal chain as a “mouth-piece”.

As far as allergic reactions go I can’t help – sorry.


The Bell:
Another excellent idea dug out by WD. I really loved the one with the coins and this one too is delicious *s*. I actually have been toying with bells earlier (mentally only) and that article sure made those thoughts have a wild revival



“forced” fantasy by bi-now 2001
Mhhh – thrilling indeed, but…

Yeah, didn’t you just know there was a “but” coming?
Well – all I want to comment on here is that such a fantasy (as thrilling and fulfilling it might work out) has a tremendously high “backfire” potential.

For one it is ONLY advisable with either a woman you are having a very settled and firm, established and shock proof relation or you might think about it with a “professional” Domme. I am saying that because it does create the strangest sentiments to find “your” woman being screwed and enjoying it by another guy! Fantasy good!! – Reality questionable!!

Second aspect … have you ever thought about the fact that you might not like the bi-experience at all – at least not in THAT intensity for a first time? (OK, you never said that but I just assumed it was some of the “kick” to be “forced” to that bi experience) If you intend to go through with it make sure you can put a stop to it – make sure it is going to be respected! Otherwise those scenes can end quite traumatic.

All that said *g* I could suggest you start either with a personal on-line (again – careful ! guess what *g* there are a bunch of sex-crazy weirdoes out there… oh wait, you know that already hanging out here ) or maybe check out some clubs around your area that offer D/s lifestylers a forum.



On-line sub punishment
Taking from the post of ShyGuy I assume this is a bout a “hidded” D/s relation so too obvious things may not really be in order. Plus .. the fact of having things happening on-line does make any “real” punishment harder.

I am actually pretty much at a loss for suggestions you seem to not have tried yet – but I guess that maybe a switch from “punishment” to “positive reinforcement” may be in order. What I mean is
Instead of “ If you don’t do as I say you can’t do this or have to do that” try “if you do as I say you can have something you want”

OK – did any of that make sense?


Vanilla Sex
Sex is good – full stop. Vanilla sex has it’s place and time for me, so does hardcore BDSM.


And to all the “new” contributors to the thread … WELCOME

 

[SunnyGirl]

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you: Cym, Blackbich, Merelan, Hecate, WriterDom, RisiaSky, et al, (I know I missed some pepole, but I've been reading this for hours) for creating and posting so candidly to this thread.

BDSM was always something that I never understood, perhaps because of it's shadowy underworld connotations. I no longer have those stereotypical ideas and would like to thank all of you for being so open and honest.

I never had much interest in BDSM, still don't, but was curious when I discovered that several of my online friends and acquaintances were subs. It bewildered me and I asked questions and recieved answers, but I was still left feeling like I was missing something. Now that I've spent hours reading your posts I feel much better. Your candor and honesty have opened my mind, and I can see how all of you keep stressing that it's a relationship first and a BDSM relationship after that.

Keep up the good work and helping people like myself to understand what you do and why you do it.
-Sunny

 

[Natalie Nessus]

Oh, Nessus. Certainly you wouldn't buy into a facile stereotype?
So, I must be failing to understand you properly. Expliquez, s'il vous plait?

No, it is my fault. I wrote a big long reply with many things, my mind going and then i changed my mind, edited it all out except for that. On its own it is stupid

 

[Rick DeVille]

I thought this was a pretty good thread

 

[Merelan]

Pretty good thread? I think it's a damn fine thread.

Welcome Rick. What's your poison? (Isn't that what they say?)
The bell, now there's something intriguing, though knowing me I would flunk from laughing.

An idea for your online sub Shyguy? Hmmm... make her write you something. a story, a letter, a poem, describing in minute detail what she did that was wrong and why it was wrong. Wrong because it hurt you? or because she had Promised to obey you and had not. Was she not thoughtless to your caring? You get the idea, I hope.

 

[Rick DeVille]

Pretty good thread? I think it's a damn fine thread.

Welcome Rick. What's your poison? (

A little of this and then a little of that

 

[Hecate]

You sure about that, babe?

The bell, now there's something intriguing, though knowing me I would flunk from laughing.

We shall see sweetie how funny you think this is once I tie one of those HUGE Bavarian cow bells around your waist ....

Oh my gosh *lol* now it is me curling into a laughing ball *chuckling and trying hard to shift back to another mental image related to bells*

 

[RisiaSkye]

No, it is my fault. I wrote a big long reply with many things, my mind going and then i changed my mind, edited it all out except for that. On its own it is stupid

I knew it had to be more complicated than it seemed.

I still hope that sometime you'll explain why you feel and/or think that women are more able to get into the proper "headspace." I really would, and I imagine that I'm not alone, like to understand what you mean. Pretty please? I'll read you Anais or Collette in French...

Hecate, glad to see you back.

Welcome, new arrivals.

SunnyGirl: I appreciate your candor. Many people have misgivings, or have been fed stereotypes. While nobody expects you to jump on the "bandwagon," it's very refreshing (and more than a small relief) to read that some people are willing to hear why people travel a different path. I applaud you for your open mind. If you have questions, please join us and ask them. You will find few forums as frank and welcoming as this one. Really, we don't bite. At least until we know you.

 

[SpectreT]

I was going to ask if anyone else had a week where their ISP couldn't find Literotica, but I guess it was just me.

Re: the Bells? That would drive me stark staring mad in something like 1/50 of a second.

Welcome aboard, those I didn't get the chance to greet while I was trying to cope with my enforced Lit withdrawal!

Hi there, and I'm still here, to old acquaintances!

 

[Merelan]

Sneaking a kiss to Spectre, and slipping away. Wondered where ya went.
You don't like bells? Not even if they are attached to a pretty darling who only wishes to please you?

 

[SpectreT]

Well, Merelan, my hearing is kind of odd. It's hypersensitive in the upper ranges, where small bells like to chime, and a (currently) minor case of tinnitus makes hearing in the mid-to-upper ranges, where most human voices are, challenging. A dull ringing sound is already occupying my hearing there. I say "Huh?" and "What?" a lot to people. I'm told the tinnitus is only going to get worse with age, and high-pitched noises already hurt.

That being said, I've noticed a kind of anklet on several women lately that chimes nicely while walking. Its sound doesn't bother me at all. Being "belled" myself, however, would probably be a problem. not a "Hard Limit" kind of problem, but definitely pushing.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I can't believe I read this beast from start to finish. It took about four hours. Of course, I was doing my nails while I read it and that takes about four hours to accomplish and I can't do anything else while I'm at it.

Who'da thunk 'eh?

Yes, they're very pretty. Also a suggestion for Dommes, have your subbies do your nails. Manicures are wonderful things.

I has a question, if you may all indulge me here.

I see what subs get out of this whole rigamaroo. They get the ultimate feelings of being loved, pampered, cherished, and adored without much responsibility. It seems very freeing.

What do Dominants get out it?

I would like answers from both sub and Dom sides for a complete picture, if you'd be so kind. I'm a nilla wafer here, but I am trying very hard to understand all of this. I write stories, you know.

Thanks!

 

[Wizard]

I What do Dominants get out it?

I would like answers from both sub and Dom sides for a complete picture, if you'd be so kind. I'm a nilla wafer here, but I am trying very hard to understand all of this. I write stories, you know.

Thanks!

Lets see if I can take a try here and explaine the best I can.
As a dom in our relationship there are so many things I find a trun on. One of the first things I find erotic right of the bat is we have the trust for me to plan our night of fun, I think up what and how things will be done.
I design where and how she will be tied up if that is what is to be done durning that session.
I have made most all of our tool to special fix our body parts, I love to take the time making them just perfect as I have in my mind just what I want them to do and how.

I myself think there are few things more erotic than finding your mate willing to do anything you wish..................to have the control to make them beg you to let them cum. To know your partner well enough to know where to touch to make them so hot they can't help themself. I love to watch skitten squrm and wiggle in what ever restraint I have picked to use.

The fact that my wife , my sub, is open minded enough to have tried clips all over her body and enjoys the pleasure they give her.

The act of the touch from the neck to ears to inside of the legs, taking ever so long and taking my time to work up to more fun.

I get so much pleasure out of just pleasing her.

I myself have been married for over 14 years and about a years and have been into bondage for 6 to 8 years now but recently about a year ago I gave my wife her first collar and we also see that as a wedding ring of sorts. I addtional pleadge we have made to one another.

We have many ways of playing and many things hidden in our ceilings to permit us to play well and hard.

To sum it up For me it lets me play and please longer and harder than ever and transport her out of this world.

I hope that explained a little.

 

[WriterDom]

I see what subs get out of this whole rigamaroo. They get the ultimate feelings of being loved, pampered, cherished, and adored without much responsibility. It seems very freeing.

What do Dominants get out it?



Thanks!

Unlimited blowjobs on demand?

Seriously, it is more challenging to be the dominate partner. It takes imagination, creativity, and planning. Not to mention a great deal of responsibility for the safety of the sub. But the road of being loved, pampered, cherished, and adored travels both ways. Like wizard, I've always been a "pleaser" even before I was introduced to kink. Perhaps submissives just have more pleasure buttons to push.

http://www.bdsm-online.com

<< Ran across this site today. Lots of info, and they are taking poetry and stories if anyone is interested.

 

[cymbidia]

I can't believe you read it from start to finish either! Wow!

I see what subs get out of this whole rigamaroo. They get the ultimate feelings of being loved, pampered, cherished, and adored without much responsibility. It seems very freeing.
<snip>
I would like answers from both sub and Dom sides for a complete picture, if you'd be so kind. I'm a nilla wafer here, but I am trying very hard to understand all of this. I write stories, you know.

For those unfamiliar with Muff's writing, please click on the blue www at the bottom of her post and you'll be whisked away like magic to her Lit homepage. There, you'll be able to choose stories and/or poems at leisure from her prodigious output.

Personally, i found her story It's Nilla For Me (http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31687) to be an astonishingly accurate portrayal of how we feel, what we do, the way in which we react to doubt and pain and hurt, all while still being oriented toward the sexuality that's as much a part of who we *are* as people as is our eye color.

Muff is an outstanding writer. She's able to translate the nuances of power exchange relationships into story form in a way that totally blows me away cuz ---->she's nilla<-----. She's not one of us. But she sees us us clearly, with humanity and compassion that overrides all the "perverted" stuff. She understands us in a way that some of us don't even understand us.

Some of you know that Muff is my friend - but this isn't an endorsement for my friend. It's a hearfelt endorsement of a fine writer who writes about *real* BDSM relationships, the relationships with all the complexities and hesitancies and stumbles intact, as they are for anyone in any relationship.



Muff? I don't really know what Dom/mes get out of what lies between them and their sub but i do know this: subs don't get "the ultimate feelings of being loved, pampered, cherished, and adored without much responsibility" for free.

We have to trust. We have to bend. We have to give of ourselves to a depth most people don't begin to give of themselves to their partner. We have to be open and honest. We have to tell the truth, all the time. We have to accept. In a sexual situation, we must feel but we must also mirror what we feel so every single thing they do to us comes back to them in terms of an immediate reaction.

We need to do all things, yes, but we have to do them, too. For all of us, some days it's hard to do that. Some days, we all wish we could look at our Dom/me and say, "Fuck it. I don't feel like doing that. You do it." But we don't. Not usually, anyway.

We submissives have tremendous responsibilities to ourselves and to our Dom/mes, just as they have enormous responsibilities toward us. When either party violates those responsibilities, the fragile bond of trust is broken - and that incredibly deep two-way trust is everything to us. Without it, we cannot be who we are, individually or together.




Hi guys.
I'm back.

 

[Skitten]

bdsm

To answer your question? It is the excitement and the thrill of what your Dom has in store for you the ultimate pleasure and that unknowing feeling and excitement all in one. Wizard makes it so I know nothing until it is time and it is soo exciting for the both of us.

And I have the outmost trust that whatever it is it will be so wonderful. There are just so many new things to do in our relationship and it varies of what we will be doing and it is never dull or boring. Lets just say we are open to all the possibilities of where it can lead.

Our realationship is more open now than ever when I was given a collar it was like a new commitment to one another. Even though we have been married for a while it just made us even more committed than ever.

Being in this type of relationship just makes things more exciting and interesting, but it has to be a total commitment on both parties and a total trust in your Dom. I wouldn't just have this relationship with anyone only with one that you love and trust like no one else and can be totally open with that one person. Also being at his total control just makes it ohhhh so exciting!

 

[KillerMuffin]

LOL, I know it's not free cym, darling. It's just free-ing. As in reveling in a sudden sense of unburdening. Responsibility isn't in the bad connotation either, but more of a removal of control so that one can be free to revel in that sudden sense of unburdening.

 

[SpectreT]

Re: KM's Story

Damn!

And you have the unmitigated audacity to poke your nose in this thread and ask us questions about what makes us tick?!?!?!

"It's Nilla For Me" illustrates quite clearly, in a time-condensed space, the kind of things that you were asking for more info on. I said before, and take this for what it's worth coming from someone who's unattached right now, it's a RELATIONSHIP first, a BDSM relationship second. What makes it special, and this is coming from somone whose feelings place him in the "Switch" sub-set (no pun intended), is the trust involved. You're quite literally, in some situations, placing your life in somone else's hands, on the sub side. You're giving somone of yourself in a manner some people will never believe, leave alone understand. On the Dom side, I'm the playful sort; I like to tease, observe, tease some more. I get a rush of adrenaline knowing I'm playing with someone, that the've found me worthy of that kind of trust, are gifting me so greatly of themselves. I strive, always, to be worthy of that kind of trust.

My friends call it my "Warrior's Honor". I tend to think of myself as a Knight in Tarnished Armor. Not the ideal, since the ideal's impossible, but a just and righteous man with a few kinks here and there.

(Alright. I make a corkscrew look straight, as an ex-girlfriend once told me.)

I'm surprised, KM, that anyone who could write that could feel that they need to ask "What makes you BDSM'ers tick?". Then again, I don't see myself too clearly either. I once asked my friends why they were my friends, and they couldn't believe I didn't see myself the way they were describing me: Honest, Intelligent, Caring, Trustworthy, Fun. I still don't see the paragon they were describing as their friend Tom when I look in the mirror, and if I ever do, I'll be scared silly. It'll mean I'm turning into an arrogant, conceited, self-satisfied prick. (The point to that little ramble was just that sometimes, we don't know we know something, y'know?)

 

[KillerMuffin]

By the way, cym, I finally stopped blushing over what you said about my writing. Thank you. Well, the Spectre said something and I had to hide my head under a pillow for a while in total embarrassment. Thank you!

And yes, I want to know what makes you tick. I merely took the concept of trust and combined it with a BDSM situation. I have three stories right now where trust is the theme. The thing that didn't satisfy me in any of them is that it's the sub learning the trust. The Dom is just there, like a fixture, teaching the sub something. This had been done to death. The one thing I've noticed in all the BDSM stories I've read is that the sub learns and the Dom teaches. The Dom rarely, if ever, has any difficulties to get past beyond how to teach a sub.

This is not so in reality. All I had to work with was a cliched situation involving the very real threat of criminal prosecution to put the Dom into a situation where trust was threatened.

Dominants are vulnerable too, they're people too. They feel, they hurt, they desire, they want, they need, they love, they trust, they guilt, they anger, they everything just like everyone else. The thing about BDSM in fiction is that the Dom has to be in control, confident, strong. The vulnerabilities of the human hide behind the role of the Dom.

I've been listening to cym for almost a year now and taking very careful notes. I know that cym isn't very different from me in what motivates her and where she's vulnerable. She isn't any different than me in what makes her human. I don't think the Doms are much different either. What I don't know is how that works together with their Dom side. Switches are beyond my ken completely.

Subs here are very vocal and they outnumber the Doms. I don't know much about Doms and I can't write about them effectively or like the deserve to be written about. That's what I want to know, I want to know them as human beings as well as Doms. Even in this thread the subs are immediate and touchable and the Doms have been friendly yet distant. They share their knowledge, but they don't share themselves like the subs have.

Frustrating for us writer types who find you and your lives incredibly fascinating.